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I Don't Know

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Peter doesn't know. Whatever questions they'll have, he doesn't know. He doesn't know anymore.

"Where do you want to go?" his school counselor questioned. It was about college of course, it was senior year, and this was Midtown. It was pretty much expected for students at Midtown to continue their education. It was a high school for the gifted anyway.

"I don't know" Peter replied instead.

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"What colleges are you thinking about?" May wondered one morning.

"I don't know yet."

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"What schools are on your mind?" Pepper asked one night at the cabin.

"I don't know yet."

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"Ever thought about college?" Happy asked during a ride to SI one day.

"...Yes." He did after all.

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know."

"I don't know?"

"Unsure."

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"Where are you going?" MJ asked.

"Unsure."

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"What college have you decided on?" Ned wondered.

"MIT."

"Are you going to live at the dorms?"

Peter nodded.

"How can you continue.....your internship then?"

Peter blankly stared ahead "I don't know."

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"How are you going to do college and Spider-Man?" Happy questioned.

"I don't know."

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"What are you going to do about Spider-Man?" May asked.

"I don't know."

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"I don't know."

Peter is standing in front of Tony's grave now.

"I don't know" he repeats.

"I don't know what to do" he says quietly. Peter feel tears forming and his vision begins to blur, but he continues.

"Everyone asks, about college, about Spider-Man, about what I am going to do about them."

A tear falls and Peter lets out a shaky sigh "I don't know." The tears rapidly fall down now.

"I don't know what to do Tony" he cries out, in desperation and tears.

Peter collapses onto the dirty concrete crying his heart out “I don’t know....because....because I don’t want to know.”

“Becaus–because it’s the future. A future I–I don’t know if I want. It scares me Mr. Stark." Peter feels more like a kid than ever now. The kid his mentor found. The kid in the "onesie". Since Tony’s sacrifice, he always makes sure to call him Tony. Talking to him or about him. Because Peter only got to call him as such one time. Now he just called him how he used to and it wasn’t even a slip up. Because, Peter is a kid. He’s still the same kid his mentor took under his wing. And at this moment in his life, he really needs his mentor.

"The future......it’s scary Mr. Stark." Peter has stopped sobbing, only a few tears fall down his tear stained cheeks now. He hugs his knees in his chest, staring straight at his mentor’s grave dead on.

“I feel like such a child saying that” he chuckled apathetically looking away shortly. His gaze returns to the grave soon enough.

“But it’s true. I’m scared. Out of my mind really. Because, this, this decision. College" Peter pauses "Major. Career. It’s basically for the future. My whole life, is–is going to be based on these decisions. And I don’t know, what I want, but I have to decide now. It’s for my whole life. It’s how I’m going to live for the rest of my life."

“To be honest, I–I don’t know if I want a future." Peter sits there quietly like waiting for Tony to soak in the news. He can imagine him frozen for a few minutes to those words.

“I don’t know if I....if I want to live..." he adds.

“I just — don’t know. I–I don’t know if I want a future. I really don’t know." Peter stays silent, thinking if he should say this.

“I don’t know if I should die" he states so quietly, he doesn’t know if it's audible. Peter adjusts his position to crisscrossing his legs as he picks on his shoelaces, unable to look at Tony’s grave.

“Sometimes......sometimes I wonder about it" he whispers “I wonder......if I should leave.”

“Sometimes, I even think about it. Dying. I felt it once, that was hurtful” he tried joking, looking at the grave shortly.

“So........it might hurt a lot. For me to die" he mutters again so quietly.

He fixes his gaze at the grave now “But I never tried it. I promise. I just wondered......about it. About how I could, die. Like, a stab wound. Or by a bullet. Maybe in a fire. All of those are saving people. Dying as a hero. But others, are just selfish I guess. Like falling off a building, but not shooting a web to swing. But Spider-Man shouldn’t do that. He’s a hero. But if Peter Parker dies, as Peter Parker; someone will connect it to Spider-Man I’m sure. So maybe it is best if I go as Spider-Man. They’ll definitely know my identity then. But it doesn’t matter” he smiles without his eyes "I’ll be dead.”

Peter ends up sitting there quietly for who knows how long. But he knows it’s long when the sun begins to set. The sky is a mix of yellow, orange and pink now.

He smiles bitterly “Sometimes I wish for you. For your hugs, wanting more. For your talks. For you.” Peter feels a lump forming in his throat again “I....I miss you" he says as new tears fall down.