And I’ll Use You As A Warning Sign
That If You Talk Enough Sense Then You’ll Lose Your Mind.
It’s always bittersweet.
On some days, it’s a beautiful lullaby that can lull him to sleep, blocking out the thoughts that echo loud in his head, ever consuming. Other days, it’s mocking, like a reminder of what he doesn’t have and what he’ll never be able to experience in real life. It’s nothing more than a remnant of the life he once had. It haunts him sometimes, in the vibrations that he feels on the tips of his fingers or through the centre of his chest.
On days like today, when Jimin feels like the whole world is against him and nothing could ever go his way, the music in his head comes as nothing but a reminder of what he’s lost.
He’d woken up late, for one. By the time he’d managed to get ready and scrambled out of the front door, he’d not even realised that it was chucking it down with rain. There had been a brief moment where he had felt the steady thump of his heart and debated between running back inside for an umbrella, but the thought that he would miss the bus was already nagging at his head and so he’d ran through the rain, trying to use his eyes as a guide despite the way the rain blurred his vision. Then, just to make things better, he’d almost missed the bus anyway, not even being able to call out to it to make it stop, never trusting his voice to do what he needs it to when he's distracted by desperation in a public place.
He knows that the bus only pulls to a stop because Jungkook had seen him sprinting towards it through the window. That his friend has probably gotten the bus driver to stop and it’s days like this that he hates that Jungkook has to take so much responsibility for him. Jimin sometimes can’t help but wonder if Jungkook feels weighed down by Jimin and all the things he can’t do. It’s on days like this where he wishes Jungkook wasn’t so god damned kind.
The younger smiles at him as he pulls himself up onto the bus, nodding a thanks to the driver and letting his best friend pull him over to a seat. Jimin plops down with a huff, trying to push the soaking hair out of his face. He can tell by the way Jungkook’s shoulder’s shake that the other boy is laughing at him, even as he leans forward to wipe some of the rain off of his cheeks with his sleeves. Jungkook is dry.
Jungkook asks, smug smile breaking on his face, as Jimin glares at him.
He slumps against the back of his seat, eyes falling shut as he gives himself a minute to relax. He feels Jungkook nudge at his side and Jimin opens his eyes again. He knows the younger hates it when he cuts him off like that.
Kill me now,”
he says, face pulling into an expression he hopes is disgustingly depressing enough for Jungkook to get it.
The younger frowns a little. “
Wanna talk about it?”
He asks. Jungkook always thinks that talking about things that make Jimin sad will make things better and yet the elder knows that it’s just not the case. Some days, he’s just inconsolable. Some days, talking just makes things worse.
With a shake of the head, he declines. Jungkook has that look of his face that says he’s going to complain so Jimin does what he always does in this situation, when Jungkook wants to be more supportive that Jimin is able to handle. He rest his body against the younger, takes comfort in the way Jungkook feels against him and lets his eyes close, lets the world turn to black. He feels Jungkook’s chest move against him in a sigh and then the younger’s chin is resting on his head and Jimin feels content, even if only for a moment.
Jungkook shuffles a little to get comfortable and Jimin lets him.
It’s only as the younger settles behind him that Jimin’s mind fills with the beginning of music.
It’s moments like this that Jimin wishes his best friend's voice could soothe him instead.
And I’ll Use You As A Focal Point
So I Don’t Lose Sight of What I Want
Jimin had loved Jungkook since he was fourteen when him and Jungkook had been nothing but scrawny teens trying to make it through school.
It hadn’t been difficult for Jimin to fall for Jungkook, who was kind and caring and didn’t look at him with the same fear as most of the other kids did. Jimin had known, from a young age, that the music he heard in his head meant little for his future. That, even if he could hear his soulmate's songs, his soulmate would never hear his. Jimin had come to terms with that even though it had hurt him. And even if, sometimes, he’d find himself wrapped up in himself, eyes a little red, drifting in the space of his head that filled with whatever song his soulmate was listening to at the time, he had always been able to blink himself awake and carry on with his life. It was just the way it was.
He’d fallen in love with Jungkook the moment the younger boy had found him at break one day, eyes filled with something different to what Jimin was used to. How, when most kids realised he would be difficult to be friend’s with, they always backed off and worried they would do something to offend him or would embarrass themselves. Instead, Jungkook’s eyes were filled with some kind of nerves. How when, despite Jungkook having had shaky hands, he'd actually begun to talk to Jimin, the e lder had immediately been blown away by the younger and his words, though slow and uncertain, sometimes incorrect.
Jimin had fallen in love with him and had carried it with him ever since.
I’ll Use You As A Makeshift Gage
Of How Much To Give and How Much to Take
Some days, Jimin would get distracted by the sounds floating through his head. He’d sit and try and work out what sound came from where. How the music was formed. He had no memories of music from when he was younger and so he never was able to connect the sounds to instruments. No matter how hard Jungkook tried to describe them to him, Jimin could never connect the dots. But he still loved the way Jungkook would gesture enthusiastic as he talked about music, how he always had that content smile on his face, the way he would mime with waving hands how to play each instrument.
Today was one of those days, when Jimin would just lean back in his chair and let what he heard overtake him. He let the words swim in his mind, let the meaning of it pull at his soul. He still understood the words, which was always a blessing to him, and he supposed that if he was ever going to have to listen to anyone’s voice, at least it tended to be beautiful ones. Sometimes, Jimin would hear the same singer. A soft voice that always sang with so much soul. On those occasions, Jimin would do whatever he could to just be there in the moment, with that voice.
The music cut off abruptly and Jimin’s eyes flew open as a frown appeared on his face. He had been enjoying the song and sometimes it really pissed him off that he couldn’t choose when he was done. Whoever his soulmate was, they sometimes liked to skip through songs before the music was finished, something that annoyed Jimin immensely.
He’s leaning over his lunch, feeling grumpy and glaring at his sandwich like it offended him, when Jungkook appeared in the seat in front of him, tucking his headphones away into his pocket.
You look like someone pissed in your juice,”
Jungkook comments as Jimin takes a large bite of his food.
“You’re always such a charmer, Kook,”
he replies, hands free of his miserable sandwich.
The younger boy simply shrugs and when he pulls out his much more appealing lunch, he doesn’t stop Jimin from grabbing half for himself. Jimin merely grins at him from over Jungkook’s muffin, revelling in the taste and the way that Jungkook sticks his tongue out at him.
So, I thought I heard my soulmates song this morning,”
he says, and Jimin freezes, searching his face while his heart thumps to a seeming stop in his chest. The younger lets his eyes fall to the food between them for a moment and Jimin feels it in his soul when the younger frowns, eyes hurt. “
Turns out it was just some girl playing her music really loud through headphones.”
He pauses for a second, hands stilling on the table. “
Guess I’m just getting desperate now.”
Jimin feels a sense of relief for a second and then he finds himself hating the way he feels. Just because Jungkook hasn’t found his soulmate yet doesn’t mean they’re not out there. It doesn’t mean that he’s Jimin’s to have, to keep. Jimin loves him and yet Jungkook deserves to find his soulmate, to find his true love, more than anything. Jungkook deserves to be happy.
he begins, hoping the younger can see the pain he feels for him behind his eyes. The younger simply waves his hands as though to push Jimin’s pity away, trying to force a smile onto his face and doing terribly.
“It’s fine, hyung. It was shitty music anyway. I’d like to think my soulmate has better taste.”
And though he’s trying to grin his way through it, Jimin can tell. Jimin knows Jungkook’s face better than anything else, knows the way Jungkook feels about finding his soulmate better than anyone else.
“I’m going to take you to another country soon, Kookie.”
He says, though it hurts a little to do so.
“Maybe the US or the UK or something. I bet your soulmate has a completely different time zone. You probably sleep right through their songs. The way you sleep, I doubt even a bear attack would wake you.”
Jungkook leans over to smack him playfully on the shoulder as Jimin grins back at him.
Shut up, hyung.”
The two of them tuck back into their meals and Jimin tries to take his thoughts off of what it will be like when Jungkook finally finds his soulmate. What it will be like for Jungkook to have someone else to spend all his time with. For when Jimin is no longer Jungkook’s priority and Jungkook will be someone else’s love besides Jimin’s. And when Jungkook leans over to wipe some chocolate off of the side of Jimin’s mouth, the elder can only blush, hands still, silent.
And I Moved Farther Than I Thought I Could
But I Missed You More Than I Thought I Would
Jimin is tucked away in his usual corner of the library, surrounded by papers, hunched over and caught up in so much work he doesn’t even know where to start, when he hears it, like a nagging voice at the back of his head, that voice. It’s soft and it tugs at Jimin’s heart strings like nothing else he ever hears his soulmate listening to. He finds his hands coming to a still, his pen resting on the paper, unimportant now.
Jimin lets it wash over his body and soothe him like the drops of a cold shower in the blazing heat. It’s only when Jimin hears this voice that Jimin can’t help but let himself dip into the part of his heart he never usually opens up to himself. It’s something he never talks to anyone about, not his family, not even Jungkook. It’s a want so dark, engrained so deeply into himself, that he can’t bring himself to tell anyone out of fear that if he does, it will consume him.
The want for his soulmate wraps around him like the arms of a lover he will never find. Despite himself, despite his logic, Jimin lets himself wonder what it might be like to have someone that’s made to be perfect for him, just for him, someone he can fully dedicate himself to and have them do the same in return. The voice, it’s song, always unleashed Jimin’s greatest fear into himself, the fear of being forever alone, forever stuck wanting something he can never have, and yet a sick part of him enjoys the torture. How can he hate it when it sounds just so sweet?
He’s so caught up in it that he doesn’t even realise that there had been a person at the other end of his table, clearly trying to talk to him, until he feels the sudden vibrations of the desk he leans on and snaps his head up to find the aftermath of a book being slammed on his desk and a boy with blond hair storming away.
Jimin feels a tug to call out after him and apologise, but he shuts the thought down before it even really takes form, not wanting to embarrass himself or make the boy uncomfortable when he realises why Jimin hadn’t responded.
Instead, he lets his head fall down again, resting on the cool table and sighs. It’s only then that he stumbles across the silence in his head. With a heavy heart, he realises the voice is gone and Jimin has no idea when one of their songs will come back again. He finds himself feeling less bad about the boy who had left in a rage, having made him miss the end.
Still, the remnant of the tune lingers in the back of his mind as he falls asleep that night and, as he drifts off, Jimin’s lips hum the tune gently, probably not quite right, probably off key and out of tune, but Jimin finds it soothes him enough for him to slip into a sleep filled with no nightmares.
I Found Love Where it Wasn’t Supposed to Be
“I dreamed about my soulmate last night,”
Jungkook says, hands in Jimin’s face from where the younger lets him rest against his chest, arms wrapped around the elder.
Jimin tries not to let the sentiment ruin his time in Jungkook’s arms. He lets his nose press into the younger’s neck, breathing deeply against his skin, eyes falling shut. He feels Jungkook tremble underneath him and wonders if the younger is laughing at him. He thinks he is, when he feels his lips, upturned, rest in Jimin’s hair.
Jungkook tugs at his hair gently to get him to focus again and Jimin turns his attention back to the what the younger is saying, even if it pains him to do so. “
Is it normal to dream about someone you don’t even know?”
Jungkook asks and though Jimin can’t see Jungkook’s face, he’s sure the younger is just as downtrodden about the whole thing as Jimin imagines him to be.
Shuffling to get into a more comfortable position, Jimin frees his handsand lets out a low sigh, wishing they didn’t have to talk about this right now. Not when Jimin can just lay back into Jungkook’s arms and pretend they meant something more to each other. Pretend that this meant as much to Jungkook as it did to him. But, he’s his best friend before anything else and when Jungkook is sad, Jimin feels it like it’s his own pain.
Lots of people dream about what their soulmates will be like all the time, right?”
He says, trying to be as logical as possible. He feels Jungkook harden a little and Jimin wonders if the younger would pull him closer for comfort if he could.
“It just felt different this time,”
he comments, and Jimin can feel from the way that Jungkook sets his jaw that the younger is uncomfortable, never being someone to like being in the dark about things.
“It felt real, you know?”
Jimin’s mouth goes dry and he feels that twinge in his chest again. Part of him wants to pull away and yet this time Jungkook does pull him closer, squeezing the breath out of Jimin’s lungs in more ways than one, as he lets his nose bury into Jimin’s hair once again.
No I don’t, Jimin wants to say, I don’t know. But instead he keeps his thoughts to himself. They’ll do Jungkook no good anyway. Instead he just lets Jungkook seek out all the comfort in Jimin as he needs, even if it’s not really Jimin that the younger wants right now.
Right In Front of Me
This time, he can’t get the song out of his head.
His soulmate has been dead quiet over the past few days, going radio silent. It’s unusual for them, seeming to always be listening to some kind of music at least a few times a day and yet the last thing Jimin had heard from them had been the song in the library. He worries, though he won’t admit it to himself, about whether they are alright.
So, the song, the beautiful voice, haunts him. He wakes up with it in his head and goes to bed with it lulling him to sleep and yet he somehow doesn’t get fed up with it. He walks to it’s tune and taps his fingers on his desk in class as he replays it in his head over and over. Sometimes he even finds himself wishing he could hear it again, waiting for his soulmates song to play in his mind once more.
He even tries to google the lyrics and yet he can’t find anything that matches what he remembers and he gets upset, wondering if he’s changed it’s words with each replay and, unable to search the internet for the right tune, he has to give up with a disappointed heart, not that he even knew what he would do with the song if he found it.
Jungkook talks more and more about his soulmate these days and at first it had hurt Jimin. He’d been struggling to keep an emotionless face when Jungkook’s expression would light up with love at the thought of his soulmate. But now he simply feels little to nothing as he watches the love of his life dream about meeting and loving someone else. He feels like he’s reached his peak, like there’s little he can do about much of anything anymore. He will always love Jungkook and Jungkook will always be waiting for someone else just around the corner to come find him. It’s oh so pointless and Jimin lets himself feel numb towards it.
What’s wrong with you recently, hyung?”
Jungkook asks, eyes full of concern. There it is, the way that Jungkook looks at him with so much care. Jimin could almost trick himself into thinking Jungkook felt something more for him.
He can barely meet the younger’s eyes as he replies.
“Nothing is wrong,”
he says, though his face surely doesn’t match his words.
“I’m just tired.”
Jungkook’s eyes tell Jimin that the younger doesn’t believe him for a second and yet he lets it go with a shrug, probably knowing that it’s not something that Jimin wants to go into.
Of course, Jungkook knows Jimin better than anyone.
Talk Some Sense To Me
Jimin is tangled in the words of the song for the hundredth time this week. He lets them play in his head as he perches on window side chair, watching the world move around him as he hears nothing but the lyrics on a repeat. The leaves are beginning to slip off of the trees and Jimin watches as they dance to the floor. It looks like there’s a bitter chill outside today and Jimin has the odd sensation of shivering despite the heat that pulses off of his radiator.
For a while, he lets his eyes drift shut as his head rests against the glass pane, letting the only part of the song he remembers overtake him, swallow him whole. It encompasses him and he doesn’t even mind. This is the closest he will ever get to be to his soulmate and he tries to come to terms with that, tries to find contentment with that, with every word of the song as it slips in and out of his head.
If Jimin had been a different person, he might have noticed the slamming of the door to his room. He may have paid attention to the way Jungkook had frozen, hands paused on his scarf, half unwrapped around his neck. He may have even heard the sudden thumping of Jungkook’s chest and yet Jimin had, for just one more moment, let his skin chill peacefully against the window, thoughts flying around his head lazily, in his own world.
Until Jungkook grabbed his arm with an intensity that had Jimin’s breath seizing, body pulling away from the window and to his feet, only relaxing when he meets the familiarity of Jungkook’s eyes.
he says, lips forming into a smile. “
You scared the crap out of me.”
But it’s then that he notices the way Jungkook’s eyes are wide, how his body seems to be trembling slightly, lips parted. Jimin’s eyes flutter all over the younger’s body desperately, looking for something wrong, as the smile slips quickly from his face. “
He asks, panicked, taking a step towards the younger and reaching out to lay his hands on either side of Jungkook’s cheeks, flinching a little at the way his hands burn from the cold.
Jungkook pulls away, something unfamiliar filling his eyes, and Jimin’s mouth opens as if to say something until he stops himself, tries to pull himself together for a moment. Jimin knows all of Jungkook’s expressions. Has mastered understanding them all. But this one? He can’t read this one at all. And it has him feeling sick.
Jungkook, what’s wrong?”
The younger blinks and for a moment Jimin thinks he’s going to reach for him, to pull him in for reassurance, and yet the younger stays in place. Jungkook’s eyebrows are drawn together in uncertainty.
“You were singing.”
It’s Jimin’s turn to blink, confused.
His hands twitch a little and he doesn’t know how to stand still. There’s a lump in the back of his throat.
“I don’t sing.”
He says, because he doesn’t. Jungkook knows that.
Jungkook shakes his head as though he knows exactly what Jimin is thinking and yet Jimin still feels deeply unsettled at the look on his face. “
You were, hyung. I heard you.”
Jimin’s hands dance in front of him, uncontrolled, as he shakes his head too. “
The younger holds up a hand to silence him and Jimin lets his own hands drop to his sides, twitching nervously. He’s chewing on his lip and he doesn’t even know why he feels so on edge.
I don’t think you even realised you were doing it.”
Jungkook pauses to unwrap his scarf fully and Jimin can’t help it when his eyes fall to the line of his collarbone as he swallows, adam's apple bobbing. “
But you were, hyung. It sounded beautiful.”
Jimin’s entire being is on fire and he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Jungkook had just said the word beautiful in relation to him and, though Jimin had dreamed of him saying those words, it was not something that the elder could feel good about. Not when he didn’t even know what called for such a word.
Jungkook takes a step closer and Jimin loses his breath. It makes no sense. The two of them are always close, closer than most friends, and yet something about the way that Jungkook is looking at him has Jimin’s head spinning.
Hyung, you were singing my song.”
His eyes are frozen on Jungkook’s body and the younger begins to repeat himself, seemingly thinking that Jimin had not understood him. And yet Jimin had understood the words but the meaning… Jungkook had to be wrong. It wasn’t possible.
“I don’t understand,”
he says, taking a step away from Jungkook, if only to try and clear his head, but the younger follows him, crowding Jimin’s personal space.
The lyrics you were singing,”
he pauses, a look of wonder on his face.
“I wrote them.”
Jimin feels his back bump into the wall and he stumbles for a second. Jungkook reaches for him, hands steadying him by the waist and Jimin look up into his eyes, seeing something like hope dancing there. He shakes his head in desperation. Jungkook drops his hands.
That’s not possible.”
Jungkook’s reply is immediate.
“Hyung, I know those lyrics better than anyone. And you were singing them. I swear. I wrote them.”
Jimin’s eyes are everywhere but on Jungkook now.
“That makes no sense.”
Hands on his cheeks, cold, pull his attention back to the boy in front of him. His lips part, heart racing as his brain starts to catch up to the meaning. But it’s not possible…
Jungkook says, dropping his hands. “
I sing them sometimes."
"Do you hear them?”
It’s almost like Jimin can’t follow what Jungkook is asking him because all of this is starting to mean way too much to him and it’s all so fast.
Jungkook asks, one hand moving to his shoulder.
Jimin replies, waiting for Jungkook’s face to drop. For him to realise what this might mean. Jungkook had waited for something like this for his entire life. Neither of them had ever thought it could happen this way. Jimin has to push down the bubbling hot hope in his stomach.
But, instead, he sees Jungkook’s eyes light up. The younger steps away from him for a moment. He moves, dropping onto Jimin’s bed. The elder watches with wide eyes as Jungkook’s head falls into his hands and then pops back up, fidgeting like he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He stares at Jimin like he’s never seen him before.
Jungkook, what’s happening?”
He asks, his breathing picking up. Anxiety closes in on him, wrapping him in it’s hold and he finds himself unable to catch up.
Jungkook jumps up from the bed so fast Jimin doesn’t notice until he’s being pulled into the younger’s strong arms. There are gentle hands on the back of his neck and Jimin focuses on the sensation of Jungkook’s breathing on his skin, trying to copy the rhythm. From the way the younger’s chest rumbles against his own, he thinks he might be muttering something to him, but Jimin is too caught up to pull away and ask.
They stay like that until Jimin catches up with his breathing. He slowly pulls out of Jungkook’s hold.
The younger gives him a moment, eyes all over his face, until he finally says something. “
Hyung, my song was in your head?”
He asks and Jimin can't meet his eyes.
Jimin nods, unable to bring himself to do anything else.
“And I never hear any songs.”
Jungkook adds, both of them coming to realization. Both of them putting the puzzle pieces together, beginning to understand what this means.
Jimin is nodding as he feels tears begin to collect in his eyes.
Hyung, you’re my soulmate.”
His hands are in his hair now, overwhelmed, tears pooling down his cheeks. “
It can’t be.”
He can’t let himself believe this, can’t let himself hope, because if it’s not real then it’ll break him forever.
And then Jungkook is taking his hands. He’s pulling Jimin in as he cries so that the two of them are almost touching lips. Jimin can feel his Jungkook’s breathe on his skin and oh how he wants him. How he wants Jungkook's lips on his lips. His skin on Jungkook’s skin.
And then Jungkook’s lips are moving and Jimin’s head fills with the voice of an angel. That voice is in his head again, singing the song that Jimin could never forget, and Jungkook’s lips are moving to form the same lyrics he hears. He hears Jungkook singing in the depth of his head and it’s like he can actually
His heart splinters but in a completely different way.
He slips out of Jungkook’s hold and drops to the floor, curling in on himself, body wracked with his sobs. He feels Jungkook drop to his knees in front of him, pulling at Jimin’s hands to try and see his face. Jungkook looks distraught, horrified, panicked. “
Jimin chokes a sob down. “
Please, Jimin, what’s wrong? You don’t...want me?”
Jimin breaks a little more at the hurt on Jungkook’s face. He never wants to see a look like that on Jungkook again. He gasps out breaths as he shakes his head, desperate to make Jungkook understand. “
That’s not it, Jungkook. I love you.”
I comes out so easily, as if it had always been there, waiting to be set free and Jimin cries a little more when he sees the way Jungkook’s eyes light up and his now wet face breaks into a smile.
Jungkook seems torn between pulling Jimin towards him and never letting go but he holds off. He has something to say. Something to
“I love you too, Jimin.” He says, and Jimin can’t hear it but he watches the words form on the love of his life’s lips and he understands. Of course, he understands. “
Please stop crying,”
Jungkook begs, signing again now.
Jimin laughs a little through his tears and Jungkook smiles like it’s the best thing he’s ever heard. “
Jungkook, I can hear you voice,”
he finally tells him with shaky hands, messy signing, smiling so hard, crying so violently, that he might burst.
I can hear you when you sing.”
Jungkook seems shocked for a minute but then he’s smiling again, eyes so soft, so fond, and Jimin has no idea how he hadn’t noticed the way Jungkook looks at him until now. “
Is that what you’re crying about?”
He asks, face incredulous. “
Do I sound that bad?”
He adds, with a little smile, though Jimin knows him best and he can see the nervous tilt of those lips.
“I’m so happy. I love your voice, Kook.”
He can’t stand it anymore, can’t stand being apart and so he’s grabbing Jungkook by the front of his shirt and pulling him against him, pressing his lips to Jungkook’s rough ones in the way he’d always wanted to and kisses him for all those years of longing. Jungkook’s chest rumbles against his own and Jimin smiles into him, as the younger tangles his fingers in Jimin’s hair and kisses him back just as hard as Jimin. When the two of them pull away, Jimin is so far up on a high, so
that he’s forming words with an rarely used voice, words that he can’t hear. “I love you so much, Jungkook.”
Jungkook looks at him the way Jimin had always wanted him to and pulls him in for another kiss, this one soft and gentle. Jimin doesn’t know how the words had sounded, if they'd come out right, but he can tell Jungkook understood.
Jungkook always hears him.