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At Your Door

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She was probably crazy. She had to be. What sane woman would take a cab for a 40 miles drive to the house of a man she hadn’t seen in a year? Who would do such a thing? What was wrong with her? But this need, this need that she fought for as long as she could made her do this insanity. He knew nothing about his current life, for all she knew, he could even be married. It was a long drive, and all through it she felt her heart in her throat. Now there was no turning back it was too little, too late. She was doing this. She was almost there.

She missed the road to his farm. She used to love driving there, knowing that he will be waiting for her at the end of the trip. She was looking through the window, seeing the trees passing in front of her eyes one by one, and with them so many memories. Oh my God, she was almost there. She felt her body slightly trembling. The car stopped in front of his house. Initially, she thought that maybe it would be wise to tell the driver to wait, in case he won’t be home, but seeing the light inside made her brave enough to let the car go.

Outside, in the freezing air, she took a few deep breaths as she watched his house and started walking with slow, heavy steps, searching through her foggy mind how to begin, what she should tell him. She never did something like this before. Usually, men would show up at her door unannounced, not the other way around.

She stopped in front of the door, inhaled deeply, then raised her hand to knock, but the hand just stood there, hanging in the air. Don’t overthink, don’t overthink, just do it. And then her hand hit the cold wood of the door, while her heart was pounding like a thunder in her chest. She heard the door opening and she raised her eyes, holding her breath.

But she just stood there, not understanding what’s going on. This young woman, with beautiful red hair opened the door and she was staring at her, waiting patiently to see what she needs. For a moment nothing in her mind made sense. He moved? What the hell… Later she would think how naïve she was, thinking that he would rather move, than be with another woman. Naive or just really sure of herself, of them, without really having a reason to be.

But this was crazy, she was just coming from a date and she was surprised that he could date someone. She felt like laughing for a second. This was all so fucked up. The girl invited her in, but she hesitated, this was awkward, she felt like running back, but now she would have to come inside. And as she raised her eyes, she saw him. He was here, still in his house, still with his beer in his hand, his fire burning slowly, another woman in her place, but did she ever really had a place in his life, did their relationship came to a point in which she could consider that she was his and now she was replaced? No, not really. Yes, he propose, he wanted her just for himself, he wanted to make a life together…Maybe if she would just said a word, just “Stay” would have probably been enough for him to change his plans. But she didn’t.

Their eyes locked, neither one of them knowing what to say. After a few moments she heard her name falling of his lips. She craved hearing her name in his voice for far too long…“Diane”. Nobody pronounced it quite like him and that made it even more special.
“After what, a year? You just happened to be in the neighbourhood?”

This was getting more and more awkward. Yes, she deserved this. But she felt so vulnerable, she missed him so much, that those words, in that moment really hurt, although she was trying her best to put her brave, cool face and make a quick exist, before she would start to cry, she knew that he had already read her perfectly. Why? Why didn't she made the taxi driver wait?

As strange as all this felt, it was enough for him to ask her to stay and she did. How desperate was she if she would want to stay even if he was at what seemed to be maybe a date? She was hopeless and part of her hated the way she lost all of her strength around him, yet part of her loved it.