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I'll make it up to you

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It’s been so long since Dimitri has felt any kind of positive emotion, but Professor’s hand is so warm…

 

Coming to his senses isn’t easy for Dimitri, not when he has let himself go to his lower instincts. In the end, Felix was right: he is just a damn boar… Felix.

 

How could he forget… Rodrigue… what happened…

Felix must be a disaster and he’s all alone.

He can’t… he can’t let this be.

 

 

His steps echo through the hall of what remains of the monastery. Professor has told him that Felix has closed himself off in his room and Dimitri has intention of letting him out; he knows that isolating himself like this won’t help and that, if anything, it will only make things worse.

Sylvain tried to stop him, but Dimitri pushed him away. He doesn’t care if he’s the last person he wants to see, but he’d rather have Felix unleash everything on him than having him behind closed doors with no clue about what he’s doing; what if he’s endangering himself?

 

He knocks on Felix’s door, or better, pounds his fist on it.

Nobody answers.

 

Anxiety begins to spread inside Dimitri. Did something happen? Did Felix get sick perhaps?

 

He wonders whether he should kick the door open or not, but maybe – and this is just Dimitri trying to think positively – he just did not hear him. Wouldn’t it be funny if such a mundane explanation was behind this?

He knocks again, and this time, he talks, his voice weirdly soft for someone this gruff looking:

- Felix? Are you inside? -.

Apparently this does the trick, as Dimitri hears a clear reply coming from inside.

 

- Go away! -.

 

Dimitri can’t help but to flinch at how angry Felix’s voice sounds; it’s like he was right in front of him and, instead of words, he hit him with his weapon across the chest.

It aches, a familiar ache that Dimitri has lived with for a very long time. But he won’t give up now, not when he’s beginning to see the light.

Felix always said that he was obtuse and stubborn, so might as well give him a reason to call him that.

 

- Felix, please… -, he pleads, - I just want to help -.

- Ah! And when did you become a comedian? -, comes the bitter reply, and Dimitri knows that Felix has all the rights to be mad at him, all the rights to not want to see him, but he’s his friend and Dimitri can’t leave him to himself, even if this is what Felix wants.

 

- All right… all right. I won’t come in -, he mutters as an idea strikes him, - But I’ll stay here. If you ever need anything… -.

The rest goes unsaid. Of course he’ll do his best to be there for him; it’s what he deserves after all – no, a voice tells him, he deserves way better than this.

 

He hears steps, and for a moment he thinks that Felix is going to open the door, but they come to a halt.

There’s silence, then he can hear Felix’s feeble voice:

- … Do as you wish. I don’t care -.

 

 

True to his word, Dimitri stays.

Felix doesn’t utter a word, nor does he open the door. All Dimitri can hear is the faint sound of footsteps coming from inside, but even then he doesn’t hear them often, despite how close he is to the door – he’s leaning on it actually, which might not bode well if Felix actually decides to open the door.

Occasionally it’s Dimitri the one who does the talking. Weird, that’s how his voice sounds to him now, but he keeps going despite his discomfort in the hopes that this will make Felix feel less alone.

 

He doesn’t even know exactly what he’s talking about; he isn’t following any kind of logic. He just says the first things that come to mind, to the weather, to his surprise about how much everyone has changed, to even old memories.

 

- Do you remember when we got Margrave Gautier’s coat and you and Sylvain climbed on top of me to wear it? We made such a mess -.

He smiles fondly at the memory, surprised that he still remembers something. Still no reply came.

- He got so mad when he saw us on the ground and his coat ripped, but I don’t remember what he did, then, do you? -.

Still silence.

 

Dimitri sigh, shifting his legs.

He’s been here for so long that he had to sit down but he won’t give up, not yet.

 

- You know… I was thankful to have you at school -, he begins to mutter, his voice turning soft instead of that fake cheerful tone he was trying to maintain before, - You always kept me in check. I… I wish I had you around during, well, you know -.

He shakes his head.

- I guess I didn’t deserve it -, he admits, bitter, but it’s all soon followed by a chuckle, - In the end, you were right. I am just a horrible monster, and yet… -.

He pauses, not sure if he should say this – won’t he be making this all about himself if he does? – but he thinks that Felix deserves to know.

 

- And yet you never abandoned me. You could’ve easily defected and yet you’re still here. I know, I know that you surely didn’t do that for me, but let me still express my gratitude. I… -.

 

He feels the door behind him open.

He barely has the time to turn; he feels him before he can see him.

Felix has all but collapses beside him, burying his head into the crook of Dimitri’s neck, arms already around him.

 

- You’re an idiot -.

- I know, I’m so… -.

- Don’t you even dare saying that word to me, you Boar -.

 

Dimitri doesn’t know what to say; Felix is shivering against him and all he can do is to pull him tighter against him, closing his eyes and enjoying this feeling of closeness.

He doesn’t know if he’s the one crying or if it’s Felix – his mind is too messy at the moment. Maybe they’re both crying.

- I’ll make it up to you. I swear… Felix, I swear I will -.

 

Felix doesn’t reply, but his grip on Dimitri tightens – but the fact already that he isn’t pushing him away means a lot doesn’t it?

For now, this will have to be enough.