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st texting hellhole

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11:32AM

dustin: welcome, sluts.

mike: stfu dude

steve: woah woah woah
steve: the only slut here is me

robin: wow he finally owns up to it!

jane: stop bullying the boy owo

lucas: since when did jane get all uhhh
lucas: shit-posty

mike: since she started hanging out with Max

max: fight me wheeler.

mike: if you want a table up your ass sure

will: guys don’t swear there’s a baby in the chat!!

dustin: lemme guess, Jane?

will: uh no?
will: me slut

dustin: uh no you can’t call me a slut, steve is right here dude.

steve: hey:(

robin: you JUST called urself a slut

steve: n what about it

robin: it’s too early for this

max: it’s kinda not tho

robin: ok
robin: and? a bitch is till tired

max: fair enough
————————-
1:58AM

will: s(he) be(lie)ve(d)

jane: wait
jane: that’s so deep :(

steve: sbeve

(Dustin changed Steve’s name to sbeve!)

sbeve: i came here to have a good time and i’m honestly feeling so attacked rn

mike: dead meme sbeve

sbeve: your face is a dead fucking meme wheeler

mike: fight me old man

sbeve: choke>:(
————————-
3:19AM

robin: steve

sbeve: yes?

robin: if i quit scoops ahoy i’m becoming a stripper

sbeve: nice

robin: what should my stripper name be???

sbeve: uhhhh
sbeve: boobin

robin: w h a t

sbeve: you heard me

(Dustin changed Robin’s name to boobin!)

boobin: dustin

dustin: uhhhh
dustin: yeah?

boobin: why in the ever fucking fuck are you awake

dustin: uhhhhhhhhh
dustin: drugs

boobin: ok
———————-
9:57AM

dustin: guys i have a question
dustin: it’s important

max: what is it???

dustin: what’s yalls favorite soda

boobin: root beer

sbeve: battery acid
————————-
4:31PM

boobin: guys i can’t feel my toes

sbeve: i’ll feel them for you
sbeve: wait

boobin: lol you are so stoned rn dude

sbeve: we share a braincells and somehow yours is smarter

mike: wait you guys are high??

lucas: and you didn’t invite us?!

sbeve: woah chill you guys are like two years old

max: rude

jane: i’m 11 so shut the fuck up

boobin: ok first of all since when do you swear jane
boobin: and second of all when do you quote vines

(Dustin changed Jane’s name to im11soshutthefuckup!)

im11soshutthefuckup: i like it :)

boobin: damn dustin wit all that name changes

sbeve: dustin is like god and i’m a fearful mortal
————————-
5:07AM

boobin: i trusted steve to do my makeup
boobin: never again

max: what happened????

boobin: wait why are you awake?

max: my steve being stupid senses tingled

sbeve: rude but fair

boobin: while he was doing i was on my phone so i wasn’t paying attention
boobin: and this bitch! made me into a clown!

sbeve: oh honey i didn’t make you one
sbeve: i just accentuated it

boobin: hoe!!
boobin: i don’t know what i am anymore i’m just a clown

Chapter Text

11:27PM

dustin: hey steve, can you come pick us up? the movie ran later than we thought.

sbeve: nows not a good time
sbeve: i got my dick stuck in a jar of peanut butter again

dustin: w h a t

max: again???

sbeve: i don’t know why i said that
sbeve: i’m very tired
——————-
8:19:AM

boobin: steve stop being a little bitch and text me back

sbeve: i was sleepinfkgkfofk

boobin: excuses excuses

sbeve: don’t fucking try me right now or i will come to your house and piss in your garden

mike: jeez someone’s cranky

boobin: god steve calm down

sbeve: you can’t make me

boobin: i can make you do a lot of things

sbeve: oh yeah? what?

boobin: die.

sbeve: i wasn’t ready for that

boobin: <3
——————-
1:02PM

lucas: did you guys fucking know that snog means kiss

will: wtf

lucas: max
lucas: will you snog me? <3

max: no
max: <3

mike: ooh damn lucas you got curved by your own gf

lucas: fight me right here right now

mike: ok

lucas: do it bitch
lucas: no balls
—————-
5:42PM

boobin: welcome to wise words of steve the hair harrington

max: oh no

dustin: oh hell yeah!

boobin: “don’t be anybody’s slut but your own”
boobin: and my personal favorite, “theres a time you gotta be a hoe. that time is now”

mike: damn i can’t believe steve killed keanu reeves with his wisdom

max: damn i can’t believe mike killed my any chance of happiness

mike: nah girl that’s ur fault for hanging out with my crusty ass

max: fair
—————-
8:19PM

lucas: erica just told me i don’t look dead i just look stupid

sbeve: damn your ten year old sister spitting facts

lucas: don’t say that
lucas: she’ll get too powerful

boobin: ima be real with you guys
boobin: erica scares the shit out of me

dustin: she scares the shit out of everybody, robin.

im11soshutthefuckup: i like erica :)
im11soshutthefuckup: she painted my nails once :))
—————-
11:57PM

dustin: you all have shitty names.

(Dustin changed Max’s name to skaterhoe!)

(Dustin changed Mike’s name to bikeal!)

bikeal: choke

(Dustin changed Lucas’s name to sTalKeR!)

(Dustin changed Will’s name to williaint!)

(Dustin changed his name to doostin!)

doostin: perfection.

bikeal: william
bikeal: williaint

williaint: yo that’s deep af

Chapter Text

6:56PM

bikeal: man there’s so many upgamers nowadays it’s so sad alexa play despacito

im11soshutthefuckup: what’s upgamers?

bikeal: WELCOME TO ANOTHER MINECRAFT VIDEO

im11soshutthefuckup: what

williaint: i can’t believe you’d upgamer your own girlfriend smh my head

sbeve: we live in a society
—————-
9:39PM

sbeve: a spider: huh your rug looks a lot like a giant piece of paper
sbeve: me coming up behind him with a cup: that IS weird

skaterhoe: brUh
—————-
1:11AM

sbeve: would you guys still love me if i was bald

skaterhoe: no

bikeal: who says i love you to begin with

doostin: yes.

sTalKeR: no, your hair is your best feature

sbeve: thanks guys
—————-
3:17AM

boobin: it is three am

bikeal: yes i can tell time

boobin: and steve pushed me in his motherfucking pool

sbeve: haha suck it robin

boobin: step on a lego and die

bikeal: ok but if anyone pushes me in a pool i’m drowning myself
bikeal: hope u enjoy ur murder charge u fucking slut
—————-
8:46AM

skaterhoe: it has come to my attention
skaterhoe: that jane owns platform crocs

im11soshutthefuckup: i gotta serve them looks somehow

skaterhoe: soKSJSKSIDIDK
—————-
10:01AM

boobin: guys i have a really important question
boobin: is a pop tart a ravioli or a sandwich

skaterhoe: there is definitely a correct answer here

sTalKeR: uhhh ravioli

sbeve: neither??

boobin: NO PICK ONE STEVE

sbeve: uhhh
sbeve: ravioli?

boobin: thank you
—————-
1:39PM

bikeal: ngl i got a urge to do a crime
bikeal: y’all feel me?

skaterhoe: what kind of crime

bikeal: idk vandalism or sumthin

boobin: i know a house you can break into ;)

bikeal: please do tell

boobin: y’know on my block? that ugly ass green house

skaterhoe: fuck yes

williaint: rOBIN
williaint: DONT ENCOURAGE THEM

skaterhoe: don’t worry will we’ll steal you something nice <3
—————-
3:38PM

skaterhoe: they tried to put me on the cover of vouge

sTalKeR: but my legs were too looooooong
—————-
12:55AM

bikeal: creeper

sbeve: oh no

doostin: awww man

skaterhoe: so we back in the mine

boobin: got out pickaxe swinging from side to side

im11soshutthefuckup: side side to side

sTalKeR: this task a grueling one

williaint: cuz baby tONIGHT

bikeal: W I L L

skaterhoe: WRONG PART WILLIAM

sbeve: jfc
—————-
1:05AM

im11soshutthefuckup: what is “funky cold medina”?

sbeve: oh helll yeah

boobin: i asked the guy “why you so fly”

sbeve: he said “funky cold medina”

im11soshutthefuckup: that doesn’t answer my question

boobin: your point??

Chapter Text

6:41PM

williaint: guys uhhh
williaint: i think jonothan is a flat earther

boobin: w h a t

bikeal: explain pls

williaint: so we were talking and i mentioned something about the earth and if it was flat and i said something along the lines of “if the earth was flat”
williaint: and he looked at me with a straight face and said “what do you mean if”

sTalKeR: ofufldjdkfjwkdj

doostin: jonathan has been disowned.
doostin: good luck trying to change my mind.

sbeve: the earth may be flat but this ass ain’t

skaterhoe: he rises from the dead to say that?

sbeve: what did you expect

skaterhoe: ....
—————-
11:18PM

im11soshutthefuckup: what if your hair was like a sweater and if you pulled it it all came unraveling

skaterhoe: dude
skaterhoe: go to sleep

im11soshutthefuckup: you can’t tell me what to do
im11soshutthefuckup: but on a completely unrelated note, good night
—————-
2:01AM

doostin: repeat after me,
doostin: we poopin

williaint: we poopin

skaterhoe: we poopin

sTalKeR: we poopin

bikeal: we poopin

boobin: we poopin

sbeve: what the FUCK is happening

williaint: we’re poopin steve!!!

sbeve: but what the fuck does this mean? why are you poopin

doostin: he asks why we poopin

sbeve: i hate you all

williaint: you know the meme we irritated??

sbeve: yeah??

williaint: well we poopin

sbeve: i hope you all choke on bath water
—————-
4:09AM

skaterhoe: so i’m on tiktok

bikeal: horrible but go on

skaterhoe: and i realized i’ve never seen hit or miss on tiktok

williaint: wait
williaint: she right

sbeve: don’t even bring up tiktok anywhere near me or i swear to god i will bend your kneecaps the wrong way

boobin: you literally just texted me like 20 minutes ago saying how you’re addicted to tiktok stfu

doostin: ooh steve got #exposed!

bikeal: rt
—————-
4:24AM

doostin: somebody help me

skaterhoe: are you okay???

doostin: physically? no. mentally? no.
doostin: i haven’t had water in 4 days

skaterhoe: uh drink water???

doostin:i’ve been drinking nothing but capri suns.

skaterhoe: are you deadass

doostin: my piss smells like fruit punch flavor.

skaterhoe: stop? drinking? capri? suns?

doostin: i am physically unable to.
doostin: everytime i get up, i feel the capri sun sloshing around where my blood used to be.

sbeve: go. drink. water.
sbeve: and go! to! sleep!

skaterhoe: mama sbeve strikes again

sbeve: die

doostin: the closest thing i’ve done to sex is all this capri suns i been drinking.

sbeve: what in god’s name does that mean

doostin: sex=capri sun

skaterhoe: sex is capri sun confirmed by dusty bun

sbeve: you both need to stfu and go to bed it’s a tuesday

skaterhoe: fine
skaterhoe: mama sbeve

Chapter Text

10:17PM

sbeve: OH MY GOD IVE LOST MY MIND

boobin: BUT WE FINALLY DONE IT BOYS

williaint: what???

doostin: you’re scaring me guys.

sbeve: IKEA

boobin: IKEA CAN SUCK MY LEFT NUT

sbeve: PREACH IT SISTER

bikeal: this is so fucking chaotic

boobin: honey if you think this is chaotic you should’ve seen us nearly destroy a half built desk

sbeve: we deserve a fucking medal for that bullshit i stg
sbeve: i got a bruise

boobin: yeah shit was intense
—————-
12:38AM

bikeal: are bees animals

doostin: whAt

skaterhoe: what tf do you mean aRe bEeS aNiMaLs

bikeal: are. bees. animals.

sbeve: god has left the chat

boobin: mike, there is no hope for you anymore

bikeal: are y’all trying to tell me
bikeal: i lived 15 years of my life thinking bees are animals

im11soshutthefuckup: i want a divorce
—————-
2:04AM

boobin: STEVE
boobin: YOU IDIOT

sbeve: oh god what did i do this time

boobin: THE DESK
boobin: IT FELL APART

sbeve: no
sbeve: please be joking

boobin: i’m nOT

sbeve: oh fUCK ME
sbeve: wait fuck

boobin: what?!

sbeve: the fucking piece we lost

boobin: i’m killing myself goodnight boys

bikeal: f

williaint: f

skaterhoe: f

im11soshutthefuckup: f

sTalKeR: f

doostin: f
—————-
1:16PM

boobin: after many hours of hard work
boobin: we fixed the desk

sbeve: i’ve never been in such pain
sbeve: i can’t feel my fucking hands from all that hammering

doostin: tittle of your sex tape

sbeve: you’re on thin fucking ice kid