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Crazy 4 Crazy

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“Hey, loyal readers! Must be fun to just read huh?”

 

“Who exactly are you talking to?”

 

“Aww, nobody sweet cheeks. You just keep on kicking. Oh wait that’s Chun-Li…... hmm…..keep calm and carry on, ya dirty wanker?” 

 

“Excuse me?” That one really ticked her off.

 

“Hey! Owwie. That hurt.”

 

“You ought to know how to speak better. And don’t confuse me with Chun-Li!” Cammy really got pissed off at all the comparisons. They really had nothing in common.

 

“It’s not my fault that you guys, uhh, gals, are all about legs! It’s quite odd if ask me. The men get such diverse body types too. Speaking of, how come all the girls gotta wear those tight outfits? Seems pretty sketchy if ya ask me. The men don’t have to do it. Does that really help you in combat?”

 

“Hmm. Well now you see——no, wait-“ It was kinda like seeing a robot short circuit in real time. 

 

You should see the look on your face! I’m just fuckin with ya. Heck, I just wear this suit cuz it accentuates my pelvic area!” 

 

“Mr. Deadpool?”

 

“Yah?”

 

“Please get the fuck out of my face.” She covered herself in embarrassment. It wasn’t because she was self-conscious, no, it wasn’t that at all. Wade (a complete bozo) had just made a genuine point, and it made her flustered. 

 

“Oh shit, alright. So that’s no on the date?”

 

“GO AWAY.”

 

“Okay okay……..”

 

Hey you. Yes you. You thought I was just gonna talk in quotes? ITALICS? Nope. Nooooooooooooooooooooooope . It’s Mahvel, baby! They must have released some new collection, cuz there’s people I’ve never seen! They must be from the older games they made before MvC3. Maybe it’s to tide over all those sweaty fighter addicts until the next installment, which will probably be released in, I don’t know, 2069? For the most part we’re all just chilling, at least until they work out all the legal kinks. Those are the worst kind of kinks. They never get anybody off. (except maybe the lawyers……) This world is fucking amazing though! Quite entertaining. The stages are the only real weak spot, imo. Generic, 0/10, would not recommend. Everyone thinks I’m crazy, which is fine, because they’re the ones who are crazy, acting all serious and shit. It ain’t no end of the world type sitch. Onslaught? Galactus? Abyss ? That’s what I head he’s called.I could slay those dumb dumbs in my sleep! It really is just another crossover. Which is fine. Just a bunch of peeps to bang, or shoot, or both.

 

I’ll be cutting in every once in awhile to give yall my one-to-one direct throughts. I’m sure the writer will give me some nice meat to play with. He beTTeR! !

Deadpool, or Wade Wilson, as he was less known, was on the temperamental side, but that was not without reason. Violent backstory with torture, the whole nine yards. It was the only by the books thing about him. 

You know when your in chemistry class, and it’s that time of the year where you guys finally get to play with real-life chemicals? Everything boring you’ve done has lead to this. You have to mix very specific amounts of chemicals just right to get the right solution. 9 out of 10 kids get it right, but there’s that one kid who added too much or too little potassium chlorate. Now the beaker’s overflowing, and the mixture’s turned out a bright magenta, when it should have been a solid yellow. That was Wade. He was a fucked up solution.

Even fucked up people can succeed, apparently. He was great at killing, due in part to his healing factor as well as his general lack of concern for life. Now, if only he was as good at relationships as he was at the killing. That would probably be too much for the world to swallow.

 

For example, no matter how many times he asked Spider-Man to go on a date, he always got rejected. The worst part was that Peter always had some shitty excuse.

 

 “I’m busy Wade.” 

 

“The Avengers need me Wade.” 

 

“You can’t just buy me a 600$ weed bouquet and expect me to go wherever you want, Wade!”

 

 “Wade I just can’t be with you. Your out of my league……..” 

 

Maybe Spidey didn’t say that last one. Just maybe. 

 

And this was just one example of his romantic failings. There was of course Death (the physical manifestation of it, at least) and Cable, which was its own lost cause. 

 

This would be extremely depressing for Wade if not for the current situation. The intellectual properties of Capcom Co. Ltd. were not familiar with Deadpool in any fashion. They had no opinions of the man. They didn’t know about his dirty laundry, his impulsiveness, nothing, nada. This was a fresh start. Maybe, just maybe, he could make a real connection. Then again…..that was quite the longshot.

Kattelox Island made for one hell of a cruising spot, specifically when it wasn’t being used for three-versus-three fights. That little girl with the handlebar hair not only juiced up the place with bots and shops to tailor to everyone’s needs, she also made sure the party and parades never stopped happening. it was like Vegas, only seaside. What was her name? It sounded like that movie about people riding neon bicycles. Either way she was quite the savvy businesswoman.

 

Wade walked into one of the coastal district’s many bars. He recognized several faces, mostly from past outings. Ken and Ryu were in a booth, likely toasting to another win. Dante and She-Hulk appeared to be making small-talk. Wolverine sat on a stool in the corner, sulking. Wade had been thinking of a strong quip to piss him off. Imagine the look on his face if Wade posed, say, “Do those big strong claws of yours shoot out when you cum? That must make things real hard! For the lovely lady, at least.” He could just imagine the blood rushing to Logan’s face. 

 

Wade considered starting that altercation for a moment but an unfamiliar face caught his eye. He had a strong jawline, and a headband that was magically flowing in the wind. He also looked a little on the sad side. Wade strolled up to where that mystery man was sitting.

 

“Hey, can I buy you some alcohol?”

 

“Yeah, sure, why not.”

 

“Two Bloody Marys on me, Servbot.” The tiny little machine smiled and went away to get them their drinks. Wade quickly made himself comfortable. “Two questions. What is your name, and why the long face, babyface?”

 

“It’s Jin. Jin Satome. And I never get to fight people. I’m never involved! I just wanna make my dad proud, y’know? Fights break out and yet somehow, I’m never there! Always at the wrong damn place at the wrong damn time.” 

 

Doesn’t he know how it works? In what world would Ryu and M. Bison fight on the same side? It’s all manufactured, like WWE! People must not be picking him. It’s gotta sting to not be top tier. ”  Wade slid a little closer. “You ever just considered, you know, punching someone?”

 

“What?”

 

“Y’know, get into a little brawl?” Wade simulated it with a couple jabs into the air. “You’ve never just hit somebody for the hell of it? Not someone innocent, of course, I’m no fuckin monster. But these skeezy-superhero types, they ain’t special! Deep down they want it as badly as you or I.” For a dude in a skin-tight spandex suit, Wade could really sell it. “They just want an outlet for their aggression. If this place was full of real true blue do-gooders, they wouldn’t be smackin on each other in those fights your talking about. Just try it. Make daddy proud.”

 

That last line must have gone over Jin’s head, but he quickly absorbed the rest. “Well damn, your right!” Then he got up. “I SHOULD start a fight!” He decided to punch ol’ Wolverine straight in the jaw. Logan fell to the floor, but quickly jumped to his feet. He looked more pissed than he would have been had Wade dumped that quip about his claws on him.

 

“BAR FIGHT!” 

 

Soon everyone was rushing out. The bot who took Wade’s order was running around in circles. Everyone could  fight, but when that’s your job, do you really want to do that off-hours? “ The one time someone listens to me. Jesus Christ.

 

Jin and Logan really went at it. Logan dodged most of the dude’s punches, but then he got one good uppercut in, and that was when Wade knew this was all gonna go south. In actuality, he realized it had gone south when Logan’s claws reared their ugly heads. “ Shiitake mushrooms.

 

“Easy there tiger. You just might be barking up the wrong tree.”

 

“You told me to punch someone!”

 

“Hello, earth to space-case! Literally anyone but this guy! Do you wanna get turned into microwavable cutlets?”

 

“Not really, but---” 

 

Wade shoved himself between the semi-drunken combatants.

 

“Excuse us, Logan.” 

 

After something has happened for, say, the 1000th time, it’s humanly possible to be phased by that very thing. Wade was in the middle of a conversation, with this fine young specimen, no less, and no amount of adamantium claws was going to get between that.

 

And so he continued on as though Logan was not currently ripping his body to shreds.

 

“Hey, woah, WAIT, YOUR KILLING HIM! I’M SORRY I HIT YOU WOLV-”

 

“What, this? Don’t apologize! I’m fine.”

 

“But your bleeding!” Blood was definitely on the ground. Puddles were forming under Wade’s feet.

 

“I think this conversation is more pertinent than my blood loss. Feral furry over here is getting his anger out. Ain’t that right, Logan?”

 

No response from that guy.

 

“Doesn’t it hurt?” 

 

“Not really.” He had the audacity to ignore the absurdity of the situation.

 

“Still, um, I think I’m gonna put a stop to this.” Jin pushed Wade aside, far away enough that he wouldn’t get swept up. “CYCLONE!!

 

The man spun around, creating a yellowish vortex around him. Logan was swept up flying into the air. His body met the bar ceiling, before slamming onto the wooden flooring. Once he was grounded, Jin stopped spinning. He didn’t even look dizzy.

 

Wade pointed to Logan, and then to Jin, and then back to Logan, like a little kid. “He’s out cold!” 

 

“Yeah. Just cuz I can’t land a fight doesn’t mean I’m a slouch in that department.”

 

“The dude has moves ! Impressive. I think I’m blushing. Am I blushing? Maybe I’m going pale. Any fucking way, that was so fucking cool, man! I’m like, fangirling.”

 

“Do you wanna get out of here?”

 

“That sounds great, but you miiiiiiight have to carry me until my spinal column grows back.”