Justin: This next question comes from John Doe, which feels very suspicious on a number-
Griffin: Who is this guy, a murder victim?
Justin: Yeah, a number of levels.
Griffin: Sorry pal, but if you’re already dead, we can’t help you anymore!
Travis: To be fair, even if he was alive, we probably couldn’t help him.
Griffin: Okay but there’s like, a difference between giving advice to a dead guy versus to our lovely listening audience, which is that whatever path led you to that moment, you have already made the final mistake! There’s nowhere to go from there!
Justin: Yeah, I will say, I don’t want to alienate our undead or dead audience, but it feels like whatever precipitated your death was pretty final, huh? Feels like there’s not much we could do.
Travis: Just finish the question before we get a lot of tweets from angry ghosts.
Griffin: Those are called bot accounts actually Travis, all those ghost twitters that follow you.
Justin: John Doe says “I am a student athlete and I have an issue with someone on my team. The first time I ever met him, he hit me so hard in the stomach with a racquet that I went flying to the floor-
Griffin: Okay, wait, I know the answer to this question, get a restraining order. Or leave the state. Probably leave the state. Leave the state might be the right answer.
Justin: Let me finish, it gets so much worse. He hit me so hard in the stomach with a racquet that I went flying to the floor. However, over this year, though he has threatened me with death on a number of occasions, he has promised to keep me safe from my past (don’t worry about it).
Griffin: DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT?
Travis: Maybe the murder victim thing wasn’t that much of a mistake, when was this question sent?
Justin: This was sent--- oh god five months ago.
Griffin: Okay, so he’s dead. He’s definitely dead.
Justin: Since that promise, he’s quickly become the only person I can trust, even though I like the rest of my team. He’s given me a key to his house and a key to his car, and I know he doesn’t do that for anyone. Also, he’s become one of the main reasons I haven’t gone on the run from my past (again, don’t worry about it.) Recently, he confessed that he’s attracted to me, and though I’ve never been attracted to anyone in my life, I think he might be the exception. The problem is that I’ll probably be dead by the end of the year (different problem) and I don’t want to upset him when I die. Should I take a chance on something potentially great, or should I try and spare both of us the pain? And this is from Anonymous in Why Do You Need To Know?
Griffin: Jesus Christ. Are we sure this isn’t a Yahoo? It feels as batshit as a Yahoo.
Justin: Not a Yahoo, but possible more insane than a Yahoo.
Griffin: I genuinely had no idea where this question would go. This was a rollercoaster. This actually might be the craziest question we’ve ever had on this show.
Justin: I barely even know where to start, there’s so much to unpack.
Travis: I love how the part where he might actually die at the end of the year-
Griffin: He has almost certainly died Travis, he is a dead man, we are giving advice to a dead person right now.
Travis: Right, even the thing that definitely killed him, that’s not the problem he wants help for.
Justin: He knew three chuckleheads wouldn’t save him from the mob or whatever.
Griffin: It feels like the mob, it definitely feels like he’s involved with some mob and they’re gonna take him out for writing in to our very popular advice podcast. We killed him! It’s us!
Travis: So should he fuck that guy?
Griffin: NO! Jesus!
Justin: Okay hold on a second.
Griffin: IT STARTED IN ASSAULT AND BATTERY! DO NOT FUCK THIS GUY!
Travis: But that was just the beginning, now they live together and stuff.
Griffin: How could that be anything other than Stockholm Syndrome?
Travis: Listen, we’ve all had relationships that started out pretty rough, and then you get to know each other, maybe clear up some miscommunication, and then there’s a pretty good friend right there.
Justin: Or lover.
Travis: Or lover!
Griffin: Okay yes, I have friends who have disagreed with me on issues, that I, at the time, found to be incredibly consequential, but were in fact, inconsequential, except for the feud I had about Pokemon-
Travis: Oh, if this was about Pokemon, absolutely not. Did you fight over Pokemon, question-asker? Cause if so, you gotta hit the road.
Griffin: The point, Travis, is that none of those relationships that later got shaken out began with ARMED ASSAULT and DEATH THREATS.
Travis: I’m just saying, it seems like this guy isn’t a threat anymore.
Justin: Yeah, our question-asker pretty explicitly says this is the only guy he can trust.
Griffin: How can you guys be defending this! This is a nightmare situation! This is the nightmare!
Travis: I’m just saying, you gotta be looking at this question from the point of view of the asker, not of the Griffin. The asker seems to like this guy, and maybe we should consider that over our personal judgements.
Griffin: Counterpoint, actually, to that Travis, because our show operates on EXCLUSIVELY our PERSONAL JUDGEMENTS. I vote no on fucking this guy, and yes on leaving the country forever so you never see him again.
Griffin: Goddammit. ~Unless~.
Justin: What if it’s true love?
Griffin: Son of a bitch.
Justin: No, I’m serious, what if the assault was like a mob mating ritual to prove that you can scrap with the best of them and then the courting begins.
Griffin: I cannot believe you.
Justin: Listen, it’s clear that our question-asker is possibly as crazy as it gets, is it that insane that maybe he needs to find someone crazy too? Like, maybe his mob past has taught him not to care that much about the violence and the threats.
Travis: Also, even with the threats, like, Griffin threatens me with death all the time, but it’s born of love.
Griffin: Sometimes, Travvy, sometimes it’s born of love, other times it is born of pure homicidal rage that would almost surely end in a felony if only you didn’t live in a different state.
Travis: Right, but that’s what I’m saying, this guy is probably just upset about how much he respects and cares for you and lashes out in fear the way Griffin does to me.
Justin: I don't really know if we should be establishing a precedent that the people who act aggressively and violently are super romantically viable partners, or whatever, but in this case, it feels like all of that is secondary to the whole trust thing.
Travis: Yeah, it’s the keys that get to me the most.
Griffin: Okay yes, the keys thing is possibly the most insane thing I heard in the question.
Justin: That was the most insane thing?
Griffin: Yeah, like, as Travis said, I’ll threaten anyone with death at any time, and if I were to lash out violently, if it wasn’t with my dual-wield katanas, it would probably be with some sort of racquet, or other sports accoutrement, you know how fanatical I am about sports-
Travis: Yes, a super sports fanatic.
Justin: About as sporty as you get. Didn’t they call you the super jock in high school?
Griffin: Yeah, I was in Varsity Football and also our local community theater, but that’s not the point. I could theoretically imagine myself being in a position to do most of these things to a stranger, but the key thing? The only person I would give a key to my home is Rachel. Do you know why?
Travis: Cause you love her?
Griffin: Cause she LIVES THERE! I mean, the key to my car? That means a completely unknown variable is driving my car on my insurance!
Travis: But what if you know the person? That’s not that unknown then, right?
Griffin: No, Travis, every person is an unknown, because I don’t know how they drive My Car!
Justin: Griffin is right, this is a risk actually to give anyone keys, especially those two keys.
Travis: Okay, go with me on this, but what if those keys, together, make up the key……
Travis: To his heart.
Griffin: Oh fuck off.
Justin: That's terrible, Travis.
Travis: Okay, at the very least, this guy has given you the keys to his house, and his car, has become the only person you trust, and has promised to take care of you from everything that scares you in his past.
Griffin: Well, when you put it like that-
Travis: That’s what I’m saying, it sounds like you’re already in a relationship of some sort.
Justin: True love, that’s what I’m saying. I mean, the question asker has already said this guy is the exception to not being attracted to anyone. Can you imagine thinking that nobody in the world was attractive except one person, and that person gives you the keys to their home and their car and their heart-
Griffin: Not you too.
Justin: That’s about as good a green light as you’re going to get! I say go for it!
Griffin: But what about the whole, you know, being dead soon thing?
Justin: Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.
Travis: That’s cliche, but 100% true. Can you imagine if you died regretting all of the beautiful love you could have made.
Griffin: Travis, that’s just gross.
Justin: I’m saying take a chance on this guy.
Griffin: I cannot believe how far from reality we’ve come since we started this question.
Travis: But you agree with us, don't you?
Griffin: If it’s true love, I would rather die than stand in the way of it, but I don’t want anyone to blame me if they’re killed horribly in a racquet related murder because of our advice.
Justin: Well, we say nobody should follow our advice in the beginning, so it’s all on him.
Griffin: Oh shit, you’re right, no consequences! In that case, you should absolutely fuck this guy! No regrets baby, live like you’re dying.
Travis: Or like you’re already dead, because you almost certainly are. How about another Yahoo, Griffin?
Justin: This question isn’t actually a question, it’s a follow up from the absolutely insane John Doe question we got a few months back, do y’all remember?
Griffin: Oh my god, the racquet wielding mob victim is back and this time we’re the ones who must die.
Justin: Actually, we were 100% right about everything, for perhaps the first time in our lives.
Travis: You’re fucking with me.
Justin: Dear brothers, thanks for getting back with a response for me. As an update, me and the guy did actually end up getting together, and don't tell him, but I’m as happy as I’ve ever been. I don’t know if you saw anything on the news about Exy-
Griffin: Wait, is Exy that crazy lacrosse game that like, kills people?
Travis: Yeah, there was a whole thing about it, because one of the players was revealed to be the son of someone in the mob-
Griffin: Oh shit. Oh fuck, oh god oh shit.
Justin: but I was the player with all the mob controversy. Honestly, I was just as convinced of my own death as you guys were, but some crazy stuff went down, and now I’m pretty much safe. Anyways, your advice was surprisingly accurate and really helped clarify some stuff after the fact. Thanks again for all the help, Neil Josten.
Griffin: Bullshit. I call bullshit.
Travis: Do you think this was just a huge hoax played on us, or do we actually believe a son of a mob boss wrote into our show to ask about his love life?
Justin: I want to believe it’s true so goddamn badly, I cannot tell you how much I want this to be our own personal truth.
Griffin: Are they coming after us for real though? Because if they’re listening to this right now, I am not a narc and I never will be and I’m super pro minding my own business and never talking to cops ever about anything.
Justin: I also am not a snitch, although I refuse to vouch for Travis.
Travis: I’m not a snitch but I could be a Quaffle.
Griffin: God, you lameass nerd. Go read a book or something.
Justin: Either way, I’m glad true love triumphed and I’m glad we’re now mob-adjacent because that ups our street cred in the podcast game by about a trillion percent.
Travis: We should make that our new description or something, just put mob-adjacent on merch and stuff.
Griffin: Yeah, because that’s not an advertisment for either the police or the fucking mob to kill us in our sleep.
Justin: You live in the darkness of fear, so you will never know the light of all the money we’re gonna make on our mob-adjacent merchandise.
Griffin: I’m reading a Yahoo, and hopefully none of us dies soon. Neil, if that is your real name, I hope you and your gay lover live very happy lives and never forget to include us in any protection you have from the government.