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City of Angels (I'd Give Up Forever)

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“Dude, this is creepy.”

Lexa ignored her companion for the third time in ten minutes, choosing instead to casually lean further back on the bus stop bench beneath them. Her eyes stayed focused on the figure framed in the coffee shop window across the street, wishing she were there, seated opposite the person, as was her normal routine.

“Listen, I know it’s literally our job to watch people, but I’m pretty sure you and I both know this” Anya said, motioning between Lexa and the shop across the way, “is not what He meant.”

With a deep sigh, Lexa resigned herself to the knowledge that she was going to have to have this conversation. Again.

“Anya, I know. Okay? I know… I just. There’s something special about her. I mean, look at her,” she said, directing Anya’s gaze to the woman finishing up her usual early morning croissant.

Despite her station in the hierarchy of existence, Anya gave an indecent snort. She watched the blonde doctor, who had inexplicably captured the attention of her fellow angel, dribble a bit of latte down her chin as she rose, trying to take a final sip while gathering her belongings and ultimately failing miserably at multitasking.

“Ah, yes. Now I see it,” Anya said, grin spreading slightly as she watched her friend turn to glare at the side of her head.

She didn’t judge the poor woman. She was only human, and humans make mistakes. That was what her kind was for; to watch over them and sometimes, when the occasion called for it, step in to help them out.

“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” Lexa scowled.

“Don’t you?” Anya cooly shot back.

With a conceding huff, Lexa stood from the bench, slipping her hands into the pockets of her long black coat. She did have somewhere to be, and Clarke was leaving for her shift at the hospital anyway, so it wasn’t really like she was giving into Anya’s taunting. Still, she stole a few extra moments to watch the woman, ‘Clarke’ she enjoyed saying to herself, walk quickly down the sidewalk and round the corner out of sight.

This has been her routine for over two years. Every Monday, Thursday and Saturday she’d sit quietly, unseen by the world, and watch the most beautiful human she’d ever encountered enjoy her pre thirteen-hour-hospital-shift coffee and pastry. Not that Lexa didn’t see her other times as well, but these particular mornings felt different somehow. It was relaxing in a way. While her fellow angels tended to enjoy sunrises cresting over the waves of the Pacific, she had grown to prefer watching the first morning rays tangle themselves in perfect strands of honey wheat blonde.

“Tick tock, Alexandria,” Anya’s monotone voice sounded, breaking Lexa out of her flaxen hued thoughts. Turning swiftly on her heel, she took off down the street in the opposite direction of the hospital. A few seconds passed before she felt Anya’s presence beside her again, immediately matching pace.

“Well, that was rude.”

“Like you said, we have somewhere to be. I figured you’d appreciate my expediency.”

“You're this ridiculous and He still decided to actually leave you in charge of people’s lives,” Anya said with a roll of her eyes.

“She", Lexa emphasized, "has fantastic taste, obviously,” with a smug lift of her shoulder.

“Ugh," Anya groaned, "not this again. He, She, They, Them, The One, Up There, Nudge Nudge Wink Wink. You know perfectly well in this one case and one case only, pronouns are rather irrelevant.”

“If it’s irrelevant then you shouldn’t care what I use.”

“I don’t care what you use, you were the one who- no, you know what, I’m not doing this again. Stop distracting me. As I was saying, before you interrupted to prove my point, you’re ridiculous. And why are we walking?”

“I like being among the people, you know that. I think it’s good for them. And for us.”

“They can’t see us Alexandria,” came the expected drawling reply.

“That’s not the point. This is our job. To be here with them, watching them. Among them.”

“Nnnno, our job is to watch over them. As in, over all of them. As in, we do not have to be walking right now. We could very well blink ourselves anywhere we need to be and still be doing exactly what we’re doing right now, only I wouldn’t have to be smelling the fumes from that bus.”

“You’re more than welcome to go blink yourself whenever you’d like,” Lexa replied with a mischievous lilt, “I didn’t exactly invite you to join me on my morning walk.”

“Your morning stalk, you mean,” Anya muttered quietly, but it was still loud enough to have Lexa wheel around in front of her in the middle of the sidewalk. The people around them never breaking stride, unaware of their presence.

“What are you trying to say? Every time you decide to invite yourself along in the morning, you spend the whole time making little comments. So just… get out what you really want to say or stop,” said Lexa, finally showing the full measure of her annoyance.

Anya stared at her for a few moments before softening slightly. “Alexandria, you can’t keep doing this. You know it’s not right, and it’s not good for you. It’s not what we’re here for.”

“And what, exactly, am I doing?”

“Do not play stupid. We’re angels, we don’t have that luxury. You can’t spend all your time focusing on one person. I’m not even exactly sure how or why you feel like you care about her beyond our normal affection for them, but it’s not how this is supposed to work.”

“I don’t spend all of my time focusing on one person, Anya. I know what my duty here is. Can you really, truly, accuse me of ever once failing my people?”

Looking out into the busy street, Anya shifted her hands into her own coat pockets before minutely shaking her head. “I can’t.”

“No, I didn’t think so. So please, stop. I understand your point, I’ve heard you every time, but Anya,” Lexa said, then stopping, taking a moment to center herself before catching Anya’s eyes again. “I need you to trust me. Whatever I feel or don’t feel for her, I would never let it interfere,” she said while vaguely motioning to the world around them, “with this. With us and them. Okay?”

Holding her stare, Anya replied softly, “You can’t be sure. If your focus is divided-”

She’s cut off by the movement of Lexa’s arm shooting out to her left, hand wrapping around the top strap of a young boy’s bright red backpack, effectively yanking him back up onto the curb from where he had taken a running step down without looking.

Within seconds, a large green SUV sped past, exactly where the boy would have been running. He let out a sharp yelp of surprise as the vehicle whooshed past him, barely two feet from his face, wind blowing his dark shaggy hair back from his forehead. His mother, finally having caught up to the boy from where he had taken off running in his excitement for the day, pulled him into a breathless hug, gently scolding to always stop and look before crossing. Silently, but profoundly, thankful that he had taken a step back at the last moment.

Lowering her arm back to her side, Lexa continued to glower at her angelic counterpart. “I think you’ll find my focus… is perfectly fine.”

Properly silenced, but mind still uneasy, Anya could only pull her lips inward as she lowered her head.

“Now, my appointment for this morning is over, so I’m going to go. I believe you, however, still have somewhere you need to be. I’ll leave you to it.” With that, Lexa vanished in a soft breeze, leaving Anya alone with her thoughts.

/////////////////

The first time Lexa saw Clarke was fitting for her line work. Inevitable, really, at least Lexa thought as much.

She had gotten the message, she likened the call to a now familiar tingly-twinge feeling in her chest, that told her she needed to be at the small community hospital that snowy December night. She also remembered the aching feeling that had filled her chest upon seeing the beautiful doctor for the first time; a decidedly different ache than she had ever felt before in her relatively long existence. Their interaction, if you could call it that, had left her feeling shaken and off center. Yet also... inexplicably invigorated. Which was startling, given the task she had been called there to perform.

Lexa’s job was not a favored one among the various choirs of angels. Being one in charge of protecting children was not an envied title, if for no other reason than knowing those chosen to shoulder the burden were the ones inevitably tasked with carrying out the most heartbreaking of duties. Though it was respected beyond most every other station for how emotionally heavy the job could be at times. Even for angels. However, Lexa had wanted this responsibility from her creation. There was something about the weight of the responsibility this position held that called to her. The fact that she found children endlessly amusing to watch over didn’t hurt either. So when the opportunity arose to join a faction of angels in a small community on the outskirts of Los Angeles, she was the natural choice among her celestial peers.

Though Lexa loved her work, it could be crushing at times. Never one to be above shedding tears for the particularly unfair cases, she always wondered at people who believed the notion that angels had no emotions or feelings. It had honestly shocked her the first time she heard the theory. ‘Angels indeed feel, very deeply, I’ll have you know’, she had indignantly huffed to ears that could not hear.

Yes, each angel handled them in their own way, same as humans in that respect, but they all had emotions. Anger, hurt, affection, annoyance, jealousy, reverence.

Fear. Doubt.

Love.

Heartache.

They were, though admittedly different in certain aspects, complex individuals. Just the same as humans.

That December evening’s case was a particularly unfair one, in Lexa’s humbly angelic opinion. These cases were the ones that echoed in her mind for days afterward. But knowing she must, because there was no other choice in this case, she reached her hand through the protective glass barrier and placed two exceptionally gentle fingers on top of a tiny knitted cap.

As the final whispered words of the comforting prayer left her mouth, alarms she had grown to associate with the worst aspects of her job began to ting and wail through the previously serene air. The nurse at the large desk to her right sprung into action, immediately pushing several call buttons before rushing over to fill the space Lexa had vacated.

It wasn’t strictly in her job description to stay behind after her task had been completed. From what she heard from others like herself, most found it too hard to bear, knowing there was nothing to be done. But she always did. She hoped these scrubs clad humans (she liked to think of them as angels in their own way) could feel at least some of her calming presence. She wasn’t exactly sure it worked that way, but she did it all the same. Just in case.

The doors to the room burst open as two nurses, followed quickly by two more figures in starched white coats, rushed in. Immediately they began shouting instructions to the nurses and each other, their words and sounds bleeding together in Lexa’s ears. All she could do was step slightly closer, praying they could feel some form of calm in this storm of her own making.

After a few moments one of the double doors swung open again, followed by a dangerously stern, “What the hell happened?”, causing Lexa’s head to shoot up. Her eyes landed on a woman dressed in banana yellow scrubs with… monkeys on them.

“Dr. Griffin,” one of the male doctors responded, “I don’t know what's going on. He was stabilizing an hour ago during rounds, but now I can’t get a pulse.”

“Shit,” the woman, Dr. Griffin, gritted out before jumping into action. Lexa couldn’t explain it, didn’t understand why, but she couldn’t take her eyes off the newcomer. Her face, specifically.

She stood there, slightly off to the side. Helpless and frozen, watching this woman doing everything she could think of to change something that could not be changed. As each emotion passed over her features, Lexa felt them reverberate inside her being. It was always difficult, seeing their efforts go unrewarded no matter how hard they tried. Witnessing the determination slowly slip into desperation. Followed eventually, however much later, by defeat.

As she watched the glaze of tears slowly overtake the blue eyes staring unseeing down at the small form in front of her, Lexa's heart broke for the second time that night.

//////////////////

She should've left. She knew she should have left. When the final call was made and the doctors slowly began to file out of the room, that had always been the moment when she would retreat to her high off cliff top overlooking the ocean. To sit and mend her bruised heart and prepare her mind for the next task ahead.

She knew she shouldn’t have followed this woman (‘Dr. Griffin’ her inner voice reminded her) to the stairwell at the end of the hall, but making her feet take her anywhere else simply felt impossible at that moment.

What she didn’t know was why. Realistically there was nothing she could do. Not really. She could try to give her a small feeling of peace, but she wasn’t even sure if that would work coming from her. Nonetheless, she stayed.

And followed.

And watched the woman sink down on to the uncomfortable looking grey steps to bury her face in her hands. The doctor’s muffled sobs echoing louder in Lexa ears than in the empty stairwell as she sat down silently beside her.

The feeling of helplessness grew within her as she watched this small person grieve, and then without thinking, Lexa reached out to gently place her hand on the woman’s bare forearm... Only to startle back when she jumped nearly straight in the air. If Lexa had an audible heartbeat, she was sure it’s racing pounds would’ve loudly reverberated through the confined space from watching the woman’s head whip around, eyes searching the seemingly empty air beside her. Lexa knew her own startled, wide eyed expression at being caught must have been comical.

‘She can’t see you, genius,’ a voice that sounded suspiciously like Anya’s had helpfully chimed in her head. Still, that had never happened before. It excited and scared her and, yeah, she was definitely going to have to test that out on other people. For science.

More than anything though, that was the first time she had been able to clearly see the woman’s entire face. She was beautiful, and Lexa found herself staring for a completely different reason. The subtle scrunch between her brows as her eyes ricocheted around the seemingly empty stairwell. Those eyes, the color reminding her of children laughing under sunny summer afternoon skies. The slope of her nose leading down to slightly glossy red lips, topped with a beauty mark Lexa instinctually knew She must have spent an obscene amount of time perfecting to capture such an effect. Even the tear tracks gliding over the lush apples of her cheeks looked enchanting. Lexa had no idea what the warm glowing feeling she felt in her chest meant, but she knew it wasn’t unpleasant so she figured there was no need to panic.

The beeping sound of the doctors pager going off had abruptly broke their separate but equally silent inspections. A final sniffle and deep breath for strength later, the doctor collected herself enough to stand and climb up the three steps that lead her back to the children’s ICU.

/////////////////

 

That had been two Decembers ago.

Since that day, her mind never strayed too far or for too long from that gorgeous face. At first she wasn’t sure what to make of it all. Never before in all of her time moving about the world and interacting with humans, whether they knew she was there or not, had Lexa ever been so drawn to one person. She found herself inventing excuses to visit the hospital. Even when, thankfully, there was no assignment to be carried out. 'What was the harm', she told herself. Really, when she thought about it, one could say she was going above and beyond her station by visiting even when it wasn’t explicitly called for. She offered the children a feeling of comfort, and she enjoyed watching the children grow stronger under the doctor's excellent care. ‘Exemplary angelic performance of duties,’ she had nodded to herself regularly throughout that first year.

And if, by happy coincidence, her visits meant she could gaze at blue eyes and the face that sported a seemingly permanent teasing grin that had set up residence in her mind, well… everyone likes job perks.

It also meant she had the opportunity to learn more about the woman. Her name was Clarke, Lexa had learned after a few weeks. She had recently moved from the east coast (Lexa had wondered why she hadn’t seen her before, knowing she would have remembered a face like that) and had taken up the newly vacant attending position in Pediatrics at the small community hospital. She had been offered a more prestigious position in a larger LA area hospital, but preferred to lend her skills to a smaller, lower income based group of pocket sized patients.

Lexa did not swoon.

She also learned Clarke was… not exactly what one would expect when they saw her bright smile and colorful scrubs, typically decorated with various animals or cartoon characters. Clarke with patients was a sight to behold. Professional, driven, unflinchingly focused in moments of crisis, and unapologetically patient-care oriented. Not to mention all the children adored her, with her silly and disarmingly charming bedside manner that never failed to turn even the grumpiest of frowns upside down.

Clarke outside of the hospital was a different entity entirely. A quick wit and exceptionally smart mouth kept her friends and enemies alike on their toes, though truth be told Clarke had very few enemies. She was kind but stubborn, strong willed without suffocating the enjoyment of others in her pursuit for getting her own way.

It had taken about a year and some change for Lexa to finally break down and admit she was smitten with the woman. She grew tired of trying to explain these feelings away. Somewhere between that fateful December evening and the 80th time she walked silently beside Clarke on her short trip home, Lexa had fallen irrevocably in love with the woman. She didn’t know exactly how it happened. She consoled herself with what she considered to be a fact; it was unfathomable any being could know Clarke and not love her.

Who could possibly not love her laughter and her smiles? Each given freely in equal measure. How could anyone not look at her kind heart and fall madly to pieces? Want to fight off the slip of tears should they come? See her tenacity and bravery and warmth and ever want to behold anything else? The fact that she was gorgeous was a delightful bonus.

The ‘when’ part she eventually decided didn’t really matter. Though she was intrigued by Clarke from the first second, she figured it was more than likely a gradual building of affection until one day, she just knew.

From that day on, Lexa visited as often as possible. It was silly, she knew it was, considering the woman didn’t even know she was there, but she couldn’t find the strength to care enough to stop. So she chose to watch over her. Be near in the moments of tragedy and heartache for her patients, do whatever she could think of to guide her in moments of danger or uncertainty, marvel at her moments of joy and brilliance and success, and simply enjoy being in the presence of her favorite person.

 

/////////////////

This particular evening began as mundanely as the hundreds before. No looming appointments on the agenda offered Lexa a free night to enjoy one of her favorite indulgences, walking beside Clarke under a clear star speckled sky. She often wishes she could show Clarke the beauty of stars from a place far less light polluted than the outskirts of Los Angeles. Still, she enjoys the serenity provided by their soft twinkle and the occasional gentle hum of her walking companion.

From hospital to apartment complex doorstep was give or take a 20 minute walk, depending on the fatigue of Clarke’s feet or how distracted her thoughts. Lexa remembered the day Clarke had moved into her new apartment, excitedly telling her grunting friends around piles of boxes how much easier life would be living so close to work. Her smile of contentment had left Lexa feeling light for the rest of the day. Also knowing Clarke had a particularly trying set of patients under her care that day, Lexa was fully prepared for a slow rambling walk home to give Clarke enough time to unburden her mind from the day.

What she was not expecting was for Clarke, still mentally seven blocks back, to not be paying attention where her feet were going. On a poorly placed step, Clarke’s ankle rolled violently causing her to fall forward onto her hands and knees. Instinctively Lexa moved to catch the falling woman, only remembering herself at the last second and snatching her hands back to her sides.

The last thing she needs is to scare the wits out of the poor woman with phantom touches, instead silently watching as she rolls to the side to sit properly, holding a rapidly swelling ankle.

“Ahh, fuck,” Clarke says while sucking calming breathes through clenched teeth. “Perfect.”

That was another attribute Lexa had learned about Clarke. Her vocabulary was… colorful. Robustly so.

Lexa crouched beside her on the pavement, uselessly looking at the ankle, which by now had swollen to twice it’s normal size. After a moment Clarke gingerly set the foot back on the ground, moving to see what, if any, weight it could withstand. Immediately upon trying to push forward off her arms, she collapsed back down on her rear with a pained shout, hands flying to cradle the injured limb once more.

Standing up, Lexa’s mind flew through how in the world to possibly handle this. There weren’t exactly a lot of options being in her non-corporeal state. Her first thought was to signal to another angel actually equipped to handle this sort of thing, but just as quickly dismissed the idea. It was bad enough Anya knew what a lovesick puppy she is for the woman. And there’s no way she would be able to explain why she, an angel in charge of protecting children, just so happened to be right here with a very adult aged human, and desperately negotiating with them to heal her relatively minor injury.

The questions that would get?

Hard pass.

Her second thought was waiting for Clarke to figure out on her own that she needs to call someone for help. But again, that presented logistical problems. Having spent so much time around the woman, she knew none of Clarke's friends lived nearby. Which meant she’d be sitting here for quite a while, if she could even get ahold of anyone at this hour. In the meantime, what if some stranger with not-the-best of intentions walked by? No, thank you.

There really was no other feasible option she could see.

Screaming internally at herself that this was very likely the worst idea she ever had in the history of having ideas, Lexa settled on a plan.

With a final glance at Clarke, who still sat on the ground while quietly cursing everything about the last two minutes, Lexa walked several paces down the block in the opposite direction, so as to be out of direct sight, and manifested her physical form. She didn’t do this very often, usually when a child in distressed needed a palatable physical comfort unable to be provided any other way. So her first few steps where bit awkward, needing a moment to get a feel for the heaviness of her limbs, but she stepped forward and tried to make herself as un-intimidating as possible in the hopes of not scaring the injured woman half to death.

Approaching quietly, she cleared her throat and opened her mouth to offer a soft greeting. Instead, she was cut off with a startled yelp as the woman snapped around at the waist to see who was behind her.

“Jesus Christ!" Clarke shrieked. "You scared the shit out of me,” she said, clutching her chest while taking rapid steadying breaths to calm her heartbeat.

“I’m so sorry, I'm sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you. I just, I saw you sitting here and wanted to see if you needed help,” Lexa said as she walked around Clarke, coming to kneel in front of her. The feeling of Clarke’s eye tracking her movements made her chest feel like it was cracking open. Simply knowing she could actually see her at all had her mind racing yet entirely blank at the same time.

But, priorities first, she told herself.

‘Focus, Lexa’.

“Are you hurt?”

“Yeah," she sighed, finally recovering from the initial fright. "God this is embarrassing, I was walking and twisted my ankle somehow and went down. I mean, I really bit it. I’m kind of glad you didn’t see that part,” Clarke chuckled embarrassedly.

Mouth working faster than her mind, Lexa responded, “I would have caught you," before clamping her mouth shut.

‘Inside thoughts, Lexa. Inside thoughts.’

“How very knight in shining armor of you…” Clarke trailed off with a grin. It took Lexa a few seconds to realize what she was waiting for before responding.

“Oh! Lexa. I’m Lexa. Technically it’s Alexandria. But, I mean, I’ve always preferred Lexa. Not that I can get anyone to call me it,” she scowled, thinking of Anya’s smug grin. “Anyway, yes. That's me, Lexa. It’s, it's Lexa,” she finished lamely with a tiny wave, trying to ignore the way Clarke’s brow slowly rose during her rambling mess of an introduction.

“Well... Lexa was it?” she said with a smirk, ”Despite the circumstances it’s nice to meet you. I’m Clarke.”

//////////////////

 

It vaguely registered to Lexa that she should stop staring at the woman in front of her and actually take the hand being offered in greeting, but getting her body to actually move was something she couldn’t figure out at the moment. After all this time, all the hours spent imagining what it would be like to speak to Clarke, hearing her say her name made every muscle in her newly manifested body, including her brain, seize up.

For a few suspended moments Lexa gaped slack jawed at the injured blonde, before seeing the smirk start to slip from her face as she began to draw her hand back into her lap. Realizing the moment was escaping her, less gracefully than her nature should have dictated, Lexa shot her own hand forward to grasp the woman's slowly receding one. In her fervency, she missed her mark by a mile, instead wrapping her hand around the woman’s forearm over her jacket. Instinctively, Clarke grasped Lexa’s own arm, leading to a somewhat bizarre full arm “handshake”.

“Oh, okay. Well, aren’t you enthusiastic," Clarke said with a slightly startled laugh. "But, again, nice to meet you,” she continued, smile back on her lips, a hint of amusement behind her words.

Feeling ridiculous and annoyed at herself, Lexa released the arm in her grip just enough to slide her hand down, allowing her to gently take Clarke’s in her own.

The first feeling of palm caressing palm sent a lightning bolt of sensation through Lexa’s body, which startled her. Naturally, physical sensations feel different to angels than humans. It’s not that they can’t physically feel things, that’d be absurd, but everything was sort of… muted. A punch felt more like a tap, fire more like a tickle. So the shock that raced through her at the warm feel of Clarke’s skin, though to her it was more a ghost of body heat, was like nothing she felt before. It was scary and exciting and addictive all at once. Fingers, smaller than her own, returned the touch and Lexa knew if she had a choice in the matter she’d never let go.

Clearing her throat again, Lexa went through the motions of shaking Clarke’s hand, trying and probably failing to not seem as though her entire existence once again felt upside down.

“Sorry, it’s nice to meet you as well, Clarke,” she said, grateful her voice only shook the tiniest amount. Then she made the mistake of looking up from their joined hands.

The look on Clarke’s face was one of startled awe. Mouth ajar, slightly widened eyes fogged over with a look that Lexa couldn’t altogether read but caused her stomach to sink. Lexa’s mind immediately began to race with possible causes for this reaction. Was touching her a mistake? Was there some weird thing where she had given herself away? No, no that couldn’t be it. Was she overdoing the hand shake? How long were hand shakes supposed to last? Was this too much? Oh lord, was she being really weird right now?

“Who… do I know you?” Clarke finally asked, still looking a little dazed but trying to pull herself together. “I just have this strange feeling of deja vu. Like I’ve met you before somewhere or… something.”

Heart thoroughly lodged in her throat, pretty sure she now understood what was going on, Lexa hurried to answer, “No, I um, I don’t think so. I’m, I'm positive, actually. I'd tell you if we had. So no, no, I’m sorry, Clarke.”

Clarke’s eyes searched her face for a few seconds more before accepting her words as truth. With a nod and final downward shake, as graciously as possibly, she removed her hand from Lexa’s (much to the latter’s disappointment) and leaned her elbow on her knee.

“You say sorry a lot.”

“I do? That’s, I guess that’s a weird habit. I...” she trailed off before sucking her bottom lip between her teeth.

“You wanna say sorry right now, don’t you?” Clarke chuckled.

“Yes.” Lexa said while pinching the bridge of her nose.

Embarrassing. She was embarrassing.

“It’s okay, Lexa.” Every time the beautiful woman said her name, something inside of Lexa’s chest would zing around her ribcage, knocking the breath from her lungs. “But um, is there anyway I could talk you into helping me get up? I think once I’m up I can like, hobble-hop my way home or something. I’m only about three blocks that way,” she said pointing a thumb over her shoulder.

“Yeah, yes, of course,” Lexa said jumping into action. Shuffling forward to Clarke’s side, she accepted the hand being wound around her offered forearm, wrapping her opposite one around the woman’s waist, and lifted. It was a bit awkward, but they managed to get Clarke vertical once more. However, the moment she tried to put her foot to pavement, a small yelp of pain bubbled up from her chest as she started to sway backwards again. Thankful she hadn’t pulled away yet, Lexa tightened her hold around the shorter woman’s waist to keep her upright.

“I think I’m going to have to carry you.”

“Pff. Yeah, ok. No, but thank you. I’m way too heavy for you to carry. I’d break you.”

“Excuse you,” Lexa huffed, “you don’t seem very big at all. And also, I am indeed stronger than I look.”

“You’re a string bean.”

Lexa wasn’t proud of the affronted sound that came out of her mouth, but that was rude. She was lean was all. It was just the way she was created, okay? Angels don’t need showy muscles to do their work, the strength came from elsewhere, so to have her physique likened to a diminutive vegetable was… unnecessary.

“Well, we don’t have a lot of choice, Clarke,” she said evenly through her mild offense. “You can’t bear any weight on that ankle.”

“... I can hop?”

“That’ll take too long. You need to ice it as soon as possible. Just let me carry you.”

Staring each other down for a few minutes, Clarke finally gave in with a roll of her eyes and sigh, securing her bag more firmly on her shoulder. “Fine, but if you hurt yourself you can’t sue me because I didn’t want to do this in the first place. So just, turn around.”

“What?” Lexa frowned in confusion.

“Turn around? So I can climb up on your back? Ya know, for the piggy-back ride,” Clarke said, like it should've been obvious.

“Oh! Oh yes, of course, that was how I was planning to carry you.” It wasn’t. “Sor-uhh, I don’t know what I… never mind, it doesn’t matter. Here,” she said, turning around and bending her knees to make Clarke’s assent a bit easier. After hooking her arms around Clarke’s legs and waited for her to get a decent grip on her shoulders, also thoroughly ignoring the vibrating feeling throughout her body at the proximity, Lexa easily lifted Clarke off the ground as she stood up straight.

Turning her head to the side and catching Clarke’s impressed look, Lexa couldn’t help the slightly smug tone in her voice.

“See? Nothing to worry about.”

///////////////////

The trip to Clarke’s apartment building was quick and mostly silent, only broken by Lexa asking for random directions to make it seem as though she hadn’t walked this path hundreds of times before, or Clarke repeatedly thanking her for going to so much trouble.

When they reached the front doors of her building, Clarke hesitated a moment before leaning forward and punching in the code over Lexa’s shoulder, ultimately deciding a person willing to carry a complete stranger home because of a minor injury wasn’t likely to enjoy a hobby like breaking and entering. After a fumbling team effort to get through the door and a silent prayer of thanks during the short ride that the building was equipped with an elevator, Lexa finally eased Clarke back down to stand on her own feet.

Well.

Foot.

“Thank you so much, I really can’t tell you how much I appreciate this. Jesus, I can only imagine how long I would’ve sat there if you hadn’t come along. Probably would have just crawled home like a complete fucking idiot,” Clarke continued to ramble. ”Now that would have been poetic for my idiocy in twisting my ankle in the first pl-.”

“You’re not an idiot,” Lexa cut her off softly. She desperately didn’t want to be rude, but hearing Clarke talk about herself like that and actually being able to say something about it was an opportunity she wasn’t going to pass up. “Please don’t ever call yourself an idiot. You’re a doctor who takes care of kids on their worst days, no idiot could do what you do.”

“How did you know I’m a doctor?”

Rather than buckling at the knees in panic like her initial instinct told her to do, Lexa nodded to the badge clipped on the pocket on Clarke’s scrubs, visible through the gap in her open jacket, displaying her name next to the boldly printed M.D. Pediatrics in plain view.

Following Lexa’s line of sight, Clarke looked down then immediately back up with a light blush. “Ah, duh. Really making a case for myself in the whole ‘not an idiot’ argument, huh?” she said with an embarrassing twist of lips.

“Definitely not an idiot,” Lexa replied with a small smile. “But I’m glad I could help. Is there anything I can do or…” she trailed off in a silent question, not wanting to leave Clarke’s side at all, but knowing she should. Also knowing that suggesting she could come inside, even just to help her get settled with an ice pack and elevating pillow, would set off warning signals to many people with a sensitive ‘stranger danger’ radar.

“No, I couldn’t take up anymore of your evening. I don’t even know what plans I ruined already just by needing you to help me. Is there, I mean could I, okay I don’t know how to do this. Could I give you money? Like, pay you… for helping… me? Oh god. That sounded tacky as hell. Ignore me, please, I have no idea what I’m saying.” Clarke finished, rubbing her hand down and then back up the length of her face, leaving it there to hide behind.

Lexa, completely enchanted by the flow of ridiculous words, couldn’t help the smile slowly overtaking her mouth, growing wider with each endearing yet entirely misguided sentence.

Peeking through the fingers resting against her eyes and noticing the look on her savior’s face, Clarke instead swung the hand out to lightly nudge Lexa’s shoulder in reproach.

“Don’t laugh at me, I’m injured,” she chuckled.

“I’m not laughing.”

“You’re smiling like you want to laugh. That’s basically the same thing. You can’t make fun of an injured woman, that completely voids all karma points you racked up tonight by helping me.”

Knowing that’s not how any of that works, Lexa just nodded her acquiescence and tried to tone down the wattage of adoration on her face. Slipping her hands into the pockets of her coat and wetting her lower lip, she decided it was time to part ways.

“I appreciate the sentiment, honestly it’s very sweet, but it’s not necessary. I’m just glad I could help and that you’re safe... that’s, that’s all that matters to me.” Lexa said, flushing slightly but not regretting her honesty. Reluctantly, Lexa started to take a step back from the doorframe that Clarke was leaning against as she watched her evening rescuer begin to leave. “It was lovely meeting you, even though you had to be hurt for it to happen.”

Another step back.

“I’ll get out of your way now, so you can get settled and rest up” With a small wave Lexa started to turn away. “Bye, Clar-”

“Can I have your number?”

“What?” Lexa said, spinning back around.

“Your phone number. So I can call you? You turned out to be a pretty decent knight in shining armor. And I think I played the role of damsel in distress fairly well. Maybe we can do this again sometime, sans injury, god willing,” Clarke said, voice low but hopeful, complete with a flirtatious teasing grin. At least that’s what Lexa’s rapidly misfiring brain was interpreting it as.

Lexa could only stare at her blankly for a beat.

“I don’t have a phone.”

“What? Wait... what? How could you possibly not have a phone?” Clarke asked, sounding bewildered.

“I don’t, I’m sorry.” Lexa said genuinely feeling remorseful that she couldn’t give the woman the one thing she had actively asked her for. Not taking a moment to consider the surreal absurdity of this conversation considering, you know, she was an angel.

Clarke blinked a few times before a look of disappointed realization settled into her features.

“Look, it’s okay to say you’re not interested, you don’t have to come up with something like that to cover for you. I’m a big girl, I can take it,” Clarke said good-naturedly.

“No!” Lexa practically shouted in the narrow hallway, startling Clarke enough to rear her head back. Quieter, Lexa continued speaking as she retraced her steps to stand in front of Clarke. “Sorry. No, I wasn’t making an excuse. I really don’t have a phone.” She started turning out the pockets of her coat and pants, wanting the physical proof to convince the woman of her sincerity. “I am… Interested, that is. I… you’re, you’re very charming and I had a nice time with you. Despite the circumstances. Please don’t think I’m not interested. Or that I don’t find you... because I do. Or that I don’t like you, becau-”

“Okay okay, it’s okay Lexa, I believe you,” Clarke chuckled and slightly waved her hand, attempting to stem the flow of increasingly desperate sounding disjointed sentences and rapid hand gestures being volleyed at her. Watching the other woman sigh in relief, Clarke asked again, “Seriously though, how can you not have a phone? Even my grandma has a phone.”

Tugging on the lobe of her ear and thinking quickly, “I never had a use for one,” Lexa stated lamely.

“How is that possible…” Clarke trailed off before biting her lip nervously. “Am I being insensitive here? Are you, I mean are you... homeless?” she said, grimacing at how intrusive and inappropriate the question sounded coming out of her mouth.

“What? No.” Lexa said confusedly, wondering how Clarke’s brilliant mind had jumped all the way down the list of possible reasons for not having a phone and landing on that. Not that she expected her to come up with something as seemingly far fetched as ‘angelic being’ for a reason but still, random.

“Oh, okay. I have no idea why my thought process went down that road but I am an idiot, so there’s that,” she said, unknowingly mirroring Lexa’s own thoughts with a self deprecating shrug, which was followed up immediately by another at the chiding look she received from Lexa at the statement. “So anyway, why no phone?”

“Honestly I never fully understood the whole phone, internet thing. It’s confusing. And just seems to steal people’s attention away from everything around them. I never really got the draw.”

Slowly nodding as she seemed to evaluate that statement, Clarke apparently ultimately decided to accept the explanation. “Weird, but fair enough... Disappointing though,” she said, flirtatious note finding its way back in her voice.

“Why?”

“Because I can’t call you,” Clarke said with a teasing grin that caused the tips of Lexa’s ears to feel a sudden wave of heat. “What will I do the next time I need you?” she finished, tucking her bottom lip between her teeth.

Lexa’s stomach gave a pleasant flip as she roughly swallowed, completely out of her depth despite the myriad of daydreams concerning this very scenario she had run through her mind over the years.

Pulling herself together enough to answer, she croaked, “You really want to see me again?”

“That’s kinda what I’ve been angling for for the last few minutes, yeah,” Clarke lightly chuckled.

Licking her lips slowly as she went back and forth over how truly bad of an idea making a date to meet with Clarke was, it was noticing the woman’s eyes drop to her mouth to follow her tongue’s movement that turned out to be a convenient deciding factor in her internal debate.

“Okay.”

“Okay? Okay what?”

“Okay, let’s meet up again, Clarke. I don’t have a phone but... maybe we could just plan something? I’d really like that,” she said, smiling at the knowledge that this was actually happening.

“Me too,” Clarke said softly, looking up at Lexa through lowered lashes. “Why don’t we meet at that bar down off Turner? Next Friday at eight?"

"Yes, I'll be there."

"I have that whole weekend off so I don’t have to worry about a shift the next day, we can just have fun and enjoy the evening.”

"Okay."

"Okay."

"Good. Great. I’ll see you there at eight,” Lexa said while turning. She paused, then turned back quickly. “Can we pretend I didn’t just rhyme?”

“Get out of here, Lexa,” Clarke chuckled, nudging her with her fingertips. With a never before seen bounce to her step, Lexa strolled down the hallway towards the elevator.

Before the doors sealed to take her down, Clarke’s laughing face popped back out of her apartment. “It’s a date, don’t be late.” With a self satisfied tongue stuck between her teeth, Clarke pulled back and closed her door again. A moment later the elevator slid shut, concealing Lexa, who was smiling like a complete and utter dope.

But as the number of floors separating them grew, the feeling of impending doom increased, causing Lexa’s stomach to churn uncomfortably. Stepping back and bracing herself on the metal railing lining the walls of the elevator, the reality of the situation hit her full force.

She, an angel, a heavenly being of virtue, had just set up a date.

With a human.

In a bar.

Chapter Text

“It’s not a date.”

Seated on the edge of a high cliff overlooking an uninterrupted expanse of rolling waves and the occasional glimpse of far off marine life, Lexa resolutely stared forward to the setting sun so as to avoid the dubious look being directed at her.

“Yeah okay, and what exactly would you call meeting a woman at a bar?” Anya scoffed.

“Friends go lots of places together.”

“You’ve spoken to her once, you’re not friends.”

“Well that’s generally how friendships develop isn’t it, Anya. Spending time together? Look at us. I can’t get you to leave me alone for the majority of my existence, I tell you things I always regret, and sometimes we laugh. Friends,” she said primly, tacking on a thick sardonic smile just to annoy her.

Dragging her fingers through her dirty blonde hair, Anya exhaled loudly, angelic patience waning. “Let’s pretend for one second that I actually believe that all you’re doing this for is friendship. Which I don’t, for the record, but just for kicks, let's say I do. What do you, the one who’s been watching this woman for years and knows exactly what her flirting looks like, think she thinks this is? If not a date?”

“Clarke is funny and kind and warm to everyone, just because she invited me to spend time with her doesn’t necessarily mean anything beyond that. She’s friendly, you’ve seen that yourself from the times you were with me around her. Uninvited, I feel like I can’t stress that particular point often enough, but still present. So, you, you’ve seen it. So... so I think she’s, she’s just... being friendly,” Lexa finished lamely, starting off strong in her defense of Clarke but losing steam with each passing sentence.

She had practiced the speech in her head several times over the last week since leaving Clarke’s apartment elevator, eventually getting herself to the point where she almost believed it herself. She wasn’t lying. Of course she wasn’t. Really she never lied unless absolutely necessary, and everything she said was true.

Sort of.

For the most part.

Because Clarke was just a naturally friendly person. She really did go out of her way to be kind and inviting to everyone she came into contact with. Though she chose to focus on a few specific close friends and keep the majority of people as a wide circle of acquaintances, Clarke was never one to shy away from extending her kindness to those around her.

But… Lexa did know what Clarke sounded like when she flirted. She had seen it in action a few times over the years when Clarke had been interested in someone, though Lexa was always quick to vacate the area whenever that particular scenario presented itself. There were certain lines she would never cross. No intimate moments with other people, no *intimate moments* by herself, and no dates. Ever. Beyond it feeling invasive and just plain gross, the thought alone of Clarke with someone else made her stomach turn. It burned deep in her chest seeing her romantically with anyone. There was no logic to it, Lexa knew that, especially considering Clarke hadn’t even known she existed. But the hollow ache filled her entire being all the same, insides feeling weathered and decayed every time she watched her favorite shade of brilliant blue be directed at another person in that way.

Still, Lexa wasn’t entirely sure this was, in fact, a date-date. She very well could have been projecting, she had nodded to herself the second the thought occurred to her. Reasoning (internally warring) with herself for the last several days had led her to the conclusion that more than likely, the pining mess that was her head and heart had made her think she had seen a glint of something that hadn’t actually been there. Obviously, after spending so long being enamored with this woman, anything beyond outright disdain would have seemed special. Yes, Clarke had said ‘date’ but there are friend dates, right? She’s pretty sure that’s a thing. Thinking it was anything more was just her rose tinted heart-eyes. She had seen what she wanted to see, that had to have been it.

But the way Clarke had bitten her lip… No. It was definitely a friend date.

“I’m surprised your eyes aren’t brown,” Anya whispered, her faux awe-inspired voice breaking Lexa out of her latest bout of logical merry-go-round.

“What?” She said, confused to the point of looking alarmed.

“Your eyes. You’re so full of crap, I’m astonished they’re not brown,” Anya said, keeping up the mocking tone, moving as though to gently caress Lexa’s temple.

“Why do I even talk to you,” Lexa grunted, batting the incoming hand away from her face. “You’re no help. I shouldn’t have told you anything.”

“Uh, excuse you. Yes, yes you should have. In no way, shape, or form are you prepared to handle this. Because despite whatever you’ve convinced yourself of, you definitely scheduled a date with a human at a bar. Alexandria, we can’t drink alcohol. I mean that’s minor compared to the fact that we’re not supposed to show ourselves to people outside of our duties, but still a pretty decent sized wrench in this whole debacle.”

“So I’ll drink water. People don’t drink alcohol in bars all the time. Next issue.”

“Okay, how about when she wants to dance?”

“Then I dance?” she replied as though Anya had lost her mind.

“That, I would give up my wings to see.”

“We don’t have wings on this plane of existence,” Lexa said with an eye roll.

“Alright Miss Literal, what about when she wants to take you home and have her worldly way with you?”

That… that one had the air escaping Lexa’s lungs. But only for a second before she rallied.

“That’s not going to happen. Because this isn’t a date. We’re friends. Or going to be friends,” Lexa rushed to continue, preempting whatever Anya had opened her mouth to say. “It’s going to be fine.”

After the snarky response she had anticipated never materialized, against her better judgement, Lexa looked to her right at her companion. Sad searching eyes met her own.

“How is any of this going to be fine?” Anya softly asked. Seeing Lexa swallow deeply, she continued gently, “Do you honestly think this can end well for you? Or her? Alexandria, I know you. You love with your whole heart, and you’ve loved her for years. How can you getting closer and more attached to her end ‘fine’?”

Turning her gaze back out to the shimmering water, Lexa collected every ounce of strength to steady her voice before replying, “I don’t know. But I’m doing it anyway.”

Exhaling softly, Anya pulled her legs back from where they dangled over the cliff’s edge and stood, sliding her hands into her pockets. Voice laced with an ill-disguised attempt to lighten the mood, Anya nudged Lexa’s hip with her boot. “I remember when I thought you were boring.”

Appreciating the change of direction of the conversation, and knowing Anya had somewhere to be, Lexa turned to offer a small smile to her friend. “Thank you for listening Anya. I love you, ya know.”

“Egh, enough. Wrong blonde,” Anya grimaced, thumping a knuckle on the top of Lexa’s head before turning and walking away. Right before shifting to where her next appointment was calling her, she yelled a final, “Good luck on your date!” and disappeared.

“It’s not a date!” Lexa shouted back to no one.

 

/////////////////////

 

It was definitely a date.

Lexa figured that out approximately four seconds after walking into the dimly lit bar. Exactly two steps and one brief scan across the expanse of the room, her eyes landed on a familiar figure perched on the edge of a barstool, one hand anxiously fiddling with the straw of a drink, the other smoothing out non-existent wrinkles of a red dress.

A very curve hugging, mid thigh length red dress.

Taking a deep, fortifying inhale Lexa moved toward Clarke, finally being spotted by the woman when she was only a few steps away. Watching the smile explode across Clarke’s face caused her insides to pleasantly squirm.

“Lexa, you made it!” the beaming woman said. “You look… The exact same,” she ended with a bemused laugh.

Feeling her cheeks rapidly heat from the blush spreading up to her ears, Lexa stuttered, “Oh uh, yeah, sorry. Limited clothing options. It’s a… a thing.”

Smooth.

She hadn’t even considered what she had on was the exact same outfit she had been wearing when they had officially met for the first time. It was the same thing she wore everyday, that was just how it worked.

“Well, that’s… how very ‘Men In Black’ of you,” Clarke chuckled, seeming to choose to just roll with it. “It doesn’t matter, you look great. I went a little overboard anyway. I couldn’t decide between this and a more low-key sundress but I thought, ‘Fuck it, you’re going out on a date with a really hot woman tonight, just go for it.’ Tsk, should’ve listened to my first instinct.”

Brain momentarily paralyzed by the smokey eyed, dangerously low collared, gently curly haired blonde bombshell standing in front of her, it took a few seconds for Lexa to fully register her words and the chagrin expression on the woman’s face. Realizing Clarke was probably embarrassed at seeming overeager for their, now confirmed, date-date, Lexa jolted back to reality to fix this rapid downward spiral to the beginning of their evening.

The date-date part she’d scream in joy and terror over later.

“No, please don’t think that. You, you look amazing, Clarke. I just always wear this. It’s probably weird. N-no. Actually I know it’s weird. But it’s just kind of our thing. MY. My thing.”

She could literally hear her inner Anya quietly seething, ‘What is wrong with you?’

“Anyway,” she hurried to continue, “you though, you look… I mean. Look at you. You’re gorgeous. That dress is perfect, not overboard at all. And your hair looks amazing,” ‘reel it in Lexa, reeeeel it back in’, “but you know that, I’m sure. So. Don’t worry about any of that. You look great.”

Thoroughly horrified with herself and confident that she was the color of a tomato, Lexa finally let her eyes settle on Clarke’s own from where they had been pinging between the woman’s dress, hair, and random focal points around the bar. She’s looked somewhat shocked, yet delightedly amused.

“You’re cute. And very sweet,” Clarke softly hummed. “Strange, but very sweet.”

“Try to focus on the cute,” Lexa murmured to her shoes.

Clarke snorted in response, “Oh I am,” before angling back towards the bar. “So cutie, what can I get you?”

Feeling a fresh wave of nerves wash over her, Lexa tried to sound as unaffected as possible. “Just a water is good.”

Clarke whipped her head back around, looking dumbstruck. “Water?”

Starting to shift on her feet, Lexa confidently nodded, “Please.”

“You don’t drink, do you?” Clarke asked slowly, turning back around as she lowered her arm from where she had been trying to catch the attention of the bartender. Following Lexa’s slight shake of her head, she leaned back against the bar rail and noisily exhaled through loose lips. “Good job, Doctor Griffin,” she muttered to herself before seeming to rebound and look back up at Lexa, a slight twist to her pink lips. “I had no idea, and I’m embarrassed now. We could go someplace else if you’d be more comfortable?”

“Please don’t do that, don’t get down on yourself, you have nothing to feel embarrassed about,” Lexa said, bravely reaching out and taking Clarke’s hand in her own, hoping it offered the woman comfort and showed her sincerity. “I’m not uncomfortable. I like music, and people,” she trailed off lamely for a split second, not really sure where she had intended to go with that, before squaring her shoulders and carrying on, “I’m good here, with you. I honestly don’t care where we are, Clarke. I just want to spend some time with you. You get your drink, whatever you want, I’ll have a water, and then we can enjoy our evening.”

Smile firmly back on her face, Clarke tugged on Lexa’s hand causing her to take a step forward. “I kinda like it when you’re bossy,” she whispered, before smirking as she took in the flush creeping across the apples of Lexa’s cheeks. “But don’t get any ideas,” she added with a wink and a final squeeze of fingers, “I can be bossy too. So why don’t you go find us a table while I get our drinks.”

Rapidly nodding like an idiot, Lexa gently let go of Clarke’s hand to instead grab the jacket she knew was the woman’s from... well, everything, and turned to search the various tables for open seats. Spotting a small round high-top table with two unclaimed chairs off to the side and away from the speakers pumping out sound that Lexa wasn’t wholeheartedly convinced was music, she beelined to the free space and gracelessly plopped herself down on to the low-backed stool as she tried to calm her nerves.

“That was hard to watch.”

Barely managing not to release a startled scream, Lexa clutched the edge of the table before slowly swiveling her head to the previously unoccupied chair to her left.

“What are you doooing here, Anya?” she said slowly, tone somewhere between anger and abject horror.

“Checking in on my friend, Alexandria. Duh. How did you not feel my presence in the room?”

“I’m kind of focused on other things right now. Speaking of which, can you, I don’t know, leave?” she bit out. “Before she thinks I’m an insane person talking to myself?”

“All things considered that might be the safest conclusion she can come to from all of this,” Anya replied with a dismissive shrug.

“Go away,” Lexa breathed.

“It might end up being the only conclusion when you think about it. I mean, what is she going to think when inevitably you have to come out with ‘Hey, by the way, I’m an angel. Just, FYI,’” Anya laughed to herself before being cut off by a sharp gasp from Lexa.

“She’s coming over. Please, Anya. Please, go. I’ll talk to you later. I promise,” she begged, trying to convey her intense desperation through barely moving lips.

Sobering herself by releasing a long suffering sigh, Anya gave her an unreadable look and muttered quietly, “Be careful, Alexandria,” then vanished, only to immediately be replaced by Clarke.

“Your water madam,” she brightly chirped, softly setting the tall thin glass in front of Lexa. “I hope you don’t mind, I went ahead and made it a lemon water. I don’t know, it just felt fancier than plain ice water… Are you ok?”

Realizing she must look flustered from the highly unwelcome intrusion by her friend, Lexa plastered what she hoped was a genuine enough smile on her face. “I’m great, thank you for the drink. It’s perfect.”

“Don’t mention it,” Clarke smirked and rolled her eyes, “I mean compared to my nine dollar cocktail? You’re a cheap date.” The teasing tone and tip of tongue poking out from between pearly whites had Lexa bashfully grinning like a fool.

///////////////////////

 

“So how did you decide on Pediatrics? I mean if you started out in Trauma, what made you change directions?”

It had been close to two hours since they first sat down, not that either would’ve known. Second round of drinks long gone warm and forgotten, the women had covered a variety of topics. Well, more like Lexa had asked Clarke about any and every topic she could think of to keep the beautiful woman talking. She loved listening to her voice. Seeing her face light up as she talked about anything she thought exciting or interesting, noticing how Clarke’s eyes would get a mischievous glint right before she delivered a particularly corny joke, how her lips curled to the right when Lexa managed to pull herself out of her love induced haze to say something charming? It was all more than anything Lexa had ever imagined it could be.

“Oh, well,” Clarke huffed, sitting slightly back in her seat, “I don’t know if you want to hear that actually. It’s a little depressing. More than a little.”

Despite seeing the scrunched up nose and pursed lips Lexa persisted, “No, really. I want to know. I like hearing about you and… everything. Go ahead. I’m a big girl, I can take it,” she delivered with a cheeky grin.

Catching the reference to their first meeting, Clarke relented with a smile.

“Okay. So yes, at first I thought Trauma was what I wanted to do. My mom being the head of the ER back where I grew up, it just seemed inevitable when I decided on medicine that I’d follow her. But then one day there was this kid, a little girl, her name was Holly- can you tell it stuck with me?” she interrupted herself with a shake of her head before continuing. “Anyway, her name was Holly, she was six almost seven, this rail skinny little thing, and they rushed her in with severe bleeding in the brain and chest cavity.”

Lexa leaned forward, resting her chin on her fist, completely enamored as the woman mentally went into full doctor mode.

“I wasn’t really paying attention to what transport was saying beyond her injuries because I was so focused on this, you know, this tiny person who needed help. Bruises and lumps and cuts everywhere and she’s non-responsive. It was horrifying. That was my focus in the moment. But as I’m messing with the kit for the thoraco-... well in layman's terms it’s this tube you put in the chest to drain blood or fluid or whatever,” pausing until Lexa nodded that she understood, “and as I’m doing that I catch the words, ‘They have her father in custody and Social Services is on the way over with her mom’... And I just froze. I completely froze.”

“Why?” Lexa whispered, hanging onto every word.

“... Honestly?”

Lexa nodded again.

“I was so… angry. When I heard that and I realized her own father had done this to her? I was so angry, Lexa. To think that someone could do this to a child. To their own child. To any child. It was like, in the span of what was probably only a couple of seconds I ran through how scared she must have been. And the pain she must have felt before she lost con-” she cut off with a hitched breath, eyes glazed over with unshed tears.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m sorry, you don’t have to keep going.” Lexa reached a hand across the table to rest on top of Clarke’s. Because she knew what Clarke had felt in that moment. Her kind might have been gifted with the ability to separate their feelings from their duties, to mute their most visceral emotional responses to such acts committed by humans, but the pain was always there.

Clarke flipped her hand over and laced their fingers together, not knowing how the small act somehow managed to make Lexa’s heart pound even harder. “No, it’s okay. I’m sorry for getting incredibly emo on our date,” she chuckled, pulling herself back together. “Although I did warn you it was depressing as hell. So, yeah, long story short, I was pissed. And that evening, after a nice long cry, I decided kids were it for me. I wanted to be one of the ones who took a sick or hurt kid and made it better. I wanted to make them feel safe and taken care of. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all rainbows and smiles with cute missing teeth. But when it is… it’s worth it.”

Knowing she was staring at the woman like she had personally hung every single star in the sky, Lexa could only think to ask, “Did she survive?” before immediately regretting opening her mouth.

‘In. Side. Thoughts. Lexa.’

Thankfully however, Clarke smugly replied, “Fuck yeah she did,” raising her chin triumphantly into the air while Lexa internally exhaled a sigh of relief. “I checked on her every single day, I know I had to have annoyed the doctor in charge of her case beyond belief but I really didn’t care. Still don’t. The feeling getting to watch her recover and then finally walk out of there? It was amazing. So, yeah. I switched, and never looked back.”

Lexa couldn’t help but gently shake her head side to side, eyes roaming every feature of Clarke’s face.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“How am I looking at you?”

“I don’t know,” Clarke said, shy and embarrassed and but still smiling.

“Sorry, I can’t really help it. You’re kind of amazing, Clarke.”

“No I’m not, stop it,” she laughed.

“You save little kids, I think you’ve earned the right to be called amazing.”

“Yeah, well, I sass the hell out of the moody, obnoxious teenagers so don’t think I’m some angel or anything.”

That was enough to have Lexa feeling like a bucket of ice had been dumped on her head.

Guilty and slightly unsettled by Clarke’s choice of words, Lexa cleared her throat as she leaned back, gently detangling their hands. “Well I think it’s pretty amazing at least, you should as well. It’s okay to be proud of yourself. You’re beautiful when you’re proud of yourself.”

“Alright, now you’re just trying to butter me up,” seeing Lexa’s furrowed brow and mouth opening to defend her motivations, Clarke leaned across the small table and pressed a light kiss to Lexa’s cheek, “and it’s working. But on that note, I think this is a good time to go get more drinks. Keep an eye on my stuff, hot stuff.”

Watching the woman walk in the direction of the bar, knowing her hips swayed slightly exaggeratedly for her own viewing pleasure, Lexa felt for the first time that there was no arguing it anymore.

She was in deep trouble.

This was bad. Not because she wasn’t having a good time. In reality this was the best night of her existence so far, and that was saying a lot. This was bad because Clarke seemed to like her just as much as she liked Clarke. Well not just as much, obviously she had more than a bit of a head start in the feelings department, but she seemed to really like Lexa. The kiss on the cheek had made her ears burn and chest feel like it was going to explode with light, but also caused her stomach to plummet to her knees.

This wasn’t the plan.

Not that she had a plan, per se, but she had honestly thought that they would spend time together and Clarke wouldn’t be interested. Not in that way. Clarke was so smart and funny and kind, it never occurred to her that any attraction on the other woman’s part would persist past the first hour. She had resolutely nodded herself into believing that though it may have started as a date, surely by the end Clarke would see how unimpressive Lexa was (beyond the whole angel thing, which she wouldn’t even know about so that was a moot point anyway) and relegate her to friend status.

Only that was not at all what was happening. And Lexa didn’t know what to do. She knew she should stop it, make an excuse and go. Leave Clarke there in the bar, put out and a little hurt, but emotionally safer than the alternative. She knew she should cut this off now and never see her again.

But she didn’t want to.

She liked the feeling of Clarke’s eyes on her. She liked how it felt to see her smile and know she was the cause of it. It scared her and thrilled her and made her feel even more lost than she felt before ever speaking to the woman but for every ounce of power her station in the universe held, she couldn’t make herself go.

Lexa was so caught up in her conflicting thoughts she didn’t notice Clarke had returned and was standing right next to her, saving her from her downward spiral with an apologetic face.

“Ugh, I’m empty handed. The line is crazy right now so I’ll wait a few minutes. But you know, it occurred to me while I was gone, we haven’t danced once since we got here.”

“Oh, uh, but your ankle? I assumed it’d still be too sore.” More like she'd desperately hoped, despite her feigned nonchalance to Anya regarding the possibility.

“Nope, I’m good. Steady diet of ibuprofen, ice, heat, and elevation and I’m good to go. C’mon. Not that I don’t love talking to you,” Clarke said as she leaned sideways on the table with an evil smile, “but I wanna see your moves, hot stuff.”

////////////////////////

 

“You gotta loosen up,” Clarke laughed as she swayed her hips to the beat.

Lexa tried to mimic the woman’s movements in front of her but… it was a mess. And she knew it. She sent up a silent thanks that Anya had vacated the premises long before Clarke had dragged her out onto the dance floor. “I’m sorry, I’m not used to dancing to this kind of music.”

“What kind are you used to dancing to?”

“.... Classical, I guess. Instruments,” she answered honestly, not ashamed of her love of moving to Mozart’s peppier numbers. She liked some modern music as well but this, whatever this ungse ungse ungse sounding stuff was, was not included.

“Classical? Like ballet?”

To which Lexa snorted, “No, nothing like that. I’m not a ballerina, Clarke.”

“Shame, you’d look good in tights.” With a wink, Clarke moved in closer, causing Lexa’s lungs to promptly freeze. “Here,” she said, sliding her hands around the curve of Lexa’s hips, lightly pulling her into her body and cradling her hips flush against her own, “just move with me.”

Lexa, head spinning from her whispered words and breath becoming quietly labored from how close Clarke was to her, rested her hands on the woman’s shoulders to anchor herself in the sway of their bodies. After a few minutes, when she felt more steady and sure of ability to match Clarke’s movements, Lexa tentatively slipped her hands further around her shoulders, unintentionally (she told herself) slipping her hands into the soft curls above Clarke’s neck.

“I like that, do that again,” Clarke slightly moaned, closing her eyes and tilting her head back in encouragement. Unable to deny the request, Lexa pulled her hands back before tenderly sifting fingers through silky strands with more purpose. Feeling a shutter pass through Clarke’s body, Lexa looked up from where her hands were caressing and massaging soft skin and satiny hair to lock eyes with a shade of dark blue she'd never seen before.

“God, you’re even more beautiful up close… Hey, I’m serious,” Clarke said with a smile, bringing her hand up to tip Lexa’s face forward from where she had looked away in embarrassment. “I don’t just mean your looks. I have to be honest though, those are definitely ‘wow’ worthy. I mean, your face? What the hell?” she laughed lightly. “But really it’s, it’s everything. Talking to you and being around you, I feel so. I can’t really explain it.”

“I feel it too,” Lexa hurried to reassure her.

She hadn’t realized their movements had slowed considerably, practically stopped moving, until Clarke slid her hand from Lexa’s chin down to her chest, coming to rest on the collar of her coat, other still firmly planted on Lexa’s hip. But the soft smile slowly slipped from Clarke’s mouth as she started to move forward, eyes now focused solely on lips, and the reality of the situation came crashing down on Lexa once again. Swallowing painfully, Lexa removed her hands from around Clarke’s neck and took a half step back. Realizing Lexa had moved away, Clarke jolted back, snapping her hands back to her sides, a look of embarrassed confusion on her face.

“My mouth is really dry.”

Clarke’s look of embarrassed confusion shifted to utter befuddlement at the words. “What?”

“I’m sorry, I-I’m really thirsty.” It was true, both in how Lexa’s mouth had lost every drop of moisture the second Clarke had moaned and in how badly she had wanted to kiss the gorgeous woman before she pulled away.

“Are you serious?” she asked, seeming to become slightly irritated but still mostly just utterly confused as to what exactly had happened to cause Lexa to pull away from the moment.

“With all the dancing and the talking and, and everything… I think I need some water. And the bar looks less full.”

Blinking rapidly, Clarke took a second to process the last few minutes before nodding slowly. “Okay…” she trailed off, mind still firmly rooted in the camp of ‘the fuck just happened?’

Deciding she needed to salvage this in any way she possibly could, Lexa reached forward and took Clarke’s hand, immediately lacing their fingers together. “Come on. It’s been awhile since either of us had anything to drink.”

Walking toward the now much emptier bar area, a clueless Clarke trailed behind her by their linked hands.

/////////////////////////

 

Standing next to Clarke as they waited in line at the bar was... awkward. To say the least. Lexa knew she had messed up, badly. In the moment it felt like the right thing to do, but now she wasn’t so sure.

Scratch that, she knew it was the wrong thing to do. More than just her own feelings of stupidity and self ridicule for being a complete chicken the second she was presented with the opportunity to do something she had dreamed about for years, the look on Clarke’s face alone had her insides roiling. Clarke still looked confused, but now her face was tinged with regret and self-consciousness, and Lexa had put it there.

She wanted to jump off her favorite cliff.

After berating herself silently for a few minutes, Lexa gathered all of her remaining courage and turned to Clarke, tugging on their still clasped hands to get her attention until she was facing her as well.

“I’m sorry,” Clarke stammered out, beating Lexa to the punch and launching into an apology she had obviously been constructing in her head during Lexa’s self-berating silence. “I completely misread this entire situation. I didn’t mean to make you feel pressured or, or like you had to do anything. Thinking back, I may have assumed this was something that it is not. I know you said, in the hallway you said you were interested and that I’m… well you didn’t really specify either things so, again I just assumed I knew what you meant. But I obviously did not, and now I put you in a really hard spot. And so, I’m sorry. Really Lexa, I’m so sorry. I never meant to make you uncomfor-.”

She was still talking as Lexa gently wrapped her free hand around the back of Clarke’s neck and drew her forward, resting her forehead against her own, fingers lightly scratching at the back of her neck in an attempt to calm the woman. Lexa then let go of Clarke’s hand, instead moving to cup Clarke’s jaw, feeling smaller hands instinctually come to rest on the swell of her own hips.

“Shhhh,” Lexa exhaled to cut her off, “stop.”

“But you-”

“I know, I know. But not because of anything you just said. I’m sorry I made you think and feel any of that.” Lexa pulled her head back just enough to look into Clarke’s eyes, hating the uncertainty she saw swirling in their depths. She moved the hand on Clarke’s jaw to join the one softly carding through the silky hair on her neck. “To clear up any confusion, I do like you, Clarke. I am very attracted to you. This is a date, and I did want to kiss you... I just got scared. I am scared.” Though she felt a little sick at the amount of truth she was admitting, not only to Clarke but to herself, she knew it was the only way for the woman to not doubt everything between them.

Clarke’s eyes seem to trace every feature on Lexa’s face, looking for any signs of deception or hesitation. Finding none, her entire body seemed to relax as she slid her hands more securely around Lexa’s waist and nodded understandingly. “It’s okay to be scared. Hell, I’m kinda scared. I really can’t think of the last time I felt a connection like this, much less after one date. I mean I’ve dated a few people over the last couple of years,” stopping to laugh at Lexa’s playful scowl, “uh uh, none of that.”

She reached up to tap a finger on the downturned lip Lexa had jutted out at the mention of Clarke’s past suiters, causing the pout to slide back into a grin. Before she pulled away, Lexa pursed her lips enough to leave a small kiss on the fingertip, heart beating wildly at her own boldness.

“Those are gonna be trouble,” Clarke murmured to herself, before wrapping her arm around Lexa’s hips once more. “As I was saying, pouty, I've dated a few people in the last couple of years. Some of them I liked a lot... but this? This fast? No. I haven’t felt it either, so it’s okay to be scared. Just talk to me, alright? If I’m going too fast, or you’re not ready for something, please let me know. Before pulling away completely. And giving me a complex,” she finished with a wry smile.

“I promise,” Lexa swore, an answering smile pulling at her lips while she stared into her favorite shade of dazzling blue. She felt much more secure in her decision to pull away earlier. Yes, it had been the result of her own fear, but now she knew it was the right choice. Though Clarke felt a connection with her, she hadn’t had the time to really evaluate what was happening. Lexa barely knew what she was doing in this but still, Clarke knew even less and so she felt better knowing the woman would have time to reflect on the evening and the time they spent together as well her feelings about Lexa before having done anything.

“Thank you. Communication is very sexy,” Clarke joked, squeezing her arms around Lexa’s waist.

“I promise, but you have to as well, Clarke. I want to know how you feel in this too.”

“Okay, I promise as well.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

“That’s really sweet, would you like to order something now?” the bartender said in a decidedly flat tone, breaking the special moment.

Clarke scoffed as she rolled her eyes to the ceiling before she slid her hands off Lexa’s hips to turn toward the woman with impeccable customer service and place their orders.

//////////////////////////

 

The very thing Lexa had been dreading, and had been doing a pretty decent job of avoiding since first sitting down with Clarke at the small table, finally surfaced shortly after they retook their seats, fresh drinks in hand.

“So, tell me about yourself. Though I am oh so incredibly interesting, I’ve talked your ear off all night.”

This was where everything was going to fall apart, Lexa just knew it. Because the reality of her situation is that she didn’t lie. Not explicitly, if she could help it. She nudged the truth from side to side, slip a slope of half truths and present opinions as experience, but outright lying? Not really her forte. So naturally, she decided the best course of avoidance was a steadfast defense.

“But I like hearing about you,” she smirked, lightly knocking the leg of Clarke’s chair with the toe of her boot.

“While that is a relief, I wanna know about you too,” Clarke leaned forward, arms folded neatly on the table with an expectant smile on her face.

“But I’m boring, Clarke,” Lexa nearly whined.

“Lay it on me, hot stuff,” she said with a wiggle of her brow.

So much for that strong defense.

“Well what would you like to know?”

“Anything, everything. Your normal first date stuff if that makes you more comfortable.”

Lexa could almost hear Anya laughing at her in her head. Why it hadn’t occurred to her to think of things to say about herself to Clarke in the week between making these plans and now, she did not know. Though she felt the flashing neon sign blinking ‘Good Job, Einstein’ in her brain was a solid clue. Grasping for anything that sounded remotely believable, she started spouting out the first random things that came to mind.

“Let’s see, I’m from up north. Really high altitude kinda place, but I don’t visit there anymore. Ever, really. When I moved here for work I kind of committed myself to staying here. Unless I get relocated. But that doesn’t really happen.” Realizing she was going down a rabbit hole of possible questions that she did not want to provide answers for, she quickly shifted gears. “Oh! I love books. I read a lot sometimes, actually. And movies, I love movies. All different kinds. They’re fascinating, thinking that someone acted that out and then they can put it on a screen and you can relive a moment in time over and over again? That blew me away. Same with music. Knowing that you can listen to sounds or voices of people long gone from the earth is just, that’s really something.”

Finally stopping long enough to take a breath, she noticed Clarke was looking at her with an amused but mildly mystified grin. Immediately her stomach lurched and her face flared red, self conscious of her rambling appreciation of human inventions and the possibility that she couldn’t have sounded more like an absolute nutcase.

“What? Was that… too much?”

“No, not at all. Not what I anticipated, but not too much. So, you don’t like the mountains but do love books, movies, and music. I gotta say, you being easily impressed bodes well for me,” Clarke cheeked, taking a sip of her drink.

“You’re very impressive, Clarke. You know that,” she huffed.

“Stop trying to flatter me.”

“Stop fishing for compliments.”

Clarke gasped with a laugh, clutching her chest in mock hurt, mouth opened wide and eyes lit up. “The sass,” she fondly shook her head at Lexa, before lowering her hand back to the table. “You better watch it, Lexa, I might just ask you on a second date.”

Swallowing suddenly at the turn the conversation had taken, Lexa sobered from her own laughter enough to timidly ask, “You want to go out with me again?”

“Let’s see how the rest of the date goes, but… yeah, I’m pretty sure I really really do.”

Though terrified and unsure of every decision she was making this evening, Lexa couldn’t stop the brilliant smile from stretching across her face.

////////////////////////////

 

“Thank you for walking me home, that was very sweet, I’m not used to having company on my evening walks.”

Lexa couldn’t help but laugh to herself, thinking of the hundreds of nights she spent strolling silently beside Clarke, enjoying the evening air and simple company. From that first collision of duties that December night in the community general NICU, barring any appointments that kept her away, Clarke hadn’t walked home alone a single step. And she never would if Lexa had her way. But it wasn’t exactly like she could say that.

“Anytime, I enjoyed it honestly. You live in a lovely neighborhood,” she smiled instead. They had just arrived at Clarke’s apartment door, number 36 prominently displayed in bright brass angular numbers, above a peephole and more weathered looking door knocker. Lexa thought the brass contrasted nicely with the soft black of the doors paint, matching it’s four identical companions lining the hall. It was an odd apartment complex, offbeat with its decor and styling and artwork. But that was all the more reason she felt it fit this passionate enigma of a doctor, who saved tiny lives and cursed like a sailor, standing in front of her.

“I assumed you live nearby since you were out walking that night?” Clarke asked slightly confused.

“Oh, uh, no. Just out for an evening stroll and enjoying the stars, what you can see of them anyway. You were a lucky accident. But I like this neighborhood. It’s… eclectic,” Lexa looped around that topic change.

“Yeah we’re a weird bunch around here, but it’s nice. Pretty quiet... except during the 4th. Then it gets stupid and the resident MD gets the pleasure of patching up random fireworks and grill burns, but it’s still a good time.”

Lexa remembered how the fireworks exploding overhead shimmered in Clarke’s eyes last year.

“Anyway, I had a great time tonight. I can’t think of the last time I laughed so much. Or almost had a breakdown due to embarrassment. Especially all in one evening,” Clarke said, softening her words by stepping closer to Lexa and bringing their linked hands up to her mouth to gently kiss the angel’s knuckles.

Fighting for oxygen in that moment, Lexa could only croaked a meager, “Me too. I had a great time too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes,” she said, breathing easier, “thank you for everything. Spending time with me and letting me get to know you. It was kind of wonderful.”

“You’re kind of wonderful,” Clarke said seriously, no teasing undertone to be heard.

Taking a steadying breath and deciding she was just going to go for it, Lexa licked her lips and steeled her resolve.

“Can I hug you?” she asked with bated breath as Clarke seemed to melt a little into herself and smile, before feeling a hand reach up and tuck a few brown hairs behind her ear.

“Consider this your okay to hug me whenever you want, Lexa,” she said as she slipped her arms around the slightly taller woman’s shoulders to draw her in. Instinctually, Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke’s waist, digging her fingers into the fabric of her coat, pulling her flush against her own body. Feeling all of their curves and angles and plains lock into place set Lexa’s head spinning. Even through layers of clothing and coats it felt as though every inch of herself had been made to fit perfectly within Clarke’s strong and steady arms. Determined to wring every last feeling out of this experience Lexa turned her head, inhaling deeply everything that was Clarke’s scent.

She smelled of cliff tops and sunshine and cool fall breezes. At least to Lexa she did.

Feeling the way Clarke shuddered in her arms, Lexa couldn’t stop herself from leaning into the woman’s neck to gently press her lips to the soft skin she found. The quiet ghost of a moan made the angel feel drunk despite never having tasted a drop of alcohol.

But nothing that perfect could last, Lexa knew that. So when the familiar twinge of being called began to reverberate in her chest, she gradually started to pull away. Not being able to move to far due to Clarke locking her wrists behind Lexa’s head, she was only able to draw back far enough to look clearly at Clarke without being cross eyed.

“I want to see you again. But I want it to be just us. How about… Tuesday night? I’m off the next day and I’ll have been able to sleep from my shifts. What do you say, stud,” she turned impish, “wanna come over? I’ll cook for you, we can watch movies? Keep getting to know each other?” she finished, bottom lip tucked firmly between her teeth.

Mind completely wiped clean from pink lips, blue eyes, and an alluring grin, Lexa didn’t think twice before agreeing. “Yes, I’d love to.”

“Anything in particular you want to eat?” she asked, wagging her brow, though the admittedly cringe worthy joke’s double meaning was lost on Lexa, whose brain was still stalled on neck kisses and hugs and requests to see her again.

“I’m not picky, whatever you have is fine. I’m just excited to spend time with you.”

Mischievous look relaxing into a genuine look of besotted adoration, Clarke just nodded. “I think I can handle that… how about movies? I have the usual streaming stuff but if you want to see anything special?”

“No, just you.”

“Sweet talker. So you’re sure there’s nothing you’re allergic to?”

Knowing she only had a few minutes before she absolutely had to leave, Lexa rested her head against Clarke’s for the second time tonight and chuckled. “Clarke.”

“Sorry,” she said, not sounding sorry in the least bit. “If you can’t tell I’m doing an exceedingly good job of stretching this out. I don’t really want tonight to end.”

“Me neither, but it’s getting late and I do have to go. But I’ll be here Tuesday night. Eight o’clock again?” she asked, already knowing the answer.

“Perfect.”

“Okay, I’ll be here,” Lexa said with a soft smile, knowing it was time to say goodnight. As she started to step away, however, Clarke instead pulled her forward, supple lips landing at the very edge of Lexa’s mouth in a gentle kiss. Lexa’s heart felt like it was exploding at the feeling of soft lips so close to her own, stomach doing somersaults and cheeks burning so hot she was sure their glow lit up the rather dim hallway.

“Night, Lex,” Clarke whispered against her skin, before drawing away and stepping into her apartment. Lexa watched in a frozen daze as she shot her a small smirk before finally shutting the door behind her. She stood, staring at the space Clarke had previously been, jaw hanging open and fingers pressed to where she could still feel the phantom warmth of Clarke’s breath against her skin. A dog barking in the apartment two doors over finally broke the spell she had been under, causing her to startle and drop her hand away from her face, blinking several times to clear her mind. Feeling the tingle strengthen, knowing she was needed elsewhere in the city, she took a final moment to steady herself and nodded.

“Goodnight, Clarke,” she breathed to no one.

Chapter Text

Lexa was starting to get extremely angry.

So angry she was roughly gripping the metal of the bus stop bench beneath her to the point her knuckles turned white.

“Anya, for the last time, stop.”

“No. What were you thinking? How could you have said yes to that? Do you understand how bad this is?” Anya fumed. “I entertained it at first because, to be completely honest, I thought you’d make a fool of yourself and then you’d figure it out. I thought you’d realize, ‘Wow, this was a terrible idea. I can’t have a human falling for me because that would be a disaster.’ But no, you’re going on a second date.”

“Anya,” she tried again. This had been going on for days. Since the morning after her fateful date-date, and after Anya had metaphorically backed Lexa into a corner over what had happened, causing Lexa to eventually spill the beans on their plans to meet again, every free moment either of them had was spent like this.

Anya's increasingly vitriolic ranting blaring in her ears while Lexa clenched her jaw and tried her best to keep her temper in check.

“At. Her. House. Her house, Alexandria. Do you know why she invited you to her house?” Anya spat.

“An-.”

“‘We’re just friends, Anya. Nothing’s going to happen, Anya. She doesn’t feel that way about me, Anya.’”, her friend said in mockingly shrill voice. “Pff. Uh huh, yep. Two cheek kisses and a proposed second ‘date’ later, here we are. Brilliant. I’m surprised she didn’t try to mount you right there in her hall-”

“Enough!” Lexa seethed, sharply rounding on the angel beside her, grateful that no one around them could hear their conversation. Anya fell silent immediately, the look in Lexa's eyes letting her know she had crossed a line. “If you talk about her like that again, you and I are done. I mean that. Do you understand me?” she continued, enunciating every word with whip-like precision.

Anya could only hesitantly nod her acquiescence, anger still present but unsettled by the deathly harsh tone she had never heard from her friend before.

“Good,” Lexa said after a moment of staring into her friend’s eyes, committed to showing she had every intention of following through with that promise. Turning back around in her seat, she let her gaze settle once again on the figure framed in the window of the coffee shop across the street.

A few minutes of tense silence had passed when she felt a hand come to rest on her arm.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that… I’m just worried, but I shouldn’t have said that, or made it seem like I was blaming her,” Anya apologized. “I don’t blame her.”

“Don’t worry, I blame myself too,” Lexa bit out quietly, her voice containing far less venom than before.

“No, that’s not, I wasn’t trying to say that,” she harrumphed. “Although, yes, if there is blame to lay then it would fall on you. I’m sorry, but it’s true… Seriously, Alexandria, what are you going to do? How can you possibly keep this going?”

Lexa swallowed a wave of nausea at the question. The reality was that she didn’t know. She had no idea what she was doing or how any of this could work out without Clarke getting hurt. If she kept agreeing to dates, eventually Clarke was going to want more than what she was actually able to give.

They could never be a normal couple. Their relationship would never be able to follow the usual trajectory of falling in love and building a life together. She couldn’t live with her and grow old with her. She couldn’t come home from work to eat dinner while talking about their mundane days or cuddle on the couch watching their favorite programs late into the night. They couldn’t make love until their bodies curled and collapsed into each other, finally succumbing to mutually induced exhaustion, wrapped in each other’s arms just to wake up together and to do it all over again.

That’s not what her kind were made to do.

“I don’t know,” she whispered eventually, voice as small and hollow as she felt inside. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Feeling her friend’s despair, Anya shuffled closer to wrap an arm around Lexa’s shoulders, tipping her to lean against her own frame. “Maybe... maybe it doesn’t have to end entirely. Maybe you guys really can just be friends.”

“Yes, because that’s worked out so well thus far,” Lexa scoffed with a derisive laugh.

“No, I mean it. I don’t see why you guys can’t just see each other randomly. She could be the hot doctor you pine after but know it could never happen, you’d be the dorky weirdo who always wears the same clothes that she flirts with every Thursday at karaoke. Heck of a trope, but it could work. It could work,” she said gamely.

Despite her inner misery, the mental imagery made Lexa laugh. “You’re the actual worst.”

“Slander,” Anya flatly declared, “I’m trying to be helpful. But really, what do ya think?”

“I think,” Lexa started slowly, sadly, “if it were that easy then that’s how it would have happened from the start.”

Anya was quiet for a few moments before speaking again, tone sounding faintly apologetic. “I think... I think when this started you were so caught up in the fact that you were finally able to be real to her, and be seen by her, that you forgot why you showed yourself to begin with.”

Lexa sat back to look at her confusedly, brows furrowed in question.

“The only reason you showed yourself was to help her. But, you’re not helping her anymore. You’re helping yourself,” Anya already raising her hand to stop Lexa’s affronted retort. “I’m not attacking you. I don’t mean that in a nasty way, I mean that as in, you’re focusing more on how it would feel to be the cause of her pain in this particular moment, rather than what’s best for her in the long run.”

Lexa couldn’t argue with any of that. She knew Anya was being kind by choosing to not hammer on the aspect of Lexa’s own personal gain from allowing the situation to play out as it had, but she recognized it all the same. She couldn’t lie, she was doing this more for herself than anything. Yes, she wanted to make Clarke feel happy and safe and adored. But also, Clarke made her feel happy and safe and adored. In letting her own desires dictate her decisions, she had made a mess of everything.

“What should I do?” she asked quietly, shame and guilt overwhelming her.

“I think you already know,” Anya said, eyes filled with sympathy and understanding.

Willing her sluggish body to move despite her heart desperately begging her not to, Lexa rose from the bench and walked across the street, turning down a quiet alley and out of sight of the people on their morning commutes. Though it took her only a fraction of a second to manifest into her physical form, it took several long minutes for her to fight her inner turmoil enough to put one foot in front of the other. Stepping back out onto the sidewalk she felt the early morning rays blanket her skin, but her insides felt like ice. She hadn’t realized she had made it as far down the road as she had, head swirling with regret and guilt and heartache for what she had to do, that the rapid tapping on the window next to her actually surprised her.

Stopping dead in her tracks and looking to her left, her gaze landed on a brightly smiling Clarke. Having caught her attention, the woman moved her hand in a ‘come in’ motion and then pointed at the seat opposite her.

Painting a small smile on her face, Lexa nodded and moved to the door.

“Hey hot stuff, fancy seeing you here,” the woman said as she stood in welcome as Lexa approached her table. Clarke instantly wrapped her arms around Lexa’s shoulders and pulled her in for a hug. Lexa moved to return the embrace like is was second nature, sliding her arms around the woman’s waist and hugging her back tightly.

“I think I kinda missed you, is that weird?” Clarke spoke into the skin of Lexa’s neck, lips lightly tickling her skin and starting a fire in the angel’s chest.

“No, no it’s not weird at all. I missed you too.”

Drawing back with a smile but not letting go, Clarke preened at the words. “Good. And if it is weird then we can just be weird together,” she laughed, popping a small kiss to Lexa’s cheek before releasing her. “Sit with me. I only have,” she drawled while checking her watch, “five minutes before I have to go to be on time but, I’ll take it. Unless you have to go?”

Shaking her head and offering a soft ‘No, I’ve got time’, Lexa took the seat she usually occupied on the mornings when Anya had somewhere to be or chose not to tag along, trying to steel her resolve in the face of… well that face. And those eyes. And that ludicrous set of purple scrubs decorated with dancing elephants.

She cleared her throat to try to start herself off, but Clarke spoke up before she could form a sentence. “Hmm, lucky me that I spotted you,” she hummed before laughing lightly, “Man, you really weren’t kidding about that limited wardrobe thing. Don’t get me wrong, you look beyond good in tight black pants and a v-neck. And the coat? Very mysterious, very commanding.”

“Oh, uh, no,” she tugged on her collar, trying to ignore the flirtatious look being directed at her through lowered lashes. She felt completely thrown off track by the random topic choice, stomach turning unsettled as Anya’s joke/not-joke about this very issue rang in her ears. “I wasn’t exaggerating. This is… pretty much it.” It sounded horribly lame and she was well aware of it but between the coquettish smile Clarke was currently sending her way and trying to keep focused on exactly why she was here to begin with, her thoughts were getting a bit jumbled.

“I’m not judging, honest. Like I said, you’re rockin' it. Anyway,” Clarke breathed before, thankfully, changing the subject, “I’m glad I ran into you. Not to sound like that super clingy person but, after our amazing date, I wasn’t thrilled about having to wait so long to see you again.”

Lexa swallowed deeply, fumbling for any kind of an intelligent response.

“Yeah?”

Nailed it.

Clarke giggled lightly and leaned forward towards Lexa. “Yeah,” she said in a velvet tone, causing the hairs on Lexa’s neck to stand up. “No pressure here, because gross, but… I have not been able to stop thinking about you since Friday. And that dance,” she said, her grin impish and teasing.

“Oh?”

“What, did you not like it?”

That got Lexa’s brain moving again.

“No, I loved it," she nodded emphatically. "It was, of course I loved it. I’m sorry I’m a terrible dancer, but it was nice just being close to you. And you’re a good teacher,” she tacked on.

“Ya gotta stop apologizing, especially not for something like that. I had a great time, and despite the learning curve I’m definitely looking forward to more dances with you. I’ll teach you anything you wanna know.”

The mischievous glint and words were enough to send Lexa down a spiral of thoughts of future date possibilities and hugs and kisses and… and she had completely gone off the rails on what her mission here was supposed to be in the whopping span of five minutes.

This woman made her crazy.

As if reading her thoughts, Clarke’s watch chimed brightly, letting them know it was the time she usually left for work.

“Ah, shit. Just when we were getting to the good stuff,” she chuckled, rising from her seat and gathering her things. “Wanna walk me to work? It’s literally just around the block but, awesome excuse to hold hands. Prime hug opportunity. Maybe sneak in a cheek kiss?” she said, trying to really sell the minute incentives by exaggeratedly wagging her eyebrows like a fool. Unable to refuse this woman anything, Lexa agreed quickly and stood to follow her out the door.

Out on the street, Clarke transferred her bag to the opposite arm to free up the one closer to Lexa, immediately lacing their fingers together and set off down the sidewalk.

After a few seconds of comfortable silence, though Lexa’s brain was raging a cacophonous internal war between how thoroughly she was enjoying the moment and harshly chastising herself for completely losing the plot of this visit so fast, Clarke broke the audible quiet. “It just occurred to me, I’ve never seen you in daylight before. Granted, I’ve only seen you twice… strange, feels like more…,” she trailed off, seeming to get lost in her own thoughts for a moment before shaking her head and continuing. “But anyway, I never really noticed your hair this much. There’s so much gold in it when the sun hits. It’s beautiful.”

Thrown by the topic once again, and fully aware of the somewhat luminescent effects of sunlight on an angel’s hair, Lexa chuckled nervously. “Thank you. I hadn’t really thought much about it before, just kind of a natural thing. Your hair though,” she quickly changed gears, “I love it. It's always so… it reminds me of sunshine. All the time. Like, yellow morning sunshine filtering through frosted glass. Or at night, under the moon, it turns into gentle waves of soft light. Like a comforting sunset over the ocean.”

After a moment, she heard a wobbly, “.... Lexa?”

Turning her head to the side, she found Clarke staring at her with a look of amused fondness, lips pursed, obviously trying to hold back laughter.

“What?” she whined.

“That was the cheesiest thing I have ever heard in my life,” she finally snickered.

Feeling the blush overtake the tips of her ears, Lexa scoffed and moved to wriggle her hand out of Clarke’s hold. Instead of releasing her, Clarke increased her grip and gently tugged as she stopped walking, the abrupt shift in momentum causing Lexa to swing around directly into waiting arms. Clarke secured Lexa against her body by tightly wrapping her free arm around her waist, bringing their still joined hands up to her lips to brush an apologetic kiss to Lexa’s knuckles.

“Don’t be embarrassed, I liked it. I like your cheesiness.”

“I’m not cheesy.” Lexa grumped softly.

“Lil bit, babe. But it’s okay, it’s working for me.”

Completely unaware of how the simple term had Lexa’s heart pounding up into her throat and stomach flipping violently, she sighed and rested Lexa’s hand on her shoulder, bringing her own now freed one down to join it’s mate around soft hips. “Unfortunately, this is my stop.”

Lexa looked over her shoulder, surprised to see they had actually made it to the hospital’s front walkway without her noticing. In the few short minutes it had taken to reach their destination, she had fallen right back into the beguiling charm of the other woman, her conversation with Anya completely vacating her mind.

“Thanks for walking with me,” Clarke whispered. “I’ll be honest, I desperately want to kiss you, but I also desperately don’t want our first kiss to be outside of my place of work where all my nosey ass coworkers can see.”

Lexa snorted a laugh and nodded, “I appreciate that, that doesn’t sound very romantic.”

“No. So, I’m going to settle for a hug… and just thinking about kissing you all day,” she said in a faux serious tone.

“I applaud your self control,” Lexa drawled, rolling her eyes at the ridiculous woman in her arms.

“Thank you! Finally some recognition around here. I’m such a professiona-”

“Hey, Clarke,” a deep voice interrupted their back and forth. Turning their heads to the side and seeing who it was, Lexa was grateful Clarke hadn’t let her go at the newcomer’s arrival.

Bellamy Blake.

God, she hated that guy. Well, she didn’t hate him, per se. Just a healthy dose of dislike.

With a small dash of jealousy.

“Hey Bell. Ready to go save some lives?” she said in jazzy voice, wiggling her hips against Lexa’s and causing the angel to lose all mental function momentarily.

“I spend ninety percent of my day setting broken bones from teenagers doing stupid stuff to impress each other,” the tall, shaggy haired man scoffed, rolling his eyes and smiling at Clarke. After a moment his gaze slid from Clarke’s face down to where her arms were still firmly holding Lexa’s hips against her own, then up to the angel’s stoic expression. “Who’s your friend?”

Not noticing the way the smile had slowly started slipping from his lips, or the slight bite to his tone, Clarke tsked at herself before releasing one arm from her hold and turned them both to face the man. “Sorry, I’m rude. Bell this is... my… friend? No, lady friend?” she turned to Lexa with a wince and shaking her head, “Yikes. That was so, egh, yeah. We’re gonna talk about that later. And you’re free to berate me on how tacky I am all you want. Scouts honor.”

Mollified more by the apologetic kiss Clarke placed on her cheek and the light squeeze from the arm still laid across her lower back than her bumbling words, Lexa just lifted an eyebrow and nodded with hint of a smile on her face.

“Okay, good,” Clarke sighed in relief before rushing on, “So, take two. Bell! How are you? Awesome, I’d like to introduce you to Lexa. She’s great and extremely beautiful and vvvery forgiving,” she chirped, laying it on thick. “Lexa, this is Bellamy. Pediatric Ortho extraordinaire, self proclaimed charmer despite all evidence, and general pain in my ass. We work together on cases every now and then, but he doesn’t appreciate my true genius. You know he’s actually questioned my brilliance before? Can you believe that?” she clutched the front of Lexa’s shirt on her chest to show the extent of her wildly exaggerated insulted dismay. Lexa couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbled out of her, Clarke’s strange sense of humor being one of her favorite things about the woman.

“Always so dramatic,” Bellamy interrupted their soft giggles yet again. “Between your theatrics and those looks, I’m surprised you didn’t choose to take Hollywood by storm.”

“Damn. To think, I missed my calling as a movie star.”

“I’d definitely watch you,” he grinned.

That.

That was why Lexa hated him.

No, not hate. Severely disliked him. With a moderate amount of jealousy.

He was always doing that. The little flirtations. Even if he wasn’t particularly good at it, the man still always somehow managed to work in a comment that would piss Lexa off. Though it wasn’t out of the ordinary for people to find Clarke attractive or flirt with her, he did it constantly. It had bothered Lexa for years, not so much because of the act itself but more because he was able to do it whenever he felt like it, and she couldn’t. For two years she had had to stand and watch as he would lean in too close to whisper a joke in the doctor’s lounge, offer to rub Clarke’s shoulders after a long shift (thankfully not being taken up on it even once), insist on sitting next to her when their shared group of friendly coworkers would go out for drinks after a trying day.

And, yes okay, Clarke seemed to either not notice or not care enough to even address it. It still made Lexa want to punch him in stupid grinning face all the same.

If she could actually hurt humans, that is.

Then the thought occurred to her that though she couldn’t deck him as he blatantly (though kind of pathetically) flirted with the woman quite literally wrapped in her arms, she could finally indulge herself a little.

“Yeah,” she said, speaking up for the first time since he arrived and turning to smile mischievously at Clarke, “I could see you as a leading lady. That dress you wore on our date? You looked like you stepped right off a red carpet.”

She wondered if she had emphasized the word 'date' a smidge too hard. Then she decided she really didn’t care, delightedly taking in how Clarke blushed faintly and tucked her bottom lip between her teeth.

“I went overboard, you mean.”

“Not at all, I thought it was perfect... But even if you did, I don’t mind being seen with someone who looks like a movie star,” Lexa teased.

Rolling her eyes, Clarke chuckled lightly, gently tugging on the hem of Lexa’s shirt with her free hand. “You’re so full if it.”

“Seriously,” Lexa added, expression and tone turning genuine, “you’re so beautiful, Clarke. I can’t keep my eyes off of you.”

“Sweet talker,” Clarke murmured, fingers coming up to gently tuck a wayward brunette curl behind Lexa’s ear, hooded gaze darting from her eyes, down to her lips, and back up. How had Lexa ever entertained the idea that she could survive without those eyes looking at her like this, glowing with soft intense affection...

A throat roughly clearing broke the mutual staring fest, causing both women to jolt slightly and face Bellamy again, Lexa smugly noting his now soured expression. “We should probably head in, Clarke. Maggie text fifteen minutes ago to give me a heads up. 6-year-old skateboarder, surprise, managed to bust his femur in three places while trying to do a trick his sister taught him. Fun stuff.”

“Mmm, kids and skateboards. Super cute, but not the best idea. Coordination and all that,” she said to Lexa before turning back. “Okay, I’ll be in in a minute. Don’t start the party without me.”

“Alright, well it was nice to meet you, Lisa.”

“Lexa,” she said as politely as she could manage, knowing perfectly well he remembered her name.

“Oh, my bad. Two minutes, Clarke,” he said while walking backwards toward the doors of the building.

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Broken femur,” he called over his shoulder as he stepped inside.

“I’m gonna break your fuckin' femur, go away.”

Finally free of his presence, Clarke exhaled heavily and turned to face Lexa fully again, wrapping her free arm back around the angel. “Lord he is taxing. Anyway, where were we? Ah yes, kissing and hugging and… what?” she frowned, noticing the look on Lexa’s face.

“He’s… nice.”

Clarke snorted derisively, “I guess. I mean, he can be, but mostly he’s just a thorn in my side.”

“And he likes you.”

“Everyone likes me,” Clarke teased in a haughty tone.

“True, but he likes you like I like you,” Lexa pressed.

“Oh? And how do you like me?” she purred.

Lexa could only roll eyes while bringing her other hand up to run gentle fingers through the hair at the base of Clarke’s scalp. “He wants to be with you,” she whispered, hating herself for pushing this when she knew she had no right.

“I know,” Clarke sighed. “He has since I started here, he’s not exactly subtle. It’s kind of annoying to be honest. He actually asked me out once.”

Lexa’s eyes snapped up at her words. She hadn’t known that.

“He did?” she croaked.

“Yeah, it was like… a couple of weeks after I started here. I think. I don’t remember exactly, but I had still been settling in and was not looking for anything, at all. So I told him no, but thanks.”

“He never asked you again?”

“Nope. I think he assumed I knew he was interested so if I changed my mind I’d ask him out. And he assumed correctly,” she chuckled. “He’s nice but just, not my type.”

“What is your type?” Lexa asked timidly.

“Mmmm, well,” she seemed to seriously consider, “let’s see. Right now? My type is kinda broody... Quiet, but understatedly funny... Wears a lot of black... About 5 '7ish, greenish grey eyes, curly brown hair, gorgeous pouty lips. Great butt,” she finished, mock seriousness dissolving into laughter as Lexa scoffed and very lightly smacked the back of her head, smiling despite herself. “What? I’m being serious. Lex, listen to me. Right now, all I see is you. Okay?”

Insides melting into a molten, yet decidedly pleasant, puddle at the variation of her name as well as the sentiment behind her words, Lexa returned a quiet, “... Okay.”

“But, for the record? Not a big fan of jealousy.”

“I’m not jealous,” Lexa weakly shot back.

“Uh huh, and your patent grumpy face every time the subject of me and someone else comes up is just a... coincidence?”

Lexa could only chew the inside of her lip. She’d have to get that under control.

“Mhm. Listen, it’s a cute face, but just bare in mind that I’m focused on this,” she said, motioning in a nod to the nominal space between them, “and no one else. Yeah?”

“Yes, alright,” Lexa replied, still feeling a bit foolish about her reaction to the small exchange between colleagues.

“Good. Now, I do have to book it because technically I’m late, but fully know, all day long, I… with intense focus, will be thinking about your butt.”

“Oh geez, I’m leaving,” Lexa chortled and scoffed in exasperation, moving as if to pull away from their embrace.

“No no, wait,” Clarke laughed at her successful ploy to lighten the moment, pinning Lexa against her again. “We agreed on hugs. Hug first, please.”

Powerless against the beseeching twinkle in blue eyes, Lexa’s act crumbled as she immediately moved forward, drawing Clarke into her body and tucking her face into her neck. Without thinking, Lexa breathed as deeply as she could, running her fingers through delicate blonde strands as she gathered the addictive scent of all things Clarke. The minute feeling of soft lips pressing against the column of her throat sent a shiver down Lexa’s body.

“I really love hugging you,” Clarke whispered against her skin.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. It feels… safe. I don’t know, like I’ve done it hundreds of times before. It feels...”

“Familiar?”

“Yeah,” Clarke gently exhaled.

Lexa stayed quiet but Clarke’s words made her heart sing and ache in equal measure. She was overjoyed to know that the years she had spent offering Clarke support and comfort through small touches and invisible hugs had actually registered with the woman, even if on an unconscious level. She ached knowing the woman had no idea why she felt so familiar. It was hard at times to stomach remembering that, despite how their bond was evolving, her attachment to Clarke had to be stronger on her own side. It had to be. Still, the fact that Clarke’s affections seemed to be growing every moment they spent together had Lexa feeling (hoping) the presumed imbalance wouldn’t last.

“I can’t wait for tomorrow night,” Clarke said, going so far as to place second gentle kiss Lexa on the tender patch of skin where neck meets shoulder.

“Me too,” Lexa breathed, tightening her hold. Despite what her earlier intentions were, despite everything at play between them, she couldn’t stop this. Didn’t want to stop this, them. She knew that now. Was this inevitably going to completely blow up in her face? Probably. But somewhere between the turn of the block and here, her mind was made up that she was going to see this through. Clarke’s smiles and laughter and arms had a way of planting seeds of hope that there had to be some way everything would work out.

“Ugh, okay I have to go before I do things I regret,” Clarke declared as she pulled out of the hug abruptly, hands sliding up to smooth over Lexa’s already perfect collar instead. “Tomorrow, my place,” she said sternly, whether to herself or to her, Lexa wasn’t sure.

“I’ll be there,” she answered regardless.

With a final soft smile, Clarke used the lapels of Lexa’s coat to pull her forward, placing a lingering kiss on the edge of Lexa’s lips. “See you then, hot stuff.”

“Bye, Clarke,” she said through a shuddering breath. Clarke released her with a wink and started walking toward the doors of the hospital, stopping only for a final farewell wag of fingers before disappearing from sight.

Smiling to herself, feeling like she was floating on a cloud, Lexa slipped her hands into the deep pockets of her coat with a blissful sigh. Relishing in the euphoric feeling of ‘Clarke’, she turned around to leave, coming face to face with a glowering Anya.

Her stomach violently bottomed out, smile wiped clean from her face. The two celestial beings stood staring at each other for several silent moments.

“I couldn-,” Lexa tried to start explaining, quickly being cut off by Anya.

“Stop.”

“You don’t understand.”

“No, I don’t, and I’m not trying to.” Lexa felt unnerved by how the nonchalant cadence of Anya’s words jarringly conflicted with the look on her face. “I’m not here to yell at you.”

“Then why are you here?” she asked, already knowing she wasn’t going to like the answer.

“I’m here to tell you, I’m done. I can’t watch this happen. I am still your friend, and I care about what happens to you, and I can’t watch this anymore. You know how I feel about what you’re doing, but you’ve made it abundantly clear you’re going to do it anyway, so I’m choosing to walk away from this.”

“Anya, you don’t understand. Please, I can’t,” she stopped herself before starting again in a new direction, feeling her emotions overcoming her before gasping out, “When I’m alone, or with you, I know. I know that it can never… become anything. Not anything beyond… *this*. But when I’m with her?” shaking her head rapidly at the strain in her voice, lips pursed in a vain attempt to hold in her overwhelming emotions. Lexa felt her entire body trembling, trying to find the words to explain the feelings swelling within her. “It’s like... everything just, falls away. The doubts and fear and all the things telling me it’s a mistake, they don’t make sense anymore, because it’s her. It’s her, and her warmth and her laugh and her beautiful heart,” she pushed through the break in her voice at the word, “and I c- I can’t. The only thing that makes sense is being with her.”

By now a tear had managed to spill over her long lashes and trail down her cheek, sparkling brightly in the sunshine. She stopped talking abruptly as Anya stepped forward and gently wiped the tear from her face.

“Thank you,” she said shakily, trying to slow her rapid breathing.

“Sunlight and angel tears, it’s like a gaudy disco ball. Someone would’ve noticed,” Anya gruffed, sliding her hand back into her own pocket.

“Oh, right. Right. Well, thank you anyway,” she murmured, casting her eyes down as she sniffled, feeling silly that she thought she was being comforted in her emotional spiral.

“Look, I hear everything you’re saying, but that doesn’t change my opinion on this. And it doesn’t change everything you already know to be true. So I have to accept your decision, and rather than continuously hound you about things that you’re already aware of and choosing to ignore, I’m just gonna go,” Anya said, her expression softer now.

Lexa could only nod miserably. Anya was right. Even though it felt beyond her control, she had made her choice in this and she was going to have to deal with the consequences. While the thought of not being able to turn to her friend like she always had before made her stomach clench and roll, she couldn’t force Anya to support her in something she was thoroughly against.

“I do love you, Alexandria,” Anya added, her voice having taken on more a motherly tone of resigned disappointment, making Lexa feel both simultaneously better and worse. “I hope… I hope things go very differently than how I think they will. But if they don’t, when this is over, you can call on me. You know that, right?”

“Yeah,” Lexa said with a small wet smile.

“Okay. Good. Now, I’m going to go, I have an appointment soon. I think you do too?” Pausing long enough to acknowledge Lexa’s small nod, she continued, “‘Kay. Well, I’m going to go find a place to do my whole disappearing act. I’m surprised we haven’t freaked everybody out yet. Two exceptionally good looking women in all black, complete with long black coats standing in front of a community hospital sounds like a harbinger type situation from a trashy sci-fi novel.”

Lexa couldn’t help but breathe a laugh, knowing they probably did stick out terribly among the white coats and blue jean clad people filtering in and out around them.

Taking a moment to sober herself, Lexa felt the weight of the moment settle on her shoulders again. “I really am sorry, Anya.”

Anya didn’t respond immediately, instead taking measured breaths and directing an unreadable look at her. Eventually, without a word, she stepped forward to pull Lexa into a hug. Melting into the comforting embrace, Lexa realized how much she was going to miss her friend. Yes, a part of her was hurt that she was choosing to turn away from her in all this, but she understood.

“You know I only want what’s best for you.”

“I know,” Lexa said against the taller angel’s shoulder, soaking in the comfort while it lasted.

After a gentle clap on the back, Anya swiftly withdrew from the hug, squeezed Lexa’s shoulders once before turning and striding away. Stuck staring at her retreating form, Lexa felt terrified of what came next. Terrified that she was going to be doing this alone. Terrified of everything eventually falling apart.

//////////////////////////

 

Standing just outside of the play room on the Pediatrics floor of the community hospital, Lexa felt light for the first time since the previous morning. Only moments after gathering herself enough to move away from the spot where Anya left her, Lexa had been called to a child who required her assistance.

It had been a rough case. A pointless tragedy, beginning as a late night of alcohol and bad choices that extended into the mid-morning hours, and ending with a distraught mother sobbing on the side of a road littered with broken glass and smoking twisted steel. Holding the curious child on her hip and explaining that his mother would be okay, that he didn’t need to worry and reassuring him that she had her own angels with her right now, had left Lexa feeling emotionally spent.

She knew it would be fine, her job done and the child in safe hands, but senseless pain always affected her on a deep level.

She was only gifted a few hours of respite, using the time to sit atop her favored cliff and breathe in the salty air that had always helped to calm her stormy thoughts after such heavy tasks, before being called to another task. Not quite as devastating, but still a taxing order to fill.

A young girl, crying alone in the dingey bathroom of her middle school, silently begging for someone to save her from another day of taunts and abuse of her peers. Lexa couldn’t make it better, not in the way the girl had whimpered to any entity listening, but she did what she could. Almost an hour she spent sitting there on the ugly blue and gray tile, unseen arms wrapped gently around the girl, infusing her small frame with as much comfort, courage, and power to keep going as her abilities allowed. By the time the final lunch bell rang, and with tears having long since dried, the girl was able to lift herself up with enough will to face another day. As impotent as cases like those made her feel, seeing the girl square her shoulders before heading on to her next class gave Lexa a sliver of hope that she had made a difference.

The evening and following morning had carried on the same. She wasn’t used to handling so many appointments in such rapid succession, more accustomed to the duties of her kind being spread out among the other angels of her designation in the surrounding area. But she knew sometimes things happened. Big things and small things and batches and lulls, so in the end it didn’t matter how often she was called or when she was called, she went. But the emotional tribulations involved with her job could become wearing, and like any being, she needed something positive to keep her going. While sitting on her cliff relaxed and centered her troubled mind, being around the silliness and seemingly unending positivity of young children centered and healed her fractured heart.

Which is how she found herself standing in the hallway of the pediatric general floor, making ridiculous faces to a group of riotously giggling 4-year-olds in the brightly decorated play area.

Costia and Margery, the attendants who were in charge of overseeing designated play times, were more than used to the odd but harmless and charming stranger who visited occasionally to brighten the childrens day with jokes and faces and magic tricks even they couldn’t figure out. She didn’t bother anyone, helped clean up after art projects if she had the time, and the children absolutely adored her.

After finishing a, in her humble opinion, spectacularly stylized rendition of the entirety of ‘Let It Go’ (you can’t be friends with kids these days if you haven’t seen Frozen, she had learned that the hard way from a wide-eyed and highly scandalized 5-year-old a few years back) to the tiny group, and knowing she needed to leave so they could be laid down for their afternoon naps, Lexa felt it was a prime opportunity to show off some of her superior face making skills through the glass window on her way out. She liked to end trips on a high note. She knew her strengths.

After the patent eyes-cross-puffed-cheeks look that she particularly enjoyed watching the littlest ones try to replicate, she seamlessly moved into the classic thumbs-stretching-mouth-wide/eyes-pulled-down/tongue-stuck-out maneuver. Not for amateurs, or the faint of heart.

“Lexa?”

So startled by the sound of her name, considering she had never spoken to anyone present besides Margery, the middle aged woman in charge of overseeing the children during play time today and who was currently still in the room she had just been making herself look like an idiot in front of, Lexa snapped her head towards the voice.

Standing several feet away, staring at Lexa in all her angelic glory as she made the most ridiculous face known to the universe, was Clarke.

“What, what are you doing here?” Clarke asked, confusion and disbelief painted clearly across her features.

“Iwuth,” she bit her tongue trying to reply, realizingly to her horror that her thumbs were, in fact, still stretching her mouth wide as the entirety of her tongue hung limply from her mouth. Swiftly yanking her hands down to her sides and rapidly redistributing moisture to her now desert dry mouth, Lexa felt the blush raging up her neck and topping off her ears. “I-mlem-I um, I was just messing around. The, uh, the kids,” she said, vaguely pointing towards the window, “after lunch entertainment,” then vaguely motioning to herself.

“You, you’re visiting the kids?”

“... Yes?”

Lexa’s blush deepened the longer Clarke stared at her, every second feeling like an hour. “You just, decided you were gonna visit some sick kids? In the middle of the afternoon?”

“I, well... Yes. I did.”

“Why?”

“I do that, sometimes. When I can. And also I, when I’m having a rough day or responsibilities get to be too heavy. Kids, you know. They tend to just smile and keep going. It’s nice to make them laugh.”

Clarke continued to stare, jaw slack and brow furrowed to the point it looked painful. Lexa knew if her body actually produced sweat, her forehead and neck would be beading with perspiration to match how hot she felt under the woman’s gaze.

‘Insane, Lexa. She thinks you’re insane.’

Abruptly the door to the playroom swung open, the sound of over dramatized groaning and squeaky protests of, “But I’m not tiiired, Ms. Margery,” exploded into the previously silent hallway. One by one the children marched or were wheeled past the angel and her companion, whose eyebrows now shot clear up her forehead as each pocket sized human stopped to give a vise-like hug to their friendly visitor’s leg, or yelp a drowsy, “Bye bye Lexa!”

Distracted by doling out good natured ruffles to small heads of hair and returning shining, adorably toothless smiles, when the last small wave disappeared around the corner, Lexa was almost startled to see Clarke still standing in the same spot gaping at her.

“I, I hope this doesn’t seem strange. Or like I’m stalking your place of work. You can ask Ms. Margery or Ms. Costia, I really do visit randomly. Not as much as I’d like, but when I can. When I need to rechar-” Lexa quickly snapped her mouth shut when, without a word, Clarke deeply frowned and lurched forward from her spot to grab Lexa’s hand. Not breaking stride, she continued walking briskly down the hallway, practically dragging an alarmed Lexa behind her.

With each step, dread filled Lexa to the point she felt she might vomit. If she could vomit, of course. She knew before coming, if she got caught it would freak Clarke out. She just never expected her to get angry. Certainly not angry enough to roughly drag her like a rag doll by the wrist down one, then two hallways, before stopping in front of a large oak door bearing a small metal plaque that read “Clarke Griffin, M.D. Pediatrics”. She dropped Lexa’s hand to fumble with the set of keys attached to her jacket pocket to unlock the door, before grabbing her again and yanking her inside the room.

The door slammed shut from the force of Lexa’s back colliding with the wood, Clarke having turned around immediately to walk directly into Lexa’s body. Delicate but determined fingers slid over Lexa’s jaw to grasp the back of her neck, drawing her forward and onto waiting, supple lips.

It took several seconds for Lexa’s mind to begin to unfreeze, and her previous panic to subside, enough for her to register exactly what was happening.

She was being kissed. Really, honestly, kissed.

She was being kissed by Clarke.

The realization had her mind going in a thousand directions and her heart hammering against her ribs.

Having never kissed anyone in all of her existence, she wasn’t entirely sure what to do, but knew she wanted this more than she had ever wanted anything. Forcing herself out of her stupor, Lexa quickly raised shaking hands to the small of Clarke’s back and pulled her impossibly forward. It was a useless attempt as Clarke had practically painted herself to Lexa’s front the moment they stepped into the room, but the soft moan Clarke released when she felt Lexa trying to tug her closer? Lexa knew she would never forget that sound.

Incredibly out of her depth but determined to get this right, Lexa did her best to follow Clarke’s lead. She slid her lips purposefully over and between Clarke’s own, caressing and sucking and nipping like she felt Clarke doing. She lost herself to the feeling of Clarke’s mouth, though muted for her, their warmth and pillowed softness overwhelmed Lexa beyond anything she had daydreamed before.

And her flavor. ‘Starlight’, Lexa thought to herself. Clarke faintly tasted like stars and midnight velvet skies.

And then Clarke gently ran her teeth over Lexa’s full bottom lip before sucking lightly, causing Lexa’s mind to completely short circuit and her knees to turn to jelly as she let out a loud whimper at the sensation. With an audible pop, Clarke released her lip with a devilish grin, only to immediately dive back in for another long, smooth kiss, effectively slowing down the tempo of their impromptu makeout. Placing two more soft but luscious kisses to Lexa’s pliant lips, slightly panting and eye’s darker than Lexa had ever seen them before, Clarke finally pulled back enough to look up at the woman still pressed to her office door.

Staring back just as dazedly, Lexa slipped her tongue across her lip in a subconscious effort to savor the feeling and taste of the woman.

“Fuck, Lexa,” she Clarke exhaled, Lexa enjoying the tickling feeling of her warm breath against her face. “I’m sorry, that, that was not how I intended our first kiss to go but god, Lex,” her fingers threading into soft brown curls and lightly clutching while she leaned her forehead against Lexa’s shoulder. Arms still around the woman, Lexa smoothly ran her hands up and down Clarke’s back, not quite sure what to do in that moment as the woman minutely shook her head on her shoulder. She did know that she really loved it when Clarke called her ‘Lex’.

After a few seconds Clarke pulled back again to stare up at Lexa, eyes hazy but with a look of awe. “I saw you there and with the kids and they were so happy. Because of you, apparently. I mean I’ve heard of the “nice lady” who comes to play but I, when I figured out it was you I lost it. And I just could not… I could not Not kiss you. I mean who are you?” she chuckled breathlessly. “How can one person be so beautiful and so fucking sweet. And funny. And so kind and just, god. I’m sorry I just attacked you like a horny gorilla but that? Yeah. I had to kiss that face,” she laughed again, cheeks turning rosy at her rambling declaration.

Swallowing the lump that had formed at Clarke’s words, Lexa forced the words out. “You don’t need to apologize,” surprising herself with how deep her voice sounded in the small office, “you don’t ever have to apologize for kissing me.”

Clarke tsked at herself before speaking, “But I promised in the bar that I’d wait until you were ready. Kinda backpedaled on that pretty quick,” she winced.

“No, I’m ready, Clarke. I was ready that night at the bar, too. It’s just not really in my nature to go for things I want. To focus on things for myself. I’m not used to... having such strong desires. Or giving into them, really. I-I’m more used to telling myself no.” Which was mostly true. Lexa was the queen of self control.

Right up until she had met Clarke.

“Ha, okay if that’s true, with lips like those? You must have left a lot of broken hearted girls yearning.” Clarke paused for a moment, seeming to contemplate something, her brow scrunching gently before she continued, “Or boys and girls? Completely random subject change, but I don’t think you’ve ever mentioned a specific, I don’t know, label I guess? Or do you not do labels?”

Emphatically sure that her ears were screaming red, Lexa scrambled to clear the haze caused by soft pink lips enough to form sentences that made any sort of sense, trying desperately to keep up with Clarke’s abrupt topic jump. “Oh, um. No, I don’t think I did. I, I don’t know. Men are beautiful, in their own way. I like to see the beauty in every person if possible. But I, I’ve only ever wanted a woman, like... that. Like this,” she finished quietly, eyes looking off to the side but arms gently squeezing around the waist she still held, hoping that was a decent answer. And didn’t make her sound like a complete buffoon.

“Okay, I get that. For the record though, in case you cared to know,” Clarke said, tilting her head to catch Lexa’s eyes, “I’m bi. Guys can be dipshits but meh, you like who you like. Right now though, I’m very, very gay for you,” she winked before continuing in a teasing tone and a grin, “Also, just saying, it’s okay to say lesbian, Lex. It’s not a dirty word.”

To be completely honest, Lexa didn’t know if that title referred to her or not. Angels didn’t function in terms of sexuality so gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, asexual, or any type of sexual weren’t designations that ever came up. She knew she couldn’t have been the only angel in the history of the human race’s existence to fall in love with one of them, at least it seemed unlikely, but she had never heard of one. Especially never hearing of one to actually act on it even if they had.

She did know that, generally speaking, she found women more appealing to watch. She liked listening to them talk and she loved their complex minds. Their beauty and the way they held themselves was always breathtaking to witness.

The long and short of it being, she just thought women were really, really neat.

But beyond that she was a little clueless as to what any of it meant. So forming a declarative statement on the issue was a definite ‘pass’ for her in this moment, but she wanted to return the sentiment that her affections were wholeheartedly centered on the woman in her arms.

“Well, right now I’m definitely a… Clarke-bian. A Clarke-sbian... Attraction solely to Clarke’s. One Clarke.”

Lexa was grateful when Clarke snorted and tossed her head back to laugh lightly, bringing a smile to her own face. “That was terrible Lexa, oh my god. Don’t, please don’t ever repeat that again,” she said through her laughter drawing back forward and shaking her head at Lexa in amusement.

“What? I thought it was fitting, and snappy.”

“No,” Clarke said with a dopey smile, “it was objectively terrible. But, fuck, you are cute.”

“Thank you, I try,” Lexa sniffed. Clarke’s eyes dropping to Lexa’s lips was the only warning she received before the woman gently pressed forward onto her toes, head tipping up and capturing Lexa’s mouth in another soft kiss. Though slower and more controlled than their first, Lexa was equally rocked to her core at the feeling of Clarke’s tamer stardusted kisses. It only lasted a few moments, but still managed to fill Lexa’s entire being with renewed warmth.

“I’m so glad caught you here,” Clarke murmured against Lexa’s lips as she drew away.

That had a thought occurring to Lexa, causing her to pull back a bit further and cocking her head to the side in question. “Speaking of which, why are you here? I thought today was your day off?”

With a deep sigh Clarke leaned back into the secure hold of Lexa’s arms, sliding her hands down to rest on the collar of Lexa’s coat. “Yeah it is. Was. The charge nurse text me, a patient broke their pelvis falling down stairs and had a really rough morning. Her mom was freaking out, it’s the first real big emergency of her kid’s life, ya know? She’s a young mother and the doctor on call apparently gave her, and I quote, “bad vibes”,” fingers curling in the air for emphasis before dropping back down to softly run over Lexa’s upper chest and shoulders. “So she exercised her right to demand a different doctor. And she likes me. So I came in to calm her down and basically repeat everything Bellamy had said, just in different words.”

Lexa felt a small rush of vindicated smugness that the pretentious man’s grating personality didn’t only affect her. She felt a small tap on her shoulder, effectively refocusing her attention.

“I know what that grin is about and knock it off,” Clarke chided amusedly.

“I said nothing.”

“Uh huh, okay. So that definitely wasn’t a ‘haha, Bellamy sucks’ grin?”

“You look very pretty today, Clarke,” Lexa smiled with wide innocent eyes, redirecting the conversation to the truth. In her initial panic at being found in the hospital, she hadn’t gotten a chance to mention how gorgeous Clarke looked. She wore a simple white dress that ended just a bit above the knee, decorated with prints of tiny cherries, the bottom half flaring slightly into gentle vertical ruffles from where it was fitted to her form by a matching cherry red belt. A simple jean jacket and her usual stethoscope completed the look. Lexa thought she looked young and professional and absolutely delicious.

She had spent many evenings on her clifftop thinking about that dress.

“Nice save,” Clarke snickered, tapping her finger on the end of Lexa’s nose. “So, I have a few more things I want to get done since I’m here and then I have to run to the store for ingredients for our oh so special dinner. We’re still on for eight, right?”

“Only a catastrophic emergency would keep me away,” Lexa assured her quite seriously.

“Dramatic. I like it,” Clarke smirked. “Okay then, hot stuff. I’ll see you tonight.”

More prepared the third time around, Lexa met Clarke’s lips halfway as she leaned in, breathing her scent in deeply at the contact, wanting to fully immerse herself in this moment. Unable to stop herself, Lexa moved to deepen the kiss again only to have Clarke whine softly and pull away.

“No no no. God, I knew these would be trouble,” she sighed, laying one more kiss on Lexa’s still buzzing lips despite her words. “You have to go,” and then another kiss, “so I can go get ready,” and another, “ for tonight.” She hummed softly into a final, longer kiss before drawing back and stepping away completely. “Seriously, Lex, you have to go or else I’m getting, literally, nothing done.”

Still in a lip induced haze, Lexa could only nod distractedly, eyes staring flatly at Clarke’s mouth like she had been stuck dumb.

A lightly chuckled, “Babe” finally drew her back to reality, blinking a few times to clear her head and eyes connecting with a twinkling, self-satisfied shade of blue. Pursing her lips at the woman as well as her own ridiculousness, Lexa pushed herself off the door and moved to straighten her already perfectly laid clothing. Ignoring Clarke’s grin, Lexa cleared her throat and nodded firmly again, turning to reach for the handle to leave.

“Yes, well, alright. I’ll see you there tonight,” she said before pausing. She turned back to shoot a sulking glare at Clarke who was already stifling a laugh. “Don’t.”

“I didn’t say anything,” Clarke managed through poorly concealed giggles.

Lexa could only roll her eyes at herself and huff a goodbye, leaving the room with a quietly muttered, “Stop rhyming,” as she closed the door.

Chapter Text

Riding the elevator alone up to Clarke’s apartment was a strange experience.

She had only done so twice before, the first being when she had Clarke saddled on her back, trying to make awkward small talk and stumbling through heartfelt but misplaced apologies, the second being a lovely moment of quiet hand holding and chatting about how nice the evening had been. Without the dulcet sounds of Clarke’s sweet voice, Lexa had time to decide elevators were just plain off-putting.

Nevermind the fact she could literally go anywhere in the world with in the span of a thought, the idea of riding in a small metal box attached to a pulley system of electric motor cables seemed bizarre. She understood the benefits perfectly fine, it was just the act in itself.

But ride the elevator she did, having decided the best course of action would be to materialize in an alley behind Clarke’s building and enter like any other person would. The last thing she needed was to just poof herself into the woman’s hallway only to cause an unwitting neighbor to have a stroke from seeing her appear out of thin air.

Plus, there was the not-so-trivial matter of needing to be buzzed in so as to not seem like a creeper who had memorized the access code in two visits… rather than the reality of her being just a technical creeper who had memorized it from the hundreds of nights walking her home.

Whatever.

Either way, she chose the more logical route, letting herself in following Clarke’s staticky, “Come on up” and used the short time in the elevator ride to Clarke’s floor to calm her mounting nerves.

She had no idea how the evening was going to go, feeling equal parts nervous and thrilled at the prospect of a night alone with Clarke. When the elevator’s ding alerted her that she had reached the desired floor, Lexa took a steadying breath and stepped out as the metal doors slid open. Turning to her left and approaching the woman’s door, Lexa used the brass knocker (again, odd things, door knockers) to let her know she had arrived. Less than a minute passed before the door opened wide, a brilliantly smiling Clarke framed in the doorway.

Lexa loved her most like this. Comfortable and at ease in her home, the woman looked softer and more precious in a loose, well loved cable knit sweater, it’s sky blue color intensifying the richer hue of her eyes. While the tight black leggings she wore had Lexa’s stomach squirming, her curly locks pulled back into a ponytail that left her face looking open and warm, had Lexa’s heart thudding heavily with soft affection.

“Hey hot stuff, glad you could make it. Come in,” she said, leaning back against the door just far enough that Lexa couldn’t help but brush against her as she passed. “I gotta say, I’ve never dated someone who doesn’t have a phone before. I give myself a complex worrying about whether you’re gonna show, even though I know you wouldn’t stand me up. It’s like this irrational technology addiction induced fear,” Clarke chuckled lightly, but Lexa could hear the anxious undertone to her words.

It made her feel a pang of guilt once again that she couldn’t give things to Clarke that an actual human could, like flirty texts or a call to say goodnight. Or even a simple message confirming a date. But she consoled herself that, despite her lack of technological availability, Clarke still seemed to want her around. Still seemed just as excited to pursue… whatever this was becoming.

“I would never just not show up, Clarke, I promise. If something came up I would either let you know before I had to go, or as soon as I was finished I’d come to you to explain. I know I’m not- I know I don’t really do things in a typical way, but I would never do something to intentionally hurt you,” Lexa assured.

Clarke eyed her softly from where she stood still leaning against the door, before turning to shut it with a small click and stepped to envelop Lexa in a gentle hug. She returned the hug tightly, burying her nose in golden locks, feeling everything inside of her calm for the first time in hours.

“Sorry,” Clarke murmured. “I don’t know why I get paranoid. My last boyfriend was… not the greatest at keeping promises and I guess it’s kinda made me gun-shy.”

“Your last boyfriend was a complete idiot.”

He really was an absolute moron, in her decidedly angelic opinion.

Finn, possibly the only person Lexa really did hate with a passion.

A sleek-haired smooth talker with a boyish grin who, in the three meager months of being lucky enough to date Clarke, had cheated on her repeatedly. After the fourth time in three weeks of him conveniently ‘forgetting’ their pre-scheduled dates and only returning Clarke’s texts or calls the next morning with a halfhearted, “Sorry babe, I completely forgot and my phone was on silent,” she had had enough and confronted him. Lexa hadn’t been present for the fight itself, feeling that wasn’t her place (and not able to stomach watching if Clarke actually forgave him yet again), but when she returned later the same evening to check in, she had easily deduced that Clarke had finally kicked him to the curb with the rest of her trash. The next morning she had sat and listened to Clarke in tears, telling her friend Raven how stupid she felt for not realizing sooner he was cheating on her.

That day had been one of the very few times in her existence Lexa really, genuinely wished she could use her angel strength to beat the crap out of someone.

Clarke snorted a laugh before drawing back to look at her with amused eyes. “Yeah I get the feeling you would’ve really hated him, going off your reaction to the two minutes you spent with Bell,” she said, having no idea how right she was. “Anyway, forget all that. You’re here.”

“I am,” Lexa smiled softly.

“It’s only been a few hours but I definitely missed you. I don’t even care if it’s weird this time.”

“I missed you, too,” Lexa said tightening her hold, her hands having slid from around Clarke’s waist to rest on the swell of her hips.

The shy smile Clarke had been trying to reign in suddenly flashed brighter and fuller, her hands moving to gently cup Lexa’s cheeks, slowly pulling her in. Willingly and eagerly, Lexa let herself fall into the soft kiss being offered.

She couldn’t help herself. Each one she was granted felt new and exciting, like she was discovering revelations of the meaning of her existence on the bend and bow of Clarke’s lips each time they met her own, while at the same time a feeling of comforting familiarity was starting to grow. Almost like her lips knew this was where they should be at any and every given moment. It was heady and calming and invigorating.

Clarke hummed softly as she pulled away to look up at Lexa through lowered lashes, whispering a warm, “Hi.”

“Hello,” Lexa couldn’t help smiling back, eyes dancing around the woman’s features.

“I’m getting into the habit of jumping you every time you walk into a room, hm.”

“I mean, I’m not opposed to the development.”

“Ha, yeah I’ll bet,” Clarke rolled her eyes at them both before stepping back. “Here, let me take your coat.”

That made Lexa stop short.

It occurred to her, at this very inopportune moment, that she had legitimately never removed her coat. Not here on Earth anyway. It had never been necessary, it’s presence just a part of her. No different than the hair on her head or the color of her eyes. Recovering quickly from her momentary epiphany, Lexa cleared her throat and slowly slid the jacket off her shoulders, lightly at first, and then more forcefully, wiggling her arms to shimmy the material down her arms.

It all felt very odd.

“Calm down, hang on, let me help you out there, stud,” Clarke said amusedly, stepping around the struggling woman to guide the garment off before turning and hanging it on a series of pegs behind the door.

Ears flaming brilliantly, Lexa muttered an embarrassed, “Sorry,” to floor. She felt a bit off-kilter. Not bad, though.

Perhaps a touch more human.

“Nothing to apologize for, babe,” Clarke said, coming back around to stand in front of Lexa. Her gaze swept slowly from the black boots on Lexa’s feet to land on her face. After a moment, Clarke jutted out a hip to lean her hand on, brow furrowed in thought. “You know, I think this is the first time I’ve seen you without your jacket on… That can’t be right… Is that right? I mean you look really fucking good in that shirt so I feel like I would remember.”

Metaphorically sweating bullets, Lexa reached up to straighten her already perfectly straight V shaped collar before dragging her fingers down the material of the black long sleeved shirt she was wearing. “Probably. I tend to keep it on all the time.”

“How do you not pass out from the heat around here? Long pants and sleeves and that jacket? And they're all black? I’d be an actually puddle of melted goo within fifteen minutes.” Clarke’s face looked horrified just thinking about the prospect of battling the L.A. heat in such attire.

“Oh, it, it honestly doesn’t bother me. I don’t really get hot.”

“Huh,” Clarke seemed to consider that for a moment before carelessly shrugging. “Lucky. I sweat just thinking about the heat. Anyway, gimme gimme,” she said, her hands moving in a grabby motion for Lexa to meet her touch. Immediately Clarke laced their fingers together and started to walk backwards down the narrow hallway, leading Lexa into the main portion of her apartment. “I wanna give you the grand tour of my humble abode.”

Not that Lexa needed a tour. She was intimately aware of Clarke’s home and loved the space. Every inch had been decorated in such a way that was so purely *Clarke* that Lexa felt almost more centered there than she did when sitting on her personal cliff top. Nonetheless, Lexa allowed the woman to show her to the large living room that greeted them as soon as they emerged from the entrance hallway, despite the experience being incredibly surreal. A high ceilinged room, the middle filled with a large oval mahogany coffee table, surrounded by two adjacently placed overstuffed, dark camel colored couches that served well for entertaining guests and complimented the soft off white matte finish of the walls. A plush high backed blood red/crimson reading chair sat next to the window on the opposite wall that Lexa knew Clarke enjoyed sitting in on rainy days to read and drink her horrible smelling espresso.

Knick knacks, souvenirs from vacations gone by, and pictures of Clarke’s family and friends lined the mantle of a decorative fireplace, there purely for the aesthetic rather than ever needing to heat the southern California apartment. Two small tables, one by the chair and another next to the entrance to the hall, held modern looking lamps whose soft yellow light cast the room in a delicate glow.

Her favorite part, however, was the art. A mishmash collection of pieces Clarke had bought throughout her life, or so Lexa assumed, as well as some of her own creation. The first time Lexa had realized the large piece she had been staring at for roughly a half an hour was actually Clarke’s (you’d think as a celestial being in charge of literally watching things she would have noticed the signature sooner) had been shortly after “meeting” the woman. Still in the phase of mostly innocent infatuation, Lexa had decided to venture to Clarke’s apartment occasionally in the hopes of better understanding this luminous enigma who occupied her mind when she had discovered it. She didn’t know why Clarke didn’t paint anymore, though she did have a sketch pad she would draw in from time to time. That painting, however, was her favorite of all the room’s art. Rich in color and vibrancy, just this side of clashing with the otherwise subdued style of the living room, the almost abstract approach to a forest scene intrigued Lexa for reasons unknown.

And the books.

Built into each corner of the room were columns of dark wooden alcove shelves, topped with weathered bronze sconces that matched her front door’s knocker. Clarke used the stylish yet odd shelving space to house her wide collection of books, ranging from medical encyclopedias to science fiction novels and everything in between. Lexa adored the woman’s collection, having spent plenty of her quieter evenings tucked into Clarke’s reading chair, devouring words of authors new and old as the woman peacefully dreamed, safe in her bed.

Clarke’s voice slowly filtering into her ear broke Lexa from her musings and memories, causing her to turn toward the woman who was looking at her expectantly. Having no idea what Clarke had previously been saying, Lexa took a shot in the dark and hoped for the best. “This room is lovely, Clarke. It’s very, it seems very… you.”

“Why thank you, tacky is exactly what I was going for,” she said with a faux tone of regality.

“Not what I meant,” Lexa rolled her eyes, “It’s classy, without feeling stuffy. Or boring. It’s unique, and warm. You.”

Clarke smiled affectionately at her words, stepping closer to rest her free hand in the slight crook of Lexa’s elbow. “Thanks, I actually do kinda love it. But alas, it is temporary,” she said as she gently steered them towards the broad doorway that led to the kitchen.

“How so?” Lexa hummed distractedly as they climbed the three small wooden steps that separated the spaces, covertly looking around the apartment for a certain plump four legged friend.

“I’m saving to buy a house. Eventually. Nothing huge, and I’m hoping it can be at least semi close to work, but I just want something that’s completely mine, ya know?”

She didn’t really, but Lexa nodded gamely anyway.

“Until then, this,” she drew out with a flourish of her arm in the air, “is the kitchen. This is where the culinary magic happens. The room where I perform my other magical abilities comes later.” Turning to wag her eyebrows at her own corniness, she promptly burst into laughter at seeing the blush rapidly rising up the woman’s face.

“You’re terrible.”

“I know, but I wish you could have seen your face. Way too easy,” Clarke said as her laughter naturally subsided. Walking around her tall black and white tiled kitchen island that displayed an array of vegetables, tomato sauce, and long sheets of pasta, she took a breath to focus her thoughts before continuing.

“Okay, so I have this like, ninety percent done. Just finishing up the last layer. I know you said you didn’t care what we had, but considering I invited you to a bar when you don’t even drink and you agreed, I decided to err on the side of caution and went with a vegetarian lasagna.” It was a statement, though posed almost as a question, so Lexa felt the need to reassure the woman anyway.

“Yes, that’s great, thank you,” she said, having absolutely no idea if that was true or not.

“Okay, good,” relief evident in her voice as she grabbed a handful of grated mozzarella and started sprinkling the slivers over her baking dish. After a second she froze, her head shooting up to look at Lexa, “You’re not vegan, right?”

“No,” Lexa grinned.

“Okay, whew,” she breathed dramatically, resuming her sprinkling activity. “Nothing against vegans, I mean more power to ya, you know,” she absently raised a fist in the air to show her theoretical support and solidarity of the lifestyle before going back to work. “I don’t have that kind of discipline, that’s for sure. But if you had been, we’d have been shit out of luck for dinner,” she winced through clenched teeth.

Coming to stand behind Clarke, Lexa placed her hands on the tile to either side of the woman and gently rested her chin on her shoulder. “Is there anything I can help with?” she asked softly. She had no idea how to do a single thing proficiently in the kitchen, but she had dreamed of doing this very act, feeling this level of closeness and domesticity in this exact room, more times than she could count.

Having finished the final cheese layer of her master creation, Clarke leaned back into Lexa’s chest as she wiped her hands on a rag she kept nearby, turning her head to kiss the edge of her plump lips. “No, but thank you,” as she pressed a second kiss to her jaw. “Actually, just make yourself at home if you’d like. I’m gonna put this in the oven. If you want, you’re welcome to go look through the fridge for something to drink. Whatever you want’s good.”

Nodding and pushing off of the counter to free the woman so she could continue her cooking, Lexa strolled over to the large stainless steel double doored refrigerator, taking the time to look at the small drawings and magnets that decorated it’s sleek surface.

“I like these, did you do them yourself?” she smiled teasingly, already knowing the answer.

“What? Oh,” Clarke snorted at Lexa’s joke, seeing that she was referring to the brightly colored rudimentary pictures she’d hung, most adorned with a childish ‘Thank You Dr. Clarke’ scribbled in messy lettering. “While I do consider those my masterpieces, I sadly cannot take artistic credit,” she lamented while shutting the oven door and setting the timer. Joining Lexa at the fridge, Clarke continued fondly, “One of the perks of the job. Never run out of new and exciting artwork. My fridge is the MoMA of pediatrics.”

“I love it,” Lexa said earnestly, “This is one of the most adorable things I’ve ever seen.”

“Yeah, me too. They help on bad days... Bad cases. When something really shitty happens at work or I, god forbid, lose someone. It can be tough to keep going, but these help. They remind I saved someone else or made another “boo boo” go away,” she chuckled lightly. “Puts things back into focus, you know?”

Swallowing thickly as she watched the side of Clarke’s face as she spoke, thinking of the countless afternoons spent in the fifth floor playroom, seeking out and trying to be the cause of tiny peels of laughter from even tinier faces. Everything she got out of it and why she went there to begin with. Lexa felt even more attuned to this wonderful human.

Turning and catching the woman staring at her, Clarke blushed, laughing mildly. “What?”

Unable to help herself, Lexa took a final sweep of the precious face looking back at her before carefully leaning forward to capture the shy grin in a delicate kiss. Pliant under Lexa’s full lips, Clarke reached up to rest the pads of her fingers against the woman’s long neck, seemingly needing the small bit of extra contact to ground herself.

Not intending to escalate the embrace, having kissed Clarke simply because she had to feel the tangible connection in that moment, Lexa pulled back as slowly as she had leaned in. Breathing deeper from the intensity of the contact, Lexa gently rested their foreheads together as she watched her favorite pair of blues slowly flutter open.

“What was that for?” Clarke whispered, barely loud enough to be heard.

Knowing she couldn’t be entirely honest, couldn’t share even a fraction of the feelings that were thundering inside her heart in that moment, Lexa the went with the simplest but truest answer she could give.

“Because you’re you.”

//////////////////////////////

 

Lexa was extremely happy with how well the evening was going.

Currently sitting nestled into the arm of a soft sofa that smelled of Clarke and laundry with a hint of the rich musky candles the woman sometimes liked to burn. Lexa loved those more than she could explain even to herself. Clarke was currently tucked perfectly under her arm, cuddled perfectly against her side, head resting perfectly on Lexa’s chest.

The whole night had been perfect up to this point.

Well.

Almost all perfect.

The yelp she had let out earlier when a very chunky grey cat had jumped onto the kitchen counter directly beside Lexa and promptly yowled louder than any cat should be able to, had been more than enough to break the intense moment between the two women.

And embarrass Lexa beyond words.

“Dammit Penelope, don’t do that,” Clarke had scolded lightly, shaking her head at the exceedingly rude feline who was steadfastly ignoring her. “Sorry about her, she can be such an ass. Don’t take offense if she’s mean to you either, she’s mean to just about everyone. Except me. And my mom, for some mysterious reason considering my mom hates cats.”

Her heart finally returning to a normal pace, Lexa lowered her hand from where it had been clutching her chest and nodded rapidly, “It’s okay, just caught me off guard. She probably needs food or something.”

“Ah shit, you’re right. I was so wrapped up getting ready for tonight I completely forgot. Two seconds. Go ahead and get that drink and I’ll be right back after I feed this brat.” Landing a swift peck to Lexa’s lips, Clarke had then hurried out of the kitchen and down the hall that Lexa knew lead to her laundry/Penelope room.

Breathing a suffering a sigh, Lexa moved forward to start petting the obstinate cat, feeling the muted rumbles against her fingers of what would otherwise be an intense purr.

“Why you gotta be like that, Penny? Huh?,” she murmured quietly. “I finally get to hang out with you in the flesh and you go pull something like that? Harsh.”

In reality, the furry little moment ruiner loved Lexa. She wasn’t sure if it was the angel thing or just a Lexa thing, as animals could go either way when it came to being accommodating to their presence. Most outright ignored them, a few hissed or barked at the strange being their masters seemed to refuse to acknowledge, but sometimes you ran into ones who wanted to be the best of friends. That was Penelope, or Penny as Lexa liked to call her (she had a thing for nicknames, sue her). Whenever Lexa would visit, eventually the cat would set up camp wherever in the house she was, batting at her hands and rubbing herself against Lexa’s seemingly phantom form until she got what she wanted. Which, inevitably, was hours upon hours of whisper soft head rubs.

So focused on a very thorough chin scratching, Lexa hadn’t noticed when Clarke returned to the kitchen until she heard a gasped, “Holy shit.”

Jumping, yet again, Lexa had promptly dropped her hand to her side as she turned to the woman frozen in the doorway. “What?” she asked worriedly.

“She… she’s being nice to you,” Clarke looked dumbfounded.

“Oh, yes. I’m good with animals. Don’t worry, she’s been a lovely host in your absence,” Lexa had teased and turned back to tickle the underside of Penny’s furry cheek before facing Clarke again.

Growing nervous under Clarke’s incredulous stare, Lexa tried to come up with something to distract from the situation. However, as she opened her mouth to speak, she felt a slight prick on her arm. Looking down, Penny had reached out a small but wicked paw to sink her tiny razor sharp claws into the fabric of Lexa’s sleeve in an attempt to pull her arm, and attention, back to more pressing matters.

“Penelope, no! Tsk, there’s the little shit I know and love, it was nice while it lasted though,” Clarke moved towards them quickly. Lexa had already removed the offending appendage by the time she had reached the other side of the kitchen to scoop up the cat. “She didn’t get you did she? Her claws are notoriously savage, she’s scratched my friend Raven so many times it’s ridiculous,” pausing to acknowledge Lexa’s assurance that no she hadn’t hurt her, Clarke lifted the chubby body to stare seriously into indifferent eyes. “Bad kitty, bad. You do not physically assault my gir- my date. That’s ‘No’. No.” Avoiding all eye contact with Lexa, Clarke turned on her heel with a muttered, “I’ll be back in a minute,” and left the room, Penelope secured in her arms.

Lexa had felt her heart skip and then pound inside of her chest.

She heard that.

She had heard that. She knew for a fact she heard that. She wasn’t daydreaming, or even regular dreaming (because she couldn’t because angels don’t sleep), that had really happened.

Clarke had definitely almost said girlfriend.

As in she was actively thinking about Lexa as a possible girlfriend. Or that she wanted Lexa to be her girlfriend. Or that she already considered Lexa her girlfriend? But just hadn’t talked about it to her yet? She wasn’t sure which was accurate, or what it meant to actually be someone’s girlfriend, but the prospect of any of them being true had Lexa feeling delirious and overwhelmed in the best of ways. Just knowing that Clarke felt about her in that way, that her affection for the angel was that deep, was breathtaking.

But she needed to keep it together.

Deciding to play it cool and, more importantly, not to rush either of them into saying or doing anything they weren’t completely ready for, Lexa had taken a few measured breaths to calm herself and her mind and repress the urge to throw a jubilant fist in the air. When she felt back in control of all of her faculties rather than a boneless pile of feelings, Lexa finally completed the task that had started the bizarre chain of events that had transpired.

Looking through Clarke’s well stocked fridge for something to drink had felt strange as well. Between several different kinds of juices, sparkling water, purified water, soda, milk, and what she assumed must be lemonade (that, or Clarke was keeping a jug of something very disgusting in her fridge), Lexa had no idea what to choose. The beer and wine were obviously out, as for everything else she had no idea what anything tasted like or if they would even be suitable date beverages.

It was moments like that that reminded her how very far outside of her depth she really was.

Hearing Clarke briskly re enter the room as if nothing happened, Lexa chose to follow the woman’s lead of obliviousness. She turned to her with a slight frown and sighed heavily, “I can’t decide what to have.”

“Well, let’s see,” the woman had hummed, as she moved next to Lexa to peer into the appliance. “Grape juice would taste a little funny with the lasagna I think. Apple is okay, if you want. Oh, you wanna try my homemade lemonade? Fresh squeezed by yours truly, ultra fancy,” Clarke nudged her shoulder with a teasing smile.

Lexa mentally gave herself a fist bump for correctly guessing the mystery yellow liquid before happily agreeing to try it. Clarke, pleased with their mutual selection of her finest zesty brew, had directed Lexa to go get comfy on the couch while she poured their drinks.

Which is how Lexa found herself here, currently being snuggled to within an inch of her life on her favorite couch, by her favorite person, blissfully watching a movie as they waited for dinner to be ready.

The blissful feeling didn’t come from the dancing and singing figures on the scene (Clarke had decided on a musical, a guilty pleasure that the woman thought would combine Lexa’s enthusiastic appreciation for music and movies in one swoop) but rather the overwhelming feeling of the soft body pressed against her own. Around the second number, an upbeat song by a hopeful young stargazer intent on finding true love, Lexa felt a gentle hand settle itself against her stomach. Willing herself not shiver at the sensation as delicate fingers started tracing small shapes and lines across her abdominals, Lexa could only tuck her head in further, Clarke filling her senses with every breath.

“You’re being so quiet,” the woman murmured from her spot on Lexa’s chest.

“I’m enjoying myself, don’t worry,” she replied, shifting to lay a small kiss on the crown of Clarke’s head.

“I knew you’d like this one. I wasn’t sure if you’d seen it, but it’s one of my favorites. Don’t tell anyone that though.” Lexa could hear the embarrassed smile in her tone.

Pressing an answering smile against golden strands, Lexa vowed, “I won’t. You’re safe.”

If Lexa hadn’t been as close as she was, she’s she would have missed the barely whispered, “I know.”

A few moments passed before Lexa felt the need to clarify her earlier statement however. “I wasn’t talking about the movie, though.”

Clarke lifted her head to gaze steadily into her eyes, a calm but hopeful glint to her features. “No?”

“No.”

She watched as Clarke slowly slid the very tip of her tongue out to moisten her bottom lip before sucking it back between teeth. Eyes shifting between Lexa’s hooded stare and fuller pink lips, Clarke hesitated before asking softly, “What were you talking about then?”

Lexa couldn’t control her small fond smile from spreading as she tilted forward to rest her forehead against the woman, tenderly caressing Clarke’s nose with her own as she felt a shuddering breath ghost across her skin.

“You,” she whispered, “It’s always you, Clarke.”

Not a second after the words left her mouth, she felt a soft, insistent lips envelope her own. She didn’t know if this feeling, this euphoria that overcame her every time Clarke kissed her, would ever fade but in this moment she would wager everything in the world that the answer was no. Eyes slamming shut at first taste of Clarke, Lexa was powerless to do anything beyond plant shaking hands on the woman’s waist and pray she survived the heavenly assault.

Clarke’s lips moved gently and unwaveringly, bold and long draws from the fountain that was Lexa’s mouth. Finger’s gliding up over straining tendons and hollowed dips finally found purchase in long wavy locks of brunette as she tried valiantly but fruitlessly to tug the cause of her ardor closer.

Though Lexa was immune to such problems, when air became an issue for Clarke, she forced herself to retreated a few inches, chest heaving and dark eyes glittering in the soft evening light.

Noticing Lexa was still sat unmoving, eyes still closed and jaw slightly unhinged, Clarke took a moment to run the pad of her thumb over her swollen glistening bottom lip. “Is this okay?”

Slowly sliding her eyes open, wading through the mental haze of trying to commit every sensation of Clarke’s brazen kisses to her mind, Lexa nodded lazily.

“You feel so good.”

Lexa panicked for the split second it took Clarke’s face to flex, her jaw dropping minutely and brows contracting to form a minscule crease, before the woman surged forward, breathing a soft, “Fuck, baby,” against her lips. Lexa yielded easily to Clarke’s onslaught, allowing herself to be pushed backwards into the couch as two knees came to settle on either side of her thighs. Without breaking the kiss, Clarke sunk hands deep into wavy brown hair as she rose smoothly and straddled the angel, settling gently in her lap.

Swallowing a small shriek before it could fully form her throat, Lexa threw her hands out to the sides in surprise at the intensity of Clarke’s reaction.

She had not been expecting… this, when she had made the comment. She hadn’t been trying to be suave or seductive, simply honest, so the lustful response caught her kind of off guard.

Unsure of exactly how to proceed, Lexa returned the zealous kisses being pressed to her lips with equal fervor, hands awkwardly hovering in the an inch above Clarke’s hips. As if sensing the cause of her hesitation, Clarke drew back slightly, bringing her hands from Lexa’s mussed hair to her sharp jaw and cupped her face gently.

“It’s okay, baby,” she softly panted between long, ardent kisses. “You can touch me.” Another. “I want you to touch me.” Like she was handling preciously delicate cargo, Clarke took Lexa’s hands and slowly lowered them to rest gently on her waist right below her ribs.

Nervous but electrified at the feeling of the woman under her fingertips, Lexa experimentally ran her hands slightly up Clarke’s sides before slowly sweeping them down to land on soft plush hips. Content that Lexa was comfortable with what was happening, Clarke tipped forward to recapture wanting lips.

Feeling the woman above her drape herself against her, arms wrapped securely around her neck to anchor them together in renewed passion, Lexa moaned at the feeling of Clarke’s generous chest pressing into her. Her fingers reflexively gripped harder into curves in response when, suddenly, Lexa felt the scorching tip of seeking tongue swipe teasingly at her upper lip. Beyond accustomed to following Clarke’s lead and trusting in the woman with her entire being, Lexa surrendered to the coaxing movements, opening her lips slightly at the next sweep to curiously meet the touch.

Lexa had seen people kissing before. Obviously as an angel whose job description was to watch humans she had seen a fair amount of kisses. Granted, given her specific station the majority of kisses she had witnessed where chaste kisses among parents, adorable smooches between a parent and child, or egregiously saliva saturated lashings shared by overeager teenagers that she would instantly turn away from to save herself the urge to gag.

This was nothing like anything she had ever witnessed or experienced before. The moment Clarke felt Lexa grant her request for entrance, she smoothly slid her tongue along the slick plane of Lexa’s own. Her movements had turned slower but deeper, softly massaging and twisting within Lexa’s mouth, causing the bright citrusy tang of lemons to become infused with a stronger note of velvet stardust than Lexa had ever tasted before.

The world outside of this moment, of these arms and this kiss, ceased to exist for Lexa. Every inch of her felt as though it was vibrating at the feeling and flavor of Clarke. She did her best to mimic the magical things the other woman was doing, caressing and massaging the slick silk with heartbreaking reverence, hoping to make Clarke feel even half as wonderful as she did right now.

Pulling back just enough to change the angle of the kiss, without thinking, Lexa moved one hand up to gently grip the back of Clarke’s neck to draw her back in as she slid the other down, softly grasping a warm, firm butt cheek and pulled her in tightly.

The wanton moan Clarke released echoed loudly in her mouth, making Lexa’s entire body shudder almost violently. Feeling Clarke start to gently roll hips against her own ignited a rushing heat in the core of her stomach she had never felt before. It excited her, but also set off every heavenly warning bell in her brain.

This was starting to get a little out of hand.

Instincts and desires warred loudly in her head, higher reasoning emerged victorious as she brought shaky hands back to Clarke’s waist and squeezed softly, effectively stopping the light grinding and getting Clarke’s attention. She slowed the intensity of their kiss, eventually drawing her tongue back into her own mouth but not pulling away, instead pressing a few more soft, deep kisses to Lexa’s bee-stung lips. Lexa ran her hands gently and down Clarke’s back, grateful the woman had understood her silent request enough to slow things down.

When she finally did pull back to look at the woman beneath her with dark twinkling eyes, pupils blown so wide Lexa knew she could see constellations and galaxies in their depths if she gazed long enough, she took several deep breaths and swallowed before finding her voice.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes I, of course. I just, that was just…” Lexa searched for the words.

“Too much?”

“I liked it, it was just… it was starting to go… further than I can go,” she said, flushing in guilt.

Reaching up and tucking a few slightly disheveled brown curls behind Lexa’s ears, Clarke ran the tips of her fingers over her jaw and neck, coming to rest over Lexa’s still wildly hammering heart. “That’s okay, baby. You don’t have to be embarrassed,” she said, obviously mistaking the faint blush for something else entirely. “I’m glad you told me, that’s exactly what I want. I’m sorry if it felt like I was pushing you, I would never do that.”

“No, no, it wasn’t that. You’re perfect, Clarke.”

“I’m not,” Clarke chuckled, leaning to rest her head against Lexa’s for a second before drawing back. “Believe me. The thoughts that were going through my head less than two minutes ago would prove that,” she added with a lascivious look.

Swallowing at the possibilities of what that meant, and could never be, Lexa reached up to cover the hand still resting over her heart. “You’re perfect to me.”

Clarke’s face shifted into a very serious contemplating look. A gentle crease forming between her brows before relaxing as she flipped her hand to lace their fingers together and moved them to rest in the small cradle of space between them, as she was still sitting straddling Lexa’s lap. Licking her lips as she seemed to gather some courage, Clarke adjusted herself slightly, squaring her shoulders and looked Lexa directly in the eye.

“Do you remember that conversation we were having with Bellamy the other morning?”

Completely thrown by that, Lexa frowned deeply and reared her head back slightly in startled confusion.

“Oh, fuck. No. I’m sorry,” Clarke said, slapping her free hand over her face in realization as she took in the alarmed and borderline disgusted look on Lexa’s face from her bringing him up right after they were doing… all that. “I’m sorry, that was not, that was a terrible lead in to this. God, I’m so dumb.”

Despite her initial bewildered reaction, Lexa still had the wherewithal to gentle pull Clarke’s hand away from her face, bringing it to her lips to lay a soft kiss to the woman’s palm. “No, you’re not. Please don’t talk about yourself like that, okay?”

“... Okay,” she replied quietly.

“I’m sorry for my… initial reaction. Please go on, the conversation with Bellamy?” Proud of her self control at just the ghost of a grimace as she said his name.

“Right. Right. So, I was thinking. About how when you guys met, and I went to introduce you, I kind of made a complete fool of myself.”

“I wasn’t mad Clarke, you know that.”

“No, I know. Because you’re amazing. And so sweet and so beautiful and pretty much everything good in the world. But… It got me thinking. About... how I wasn’t sure how to introduce you.”

“Lexa seemed to work pretty well, even if he didn’t remember it.”

Clarked laughed lightly as she reached a hand up to cup Lexa’s face and run a thumb over the apple of her cheek. “That’s not what I meant, doofus,” she said, her words saturated with tender fondness.

“Ah, okay. What did you mean?” Lexa asked quietly, genuinely, as she turned her face slightly to nuzzle into the soft hand.

“I meant, I called you my ‘friend’. Well, weirdly ‘lady friend’, like a dumba-” she cut off at the look Lexa leveled at her. Pulling her lips into her mouth for a second, Clarke sent a silent apology before continuing, “Anyway, I, I called you my friend. And that felt so… wrong. I mean you are my friend. Somehow I think you’ve become my best friend in the relatively short time I’ve known you. You’re kind of my favorite person. But, I don’t want to introduce you as my friend. I want everyone to know exactly how I feel about.”

“How do you feel about me?” she whispered, feeling a terrible sort of thrill.

“Like I want you around all the time. Like I’m happier when you’re near me. I wake up and I think about you and I, I dream about you, about your eyes and your laugh and your smile. Even just... holding your hand is one of the best feelings I’ve felt in a really long time,” she gently squeezed the fingers folded into her own to emphasize her point. “And I feel like you get me. It’s like you understand exactly who I am, and feel like I understand you too.”

“You do,” she assured softly, never taking her eyes off the gorgeous rings of blue looking adoringly at her.

Smiling sweetly, Clarke glanced down to their still entwined fingers in her lap and took a deep breath in. Squaring her shoulders, she looked back into Lexa’s eyes. “Lexa, I know it hasn’t been very long but I really just want to be… I don’t care if it’s a cliche to ask but, what I’m asking is, would you be m-”

The shrill sound of the oven timer going off cut through Clarke’s words, effectively startling them both enough to jump slightly.

After a few suspended moments of shock, mouth hanging wide, Clarke scoffed loudly and threw her head back to rest on dejected shoulders, staring at the ceiling as she raged a hushed, “You have got to be fucking kidding me.”

Stuck, undoubtedly wearing a very deer-in-headlights-esque expression, Lexa had no idea how to react. She’s 99.9% sure she knows exactly where Clarke was going with that, and was subsequently paralyzed at the prospect.

This… was everything she had ever imagined (well, not *everything*, she hadn’t imagined they’d be foiled by an obnoxiously loud oven timer), everything she had ever dreamed and hoped for. And while a small voice sounded in her head, softly reminding her, “You know this can’t work,” the rest of her felt overwhelming exhilaration at the knowledge that Clarke seemed to care about her very, very deeply. Deeply enough for Clarke to want Lexa to be hers, assuming she was on the right page of course.

She was pulled out of her thoughts by a rather disgruntled looking Clarke tipping forward to look at her again, before stating in a decidedly peeved tone, “As you can see, I have the best timing.”

“It’s okay, really,” Lexa soothed. “We have plenty of time to talk about… whatever you want to talk about. Let’s go get that before it burns though.” Rubbing her hands consolingly over the woman’s arms and shoulders.

Rolling her eyes at the universe, Clarke nodded as she removed herself from Lexa’s lap, standing and taking her hand to pull her up as well. “C’mon, I want to make a salad too. You can help me with that.”

Still high off the ‘almost’ defining moment from before, Lexa nodded happily as she trailed behind her, fingers slipping softly together.

//////////////////////////////////////

 

“I can’t believe she seems to like you so much,” Clarke chuckled lightly as she stood on one side of the kitchen island chopping a pepper, Lexa directly across from her, sleeves rolled to her elbows as she ripped up hearts of romaine to be washed in a spinning colander (Lexa thought the thing was hilarious, you just push the the top a couple times and whoosh-whoosh-whoosh, it flies around in there to dry the lettuce. She didn’t know why, she just thought it was neat).

“I told you, I’m good with animals.”

“Yeah I know, I mean it’s not shocking that everyone seems to like you but she can be such a little jerk to people. My ex? She scratched him up every single time he came over. Would just hiss like crazy and attack his legs when he’d walk by wherever she was hiding.”

“Good kitty,” Lexa cooed as she reached over to stroke the fluffy head of the fat cat who was currently perched on the edge of the island right beside her.

Clarke snorted at her antics, fondly shaking her head and rolling her eyes. “You’re such a dork.”

“It’s not my fault she has fabulous judgement.”

“Well not that great, like I said she attacks a lot of people. My friend Raven, while she’s not nearly as mean to her as she was to Finn, she’s still kind of a bitch. Poor girl has like, five scars from Penelope. I feel terrible about it but she literally insists on being friends with her. I try to tell her, ‘Rave, there’s a point ya gotta just give up the ghost and realize this cat doesn’t like you,’ but,” she shrugged.

“What does she say to that?”

“‘Nonsense Clarke, everyone loves me. She just hasn’t realized it yet,’” she quoted in an extremely unflattering deep nasally voice. Lexa could only laugh, knowing that’s exactly what the woman said every time she visited and felt the wrath of Petulant Penny.

A few moments of comfortable silence passed before Clarke spoke again, “Ya know, I was actually talking to Raven this afternoon, while I was getting ready for tonight.”

“Yeah?” Lexa answered offhandedly, still focused on trying to tear the lettuce into perfectly equal pieces to make it seem like she knew what she was doing.

“Yeah, I was telling her about how sweet you are and how you visit the kids and stuff.”

“It’s really not a big deal, Clarke. I mean I do it for them but also for me. I enjoy it too.”

“No, I know, that wasn’t where I was going with that. Although, still adorable,” she paused to enjoy the tips of Lexa’s ears turning red. “No what I was gonna say is, she asked me a few questions that I realized I couldn’t really answer. Made me feel kind of stupid to be completely honest,” she grumbled lightheartedly to herself.

“You’re not, but what did she ask?” Lexa replied while finishing up with the lettuce. She picked up the bowl, carrying it over to the sink to rinse, thoroughly enjoying finally getting to be involved in the live action whoosh-whoosh-whooshing portion of the drying process.

“She asked me where you worked,” Clarke laughed. “And then I realized I don’t even know. How bad is that?”

Lexa felt her stomach fall down to her knees, the statement wiping the smile immediately off her face. Swallowing several times before answering, Lexa’s mind raced with how to possibly deal with this.

“Oh?” she said lightly, hearing herself how her voice had started to shake. “Why’d she ask that?”

“Well I was just talking about us and how’d we met. I was telling her how much I, how I like you so much and then she started asking the usual protective friend questions, ya know? Where does she work, where does she live, she got a nice ass, the usual,” Clarke stated nonchalantly.

“And what did you tell her?” Lexa deflected, as she brought the bowl back over to the island, setting it down gently next Penny and pulling the extra cutting board closer to her to lean on.

“Well you know how I feel about your butt, so that was fine. But, I very embarrassingly realized I couldn’t answer a lot of the other stuff. This kind of... developed so fast I guess we forgot to really cover the basics. So, I’m asking now.”

“You know what I do,” she said weakly.

Cocking her head to the side, Clarke answered with a confused smile, “No babe, I don’t.”

“I, I work mostly with children. I help them.”

“I didn’t know you worked with kids too. Lex! Are you like a counselor?” Clarke asked, smiling brightly.

“Sort of, in a way.”

“Well, do you work for the state?”

“Oh, no.”

“... A school?”

“No.”

“Why are you being weird?” Clarke’s smile had shifted slowly into confusion at Lexa’s soft, disjointed answers.

“I’m not. I’m just... not big on talking about myself a lot,” Lexa tried, knowing she was only digging herself deeper.

“Okay, I get that. But, if we’re gonna… be together I kinda need to know stuff about you.”

Swallowing the lump in her throat and feeling everything inside of her flailing, Lexa attempted ease past the moment. “One of my favorite movies is ‘Clue’?” she feebly tried to joke.

Frowning and shaking her head, Clarke didn’t bite. “That’s not what I mean, Lexa, and you know that. Why won’t you tell me about yourself?”

“What do you want to know?”

“I asked where you work.”

“I told you, I work with kids,” she muttered, staring resolutely at the cutting board in front of her as she reached out to pet the chubby feline at her side in the hopes it would ground her as she failed spectacularly.

“Okay, now tell me where you work.”

“It doesn’t matter, Clarke.”

“Except I wanna know. Why are you being so cagey?”

“I’m not,” she said quietly.

Clarke stood there staring at her for a few silent moments, frown etched deeply in the crease between her brows. “Lexa, are you, are you hiding something from me?”

Heart pounding rapidly in her chest, Lexa snapped her head up to look into eyes slowly clouding over with mistrust.

“Why would you think that?” she rushed out.

“Because you seriously won’t answer my questions. I mean, why is it so hard to get you to tell me where you work? What about where you live? You never told me that either.”

Lexa thought she was going to vomit. No, she couldn’t actually vomit, but the figment feeling of acrid bile rose in her throat as her stomach clenched painfully.

She felt like she was floating, suspended in the tumbling throws of a car crash, watching everything between them shatter in slow motion.

“Where do you live, Lexa?” Clarke prompted softly.

“Not near here, I told you I was just out walking that night.”

“But you never said where you do you live…,” she trailed off before continuing in a gentler tone. “Was I… I was right that first evening? Are you, are you homeless? Just be honest with me, baby, I won’t judge you. You can trust me, you know that.”

“I’m not homeless, Clarke,” she huffed, turning her attention back to furry focal point of refuge.

Obviously tipping the scales over into outright annoyed, Clarke put down the knife she had been holding with a sharp snap, her task of chopping peppers long forgotten. “Will you stop messing with the damn cat and talk to me? Please?” irritation evident in her voice.

Doing as she asked, Lexa placed both hands on the edges of the island that separated them, leaning her weight on her arms as she looked up timidly at the aggravated woman across from her.

“Answer my questions.”

“I am,” Lexa whispered.

“You’re not. Where do you live?”

“Not around here.”

“Goddamnit, Lexa,” Clarke smacked a hand on the tile in front of her. “Seriously? What are y-,” she stopped short, a disgusted expression coming over her face. “Oh my fucking god, are you married?”

“No!” Lexa practically shouted, horrified at the question. “Of course I’m not. Clarke, I would never do that to you. Never. Please, you have to believe me, I would never ever put you in that position or use you like that. I couldn’t, and wouldn't do that to you.”

Chest heaving slightly as though she were releasing a sigh of relief, Clarke held her eyes for a second before nodding that she believed her. Blinking a few times, Clarke took a moment to slowly look down at the island in front of her, eventually returning her gaze to Lexa. “Okay, I believe you. But Lex, you still gotta tell me these things. I mean I can’t exactly date you if I don’t even know what your last name is,” she finished exasperatedly, throwing her arms slightly in the air at her sides.

Making a split second decision and looking up to the side, Lexa’s eyes fell on the dark stained cabinets that lined the kitchen’s upper walls.

“Wood.”

“What?”

“Woods. Lex, Lexa Woods,” she stumbled out, feeling even worse for blatantly lying to innocent woman. She was disgusted with herself. Everything had spiraled so far so fast, she felt like she was drowning. How had everything fallen apart so hard, so fast?

Sighing softly, shoulders relaxing slightly, a small smile pulled at the corner of Clarke’s lips. “Lexa Woods. See, babe? That wasn’t so ba-,” cut off abruptly as at that very moment, Penelope decided she was quite tired of being ignored. In a bid to get her favorite visitor to resume their duties as Chief Head Scratcher, Penny stuck a taloned paw out, nails digging deeply into Lexa’s bare forearm. Feeling the move, a soft pinch to her senses, Lexa followed Clarke’s line of sight.

Instinctually, Lexa reached down to gently remove the imbedded claws from her skin and placed the offending paw back on the tile. Looking back up and seeing Clarke, staring slack jawed and horrified at her completely intact, unmarred skin, she realized her mistake immediately.

Several beats of erie silence passed, like the calm before a powerful storm. Lexa was frozen, watching as the woman she loved more than life itself, looked at her in fear. Slowly, wide unsettled blue eyes dragged from the inexplicably unharmed skin up to her face.

“Who, who are you?” Clarke whispered, the wonder and terror thick in her voice.

Trembling from head to toe, Lexa moved to step around the island separating them, the look of panic flashing across Clarke’s face at her movement stabbing straight through her heart.

“It’s okay, Clarke, you don’t have to be afraid,” she said reassuringly, unwittingly slipping into the tone she used on children she was called to help, her instincts to calm and soothe taking over without a thought.

“Who are you? WHAT are you?” Clarke yelped, her chest rising and falling so rapidly Lexa was afraid she’d pass out.

Taking another step closer, steeling herself against the pain of watching Clarke back away from her in equal measure, Lexa held her hands up to show her lack of being a threat. “You don’t have to be afraid, Clarke. I would never hurt you.”

“H-how are you not bleeding? I saw, I-I saw her nails go in. I saw them in your arm but… and then you, you pulled them out, you literally had to pull her claws out of you, and there’s… nothing. Not even a mark. Why are you not bleeding?” she stuttered out desperately, eyes rapidly pinging from Lexa’s perfectly fine arm to her face and back.

Taking a deep breath and making a decision to risk every single thing in her life, Lexa caught Clarke eyes in a look begging for her to understand. “We don’t feel things the same way you do,” Lexa answered gently, honestly.

“What does that mean?”

“Things don’t affect us the same way. We don’t bleed, or feel pain the way you do.”

“But what does that mean, Lexa? Who the hell is ‘we’?” Clarke strained, sounding almost like she was pleading for the answer to be something she could wrap her mind around.

“... Angels,” she said softly.

Clarke started furiously shaking her head, brows deeply knitted together. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m an angel, Clarke,” Lexa said in a soft hushed tone.

“Stop it, you sound insane, Lexa. I’ve felt you. I’ve, I’ve kissed you. You can’t, you can’t be…” she trailed off, seeming to have no idea how to complete that thought. She had backed up so far she hit the counter behind her, causing her to jump.

Every act of fear the woman presented sliced through Lexa, her heart aching at how afraid the woman was. This was her worst nightmare come true. Every single thing Anya had warned her about rang and reverberated violently in her ears.

This exact moment was what Anya had been trying to save her from. How she had blinded and tricked herself into believing this could ever work, that she could make it through this without hurting and absolutely terrifying the woman, Lexa didn’t know. Trying to calm the woman she stepped closer again, arms reaching as if to take Clarke’s hands into her own, but dropped them upon seeing the wide eyed woman shaking her rapidly.

“Clarke please, please don’t be afraid. I would never hurt you, you have to know that. Since the moment I first saw you I just wanted to take care of you. I’ve always only wanted to protect you.”

“How, how did you find me that first night?”

She blinked, not having been expecting that. But, deciding she might as well lay everything out on the table, she answered honestly.

“I was walking with you, on your way home, like I always do. You fell and I-I couldn’t leave you there. You needed help so I, I manifested so that I could help you get home safely. I never planned on showing myself to you. I was fine to just be near you, to just watch you be happy and live your life, but I promised myself a long time ago I would do whatever I could to help you and take care of you.”

“You’ve been following me?” Clarke demanded, a current of rage seeping into her voice.

“No, not- it’s not like that. We watch people, that’s our job. To protect humans and help them, either with things here on earth or to, to move forward. And I was called to help a baby, a few years back. Do you remember? Baby Boy Martin?” she paused as Clarke’s hand whipped up to cover her mouth, stifling a sharp gasp.

“What are you, how do you know about that?”

“He, he was such a fighter, and I hated it so much, Clarke,” Lexa rushed on, jumping right back in. “But it was out of my hands. And I had to help him go, you have to know there was nothing I could do to stop it. Then when I saw you there, working on him, it broke my heart knowing there was nothing to be done. And, and so, yes, then I followed you. I was there with you in that stairwell as you cried. I didn’t want you to be alone. It was like, I could feel your pain and regret in my own chest,” she stopped as her voice broke over the word, her hand coming up to cover her own heart, remembering that terrible yet life changing night.

Vaguely aware tears had started to slowly slide down her cheeks, Lexa powered on because, if nothing else, she wanted to get everything out in the open. “And you were so beautiful, Clarke. Just, everything about you. Your heart and your spirit. And how you didn’t give up. And when I touched you, it was like you could feel me too. You whipped your head around and stared right at me. It shocked me so much,” she released a watery laugh. “And I, I tried it with other people but it never happened again. Only with you. And as I got to know you I realized exactly how amazing you are, how special you are. And I just… I couldn’t stay away,” she finished softly, trying to reign in her tears with quiet sniffles.

Silence fell over the kitchen once more, Clarke staring at her, jaw clenched and eyes flicking back and forth between her own.

“So you’ve been lying to me this whole time?” Clarke seethed in a hushed tone.

“No!” Lexa pleaded, fresh tears spilling over her lashes. “No, Clarke. I-I couldn’t tell you because, because we’re not supposed to. Because people don’t understand about us. But you understand me,” she begged, gasping over her own stuttered sobs. “You know me, please baby-”

“Do NOT fucking call me that,” Clarke almost shouted. “You are a liar, Lexa. I can’t even look at you.”

“Please, Clarke, just talk to me.”

“Why are you doing this to me? How could you do this to me?”

Taking a trembling breath, Lexa sent up a silent prayer and whispered, “Because I’m in love with you.”

“Get. Out.” Clarke gritted, rage filled tears now falling from her own eyes.

“Pleas-”

“GET OUT! Get out, Lexa. I don’t want to see you. You liar!”

“Clarke, please,” she begged.

“Get out... Please go away,” Clarke whimpered and leaned backward into the counter, burying her face in her hands as her muffled sobs filled the kitchen, ringing off the tile and crashing into Lexa’s heart.

Lexa’s chest felt it had been hit with a sledgehammer, hearing those pleading muffled words. Standing there, watching this woman cry into the shallow cradle of her hands, radiating despair and betrayal. Pain and betrayal she caused.

Loathe to further the woman’s agony, Lexa immediately shifted out of Clarke’s kitchen, not knowing where else to go, she breathed only when she felt the salty breeze against her tear glazed skin.

She doubled over the second her feet felt solid ground, back breaking under the weight of her transgressions and shaking legs weak from the fallout. Her intense sobs lost to the wind off the Pacific, Lexa stumbled over to collapse at the base of a large rocky ledge, legs folded at the knees tucked beneath her and fingers trying in vain to shield her face from the shame in her soul.

She had been so stupid.

Selfish and stupid and so cruel she was disgusted with herself. She had done this to Clarke, she was the cause of every tear she was currently shedding alone in her kitchen, more than likely startled and scared from how Lexa had disappeared without a sound. Looking at the dinner turned disaster that she would have to clean up. Her words, “Liar… how could you do this to me?” played on repeat through Lexa’s mind, causing her own tears to fall harder.

Every moment of their time together rolled like a movie through her mind as she sat there, curled into herself on the dusty crest of her cliff. Every red flag, every instance of warning to how this would be the absolute catastrophe it had turned out to be. All the times she felt pangs and twists of guilt and foreboding and foreshadowing, and yet still chose to keep going. Chose to keep deluding herself and Clarke. And for what? Because she loved her? Anya had been right. She had intentionally blinded herself to the reality of what this would, and did, do to her. She had stopped thinking with her head at all and only listened to her heart, and in doing so she’d hurt her.

Her Clarke. The one she had silently promised to take care of and protect. How could she have done this?

So caught up in swirling misery and guilt and heartache, it took a moment for Lexa to register the strong sure arms wrapping around her hunched and broken body.

“It’s going to be okay, Alexandria,” she heard Anya whisper softly into her hair.

She was overcome with overwhelming affection and appreciation for the angel at her side, despite the sinking feeling of acknowledging yet another layer of her selfishness at remembering exactly how she had treated Anya through this whole debacle. Pitching herself further into Anya’s hold, Lexa buried her face in the woman’s chest as her hands clutched desperately at the fabric of her coat.

Lexa could only faintly hear the words of comfort being offered to her over the sounds of her own distraught weeping as Anya gently rocked her, running a soothing hand over her hair while whispering a soft mantra on repeat.

“You're okay... it's gonna be okay… you’re okay…”

Chapter Text

“Are you sure this is what you should be doing right now?” she asked, turning to her right and taking in the pale complexion of her friend.

Anya hated this damn bus stop. Two years of sitting here, watching as her friend fell more and more to pieces over the blonde doctor across the way. For a short time she, stupidly, thought the fallout from that fateful night would mark the end of it. That she would finally be free from smelling the faintly toxic scented fumes of belching buses and motor vehicles as they zoomed past them while she complained intermittently to her silently pining friend.

She had been wrong.

That’s how Anya found herself here yet again on that fine Thursday morning, sitting on this uncomfortable metal hunk of crap, talking while her friend barely responded to her. Only this time, she knew Lexa’s sparse words weren’t due to her usual besotted preoccupation.

Lexa was in pain. She wasn’t sure exactly what had transpired at Clarke’s apartment to cause her friend to completely shut down. Lexa didn’t offer anything beyond a brief summary of everything spiraling out, and Anya didn’t ask for more specific details.

She had no desire to make her relive the painful evening again.

She hated seeing Lexa in such pain, even if she knew it was of the woman’s own creation. Which was why she had been actively trying to get her to agree to leave. But every suggestion was turned down, every question went unanswered. All her friend seemed capable of doing was sitting silently, face blank of any emotion, as she stared vacantly at the woman in the coffee shop. It would have been more than a bit pathetic if the doctor wasn’t also sat gazing out of the window, unseeing and knowing of their presence, but with a matching look of ill-disguised heartache written across her face.

Anya had watched as the woman shuffled in and sat down with her usual morning coffee, rested her head in her hand, and never touched the beverage again.

Trying again, Anya turned to Lexa, reaching out to take her hand as she quietly implored, “This is only hurting you, Alexandria.”

Silence.

Nine days. This had been going on for nine days.

Nine nights ago, when Lexa had appeared on the clifftop she had grown particular to visiting since receiving her call to work in the L.A. area, Anya had been crushed to see the extent of her friend’s suffering. She had known. She had prayed that things would be different, but knew they probably would not be. Which was why she had decided to wait at her friend’s place of refuge. Just in case. And when Lexa had materialized only to immediately collapsed, Anya felt her heart crack open at the sight.

She did not revel or rejoice in Lexa’s misery, she did not care that she had been right despite being ignored. The opposite in fact. She almost wished she would have tried harder to talk Lexa out of her ill-fated plan. She had no idea what the woman had been thinking, what she thought the outcome of getting romantically involved with a human in any way would be, but all the same she would never wish this on anyone, much less Lexa.

So now she was stuck here, each day the same and not getting any better. If anything, Lexa seemed to be getting worse. Her skin was pale white, the usual blush of her cheeks had long since vanished, all life and jokes and smiles had ceased from that night onward. She looked so small sitting there beside her without her usual coat, having left Clarke’s without it and not returned.

It was like she had become a shell of herself.

She wanted to help. She needed to help. She couldn’t watch this go on anymore. Originally she had thought Lexa would, yes, be hurt and heartbroken, but she had honestly never imagined it would be this bad. The intensity of her sorrow echoed in Anya’s chest every time she was near. She was this close to stepping in but, she just… needed more time.

More information.

Rallying herself again, Anya tried a different approach. “Maybe… if you tried going to play with the kids for awhile? They always cheer you up, right?”

Surprisingly, that got an answer.

“No.”

Fantastic.

Pushing through her mild frustration, Anya persisted, “Why not? You love it there.”

“Because, if she saw me or heard I was there from any of the kids it would make her angrier, or sadder, and I don’t want that,” Lexa answered quietly without moving, her voice sounding hollow and distant.

“You don’t know that, Alexandria. You really think Miss. Doctor-Of-Ankle-Biters is going to get upset if someone comes around to brighten up the kids’ day?”

Finally, Lexa turned her eyes to her, but they were dull and empty of the shine Anya associated with the green-grey depths. “She hates me,” Lexa said blandly. “She called me a liar and told me she couldn’t even look at me. Even if there was a chance she wouldn’t be mad, I’m not doing that to her.” Apparently done with the subject, Lexa turned back to look across the street.

“Is that why you haven’t visited her since that night?” Anya asked after taking several moments to weigh the probability of Lexa getting up and leaving her there. Seeing her friend’s jaw clench and tick to the side, she knew she was treading on thin ice. Rushing on, Anya softened her tone further, “I just mean, the last week all you’ve done is answer calls and sit at your cliff... But you still come here. Why? If you’re not just going to go back to what you were doing before, or if you decided you’re going to pull back completely, why still do… this? Why put yourself through this?” she said, motioning between Lexa and Clarke.

Lexa was quiet for a long while, long enough that Anya didn’t think she was going to get an answer. But as the woman across the road pushed her untouched latte away and stood to collect her things, she heard a small sniffle to her right. Giving her friend the option to play it off as nothing, Anya kept her eyes on the woman as she walked out of the small coffee shop and paused, looking up and down the sidewalk discreetly, almost hopefully, before biting her lip and taking off at a brisk pace towards the corner.

Only when Clarke had disappeared from sight did Lexa softly respond, “Even if she hates me… I’m still in love with her.”

By the time she looked back to where her friend sat next to her, Lexa was already gone.

Perfect.

Sighing deeply, she officially decided this couldn’t go on any longer. She was going to have to do something.

//////////////////////////////

 

Walking the brightly painted halls of the community hospital’s pediatric floor, Anya did not at all see why Lexa chose to hang out here when she was down. It smelled vaguely of chemicals and plastic mixed with cheap laundry detergent and artificial bubble gum scented stickers.

She got that children weren’t her calling, but still. They couldn’t have gone with something a little less nauseating than bubble gum?

Shaking her head and keepin’ it movin’, Anya meandered the halls of the ward until she found the place she was looking for. She strode up to the large round nurses station, currently decorated in what appeared to be… hand shaped cut-outs that had been scribbled on, glued, and glittered up to look like little jazzy turkeys.

‘Humans and their holidays,’ she fondly thought to herself.

“Can I help you, Miss?” the older woman behind the counter asked politely, eyeing Anya’s attire interestedly.

Internally shaking her head and guessing the connection she was making, Anya just nodded before replying. “Yyyyeah um, where can I find Dr. Griffin? Clarke... Griffin?” she asked awkwardly.

“May I ask why you’re looking for her?”

“No,” Anya shrugged, ever the people person.

“Well, ma’am, without a reason I can’t exactly pull her away from her patients,” she said sounding slightly offended.

Annoyed at the nosey woman, Anya rolled her eyes and leaned against the counter. “Listen, she and I have a friend in common. And I need to talk to her about that friend. You’ve probably seen her around. Long brown hair, kind of a big forehead, about yay tall… dresses exactly like me.”

“Oh, you mean the woman who sometimes visits the kids during playtime? She’s great with them I hear, she actually helped with these decora-”

“Yeah, yeah, that’s her,” Anya cut her off with a hand wave before the woman could start whimsically going on and on about the good-hearted dolt that was her best friend. “So, I need to talk to Clarke about this friend, but they’re kind of, not talking right now. So she can’t know that that’s what I’m here to talk about otherwise she won’t... talk... to me, get it?” she finished, the word ‘talk’ having lost all meaning in her head.

The nurse just stared for a moment, brow quirked at the strange woman. “That sounds kind of high school-ish, don’t you think?”

“You have no idea,” Anya breathed, hanging her dramatically before pulling back up and smiling sadly. “But, it’s something I have to do. For our friend and for Dr. Griffin. So, please? Where can I find her?”

The nurse seemed to consider the entire thing, tilting her head as if a different angle would give her a better perspective of the whole ridiculous story, before shaking her head with a sigh. “Yes alright. She should be in her office right now, but she’s a busy body so if she doesn’t answer when you knock just come back and I’ll page her. She’s down that hall, take a right past the playroom, then a left. Two doors on your left.”

“God bless you,” Anya sighed loudly, earning a chuckle from the nurse in question.

In no real rush, she meandered down the hallway towards what she assumed must be the playroom that Lexa had an affinity towards. Coming to a stop in front of the large window, Anya noticed the room was currently empty except one person. An adult woman with curly dark hair and smooth brown skin was in the middle of putting a set of brightly colored legos into a large crate overflowing with various toys and stuffed animals. Spending a moment to take in the spot her friend had spent so much time over the years in, Anya reached up to measure the size of her hand against one of the tiny painted prints that adorned the glass, somewhat in awe of how small they really were.

Caught up in scrutinizing the different little finger prints on the various little primary colored hands, she didn’t hear the sound of athletic shoes squeaking down the opposite hallway toward her. What she did hear was the loud startled gasp, followed immediately by the sound of papers scattering across the floor. Turning to see who had arrived, rich brown eyes fell on none other than Clarke Griffin.

The woman stood there silently staring at her, a hand pressed against her chest to calm her erratic heartbeat. Taking a few steadying breaths, Clarke quickly looked around the deserted hallway before focusing back on Anya.

“Are, are you-” she stopped at the small nod from Anya. “Are you here for…” she trailed off, motioning generally to the rooms and walls around them.

“No, Clarke. I’m here for you,” she said quietly.

Seeing the horror stricken look on her face, Anya immediately rolled her eyes, shaking her head as she quickly waved a hand in the air at the woman and said louder, “No, no, sto- calm down. Not like that. Sorry, bad phrasing.”

Oops.

Well. She’s gonna get an earful about that one eventually, she just knows it.

Clarke seemed to sigh in relief, putting her hands on her hips as she blinked a few times to get her head back on straight before looking at Anya. “Well then, why is one of… your kind,” she winced at how that sounded, but kept going, “here? And, visible.”

Anya shot her an exasperated look, eyebrow raised as if to say, ‘Why do ya think?’

“... Are you here about her?” Clarke asked hesitantly.

“If by ‘her’ you mean Alexandria, then yes.”

“I don’t want to talk about her,” Clarke said as she bent down and started rapidly gathering the papers she had dropped.

Walking over and squatting down, effectively allowing her to help collect the papers as well as be in Clarke’s line of sight, Anya retorted with a bored, “Yes, you do.”

“No, I don’t. She lied to me,” the flustered woman said once she had grabbed the last paper. Both standing at the same time, Clarke unceremoniously ripped the papers out of Anya’s hands and turned on her heel.

Following closely, Anya muttered a quiet ‘you’re as rude as she is’ before stating in a louder voice, “Yes, okay, she lied. By omission for the most part. Which I agree is still wrong but you kind of need to take into consideration the fact we’re not supposed to tell you guys anything about us.”

“Yeah well, according to her you guys aren’t supposed to even show yourselves but that didn’t stop her,” Clarke huffed, still walking briskly with Anya right by her side.

“True, and I told her that many times. It was crappy and unfair, but here we are. So instead of focusing on the past let's deal with what’s going on right now.”

“I’m not dealing with anything… whatever your name is, because there’s nothing to deal with. She’s an angel, I mean what the hell am I supposed to do with that?” Clarke raged quietly as they reached her office door, quickly unlocking it to step inside, conscious of tiny ears within shouting distance.

“It’s Anya, and I’m not here to ask you to deal with her being an angel, I’m here to ask what you would do if she weren’t an angel,” she rushed out, sticking her foot in between the door and the frame before Clarke could slam it shut in her face. Not that she couldn’t just move herself inside anyway, but she felt that would be the wrong way to go about this.

She must have been right, considering her words caused Clarke to completely freeze her motions.

They stood staring at each other for several seconds before Clarke seemed to realize the woman wasn’t going to add to that. “What are you talking about? She is what she is.”

Anya looked up and down the hallways, noticing a few doctors and nurses had filtered out of various rooms. “Maybe we should take this inside?” she said, nodding her chin at the inside of the office. “Not exactly a topic we need to be broadcasting to the entire population of the pediatrics floor.”

“What? No. Like I said, there’s no point.”

Pinching the bridge of her nose and counting to five, Anya ran her tongue annoyedly over her teeth before responding in an exceedingly dry tone. “You’re really gonna make me pull the ‘you’re denying a request from a heavenly being’ card? Cuz I’ll do it. I’ve spent nine long... lllllloooong, days dealing with this. All I am asking for, is two minutes of your time. And then I’m gone. Okay? Please? For the greater good and whatnot.”

Looking more than a little bit pissed, Clarke rolled her eyes before stepping away from the door and walking to her desk. She tossed the papers onto the wooden surface in front of her while plopping down in her large black swivel chair. “A week ago I didn’t even know for sure angels existed, now I can’t get you people to leave me alone.”

“You’re never alone, Clarke,” Anya said in a wobbly ghost sounding voice as she shut the door behind her. She chuckled, then stopped when she saw the murderous look on Clarke’s face.

Well, she thought she was funny anyway.

Walking over and smoothly sinking down into one of the ugly taupe colored upholstered hospital chairs that sat in front of Clarke’s desk, Anya took a deep breath, steepled her fingers together across her abdomen and waited, looking at Clarke expectantly.

“What?”

“What?”

“Why are you just staring at me?” Clarke huffed, agitation rising under intense eyes.

“I’m waiting for you to answer my question.”

“I did! Out there.”

“Mm, no. You did not.”

“Who even are you?” Clarke asked, starting to sound tired of the whole interaction.

“I told you my name.”

“Jesus christ,” the woman breathed as she reached up to rub her temples.

“Nah, that wasn’t it,” Anya said with a grin.

“Let me rephrase, Anya” Clarke dropped her hands and said slowly, like she was talking to a very stupid person, “Why are you, some random ass angel, here, in my office, trying to talk to me about… her.” The last word came out almost brokenly, despite how hard she tried to clench her jaw against it.

Softening, Anya sighed before leaning forward, resting her elbows on her knees. “Because Alexandria is my best friend in, quite literally, the entire universe. And I want what’s best for her.”

“And you knew about what she was doing?” Clarke asked quietly after a moment.

“I did,” Anya said, nodding slowly. “I didn’t agree with it, I told her it was a bad idea.” she stopped for a moment, collecting her thoughts before starting again. “You know, she’s smart. I mean she's a complete idiot but… smart. She’s always followed the rules, put her duties before everything like we’re supposed to. She was always just kind of, existing. I mean in all fairness that’s basically what we all do, that’s just our path. We hang around and do our job and that’s pretty much it. But, when she met you… She changed a lot.”

“How so?” Clarke whispered despite herself, staring her fingers as they worried the edge of a paper.

“Well for starters, she broke the most basic of rules for our kind,” Anya said drolly. “But also… she smiled. She was never big on smiling before. She took everything so seriously... And she started laughing more too, even at my jokes. Which are brilliant, she just has a terrible sense of humor.” ‘So do you, apparently,’ she thought silently, before continuing. “But it, it was like she lit up. And that was before she even got to talk to you. Do you have any idea how unbearable she was after all this started?” Anya scoffed. “I mean she looked like a total nerd just sitting there smiling while sitting on top of a cliff. It was ridiculous, I wanted to slap her.”

“You sound like a great friend,” Clarke interjected, rolling her eyes.

“Thank you,” Anya nodded seriously, not losing momentum. “My point being, she didn’t do this to hurt you. Because for whatever reason, she feels a very real, very deep connection to you. Obviously. So my question is this: do you feel the same way?”

Clarke seemed to take a few moments to digest everything she had just heard before responding quietly, “What does it matter what I feel? Like you’ve said, there’s rules against all of this.”

“Rules don’t really seem to apply when it comes to you two,” Anya said succinctly.

“Except they do. I mean, we can’t… she can’t live with me, right? Other than just popping in and out whenever? Oh yeah, that’s a real fun party trick, by the way,” Clarke spat. “I mean she doesn’t even age does she? She’s always gonna look like that? I can see it now. ‘Hey mom, me and my eternally young girlfriend are here for Christmas!’,” she said in a mockingly cheerful tone. “Or better yet, my wrinkly 80-year-old ass walking down the street holding hands with her. That’d really be something. And! And, just an educated guess, I’m thinking the whole not drinking thing is a rule too, right? So, what? Does that mean all earthly indulgences are out? No eating? No smoking? No sex? I can’t even sleep with her, can I?”

“I knew you wanted to jump her bones, man I called that so fast,” Anya interjected smugly with devilish glee and vindication.

“Can you fucking focus?” Clarke seethed with widen infuriated eyes, having built a pretty decent head of steam in her ranting.

“What? She’d be delighted at the news,” Anya shrugged.

“Well it doesn’t fucking matter because it can’t happen,” she snapped.

“But you would if you could?”

“It. Doesn’t. Matter. We can’t be together. We can’t have a life together.”

“Okay but, hypothetically, if you could be togeth-”

“Of course I fucking would,” Clarke shouted, slapping a hand on her desk as her eyes flooded with tears, startling Anya enough sit back in her chair. “Of course I would be with her. I was with her! I barely knew her for two goddamn weeks and I was already there. Do you have any idea how insane this has all been, even before finding out she’s not even a human? I’m a doctor. I’m logical and calculating with everything I do, but from that first night I couldn’t get her out of my head. All I wanted was to be around her. And even now, I want to hate her so much... but I can’t. I can’t,” angry tears were rapidly streaking down her face by now, as she pressed a desperate hand to her chest. “Because she’s here, all of the time. I should hate her, but all I want is her back. I just want her back. I feel like I can’t breathe sometimes... And I don’t care, I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense and I don’t care if it’s just because she’s an angel because for me, to me, it’s just her. Her smile and her voice and her eyes... and the absolutely ridiculous fucking things she says... I miss her so much it hurts. All I want is her back, okay? ... But I can’t have that. I don’t get to have that... So stop fucking asking me what I would do if I could. Please, just stop. Stop,” she choked out the last few words, leaning forward to rest her arms on the desk in front of her and bury her hands in her hair as she continued to cry.

Anya sat perfectly still through it all, taking in everything the woman had said, the whole situation much clearer to her now. She watched and waited silently until Clarke’s breathing became more steady, her sobs subsiding into hiccuping sniffles as she leaned back from her desk, obviously trying to collect herself. Wordlessly, Anya reached forward to grab a tissue out of the decorative box on Clarke’s desk, moving to hand it to the woman.

“Th-thank you,” Clarke hiccuped, her voice sounding gravely and strained.

“‘S okay… You’re not a very pretty crier.”

Clarke shot her an incredulous look as she mopped up the moisture on her face and nose, “You’re really rude for an angel.”

“Sorry, jeez,” she grimaced.

“It’s just weird... She’s so nice and you’re so, like that.”

“Like what?” Anya demanded.

“Rude,” Clarke reiterated is if it should’ve been obvious.

“I like to think of it as honest but still, I apologized,” Anya said, mildly offended.

“Yeah, well, compared to her you don’t act very angelic.”

“I’m a different kind of angel than Alexandria,” she shrugged.

“What kind are you?” Clarke asked confusedly.

That made her sit up straighter. Clearing her throat, Anya shook her head dismissively, “That’s none of your business. Anyway, thank you for talking to me. It was very enlightening.” Clapping her hands against her knees, she got up and headed toward the door.

“Hey, wait!” Clarke yelped.

Turning back around, Anya just raised an eyebrow in question.

“That’s it? You just come here and ask if I could be with her, would I do it, and then leave?”

“Yes,” she said matter-of-factly.

“What the hell?”

“I needed to know something, and you provided the answer. We’re done here,” she said plainly turning again and reaching for the door handle.

“You really showed up here, watched me cry my eyes out, and are just leaving? That’s it, that’s the whole visit?”

“Yes,” she said, already halfway out of the door. “Thank you for your time.” With that, she closed the door gently and started back done the hall, just as she had arrived.

////////////////////////////////////////////

 

She wasn’t surprised to find Lexa sitting there on the edge of the cliff looking out over the midmorning’s rolling waves. After dismissing herself from the chat with Clarke, Anya had found the nearest deserted bathroom available and shifted herself to the rocky cliff, knowing that was more than likely where her friend would be camped.

Just as she had been for the previous nine days.

She stood there silently for several moments, the end of her long coat billowing gently in the fresh salted air, wanting to give Lexa enough time to pull herself together if need be. Expecting the silent allowance of her presence, Anya eventually moved closer to where her friend sat, her legs dangling limp over the edge, vacant stare cast out to the field of blue in front of her. Fluidly lowering herself to sit beside her, Anya took a wordless moment to gently wrap an arm around Lexa’s shoulders, softly tipping her into her side. Glad that she hadn’t put up a fight, and seeing it as an affirmative that she wouldn’t be shut down the second she opened her mouth, Anya broke the silence.

“How are you doing?”

Not surprised that she was met with silence, Anya sighed deeply, trying to figure out a way to broach this topic gracefully and with poise. She needed to ease into this.

“So I went and talked to Clarke.”

“You did what?” Lexa shouted, shooting back from where she rested on her shoulder, face filled with horrified rage.

“Calm down,” Anya shushed.

“No! I will not calm down, what is wrong with you? Why would you do that?” she thundered, her voice growing in intensity the longer she spoke.

“Well I had some questions that I-”

“I cannot believe this. I cannot believe you did this! After everything that happened. How could do this? To her? When you know I don’t want to cause her anymo-”

“If you’ll just lis-”

“-pain. I thought you were my friend. I thought you cared abou-”

“DUDE!” Anya finally shouted, halting Lexa’s increasingly frantic tirade, then taking a second to make sure the woman had really stopped. “You?” she waved a hand in front Lexa’s entire form, ”Have got to chill. Just calm down for a second, okay?” Lexa was still breathing rapidly, jaw clenched so hard it looked like it hurt, eyes fiery with anger and hurt. Despite that though, she eventually gave a curt nod for Anya to continue. “Okay, thank you.”

Several beats of silence passed, Anya using the time to shake her head as she looked back out over the water.

So much for graceful and poised.

Apparently coming to the end of her patience, Lexa seethed, “What. Happened.”

“We talked,” she said simply. When Lexa opened her mouth wide to obviously start yelling again, Anya threw her hand up before rushing on, “We talked, because I had some questions. About stuff. I needed to put some things into perspective for myself. Or, well… I just needed to know some things. And she helped me figure out what I have to do.”

“What, on earth, did you possibly need to talk to her about? Especially after I told you I didn’t want to put her through any more,” Lexa quietly raged in an attempt to not be cut off again.

“That’s not important right now, what is important is that we have somewhere we need to go.”

Lexa looked stunned for a moment before she burst out in mirthless, derisive laughter. “I’m not going anywhere with you. I’m so angry I want to kick you off this cliff. Are you out of your mind?”

Anya sat there, looking at her boredly until she was finished. When her friend whipped back around to look outward again, she felt safe enough to speak. “Well, color me grateful that you haven’t done that. But believe me, you wanna go with me. So let’s go, champ,” she said, patting Lexa roughly on the arm and hopped up, holding a hand out for Lexa to take.

Turning around and looking incredulously at her, Lexa batted Anya’s hand away. “Get away from me.”

Unfazed, Anya kept nudging Lexa’s shoulder, “Nah for real, come on... Up, up, up. We gotta go.”

“I’m not going anywhere. Leave,” Lexa seethed, throwing her shoulder back against the tapping hand.

“Alexandria. Get. Up… C’mon, seriously. I think it’s about lunch time for her, so she’s probably free right now. Come on, let’s go.”

That got Lexa’s attention.

Shooting up from her spot on the ledge, Lexa rounded on Anya so fast the angel had to lean several inches back to avoid knocking noses. “I am not going to see Clarke, why you would even-”

“Ew, oh! Ew, no,” Anya grimaced, horrified at the very thought herself. “Lord, no. That would be terrible. Are you crazy? No, we’re not going to see Clarke, we’re going somewhere else.”

Realizing that her assumption had been wrong, Lexa blew out a minor breath of relief before folding her arms in front of her. “I’m still not going anywhere with you, traitor.”

Rolling her eyes deeply, Anya decided to pull out the big guns in a last ditch effort. “Look Alexandria, I just need you trust me on this.”

“Like I trusted you before?”

“No, like you didn’t trust me when all this began.”

That shut Lexa right up.

Anya wasn’t happy to have to pull that but man, this girl does not listen. Feeling awful at the guilty look Lexa was now directing at her shoes, Anya softened completely and stepped forward, placing a gentle hand on her forearm to get her to look up. “I’m sorry. That’s not a weapon I want to use, but I really, really… need you to trust me right now,” she implored, holding steady eye-contact through every word. “If at the end, you’re not okay with everything she has to say, we leave and never talk about it again. You don’t even have to talk to me ever again if you don’t want.”

“Shut up,” Lexa quietly grumped.

“Okay, good. Now we really do have to go, like, now. Just synce with me.”

“... Fine,” Lexa huffed after a long moment, closing her eyes, tuning into Anya’s energy.

A second later, the ground felt solid beneath their feet again. Opening her eyes, Anya saw she indeed was in the same kitchen she had visited a handful of times before, though the last time had been more than a few years ago. There was rain beating against the slightly open window off to her right and she could feel the chill of the late year breeze drifting through. Turning to look at Lexa, Anya couldn’t help but snicker at the completely bewildered look on her friends face she took in the very country styled kitchen they stood in.

“Is this…” Lexa trailed off, seeming to have lost the ability to fully form sentences in her confusion.

“Yeah this is where we’re supposed to be,” Anya chuckled.

“In…?”

“Illinois. Yep. This is where she lives. I have no idea why because it’s legit nothing but cornfields around here, but,” she shrugged. “Anyway. See? I told you she’d probably be eating lunch right now,” she said, pointing to the older woman slowly working her way through a small sandwich as she sat at a decent sized mahogany kitchen table. She looked to be about 70-years-old, wearing a black long sleeved button down and jeans. Her hair, long since greyed, was pulled back into a tight braid and a pair of glasses sat perched atop her head. “You have to admit, my intelligence is dazzling,” Anya sniffed.

“And it’s lunchtime here,” Lexa said distractedly, looking all around the cutely rustic style decorated room as if it held clues as to why they were there. “What is goin-”

“Shshsh, just wait. I think you’ll like this. Just watch,” Anya smiled mischievously, gesturing to the only other being in the room.

They watched as the woman set down her sandwich and folded one arm in front of her, the other reaching to take a sip of her glass of milk. Setting the drink down gently, the woman lifted her head to the room in general and said in a voice much sturdier than one would expect, “I know you’re there.”

Delighted, Anya snorted as she watched Lexa’s jaw fall open, her eyes darting rapidly from the woman to Anya and back. “Yeah, I thought you’d like that.”

“What is happe-” Lexa breathlessly tried before the woman unknowingly cut through her words with a scoff.

“Fine, be that way. Whatever this is about, the answer’s probably ‘No’ anyway so,” she flipped a dissmissive hand in the air before going back to her lunch.

“Well, that’s no way to be welcoming, Barb,” Anya said with a grin, manifesting in an instant. She ignored the shocked look on Lexa’s face as she strode over to the woman and sat down beside her at the table. “How you doing, old girl?”

A genuine smile now adorned her old friend’s face as she held out a hand in greeting to Anya, squeezing her fingers lightly before releasing them. “Just fine, dear. Still look better than you, I see,” she laughed.

“No one looks better than me,” Anya very seriously declared.

The woman just hummed before pausing, “Is your friend not gonna show themselves or…?”

“Yeah Alexandria, don’t be rude,” she drawled, gently kicking out the seat next to her at the table. Noticing her frozen friend was obviously having a difficult time getting her brain to fire off synapses to create coherent thoughts or commands, Anya rolled her eyes and tried a different tack. “Seriously Alexandria. I brought you here to talk to her. Trust me, you want to. Now do your thing and come sit down.”

Blinking a few times, Lexa seemed to come to herself before materializing and walking slowly over. It was hilarious to see this angel who had spent almost two weeks randomly visible for hours on end now act like a baby deer tiptoeing across the kitchen. When Lexa finally slunk down into the offered chair, Barb tossed a welcoming hand out across the table to her, a jovial quality to her voice as she smiled brightly. “Nice to meet you, Barbara Cleets.”

“You’re never that nice to me,” Anya said dryly.

“You don’t deserve it,” Barb clapped back as she shook Lexa’s hand, smile never wavering. Pulling back, she looked between the two angels at her table expectantly. “Now, I know this can’t be the good call home, so… what’s up?”

“Well, Barb, my friend here… has gone and fallen for a human,” Anya sighed, mildly mimicking the woman’s slightly country accent. Used to Anya’s antics, but unprepared for *that*, the woman’s eyebrows shot up her forehead.

“Oh. Okay, now I see. In that case this can wait till later,” she said as she slid her plate off to the side and rested her hands fully in front of her. “How you holding up, sweetheart?” she asked gently, gaze directed at Lexa. Although, judging by the deep furrowed brow, mouth hanging wide open and grey eyes that looked like they were trying to solve an advanced calculus problem, Anya wasn’t quite sure was taking anything in at the moment.

“You in there?” she asked, leaning over slightly and waving a hand in front of Lexa’s face, hoping it’d help snap her out of it. Slowly, Lexa’s head turned from where she had been staring at the woman… to stare at Anya instead.

“What is going on? Who is this?” she whispered, expression never changing.

“Oh jesus, Anya, you didn’t tell the poor girl who the hell I was before you brought her here?” the woman scoffed.

Anya just shrugged, “I didn’t think she’d believe me.”

“Anya, what’s going on?” Lexa asked again, minutely louder than before.

“Sweetheart, stop talking to her, she’s useless,” Barb interjected, causing Lexa’s eyes to swing back around. “Let me try that again. Name’s Barbara Cleets, and I happen to be a former member of the celestial body of angels, just like yourself.”

Anya watched as Lexa’s jaw snapped shut with an audible click as she reared her head back in confusion before looking back and forth between the two. Realizing the woman was probably waiting for the punchline, Anya nodded solemnly to let Lexa know in no uncertain terms, no, she had not misheard and, no, this was definitely not a joke.

///////////////////////////////

The look on Lexa’s face was… concerning.

Her extended silence even more so, but the fact that she hadn’t immediately got up to leave, well... Anya decided to take that as a good sign. She was listening, her mind was open-

“You’re lying,” Lexa said flatly.

Never mind.

“I assure you, dear, I am not,” Barb said pleasantly.

“Anya, this isn’t funny.”

“Wasn’t meant to be funny. I mean your face has been hilarious, but this,” she motioned to Barbara, “isn’t.”

Lexa turned back to elderly woman across from her, eyes roaming her entire figure before stating a firm, “Prove it,” the challenge clear in her voice.

“Oh, she’s got some fire,” Barbara chuckled good-naturedly, looking back to Anya.

“Children,” Anya said quietly, tilting her head in Lexa’s direction.

A look of awed understanding came over the woman’s features as she turned her gaze to Lexa again. “I didn’t realize. Well, then it is exceptionally nice to meet you, Alexandria,” she said sincerely, reaching across the table to cover Lexa’s hand gently with her own. “The work you do is good. You’re special, and strong, otherwise you wouldn’t have been chosen for that. Never forget that.” Eye’s blown wide open and bottom lip tucked slightly in, Lexa nodded softly once. ”Now, as for proving it, I don’t really know what you’re looking for. But, let me ask you some questions instead. Do you guys still like to gather at sunrise and sunset? Considering you’re with Anya I’m guessing you just shifted from California? You still based in Los Angeles, Anya?”

“Mhm,” she hummed.

“It took you a fraction of a second to get here, right? When you get called to perform a task, do you get a tingle in your chest? It’s different for everyone, I know. Mine was more like a chime. I miss that sometimes, still. More now that Irene is gone.”

“Irene?” Lexa whispered.

“Mmm, my wife. She went home, three years ago this past April. I miss her everyday, but… I’ll see her again, I know that. For now, though, I gotta stick around here. Got grandbabies to take care of,” she smiled softly, only the ghost of melancholy coloring her features.

“You fell in love with a human too?” Lexa breathed, leaning forward across the table and hanging on to every word, apparently having decided the woman was being honest about her previous status in the universe. “Was it, before? Before you became…?”

“Yeah, she’s why I decided to fall,” Barbara said fondly, smile turning brighter at the memory.

“I told you you’d wanna talk to her,” Anya said smugly.

Swallowing harshly, Lexa’s hands shook against the smooth dark grain of the wooden table beneath her fingers. “Tell m-, please, tell me what happened. If you don’t mind.”

“What would you like to know, sweetheart?”

“Everything,” Lexa nodded rapidly. “Anything. How’d you meet? How, how did you fall in love? How do you know Anya? How did she- Irene, I mean, how did she take it when she found out about us? About you?”

“Oh, no. No, I never told her about that. She was wonderful and so so bright, but that would have been too much for her. Humans just… some things are just too big for them to handle, don’t you think?”

Anya snorted at the irony of that. Lexa whipped her head around to glare at her, as she raised her hands in defeat. “Sorry, sorry,” she said through poorly concealed snickering.

“What am I missing?” Barbara smiled between the two.

Gathering from the bowed head of her silent friend that Lexa wasn’t planning on fielding that one, Anya rolled her eyes and spoke. “Einstein over there showed herself to the human she’s goo-goo-eyed over, went on dates, kissed her, then got fronted out by a cat.”

Barbara’s jaw dropped as she stared at Lexa, eyes wide as saucers. “What in heaven’s name possessed you to think that was a good idea?”

“I don’t know, it was a whole thing and her ank-… wait, stop," she cut off, shaking her head. "how did you do it then? If you didn’t show yourself, how did you fall in love and marry her?” Lexa asked, head turning to look confusedly at the woman.

“Sweetheart, I fell before I ever introduced myself.”

“I don’t understand what that means.”

“I gave up my wings before I ever talked to her. I jumped, then pursued her,” Barbara said, shaking her head like she couldn’t understand the thought of going about it any other way.

Hindsight, ya know.

Seeming to rally past her guilt (and embarrassment), Lexa squared her shoulders a bit and huffed, “Yeah, okay.”

“Can I ask about the cat part?”

“No. How do you know Anya? And how, how did you get to be like... this?” Lexa plunged ahead, obviously trying to ignore how red her ears were getting. Anya just shook her head, mouthing a silent ‘I’ll tell you later,’ to Barb. The woman nodded covertly as she turned back toward Lexa.

“As for Anya, I know her through my father-in-law. Many years back, my wife and I flew out to California to visit. Her father had retired there about ten years prior, and he was doing pretty poorly at the time. We couldn’t afford to move out there to be with him and God knows his stubborn ass wouldn’t move back here, so we visited when we could. This barrel of sunshine,” she said, hiking a thumb in Anya’s direction, ”was assigned to him.”

Everyone ignored Anya’s patronizing seated bow.

“I knew right off the bat who and what she was,” Barb continued. “Besides the clothes being a dead giveaway, she’s honestly not as slick as she thinks she is. ‘Uh, no family here. Just like to visit. Not that it’s your business.’ Yeah okay,” she finished, rolling her eyes. “So I told her about myself and what I had done years ago.”

Lexa nodded slowly as she absorbed the new information about her friend. She turned to Anya directly before speaking. “How could you have never told me this?” she asked quietly.

Sighing deeply, Anya folded her hands on the table in front of her. “This happened long before I met you, Alexandria.”

“But after. Even with, when you found out about how I felt about Clarke you still said nothing. You let me believe there was no… You knew I wanted to be with her and you didn’t tell me this? How could you do that?” The hurt in her voice had Anya feeling a roll of shame in her gut.

“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think it would last. I didn’t think you’d keep liking her. And then when you did, I thought... well even if you liked her, there was no guarantee Clarke would like you back.”

“But you didn’t give me the option, Anya. You knew I thought, even though I tried, you knew I thought it was impossible to be with her the way I want. You told me that. You said those exact words when you knew, this whole time.”

Anya took several seconds to consider exactly how she could put this without it sounding as horrible as it did in her head. “I… on some level, I didn’t want to lose you either… You’re my best friend, Alexandria. And I, I was afraid that it wouldn’t work out. That you’d decide to go for it, that you’d give this up, and then it wouldn’t work out. But I’d still be left here. And I’d have to watch you be heartbroken from a distance, forever. That scared me.”

“But you, you… as my friend, you should have told me. I trusted you. When I was terrified of what was happening, I trusted you with my thoughts and my feelings. And you let me think-” she cut off, sinking back into her chair and shaking her head in disbelief.

“I know. Believe me, I know. I made the wrong call,” she said, leaning forward to try and catch Lexa’s eyes. “And this last week, it woke me up. To the role I played in all of this and how I was responsible in a way. But I was still scared, that’s why I went to talk to Clarke.”

At that Lexa’s head snapped up as she stared in horrified shock. “You told her about this?”

“No, no. This isn’t her decision to make, it’s yours. I just needed to know how she felt. I needed to know if, if you decided to do this… if she was going to be there. For you I mean. Or, if everything that went down between you two was too much. I didn’t want to… plant the idea, only for it all to be for nothing.”

“That wasn't your decision to make either, Anya, you have to know that,” Lexa said with exasperation and hurt. “You should have told me regardless of her feelings. Or your feelings. You should have told me this because you wanted me to ultimately be free to decide what I wanted for myself.”

“If I may jump in here,” Barbara said gently, reminding them both of her presence. “In Anya’s defense, and that’s not something I’ve ever been keen to do,” she grinned, ignoring the angel in question’s scowl, “I understand her decision. Listen, sweetheart, I know exactly where you’re coming from. I was you. Granted, I had the sense not to start anything until I was human, but essentially, I was you,” she smiled sadly for a long moment.

Taking a deep breath, she continued, “The only way I found out about becoming human was by accident. I actually was talking to Him and just blurted it out without thinking. That I would give it all up, that I’d give up forever, if I could be with her. And He just… put the way to make that happen in my head. I mean, He *does* know. He knows what you’re thinking and how you feel in your heart... Let me ask you, has he ever interrupted your time with her? Like on those dates? Despite those being just a terrible judgement call on your part. Girly, I’m sorry, but it’s true... But have you been called away from her while you were with her?"

Barbara watched and nodded as the realization dawned on Lexa, her face looking like she just found out where babies come from. “Thought not. But He doesn’t just run around shouting it out. So, it’s not common knowledge. I mean, you know, it’s not exactly like everyone walks around asking about how to become human either.”

“Valid point, thank you, Barb,” Anya said.

Rolling her eyes, Barbara didn’t miss a beat. “And like Anya said, she was being selfish. It happens, no one is perfect. We… you guys help humans out, but you can still screw up in your own lives. Were you not doing the very same thing to Clarke? Just in a different way? Letting her feelings grow and making decisions without all of the information?”

Lexa nodded meekly, guiltily, at that.

“Anya was being stupid, and thoughtless, and selfish,” Barbara continued, raising her voice slightly to be heard over Anya’s grumbled ‘Okay, we get it’, “but her heart was in the right place. And she figured out where she went wrong eventually, and now you’re here. So let’s focus on that, shall we, dear?” She waited until Lexa had a few moments to gather her thoughts and agree before asking, “Good, now is there anything else you’d like to know?”

Lexa placed slightly shaky hands back on the table as she looked into the aged, deep brown eyes staring softly at her. “H-how, how did you do it? How do you… become a human?” she asked timidly.

“Just like I said, you fall,” Barbara stated matter of factly.

“I don’t know what you mean by that though.”

“You just do it. You go someplace tall, doesn’t matter where, just has to be up high. High enough a human wouldn’t be able to survive. I think it has to do with doing away with your old self and being reborn, so to speak. Something like that. I’m not sure, there wasn’t exactly a tutorial,” she chuckled, “Anyway, you go, and you fall. Or jump, you get the idea. You just make up your mind that this is what you want, and you do it.”

“Just like that? You just think, ‘I want to be human’ and... fall?”

“Mhm. I don’t think you have to use those words but, more or less. You’ll feel a pull, to shift, since we’re not used to falling. But if you know in your heart this is what you want, you won’t do it. And when you wake up you’ll be… you. A little roughed up, hungry and thirsty and tired. That never really goes away as a human, just a heads up. But you’ll be... happy. You’ll just be little ol’... new you,” she finished with a grin.

“If that’s what you decide to do,” Anya interjected. Barbara just held Lexa’s gaze, a knowing glint shining through her dark eyes, as if the two held a secret between them.

“And it was worth it? You got to, to be with her? It was all worth it?” Lexa whispered.

“Yeah, every second…” Barb exhaled, a loving, unfocused look clouding her face. “She was a librarian, way back then. I would go in every other day to check books out. And check her out while I asked her very studious questions about them all,” she laughed. “She knew I couldn’t have possibly read that many that fast, but I kept coming back. Eventually she told me how annoying I was, and that the only way I could make it up to her was to take her out to dinner… We got married about a year later. I mean, as married as we could be back then. And then again when it was finally legalized here for good... When I’d complain about something, she liked to say, ‘Listen, I’ve married your annoying behind every which way conceivable. You’re stuck with me, Barb, so just deal with it’,” she grinned, eyes twinkling before they grew soft. “And when we adopted our children, Ben and Alice? I got to fall in love two more times. We got to start this little farm together, and have our family, and grow old together… watch our grandbabies be born... When she had to go, I was so torn up, I felt like I lost my heart. But I wouldn’t change a single second, that’s for damn sure. Not one hug, not one morning waking up next to her, not even one silly fight… So, yeah. It was all worth it.”

Anya watched Lexa’s face throughout Barbara’s words, how her eyes shined and glossed over, how she worried her trembling lower lip as her breathing sped up, thoughts of Clarke obviously flashing through her mind.

She knew.

She knew, despite her feelings of sadness and loss, she knew this was what was right. And there was an underlying feeling of happiness for her friend through it all. After the pain of the last week and hearing Clarke’s confession as well as seeing her friends visceral reaction to Barbara’s past, Lexa’s ‘maybe someday’... she knew this needed to happen and what Lexa was more than likely going to choose. She promised herself, as she sat there, silently taking in the exchange in front of her, that no matter what she would support Lexa in her decision.

“Thank you, Barbara. For telling me. Thank you for, for everything, really,” Lexa said softly, reaching across the table to grasp the woman’s hand delicately. Barbara just nodded and smiled, gently patting the top of Lexa’s hand with her free one. “I’m sorry about your wife, about Irene.”

“Oh, it’s alright. She’ll get the chance to call me annoying again, I know it,” she chuckled.

“Clarke says I’m cheesy,” Lexa grinned.

“She sounds like good people.”

“So does Irene.”

“And you two sound gross,” Anya intoned flatly before exhaling loudly and standing. “We should really hit the road, Alexandria. I have an appointment coming up and you… have some thinking to do.”

“Yes, yes. Not to be rude, but you two do need to scoot. My grandson is coming over in a bit, I want to make him a snack before her gets here. He’s twelve and eats enough for four, just like his daddy, Ben. It’s impressive, honestly. He’s supposed to show me this game he has. Something about a lesbian Roman soldier I think... or a bisexual Grecian soldier, maybe? I’m not really sure, but he sounded terribly excited to show me it because his other grandma is ‘boring’ and says it’s ‘too grown up’ and won’t play it with him. Whatever… Anyway, I’ve got a few things to get ready. But it was awfully lovely meeting you, dear.”

“You as well, Barbara,” Lexa said earnestly, rounding the table to give the woman a soft hug. “Thank you for everything.”

Returning the hug, the woman whispered softly, only loud enough for Lexa to hear, “Trust yourself, and trust your heart. He made it just for you for a reason.” With that, Barbara stepped back and smiled sweetly.

“Don’t I get a hug, Babs?” Anya said from across the room, mocking grin painted across her face.

“Sure snookums, come here and I’ll give you great big kiss to go with it.”

“I always knew you wanted to make out with me.”

“As always, Anya, get out of my kitchen. Until next time, kiddos,” she said cheerfully with a wag of weathered fingers. Without another word, she picked up her plate and glass and turned toward the large kitchen sink to wash up.

Lexa moved to stand next to Anya, nodding easily to the silent inquiring look she used to ask if Lexa really was okay. Taking a breath, Anya took one last look at the grey haired woman, relaxed and at home in her kitchen, before reaching out to gently take Lexa’s hand as they shifted back west.

The transition from rain washed grey skies to brilliant sun glinting off the waters of the Pacific had Anya blinking several times to adjust. Breathing in deeply, she knew what the next step had to be, despite how unprepared she felt herself. Turning her head to her right and squeezing the hand still held lightly in her own, Anya sighed softly and tried her best to offer a genuine smile. “How bad do you hate me?” she asked quietly.

“I don’t hate you, Anya,” Lexa answered immediately, though her eyes were still looking out over the ledge of her cliff. She was silent for a few long seconds before continuing. “I don’t think I could hate you… It, it hurts. That you’d keep something like that from me, it does. But I get it… Before Clarke, you were my only friend too. And even though a piece of me is mad that you didn’t tell me about, about all… that, sooner, I understand. Because even now, the idea that… if I did this,” she paused, swallowing thickly, “if I do this, we’ll never be the same again. That scares me too,” she finished softly.

Tugging their joined hands so that both women faced each other, and resting her hands on Lexa’s shoulders, Anya looked intensely into her friend’s eyes. “It would be different, but you know I would always be there for you. Right? Just because things change doesn’t mean I’m going anywhere.”

Lexa nodded slowly as she blinked back tears. “But I would be,” she whispered.

“No, not really. I mean look at Barb, she doesn’t even really like me that much and she still can’t get rid of me. You think you can?” Anya grinned smugly, nodding along with Lexa’s watery laugh and head shake. “Exactly.” Releasing her, patting Lexa’s shoulders and straightening her already perfectly straight v-collared shirt, Anya took a step back.

Lexa looked out at the rolling waters to her right for a moment, eyes sliding from side to side across the horizon, before returning to meet Anya’s warm gaze. “How do I even… I don’t know what to do, Anya. Does it even matter at this point what I want? I mean, I mean she hates me. Even if I… she won’t, want me,” she trailed off miserably.

Anya couldn’t stop the indelicate snort from escaping her at those words. Seeing the offended look on Lexa’s face, she rolled her eyes, realizing it might be a good time to share just a tiny bit about what she had gotten up to earlier in the day. “That’s not an issue.”

Lexa just blinked dubiously, brows furrowed in confusion.

“Look, I’m not going to say anything that influences your decision one way or the other. You have to do this for you, and no one else. But also, just believe me when I say, Clarke does not hate you.”

“How do you know? What did she say?” she asked, the tone of hope growing with each word.

“Yyyyeah, that’s confidential information. I didn’t tell her about you either so don’t go getting sulky, Eeyore,” Anya cut her off at the pass, resolutely ignoring the scowl being directed at her. “My advice, for what it’s worth, is take some time to think. About everything. Think about what you want, and the things you’d be giving up… and all the things you could be gaining... Visit. Her. Stop being a chicken and go. Just to watch, though. I know it’s painful but I think it’d be good for you to do it, to decide if you even can go back to where you were before everything started. And to see how she’s… been effected. I think, when you’ve done all of that, you’ll know what to do. What you want. I trust you, I trust you’ll choose what’s right for you. And I’m sorry it took me so long to realize that.”

Lexa was silent for a long moment, eyes studying Anya’s face to the point it was starting to kind of freaked her out. Suddenly, Lexa stepped forward, arms wrapping tightly around the woman’s waist and resting her cheek on a strong slender shoulder. “I love you, Anya.”

Slightly startled by the sudden move, it took Anya a second to gather herself before wrapping her own arms around her best friend’s shoulders, leaning her chin on the crown of Lexa’s lowered head, breathing deeply.

“I love you too, Alexandria,” she whispered. “Very much.”

Surprising even herself at the amount of time she stayed in the embrace, rocking slightly back and forth and holding each other tightly, Anya being Anya eventually decided this was getting just a little too gay for her tastes. Gently drawing back and nudging the other woman’s shoulders, Anya cringed lightly, “Alright alright, that’s enough, get off me.”

“You really are the worst,” Lexa laughed but still taking a step back.

“Slander,” she said flatly. “Listen, I have to go. My chest feels like someone’s twanging a friggin guitar in there so, yeah, I gotta go like, now. And you have your own stuff to do. So, I’m gonna go. But remember, call me if you need me, okay?”

“Okay,” Lexa nodded, a soft smile stretching across her lips.

“Good… In the eloquent, wise words of Barb, until next time, kiddo,” she said in slow drawl, waving slightly and walking backwards away from the ledge.

The last thing she saw as she moved to where she was being called was Lexa’s small smile, eyes sad and conflicted as they watched her go.

Chapter Text

Her butt was starting to go just a little bit numb.

The hardwood floor of Clarke’s apartment beneath her wasn’t exactly the comfiest seat in the world, but there was nowhere else Lexa would rather have been at the moment. And she would continue to sit, as she had been for the last three hours, knees drawn up to her chest and arms wrapped around her shins, until Clarke moved from her spot in the reading chair, staring vacantly out of her window.

After Anya had left her alone on her cliff top, Lexa had sat there for several hours as well, gazing out at the Pacific and breathing in the fresh ocean air to collect her swirling thoughts. It wasn’t that she was confused. She knew exactly what she wanted to do, but… what if?

What if Anya was right? What if things didn’t work out with Clarke? What if she wasn’t able to truly get past how Lexa went about things in the beginning? What if she showed up, only to be turned away? Called a liar and told never to come back?

Or if she did forgive her, what if one day Clarke decided she didn’t want to be with her anymore? What if Clarke never fell in love with her? Was she willing to give this all up for… what? Strained friendship between exes? Having to watch Clarke meet and fall in love with someone else? Having to pretend to be happy for her while she slowly died inside?

She really didn’t think she could handle that. The thought alone sent her stomach plummeting and her heart up into her throat.

But also, she thought conversely, how would that be any different from if she didn’t fall? She’d still be stuck exactly like that, on the outside looking in. She knew… she knew she would never be able to stay away from Clarke. She had tried, and failed miserably. Even when she hated her, or didn’t but she thought she did, if Anya was correct, it still made her heart leap and bound to see the face that made her life brighter. So really, even if things didn’t work out, she’d still be right where she is now when it came to Clarke.

Just not an angel.

That in itself brought a whole other slew of emotions and questions to the surface. How would it feel not do what she does? She was responsible for tiny lives. Granted, she would immediately be replaced by another just as qualified as she… but knowing she would never feel that twinge, that call again. Who was she without the yoke of responsibility on her shoulders…

And Anya. She spent so many years being pretty much the only person in Lexa’s life, and vice versa. How would she function without her by her side at every turn? How would Anya? Sure, Anya was scrappy and resilient. But they had grown to rely on each other. The thought of leaving her alone made Lexa’s stomach flip with guilt.

And there was this. Her cliff. She’d never be able to come here again, it would be physically impossible. The thought of never setting foot back here caused a small ache in her chest. This had been her refuge, her home base here on earth.

But then there was Clarke. Sweet, warm hearted, beautiful Clarke. When Lexa really searched herself, the truth was that over the last few years, Clarke had become her safe place, even when she didn’t know Lexa existed. Really, she only came here when it wasn’t feasible to be around Clarke, be it because she was dealing with fast paced work issues or, painfully, “busy” with someone else. At some point, she hadn’t noticed when exactly, but at some point, Lexa had started spending far more time relaxing in the quiet presence of Clarke in her home or seated peacefully, watching as the woman complete paperwork in her office.

While she loved this cliff, if she were being honest with herself, it had stopped feeling like home here on earth the second she realized the extent of her feelings for Clarke.

Again, though, what if Clarke didn’t see Lexa as her home? What if she didn’t want what Lexa wanted. What if she didn’t… what if she…

Exhaling loudly, Lexa had realized Anya was correct. It was, frankly, getting to be annoying. The woman was a mess in her own right, and yet somehow, time again, managed to always seem to know what Lexa should do.

Rolling her eyes at the mental image of her smug friend’s face, Lexa had gotten up from her spot on the ground, filled her lungs with the salted air dancing lightly across her skin and took the chance to watch the last few moments of the sunset slipping beneath the watery horizon. She then centered herself and shifted to the only other place on earth she had ever felt truly at peace.

Being in Clarke’s apartment for the first time since that disastrous evening was… surreal. It all felt the same. And yet, the memories from that night cast a shadow over her thoughts. When she looked at the dark couch where she and Clarke had cuddled, had kissed and held and caressed, she felt happiness and loss. Guilt and elation in equal measure.

The second thing her eyes landed on made her heart seize and crumble. Seated in her favorite chair, feet tucked up beside her and head resting on a fist, was Clarke. Lexa noted it was far earlier than Clarke should be home, her shifts usually running late into the evening would more often than not leave her racing the stroke of midnight home. Which meant she had left early… Lexa didn’t have to guess why, fully aware of Anya’s visit earlier and being able to imagine very clearly the angry and emotional fallout that must have had. Moving without thought, Lexa had walked over to the wall beside the occupied chair, leaning back against the surface for a moment, before sliding down to rest on the floor at Clarke's feet.

Neither had moved much since.

Lexa sat there, unseen and unknown, thoughts continually swirling and spinning and revolving in her mind.

The fears and the questions continuously re-asked and re-answered only to volley back again sometime later. This thought led to that, that question led to this, validity of answers scrutinized as to whether they were based in reality or the deepest desires of her own heart. She was spiraling, the gears in her mind slipping and turning without gaining an ounce of traction, to the point she felt flung out across time with no hope for direction or deci-

“Are you here?”

The whispered words had Lexa’s head shooting up from where she rested it against her drawn up knees to stare wide eyed and unblinking at the woman beside her. Her chest rose and fell rapidly, a few seconds of silence making her mind doubt she had even heard what she thought she had.

But then it came again.

“Are you here?” Clarke repeated softly. Slowly her eyes drifted open from where they had been shut, blocking out the world in her own private ruminations. She lifted her head to lean back against the high backed chair she was cradled in, her hand falling to her lap as her fingers worried the soft blanket she had draped over her legs. Lexa watched as the woman’s eyes minutely swept the expanse of the room, not focusing on anything in particular, obviously trying to see… something.

Trying to see her?

“I don’t know if I’m going crazy... If you’re not here, then I’m just talking to myself, so,” she said, her words slow and never rising above a whisper. “But I just… For years I never understood why I would get these... feelings. These feelings of calm, like everything was okay. Even when everything around me felt hopeless, and painful, I would get this feeling of… of peace. Like I was safe.” She was quiet for a long moment, eventually sighing softly as she dropped her head, chin coming to rest on her upper chest. “And then you came along… and I was so, caught up in you. All I did was think about you. Or think about when I’d get to see you again… I feel so stupid that it never occurred to me why you felt so unbelievably familiar. How the feeling I got being around you was so… Because it was always you, right? It’s always been you, hasn’t it?”

Lexa did her best to blink past the tears that were gently gathering on her lashes, their watery persistence impeding her ability to gaze broken-heartedly at the woman she loved, sat there in so much pain and self doubt.

Clarke let out a soft derisive scoff, shaking her head at herself as she looked toward the ceiling. “I’m asking like you can answer. Or will answer. I don’t even know if you’re here… Christ, I am such an idiot.”

Instinctively, Lexa reached a hand out to lay softly on top of Clarke’s, hating hearing the woman talk about herself like that. “No, you’re not,” she said, the strain in her voice audible only to herself. At the first contact, Clarke’s eyes slid shut, her breathing evening out as she pulled her trembling bottom into her mouth for a moment.

“But I feel like you’re here,” she exhaled, so quietly Lexa may have missed it if she weren’t so close. “Because I haven’t been okay since the second you left... Please, just… if you’re here, please stay. Just for tonight. I know, I know this doesn’t change anything. I know you can’t… with me. But… I just want to feel safe again. Just for tonight.” Clarke took a few deep breaths, seeming to try and get her emotions under control again. Nodding slightly to herself, she quickly wiped the dampness from her eyes and got up, tossing the blanket back down on the chair without taking the time to fold it as she normally would. She moved around the room, double checking that the door was locked for the night and turning off the solitary lamp that had illuminated the space.

Lexa followed her silently down the hall that led to her bedroom, slipping in seamlessly as Clarke turned to shut the door behind her. Not breaking stride, Lexa walked across the room, mind still replaying every word Clarke had spoken, all thoughts of cliffs or work or anything else long cast aside. She stood, back turned to the rest of the room as Clarke changed into her sleeping clothes and went to use the en suite bathroom off to the right, looking at the various framed photos the woman kept on the small desk that sat opposite the door.

Looking at the smiling faces in the photos, Lexa’s mind tumbled with visions of new photos, maybe someday, being added. Ones of herself… and ones of her and Clarke… and ones of their life together, their grinning faces looking happily at each other, white lace and embroidery barely visible on the edges…

And… and she was getting incredibly ahead of herself.

Blowing out a rough breath, she turned a few moments after she heard Clarke click off the light to the bathroom as she reentered the room, her eyes landing on the woman standing stock still in front of her bedroom door. That was when she noticed, long and dark and looking completely out of place in the otherwise soft whites and sky blues that made up the room, was her coat.

Clarke seemed to stand there for hours staring at the garment. Slowly, she reached a hand forward as if to touch it, but surprised Lexa when she instead slipped it entirely from the hanger on the door. Eyes never wavering from the material in her hands, Clarke walked silently over to her bed and sat down heavily. Lexa watched, frozen as Clarke eventually laid down, resting her head on her pillow, tucking the coat over herself rather than climbing under her sheets.

The sight of her there, looking so small curled up beneath a blanket of black, tore at her heart while the air escaped her lungs. Moving by instinct alone, Lexa stepped forward, fluidly laying down behind the woman and wrapping a gentle arm around her waist.

She hadn’t done this many times before. Only a handful of times in fact, the embrace feeling almost too inmate to what she felt she deserved. Usually only when the woman had been so overcome by some trauma in her life she would toss and turn, unable to sleep through the night. Lexa knew if she held her, she could rest. They laid there in silence, time seeming to suspend itself inside the quiet bedroom. Lexa matched her breathing to the woman in her arms, feeling it slowly even out as she slipped into unworried dreams.

The time that Lexa would normally extract herself to go read or walk the world came and went. Instead she stayed there, nose pressed softly against the back of Clarke’s neck, thinking.

Thinking about Barb and Irene.

Thinking about happiness.

Thinking about Clarke.

Thinking about how this could be her future. Their future. This could be every night. She felt in her chest that sunrise would be coming soon. The mental image that knowledge painted in her mind?

Her. Here, real and warm and free. She imagined feeling Clarke’s loving and sure arms wrapped just as tightly around her. Being able to open her eyes from a peaceful sleep to see her favorite shade of blue already looking back at her. The first sensation of the morning being the soft, lush press of the most perfect lips she had ever seen.

The questions were over, the answer as sure as the sun that waited beyond the horizon to usher in a new day.

Slowly, Lexa unwound her arm from the small form pressed to her front and rolled away to stand from the bed. Sparing a final look at the cheerful faces on the photos looking back at her, almost as though they were encouraging her with joyous smiles long since passed, Lexa moved around the bed to kneel, coming face to face with the woman who stole her heart long ago. Reaching forward, she gently tucked the collar of her coat more securely around Clarke’s shoulders, taking a moment to run whisper soft fingers through sleep mussed curls. A soft inhale caught her attention as Clarke turned her head slightly, as if trying to nuzzle into the hand she could not see.

“Don’t go,” she exhaled, her words slurred and smokey, causing the affection in Lexa’s heart to glow at the still sleeping woman. She smiled softly and leaned forward, placing a tender kiss on her forehead.

“Shhh, love… I’m coming back.”

////////////////////////////////////

 

Standing there, on the edge of her cliff, breathing deeply as she watched the burgeoning pinks and oranges of dawn stretch across the sky, Lexa felt at peace.

It was strange almost. She felt like she should be scared, afraid of the unknown. Afraid of giving all this up, this beauty and connection to the universe. Instead, she felt a deeper sense of calm than she ever had before. She didn’t feel like she was leaving something behind; she felt like she was moving toward something bigger.

“So you’re really doing it, huh,” Anya said from beside her.

Shortly after Lexa had shifted to her spot she had called for her friend, wanting and needing her support. They stood there together, silently watching the sky turn from star speckled velvet black to rich shades of indigo and periwinkle, eventually brightening as soft tendrils of glittering rose colored light broke the horizon to their backs, casting dainty clouds in a brilliant heavenly glow.

“Yes,” she smiled serenely, eyes never moving from the breathtaking sight in front of her.

“I kinda figured… after, everything. I could tell.”

“Nothing feels as real as when I’m with her. I’m only happy when I’m with her.”

“Ouch,” Anya said with a mock scowl, knocking her shoulder into Lexa’s.

“I didn’t mean it that way,” Lexa chuckled. They were quiet for several minutes, simply enjoying being in each other’s space, before Lexa softly spoke again. “I am really going to miss you.”

“I’m not going anywhere. And neither are you. Okay?" Anya said flatly. "I don’t plan on asking to be sent somewhere else anytime soon. And you and Dr. Horndog will probably get old and grey right here too,” she added nonchalantly, ignoring the hand that came up to absently slap her in the chest at the name. “I’ll visit, don't worry... I mean really, what’s the harm? You guys already know about angels, it’s not like with the rest of these guys.”

“Aww, now you can be the weirdo friend who always wears the same outfit at karaoke Thursdays,” Lexa teased, turning a faux adoring grin to the woman before looking back out over the sand and ocean below.

“Shut it,” Anya said, not missing a beat, “But it’ll be fine. We’ll see each other and I won’t have to watch you mope around up here anymore… Won’t have to sit at that disgusting bus stop either, thank God.”

“You were never actually invited there you know, you could have forgone that misery,” Lexa smiled with a roll of her eyes. Not getting the expected snarky response, Lexa turned to find Anya looking at her softly.

“We’re a team… you’re my best friend, of course I was there. Even if you enjoyed it in some ways, I knew it was hard for you, so I went. Just like you’ve been there when I needed you,” she paused, looking forward again before finishing, “That’s not going to change just because you’re turning into a lusty meatbag yourself,” she said quite seriously.

Lexa couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up her throat, so used to Anya’s eloquent way with words. “Well thank you, that does make me feel better.”

“Good. See? It’ll be fine,” she nodded resolutely.

After her laughter subsided, Lexa took a moment to center herself before speaking again. “All jokes aside… I couldn’t have gotten through this without you. I mean, you really do suck for waiting so long to tell me about, all this,” she said, motioning over the cliffs edge, “but… still. You were there for me through everything. And I’ll never be able to make it up to you.”

Following Anya’s movement, Lexa turned to face the woman beside her. “There’s nothing to make up, okay? This is... This is your path. I’m glad I got to be a part of the ride for this portion. The next part just happens to include Clarke. That’s what happens when you love someone, and I know what she means to you,” Anya shrugged.

“I really do love her,” she whispered.

“I know you do, Lexa,” Anya nodded softly. Smiling at the startled look on her friend’s face, she shrugged again. “I gotta get used to it. ‘Alexandria’ was your angel name. But you’re moving on from that, from this,” she said, vaguely pointing at her clothes and general... angel-ness. “I respect that and support it, so, yeah.” The words were barely out of her mouth when Lexa launched herself forward, wrapping her arms tightly arm the woman’s shoulders. “Oof. Okay yeah, alright, calm down,” she said patting Lexa’s back in good-natured exasperation.

“I love you, Ahn,” she murmured from where she had buried her face in the woman’s neck.

“I love you too... you gigantic baby,” Anya said seriously, but didn’t pull away.

They stood in the embrace for several minutes, knowing that everything was going to change after this moment. Eventually, Lexa drew slowly away, sniffling slightly. Seeing the sparkling moisture on her friends lashes in the early morning sunlight surprised her. “Are you crying?”

“No,” Anya scoffed, quickly wiping at the edge of her eye with the tips of her fingers. “I got like a, branch or twig in there... Sand or somethin- Whatever. Mind your business.”

“That’s so sweet though,” Lexa stuck you bottom lip out in an exaggerated pout.

“Alright, one more word and you won’t have to jump, I’ll throw you over.”

Lexa laughed fully at that, more relaxed knowing this wasn’t going to be the end of their friendship. Sighing as her mirth naturally subsided, she bit her lip as she worried the edge of her shirt. “Speaking of which…”

“It’s about that time, huh?”

Swallowing thickly, Lexa nodded. “I think so… I’m ready.”

“And you’re absolutely sure?” Anya asked quietly.

“Yes,” she answered immediately, confidently. “I’ve never wanted anything more than I want this. Her... I don’t want to spend another day not knowing what it really feels like to hold her, without it being muted or dulled or, or weighed down by barriers between us. I’ve never felt happier, or more safe, than when I’m with her. And I want to spend the rest of my life making her feel that way too… So, yeah. I’m absolutely sure.”

Anya smiled sadly, nodding at her friend. “Okay then… Good luck, I’ll see you on the other side.”

“Will you… you’ll make sure I’m okay? That, that I wake up, or that I’m found if I’m hurt or… whatever happens?” Lexa asked, her voice starting to tremble slightly.

“I’ll do my best,” she assured before drawing her lips up to the side in an awkward face. “I don’t really know how this is gonna work either, so,” she shrugged. “We'll both have to figure this out as we go I guess.”

“Very reassuring,” Lexa frowned.

“You’re welcome,” Anya smiled brightly, clapping her once on the shoulder before taking several steps back from the edge. “Go get ‘em.”

Lexa nodded once, then three more times. Whether to Anya or to herself, she didn't know.

She turned to face outward, shuffling forward until the tips of her boots hung out over the side of the cliff. Due to her nature as an angel, she had never been afraid of heights. But now, looking down the steep drop off that ended on a deserted patch of sandy beach, Lexa’s stomach lurched violently. Closing her eyes, she inhaled deeply through her nose, filling her lungs to the point of it being mildly painful, before releasing it slowly through tightly pursed lips. She tried to open her eyes, but closed them just as quickly, realizing she felt steadier when she blocked out the world around her. With a silent prayer and arms stretched slightly out to her sides, she tipped forward, bending at the knees just enough to propel herself up and off the rocky ledge beneath her.

////////////////////////////////////////

 

Time seemed to slow down despite how fast she knew she had to be moving.

The first thing that registered was the wind whistling past her. She could feel it’s weighted drag pulling at her skin and hair. It wasn’t by any means, pleasant. But also not… unpleasant. Overwhelming, to say the least and entirely terrifying all at once. She had never felt a sensation quite like this and every instinct and alarm bell within her started sounding loudly. Just as Barbara had said she would, the next thing she felt was the desire to shift; to remove herself from the foreign feeling of suspended free fall. Thankful that she had been prepared for the feeling, Lexa pushed the call away, focusing her mind on what she was doing this for.

Clarke.

Images of Clarke flashed across her mind. The first night in that stairwell, helplessly watching tears of anguish stream down her face. Countless mornings sat across from her, silently watching as she enjoyed her morning coffee. Moments, big and small, played behind her still clamped shut eyes. Every moment she had ever wanted to hold Clarke’s hand, but couldn’t. Every moment of triumph or joy or sadness or loss that Lexa had wanted desperately to share with the woman but had to stand by unseen. Heartache laced evenings spent sitting in the woman’s reading chair while she was out, smiling and laughing and flirting with someone else… But also, Clarke kissing her, and laughing with her. Clarke telling her she missed her... Clarke asking her to stay.

Her heart thundered louder and faster than she’d ever felt, so hard it felt as though it were determined to break free and race her to the bottom. Try as she might, Lexa struggled to draw in breath, the sheer force of her descent overpowering her system the longer she fell. Small tendrils of panic started to weave into her mind, despite how sure she was that this was her destiny. Her entire body was shaking, hands clenched into fists, arms wrapped around her middle to give herself the illusion of safety.

Right as the panic started to consume her, overwhelmed beyond anything she had felt before, the shattered scream Lexa released was lost to the wind as her entire world went black.

///////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Pain.

The first clear thought that swam across her sluggishly foggy mind was that she was in… a fairly decent amount of pain.

The entirety of her head ached like it never had before, a dull throb that started above her right eye and extended back over her scalp to the base of her neck. Her arms, still wrapped around her middle from the useless attempt to shield herself during the fall, were pinned beneath her, digging uncomfortably into her ribs. Pain radiated from her hips all the way down her legs. Even her toes ached when she moved them as she came to. Every lazy breath felt labored and sharp, her chest struggling to expand properly, and her mouth tasted strange as she swallowed. Like liquid metal, only stronger and thicker.

She felt softness against her cheek. Granular and somewhat fluid, feeling it shift with every breath she took. Wiggling her trapped fingers minutely, she noticed the grains slide across her hands like gritty water.

Sand, it occurred to her.

Right, that made sense.

Swallowing roughly several more times and taking a few steady breaths through her nose, Lexa managed to slowly drag her eyes open, her lids trembling and protesting every movement. Blinking a few times to get her vision clear and the world to stop spinning, her hazy eyes eventually came to rest on a small freckly face pressed to the sand only a few inches away form her own, looking right back at her with wide innocent eyes.

“Are you dead?” the child whispered.

“Aden! Get up, don’t do that,” a loud, deep male voice sounded from somewhere nearby. Where exactly, Lexa wasn’t sure at the moment. The question though, made her smile before wincing, feeling the sting of her busted lip split open again.

“No, I’m not dead,” she said quietly, her voice sounding deep and gravelly to her ears.

“Aden, get up,” the voice said again, right beside her now. She saw the boy be lifted up and then replaced by a set of large hairy knees in swim trunks. A hand came to softly rest on her shoulder as the man leaned down to look her in the eyes. “Hey, are you okay, lady?”

She coughed as she tried to roll over, some of the thick metallic tasting stuff in her mouth accidentally sliding down her throat. The man helped her turn over, taking her elbow and shoulder too as she struggled to sit up. When she was upright, grateful the man had kept his hand on her shoulder to keep her steady, Lexa turned her face to the helper, nodding and breathing a quiet, “Thank you.”

“Did someone hurt you? You look really banged up,” he said with pronounced concern in his voice.

“No, no, I’m fine,” she croaked, talking and trying to clear her throat at the same time.

“Are you sure? ‘Cause, I mean, you’re really beat up… and this is like, a pretty deserted part of the beach. We wouldn’t have found you if my son hadn’t run off after his kite.” His large green eyes, that matched his son’s perfectly, she absently noted, searched her face worriedly.

“Really. I'm in some pain but, I assure you I’m fi-.... Wait, wait,” she cut herself off, “you can see me?” she asked breathlessly, reaching up to grab the hand on her shoulder.

“Uh, yes?” he stated as a question.

“You can see? You can really see me? What about now?” she asked as she thought of being invisible, which normally worked. At his eyebrow-raised nod, she continued, “You can see... And, that, oh my god,” she said pulling her hand back and examining her bleeding knuckles. “That’s blood. That’s, that's… I’m bleeding. That’s my blood,” she said excitedly, turning to smile brilliantly at the man who had, by now, slowly drawn his hand back to his side. His face looked both worried and like he had just figured out she was absolutely loony tunes.

“Yyyyeah. That’s what I was saying. You’re bleeding from a couple places actually… Maybe I should call someone. Like an ambulance.”

“No, no that’s okay,” Lexa continued to smile. “Really, I’m fine.” She tried to push herself up but a shock of pain lanced through her wrist when she put pressure on the sand beneath her. Hearing her pained grunt, the man muttered quietly, “Here, let me help,” as he retook her elbow and wrapped an arm around her waist to pull her up. Once they were both standing, he released her, but kept his hands up for a long moment as he stepped back, looking as if he was ready to catch her should she start to keel over. He seemed so delicate despite his large frame.

Slightly panting from the exertion, Lexa took a few breaths before starting to dust the sand off of her clothes and face. She hissed as she tried to gently brush the sand from her split lip and the small cut on her eyebrow. But still, she couldn’t help immediately laughing to herself.

Pain.

She could actually feel honest to god, intense, real pain!

And the strong smell of the ocean wrapping around her, richer and saltier than she had ever known it could be. The wind off the water felt amazing as it danced across her skin and fluttered her hair, it’s slight chill a perfect balance to the warm rays of the sun over head. She had never known it could feel so extraordinary, normally just a ghost of a sensation. She tilted her head back in joy, letting the world around her expand and fill her lungs and soul.

“Are you sure you’re okay, lady? I really think I should call someone,” the man said, looking at her with ill-disguised concern. Concussions are no laughing matter after all.

“No, that’s fine,” she continued to smile, bouncing a few times up onto the balls of her feet to stretch her legs, just because. “I’m perfectly fine. Thank you so much, you’re very kind. You and your son. Thank you, Aden. You’re a little hero, buddy. Down low,” she reached a hand out for a low-five, the little boy lighting up as he released he dad’s leg with one arm to slap hands. “Nice. Now, I have somewhere I need to go, excuse me.” With that, she started to jauntily walk away.

“Wait!” he yelled at her back.

“Yes?” she asked turning.

“Well, first off the way back is this way,” he said as he hitched a thumb over his shoulder, “And second… no offense, ma'am, but you look like a mess. Someone is definitely gonna call the cops if they see you like that.”

“Oh,” she blinked.

Oops.

Okay, so, maybe she was still a little out of it. Falling will do that to you (she guessed).

Apparently seeing her confounded look, the man waved a beckoning hand toward himself. “Come with us, I’ve got some bottled water in our cooler. You can… clean up a bit. Aden, grab your kite so we can go.”

Nodding with a grateful smile, Lexa followed the pair around the rocky boulders that separated the small secluded patch of beach from the larger general area people used to enjoy the water. It was a bit of a walk to get where they were going, Lexa thought it extremely lucky that the boy's kite had flown far enough away that he would have managed to stumble onto her. Eventually they made it to a gigantic beach towel, easily big enough to fit 3 people, with a bright red cooler sitting next to it and a large rainbow umbrella buried in the sand to provide shade. The boy silently plopped down on the towel as soon as they arrived, still watching the stranger and his father closely. The man rifled through the cooler for a moment, finally pulling out a dripping, ice cold bottle of water and handing it to her.

“Thank you…” she trailed off in question as she unscrewed the cap.

He eyed her for a moment as he dried his hands on the white shirt he wore before answering, “Gus.”

“Lexa. Thank you, Gus. And thanks again, Aden,” she smiled at the child before taking a sip, surprised by the intensity of the cold against her teeth for the first time. She swirled it around her mouth generously, turning her back politely to spit it out in the hopes that awful taste in her mouth would lessen. When it came out bright red, it finally dawned on her what exactly she had been tasting. “Ooooh,” she exhaled softly. “Wow. Blood tastes terrible.”

“Yeah,” the man, Gus, chuckled. “When I used to box I had to taste my fair share of it. It’s nasty, that’s kinda why I offered the water.”

“Doubly thank you then, that was horrible,” she smiled over her shoulder, feeling much more refreshed. She dampened her fingers repeatedly with the water, slowly washing off what dried blood she could feel on her face and knuckles, finally turning back to ask the man if she had gotten it all.

“You’re good. I mean you still look like you got into a fist fight, but at least I don’t think the police will want to take you in for questioning on sight.”

Lexa could only laugh at that, knowing it was probably true. She offered the water bottle back, immediately realizing that was a gross idea when he grimaced before politely and graciously telling her she could keep it. Nodding as she rolled the bottle back and forth between her fingers, she sighed happily. “Well, I can’t thank you enough. For finding me, and helping. And the water. You’re a good person, you and your son. But I, um, I should go. I have someone I need to see.”

“Okay, if you’re sure you don’t need any more help. I mean I can call someone for you. Like a friend or even just an Uber to get you where you need to go.”

Knowing she had no money to pay for anything like that, and not having the slightest idea of Clarke’s number (not that she wanted to do this over the phone anyway) she declined. “No, thanks though. You’ve done more than enough,” she smiled as she started walking backwards away from them. “I appreciate it more than you know.”

“Yeah, no problem. I’m glad you’re alright.”

“I am,” she nodded. “Okay, well… by- wait,” she halted. “What time is it?”

“Oh uhhh, a little after five,” he said, glancing down at the big black watch in his wrist.

She had been knocked out for most of the day, she realized as her eyes blew wide. “Oh. Huh, okay. Well, thanks again... Bye, guys. Bye, Aden!” she waved over her shoulder as she started walking away again, faster this time.

“Bye!” the little boy yelped with a smile.

“Good luck!”, the man yelled, followed by a squeakier “Good luck!” from his son.

//////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Okay, so… she hadn’t thought this whole thing through.

As poetic as the thought of her to taking the dive off of her favorite cliff had been, the reality was that she was now a human, broke, and a decidedly long walk away from Clarke’s apartment.

Maybe Anya had a point about her dramaticism.

Couple that with the fact that her entire body felt completely depleted, legs feeling as if every step was a personal punishment from the heavens and stomach so empty it growled loudly and twisted in pain every few minutes, she was just a little bit uncomfortable and majorly huffing at herself.

But despite all of that, she kept putting one foot in front of the other. The sun had already set a short time ago, the chill of the evening was starting to seep into her bones. More than once she thought, even if it had disappointed Clarke initially, it would’ve been smart to grab her coat for this. But then again she hadn’t known what to expect. She had never experienced feeling cold before, but the slight chatter to her teeth every time a particularly stinging breeze gusted over her was annoying. Running her fingers through her hair, feeling the various tangles and knots from her windswept journey had Lexa realizing she really must look like a mess like Gus had said. There were small tears in her shirt and pants, her boots were scuffed and becoming worn as she walked the long distance, and she vaguely thought she might smell a bit like sweat and ocean water.

‘Hopefully Clarke can see past it,’ she thought idly. She knew that was silly, Clarke wasn’t shallow or easily intimidated. But she *had* already scared the woman half to death once, she didn’t relish the idea of doing it again.

She had been walking close to an hour and a half before she noticed she was getting close to the bar where she and Clarke had met for their first date. Her heart thumped with electrified fervor, realizing that if she had made it that far, she only had another handful of blocks to go. The thought that she was so close had her unconsciously speeding up her steps despite her minute limp.

Stupid human knees.

The next few blocks flew by in a haze, her lungs sucking in gulps of air as she rounded the corner and onto the street that led to Clarke’s apartment complex. Moving as fast as she could, she felt her heart thumping loudly in her ears as she practically ran the final half a block, stopping and leaning her hands on her thighs to catch her breath only when she had reached the front walkway to the building.

‘Running kinda sucks’, she thought as her breaths evened out, drawing herself back upward to stand fully.

The nerves slowly crept back into her mind as she stepped forward toward the building. It wasn’t bad nerves. They weren’t exactly good either, considering how they made her stomach clench and roll at the thought of what Clarke’s reaction might be to all of this. Yes, she had sounded like she wanted Lexa, or at least would be open to the idea of 'them', but… if it turned out differently, she wasn’t sure what she would do.

How she could survive that particular heartbreak.

Hands shaking very noticeably, Lexa reached the door of the complex, taking a deep breath to center herself as she firmly hit the button to buzz Clarke’s apartment. Several minutes passed, the beats of Lexa’s heart increasing with doubt. She reached up to hit the buzzer again, but a crackly, “C’mon up,” startled her back as she heard the door’s lock be automatically disengaged. Moving quickly, confused as to why the woman had just let her in without asking who it was, she grabbed the handle and let herself in, rushing to thrust an arm between gleaming elevator doors that were slipping closed.

When they slid back open to allow her through, Lexa noticed with a hot flush that a young woman was already in the elevator. More than likely one of Clarke’s neighbors, but no one she recognized, the woman took in Lexa’s general appearance with a displeased frown.

“Are you okay?” the woman asked, sounding more than a little uncomfortable to be enclosed in the small space with a woman who looked like she had just gone a few rounds and come on the worse end.

“Yeah, I’m good,” she nodded, reaching out to hit the number nine button.

“‘Cause you look a little…”

“I know. I fell. But I’m fine.”

The woman didn’t look like she believed her in the slightest, but thankfully let it drop. Silent for the rest of the short ride, she got off the elevator on the seventh floor, leaving Lexa alone. She slumped back onto the metal railing behind her, head lulling forward onto her chest. She really kind of couldn’t believe she had made it. This was actually happening. Exhausted yet elated and riddled with nerves, she didn't know which feeling to focus on. A moment later when the door slid open, she shot up off the railing, taking long strides down the hall.

She came to an abrupt stop in front of the door, taking a moment to look at the weathered knocker in front of her. Unhappy images of the last time she had used the peculiar item floated to the front of her mind. Shaking her head to rid herself of those unpleasant memories, praying this time would end exceptionally different from her first go-round in this position, Lexa reached up and gently tapped the knocker three solid times.

She heard movement and shuffling behind the door seconds before it opened. Her heart stuttered, then pounded at the sight of the woman in front of her. Barely able to get her lungs to work at the sight of her, Lexa’s greeting was nothing more than a soft exhale through her small smile.

“Hi.”

Chapter Text

Clarke set her phone down on the table beside her with an annoyed huff.

She didn’t appreciate being forced into doing this. She didn’t feel like it, but god forbid *someone* actually take no for an answer. Untucking her feet from underneath her and pushing up out of the chair by her window, Clarke clicked her tongue a few times. As usual, Penelope came trundling into the room from the kitchen where she had set up residence for the past week, having taken to sleeping on the right side of the island.

But Clarke didn’t want to think about the cause of that right now. If she did she’d… No. She wasn’t doing that tonight.

Reaching down to scoop her up, Clarke ran her fingers over the chubby cat’s fur. “Sorry Penelope, you gotta hang out in your room tonight,” she murmured. Hearing the disgruntled meow hurled back at her, Clarke could only sigh, “I know, okay. But you’re an asshole to everyone who comes over... pretty much… and I’m not dealing with it tonight. I’ll make it up to you tomorrow, promise.”

She nudged the door further open to the room that was meant for her washer and dryer, but also contained a small scratching post, cat food (In. Abundance.), a water bowl, litter box, toys, and an overly fluffy cat bed. Sometimes she couldn’t believe she had spent so much money on all of this stuff, especially considering the ridiculous cat slept more often than not on the cold tiles of her kitchen counters these days.

Damn cat.

Plopping Penelope down gently on the plush little bed and double checking she had enough water for the night, Clarke heard the buzzer to her apartment sound as she reached up to turn on the dim push light on the wall.

‘Of course she was already almost here when she called, I should’ve known,’ Clarked thought, sighing heavily to herself as she clicked off the bright overhead light, stepping out of the room and shutting the door behind her. Taking her sweet ass time walking over to the panel on her wall, she absently hit the com button to give the okay to come up as she reached over and unlocked her front door. She walked back down the hall, turning into her kitchen to beeline for her fridge.

She knew wine would be her best friend tonight.

Tucking the chilled bottle of white into the crook of her arm, uncorked and ready to go, thankfully, she then grabbed two large wine glasses and headed back to the room, only to halt halfway down the short steps that divided the rooms, frowning when she heard the solid taps of her door knocker. Confused as to why she would choose to knock instead of just letting herself in as usual, Clarke moved to set down the bottle and glasses on the table on her way to answer the door.

Fully prepared to question what the hold-up was, Clarke opened the door wide, only to freeze solid on the spot.

“Hi,” she heard immediately, though the sound hit her as though it was coming from the far end of a long tunnel. She could faintly hear a rushing sound in her ears, her heart hammering against her ribs and knees feeling like they would buckle at the sight before her.

“L-Lexa?” she breathed eventually, wide horrified eyes moving all over the angel. Only… she didn’t understand what she was looking at. The woman looked terrible. Her hair, normally a cascade of silken waves that gently tumbled over her shoulders was now tangled and mussed, wild curls puffed fuller than she had ever seen and making her look rather disheveled. Her clothes were a mess as well, littered with tears and small holes, and some sort of grit that made her look like she had been rolling around on the ground. Zeroing in on the usually porcelain featured face, Clarke felt her heart constrict tightly. Her full bottom lip was a bit swollen, a raw and painful looking cut adorned the right side, matching a somewhat nasty gash that split through the woman’s eyebrow. Her right temple and curve of her jaw were slightly purpled, the bruising nominal but alarming to Clarke’s rapidly misfiring brain all the same.

Swiftly stepping forward, Clarke placed gentle hands on the sides of the woman’s neck, thumbs softly sweeping back and forth across the strong jaw, not wanting to hurt her but not really being able to stop herself at the sight. “Oh my god. What happened to you? Who did this?”

She could hear the trembling breathlessness of her words, but honestly she was barely holding it together at the moment.

“I’m okay,” Lexa smiled wider, hands coming up to wrap around her wrists.

“No, Lexa, what the hell happen- jesus, your knuckles,” Clarke said, quickly moving her hands to capture injured ones in her own. Seeing the torn skin caused Clarke’s stomach to turn violently, the dark brown and red of old blood affecting her like never before. Her breathing had sped up so much that she was starting to feel lightheaded, but she ignored the feeling to gently tug the woman forward into her apartment.

Mind moving into doctor mode, she turned Lexa sideways to shut the door before all but dragging her down the hall. “Just sit here, let me go get my home kit and we’ll get you cleaned up,” she rushed out, lightly pushing Lexa down onto the closest couch, mentally unable to absorb a single thing the other woman was trying to say to her, before moving without another word to her bedroom closet where she kept her medical bag. As soon as her knees hit the wood of her bedroom floor, she took a moment to try and calm herself, seeing just how badly her hands were shaking as they fumbled with the straps of her bag.

She felt like she was going to throw up. Or pass out. Maybe both? They weren’t mutually exclusive after all, and Clarke was a woman of many talents.

Her head was swimming with how much she did not understand was happening, beyond confused at the whole situation. Because Lexa was here. Really here. And hurt, and bleeding...

But she didn’t bleed?

They had established that quite concretely, thanks to little Miss. Mean-Ass currently locked in her laundry room. Lexa herself had told her that angels didn’t bleed, that they don’t feel pain like humans and, and… what the hell was going on?

Realizing she had been sat there longer than she intended, grateful that her hands seemed steadier from the pause she took to collect herself, Clarke snatched up the bag.

After a quick stop in the bathroom to wash her hands, she hurriedly walked down the short hall, rounding the corner to the front room. “Sorry that took so lo…” her words trailed off as she noticed the woman slumped back slightly on her couch, light snores coming out of her full lips. Moving forward slower, quieter now, Clarke looked at the woman who must have dozed off while she was busy having a mental breakdown in the other room.

She sat down softly on the couch beside her, taking a moment to look at the precious face resting peacefully, her heart flipping at how beautiful she looked despite her injuries.

God, she had missed that face.

Blinking back tears at how innocent and soft the woman looked there, gracelessly slumped on her couch, Clarke put the bag on the coffee table in front of her and opened it, pulling out gauze, antiseptic wipes, triple-antibiotic ointment, and a few butterfly bandages.

Was she possibly going a little overboard? Yes. Did she care right now? No.

Carefully leaning over the woman, she exceedingly lightly wiped the cut on her brow, cleaning away any dirt or grime she could see in the short fine hairs around it. Taking a small bandage, she swiped a minute amount of the ointment onto it, before gently setting in place to help the wound heal. Next, she opened a fresh antiseptic wipe and softly cupped the woman’s jaw to hold it steady as she slowly dabbed the split on her lip. The face in her hands winced slightly at the small burn of the wipe, right before Clarke watched sleepy green-grey eyes flutter open.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” she whispered as she continued to work.

“Don’t be,” Lexa smiled softly, reaching up to cover the hand still holding her jaw.

The contact had Clarke’s heart trembling, knowing she probably shouldn’t but unable to stop herself, she spread her fingers just wide enough to allow Lexa’s to slot between her own, effectively lacing them together. Squeezing and curling them together, Clarke drew their intertwined hands over to her mouth, pressing her lips to Lexa’s warm skin below her knuckles before bringing them down to her lap.

“What happened to you?” she questioned quietly, voice strained with… something she wasn’t ready to name yet. Lexa sat up from her slumped position, bringing her free hand up to cup the back of Clarke’s neck, fingers sifting lightly through blonde curls. The small smile on her face never faltered once.

“I gave it up.”

“But, I don’t know what that means,” Clarke said, voice sounding almost miserable in her confusion, eyes moving back and forth between Lexa’s own. Somehow though, it only seemed to make Lexa’s smile grow wider, the adoration in her eyes shine brighter.

“Feel me. Look at me,” she laughed lightly, reaching up to trace a single finger down the temple of the woman’s face before vaguely pointing at her general gnarly state of being. “I did what I had to do to be with you… If you want to, that is,” the smile fading her face just slightly as she worried her bottom lip. “I know, I know I went about everything… all wrong. But, I didn’t know. I didn’t know there was another option. As soon as I found out though… I chose you. I'll always choose you.”

“You, you really mean you’re…” she trailed off, unable to complete the sentence in the possibility she was wrong.

“I don’t want forever if I can’t be with you... So I gave it up. I don’t care about any of it, I don’t need any of it. Just this, just you,” she whispered, eyes glazing over as she squeezed the fingers still wrapped around her own and swallowed harshly. “... You make me feel safe too, Clarke.”

Tears welling over her lashes, Clarke couldn’t stop the shuddering breath she sucked in, bottom lip trembling as she leaned forward to capture Lexa’s smile against her lips.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Well, this was going quite nicely.

Way better than Lexa ever could have hoped for.

She had been terrified Clarke wouldn’t believe her, would scoff or reject the notion of her really truly being here. But as she felt the woman collapse into her, her velvet lips covering her own, she knew. She knew the woman could tell her sincerity and she thanked God for that. Obviously, the fact the she was a semi-bloodied pulp of a person at the moment helped quite a bit, but still. She was grateful.

It surprised her how different Clarke’s kisses tasted now. Less like starlight, though she thought she could still detect it (or at least her mind imagined it could), she now tasted richer, earthier, but just as intoxicating. It was enough to have Lexa groaning at the woman’s flavor.

Getting swept up in the joy of the moment, of their (hopefully) new beginning, Lexa drew her hand out of Clarke’s hold, moving it to join the one already woven into satin locks of blonde. She couldn’t stop the way her hands pulled and tugged gently, mindlessly trying to get the woman closer, as close as she could possibly be. She moved against Clarke’s kiss slowly and firmly, uncaring of the slight sting to her injured lip, the surety of her kiss matching the emotions of her heart. The softness of Clarke’s mouth sent Lexa spiraling, plump and giving, the slick sheen causing her to moan softly as she chased them with each adjustment.

Not that she was alone in that respect.

Her heart sang at the feeling of Clarke pressing into her with increasing fervency, every time Lexa withdrew an inch to change the angle and slope of their kiss, Clarke matched her movement for movement. It felt desperate and raw, as Clarke’s hands skated the expanse of her, fingers gripping and dragging from her hips up to her shoulders, tugging lightly on the fine ends of her hair before roving back down to pull at the small of her back.

Her head was starting to spin, her chest aching from lack of adequate oxygen. She wrenched her head back slightly, chest heaving as she gulped in lungfuls of air.

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” Clarke panted against her, their foreheads resting together still.

Lexa shook her head minutely, chuckling as she leaned back in to place a small quick kiss the pink lips. “I told you, never apologize for kissing me. I just needed air… I’m still getting used to this whole ‘actually needing to breathe to live’ thing,” she giggled deeply, joyously, at the prospect of life and breath and being here in Clarke’s arms again, her eyes closed in unadulterated bliss.

She melted at the sound of Clarke’s small laugh as the woman moved to place small kisses along the uninjured side of Lexa’s jaw and neck. She ran her hands over Clarke’s shoulders and back as she turned into her slowly, nuzzling the woman’s downy soft cheek against her own. Understanding the silent request, Clarke moved back up, sliding their lips together once more. Lexa, no longer worried about boundaries or duties or looking like an idiot, tentatively swiped her tongue forward, trying to replicate the movements Clarke had used on this very couch to deepen their last kiss before everything…

Well.

She felt more than heard the moan rumble through Clarke’s chest, the woman’s hands flying up to roughly tangle in her hair as she pushed forward. Lexa relaxed into the move, more than okay with letting Clarke drive this, she inhaled sharply as her back hit the arm of the couch-

Right before the buzzer for the apartment sounded.

Clarke sat up startled on her heels, Lexa hadn’t even noticed she pulled her legs up to facilitate her basically climbing on top of her. The woman breathed quick deep breaths as she looked around the room bewildered, almost as though she had no idea what that sound had been.

“Are you expecting company?” Lexa asked quietly, a twist in her stomach forming slowly. Clarke looked down at her blankly before they both jolted minutely as the buzzer went off again, obnoxiously longer than the first time.

Turning her head sharply in the general direction of the buzzer, Clarke scoffed quietly, “Goddamn Raven,” before she leaned back down swiftly, pecking Lexa on the lips. “I completely forgot she was coming over. You showed up and, yeah, I completely forgot. Just, just give me two minutes to get rid of her,” she rushed out as she held up an equal amount of fingers, kissing her quickly once more before hastily swiping the remnants of tears from her face as she hopped up from the couch, practically running down the hall toward her front door as the buzzer started beeping in a dreadfully monotonous rhythmic beat.

‘Ah, no wonder,’ Lexa thought to herself, remembering for the first time her concern over being let right in. It was their thing. The friends would make plans for a certain time and then just let themselves in. But in everything that had happened, it hadn’t occurred to her.

The prospect of Clarke kisses seemed to have that brain scrambling effect on her.

Sitting up straight on the couch, Lexa couldn’t help the pleased grin that stretched across her face as she ran feather soft fingertips across her lips, their gentle kiss-drenched-buzzing pleasant and invigorating in it’s newfound intensity.

She could faintly hear whispered arguing coming from down the hall before a final, “Fuck, alright, fine,” and the sound of Clarke aggressively hitting the automatic lock button to open the door downstairs. A few heavy footfalls later, just this side of stomping, Clarke’s upper torso leaned back around the corner, chagrin smile twisting at her mouth. “She’s an asshole and won’t leave until I talk to her, two more minutes but I promise, I’m getting rid of her… and never talking to her again,” she finished brightly before popping back out of sight.

Lexa laughed at the ridiculous woman she loved so much. It was all so surreal. But terrifyingly wonderful. Standing to follow Clarke, for no other reason than she didn’t want to be away from her for any stretch of time, she rounded the corner to find Clarke standing there anxiously looking out of the peephole.

“What are you doing?”

Spinning around on the spot, Clarke looked at Lexa with wide eyes. “Nothing. Well, no, I-I have to head her off at the pass otherwise she’ll just barge in and, once she’s in there’s no getting her out,” Clarke said annoyedly, arms flailing exasperatedly out the sides before falling back with a slap. As Lexa stepped closer and opened her mouth to speak, the door handle of Clarke’s apartment started to wiggle. Clarke whirled around immediately and yanked the door open.

“Look, bitch, I dragged my ass all the way across this godforsaken ci… city… who is that?” Raven said, the irritation in her voice shifting to confusion quickly.

“That’s what I was trying to say, you pushy tit, I have company,” Clarke huffed.

Eyes snapping back and forth between the two women in the apartment, Raven shot back hotly, “Well I didn’t believe you. This was supposed to be a ‘Depressed Single Bitches’ night, what are you doing making plans? And again, who are you?”

“Oh my god, can y-”

“I’m Lexa,” she waved from half-way down the hall with a small smile, hoping it would stop the two friends from dissolving into their usual harmless, yet never-ending, bickering.

“Hold up. Lexa? As in like, Lexa-Lexa?” she asked, her eyebrows shooting up her forehead.

“How many ‘Lexa’s’ have you heard of, Raven,” Clarke said, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“But I thought you weren’t seeing her anymore?” she asked, her hip jutting out as she rested a hand high up on the door frame, a confused frown on her face.

“Well, she’s here right now so, obviously we worked it out. I’m sorry I have to bail on... ‘sad bitches’ night but, I’m busy. I love you, please go home.”

“Oh my god, you’re useless,” Raven said with monotoned disdain. “The name is ‘Depressed Single Bitches’... Not that it would even make sense now, though,” motioning to Lexa’s general presence.

“Sorry?” Lexa winced slightly, not really sure how to respond to that.

“Oh,” Raven snorted, flipping a hand absently, “no. You’re fine, I’m just giving her shit. Anyway, you’re off the hook, I guess,” she continued sliding her eyes good-naturedly back over to Clarke, “so I’m gonna scram.”

“Thank you, I’ll call you tomor-,” Clarke murmured as she started to close the door.

“OH wait, wait. You still want your food?” Raven interrupted, turning back from where she had started to leave. Lexa took an unconscious step forward at the word food, her mouth filling with saliva at the thought.

“Shit, yes, thank you. Here, you keep the, yeah. And we’ll take this. I’ll pay you back, you know I will,” Clarke promised as they tag-teamed rustling through the bag, sliding out a single container for Raven to take with her.

“I’m not worried,” she rolled her eyes and smiled as she turned to leave again. “Alright well, it’s been real. Have a good night, guys... Use protection,” she called over her shoulder.

“Jesus, Raven,” Clarke groaned as she quickly closed the door.

“BYE, LEXA,” they heard the woman call through the door, her cackling fading as she moved further away toward the elevator. Clarke turned around to slump against the door, eyes meeting Lexa’s as she shook her head an embarrassed smile adorning her face.

“She cracks herself up. That’s Raven, by the way.”

“I, I know,” Lexa smiled softly, the apology clear in her eyes.

Clarke blinked for a moment before the realization seemed to dawn on her as she nodded her head softly. “Right, of course. I- yeah. So you already know how she is. That’s good actually. Usually I’m nervous to introduce her to the people I’m with. She’s got a great heart but she’s… like that,” she motioned over her shoulder. “Anyway, have you eaten?”

Licking her lips slowly, Lexa couldn’t keep her eyes off the bag in the woman’s hands for more than a few seconds. “I mean this very literally, Clarke. I have never eaten a single bite of food in my entire life, and whatever is in that bag, I want to eat all of it.”

She couldn’t stop the toothy smile that stretched broadly across her face as Clarke laughed at her sincerity, the sound full and bright in the confined space. Pushing off the door, Clarke walked up to her, wrapping a hand around her neck to pull her into for slow kiss.

Hunger for real food aside, Lexa loved the taste of her smile.

“You can have anything you want,” Clarke mumbled against her lips, before drawing back, sliding her hand down Lexa’s arm and lacing their fingers together to tug her toward the kitchen.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

“Slow down, you’re gonna choke,” Clarke chuckled as she held the woman’s free hand, gently cleaning the knuckles she wasn’t using to enthusiastically shovel food into her mouth.

Cheeks slightly bulging, Lexa froze her chewing for a second, looking slightly embarrassed. She really couldn’t help it. Never, in her entire existence, had she ever imagined food tasted like… this. Her first thought when she had slowly chewed the first morsel of chicken was that she doubted anything could top the protein. Of course she was determined to test that theory at some point, but she was pretty confident on this hunch.

She didn’t know who this General Tso was, or why a military person was in the food prep business, but the way they flavored their chicken was phenomenal.

It was sweet and salty, the glaze felt amazing and sticky against her teeth and tongue. The little zings of mild spiciness were delightful when she would run into a small pepper or chili flake, and the slightly crunchy coating to the batter kept her reaching for bite after bite. It was so far beyond anything she had envisioned.

At Clarke’s amused suggestion, she had taken the offered container of something called lo mein and excitedly dug in to those as well. Though they didn’t beat the chicken, not by a long shot in her opinion, the soft noodles mixed with crunchy vegetables were still pretty great. The textures! She had never considered how the texture of food would be so wonderful. So important.

No wonder people sometimes eat for fun. This stuff was unreal.

Now though, staring guiltily between Clarke and the mostly empty containers on the table, mouth decently loaded with more chicken and noodles than a person should need for a single bite, she felt like she might be overdoing it. She nodded a few times as she slowly finished chewing the enormous mouthful before swallowing and taking a sip of water. “Sorry, this is just… I can’t believe food tastes like this. It’s so... lord,” she laughed staring at the woman, shaking her head and wiggling her now bear toes in disbelief at the experience (the shock and appreciation of how weird, yet satisfying, it felt to walk around with no boots on long forgotten in favor of carbs and saucy goodness).

“Oh I know. I don’t let myself eat Chinese very often because I absolutely lose my shit over it and eat my full body weight's worth,” she laughed lightly. “Here, turn so I can do your other hand.” Lexa set down her fork to twist sideways on the couch they sat on. She watched as Clarke took a small wipe from a package that she used to clean her knuckles, the slight sting nothing more than an annoyance as they had pretty much scabbed over already. But she loved watching her work, her delicate hands moving against her skin made Lexa feel alive in ways she couldn’t explain.

“I can’t believe I’m here,” she whispered. Clarke looked up at her, eyes twinkling beneath long lashes.

“I can’t believe it either… I keep… waiting. To wake up or something.”

“You’re not dreaming, Clarke,” Lexa said gently, reaching up to run her thumb over the apple of her cheek, sweeping down to trace a pink bottom lip. Clarke kissed the pad against her, then turned her head to place a slow gentle kiss to her palm. The intimate touch felt like it ignited a fire in Lexa’s heart, her stomach flipping pleasantly. She leaned forward, turning Clarke forward as she captured her lips in her own.

She was quickly growing helplessly addicted to rich full feel of Clarke’s lips. The soft slick texture as they moved against her, the swipe of her tongue knocking softly against her lips sent Lexa reeling everytime as she opened her mouth to the warm request, meeting it with equal ardor. It surprised her how quickly things always seemed to escalate every time they kissed. Not that she was complaining. The sensations were so powerful she felt herself shuddering against Clarke’s hot, insistent mouth. The pit of her stomach felt a sharp twist, a pang of excitement flaring across her hips as her inner thighs started to tingle. She had never felt such a strong reaction to anything before. It was pleasant and exciting, but left her feeling like she wanted, needed, more.

A lot more.

Pulling back just enough to start trailing kisses along the path of Clarke’s neck, Lexa dragged her lips slowly up to the woman’s ear, gently skimming teeth turning to slow sucks at the desperate whine from Clarke. All thoughts of food were forgotten as Lexa’s appetite turned to a decidedly more carnal kind of hunger. Nipping lightly at the sensitive patch of skin at the top of her neck, she got an idea.

“Take a shower with me,” she whispered, lips moving to the soft of skin where the woman’s jaw curved delicately. Clarke, seeming to be having a hard time focusing on her words, hummed distractedly as she wound a hand in Lexa’s unkempt locks to keep her in place. “Take a shower with me. I want to clean this sand off, but I don’t want to be away from you right now.”

Seeming to finally break out of her Lexa-tongue induced haze, Clarke gently guided her head away as she leaned back, looking deeply into her eyes for a long moment. “Are you sure? That’s… that’s kind of an intimate thing. We haven’t really… gone that far.”

Her tone wasn’t judgemental, and she didn’t sound weirded out. That helped to ease Lexa’s heart, which had stuttered the moment the woman had pulled her away. She sounded more like she wanted to make sure Lexa wasn’t asking for something she wasn’t actually ready for. Lexa had seemed so determined to take things slowly before everything… went sideways. She naturally must have thought Lexa would be just as hesitant now to become more physical as she was then.

She was very, very wrong.

Shaking her head slightly, Lexa pulled their intertwined fingers up to lay over her pounding heart. “I don’t care,” she said softly but vehemently, “I want to be with you, in every way. I’m in love with you, Clarke, and I want to feel everything with you. That’s why I did this, so I could be with you. So I could share myself with you. All of me… and I want all of you too,” leaned forward to press a soft, short kiss to the woman’s lips, wanting her to taste her sincerity. Pulling back to rest their heads together, she couldn’t help the small shadow of doubt that crept into her mind at Clarke’s silence. “If that’s what you want, too... I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

Clarke pulled her head away, looking at her with soft eyes, the corner of her mouth tilted up with fond adoration. “Of course I want that, baby,” she said quietly, running her fingers over Lexa’s tangled hair, tucking a few strands back away from her face. “Come on, let’s put this stuff away… and then we’ll take care of you.”

///////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Lexa knew she should probably be paying attention to the instructions Clarke was giving her as she explained how the different knobs on her shower worked as well as their overall function. She knew she should.

But honestly?

All she could do was stare at the woman’s shapely butt as she bent over to fiddle with the water temperature.

She just wanted to squeeze it.

Lexa wasn’t new to feelings of attraction, obviously. She had been pining after this woman for well over two years after all, and feelings of minute arousal had of course occurred here and there. Nothing big, nothing that simply reminding herself that it wasn’t possible, or didn’t seem possible at the time, couldn’t cure. It wasn’t really in an angel's nature to have *those* kinds of feelings. Not that they couldn’t, they just tended to ignore such things. Dimiss and move on. And it wasn’t like angels ran around falling in love with humans everyday, so she had never asked anyone if they had ever felt anything like what she felt sometimes when looking at Clarke.

Lord knows she would've rather jumped off her cliff for an entirely different reason rather than ask Anya.

So no, feeling attracted to Clarke’s body wasn’t new. What, however, was new was her intense reaction to those thoughts. How they grew and expanded, one thought leading to another leading her down a rabbit hole of rather explicit mental images. Subconsciously swallowing deeply as her mind swam with thoughts of Clarke, her body fully on display and filling Lexa’s hand generously, their mouths chasing as they moved together, hips grinding against Lexa as she mo-

“Nice view?”

Her eyes snapped up to find Clarke looking at her with a smug grin, the flat hungry look on Lexa’s face coupled with the obviousness of where her gaze had been directed before being startled out of her lusty train of thought told Clarke exactly what had distracted the woman currently seated on the edge of her bathroom counter. Lexa felt the tips of her ears burn. Even though she wasn’t embarrassed, she felt just a little bit guilty for objectifying Clarke so blatantly to her face.

Very little.

‘Dumb human hormones.’

Smiling with a shrug, Lexa hopped down as she tossed out a simple, “Sorry,” careful not to knock off the set of towels placed next to her on the large counter.

“Uh huh, you look sorry,” Clarke chuckled before gently worrying her lip for a moment and sighing nervously. “Anway, it’s, um, it’s ready. I think the temp is good, but we can make it hotter or colder depending on- oh-ho my god, okay,” she laughed, startled eyes blowing wide as, right in the middle of her rambling about the shower, Lexa had decided that was obviously her cue to take off the small bandage on her brow... and then promptly remove her shirt. Jaw moving up and down slightly, random small sounds but no actual words coming out, Clarke was doing an amazing rendition of a fish.

“What?” Lexa asked self consciously, lifting the garment just enough to cover her stomach, breasts still very much on display.

“N-no, nothing. You just, you surprised me,” Clarke smiled, huffing random minute expulsions of shocked laughter between her words.

“Well I, I mean you said it was ready…” Lexa said softly, brow furrowed in confusion. “Do you not want to do this anymore? It’s okay if you don’t, I won’t be upset.”

“No!” Clarke practically yelped as she stepped forward. “Of course I do. Believe me,” she emphasized heavily, moving her eyes very pointedly towards Lexa’s semi-nude form. “You just caught me by surprise. I honestly don’t know how I thought this would go,” she chuckled, “I’m so used to everyone, myself included, being so… I don’t know, shy? I guess. About their bodies. When you whipped off your shirt like that it just surprised me. Plus the no bra thing, it was like ‘wham’, Lexa boobs… but in a good way, don’t worry. Honest. You didn’t do anything wrong, baby,” she finished, smiling softly even as she wrung her hands together to keep from reaching out.

Relaxing from her words of assurance that she hadn’t just messed everything up in some way, Lexa nodded slowly as she dropped the shirt off to the side. Sliding her hands over the curve of her hips to the button of her tight black pants and popping it open, Lexa looked down, then back up through intentionally hooded eyes. “Well, so I don’t surprise you this time,” she said softly, “I’m going to take my pants off now.” Biting her bottom lip to keep from smiling, Lexa leisurely dragged the zipper down, relishing the way Clarke’s throat bobbed as she hooked her thumbs under the sides of the material and started inching them down.

When the fabric crested over the widest swell of her hips, she heard Clarke wheeze out a quiet, “Jesus christ.”

Looking up with feigned innocence, Lexa tilted her slightly, “What is it, love?”

“Of course you’re not wearing any fucking underwear,” Clarke breathed airily, leaning a hand on the counter beside her as she slumped to the side at the sight.

Smirking wickedly, she bent to finish removing the pants from her legs, carelessly dropping them on top of her discarded shirt. She stepped forward, just far enough that she was intimately invading Clarke’s space without actually touching her. “Why would angels need those?”

“So I don’t have a stroke,” Clarke huffed her eyes wondering nonstop all along the figure in front of her. Lexa chuckled brightly at that, her hands reaching to tangle their fingers together. She lifted one up to her lips, slowly kissing each of Clarke’s knuckles.

“We definitely can’t have that… I’ve got too many plans for you.”

“Oh?”

“Mhmm… The most pressing of which, requires you taking your clothes off too,” she said quietly, reaching their hands forward to the hem of Clarke’s plain white t-shirt. Separating their fingers, both women gently pulled the material over Clarke’s head, Lexa’s heart constricting as golden hair fluttered back down around her shoulders. She tossed the shirt behind her to join the other, before reaching forward and tucking her fingers into the waistband of Clarke’s dark grey leggings. At the silent nod, she bent her knees as she drew the material down porcelain legs, eyes never leaving her favorite shade of darkened blue. Once those had joined the growing pile, she stood back up, eyes trailing languidly along Clarke’s body, enjoying how the soft, deep green material looked against her pale skin. Wordlessly she reach out, placing both hands on Clarke’s hips as she closed the remaining distant. “You’re so beautiful, Clarke.”

“So are you,” she replied, voice shaking softly. Lexa couldn’t blame her, the second their skin touched, stomachs and thighs and breasts softly pressing into one another and alining as though each were made to fit perfectly within each other’s arms, had her swallowing back a small gasp, molten heat erupting low in her belly. Sliding her hands around to small of Clarke’s back, she dragged her fingers slowly up the column of her spine, only stopping when she reached the small clasp at the back.

“May I?” She waited until Clarke nodded, their eyes staying connected as Lexa unhooked the bra, only fumbling with the clips a couple of times before it spring free. Clarke drew the straps down her arms, pulling it off entirely and letting it drop where she stood. She stepped back out of Lexa’s arms slightly, just enough for her to reach down and work her matching simple cotton underwear down and off of her legs on her own. As soon as she righted herself again, Lexa didn’t waste a second before drawing her back flush against her body.

She knew she must look a bit ridiculous, but she couldn’t help it. Her mouth dropped open very slightly, inhaling deeply at the feeling of Clarke’s lush curves molding against her own. The unrestrained push of her full breasts moving against her skin with every breath they took was intoxicating. The feel of her nipples, already hard from the affecting contact, scraping gently with each unconscious twitch and movement sent a deep throb between her thighs, so much so that she had to close her eyes to steady herself. She tipped her head forward, hand coming up to blindly pull Clarke into a slow, much needed kiss.

“Fuck,” Clarke breathed against her lips a moment later.

Lexa smirked softly as her eyes lazily opened. “Yes, that’s definitely the plan,” she hummed lowly, completely satisfied with herself. “Shower first though.” After placing a gentle kiss on the tip of her nose, she released Clarke completely to step around the woman and move toward the shower.

“She’s gonna kill me,” she heard Clarke mutter to herself, causing her to giggle quietly as she drew back the curtain and stepped in.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Standing there under the warm spray of hot water beating down on her skin, steam rising up from the floor of the shower with the feeling of strong, gentle fingers slowly sliding through her drenched hair from behind, Lexa felt a level of tranquility she didn’t know was possible until that very moment.

“You know,” Clarke said softly beside her ear, arms coming down to wrap loosely around her waist now that she was done rinsing the lavender and chamomile scented suds from the entirety of Lexa’s body, “this is really unfair.”

“What is?” Lexa smiled, leaning back into the secure hold, turning her face toward the head resting on her shoulder, laying small kisses on the temple and cheek of the slightly shorter woman.

“You’re not even an angel anymore and you still look like… that. It’s rude, to be completely honest.”

Laughing lightly, Lexa turned in her arms, hands coming up to run feather soft fingertips through the darkened strands of blonde that clung to her collarbones, then down, skirting over the sides of Clarke’s breasts and coming to rest around the woman’s hips. The wet slide of their skin causing the ache in her thighs to flare. “And how do I look?”

Clarke scoffed slightly, rolling her eyes in a soft show of incredulity. “Fucking ethereal,” she chuckled, running her hands slowly up and down Lexa’s back. “You’d think as a human at least some things would change, but no. No. Still nothing but gold laced hair and toned body and penetrating eyes.”

“Yeah?” she asked with a small smirk, leaning forward to drag her lips slowly along the hinge of Clarke’s jaw. “What about my hands?” she emphasized her point by flexing her fingers lightly as she slid them down and over the curve of Clarke’s ass, gently squeezing the flesh as she pulled Clarke more firmly against her hips. “Those still good?”

“Very,” Clarke gasped slightly as she wound her hands into Lexa’s hair.

Humming softly from the patch of skin at the base of Clarke’s throat, Lexa took a moment to admire the small mark she left in her wake (the first of many she promised herself) before pulling back enough to look directly at Clarke, her eyes glittering and dark with intent. “How about my lips?”

She really enjoyed how Clarke just stared slack-jawed at the feature in question, seemingly beyond the ability to form an intelligent response. Moving as though to kiss the woman, watching her eyes drift close in anticipation, she stopped short, just close enough that every movement caused her plump lips to ghost against smaller, deliciously cherry red ones. “And my taste?” she whispered, slowly flicking her tongue out to tease the bow of Clarke’s upper lip.

That, apparently, was the final straw for the woman. Wrapping one hand firmly around Lexa’s neck, the other cupping her jaw, Clarke unceremoniously clashed their lips together, whimpering loudly at the frisky woman’s mild dirty talk.

More than happy to fall into this woman, Lexa immediately tilted her head to deepen the kiss, sliding her tongue into a warm welcoming mouth as she turned them, pressing Clarke against the wall of her shower. Feeling the deep moan rumble through the woman pinned against her, Lexa doubled her efforts to render her completely delirious at her touch. Dragging her hands up water-slick sides, savoring the fleshy feeling of her curves and the firm ridges of her ribs beneath her fingers, eventually she moved her hands to cup the weight of Clarke’s full round breasts for the first time. It took a moment to realize the the loud moan that echoed off the tile around them had come from her own mouth, the heavy give of the flesh causing her knees to tremble as the throb between her legs spiked sharply.

As she gently rolled and plucked the nipples cupped in the small cradle between her thumb and forefinger, Lexa noticed Clarke’s hips had started to mindlessly sway forward in a slight rhythm. Instinct told her the woman was looking for more contact. That she needed more from her. Adjusting her own hips back, Lexa slipped a strong thigh between her legs, matching the curls of the woman’s hips. She took a small second to congratulate herself on her successful multitasking, before the overwhelming sensation of Clarke’s warm wet center pressing down onto her thigh chased every thought from her mind.

At the first slick grind of skin, Clarke ripped her lips away from Lexa’s mouth, head falling back with a thump against the wall, even as her hips continued to mindlessly glide along the woman against her. “Oh my fucking god,” she groaned toward the heavens.

“I want you so much,” Lexa panted hotly from where her lips had automatically fallen, resuming her nipping and sucking of the woman’s throat.

“Lex,” the word no more than a breath.

“Let’s go to your bed. I want you, love. So much,” she whispered directly to her ear, dragging her teeth lightly over the lobe as her body continued to move languidly against wet warmth. “I want to taste you… feel you inside of me.” Before she knew what was happening, Clarke had grabbed her hips and forcibly shifted her backwards, turned and shut the water off leaving Lexa confused and surprisingly cold. Without a word, Clarke grabbed her hand as she wrenched open the curtain and stepped out. Finally catching on, Lexa followed her quickly out of the shower before Clarke turned around and hooked her hands around the backs of Lexa’s thighs and lifted.

A joyous yelp escaped her as she was swiftly picked up and settled back down the bathroom counter, sat on top of the extra towel Clarke had set out for her before their shower. “Now who’s stronger than they look,” Lexa laughed lightly, arms still resting relaxedly on the woman’s shoulders from they had grabbed her to steady herself in her surprise airborne trip to her seat.

“I’ve been lifting patients for over ten years,” Clarke smirked, grabbing the second towel to start drying Lexa’s rapidly curling hair. Lips pulling to the side, Lexa took the soft towel from her hands and started quickly but gently drying the woman’s shoulders, arms, chest and hips. Haphazardly swiping it over herself, she spared a quick glance to toss it behind Clarke’s back before winding her arms back around her neck, fingers combing and softly scratching through blonde curls.

“Think you can make it all the way to bed?” she challenged, smiling devilishly as she wrapped long legs around the body pressed against her.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

The feel of Clarke’s hands roughly gripping her upper thighs as they tumbled onto the soft sheets of her bed had Lexa’s head spinning.

Sucking in gulps of air when she could, trying to steady her wildly hammering heart, Lexa yielded to the woman’s gentle urging as she slowly shuffled up the length of the mattress, lips still fused together as Clarke’s tongue moved wickedly against her own. Moving fluidly with the woman beneath her, Clarke reached a hand up to cradle the back of her head as she went to rest against the pillows at the top of the bed.

The weight of Clarke settling down between her spread thighs was beyond anything she had imagined all those nights, alone on her cliff top, heartsick and desperately yearning for a different reality. She never could have possibly conceived the delicious sensations ricocheting through her body as she felt the warm firm press of Clarke’s stomach against the most sensitive places of her body, each wet drag of skin or rake of nipple scraping against her own left her gasping into the incessant mouth. Each wanton moan seemed to spur Clarke on, her hips devastatingly pushing down and into Lexa.

“Jesus, Lex. You’re so wet,” Clarke breathed against the severe line of her collarbone, fingers coming up to gently cup and massage Lexa’s small, pert breasts. Hands working over flesh of her chest, thumbs pressing and rolling her nipples into stiff peaks, had Lexa’s hip undulating beyond her control. She could feel herself spreading a thick stripe of arousal across Clarke’s lower stomach, the woman’s firm public bone providing just enough friction for Lexa to feel like she was crawling out of her own skin.

“Please, baby,” she panted moving Clarke’s face up for a deep and grounding kiss. “Please, touch me.”

“Are you sure?” Clarke asked between long draws from devastatingly plump chasing lips, even while she moved to support herself on one arm, the other already trailing down toned abdominals, nails scratching teasingly over the jut of sharp hip bones. “I don’t want to rush y-”

Her words cut off with a deep inhale as Lexa, thoroughly done with waiting, took Clarke’s hand and placed it over her own slippery, drenched folds. She moaned quietly, feeling Clarke’s fingers instinctually begin to run up and down through her wetness, her own hand coming back up to lace through damp blonde strands. She tipped Clarke’s head forward, resting their foreheads together, her hips bucking softly with every swirl and swipe.

"Do you feel that?” Clarke could only whine softly, nodding minutely as they both struggled to keep their eyes open. “I’ve wanted you for so long, Clarke. I’ve dreamed about your fingers, and your mouth,” she struggled to form words, sucking in sharp trembling breaths as Clarke started rubbing patterns and circles over her aching clit. “I would think about you... about this. You on me, pinning me to your bed or… mmm or bent over the couch. Touching me everywhere, fucking me, over and ov-”

Clarke’s head snapped up, her eyes wide and mouth hanging open, but it was the abrupt ceasing of friction below decks that caused Lexa to groan in protest, thighs squeezing around hips in unconscious encouragement to keep moving.

“Did you just cuss?”

Blinking a few times, chest heaving, it took Lexa a second to respond to the shift of conversation. “Wh-what?”

“Did you just cuss?” Clarke asked again, her eyebrows lifted and a slow smile spreading across her lips.

Rolling her eyes with a huff at the ridiculous woman hovering above her, Lexa could only smile breathlessly as she dropped her hands to lay on the pillow on either side of her head. “That’s really what you’re focusing on right now?”

“Well… yeah?,” she chuckled lightly. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you cuss... Have I?”

“No,” Lexa shook her head softly, reaching up to tuck a small curl back from her face. “Angel’s don’t curse, and I’ve been a little focused on… other things, since I got here.”

“Well for the record? It’s really fucking hot.”

Seeing the smug look on Clarke’s face lit a strange small fire in Lexa’s chest, adoring this woman and her stupid ego so much, but still deciding she needed to knock her back down a peg or two in the moment. Wordlessly, Lexa started rolling her hips softly, languidly sliding herself across the two fingers Clarke still held frozen against her, not having moved an inch in her... surprise at Lexa’s new vocabulary choices. She stared up at Clarke through lidded glassy eyes, the smile slowly slipping from the woman’s face as the smirk on Lexa’s grew. “You say that, and yet…”

“You’re going to kill me, woman,” Clarke growled lowly, leaning down to recapture lush lips in a heated kiss.

She didn’t stay for long though. As her fingers worked against Lexa, she moved with new confidence and intent down the column of her neck, sucking long, open mouthed kisses along the expanse of her sternum.

Lexa felt herself clench viciously around nothing as soft lips wrapped around her right nipple, teeth gently worrying and rolling it’s pebbled texture. She whimpered at the dual assault, the warm mouth on her breasts, moving every few moments to pay equal attention to her nipples, the fingers at her clit never relenting. She felt her thighs start to tremble uncontrollably, an internal pressure starting to building in the pit of her stomach that caused her hips rhythm to falter every few strokes.

Desperate and feeling as though the world was collapsing in on her, like she was suspended and tumbling over the crest of a pleasure saturated tidal wave and not sure where she would land, Lexa groaned deeply, using one hand to pull Clarke’s face up to kiss her through this riotous crescendo, the other thrown back to cling white-knuckled to the smooth strong slats of the bed’s headboard. Not a heartbeat later, she felt Clarke’s fingers lightly pinch the sides of her clit, massaging in tight fast circles as she breathed, “Come for me,” against taught, stretched wide lips.

She felt her entire body lock up at the command, the almost vibrating feeling Clarke was managing to create caused the coil inside of her to pop, the very earth beneath her shaking at the intensity of its release. Hips shooting forward to press harder into the feeling, Lexa’s head pushed as far back into the soft pillows as it could go, her clamped shut eyes saw bursting small spirals of color as her inner muscles contracted and snapped in deliciously pounding quakes. She could vaguely hear the sounds coming out of her own mouth, a litany of whimpers and soft, feminine groans flooded the hazy bubble of rapture surrounding her.

Feeling the intense waves begin to subside, Lexa slowly slid her eyes open as her hips dropped back down to the mattress, now slightly wet with sweat and her release. Not that she cared. All she cared about was the darkened blue eyes gazing lovingly into her own. The vision alone made her hips twitch and rock in aftershocks.

Chest heaving and thighs still tightly trembling against plush hips, Lexa couldn’t help the small tear that escaped as Clarke leaned forward to capture her smile in a kiss.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

“Say it.”

“Shush.”

“Say iiiit.”

“Tsk, you’re so ridiculous… fine. Pussy.”

Clarke couldn’t stop the soft delighted laughter that tumbled out of her mouth. It really was absolutely juvenile but the sound of this sweet, always soft, and loving being saying things like ‘fuck me’ and ‘pussy’ just sent Clarke over the edge. It was sexy as all hell when she was whimpering it desperately into the heavy, sex charged air of her bedroom, but watching her laying there, sated and sleepy against her sheets was comedic delight for whatever reason.

Joining her laughter drowsily, Lexa just shook her head fondly, eyes never actually opening. “Two fingers rubbing my *pussy*, and you decide my cursing is the showstopper? I honestly don’t know if I should be offended.”

“Of course not. I thought it was cute… and very sexy.”

“Yes… Very sexy,” she woman nodded minutely, her words slurring and trailing off the longer she spoke.

Knowing the woman had to be exhausted from… well she wasn’t quite clear on the particulars of Lexa’s entire day, but she did know the woman had been valiantly fighting the need for sleep since she had arrived. So, allowing them to fall into a comfortable silence, Clarke just silently continued to smile down at her from where she was propped up, her head resting on a fist as the other trailed delicate fingers over and around small perfect breasts, connecting and creating patterns between freckles and soft patches of skin, every movement meant to be soothing rather than stimulating. Her eyes glided serenely across every bit of skin on display. The relaxed set of her brow, her otherworldly collarbones and jawline, deep pink nipples, looking all the richer next to creamy skin surrounding them... the small belly button that adorably peeked out just above the light sheet that covered her from the waist down.

Hearing the third gentle hum break the silence within the last few minutes, Clarke couldn’t stop the affectionate smile she pressed to the ball of Lexa’s shoulder as her hand stilled over the dozing woman’s heart. “You sleepy, baby?”

“Mmmm,” she hummed again. “No, just… need a minute.”

Definitely believing that complete lie, she whispered softly, “Shh, just sleep,” before rolling onto her back to leave her be and let the woman slip deeper into her dreams.

As she laid there, replaying the night in her mind, she was breathless at the thought that they were actually here. She had spent over a week shattered at the loss of this woman.

This woman, this angel who ate Chinese takeout like it was Michelin star level cuisine and said some of the dorkiest shit she had ever heard in her life. This angel who visited sick kids in her downtime and made sure to push back every single time Clarke said anything less than flattering about herself. This angel who, apparently, with just the slightest bit of encouragement, turned into an absolute life-ruiner in the best of ways… this angel who had given up everything, who had literally moved heaven and earth for her... To be with her. Clarke felt overwhelmed, yet so unbelievably blessed. She had no idea how this would go, how they could work together to move forward. There were still talks to be had, feelings and emotions and tattered bits of her heart to be mended. But for now, here in this moment, she was exactly where she wanted to be.

She wanted this just as much Lexa did. And though she didn’t know how she would ever in a million years be able to show it, to repay the sacrifice Lexa had made so they could be together, she vowed silently to herself and the heavens above that she would spend everyday trying her best to do just that…

If only the woman could stay awake for longer than five minutes after a single orgasm.

Not that Clarke was disappointed. Was she uncomfortably wet? Without a doubt. Would she do anything to disturb the woman’s peaceful sleep. Not for a million fucking dollars.

But, she was pleasantly surprised when a few minutes after having moved away, a sleep-heavy arm drifted back, hand searching blindly and somewhat erratically until it found her waist. A low grumble was her only warning before Lexa gracelessly rolled completely over, immediately slinging a long leg across her hips, arm flopping over her ribs as her head softly crash landed under Clarke’s chin.

She had to try desperately not to laugh at the dead weight and messy tangle of limbs and hair now splayed across her, knowing the movement of her giggles would jiggle the woman awake. Instead, she tucked her lips firmly between her teeth, taking slow steadying breaths through her nose to ride out her amusement.

Once she got herself under control, she maneuvered a bit, angling more towards Lexa and rearranging their legs into an actually comfortable position. Managing to pry her arm out from where it had been pinned between herself and the softly snoring woman, she gently wrapped it around her shoulders, scooting her more securely onto her chest. Lexa, thankfully, was very much pliant under all of Clarke’s slight adjustments, settling immediately into the more intimate hold, the arm now around Clarke’s lower waist squeezing slightly before it relaxed again.

Settling into the bliss and tranquility of the moment, of feeling herself completely immersed in this precious being, Clarke let her eyes drift close, succumbing to her own emotional and physical exhaustion.

This would be the first good night’s sleep she had in over a week.

Chapter Text

Lavender.

That was the first thing she registered as Lexa started to become aware of herself. She could feel the gentle rays of sun spilling through the window off to the side of the bed, heating her legs and hips pleasantly, thankfully at an angle that wasn’t shining directly into her face. Everything around her was warm and soft, and each slow lungful of air she breathed smelled of the sweet little flowers, mixed with fresh laundry soap and Clarke.

Wonderfully intoxicating Clarke.

That’s when she remembered she was really here. She was actually with Clarke. Clarke, who she had hugged and kissed and was finally able to be entirely real with; who she could finally have an actual chance at a future with. Clarke, who accepted her and fed her and cleaned her wounds, held her as they fell asleep last night after she... after they... Oh.

Oh, no.

Well, that’s embarrassing.

Feeling the tips of her ears burn brightly, Lexa very slowly peeked one eye open. The first thing her gaze fell on (as it was literally inches away from her face) was a pretty decent sized portion of cleavage displayed above the top of the sheet wrapped around the woman’s ample chest. ‘Good morning to me,’ she thought with a small smile, then mentally slapped herself at her lecherous mind. She let her eyes wander slowly up to land on the relaxed face above her, Clarke’s features still slack with peaceful sleep.

She couldn’t stop the smile spreading over her mouth, even tucking her lip gently between her teeth didn’t do anything to tone down it’s magnitude. She felt her heart strumming in stuttered leaps as she took in the woman who had obviously held her close through the night. Sliding her hand over and up from where it rested low on Clarke’s hip, she trailed her fingertips over the muscles and notches of her back, enjoying the way they shifted and yielded with each slumbering breath.

Lexa’s lineage may have read ‘angelic’ on paper, but Clarke had her beat in terms of ‘heavenly being’ in that moment, no question about it in her mind.

Laying there silently for a few minutes, Lexa eventually lost the internal war being waged, giving up and leaning forward to place a gentle kiss on the sleeping woman’s neck. Just the one though…

But then the thought occurred to her that, logically speaking, the other side of her neck had to feel left out. Figuring it was her due diligence as the person madly in love with the woman, Lexa leaned up slightly on her forearm to press a lingering kiss the the previously neglected side.

Looking down, the apples of Clarke’s cheeks looked decidedly beautiful this morning, slightly rosy and tempting in the cast-off light of the sun. Her mind wondered for a moment if the skin there was, in fact, as soft as the skin on her neck. Being an avid fan of the scientific method (she was), she realized testing the theory was the only way to decide. Nuzzling the downy soft skin with her nose first, she inhaled her sweet scent before pressing her lips once, then twice to swell and dip of each of Clarke’s cheeks.

Just to double check her findings to validate her research, she moved back down, slowly dragging her lips across the tendons and hollows of the woman’s throat. But before she had thoroughly reached a concrete conclusion, she felt a small rumble vibrate beneath her mouth.

“Mmmm, morning,” Clarke husked softly, bringing a hand up to comb through Lexa’s curls.

Abandoning all scientific pursuits immediately, Lexa leaned back, smiling as she watched hazy blues lazily blink open. “Good morning,” she whispered, moving down to capture pliant pink in a soft kiss. Sleepy lips moved heart-shatteringly slowly, feeling gooey and delicious against her own, like warm honey and sweet dreams. When she tried to deepen it though, she felt Clarke laugh lightly against her as she twisted her face to the side.

“You don’t want to do that.”

“Yes, I really do,” she argued softly, taking the opportunity to let her mouth traverse newly presented sprawling plains of skin.

“Neither one of us remembered to brush last night. Believe me, you don’t want to,” she breathed even as she pressed a hand in between Lexa’s shoulder blades, trying to hold her in place, encouraging her attention on a particularly sensitive spot.

Pulling back slightly, just enough that she could look Clarke in the eyes, Lexa brought a hand up to run a gentle finger over the woman’s dark blonde brow. “I don’t care about that stuff. I want you every way I can have you.” She dipped back down, nipping at Clarke’s chin, “Even smelly and with bad breath,” she added with a grin.

“I am not smelly, you shit,” Clarke laughed, fingers moving to pinch her sides. Yelping through a laugh at the feeling, Lexa quickly caught the attacking hands in her own, lacing their fingers together and pinning them to pillow on either side of Clarke’s head as she kicked the sheet down to swiftly straddle her hips.

“Of course you're smelly, you smell delicious,” she cheeked, leaning down to gently press her nose against the soft patch of skin behind Clarke’s ear. “I love the way you smell,” she whispered, pressing a lingering kiss to the tender skin before pulling back. “I’m sorry I fell asleep last night,” she added sheepishly, cheeks flushed lightly in embarrassment.

“Don’t apologize for that, baby. I could tell how tired you were.”

Smiling softly at the kindhearted, understanding woman, she released one hand to tuck her hair back as she leaned down to pepper a few tender kisses over her heart. Unfortunately, the woman’s skin proved to be extremely distracting, Lexa already being hopelessly addicted to the full measure of it’s smooth warmth beneath her lips. “I’m not tired now,” she husked, trailing her lips down over the swell of her chest. Lexa couldn’t stop the unconscious slow rocking of her hips against Clarke’s lower abdomen as she sucked a small mark to the underside of the woman’s left breast. Feeling fingers threading through her hair that she decided to take as silent encouragement, Lexa released the flesh with a quiet pop. Seeing the slightly reddened skin she left in her wake had her inhaling deeply, licking a slow stripe up to wrap plump lips around an already straining nipple.

“Mmm, Lex,” Clarke laughingly chided through a small groan. “Wh… what about the um, the… tooth, teeth,” she said haltingly, her voice becoming breathier as her hips began minutely rocking in time with Lexa.

“Later,” she replied absently, diligently switching to the neglected nipple as she used her free hand to tend the abandoned breast. She loved the feeling, the contrast of the soft flesh’s give with the stiff peak of her nipple as she gently massaged her fingers. She rolled and pinched the bud between tapered fingers, mirroring the movements of her tongue as she drew wide and then narrowing circles around it. She couldn’t replicate the flick motion her tongue was capable of, but she found Clarke vocally showed her enjoyment loudly when she would pluck and tug instead. When she would suck gently, her hand would cup the soft weight, loving the small tickling sensation against her palm that came with each movement and breath.

“But… but, baby, we-”

Her words were cut off as Lexa swiftly detached from Clarke's breast to lean forward, capturing her lips in a soft kiss. She shifted her hips to slide a firm thigh between Clarke’s legs, seamlessly falling back into the slow grind they had built up, Lexa used the small gasp Clarke released to glide her tongue forward and flick against the roof of her mouth. “Later,” breathed quietly into Clarke's lips before immediately slipping back inside. She moaned as she felt Clarke start to massage her tongue with her own, apparently having been sold by Lexa’s complex and compelling argument.

She could feel how wet Clarke was against her thigh, their movements having sped up just slightly, the rocking turning into a messier sort of grind as they chased the feeling of slick skin rolling over aching folds. Lexa felt an intense throbbing in her core, a desperation of wanting and needing more.

But ultimately she wanted this to be about Clarke. She trailed her free hand over breasts and collarbones, across ribs and down over the smooth thigh on her hip, Clarke having wrapped a leg around Lexa, her heel and calf resting against her ass to anchor herself into the exquisite assault. Breaking the kiss to breathe in some much needed air, Lexa dropped her head to rest on the pillow, her face tucked in close and nose pressed to blonde hair, not wanting any space between them. “I want to make you feel good,” she panted softly into her neck, “tell me what to do.”

“You’re doing pretty good right now,” Clarke chuckled slightly through small moans as her hips continued to push and slide against her in equal measure, free hand wandering over slim arms and the flexing muscles of her back and shoulders.

“I want to make you feel how you made me feel,” she whispered, angling up to drag gentle teeth along her lobe. “I want to watch you come. Feel you fall apart beneath me… Tell me what to do.” The low whine Clarke released at her words as her movements faltered slightly had Lexa grinning into the woman’s shoulder.

She really liked how effected Clarke seemed to be by her words every time they were intimate.

“Fuck, Lex… your fingers, use your fingers.”

“Here?” she asked, her voice sounding deep in her own ears as she shifted her thigh enough to rake nails through the small patch of drenched dark blonde above her slit. “Like this?”

She experimentally used three fingers to massage the puffy outer lips, enjoying how her hand glided against the soft flesh. Feeling the extent of Clarke’s wetness against her fingers was intoxicating, thick and slippery in the most delicious of ways. After a few broad massaging swipes, she used two fingers to gently part the folds, her middle finger sliding up and down the length of her to gather the copious moisture up toward the stiff, quivering clit at the top, circling the tender swollen bud.

“Oh fuck,” Clarke groaned, head pitching forward, lust clouded eyes watching the slim hand working between her legs. “Yes, baby. Fuck, keep going.”

Lexa lifted her head slightly as well, watching the reactions to her movements play across the woman’s face. She had never seen anything sexier than Clarke in that moment; dark eyes struggling to stay open as they hungrily watched every drag and circle of her fingers against undulating hips, mouth slack as she sucked in gasps of air between small staccatoed moans.

“Can I?” she asked quietly, resting her head against the woman’s temple as she moved down to ghost her fingers lightly over her tight entrance before moving back up to resume rolling the hardened clit between two soft fingertips. “I want to feel all of you.”

Clarke dropped her head back sharply, a low whimper escaping her as she nodded vigorously. “Oh my fucking god,” she breathed blindly, her eyes having snapped shut at the request. “Y-yes, baby. Please,” she strained out, her hips raising more forcefully than they had before, as though she were chasing the fingers that had teased her opening.

Not needing any more encouragement than that, Lexa slid back down, making sure to coat her fingers thoroughly from tip to knuckle in wetness, before tentatively placing a single digit against the contracting ring of muscles. As she pushed forward, she felt them give way easily with each bit of pressure she used. Feeling the velvety texture envelope her, the small ridges and grooves of her walls clamping and suckling at her finger as she slid completely inside, punched the air entirely from her lungs. She took a moment when she felt herself completely sheathed in the tight space, its warm wetness clinging and massaging around her.

“Fuck,” she panted out, her lips pressed against Clarke’s collarbone as she kissed and licked any skin within reach to help ground herself through these earth-shattering sensations. “You feel amazing, Clarke.”

“Thanks, gorgeous. But I, I really need you to move,” the voice above her strained.

“Sorry,” she grinned lightly as she carefully withdrew her finger before pressing back in.

“No-mmm,” Clarke groaned lowly as Lexa started to move, “no need to apologize. Just fuck me.”

“Yes, ma’am,” She replied, smiling smugly at the command as she nipped the skin below her, then soothing it with her tongue. She moved her finger in and out a few times, enjoying how the muscles danced around her with each push. Feeling like the woman was sufficiently relaxed enough, and without a doubt wet enough, she slid another finger in line with the first, pushing them both inside on the next stroke.

She felt nails dig into her shoulder at the action, nonsensical vowels and consonants flowing from parted lips as Clarke’s hips shot up at the stretch. “Is this okay?” she whispered hotly, decently sure Clarke’s reaction meant she liked it but still wanting to make she hadn’t done something wrong and made her uncomfortable.

Something along the lines of, “Hnnggud,” was the only reply she received beyond the sudden increase of slick leaking out around her fingers.

She decided she was going to take that as an ‘all good’.

She increased her pace gradually, shifting her hips behind her hand as her forearm started to burn. No sex for angels was really a waste, she thought idly, as arm fatigue and muscle cramps weren’t an issue for their kind. Focusing back on the task at… hand, the shift helped her put slightly more force behind her trusts. It also changed the angle of her own center, spreading herself more open against lifted thigh tucked between her own legs. The new contact allowed her clit direct friction against soft skin, her eyes rolling slightly into her head with each thrust and causing her brain to short-circuit.

The two sensations had that newly familiar feeling of pressure building low in her stomach once more as she moved to rest her forehead against Clarke’s. “You’re so beautiful. You feel so good, love. So amazing.” She felt the woman beginning to tighten around her fingers as she started curling them with each thrust, liking the way a particular soft, spongy patch of Clarke’s inner walls felt against her fingertips. She noticed when she rubbed it and dragged her fingers against it, the woman’s hips and thighs would tense and hitch forward as her moans and whimpers grew in volume.

The movement also helped push her own peak closer, nipples aching almost painfully with each scrape of skin, thighs starting to shake as she felt the coil within her winding up as though ready to spring. “I love you… I love you so much... Love being inside of you,” Lexa panted softly. “You feel so good wrapped around me. So warm... and tight, around my fingers. Fuck, baby... Do you hear how wet you are?” she paused her words long enough for the shlicking sounds of her fingers relentlessly fucking into the woman to fill the air around them. “So wet for me. I want to watch you come so bad. Can you come for me?”

Feeling the woman tense underneath her, her back bowing into the air as her hips shivered and froze, the muscles surrounding her clamped down harder than Lexa had felt before and sent her head spinning. She dropped her palm to lay flush with her clit, rubbing in gentle circles to push her further into oblivion. She watched as Clarke’s mouth stretched open, a soft keening sound coming from her lips as one hand squeezed their still laced fingers tightly while the other flew down, grasping a handful of Lexa’s ass and pulling roughly.

The hand on her backside caused Lexa to slide forward just enough to give a final roll to her clit against a tense thigh, igniting and setting off her own climax like a firework. As she shook against the woman beneath her, Clarke seemed to unfreeze from her suspended state of overwhelming pleasure on the crest of her orgasm, her hips dropping back down as they rocked together in a messy arrhythmic grind of limbs and skin.

Lexa moved her mouth to capture glistening lips, swallowing her panting moans and blissful sighs, wanting to collect the sounds of Clarke’s rapture in her heart and mind to carry with her always.

Feeling the muscles that had been violently snapping and clenching around her fingers begin to relax and grow quiet, Lexa slowly withdrew from soft folds, wincing slightly as she accidentally brushed Clarke’s oversensitive clit, causing the woman to squeak out a tiny noise as her hips jumped. “Shhh, I’m sorry, love,” she mumbled against relaxed lips, the pace of their kisses having slowed to languid long draws from each other’s mouths as their breathing eventually evened out.

Breaking the kiss as she moved slightly to the side, just enough to remove some of the weight of her spent body from on top of the woman trapped beneath her, Lexa gently laid her head on a relaxed shoulder. Mind still foggy with release, she looked down the length of their still very much entwined bodies. Her leg, heavy and slick with Clarke’s arousal, was slung low over one hip while her hand lay limply on Clarke’s upper waist. She liked the gentle lulling effect of rising and falling with Clarke’s slow, steady breathing mixed with the soft sated hums coming from above.

“That was… impressive.”

Craning her neck upward to look into hazy, twinkling blue, Lexa couldn’t stop the shy smile playing at her lips. “Yeah?”

“Don’t pretend like you don’t know how good that was,” Clarke laughed lightly, shaking her head as her eyes blinked lazily. “I don’t even want to know how you’re so good at that.”

Lexa snorted softly at her words, leaning forward to place a slow kiss to her lips while ignoring the blush that crept up her neck. “I’ve thought about doing this quite often, in case you weren’t aware of that by now.”

“What? Using your feminine wiles to seduce me first thing in the morning?” she teased.

“Mhm. Amongst other things,” she hummed, nodding gently as she started slowly peppering kisses over Clarke’s jaw and neck, her hand sliding up to cup a voluptuous round br-

“Uh uh, not this time,” Clarke laughed fuller this time, catching the wandering hand by the wrist and lifting as she sluggishly scooted away toward the edge of the bed.

Ignoring Lexa’s scoff of dismay at her plans for round two being thwarted, Clarke rose from the bed and stretched her arms above her head as she turned to smile down at her, laughing at the grumpy frown being aimed directly at her breasts. “Stop pouting. I really need to pee and brush my teeth. C’mon, I’ve got a spare you can use,” she said as she started walking to her bathroom. Just as she was about to round the door frame, Clarke turned and caught Lexa’s eye in a mischievous look. “Get up now and I’ll make you breakfast,” she whispered in a terribly corny and over-the-top tone of seduction, wagging her brows at the woman in her bed before disappearing.

Perking up immediately, Lexa kicked and fought for a second with the sheets tangled at her feet before springing from the bed and hot-footing it into the bathroom after her.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

“It’s really hard to focus when you do that,” Clarke smiled, despite tilting her head to grant Lexa easier access.

“Oh, sorry,” she hummed, still pressing suckling kisses against the woman’s neck. Her hands skated down the material of Clarke's soft cotton shirt, lifting it just high enough away from her small shorts to plants hands on bare plush hips, pulling them back to rest tightly against her own. “Is that better?”

“No,” Clarke chuckled, reaching the hand not holding a spatula around to tap a round butt cheek through the material of one of her button downs. “If you don’t stop I’m going to burn breakfast and then you’ll regret everything.”

“I could never regret kissing you,” she smirked into soft skin.

“Sweet talker… but seriously, baby, go sit. I’m almost done.”

Breathing an exaggeratedly suffering sigh, Lexa nodded with a final squeeze of her hands and press of lips before releasing her. She walked exactly two feet to her left and hoisted herself up onto the countertop beside Clarke, hissing slightly at the cold tiles against the skin unprotected by skimpy underwear and an oversized button-down she had snagged from Clarke’s closet.

“That’s what you get,” Clarke laughed at her mildly disgruntled face, watching her shift slightly at the chill on her backside. “So unsanitary.”

“What? I showered.”

“And then had sex. Twice.”

“It’s fine.”

“Your ass cheeks are on the surface where I make toast.”

“Want me to move?” she grinned, leaning elbows on her knees and swinging long, bare legs that dangled over the edge. Rolling her eyes, Clarke just shook her head as she went back to finishing their food. Lexa bit her lip in triumph, moving back to rest her head against the cabinets behind her. “That smells amazing.”

“Thanks. I don’t usually do all this but I really, really wanna see your face when you try bacon,” she smirked excitedly. “Speaking of your face, you look so much better.”

“Yeah?” she asked absently, looking down and noticing the scabbing on her knuckles did look smaller, the skin around it only light pink instead of angry red.

“Yeah. Bruising’s pretty much gone on your jaw" she said, reaching over to slightly turn Lexa's head as she assessed her injuries. "Your lip looks good, the one over your eye doesn’t even look bad… Do you heal differently or something? Faster?”

“Oh, I have no idea,” she shrugged cluelessly, thinking not for the first time how she wished she had asked Barb a few more logistical questions.

“I’m gonna go ahead and guess yes, considering yesterday you showed up looking like you had freshly gotten your ass handed to you and by this morning those look several days old,” she chuckled in amused disbelief. “I guess that’s just a funky little perk.”

Lexa only smiled and hummed blissfully at the sound, loving every single thing about this moment. “You’re the only perk I care about... And I can’t wait for those,” she nodded toward the pans Clarke was tending to on the stovetop. One held something the woman referred to as her ‘famous cheesy eggs’, while the other had two slathered pieces of cinnamon-y french toast frying. It smelled rich and fragrant in the open room, the quiet sizzling from the various foods cooking filled the tranquil air as warm rays of sunlight filtered through the broad window above the sink.

This was everything Lexa had ever envisioned for a slow morning with Clarke. She knew that other mornings wouldn’t be like this, that the idyllic euphoria of their beginning would fade into a softer form of intimate repetitiveness, but she didn’t care. She’d love that too, she was sure of it, because anything that involved Clarke was precious to her. But right now, she basked in the feeling of being in the moment, watching a personal daydream play out around her. She cherished this moment. Just like she’d cherish every other dream she was lucky enough to fulfill with this woman. Every kiss and caress, every disagreement and argument. The peaceful nights of movies and cuddling, the quiet mornings in bed, the more rushed mornings of gathering Clarke’s things as the harried woman tried to get out of the door on time for-

“Hey, wait. Why aren’t you at work?” she asked suddenly as the thought dropped like a brick into her mind.

“Oh um,” Clarke said as she checked the underside of the french toast before turning the burners off... and avoiding Lexa’s eyes entirely, “I took the day off.”

“Why?” Lexa asked, tilting her head to the side to try and catch her gaze. “You didn’t have to miss work, I would’ve been fine until you got h- got off.”

“No, it, it wasn’t that,” she said quietly, walking over to take the sheet rack of bacon out of the oven, clicking the timer off before it had a chance to hit zero and blare across the kitchen. “After your friend... Anya? Showed up yesterday… I was kind of distracted. My head was just,” she sighed heavily, “My head just wasn’t in the right space to being taking care of tiny lives, so I took the weekend off to get my shit together. But I have the time saved up so it’s, it’s fine.”

Lexa could tell the woman was trying for nonchalance, to shrug off what had obviously been such an upsetting afternoon that she actually felt like she wasn’t mentally able to focus on her patients, but she could hear the strain and self-criticism in her voice. Silently lowering herself down from the counter, Lexa moved to stand behind the woman at the kitchen island. Slowly raising her arms to timidly slip around soft hips and belly, Lexa was thankful when Clarke didn’t pull away from the hold, instead relaxing back into her chest as she squeezed her gently. “I’m so sorry, love,” she whispered miserably from where she had rested her bowed head against the back of Clarke’s neck. “I’m so sorry I did that to you, this is all my fault.”

“No, hey,” she said gently, turning to face Lexa and wrapping her arms lightly around the taller woman’s neck. “It’s okay, Lex.”

“It’s really not,” she argued softly, shaking her head with a frown. “You had to go home from your job that you love because you were so upset. Because of me, because I hurt you.”

“... But you also made it better,” Clarke tried with a weak smile. But it only served to make Lexa feel worse.

“Clarke, I don’t want you to feel like you have to pretend none of that happened. It’s okay to be angry with me. Or sad. Or whatever else you feel.”

“I know that.”

“I want you to tell me how you fe-”

“And I will,” she said, cutting her off with a kiss. “I will. I promise, but right now? I just want to have breakfast... with my girlfriend. Okay?” she finished, words broken up between small presses of their lips.

The word made her heart thrum and pound inside of her chest as it rocked her to her core. She felt her stomach swoop and her knees turn weak thinking about how the woman had said the word so casually; like it was obvious and as natural as breathing. Lexa swallowed thickly to fight off the sting of joyous tears as she nodded slowly. “Okay… if you’re sure.”

“I’m sure, baby,” Clarke assured immediately. “We’ll talk. We have plenty of time to talk about anything we want. Right now though, I’m hungry and I really want to watch you while you try all this stuff,” she smiled as she trailed her hands over the collar of Lexa’s shirt before turning back to her work.

“Anything I can help with?” Lexa asked as she stepped forward, pressing her front against the woman again. They both froze for a moment as the last time this exact tableau had transpired flashed across her mind. Wincing slightly as Clarke turned her head to smirk at her, eyebrow raised to silently show that yes, she had caught that too. “Sorry,” she whispered.

“You’re fine,” Clarke chuckled while divvying up the various food items, “do you even know how to do anything in the kitchen?”

“I can tear up and wash a mean head of lettuce?” she joked feebly into her neck, glad when Clarke laughed lightly.

“That’s what I thought. Don’t worry though,” she said through her mirth, “everything’s done. Just grab the plates and I’ll make some coffee.”

“None for me, please.”

Her eyes widened slightly as the woman in her arms wheeled around abruptly, hands coming up to gently clutch the loose edges of her shirt that hung open, the garment only being held shut by a few buttons across her waist. “What do you mean none for you? You have to try some.”

“No offense, love, but that stuff smells terrible every time you make a cup.” She tried desperately not to laugh at the horrified look that fell over Clarke’s face.

Pleading vehemently as she clutched her chest, Clarke ground out dramatically, “How can you say such blasphemous things? I realize you’re an exceedingly horny angel who fell from heaven to have a gay relationship with a woman. But my god, Lexa. Have some decency.”

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

“I’m not admitting anything.”

“Don’t be stubborn, just admit you like it.”

Rolling her eyes softly, Lexa relented… slightly. “Fine. I guess it’s… tolerable. It tastes good with the french toast. Happy?”

“Very, thank you,” Clarke answered extremely pleased with herself.

The truth was that she did like the coffee Clarke had made, surprised that her human nose actually liked the smell of it a lot more than her angel nose had, it’s deep earthy richness relaxing a small piece of herself that she couldn’t quite identify. The flavor was nice too. Terrible and bitter when it was in it’s simple black state, once Clarke added a spoonful of sweetened creamer it was actually quite pleasant. And yes, especially paired with the spice-y cinnamon taste of the french toast.

Whatever.

The self-satisfied look on Clarke’s face, though breathtakingly adorable, had her holding back the full scope of her enjoyment of the beverage, for no other reason than to not add to the woman’s massive ego. Even if it did make her heart hammer to see Clarke so happy, there were no moral dilemmas against messing with her.

Besides, Clarke had already had her fun when Lexa tried the bacon as soon as they sat down in her living room. The coffee paled so far down the list of deliciousness in comparison that Lexa honestly didn’t understand why Clarke cared so much whether she liked it. She… she couldn’t talk about bacon coherently. That one she had had no qualms with admitting was, hands down, the best thing she had tasted thus far. Granted, her range of flavors was limited, but by far bacon outranked everything.

Even the chicken. And Clarke was well aware of how Lexa felt about the chicken.

Though the smile of adoration that had graced Clarke’s face as she had wholeheartedly waxed whimsically on about the greasy, crispy strips of meat had been Lexa favorite part of the meal.

Scraping the last bite of fluffy, cheesy scrambled egg through a tiny bit of leftover syrup on her plate (the pairing initially traumatizing Clarke as she looked on in horror as Lexa tested the flavor profile of the sweet-salty combination and loving it), Lexa looked up to find Clarke staring at her, her eyes looking slightly unfocused as she worried her lower lip. “What’s wrong?”

Seeming to startle out of whatever her mind had been contemplating, Clarke blinked a few times as she mentally re-entered the room. “Why do you think something’s wrong?”

“The look on your face.”

“What look? I don’t... have a look.”

“You do,” she smiled softly, moving her cleaned plate from her lap to the table in front of her. “That’s your thinking face. Well, really it’s your, ‘I have a question but I don’t know if I should ask’ face.”

“That’s oddly specific,” Clarke frown lightly.

“Well, I… I mean I’ve, I’ve known you for some time now. So I can kind of tell,” she said quietly, staring at the fingers she twisted in the cradle of her crossed legs guiltily before looking back up. “If there’s anything you want to say, you can say it. I won’t… you can say whatever you want to. I promise I won’t get upset, or defensive. You don’t have to wonder if it’s okay to talk to me because I want to hear it... If you want me to.” Lexa felt her nerves slowly increase the longer Clarke seemed to consider her words, eyes moving between herself and different focal points around the room. Eventually, Clarke set down her own plate before scooting closer to Lexa, their knees pressing together as she mirrored her position on the couch.

“I just, I was thinking about this, us,” she started off quietly, reaching out to take one of Lexa’s hands in her own. She very much appreciated the grounding contact to help stave off her mounting anxiety. “About this morning, and how it doesn’t really feel like a… first? I guess. It feels familiar almost, like we’ve been doing this for ages and it’s so comfortable… and then that got me thinking of when I first met you… I mean, when I could first see you. How I felt even then that I had met you before, you remember?” she paused long enough for Lexa to acknowledge the memory. “Which reminded me exactly why you feel so familiar. Because we have done this before, in a way. And then that got me thinking about how I really don’t know how all of this went down. I mean, I mean I know. You explained kind of, but I don’t really… know? Am I making any sense? Fuck, I sound so dumb, don’t I?” she trailed off with a huff.

“Not at all. You’re not dumb, or an idiot, or anything else, okay? I get it. This is… I turned everything into a confusing mess, and I’m sorry, Clarke. If I could go back and do it all over agai-”

“No, I- that’s not what I was going for. Please, stop apologizing, you don’t need to apologize,” she said, holding up a hand when Lexa opened her mouth to argue that wild inaccuracy. “I mean it. You said you were sorry and... I mean holy shit, Lex. You’ve done literally the biggest thing you could do to make up for it. And I believe you, I really do. I have forgiven you… the sex and the free food should have been a blatant tip-off,” she smirked, leaning forward to kiss pouty lips.

“You’re terrible,” she mumblingly grumped.

“I know. But seriously,” Clarke continued while pulling back to original spot, “what I was thinking about was the other day, after you… left, when I found out about all this, I actually looked up the case you were talking about. The one where you first saw me, you know. And it kind of… blew my mind. I mean that was two, almost three years ago now.”

Lexa could only nod lightly, chewing the inside of her lip because, wow, was this awkward. Having lived it, it just... was. She had just been silently in love with the woman for over two years and that was that. Hearing it said out loud from the woman herself, however, made Lexa's stomach squirm a bit. “Yeah, that’s um, that’s right. Three years this December.”

“That’s, I’m not going to lie, that’s kind of overwhelming,” Clarke breathed. “Not in a bad way, it doesn’t feel bad at least. Just confusing. How could you never show me yourself in all that time?”

“Clarke, you have to understand, I didn’t think any of this was possible. I never planned on showing myself ever, because I didn’t think there was a reason to. I didn't think there was a way to be together. The only reason I did manifest was because you needed help. If, if you hadn’t twisted your ankle… none of this probably would have happened.”

“How is that possible? Because, I mean I don’t have three years of this,” she said, motioning between them both, ”of feelings, but I know for damn sure if the roles had been reversed I wouldn’t have been able to just watch you. I would have needed more. I mean jesus, baby, after one time meeting you I wanted to be around you and talk to you all the time. Like, I thought about you constantly.”

“I did want to see you all the time, that’s why I visited so much. I know it sounds really stalkerish, but I wanted to be around you even if you couldn’t see me.”

“That's sweet but you’re absolutely right, that does sound stalkerish, don’t ever repeat that,” Clarke laughed, and Lexa couldn’t help but join her. It really did sound terrible out loud. “But my point is that I don’t know how you held yourself back,” she continued as her laughter subsided. “I mean one time of seeing you undress and I woulda popped my ass outta thin air so fast,” she stated emphatically, snapping her fingers to show just how long her internal decision making process would have been.

“That’s because you’re a dirty perv,” Lexa tsked softly with a smile as Clarke shrugged and nodded in agreement. “But I never watched you undress.”

“What?”

“I never watched you undress,” she repeated bemusedly, “Last night was the first time I ever saw you naked.”

“.... Say what now?” she blinked, pinning Lexa with an unreadable look.

“Well- well, that’s not completely true. There was this one time last summer, it was insanely hot and you had gone to bed nude I guess. I was in your chair reading and in the middle of the night you walked through the room to go to the kitchen for something. But when I looked up and saw you didn’t have clothes on, I immediately- I shut my eyes. I promise, I just got a quick flash before I realized what I was seeing, but I stopped... I mean, I wanted to look. Obviously,” she scoffed, rolling her eyes as she rambled on through her rapidly blooming blush at the memory. “Of course I wanted to look, you’ve seen you... But I couldn’t do that. That would have been such an invasion of privacy, and violating your body autonomy. I respect you far too much to ever assume I could just, just because I… your body is your own and you decide who sees it.”

As she went on and on… and on, Lexa didn’t register Clarke’s movements as she wordlessly scooted back, just far enough to rise up onto her knees. She did stop talking, though, when the woman slowly moved forward, pushing her back slightly as she planted one knee on either side Lexa’s hips and settled into her lap. Running her hands gently over Lexa’s chest and shoulders, Clarke leaned down, kissing her slowly with heart-stopping intensity.

Strike-out everything else she had believed before, bacon and maple flavored Clarke-kisses were Lexa’s favorite taste.

“You are the sweetest, kindest, sexiest fucking person I know,” Clarke said between slow presses of lips. “But... I have to be real with you, you wasted a lot of ogling opportunities,” she finished, sitting back in Lexa’s lap as her fingers combed through soft brown curls.

“You really would have looked?”

“Yeah, probably,” Clarke chuckled, shrugging slightly. “I really wasn’t exaggerating when I said you have a great ass. And now I actually have seen you naked and, yeah. I probably would’ve looked. I’m a heathen, what can I say.”

“Okay but imagine if you found out I had been looking? Tell me that wouldn’t have felt violating.”

“Probably at first, sure. But, I mean? It’s you. I would’ve gotten over it. I like the way you look at me... It kind of turns me on now, thinking about you watching me,” she said lowly, a dark glint in her eye. “All those nights alone. When I would touch myself? The idea of you there beside me on the bed, watching as I moved my hand down, slipping smoothly into my underwear? Hearing me fuck mysel-”

“I, I definitely never did that,” she stuttered out a bit louder than necessary, the mental imagery causing her lungs to collapse as the tips of her ears burned. “If I never saw you naked then I certainly never watched you… doing that.”

“You have such a filthy mouth in bed but fall apart at talking about me getting myself off,” Clarke smiled amusedly, looking her with soft affection.

“I’m not falling apart,” she muttered weakly. “I’m simply saying I never did that. Nothing intimate, not like that.”

“So then you didn’t watch me with other people either, I’m assuming?”

Lexa took a moment to swallow deeply, her hands unconsciously squeezing Clarke’s hips, her stomach turning violently at the thought.

“I would have rather died,” she said softly, looking up into teasing, dazzling blue, watching their shade darken slightly in sadness at her words. “That… that was always the worst part about everything. It hurt so much... to love you so much and not be able to do anything about it was bad enough. But then to, to have to see you with someone else? Being happy. Smiling at them and being able to be with them? I couldn’t do it,” she shook her head gently, trying to blink back the tears that started to swell. “Whenever you were in a relationship, I didn’t visit as much. Usually only when you were at work. Or nights when you were alone… I felt like I would be sick every time I happened to show up while you were… holding someone, or kissing them. I know I had no right to feel any way about it, you’re free to do whatever you want and I respect that. But I just couldn’t take it… So I avoided it.”

She could hear how gravelly her voice had become by the time she stopped talking, closing her eyes as Clarke gently brushed away the single tear that had refused to obey her command not to fall. “It never really occurred to me how hard this must have been on you, too," Clarke said sadly. "I’m sorry you had to feel all of that.”

“You don’t have to feel bad, Clarke. You did nothing wrong.”

“No, I know. But I still do. Knowing that you were hurting so much, and knowing it was because of things I did. Makes me feel like shit.”

Lexa smiled softly up at the woman, her hands running soothingly up and down her back, “It wasn’t because of things you did, I did them. I created that situation. Besides, it obviously didn’t hurt enough to drive me away. You were just living your life, I knew that. And I still enjoyed being a part of it, no matter how small. I just made sure to steer clear of your... dating life.”

“Sssssoooo you must have really not liked Finn then, huh?” Clarke tittered awkwardly.

“Oh, I fucking hated Finn,” Lexa blatantly stated with dire sincerity. “Hated, loathed.”

“Yikes, okay, so Finn was the worst I see. That’s fair, that guy really sucked.” Lexa couldn’t help but stiffen slightly, looking down at the place Clarke rested against her legs. “What is it? Someone worse than Finn? Who?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Tell me.”

“... Niylah,” she whispered in shame, watching the sad understanding look flicker across Clarke’s face.

The name escaped her mouth in a quiet exhale, Lexa felt her heart crack all over again at the memory of their relationship. She had been Clarke’s first (and only) *really* serious relationship after moving to the city. They had met by chance at the grocery store, the blonde leggy woman having asked for her number after Clarke accidentally bashed into her cart trying to read the back of something while walking down the freezer aisle. The two had hit it off immediately, the woman being bright and successful and everything anyone could want in a partner... and so Lexa had gotten to watch her worst nightmare play out in front of her eyes.

One date turning into ten, eventually becoming them spending most nights at each other’s apartments. Hand holding and kissing and sweet words of bliss at every opportunity, she had never seen Clarke be so affectionate with anyone before. Lexa’s world had felt like it was crumbling around her, watching the woman she loved slowly fall for someone else. About five weeks into the six month relationship, Lexa had decided then that she couldn’t bear to watch it. That was when she had created her self-preserving system of pulling back whenever Clarke was with someone.

But the relationship had ended up being cut short, Niylah coming to Clarke one evening to tell her she had decided to move home to take care of her ailing mother. Though more than a little heartbroken, they both had decided to end the relationship, neither interested in trying to pursue a long distance romance with no finish line in sight. Though Lexa had breathed a small sigh of relief, no matter how stupid and riotously selfish it had felt at the time, she was miserable at the woman’s obvious pain. Lexa had held her every night she sat alone in her apartment, crying over the unfairness of the situation.

“Oh, Lex. I don’t even… I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything,” she quickly assured, “it’s fine. You were happy. And I was happy for you, despite everything else. I always wanted you to be happy… and loved. Even if I couldn’t be the one doing it, even if it hurt to- to be on the outside of it, that was always the most important thing to me. And she made you happy.”

“Not like you do though,” Clarke responded passionately, shaking her head as soon as the words left her lips. “I liked her a lot, and yes, I cared about her very much. But I need you to know that I meant what I said on our first date. I have never felt the way I feel about you. Not this fast and not this deeply.”

Proving unsuccessful at trying to tamper down the warm glow in her chest, Lexa pulled Clarke closer so that she rested against her completely, arms tightening slightly as she smiled shyly up her favorite face in the world. “Really?” she asked, her voice laced with quiet hopefulness.

“Really. You make me happy. I was… devastated when everything seemed to fall apart between us. I’m not saying that to make you feel bad,” she rushed on, holding Lexa’s face in line with her own as she had started to look away in guilt. “I’m saying that because I need you to know you’re not alone in this. I want you... I’m pretty sure I’ve wanted you since that insane rambling mess of an introduction where you said your name fifty times and nearly shook my arm out of its socket.” They both laughed lightly at that, Lexa closing her eyes in embarrassment at how damn awkward she had been. When she opened them, she melted instantly into deep pools of azure blue staring at her. “Don’t ever think I don’t want this just as much as you do, or that there’s someone out there that I wish I were with instead. You’re the only one I want to be with.”

“Even though I technically don’t have an identity?” she asked lightly, half joking and half very serious.

“Yes. I don’t care about that, baby. I know who you are," she said before she paused, her eyebrow quirking slightly. "Although... we really should figure something out about that. Remind me to call Raven later.”

“Okay,” she chuckled confusedly, thrown by the woman's thought process. “But what about the fact that I’m flat broke with no job?”

“I make plenty of money,” Clarke flipped a hand dismissively to her side.

“Well I kinda care, I don’t want to be a burden on you. I mean, Clarke, I’m jobless and homeless… I would completely understand if you wanted to, put things on hold. Between us I mean. At least until I can get myself steady and someplace to live.”

Lexa started to grow nervous under the blank stare Clarke was aiming at her, wondering what was going through the woman’s mind. Did she personally want to press pause on their relationship? No. But she also knew it would probably be for the best, just until she had herself situated and on her feet. She knew it would be tough, but she didn’t care. She would do whatever it took to be worthy of being with this woma-

“Have you lost your fucking mind?” Clarke’s voice snapping her out of her thoughts, she looked up to see the beautiful face looking back at her with a frown, her tone sounding as though she was slightly angry.

“Wh-what?”

“I asked, if you’ve lost, your mind,” she said slowly and deliberately, the furrow between her brows deepening as she spoke. Startled and completely unsure how to proceed with the seemingly agitated woman in her lap, Lexa stuttered out a few sounds as her mind raced to think of an intelligent response.

“No?”

Sweet and simple.

“Oh, okay. I was just checking considering you insanely just said you were homeless.”

“W-well I am. I-”

“Lexa, you’re going to live here. In what world would you ever believe that you’re not going to live here with me?”

Her heart thundered at the words, mind moving at a sluggish pace from the overwhelming thought of actually living with Clarke. The concept of it being their bed, their kitchen, their front door.

Their home.

‘Clarke and Lexa’s home…’

But just as slowly, Lexa’s mind flipped to feelings of doubt and uncertainty. “No, love. You, you don’t have to do that. I know this is still new and, and you shouldn’t have to… move faster than you want. You don’t have to take care of me.”

“Have you heard anything I’ve been saying the last few minutes?” she asked incredulously. “Lexa... baby, I am all in, okay? This is a relationship, you are my girlfriend, we take care of *each other* from now on… If it were anyone else, yes, I would probably wait a lot longer. But you’re not just some random person I’m casually dating. You’re a fucking angel who gave up her entire life to be with me. You really think I’d just be like, ‘Oh, shit. Guess you better hoof it down to the shelter until you can find a place to live. Good luck, babe!’?” she finished with a sarcastic smile, throwing a flippant peace sign in the air before scoffing loudly.

Put like that… Lexa could see her point.

“I just, I don’t know. I don't want to be a burden. I didn’t want to assume.”

“Well, assume. Assume everything, okay? Because I sure as hell am. I’m assuming we’re together and that we’ll stay together. I’m assuming that you’re it for me... And I’m assuming you want this and feel that way too, so if not you need to tell me now.”

“Of course I do, Clarke,” she nodded rapidly, squeezing the arms that were wrapped around the woman's hips for emphasis.

“Well okay then,” she finished heatedly. “... And I’m sorry. I don’t know why I sound so pissed. My heart did this weird floppy thing when you said that and it, I don’t know, it made me freak out.”

Lexa leaned forward slowly, laying a small kiss to her chest, directly over her heart in an attempt to calm it’s erratic beating. “I’m sorry.”

“Thank you,” Clarke answered quieter than before, seeming to calm down slightly at the comforting contact.

“I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

“I’m not upset... I just don’t want you living anywhere else, I want you here with me.”

“Okay,” Lexa smiled softly, reaching up to press a slow kiss to grumpy lips, sighing when she felt them relax against her own. “Okay, love. This is where I’ll live. Where we’ll live.”

“Together,” Clarke nodded, mumbling slightly against her lips.

“Yeah... it’d be kind of counterproductive if you moved out right as I moved in- ow,” she giggled, breaking the kiss as she felt the pinch to her side.

“You’re such a little shit, I swear to god.” Lexa chuckled softly for a moment, admiring the small beauty mark that rested above the adorably disgruntled scowl before a random thought popped into her head.

“Speaking of little shit’s, why haven’t I seen Penny since I got here?”

With a horrified gasp, Clarke shot up and out of her lap, straining out a hushed, “Oh, motherfuck, hang on,” as she took off down the hall toward her laundry room, the sound of Lexa’s bright laughter echoing behind her.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Despite the previous heaviness from a few hours prior, Lexa felt absolutely relaxed and at peace in this moment. Reclined gently against Clarke’s chest as they laid sprawled across her couch, feeling the vibrations of her voice as the woman used one hand to sift soft fingers through her hair, randomly stopping to soothingly scratch at her scalp, the other holding her phone up as she had a rather… entertaining conversation with Raven over speakerphone.

A piece of Lexa thought her and Anya would actually really like each other. Or possibly murder each other. Either way, it would certainly be a spectacle to behold.

“You literally just blew me off last night, you jerk,” she heard the annoyed voice grumble through the phone, the faint clanging sound of dishes clear in the background.

“I did not ‘blow you off’, I made last minute plans.”

“Yeah, with me.”

“Can you cut me a break, please? You were only trying to cheer me up because I’ve been down anyway. Things are better now. Mission accomplished.”

“You use me, Griffin,” Raven replied drolly.

“Oh my god, you dramatic hoe. I do not. Look, can we just invoke girl code on this one? You be understanding because I was about to bag the hottest woman I have ever seen?” she asked exasperatedly, immediately wincing and hissing through clenched teeth in apology at her crassness as Lexa turned slightly to frown up at her. ‘I’m sorry,’ she mouthed quietly, leaning down to peck a placating kiss to downturned lips.

“First off, fuck you. I am the hottest woman you have ever seen. Second off, how was it?” Rolling her eyes, Lexa could hear the devilish smirk over the phone as she laid her head back down.

“Yeah, I’m not telling you that,” Clarke snorted elegantly.

“Ah bullshit, what’s the point of my magnanimously leaving you two alone if I don’t get the dirty deets? I need to know if she’s better than me.”

“Shut up, Raven,” Clarke rushed out as her body stiffened, bringing the phone closer to her mouth, as though that would somehow muffle the words being projected out into the room.

“You shut up, don’t act like it wasn’t a privilege to bump uglies with m-”

“Jesus christ, Rave, will you shut your mouth? You’re on speakerphone,” Clarke half shouted into the phone before dropping it onto the spot on her chest where Lexa's head had previously been laying before she had shot up and turned to stare slack jawed at the mortified woman.

“...... She’s sitting right there, isn’t she?” came the soft question after an extended silence.

“Yes,” came the muffled reply from beneath the hands covering Clarke’s face.

“Hey, Lexa.”

“Hey, Raven,” she said slowly, eyes moving back and forth between the phone and blue eyes peeking out from minutely spread fingers.

“Weeeell,” the voice over the phone stretched in a slow drawl, “I am gonna skee-daddle... Uuum, Clarke. If you still want me to come by tonight or tomorrow just uh, shoot me a text. Okay? Alright, sounds good. Bye, lovebirds.”

“I’m going to murder you in your sleep, you asshat. Goodbye,” Clarke answered swiftly, picking up her phone and ending the call before tossing the machine onto her table like it had personally offended her. Bringing her hand up to her mouth, Clarke gently chewed the tip of her thumb nail as her eyes finally landed back on Lexa’s shocked face. “I’m sorry about that.”

Shaking her head slightly, Lexa felt like her brain had jumped its track a few minutes prior and was having trouble regaining traction. “No, you don’t need to apologize. I know how she is. I just, I’m confused… I didn’t think you knew Raven before moving here.”

“I didn’t.”

“But I, you guys were always just friends. I never saw you guys date.”

“We didn’t,” she answered, the apples of her cheeks growing redder as she stared determinedly at a spot just to the right of Lexa’s head. “It uh, see the thing is… I met her like, two weeks? After I moved here. I think? It was at this stupid party for the hospital. Her tech company had signed a deal with the hos- it doesn’t matter. Anyway, she was the least boring one there. And we got kinda drunk and… went home, together. But then the next morning,” she hurried on, sitting forward, “we went to breakfast at this shitty diner. We talked and realized pretty quickly we liked each other, just not, ya know, like that. But we’re great friends. Just friends though!... Friends. No uh, no naked time. Not after that, the one time,” she trailed off lamely, eyes searching all of Lexa’s face in worried anticipation.

Lexa knew it was wrong, knew how highly insensitive and inappropriate it probably was, but she couldn’t stop the emotion from bubbling to the surface. Clapping a hand over her mouth, she struggled to stifle the wild spiels of snickering as she keeled over into the arm of the couch.

“Are you laughing at me?” Clarke asked confusedly, her brow furrowing sharply.

“I’m sorry,” she gasped between fits, “I’m sorry, it’s not funny.”

“I can tell by your cackling,” she smiled, reaching a hand out to gently shove Lexa’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry, honestly,” she breathed, swallowing a few times to try and regulate her breathing despite the random giggles that still littered her speech. “It’s just the idea of you two is ridiculous. You fight constantly... it’s always a contest to see who can curse the most in a single sitting. Don't get me wrong, you’re both great but the image of you two… I don’t know, in my head I just saw you two trying to go at it, only to argue for five minutes about who was doing what to who first and then calling each other an asshole,” she finished with fresh tide of soft giggles.

“Egh, you’re not that far off actually. I mean it was okay-”

“Despite it being funny, I really don’t need details, love,” she smiled good-naturedly.

“I just meant that she’s so full of shit. In no way is she the best I’ve had.”

“I hope not,” Lexa grinned, moving to slowly push the woman back down on the couch, sliding her hands up to spread Clarke’s legs and wrap them around her waist. “I mean I don’t want to assume…” she said, pressing her hips tightly against the woman’s core.

“Assume away,” Clarke smirked back, reaching up to pull her down into a soft kiss. As Lexa gently rocked forward, feeling the warm heat seeping through the flimsy material of Clarke’s skimpy shorts, a nagging thought kept creeping into her head.

She wasn’t jealous of Raven. Not even a little bit.

She wasn’t. Because she knew there was nothing there between the two other than friendship and their unique brand of respect.

… But a small part of her did want to prove, beyond a doubt, who was better.

Not that it mattered, really. It was childish and stupid and competitive, but the conversation had gotten her thinking about everyone else Clarke had been with.

Clarke wasn’t shy, sexually speaking. Lexa knew that and it was one of the things she found so incredibly attractive about her. Her freedom as well as her confidence in her body and sexuality translated into a bombshell of a human being that kept Lexa in a semi-state of arousal at all times. At the same time though, she thought about all of the experiences she must have shared with others. Acts and intimacies they hadn’t yet experienced together. And though there was plenty of time to get to everything… in this moment, with the way her blood started to heat in her veins as she slipped her hands around the back of the thighs wrapped around her, she felt she could knock them all out in one afternoon if she really set her mind to it.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Okay, so...

Maybe not all of them.

Lexa made a mental note that she definitely would need to start working out.

The prospect was a depressing one, remembering how awful her brief foray into the field of running had been. But the reality was that if she wanted to be able to do some of the things she had dreamed about doing, such as hoisting Clarke up off the couch and carrying her to her- their bed without stumbling and leaning against the walls a few times for support, she was going to have to build up some earthly muscles.

“You okay there, hot stuff?” the amused face smiled up at her from the pillows below.

“Yeah,” Lexa said a little windedly. “I forgot about the whole ‘no angel strength’ thing. But, in for a penny, right? We were getting here one way or another.”

“How chivalrous,” she fluttered her lashes dramatically, reaching up to slowly undo the few buttons that held Lexa’s shirt closed before sliding it off her shoulders. “String bean,” she tacked on in a whisper. Lexa couldn’t help but laugh, remembering how insulted she was the first time Clarke called her that. Now though, she kind of understood it based on their less than graceful journey from couch to bed.

“Your string bean,” she smiled, nipping at the soft skin of her neck as she dragged the shirt up and over Clarke’s head, tossing it behind herself carelessly as she immediately started licking and biting all over the woman’s generous chest, grateful she had forgone a bra as well.

“Mine,” Clarke echoed dreamily, inhaling sharply as Lexa sucked and released straining nipples in ardent pops. The word hit Lexa's chest and lit up her insides, a possessive flare pulling behind her ribs that made her groan and twitch.

“And you’re mine, too,” Lexa said into the skin of her stomach, heart skipping at her own bold declaration even while shimming the woman’s shorts and underwear down her legs in one move. Removing her own and tossing them on the pile as quickly as she could, Lexa reclaimed her spot between soft thighs, running her hands from hips to breasts, stopping long enough to cup and caress before replacing them with her mouth.

“I’m yours,” she choked out, chest rising slightly to meet her touch as her hips smeared messy stripes across Lexa’s stomach. Lexa could smell the woman, the scent of her slick curling through her nose, spreading tendrils of lust across her brain. She felt herself getting wetter with each inhale, wanting nothing more than to see if she tasted as good as she smelled.

Trailing long suckling kisses down Clarke’s stomach, she stopped to worship the small swell of her stomach and hips, loving their softness and give against her lips and hands. She licked slowly over, latching on to suck and nibble with mild force the soft skin just below her hip bone. Feeling fingers tangle in her hair and tug, she released the skin from between her teeth, soothing it with her tongue as she admired the dark purpling mark that now decorated the expanse of white. She got a strange satisfaction knowing it would stay there, a sign of their intimacy and her effect on Clarke’s body lingering for days.

“You like that?” she heard above her, the quiet voice breaking her out of her silent appreciation. She could only nod slightly, never moving her gaze as she leaned down to press a soft kiss over the mark. “I like it too... just no where visible, okay, baby?” Lexa nodded again, finally dragging her eyes away to look up into the face grinning down at her. “I don’t want some poor kid’s parents thinking they have some... degenerate, sex fiend taking care of their sick child,” she laughed lightly.

“But you don’t mind it?”

“No,” Clarke said, gently tucking a brown curl behind her ear. Lexa lifted herself back up the length of Clarke’s body, capturing her lips in her own. She loved this woman, how she seemed to understand the things going through her mind even if she didn’t understand the drive fully herself. She didn’t want to dominate Clarke (at least not beyond what Clarke asked for maybe) and possessiveness was an ugly trait. But the idea of Clarke walking around, small reminders of where her hands and mouth had been littered across her body, made Lexa’s chest catch fire.

Breaking the kiss, Lexa lifted herself up on both hands to look down at Clarke very seriously. “I want to eat you out so bad right now.”

Clarke promptly burst out laughing.

Lexa wasn’t exactly sure why she was laughing, but the sight made her chuckle anyway, loving the sound of her laugh more than most anything in the universe. “What?”

“You just, you said that so seriously. Like you were telling me you needed to file your taxes,” she said through giggles.

“Oh,” Lexa huffed with a smile, replaying it in her head and realizing, no, that hadn’t been her smoothest moment. “I’m sorry. What I was thinking, but didn’t say, was I don’t know how. Well, obviously I know the theory, it’s not rocket science. But… I’ve just overheard enough people joking about how bad some people are at… that, that I’m nervous. I don’t want to do it wrong.”

“Unless you neglected to tell me something pretty big, you didn’t know how to fuck me with you fingers either but you managed that pretty spectacularly,” she smirked, running her hands up and down Lexa’s back and arms above her.

“No I know,” she said, ignoring the feeling of her ears burning brightly at the quasi-compliment. “But this just… I don’t know, it feels bigger?” She lowered herself down, resting her body flush against Clarke’s moving her hands to either side of her head to trace light fingertips over her the soft skin of her temples and jaw. “I want to make love to you this way, and I want it to be amazing for you, and I’m afraid that it won’t be because I’ll mess it up,” she admitted quietly.

The deep blues staring up at her softened further, the woman seeming to melt entirely beneath her. Wordlessly, Clarke pulled her down into a slow kiss, rolling them over until her weight was pinning Lexa to the mattress. “You couldn’t mess it up, because everything with you feels amazing,” Clarke whispered as she pulled back. “But how about this? I make love to you first, so you can see you have nothing to feel intimidated about, and then when you feel confident...” she said, raising an eyebrow in question as she smoothed the hair away from Lexa’s face. She thought for a short moment, brain misfiring at the thought of Clarke’s mouth on her.

Biting her lip her lightly, Lexa directed her eyes down to where their breasts pressed together, not that that helped get her thoughts in order. It did, however, serve the purpose of sending an intense throb through her core, her thighs spreading slightly in subconscious want. Nodding as she looked back up, Lexa brought Clarke down into a messy kiss.

Clarke pulled away with a small gasp a few moments later, smiling softly as she moved to trail kisses down the side of her throat. Lexa felt lips glide across her collarbones before a soft tongue started working over her chest. She laced the fingers of one hand through small curls at the base of her neck, scratching lightly as Clarke worked her nipples into stiff aching peaks. Slowly, the woman kissed and licked a wide ambling path down her stomach, taking time to leave a mark on Lexa’s hip to match her own.

She loved the feeling of Clarke’s teeth scraping gently over the tender crease of her thighs.

Her heart nearly stopped when she felt strong hands wrap around the backs of her knees, pulling her just slightly down the bed as Clarke spread her legs wide. Lexa watched, breathing shallow and labored as the woman settled herself on her stomach, hands tracing the outside of her thighs as her mouth painted kisses all over the sensitive inside. Lexa lifted herself up to rest on an elbow, the other gently gathering the satin blonde strands back up into manageable hold, wanting to watch every moment of her undoing. Clarke sucked and bit a trail upwards from her knee, pausing every few moments to switch sides or suckle a small mark into the tender flesh. Lexa’s hips jumped and rocked with waining patience, just barely stopping herself from pulling the woman to where she needed her.

After nibbling a final spot right below where thigh meets hip, Clarke looked directly into Lexa’s eyes as she leaned down, dragging her tongue in a slow, broad swipe across her slit. Lexa’s mouth fell open, a small “Oh,” escaping her at the soft wet drag against her. It was unlike anything she had felt before but in the most mind-blowing of ways. She worked to keep her hips steady as Clarke licked again, this time with more pressure, the tip of her tongue barely splitting the swollen lips.

“Feel good?” Clarke asked quietly. The warmth of her breath against her most sensitive skin was nice, but she needed to feel more of that hot mouth licking into her. Nodding rapidly, Lexa pulled lightly on Clarke’s neck hoping she would understand her current lack of words. The only response she got was a short chuckle before Clarke was leaning back in.

Her eyes rolled slightly back into her head as Clarke gave herself over to the task. She felt the tongue spread through her folds, stiffer now as it worked it’s way up to gently circle her clit. She couldn’t help the heel digging into Clarke’s back as she felt the woman flick and suck at her clit, one of her hands leaving her thigh to hold Lexa open as her tongue danced across heated flesh. While she had loved Clarke’s fingers on her, working her up quickly to climax, the feeling of her warm mouth was breathtaking.

Literally.

She felt like she couldn’t catch her breath with every swipe and circle and flick. The soft silky texture of the woman’s tongue on her clit had Lexa’s toes curling as she moved her hand from her neck, swiftly grabbing the one being used to hold her hips in place. Clarke immediately laced their fingers together, moaning softly as her eyes fluttered closed. The vibrations caused Lexa’s arm to give out, falling back onto the bed, panting a quiet, “Oh fuck,” to the ceiling.

She heard the small pop as Clarke relented her sucking, Lexa’s clit twitching at the rapid temperature change before a gentle thumb replace her lips, rubbing softly as she trailed her tongue lower, licking and pressing at the source of Lexa’s wetness. Lexa felt her hips surge forward at the feeling, thinking she was silently encouraging the woman until she realized the softly whimpered “Yes, baby, please,” was coming from her. The sensation of the slick muscle pushing inside was a little strange at first. Not unpleasant, it’s give and heat feeling nice but foreign.

Clarke pushed in and out, the feeling becoming more and more unbearably pleasurable with each thrust, Lexa enjoying the small stretch and wet friction. She lifted her head to look down, moaning loudly as she locked eyes with the woman over the hand gently working Lexa from above, seeing the blown pupils staring back at her hungrily as she continued to slide and curl within her. She noticed the woman’s hips were moving in time with her thrusts, grinding against the sheets in search of something to relieve her own ache. Without thinking, Lexa moved the hand in her own down, releasing it when she had reached as far as she could.

“Touch yourself,” she commanded gently. “Come with me, I want to watch you get yourself off while fucking me.” Her words sounded strained but authoritative to her ears. Clarke moaned loudly against her, immediately following orders as she lifted her hips to pull her knees under her, her freed hand instantly snaking between her own thighs.

While Lexa couldn’t see what she was doing to herself, she appreciated the improved view of Clarke’s ass as well as the increased groans rumbling through her mouth directly into the sensitive folds of her pussy. Gasping out a low sigh, Lexa reached up to pinch and massage her own breast at the sensation before threading her fingers back into blonde. She felt her lower stomach begin to tighten, her hips now moving in quick grinds against the woman’s face despite her trying desperately to calm them. She watched as Clarke’s hips trembled slightly, her pace and strokes becoming sloppier but more forceful as they both neared the edge. Right as Lexa felt like she was going to implode, the thumb on her clit pressed down harder, rubbing back and forth faster than Lexa could comprehend as the pressure in her abdomen released in a small explosion of pleasure. Dropping her head back in a loud moan, Lexa felt herself clamp down on the soft muscle still working inside of her, drawing her deeper as her climax spilled out over Clarke’s chin. She rubbed herself slowly against Clarke’s face, riding out the pulsing sensations quacking through her body before collapsing back entirely, her hips feeling too sluggish to ever move again.

Lexa felt the bed dip and shift around her before a soft body laid down directly on top of her, warm arms sliding beneath her back and up, fingers cupping over the tops of her shoulders. The hold felt intimate, like Clarke was anchoring herself to Lexa. Still limp and heavy from her orgasm, Lexa wrapped her still tingling arms around the woman’s waist, sliding her hands from the small of her back up to her shoulders and back down again. Feeling soft lips pressing lightly to her own, Lexa willed her brain to work, moving to return the kiss. The tangy-musky flavor and scent that covered her palette when Clarke slipped inside made Lexa whimper slightly, the realization she was tasting herself on Clarke’s tongue sending a residual shock through her overstimulated core.

“I take it you liked that?” Clarke asked smugly, though the smile on her face nothing less than soft and affectionate. Opening her eyes, falling helplessly into a sea of blue, Lexa only softly nodded in reply. No daydream could ever compare to the reality of being here, intimately wrapped in the soft cradle of Clarke’s arms.

Moving her hands up to cup the woman’s face, Lexa looked deeply into the eyes she adored, brushing her thumbs lightly over flushed, full cheeks. “I love you,” she whispered softly.

Clarke let out a shaky breath, leaning forward to rest her head against Lexa’s as her eye’s moved slowly between adoring rings of grey. “I am so in love with you.”

Chapter Text

“So you just… belly flopped off a cliff?”

Lexa couldn’t help but laugh as she finished washing her hands, turning to dry them on the small towel by the sink and click off the light on her way back into the bedroom. “I’d like to think I was a bit more graceful than that,” she said, picking up Penny from where she had commandeered her pillow during her short bathroom break to deposit her back on the floor. Ignoring the grumbled meow from the tubby feline as she slid back under warm sheets, Lexa continued casually, “But basically, yes. In hindsight though, I should have done it somewhere closer to here. The walk was ridiculous,” she finished, rolling her eyes at herself.

“And this... Barb, was it?” Clarke asked from where she laid in the middle of the bed, lifting her arm for Lexa to reclaim the spot she had previously been before needing to relieve herself.

It was now well into nighttime, the afternoon and early evening blurring past as they spent hours wrapped in and around each other. The moonlight filtered through the window, mixing with the soft orange glow of the numerous candles Lexa had suggested they light. The musky woody smell of the candles mixed with lingering heady scent of arousal made Lexa feel warm and safe in their small haven. She adjusted slightly, tucking herself into the space in front of Clarke, her head relaxed back on the pillow so she could look into glittering blues from where the woman’s head was propped up on her palm.

They had taken a break a while ago to hydrate and refuel on the little bit of leftover Chinese food and a fruit salad Clarke had in the fridge (Lexa especially loving the cold pineapple and grapes and resolutely declaring cantaloupe the work of the devil), and during that time they had started… talking. About anything and everything that came to mind, until the topic of her… transition?- into the human race finally came up. It was comfortable and tranquil and everything Lexa had hoped simply being together could be.

Feeling Clarke resume her soft tracing of fingertips across skin, Lexa couldn’t help smiling at the memory of the elderly woman who had gifted her the knowledge that made it possible to feel this kind of contented joy. “Yeah, Barbara Cleets.”

“She was really an angel, too?”

“Yes. She told me things only an angel would know. Plus, ya know… it worked, so.”

“I wonder how many others there are here, just walking around and we don’t know… Also, I mean, how funny is it that the only two fallen angels that we do know of are raging lesbians?”

“I told you. I,” she stressed, “am a Clarke-sbian.”

Clarke chuckled lightly, reaching over to gently swat Lexa on the hip. “If you insist on referring to yourself like that I’m going to have to break up with you,” she said, all the power coming out of her words she bent to kiss the woman.

“What? It’s accurate.”

“Uh huh, okay. We’ll see about that when you actually go out and interact with people. There are hot people literally everywhere here.”

“I saw them before and I didn’t care,” Lexa shrugged, bringing her hand up to tuck back a wild curl of blonde that had escaped from behind the woman’s ear during their kiss. “Before you, there was nothing. Humans,” she paused, trying to figure out how to put her thoughts into words. “I don’t know how to explain it. They are just the ones we take care of. It was never anything more than that. There's affection there, sure. But it, it’s not anything more than that... But when I saw you? I wanted to know everything about you,” she smiled softly up at Clarke. “Watching you work, the way you deal with patients... But also how you are outside of work, with strangers or your friends. I fell in love with your heart, and your mind… I just fell in love with you, I couldn’t stop it. So, I really can't imagine me wanting anyone else.”

Clarke was quiet for a long moment, looking at Lexa with gentle fondness. She laid her hand over Lexa’s heart, running her thumb back and forth across the soft skin of her chest. “I fell in love with your heart, too,” she said quietly. “The way you make me smile... the way you laugh, how you’re always so kind.” She stopped after a moment, a small frown replacing the smile on her lips as a thought seemed to come to her. “Not to completely ruin this beautiful moment, but that actually just made me think of Anya.”

Lexa stared at her blankly.

That wasn’t exactly what Lexa had been expecting while they were declaring their love for each other, but, meh. She was pretty used to Clarke’s unique thought process. “Hopefully not the love part,” she teased.

“God, no,” Clarke scoffed lightly.

“Good, because I really doubt she’d be into it.”

“Hush,” Clarke said absently, placing a finger over Lexa’s grinning lips for a moment. “No I mean, she really doesn’t act like an angel. I actually told her that. Not that I have that much knowledge on angels or anything, but… I mean, there’s you. And you’re so sweet and kind and lovely. And she’s so… like that.”

“Like that,” Lexa chuckled at the same time, nodding that she got it. “Yeah, I know. She’s not that bad though… Well. That’s a lie, yes she is. But she does have a good heart, I promise.”

“She told me I was an ugly crier and made me think she was there because I was dying,” Clarke said flatly.

Shooting up from her pillow and twisting sideways, narrowly missing them smacking faces at her sudden move, Lexa stared down at Clarke in horror as she said practically shouted, “She did what?”

“It was an acciden-”

“She made you thi- She... I'm going to kill her.”

“She realized it right away and-”

“I am going to strangle her.”

“Baby, it’s fin-”

“I’m gonna take her up to the top of this building, kick her off, and then actually strangle her. I can’t believ-”

“Lex!” The small yelp cut off Lexa’s heated words, her eyes coming back to rest from where they had been scanning the room as she mentally plotted out her intricate plans for battle against her idiotic friend. “It was an accident, okay? I was already freaked because, ya know, the clothes. So I knew what she was. I asked if she was there for one of the patients and then I took her answer the wrong way. She didn’t actually do anything.”

Lexa took a few steadying breaths as she allowed Clarke to guide her back down onto the bed. Settling against the pillow, Lexa felt her anger ebb as Clarke ran a soothing hand through her hair. “I’m still gonna beat her up,” she huffed, much calmer than before.

The woman above her laughed lightly, leaning down to place a placating kiss to grumpy lips. “Truly my knight and shining armor. But honestly, that won’t be necessary. It was fine. In retrospect, she was kind of entertaining… in a strange and slightly off putting sort of way… but anyway, that wasn’t even what made me think of her.”

“Oh god, there’s more,” Lexa muttered softly.

Clarke laughed while shaking her head slightly. “It’s not bad. I just mentioned that she was so… not like you. And she said she was a different kind of angel than you are, but when I asked she told me it was none of my business.” Now that... had Lexa’s frown sliding into a wickedly amused smirk, small giggles bubbling up from her chest. “What? You have to tell me. Is it something awful?” Clarke asked, smiling at seeing the sudden change in her mood.

“No,” Lexa chuckled. “It’s nothing bad. It’s not even really funny; it’s a good job and the work she does is important. She just hates talking about it because it sounds boring.”

“Well what is it,” Clarke pressed, poking Lexa softly in the stomach.

“She hangs out with old people,” she smirked, knowing how not at all impressed Clarke was going to be with that anticlimactic reveal.

“Say what now?” Clarke predictably frowned.

“Mhm,” she hummed. “She watches over retirement homes, geriatric centers, things like that. Sometimes if patients have alzheimer's she’ll sit and talk with them… calm their fears if she can. Or if some don’t have families to come visit, she’ll occasionally act like a volunteer and spend time with them if they want. Watch jeopardy, play games, read, that kinda stuff... Don’t ever let her talk you into a game of backgammon, though. She cheats,” she finished with a tsk, rolling her eyes over to take in Clarke’s slack jaw and narrowed eyes.

“... Are you fucking with me?”

“No, she has to cheat. There is no way someone wins that often.”

“Oh my god. No, I- no, Lexa. I meant her job, you dork,” Clarke chortled.

“Oh. Right. No, I’m not messing with you, that’s what she does. But it doesn’t sound glamourous so she talks about it like it’s this dirty secret even though I know she loves it,” she shrugged.

“How is someone like that able to do that?”

“She’s actually really kind. Deep, deep... deep down. And her temperament is good because she’s not easily rattled, which helps with some of the gruffer ones. When a lonely old lady with dementia has an episode and starts screaming at you that you’re a bitch out of the blue, you kind of need to be able to roll with it. Which she can.”

“Oh, wow,” Clarke said, her face softening to look almost sad. “When you put it like that…”

“Yeah... And she’s brilliant at her job, but it can get heavy at times. It’s hard watching the human body slowly shut down while the mind fades… Although, a kinda funny part, in her downtime she likes to hang out at skate parks. Watching people do tricks and stuff,” she said with an amused smile. “Says the youthful idiocy reminds her why she prefers old people, but I think she’s full of it. I think it helps her remember that the people she’s helping used to be young once. Lived full lives. I think it helps... It’s also why she talks like she’s perpetually seventeen,” she laughed softly. “But… she’s my friend and I love her.”

“Well now I actually do want to get to know her. I was just kinda bullshitting earlier but now I mean it.”

“Oh you’ll probably hate her at first. That’s okay though, I think that’s just the natural order of things when it comes to knowing Anya. But she grows on you.”

“Wow, you two sound like, oof, just the best of friends,” Clarke teased. Lexa smiled softly, taking in the way the small flickering flames around the room reflected back at her in Clarke’s eyes. “But… I really like this. Finding out about you. Your life as an angel. It’s so interesting.”

“You can ask me anything you want. I can’t promise I can answer everything but I’ll do my best.”

“Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin... What, what’s the meaning of life?” Clarke shrugged carelessly.

“Starting out small, I see,” Lexa nodded, eyes wide with a sarcastic smile across her face. “I hate to disappoint, but I can’t answer that.”

“Top secret stuff?”

“I really just don’t know. I’m not running the show, love, I’m sorry,” she said, pushing her bottom lip out in a pout to show her regret. “If I had to guess, I would say… be a good person. Try your best, even if you fail everyday. It’s not really a ‘fail’ because in your heart you know you tried… For us though... for them, angels I mean, it’s follow orders. Angel’s have free will, but going against orders? Yeah that doesn’t work out well.”

“What happens if you don’t?”

Lexa just quirked her brow, shooting Clarke a look that read, ‘Think about it.’

“... Oh. Oh,” she grimaced. “Okay, well. Moving on… Have you seen God?”

“Of course.”

“Spoken to him?”

“I prefer ‘her’, but yes.”

“God’s a chick?” Clarke perked up at that.

“Not really. There’s no gender; gender is a human thing. Or, rather an earthly human thing. I just prefer it because I was made to look like this,” she gestured to herself, “before falling. Plus it annoys Anya like crazy when I insist on it.”

“Wait! Oh my god, is that why there’s no hair on your pussy?”

Lexa started choking on the deep breath she had taken in at the question, her ears flaming red as she shot up to try and clear her airway. “What the fuck, Clarke,” she sputtered, half laughing, half coughing.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Clarke said as she ran a soothing hand up and down Lexa’s back as she reached for the glass on her bedside table. “Here, sip some water.” Lexa gratefully took the glass, a few sips indeed helping to clear her throat and get her breathing regularly again. “I am so sorry, Lex. I don’t know why I let that fly out of my mouth. It just popped into my head and I- I mean I’ve been thinking about it randomly since last night, and then it just came out.”

“It’s fine, you’re fine, Clarke,” she assured her, her voice sounding slightly strained as she handed the glass back now that she had fully recovered. “I was just not expecting that. At all... At all, at all,” she chuckled.

“I am so sorry, please ignore me. I am so tacky,” Clarke muttered, setting the glass down heavily before flopping back onto the bed and lifting a pillow to smother her own face. Lexa couldn’t help but giggle as she reached over, struggling with the woman for a moment before managing to pry the pillow away and lay it back on her side. She moved to straddle Clarke’s hips, ignoring her lingering blush as she tried to alleviate the woman’s embarrassment.

“You’re fine, love. That’s a logical question, I just wasn’t expecting it,” she said, leaning down kiss her warm cheeks. “But, yes, that’s why… we don’t- angels aren’t supposed to have any reason to be naked. The whole point of us even looking the way we do here on earth is so that we don’t freak everyone out. But stuff like that, it’s not necessary to blend in, so…” she trailed off with a shrug, pausing before a thought occurred to her. “Though I’m pretty sure it’ll start growing now that I’m human. I don’t know for sure.”

Seeming to recover from her mortified state, Clarke nodded slowly up at Lexa, her expression clearly showing her doctor brain was now firing on all cylinders.

“It’s okay, you can ask,” Lexa said softly. “I’m prepared now,” she smirked.

“Well... now I’m just thinking about all the other natural female stuff. Like what about periods?”

“Unless the fall slapped some surprise eggs in there, I really doubt it,” she cheeked with a smile, running her hands up and down Clarke’s chest and stomach from where she still sat on top of the woman’s hips.

“That’s terrible,” Clarke frowned. “I mean, yay for you for not having to deal with that bullshit every month but... you love kids,” she finished sadly, reaching up to wrap Lexa’s wandering hand in her own.

“I’m not sad,” she assured. “I do love kids, but it was never something I thought about. It was never a possibility... I never dreamed of having one myself.”

“So you don’t want kids then, even now?” Clarke asked quietly. Not heavily or in a leading manner, rather simply curious.

“I didn’t say that,” Lexa smiled, leaning down to kiss her lips, trailing down over her chin and jaw. “I don’t know, I think that’s a subject… for another time? I’m kind of only focused on you right now,” she whispered into her neck, wiggling her hips to convey exactly who her attentions were focused on as she nibbled lightly on a particularly sensitive patch of soft skin.

Clarke chuckled lightly, threading her fingers through brown curls. “You are insatiable, I swear.”

“Want me to stop?” she asked, sitting up swiftly with a faux innocent look on her face. She felt hands grab at her waist to keep her steady as the other woman sat forward as well, one arm moving to support her upper back while the other pulled her bottom closer, adjusting them to the change in position. She felt warm and safe seated so intimately in Clarke’s lap, Lexa’s hands moving to trace goosebump inducing trails over her chest and shoulders.

Clarke smiled as she leaned in to kiss her, hands moving to the swell of Lexa’s hip to encourage a gentle grind against her, before slipping coaxing fingers between slick, plush thighs. “I never want you to stop.”

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

“Egh, alright. Y’all gotta stop.”

Lexa immediately pulled back from the soft kiss she had been receiving from Clarke to look sheepishly at the woman sitting on the opposite couch. Raven looked between the two, pretending to choke back a gag at their, admittedly, overly affectionate behavior.

They had finally collapsed the previous night several rounds later, spent and sweating against each other, panting toward the heavens as they came down from their mutual highs. It had taken Clarke close to fifteen minutes of promises to cook breakfast the next morning to lure Lexa out of damp sheets to shower, change the bedding, and brush their teeth before bed. It was convenient too considering, predictably, Raven had taken Clarke’s text literally and showed up at the crack of dawn (10 am in Raven time) for one of their impromptu Sunday brunches, so they didn't have to rush.

Thoroughly disgruntled over the fact that their usual menu had already been cooked the previous day in celebration of Lexa’s new self (their guest lamenting for five minutes straight that she missed out on french toast because of make-up sex), Raven sat adjacent to them, begrudgingly scarfing down her boring regular toast and eggs between bouts of small talk and pleas for the new couple to stop trying to practically sit in each other’s laps.

Overall though, it had been a lovely morning, Lexa really enjoying finally getting to know the eccentric woman personally.

“Shut up,” Clarke laughed as she pulled back, moving to lace her fingers with Lexa’s instead.

“I’m eating,” Raven said dramatically, lightly waving her free hand over the top of her plate. “Stop sucking face while I’m trying to ingest.”

“Oh right, like you’re not this bad when you’re in a new relationship,” Clarke scoffed, leaning forward to take a sip of her coffee.

“But when I do it, I look good,” Raven said around a mouth full of her third piece of toast, spewing a few crumbs across the floor and making Lexa seriously evaluate who exactly was the grossest element of their mini breakfast party. “Anyway, now that you’ve come up for air," she said disdainfully, "tell me what you wanted to talk about yesterday.”

“Oh, right, yes,” Clarke said, her demeanor immediately becoming serious as she sat forward on the couch, resting her elbows on her knees. “Okay, so, this is gonna sound… weird. But I just need you to go with it.” She paused long enough for Raven to nod confusedly before continuing. “You know how to create fake documents, right?” Raven only blinked a few times, looking at Clarke like she was a moron. “No, I- I know you can make fake documents. I meant, what about like… like, birth certificates? Social security numbers, things like that?”

Catching on to what she was saying, Lexa’s head whipped around to stare at the side of her face, completely thrown that this had been the purpose of Clarke reaching out to the woman.

“You planning on joining witness protection or something?” Raven asked dubiously.

“No,” Clarke chuckled, before sighing. “But can you do it?”

“Bitch, I know you know I can do it, why are you asking though? You already have all that.”

“It’s, it’s not for me. It’s for Lexa,” she said, tilting her head at the woman beside her as Lexa gave a small shy wave. Lexa’s stomach twisted with nerves when Raven’s eyebrows shot up on her forehead as her eyes snapped to the her.

There was a beat of silence, before a slow grin spread across her face. “Damn, Clarke. When I told you to go get some strange you took that shit literally.”

Clarke scoffed loudly, throwing the small pillow behind her at Rave violently. “You’re such a pig.”

“I’m just playing, I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it,” Raven said through her laughter as she tossed the pillow onto the couch beside her. “But seriously, why not just apply to extend your visa or whatever and do it that way?”

“Yeah, that’s not possible,” Clarke quickly shook her head, directing a very pointed look at her friend.

“Ooooh. I get it,” Raven said, a look of realization dawning over her features before her face turned startlingly solemn. “Well, I’m very sorry, Lexa. There’s nothing I can do. I could never betray my country or my president by helping an illegal alien.”

The room was quiet for a moment before both she and Clarke burst out laughing.

Lexa looked confusedly between the two women who were beside themselves. Seeming to realize her girlfriend wasn’t in on the apparent joke, Clarke stifled her giggles the best she could as she turned to cup Lexa’s cheek. “She’s kidding, baby.”

“Yeah, y’all know I don’t give a fuck,” Raven said, wiping the small tear from her eye as she settled back down. “Man, fuck that dude. And the whole system... My abuela was undocumented,” she explained after a moment, seeing the concerned look on Lexa’s face at the vitriolic tone in her voice. “But I got her all set up once I was old enough to figure that shit out, so don’t worry, I got you. It’ll take me a minute though, all my stuff is at home. I gotta get everything together and whatnot.”

“That’s, no. That’s perfectly fine, thank you so much, Raven. You have no idea how much I appreciate this,” Lexa said earnestly, feeling a huge weight lift off of her shoulders. She had been stunned listening to the exchange between the two, not having known that this was the reason Clarke had wanted to get ahold of her the day before. But it did make sense now that she thought about it. Raven was a prodigy when it came to technology, having formed her own company that had grown quickly, acquiring contracts with various businesses up and down the coast, at the tender age of nineteen. There really was no branch of technology she didn’t have a thorough working knowledge of, so it made perfect sense that she would know how to… skirt around the logistical (and legal) roadblocks of obtaining or creating a passable identity.

“Eh, don’t worry about it,” she said shrugging while sipping her coffee. “I enjoy sticking it to the establishment.”

“Aren’t you technically the establishment? Miss. CEO?” Clarke teased.

“Details,” Raven responded nonchalantly before continuing, “So where you from, Lexa?”

Not having been expecting that question, Lexa’s brain tripped momentarily as her mouth shot out the first thing that popped into her head.

“Uh, North.”

“She’s from Canada!” The shrill volume of Clarke’s shout as she spoke at the same as Lexa caused her and Raven both to startle slightly. They turned to stare at her while she slowly shrunk back into the cushions of her couch, an embarrassed flush creeping up her neck as she mumbled a quieter ‘Canada’.

“... Did you just have a seizure?” Raven asked, looking at her like she’d temporarily lost her mind. Ignoring the finger being elegantly held in the air in her direction, she shook her head slightly before turning back. “Anyway,” she said slowly as her eyes slid from Clarke to Lexa, “that’s dope, I love Canada. Where abouts in moose country are you from?”

“Oh uuh,” she said, her words stuck as her mind failed to come up with something. “The uh, the um, the regular part.”

Lexa wanted to slap herself silly.

“The fuck does that mean?” Raven asked, her face quirking to the side in confusion.

“Lay off, Rave,” Clarke cut in, seeing exactly where this was heading.

“It was just a question,” Raven said innocently, even as Lexa noticed the way the woman’s eyes sharpened, her look turning calculating and evaluatory as her gaze swept up and down Lexa’s form as she squirmed slightly in her seat.

“You’re interrogating her,” Clarke said as she rolled her eyes.

“Hush, we’re bonding,” Raven waved flippantly without losing stride. “So when did you move here?”

“Oh, well… it’s been a few years,” Lexa answered softly, her nerves mounting the longer Raven stared her down.

“How many years?”

“Raven,” Clarke warned again.

“Fine,” she relented with a sigh... before continuing on exactly as she was. “So why’d you move here?”

“Work,” she answered, shifting again.

“Gotcha... So. What do you do?”

“Well in the past, I, I helped kids.”

“Like a counselor? Don’t you have to be certified for that? How can you do that with no papers?”

“Oh my god, will you knock it off?” Clarke said, her voice rising in aggravation.

“What?” Raven shot back just as hotly, “I don’t know anything about her, dude. I wanna know about who my friend is dating, why is that an issue?”

“It’s not but you’re being all weird about it.”

“No, I’m just confused. You said things weren’t working out because she wasn’t being honest, but you’re back together so I assume it’s all good to ask questions,” Raven said as though it was perfectly rational to be grilling Lexa not ten minutes after they shared breakfast together, tact never having been her strong suit. “You’ve spent the last month talking about nothing but how much you like her, but haven’t told me anything else. I mean, the fuck? Last time I talked to you about all this,” she vaguely motioned between the two women across from her, “you couldn’t even tell me where she lives.”

Clarke tightened her hold on the hand wrapped in her own as she straightened her shoulders and took a steadying breath before speaking. “She’s living here. With me.”

The silence that followed sounded incredibly loud in Lexa’s ears, her face turning red as she watched Raven’s eyes blow wide at the declaration. Slowly blinking a few long exaggerated times as she continued to stare at Clarke, Raven cleared her throat slightly. “Clarke… May I speak to you in the other room?”

“No.”

Rolling her eyes with a huff, Raven stood from the couch swiftly as she reached forward, grabbing Clarke’s free arm to yank her up and off the couch. “Excuse us,” she said, directing a sickly sweet smile in Lexa’s direction as she all but dragged Clarke down the hallway that led to her bedroom.

Lexa sat there stunned.

Again. She did it again.

Everything had happened so fast she was having trouble processing it. She knew the woman did this to everyone Clarke dated for any length of time if she got to meet them, no matter if they dated for two weeks or two months. She had just stupidly forgotten that she’d be subjected to the “Reyes Review”, as the woman had proudly dubbed it, herself. So caught up in her bliss of being with Clarke, it hadn’t occurred to her that she should probably come up with and memorize basic answers to basic questions that any normal human being should be able to answer at a moment’s notice.

… She just really hated lying.

But the more she thought about it, the more she supposed that was going to be her only option on a lot of things moving forward, at least for the time being. And as much as that thought left a sour taste in her mouth, she knew she had to take it as simply another sacrifice she’d have to make if she wanted this. And want it she did.

The sound of the women’s voices filtered into the room shortly after they disappeared down the hall, Raven not being privy to how badly sound echoed out from Clarke’s room when particularly loud events were taking place within its walls (a leading factor in why Lexa had always avoided Clarke’s apartment when she brought anyone home). She felt her cheeks heat up at the same time her stomach dropped, unable to not listen to the fiery conversation unfolding in the other room.

“What the fuck, Clarke?” Raven said hotly. “What do you mean she’s living here?”

“Exactly what I said, she’s living here,” Clarke replied, the annoyance in her voice echoing through the walls.

“You’ve been dating for like, a month. Not even a month.”

“So?”

“So?” Raven said incredulously. “So? So you barely know her.”

“That’s not true.”

“Oh really? Then tell me all about her.”

“I don’t have to explain myself to you,” Clarke seethed loudly.

“Look,” Raven said after a moment, a forced calmness straining her tone. “I’m not trying to attack you, but you need to understand how fucking crazy you sound. You moved a complete stranger in with you after knowing her for a couple of weeks.”

“So what? I want her to live with me and she needed a pl-” Clarke’s words cut off for a moment before she spoke again quietly. “She needs a place to live and I, I care about her very much. So I said she could live here.”

“She doesn’t-? … What? Where was she staying before she met you?”

“It doesn’t matter, Raven. Leave it alone.”

“That’s not a hard question, did she not happen to mention it? What about her job?”

“... She’s between jobs right now.”

“Oh my fucking god,” Raven shouted. “This just keeps getting better and better. Clarke, has it occurred to you at all that she might be, hmmm, using you?”

That one had Lexa’s eyes sliding closed, a wave of shame roiling through her body.

“She would never do that, you don’t know her.”

“Neither do you,” she stressed loudly.

“Yes, I do,” Clarke said just as loudly, her bristling anger bubbling over as Lexa rose from the couch and headed toward the bedroom. She had to do something before this spilled over to the point of no return for their friendship.

She had sat there turning the situation over and over in her head, thinking about what she knew of Raven and how she would likely react. She wasn’t sure if this would work, but at this point there wasn’t much else left to do. Anything else her or Clarke tried to say, she would see right through it, the woman’s bullshit meter being a finely tuned machine. She should have foreseen this coming, practiced what to say. But just like with Clarke, she was so focused on the feeling of being here, of the possibility of being real and together, that she forgot about the logical details. And rather than allow the two friends to go at each other’s throats, Lexa decided a metaphorical ‘Hail Mary’ was the only answer. As she quietly approached the door, Lexa sent up a silent prayer that the woman would at least hear her out.

“Think about it. She bumps into you, figures out you’re a doctor and then miraculously you two get together. Only, whoops, she doesn’t have a job or a place to live or anything. Wow, what a coincidence. And don’t think I haven’t noticed that there’s no boxes or new shit around, so what? Does she not own anyth-,” she stopped talking abruptly as Lexa lightly knocked on the door before opening it, her eyes falling on the two women facing off from opposite sides of the room.

“I’m sorry to interu-” Lexa tried before her words were cut off.

“Do you mind? I’m talking to my friend?” Raven said sharply.

“Don’t talk to her like that,” Clarke snapped as she stepped closer, coming to stand next to Lexa.

“It’s fine, Clarke. I, I understand where she’s coming from. She loves you, she’s just worried,” Lexa smiled softly, the interaction reminding her of Anya in a way. She could practically hear Anya’s sardonic ‘Wow. You're two-for-two, genius’ at the whole debacle. But she was getting off point. Shaking her head slightly, Lexa continued as she looked the apoplectic woman in the eye. “And I do get it, Raven. You’re her best friend and you’re just trying to protect her. But… I would never hurt Clarke… I- I love her. I’m in love with her.”

“Oh jesus christ,” Raven grumbled, leaning a hand on the desk beside her as she rolled her eyes in exasperation.

“No I, I know that sounds like I’m- like it’s manipulation. But it’s not... I love her. I’ve loved her for a very long time.”

“Baby,” Clarke said softly, grabbing Lexa’s hand to make her look at her. “You don’t need to say anything. You don’t have to…” she trailed off in confusion, the furrow between her brow deepening as Lexa nodded in response.

“There’s no other way, love. Be realistic. She’s smart, and cares about you too much to believe any lies,” she said gently before turning back to the frowning woman across from her. “I’m going to tell you something, and you’re not going to believe it at first, but just give me a chance, okay?” Raven stared at her for a long moment, finally raising an eyebrow as she gestured in a ‘well? get on with it’ motion. “Okay, thank you… The thing about me is, the reason why I don’t have any legal documents, or a place to live other than here, or any other thing you asked… is because I’m an angel... I was an angel. Up until two days ago.”

“For fuck’s sake, Clarke. You really hooked up with a crazy religious chick?” Raven groaned loudly as she moved the hand that rested on her hip up to rub her temple in annoyance.

“I know, I told you you wouldn’t believe me. But just try and open your mind. Just for a minute…,” she pleaded gently, licking her lips and thinking about how to delicately delve into this. “Remember how your grandmother always used to tell you stories about angels, how they kept you safe through the night?”

“Don’t talk about my family, you don’t know me,” Raven answered angrily.

“No, I don’t. I only know the things I’ve heard and seen over the last few years... I heard you telling Clarke about it once, a few years back. You guys were here, drinking wine and talking. You told her all about your grandmother and how much you missed her. About how religious she was and when you were little, she’d tell you stories about how angels were always watching over you, keeping you safe so you didn’t need to be afraid. You said you used to get scared of the dark and climb into her bed at night.”

“I told you that in confidence,” Raven said through gritted teeth, glaring at Clarke at the perceived betrayal.

“I never told her any of that!” Clarke swore. “I wouldn’t do that.”

“She didn’t, Raven,” Lexa said, backing her up immediately, her voice calm and soothing. “She didn’t have to, I watched you tell her. I was there in the room with you when you said it.”

“You’re insane.”

“I’m not... “ she said quietly, swallowing harshly as she collected her thoughts. “I fell in love with Clarke a few years ago. And ever since then I have watched over her and protected her, helped her as much as I could. And in that time I, I sort of got to know you too. Because you two are so close.”

“This is so ridiculous.”

“Really... I guarantee I know things about you that Clarke doesn’t know. Try me.”

“I can not believe I am listening to this... Okay, fine, definitely-not-psycho-lady,” she said folding her arms across her stomach, “dazzle me.”

She thought for a moment, knowing she only had one chance to salvage this entire mess of a situation and come out not seeming even crazier than the woman already thought she was. “Wh- when you spend the night here after having too much wine and don’t want to get a ride home, you always wait till Clarke goes to bed before going through her fridge... Usually you’ll stand there and eat a few bites of her ice cream right out of the container before putting it back,” she said, then rushing on as she watched the disbelieving look morph into a deeply unsettled expression. “And um, when you visit Clarke for lunch, when she has you wait in her office by yourself while she finishes up with something, you'll go through her computer history.”

“Hey,” Clarke said, frowning offendedly at her friend.

“If she takes too long you’ll move random things around in her desk just to annoy her the next time she goes looking and can’t find them… Oh uh, when you guys go out to eat together, if she leaves to use the bathroom, you always steal a bite of whatever she's ordered.”

“I knew it, you dick.” Raven didn’t respond to the name indignantly hushed at her, her narrowed eyes never leaving Lexa’s face.

“When Finn cheated on her, you rushed over and held her that whole afternoon and night. No matter how many times she said she was worthless you argued back... reminding her how wonderful she is... I was so grateful to you that night, you have no idea. And when she fell asleep on your shoulder, you cried a little bit too... I mean, yes, it was while you kept muttering ‘Fucking Finn’ and ‘I’m gonna cut his dick off’ but... it was still sweet. Seeing how good of a friend and person you are.”

“How can you possibly know any of this?” the woman whispered, still frowning suspiciously at her.

“Because I was there,” she said with a small smile, feeling Clarke’s arms wrapping around her waist from the side. She lifted her arm to return the embrace as she continued talking. “I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true. I fell in love with Clarke. I didn’t know for the longest time there was a way we could be together, but when I did, I chose her over everything. I became human because she’s all I want. And I want to make her happy.”

“You do make me happy, very much,” Clarke said quietly, leaning up and pressing a kiss to her jaw.

“That’s why we sound so weird answering your questions. That’s why I don’t have a place to live or, or a job. Or anything, really. Because up until two days ago, I didn’t exist. Not like this, anyway,” Lexa finished softly.

Raven continued to stare at her silently, her mouth persed as her eyes moved back and forth between Lexa’s own. Slowly, she leaned a hip on the desk beside as she exhaled loudly. “You fully realize how nuts this all is, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Yes,” her and Clarke answered at the same time.

“And that you sound like a crazy ass stalker?”

“Mhm,” she hummed with a nod, well aware of how both the real and alternate version of her story could come across at face value.

“And you believe her?” Raven asked, now looking at Clarke.

“Oh yeah, she’s for real. I watched Penelope slash the shit out of her arm and she didn’t bleed. There wasn’t even a mark.” That one had Raven’s eyebrows raising, her intimate knowledge of the cat’s vicious claws written across her face. “Believe me, I freaked the fuck out. I had a huge meltdown, called her a liar or something, told her to get out. It was a scene, girl.”

“Jesus,” the woman grimaced, looking between her friend and her guilty faced girlfriend. She was quiet for a long moment, seeming to digest everything Lexa had said. Lexa’s stomach knotted and swirled, the now familiar feeling that she might be sick rolling through her gut. Finally, Raven dropped her hands to her sides with long sigh. “Alright. Jesus, fine… Look, I don’t know if I believe any of this. But I can’t think of single way you know any of that shit and to be completely honest, I’m fucking freaking out myself… but… I don’t know,” she said, pinching her brows her together before snapping her gaze back to Lexa, eyes shooting daggers at her. “I’m still watching you though.”

“Of course,” Lexa agreed immediately.

“Just because I don’t know how to fight you on this doesn’t mean I completely believe you.”

“That’s okay. That’s fair, really.”

“And to be clear, just because Clarke has gone dumb over you doesn’t mean I won’t kick the shit out of you if you hurt her.”

“Alright, calm down,” Clarke tried.

“No, it’s okay,” Lexa cut in. “If I hurt her I’ll help you kick my ass. Ex-angel’s honor,” she smiled, holding up three fingers.

“Is that even a thing?” Raven said dryly. “I feel like that’s kind of conflicting ideologies.”

“... Yeah, you’re probably right. I’ll be honest, I’m just figuring this all out as I go, I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“Ya don’t say,” Raven snorted derisively. “That sad ass ‘Uh, the normal part’? No. You need to figure your story out before you talk to literally anyone else, ‘cause that shit was suspect as hell.”

“Duly noted,” Lexa said, nodding rapidly as she felt the tips of her ears burn, knowing exactly how ridiculous she had sounded.

“Not that I don’t enjoy holding community meetings in my bedroom, but if you’re done threatening and belittling my girlfriend,” Clarke glowered from beside her, “can we take this back to the living room?”

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

“She is a goddamn traitor.”

Lexa tried her best to stifle her laugh, tucking her lips in between her teeth as she watched Raven intensely scowl at the purring cat curled up on her own lap, Penny’s small green eyes looking tauntingly over at Raven as she loudly enjoyed the chin scratches Lexa was doling out. The woman had become highly offended when Penny had decided to wake from her beauty sleep and join them in the living room, Lexa guessing the raised voices from before having had a hand in her majesty’s rise and shine. When she had trundled her way into the room, Raven had immediately started cooing and coaxing the chubby feline toward her, even going so far as to offer her a piece of toast crust.

To which Penny had stared at her blankly for a solid ninety seconds, before walking over to hop up and situate herself in the cradle of Lexa’s folded legs.

“She’s a cat, Raven,” Clarke said from beside her, one arm slung across Lexa’s shoulders while the other nursed a fresh cup of coffee.

“No, she’s a duplicitous little shit. I have put in my time. I have laid down my sword and shield and taken so much abuse from her furry ass, only to be snubbed for a newbie. This is bullshit.”

“In, in all fairness… I’ve technically known Penny almost as long as you have,” Lexa tried quietly, not really sure if the statement would make the woman feel better or worse.

“Double bullshit!”

Ah.

“If it helps, I think it started as just an angel thing,” Lexa tried again. “Animals can be kind of weird around angels. Some hate them, but some want to be best friends. She just kind of glommed on s-so yeah. I think it was that. Something about the aura maybe, the energy? I’m not sure what drew her in.”

“Alright, calm yaself, Pahaliah,” Raven said rolling her eyes, before she and Clarke both startled slightly as Lexa started laughing brightly.

Confused as to why at least Raven wasn’t laughing along with her, Lexa sobered quickly as she blushed. “What? It was a decent joke, Raven... But I, I’m definitely not that guy.” She turned to see Clarke staring at her in confusion while the woman on the other couch just looked bewildered at her reaction. “What?”

“I don’t know why that was funny. Who’s… pa-paha… what she said,” Clarke said pointing vaguely at Raven.

“Pa-hu-lie-ee-uh,” Lexa pronounced slowly so Clarke could hear. “Pahaliah. He’s the angel of virtuosity and morals, among other things. Like converting people to Christianity... She was poking fun at me that I converted Penny, but it was actually funny,” she finished, looking back over at the thoroughly disgruntled looking woman. “If you’re gonna call me by a random angel name though, please pick someone else. He’s a complete stick in the mud… way too judgy.”

“Wait, hold the fuck up… what?”

“Yeah, he’s really dull. So boring to talk to. It’s just the same stuff over and over and over,” she rolled her eyes, dropping her head back in feigned boredom. “Besides,” she continued, lifting her head back up, “I think the whole ‘human now, enjoying wordly things’ factor kinda renders that comparison void. But still, funny.” She smiled sweetly, enjoying her ability to finally connect with Raven in some way.

That is until she noticed both women’s faces; eyes wide and jaws comically slack as they gaped at her.

Raven was the first to break, snapping her mouth shut as she took a second to look around the room. “Okay,” she said slowly, her eyes zeroing in on Lexa once more. “Then I guess you’d prefer… Zadkiel,” she said, turning her head to look out of the corner of her eyes suspiciously.

Lexa couldn’t help but light up at the name. “Oh, Zad’s a sweetheart. Yeah I like that one better… You know, people think he’s a pushover, but that’s not true. He’s just a really nice guy. You can talk to him for hours, he’s always so pleasa-”

“Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop… stop,” Raven said, eyes closed as she waved a hand in an almost flailing motion through the air. When Lexa stopped speaking, she opened her eyes again, looking at Lexa like she had never seen her before. “You’re saying… you want me to believe, that you’ve met these dudes?”

“Well, yeah,” she shrugged, not seeing where the disconnect was coming from.

“..... What?”

“I second that,” Clarke piped up beside her. “Baby, I genuinely have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Yeah... Azazel,” Raven said, eyeing Lexa closely.

The name crashed into her ears like a clap of thunder, landing like solid weight in the pit of her stomach and turning her jovial mood dark in an instant. She knew how her face must look as she felt the muscles tighten throughout her jaw... but that was beyond uncalled for.

“I know you don’t trust me, but that was unnecessary,” she said with a small snarl, despite trying to keep her temper in check. “That was a cheap shot, and I don’t appreciate it.” She felt anger roiling through her as the insinuation slithered under skin. Knowing full well the situations were completely different, Raven’s words struck a nerve nonetheless. “I didn’t corrupt anyone, and I sure as hell didn’t get cast out. I chose this,” she stressed, “because I love Clarke and wanted to make her happy. So whatever you’re trying to underhandedly accuse me of, you can take it, and shov-”

“Lexa, baby, calm down,” Clarke said gently, having silently set down her coffee mug during the unintelligible clash between her friend and girlfriend. She withdrew her arm from around Lexa’s shoulders, moving to lace her fingers through Lexa’s shaking hands while the other reached up to run soft fingertips across her concrete jaw. When the soft touch failed to make the straining muscles relax, Clarke started rubbing small circles on her stomach, worried and desperate to calm the woman. She watched as Lexa’s eyes drifted closed, finally taking a moment to allow Clarke to ground her.

“Holy shit, you are for real, aren’t you?,” Raven said whispered through the silence after a moment. “You’re actually a fucking angel.”

“Ex-angel, and I don’t appreciate-”

“No, calm down. I was just trying to see if I could piss you off.”

“You succeeded,” Lexa seethed quietly as her eyes snapped open, seeing the woman wince slightly from the ire that radiated from her glare.

“Woah, hey, I’m sorry,” Raven held her hands up, obviously realizing the full measure of Lexa’s anger. “I crossed a line, man. I’m sorry.”

“Can someone please explain to me what just happened?” Clarke implored helplessly.

Lexa, still trying to steady herself from the verbal gut punch the name had been, chose to remain silent. Raven started speaking quietly instead, apparently seeing Lexa wasn’t going to be helping her out here. “I uh, I, kind of, sort of… compared her to a fallen angel-”

“Cast out,” Lexa clarified definitively, though her voice was much calmer than before. “He and his group were cast out. They did not fall, not like I did, they were expelled. There is a difference.”

Even remotely drawing a parallel between the two set her teeth on edge.

“You’re right, you’re right,” she nodded hastily, lowering her hands to her lap as she chewed her lip for a moment before speaking again. “Anyway they uh, sorta got kicked out of heaven… for marrying and fuckin’ around with humans. There’s a bunch of lore and stuff about how they corrupted mankind. It’s a lot of drama and a huge mess to read… So, yeah. It was a fucked up thing to say. I’m sorry, Lexa, honestly... But holy shit, man, you’re a real fucking angel aren't you? Ex-angel,” she hurried to correct herself.

Breathing slowly through her nose, Lexa took a moment before nodding, accepting her apology for what it was. She knew Raven sometimes pushed too far, but at least now she knew a hard line not to pass with Lexa.

And from the sound of it, she actually believed her… so there was that, at least.

“So wait,” Clarke said, a frown crossing her face as well. “So, if we had, ya know,” she gave her meaningful look, “before you fell, what would have happened?”

“That would have fallen under ‘Not Following Orders’,” she said pointedly, turning to look at the woman beside her. “I was pushing it just by kissing you.”

“You put yourself in danger? Just by kissing me?” Clarke looked thoroughly horrified at the idea, which inturn caused Lexa to feel nervous all over.

The words ‘Dangerous Topic, Abort. Abort.’ blinked in her brain.

Today was turning out to be a rollercoaster.

"... No?"

"Lexa."

“No, I- it… Okay, you see the thing is,” she started off terribly, hearing the weird way her voice started to climb upwards with each word she spoke, trying to find a way to dodge this landmine.

“Oh my god, Lexa!” Clarke shrilled into the air, moving to lightly pinch up and down both sides of her waist, causing her to laugh as she tried and failed to squirm away, yelping small ‘ow’-s, ‘ouch’-es, and ‘stop’-s through her fits of giggles during the assault. Lexa finally got ahold of the attacking hands, wrapping the wriggling fingers inside her own as she trapped them tightly together against her upper chest. Clarke’s struggle ceased immediately, even as Lexa continued to lightly chuckle at her, their faces now only inches apart. “I can’t believe you put yourself in danger, you beautiful idiot,” Clarke said angrily, her eyes looking soft despite her words.

“I didn’t. Not really, I promise. I may have been… toeing the line, but I never would have done anything that permanently kept me from you,” Lexa assured softly.

“Just the thought of that happening to you, I don’t… just thinking about it, there’s like this terror… it makes me feel sick.”

“Shhh, love, no,” she whispered, leaning her head to rest against Clarke’s, releasing her hands to thread her fingers through the soft curls at the back of her neck, gently massaging to calm the woman’s thoughts. “That’s not what happened, okay? I’m here, and I’m safe... and I’m yours.”

Clarke was quiet for a long moment before nodding minutely, eventually wrapping her hands around Lexa’s hips and scooting her closer. "Mine."

“Mine,” Lexa echoed quietly, smiling as she closed her eyes, nuzzling their noses together as she leaned forward, wetting her lips with her tongue as she moved to press a gentle kiss to Clarke’s li-

“Has anyone ever told y’all when you do that ‘Mine, Mine’ thing, you sound like those seagulls off ‘Finding Nemo’?”

Lexa pulled back abruptly at the sound Raven’s voice, having momentarily forgotten that the woman was sat less than five feet away from them.

Clarke being Clarke, however, darted forward, pressing a swift yet soft kiss to plump lips before drawing away and turning to her friend. “Don’t be jealous, bitch,” Clarke smirked, sticking her tongue between her teeth to show she was teasing.

“Oh yeah, Dory, I’m hella jealous of you two eating each other’s faces every ten minutes,” she said, scoffing at both of them. “Anyway. You’re out of food and, frankly, I can’t think of anymore damage I could possibly do here this morning.”

“Preach!” Clarke said flatly, raising a single hand in mock prayer before attempting to bat away the rogue pillow being thrown back at her from her earlier assault.

“So I’m gonna head out,” Raven continued louder, before dropping back down to her normal voice. “But I’ll call you, for details and all that. About the papers and stuff. It shouldn’t take me too long… I’ll make sure it’s good to go,” she added softly looking at Lexa hesitantly, as if she wasn’t sure if the woman wanted to be addressed by her anymore. It made Lexa feel more than a little guilty, thinking she very well might have overreacted if her response earlier had caused the normally boisterous woman to seem uncertain as to whether she should talk to her.

Scooting forward to the edge of the couch, Lexa reached out to place her hand over one of Raven’s as it rested on her knee, squeezing slightly as she tried to convey that they were okay. “Thank you so much, I will never be able to explain how much I appreciate you doing this for me. For me and for Clarke.”

Seeing the small sigh of relief the woman exhaled, Lexa felt more hopeful about a possible friendship between her girlfriend’s best friend and herself.

And then Raven spoke again.

“Alright, I’m not into threesomes,” she grumbled, averting her eyes as she stood swiftly. “Clarke, I’m terribly busy with pending documents and such, so I’m going to allow you to put away my dishes for me. But as always, I have been a pleasure.” With that, she stepped around the table and strode down the hall to gather her coat and keys from the hook by the door. Following the woman after a mutual look of amused exasperation, Clarke and Lexa stood by the door as she slid her coat on and opened it to leave. “I’ll hit you up when everything’s done. Probably a couple days, give or take.”

“Okay, thanks again, babe. You’re the shit,” Clarke smiled softly moving to give her friend a hug goodbye.

“I am… I am the shit. Love you,” Raven agreed solemnly into her shoulder before letting go.

“Love you, too.”

Raven seemed to freeze for a second, eyes strangely darting between Lexa and the wall beside her, before shrugging as she lunged forward to wrap her in a decidedly bone crushing hug, clamping Lexa’s arms to her sides beneath her own. It lasted all of three seconds before Raven grabbed her by the shoulders, separating them somewhat forcefully. “Okay, see you later,” she muttered to no one in particular, her head tilted to the floor as she turned to step out of the apartment, closing the door with a snap behind her.

Lexa stood there staring at the closed door for a moment, completely thrown by whatever the hell that had been, turning to see Clarke looking just as perplexed. Shaking her head, realizing how futile it was to try and decipher the motives behind the majority of Raven’s actions, she grabbed Clarke’s hand, tugging gently to get her moving back down the hall.

“I love her but she is probably clinically insane. I mean, I’ve considered it more than once,” Clarke sighed as they settled back down on the couch.

“I wouldn’t say insane… Strange?” she said, motioning behind her in the direction of where the weird goodbye had transpired, “Obviously. But she has a reason for everything she does. I just never know what they are.”

Clarke released a long sigh, leaning back into the cushions as she drew Lexa’s hand into her lap, feeling the way Lexa brushed small circles over the swell of her thigh, the action relaxing after the whirlwind morning the two had endured. “She may be the strangest best friend in the world, but I’ve dealt with it long enough… she’s mine for good, I guess.”

Lexa couldn’t stop the frown that covered her face as her thumb halted it gentle sweeps, and depressing realization settling into her mind.

“What’s the matter, baby?” Clarke asked, immediately noticing the change in her demeanor.

“Nothing,” Lexa said slightly dejectedly.

“Is it because I called her my best friend? ‘Cause you know you’re actually me bes-”

"No, no, of course not. It’s not that.”

“Well then what?” she asked softly.

“It’s just,” Lexa said dully, turning to direct a gloomy look at the woman beside her, “...I hear it now... I’m never gonna be able to get that damn 'Mine, Mine’ thing out of my head.”

Chapter Text

“You have to go,” she giggled softly.

“Mmmm, but do I though?” Clarke moaned into the skin of her neck. “I could just quit. We spend everyday in bed?”

As appealing as that thought was to Lexa, she knew the logistics of that particular dream weren’t practical for… anything. Still, she couldn’t help but hum lightly as the woman pinning her to the wall beside their front door slipped sneaky hands down the back of her pants to palm full cheeks.

It had been quite the struggle since they had tapped out the night before, Lexa calling a halt to their bedroom activities that had resumed shortly after Raven’s exit, only in the name of Clarke getting some sleep. She insisted the woman go to work as usual the next day, eventually getting her to agree and set the alarm when she reminded her that she was not going anywhere just because Clarke would be gone for the day. Also that she wanted to build a life with her, and that included getting used to the days when she had long shifts at the hospital.

Sans some light grumbling about ‘stupid career paths’ and how ‘unnecessary capitalistic money making’ was, Clarke had agreed.

But the morning had proven to be just as difficult to get Clarke on track with her normal routine as the night before. Lexa, despite all reasoned arguments that it was going to cut the time the woman usually used to stop for her morning coffee at the little shop she favored, had allowed herself to be dragged into the shower alongside Clarke. Helping the handsy woman wash her hair had, predictably, devolved into a quick bright orgasm apiece to start the day before Lexa insisted they needed to move it or Clarke was going to be late. She had tossed on a tank top and a pair of flannel pajama bottoms from Clarke’s dresser while the woman scurried into a set of pink scrubs decorated with tiny prints of puppies wearing sunglasses.

They looked absolutely ridiculous, and Lexa adored her profusely.

While Clarke had fixed her hair and applied her normal light coat of makeup, Lexa made her some toast and a cup of coffee, just the way the woman liked, proud of herself for remembering and correctly executing all the steps she had watched her perform the previous morning (barring the slight misstep of initially forgetting to put water in the small tank, rebounding quickly after staring hopelessly at the uncooperative machine for several minutes).

Her efforts were handsomely rewarded with a grateful smile and slow, lush kiss when Clarke had hustled into the kitchen only to see her breakfast had already thoughtfully been prepared.

Noticing the time, Lexa had urged Clarke to hurry up and eat, insisting that she add a banana to the otherwise meager meal. After the woman finished, Lexa cleared the dishes while assuring Clarke that she would eat something in a little bit as she guided her down the hall toward the door, reminding the woman if she didn’t leave now she most definitely would have to run to not be late. She had helped slip on Clarke’s jacket, gathering her bag and keys to hand to her, before feeling hands slide around her waist as the woman crowded into her front, softly pushing her back until she was pinned against the wall. She felt soft lips press against hers before her brain had fully registered the move, immediately reacting to the contact anyway as she kissed back fully, dropping the bag and keys to wrap around Clarke’s shoulders.

They hadn’t moved much since, if you didn’t count Clarke’s relocation of hands to Lexa’s shapely backside.

“As much as I want nothing more than to drag you back to bed for the third day in a row, you have to go to work, love.”

“Nuh-uh,” Clarke said, kissing a slow path across the swoop of smooth skin not covered by the top of the tank she wore while her hands massaged below. “I have savings. We’d be fine for… five, six months, easy.”

Lexa couldn’t stop the lazy smile that this ridiculous woman always seemed to inspire, carefully lacing her fingers in the small curls at the base of Clarke’s neck so as to not mess up her look for the day. “I would never let you quit, Clarke.”

“I’ll call them later and let them know I’m resigning to spend my life having mad, passionate sex with my girlfriend. I’ll send them your picture, they’ll understand.”

“You love your job,” she chuckled.

“I love you,” Clarke corrected her, pulling back to smile at her, the brilliance of blue making Lexa feel weak.

“And I love you,” she echoed softly, moving her hands to smooth out small wrinkles on the bright scrubs. “And I’ll be waiting right here when you come home to me... because you’re absolutely going to work,” she finished with a smirk.

“Lexa,” the woman whined dramatically, flexing her fingers for emphasis. “How do you expect me to go to work and focus knowing you’re here, looking stupidly gorgeous and sexy in my pajamas… with no goddamn underwear on? That’s cruel and unusual punishment.”

“I know, love, it’s a hardship for us all. But I’m not going to allow you to ruin your career just because of me. So,” she said, gently guiding the woman’s hands away from her butt cheeks and out of her pants before bending down to gather the items she had dropped, handing them to a thoroughly frowning Clarke. “Here are your things, I’m terribly in love with you, and I hope you have a wonderful day,” she finished, leaning in to peck a chaste kiss to pink lips.

“Fine,” Clarke murmured as she moved to open the door. “I’ll miss you though... I don’t care what you say, you can’t stop me.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” she smiled at the grumpy tone being directed at her. “I’ll miss you too.” She held the door open as the woman stepped out, seeing Clarke stop for a moment and turn back toward her.

“I completely forgot, if you end up wanting to go anywhere today, there’s a spare key hanging up on the hook.” Lexa just nodded silently as she glanced to where the woman was pointing. “Actually, just keep that, it’ll be yours now. We can get you a keyring or something for it later... Also, if you do go out, there’s some cash in the drawer by my chair.”

“Clarke, no,” she shook her head immediately.

“Baby? Hush. Alright? You’ll get on your feet but for right now, let me take care of you… just like you take care of me. You made me breakfast and everything, remember? Same thing. So if you go out, just take a little with you so you can eat or whatever. I don’t want you stuck out there with nothing.” Lexa worried her lip for a moment, ultimately nodding with a sigh. “Okay good. And despite how hot you look in my shit, we’ll go out sometime this week and get you some clothes and shoes and stuff that actually fit you, but for now, borrow anything you need.”

“Thank you,” Lexa said quietly, equal parts ashamed to be such a burden on the woman but also feeling so incredibly lucky that she had found someone who was so giving with their love and life.

“Okay… that’s everything I think,” she said hurriedly, glancing down at her watch as her eyes widened slightly. “Oh fuck, okay. I love you,” she breathed, darting forward press a full, slow kiss to Lexa’s lips despite her lack of time. “I’ll see you tonight.”

“I love you, too,” Lexa called to the woman dashing quickly toward the elevator. “Have a good day saving lives,” she smirked as the doors slid closed, catching the brilliant smile on her girlfriend’s face as it disappeared from sight.

Shutting the door with a sigh, she took a moment to lean back against it as her eyes drifted closed, the goofy smile across her face evidence of how blissful she felt in that moment. She would miss Clarke throughout her day, not quite sure what to do with herself now that she couldn’t go visit her at a moment’s notice, but unequivocally joyful at having been able to fulfill yet another daydream scenario she had envisioned hundreds of times before. With a rhapsodic hum, she pushed herself off the door, slowly walking down the hallway of the silent apartment, her thoughts filled with what she should do with her day.

She considered maybe watching a movie, thinking she could figure out Clarke’s complicated looking system eventually. Or maybe read for a while, not having had much time to do so in the last few weeks. But as her stomach gave an audible rumble, her mind decided the first order of business was obvious.

Her thoughts drifted to Clarke, smiling as she pictured her probably power walking her way to work right at that moment, half running, half walking every few steps and cursing quietly under her breath for letting herself be so late.

She rounded the corner to the kitchen, peppily taking the small three steps up in one go.

“Lorrrrd, I thought you two would never break it up.”

Lexa gave a small shout as she startled back, her feet sliding off the edge of the stairs as she tumbled backwards, falling the short distance and landing heavily on her butt.

Despite the pain radiating through her backside, Lexa clutched a hand to her chest as she tried to calm her racing heart. “What the fuck, Anya!”

She glowered up at the woman leaning back against the kitchen’s island, seeing her friend press a fingertip to her lips as her shoulders shook with silent laughter. Huffing as she slowly got up, reaching a hand back to massage a particularly sore spot where she landed, she moved forward, swatting the woman on the shoulder on her way to the sink to wash her hands.

“Sorry,” Anya said as her laughter subsided, turning to lean her forearms on the tile. “I figured you’d be able to sense me.

“I wasn’t exactly focusing on my surroundings in the moment, you ass,” she said grumpily, twisting and turning her hips to help dull the slowly fading ache.

“Jeez, three days human and you already got a mouth on you,” Anya tsked good-naturedly. “I think that Clarke’s a bad influence.”

“Shut up,” she relented with a smile, moving around the island to hug her friend gently. Despite the woman being an undeniable jerk with a warped sense of humor, she had missed Anya over the last couple days. “You’re actually just in time though, I’m about to eat breakfast.” Lexa knew her smile probably looked overly excited at the prospect, but she was delighted at the notion that she would be able to share with her friend one of her favorite perks of being human thus far.

“Look at you, all domesticated up. Kissing the wifey goodbye as she heads out to work.”

“I hate you,” she huffed with a grin.

“You gonna make a pie while ironing her slacks next?” she smirked evilly. Lexa chuckled as she pushed down the lever on the small metal contraption on the counter.

“I can barely make toast,” she said lightly, motioning to the machine in question. “But it doesn’t matter. Clarke doesn’t care that I’m pretty useless right now.”

“You’re not useless, Alexandria,” her friend said, rolling her eyes as she walked over to lean on the counter beside her. “If they can figure this stuff out then so can you.”

“... Did you just call me dumb?”

“No. I called them dumb and you less dumb,” she shrugged. “Anyway, how is all this going? You guys looked pretty loved up before she left. It was disgusting.”

Ignoring the blush that crept up her neck at the knowledge that Anya had witnessed any part of that interaction, Lexa couldn’t help the dreamy sigh that escaped her as she practically melted into the counter behind her. “It’s amazing… I am so happy, Anya. No matter how much I used to fantasize about this, I had no idea. I had no idea it could feel like this. I always used to think about… I thought about things in such a small, telescope kind of way. It never occurred to me what it would actually be like to really be in the moment, you know?”

“No.”

Helpful as always.

“I don’t know how to explain it. I knew… I hoped, I would be happy. I always thought, ‘If I could be with her, then I would be happy and I could try to make her happy, too.’ But the reality? How I feel when I wake up in the middle of the night and she’s holding me? Or, or when I say something she likes? There’s this look. She gets this look… it makes me feel like I can do anything... That I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. And that maybe she needs me as much I need her and I just… it’s so overwhelming. But amazing and wonderful and it takes everything I have to not just, spend all my time telling her how much I love her.”

She shook her head at the notion, knowing she was babbling on as she tried to process her feelings while struggling to convey even a fraction of the indescribable tightness in her chest at the thought of Clarke. After a moment, she looked over, finding soft brown eyes gazing gently back at her.

“That was so gay.”

Scoffing loudly as she pushed off the counter, Lexa flicked Anya on the forehead as she walked past to get a plate down from the cabinet. “I don’t know why I talk to you.”

“I’m not sure either. But someone needs to talk to you about your violent tendencies,” she said flatly, watching as Lexa liberally buttered her toast.

“Is there something you needed, or are you just here to razz me repeatedly?” she sighed.

“Mmm,” Anya hummed, tilting her head from side to side in consideration, “Both. I wanted to check on you. Make sure you hadn’t been given the stanky boot when you showed up at her door, but I see now Dr. Love must have welcomed you with open arms.”

“To say the least,” Lexa cheeked, sucking a rogue swipe of butter from her thumb before grabbing her plate and coffee and turning to walk into the living room. She noticed the way Anya’s nose crinkled as she watched her take a sip once they had settled on the couch. “Trust me, I know.”

“How?” Anya grimaced, eyeing the mug with a look of disdain.

“It’s different when you’re human. It doesn’t have that… toxic smell. It smells more earthy, kind of rich and dark in a good way. And it’s really not bad when you put something sweet in it. I tried it black once, like Clarke likes? I almost died.”

“Drug fiends, the lot of you.” Lexa could only laugh as she took an intentionally large slug of the robust liquid, letting out an exaggeratedly satisfied ‘ahhhh’ as she set the mug down on the table.

Anya was quiet for a few moments as Lexa devoured her first slice of toast in record time. Forcing herself to eat the second one slower, it was around the third bite that it occurred to Lexa that no one had spoken the last few minutes. Pausing mid-chew to look over at her friend, she noticed the woman was staring at her blankly. “What?” she asked around the bite of food.

“It’s just really weird, seeing you acting so… human,” Anya shrugged. “I mean you’re eating that toast like you’re angry at it.”

Lexa could only laugh as she carefully finished chewing and swallowed so that she didn’t choke. “I know, but oh my god, Anya. Food… Food,” she said intensely. “I never would’ve guessed.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes,” she nodded emphatically. “First of all, Barb was not joking. I get hungry all the time. I mean all of the time. Every couple of hours there’s this weird achy hollow pain in my stomach. It makes these crazy gurgling noises and it feels like I want to throw up, but then you eat and it just... goes away.”

“That’s what hunger feels like?” Anya asked, looking absolutely disgusted by the description.

“Bizarre, I know, right? The first day I came here I wasn’t really sure what it was. But then Clarke gave me something to eat and yeah. That’s apparently hunger. But the food, Anya,” she said reverently, reaching a hand out to grasp the woman’s arm as her eyes slid closed. “The way food tastes.”

“Are you alright?”

“No,” Lexa said very seriously. “I wish I could have you taste this stuff. It’s mind blowing.”

“You’re frightening me with how excited you are over hot bread.”

“I’m fine with that,” she smiled sweetly, munching another crunchy bite of toast.

“Speaking of your first day though, how’d that go?”

Lexa nodded lightly as she set down her plate, taking a second to brush the crumbs from her hands before turning to face Anya fully. “It was good. Pretty much like Barbara said it would go. This little boy found me, though... I feel bad for that. He’s probably always going to remember the weird bloody lady he and his dad helped on some random beach when he was a kid.”

“Yeah, you’re welcome for that.”

“What?” Lexa asked, her brows furrowing slightly.

“I told you I’d do what I could,” she said it should be obvious.

Lexa was silent for a moment, realizing the meaning behind her friend’s words. “That was you?” she said softly. Anya scoffed loudly as she rolled her eyes.

“Of course it was, Einstein… Well, not me-me. I asked for a favor from Raph.”

“You got Raphael involved?” she sputtered.

“Just, like, a little bit,” Anya held up her thumb and forefinger to demonstrate as she shrugged it off. “It’s fine.”

“Ahn.”

“Lex,” she mimicked. “I couldn’t exactly just pick the kid’s kite up and run away with it, think of how bonkers that would’ve looked. I wanted to get you help, not irreparably scar some poor child thinking he had been to a haunted beach.”

“He asked me if I was dead,” she said flatly, ignoring the slight snort Anya gave in response as she shook her head.

“You did look pretty rough. Listen, I tried waking you up myself but it wasn’t happening. Poked you a couple times and everything but you were knocked out cold. So I waited around until I saw someone I thought could help, and that dude looked big enough to carry three of you so I went for it, alright? Sue me.”

Lexa felt the sting tears prick at the back of her eyes, hearing the trouble her friend had gone to to help her. Sniffling slightly, she shuffled forward even as the other woman scooted back.

“No.”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t do it,” she implored as her back hit the arm of the couch.

“I’m doing it,” Lexa nodded softly, closing the distance between them as she wrapped her arms securely around Anya, resting her head on the taller woman’s shoulder.

“You’re ridiculous,” Anya sighed into her ear as reluctant arms wrapped around her waist, hands awkwardly patting her on the back. “Alright… Okay… That’s enough... Let go now.”

“Nope,” she argued gently, shaking her head without pulling back.

“Don’t make me hurt you three days after I saved you.”

“Human now,” she reminded her friend, pushing closer as she obnoxiously tightened her arms, “You couldn't even if you wanted to.”

“I’ll figure something out,” Anya grunted trying to peel the annoying woman off.

“Uh huh.”

“Release me, demon,” she exclaimed, causing Lexa to dissolve into laughter, finally breaking her hold as she drew back to lightly slap Anya on the shoulder. “What did I say about the violen-”

Anya’s words were cut off by the sound of the apartment’s buzzer sounding through the room, causing both women to freeze mid movement and stare at each other for several long moments. The buzzer sounded again, the noise lasting longer than before and snapping Anya out of her state of shock. “Are you going to answer that?”

“I don’t know if I should.”

“Don’t you live here now?” Anya asked boredly. She thought for a moment before deciding her friend made a valid point.

She got up, quickening her pace toward the small panel by the door as she heard the buzzer sound yet again. “Whoever that is, tell them they’re breathtakingly annoying,” she heard Anya’s voice echo down the hall behind her.

It took her a second to read the label to find the right button, pushing it lightly as she cleared her throat. “H-hello?”

“For fuck sake, Lexa, you don’t have to yell.”

Ah, Raven.

Swallowing slightly as her ears burned hotly, realizing she had, indeed, been speaking a bit loudly, she hit the button to try again, much quieter than before. “Sorry. Um, Clarke’s not here right now, but you can come up. Just a second.” She hit the button off to the right that had a small picture of a lock on it, assuming that had to be the right one before immediately jogging back down the hall toward her friend. “Okay, so, just a head’s up. Clarke’s friend Raven is here. She’s… a lot. But um, she’s not too bad. She’s going to help me get paperwork that makes me, ya know, real to the rest of the world. So I can get a job and stuff.”

“I thought you were gonna be a kept woman?”

“Not now, Anya,” she snipped. “She’s doing a lot for me, without her I won’t be able to do anything to help Clarke out. So please, for the love of God, just be-” she stopped for a moment as she heard the woman struggling with the handle of the door behind her, realizing she had forgotten to unlock it like Raven was used to. “Just be nice,” she rushed out as she started walking back down the hall, before stopping, retracing her steps to lean around the corner again. “Oh, and uh... I told her about me, and that angels are real.” She ducked quickly back down the hall, ignoring the horrified ‘You did what?!’ that filtered from the living room as she hurried to open the door, smiling widely (awkwardly) as her eyes landed on the figure on the other side.

“Are you alright?” Raven asked, her head rearing back slightly.

“What? Yes, of course. Why?”

“You’re smiling like you’ve lost your mind?”

“Oh,” she blinked several times, taming down the maniacal expression on her face as she realized how it must look to have a brilliantly beaming woman you’ve only met once open the door for you. Lexa took a quick second to try and calm the nerves in her stomach as she stepped back to hold the door wide open, releasing a slow breath as she sent up a silent prayer that the next few minutes wouldn’t be an absolute fiasco. “Sorry, please come in.”

“Thanks. I would’ve called but it occurred to me I don’t have your number and by the time I thought about it, I knew Clarke would be heading off to work so, figured I’d just drop through,” she said as she shrugged out of her jacket before hanging it on the hook. Picking up the small bag she had set down, Raven strode down the hall as she continued. “I need some particulars before I can finish this up, stuff like full name and a… who’s this?” she asked, halting so abruptly Lexa almost slammed into her back.

“Ah, yes,” she said, hurrying around Raven to step into the room, refusing to acknowledge the glare being directed at her from the couch. “Anya, this is Clarke’s best friend, Raven. Raven, this is actually my best friend, Anya.”

“Best friend? You said you’ve been human for like, a couple days. How the fuck you got a best friend?” Raven asked, leaning a hand on her hip as her eyes flitted suspiciously between Lexa and the newcomer on the couch.

"She’s my friend from before," Lexa answered with a frown, not sure where the confusion was coming from. She took a slight step back as the woman's eyes shot wide, her mouth hanging open as she lifted up onto her toes to look over Lexa's shoulder at the heavenly being reclined easily on the couch.

"Wait… Before? As in like, before-before?” At Lexa’s small nod, Raven blinked rapidly, shaking her head as she continued. “S-she, she's a uh, an uh…" Raven whispered shakily, eyes darting between the two. "She's really a, you know?"

"I can hear you," came the droll reply from behind her.

"Anya, be nice."

"What did I do? I'm just saying I don't know why she's whispering, I'm sitting right here." At hearing the woman speak, Raven gasped slightly, hurriedly moving around Lexa to sit down directly next to Anya on the couch.

"It is an honor to meet you," she said, taking Anya's hand and kissing it before pressing her forehead to her knuckles. Lexa watched frozenly as her friend stared at the woman in front of her, her face flushed with confused horror.

"What is she doing?"

"I don't really know," Lexa admitted, just as perplexed by the odd behavior.

"I'm... paying respect," Raven said hesitantly, lifting her head minutely.

"Well, you're weirding me out."

At the words Raven's head shot up, looking embarrassed and mildly disgruntled. "I thought that's what you're supposed to do with like, heavenly figures or whatever."

"In what world?" Anya asked, frowning deeply as she, as gracefully as possible, removed her hand from the strange woman's grip.

"I, I don't know."

"Sound logic."

"I was trying to be respectful and shit," Raven huffed as she sat back dejectedly, scowling embarrassedly at the mockery.

"By accosting a stranger's hand with your mouth?" Anya smirked lightly.

“Well what the fuck are you supposed to do?”

“I mean, ‘Hi’ is pretty universal I think.” She released a soft grunt as Lexa tugged on a strand of her hair as she walked past on her way to sit down.

"Are you sure she's an angel?" Raven asked, turning to frown confusedly at Lexa.

"I'm about ninety-five percent sure, yeah," she teased as she settled down onto the couch opposite them.

"The other five is pure jealousy."

Lexa snorted loudly at that. "Ah, yes. Terribly jealous of your social ineptitude and derisive personality."

"Excuse you, my personality is stunning, only to be outdone by my devastating good looks."

"She's not wrong." Both heads turned to gape slightly at the woman who resolutely averted her eyes, shrugging nonchalantly as she reached for her bag. “I’m just saying,” she mumbled while pulling out a pad of paper and a pencil.

“See? Thank you very much, Raven,” Anya smirked over at Lexa, missing the blush flaming up the woman’s neck.

"Anyway,” Raven said with a loud exhale, “Ignoring this really fucking surreal experience, I did have a reason for coming here. I need to figure out the details you want for this stuff."

"Oh, okay. I just figured you'd make everything up. But um, yeah. Okay," Lexa nodded as she sat up straight.

"Alright, sooo," she said with a flourish, poised to copy down all of the information, "first off, name."

"Lexa."

"Technically her name is Alexandria."

"Yes, but I prefer Lexa," she scowled at her friend.

"Well… let's go with Alexandria. It's nice having a long name with a nickname, that way when someone calls you and they say your real name you know they don't know you and can just hang up on them."

"Why would I-"

"Trust me," she cut off as she scribbled down the name. "Now do you want a middle name or just a last name?"

"I-I have no idea," she breathed, feeling completely out of her depth yet again.

"Mmm let's just go with last name for now. Any ideas?"

"Einstein," Anya interjected with a grin.

"Say what?" Raven looked up, confused.

"Ignore everything she ever says," Lexa said while rolling her eyes. "I don't, angels don't have last names."

"Well what did you tell Clarke it was? ...Did you tell Clarke anything? I swear to god, did that dumbass really date a chick for weeks without knowing her damn name?"

"Hey, Clarke's not a dumbass," she said immediately, feeling a slice of protectiveness over her girlfriend's honor. "Our relationship just kind of… everything happened so fast. So if you feel the need to blame anyone, blame me."

"Yeah yeah, alright, calm down, Cujo. So did you give her a name at all?" Raven asked again exasperatedly.

"I did once, yes... but it was stupid," she murmured quietly.

"Oh this should be good," Anya chuckled lightly to her left.

"Shut up."

"Was it Lesbian? Was it Lexa Lesbian?"

"Anya, I swear I am going to beat the sh-"

"Yo!" Raven yelled over the two bickering friends. "I just need a name, children."

"Woods," she said, shooting a final glare at her friend before turning back to Raven. "I told her my name was Lexa Woods."

"Lexa Woods… Alexandria Woods… that's actually not bad. How'd you come up with it?" Raven asked absently as she wrote it down.

“... I… was looking at a piece of wood…” she trailed off, blushing under the slowly turning heads moving to stare at her. Sinking back into the cushions of the couch, she cleared her throat lightly as she gestured for Raven to keep going. “It doesn’t matter, what’s next?”

“Okaaaay,” Raven said amusedly, “moving on. How old are you?”

“Well, time moves differently outside of earth.”

“Rough estimate.”

“About th-three thousand… ish?” she answered uncertainly, looking to Anya for confirmation. “You’re around fifteen hundred years older than me, so that’d be around-”

“Yeah, three thousand sounds right. Something like that.” They both nodded to each other before turning back.

Lexa’s stomach dropped sharply.

Raven’s normally rich complexion had paled drastically in the few seconds it had taken them to sort out the mathematics of their existence, her mouth hanging open as her eyes slid slowly from one to the other and back.

“You should probably take a breath sometime soon,” Anya grinned, nudging the woman next to her lightly on the shoulder. Lexa watched her suck in a gasp of air, her mouth snapping shut as she fumbled with trying to pick up the pencil she had dropped at some point during her mental paralysis.

“Yeah, of course,” she said, nodding vigorously, her voice a few octaves higher than normal. “I’m good, this is good. Everything’s fine.”

“Are you okay?” Lexa asked gently.

“Yep. Yep yep yep. Just sitting here with thousands of year old angels. I’m not shitting myself, everything’s fine,” she rushed out, shaking her head as she painted an over-enthusiastic smile across her face that also served to make her look like she might be ill at any moment. “So! That’s incredibly not overwhelming information, but it is also not very applicable here. Have you been working on earth the entire time?”

“Oh, no,” Lexa smiled softly, hoping this would help put the woman back at ease. “Not even close. Before this I dealt with space stuff, meteor paths, blackholes, stuff like that. I only recently started working here actually.”

“Okay,” Raven seemed to sigh a bit in relief. “So how long have you been working here?”

“About forty years.”

She watched the now mostly-genuine smile fall dramatically from the woman’s face yet again. “Jesus fucking christ, are you serious?”

What now?

“Yes, why?” she asked, extremely puzzled.

“Because you’ve apparently been working here longer than your girlfriend’s even been alive.”

“Don’t worry, she’s always acted about fourteen so they should be fine,” Anya grinned across at the woman next to her.

“I mean yeah, I got that from watching them together. It’s just a mental mind fuck because to be honest, when I first saw Lexa I actually thought Clarke was robbing the cradle a little bit.” The words had barely left her mouth when Anya bent forward, hand reaching out to clutch at Raven’s arm as she doubled over in a fit of laughter. “What? Am I wrong?” Raven asked through her own chuckling mirth.

“No, I thought it too, I just never would have said anything,” Anya said leaning back to wipe at the corners of her eyes.

“I don’t know what’s so funny, but if Anya’s laughing I don’t want to know,” Lexa huffed, interrupting the two’s vaguely insulting back and forth. “Just put me down as Clarke’s age.”

“Yeah, that’s not gonna work.”

“Why?” she asked indignantly.

“Uhhh, because there’s not a chance in hell you’d pass as thirty-three? I’m gonna put you down as... Twenty-three,” Raven said, her grin widening as she glanced at Anya’s evil smirk.

“No,” Lexa said testily. “Put me down as Clarke’s age.”

“You don’t get it Lexa, you’d never pass as a woman in her thirties, it just ain’t happening.”

“She’s not lying, dude. Think about it.”

“How about… twenty-five?” Raven tried again.

“... Thirty.”

“Twenty-six and I’ll make your birthday soon?”

“Thirty.”

“Jesus. Okay, how about we split the difference. Let’s do twenty-eight and you stop living in dreamland?”

Lexa took a moment to think it over, unhappy with the age difference but knowing there wasn’t a lot she could do about the situation. She knew her angelic features lent themselves to a rather young and carefree aesthetic, but even being five years apart in age from her girlfriend just felt strange. Not because there was anything wrong with age differences between couples, it was just… they were so much on the same wavelength. They understood each other. People might see an age difference and think there was a disconnect between them when she knew that wasn’t the case. If anything, more often than not, it was Clarke’s ridiculous behavior that had her smiling in fond exasperation.

But still… she got it. This was supposed to be a passing identity and having a woman looking wildly younger than her documentation stated could throw up some unforeseen red flag at some point. Sighing dejectedly, Lexa begrudgingly relented. “Fine. Go with twenty-eight… but I want my birth date to be soon,” she tacked on, figuring that small amount of stubbornness wasn’t beyond reason.

“Uh huh, soon… ish,” Raven whispered the last part for only Anya to hear as she buried her face back into the papers in front of her. “Alright, so, name. Check. Age. Check. What about the place you were born? You wanna just say here?”

“No, actually make that one Clarke’s,” she said, raising her hand before either of the women could argue. “It’s for a reason,” she continued loudly, “She can tell me all about it and I can just… use that. I won’t have to make as much stuff up… I remember everything Clarke says so, it’ll be easy if anyone asks… a-about me.” She flushed lightly as the pair across from her made small gagging noises once she had finished. “Shut up, just write it.”

“So gay,” Anya hummed, smirking at Raven as she did as she was told.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

“It is kind of fitting.”

“Thank you.”

“I don’t like this,” Lexa grumbled into the paper top of her coffee, sinking further into the hard back chair in the small shop around the corner from Clarke’s work.

“What’s that?” Raven asked from her seat across the small table.

“This,” Lexa said, pointing between her traitorous best friend and the woman backing her up, “You two uniting forces to gang up on me.”

“No one’s ganging up on you, you baby,” Anya rolled her eyes.

“Right.”

“We’re not,” Raven shrugged, taking a slow sip as she looked between them. “She just happens to be correct in her evaluations.”

The scoff that left Lexa’s mouth was loud enough to have the man sitting at the next table turn to shoot them an annoyed look as he paused his phone conversation momentarily. Mouthing a silent sorry in his direction, Lexa leaned forward as she lowered her voice. “I don’t understand what about this says… ‘lesbian uniform’. It’s an outfit that I borrowed from Clarke.” She looked down at the soft blue and yellow flannel button down she’d scavenged from Clarke’s closet after deciding she’d try to catch the woman on her lunch break, throwing it over the tank she already wore and pairing it with a nicely fitting pair of black jeans from the bottom of Clarke’s dresser, finishing the look by pulling her hair up into a smooth ponytail and slipping on her own pair of black boots.

She thought she looked nice.

Right up until she had walked out of the bedroom, her friend and Raven immediately falling against each other in small a fit of giggles, gasping ‘I told you’ ‘You did, you called it’ back and forth between them.

Instead of dignifying their teasing with a response, she had all but shoved them out the door, locking it behind herself.

Unfortunately, the pair had decided they wanted to tag along for a bit since Lexa had a little time to kill, Raven saying she could only stay for a little while before she had to go into work for… something Lexa couldn’t decipher.

“Yeah but out of everything Clarke owns you managed to grab the most lesbo-centric pieces available,” Raven laughed, shaking her head lightly. “Speaking of, we gotta get you your own clothes. Not that I think you’ll choose much different, but you still should be wearing your own gay lady ensembles.”

“We’re supposed to do that this week,” Lexa said dryly, choosing to ignore the latter part. “Clarke said we’d go out sometime soon.”

“Oh I’m definitely going to that.”

“No.”

“If she’s going I’m sure as shit going,” Raven declared brightly, squirming excitedly in her seat.

“This is hell. This is my hell,” Lexa exhaled, burying her face in her hands over the top of her now lukewarm coffee.

“Perfect. So,” Raven said delightedly as she gathered her things, “I’m leaving now but I’ll hit up Clarke about plans. It’ll be great.”

“I’m sure,” she dryly, slumping back in her seat at the prospect.

“You know, I uh, I have to go too,” Anya said suddenly, moving to get up as well. “Have an appointment coming up, you know how it is, Alexandria. I’ll walk you out,” she said motioning to Raven and the door.

“Oh, okay. Thanks,” she said smiling softly. “See ya, Lexa,’ Raven said as she bent down swiftly, pulling Lexa into a one armed hug before quickly moving away toward the door. Lexa just waved slowly to the retreating woman’s back, thrown by the continued odd displays of affection. Her eyes moved back to Anya who hovered awkwardly over her for a moment.

“... Okay, bye,” she blurted abruptly, clapping Lexa on the shoulder once before turning sharply to follow the woman out of the door.

Lexa couldn’t help staring confusedly at the spot they had disappeared beyond the window to the shop, bemused and perplexed as to what exactly had just happened. Seeing Anya be nice for no obvious reason was… strange. Yes, she was kind to the people under her watch, and she was generally nice to Lexa (sometimes), but this was just unsettling.

After a few minutes of contemplating the weirdness that was Anya and Raven, Lexa glanced up at the clock on the wall, noticing that it was about the time when Clarke would be thinking about taking a break for a meal, barring any pressing emergencies or surprise cases that needed her immediate attention of course. She tossed her trash in the bin by the door as she walked out, turning her head to look down the opposite direction of the street, hoping to see if she could catch a glimpse of her friends…

And slamming directly into someone on the sidewalk.

“Oh no, I’m so sorry,” she heard as she stumbled backwards, a hand grabbing onto her arm to steady her. At the impact her head whipped around as her own hands reached out, one to the brick facade beside her and the other to the arm clutching her in return. Recovering quickly, and once her eyes focused for a moment, Lexa smiled easily as she registered who it was she had literally run into.

“Oh hello, Miss. Costia. I’m sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

“Neither was I so, no worries. Stupid phones,” she said, holding up the distractor in question. “And please, just Costia.”

“Sorry, I’m so used to it,” she laughed lightly, rolling her eyes at herself.

“It’s okay, I get it. You get used to it when you’re surrounded by kids all the time. Just the other day I told my brother I needed to ‘use the potty’,” she quipped before blushing profusely. “Aaaaand I wish I hadn’t just said that.”

“You’re fine,” Lexa smiled understandingly.

“So, I haven’t seen you around the hospital in awhile,” she said, tossing her phone softly back and forth between her hands.

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that,” Lexa sighed, “It’s just, everything’s been kind of... a lot, recently. But It’s better now so, who knows. I’ll probably be back soon.”

“That’d be great, the uh, the kids really miss you.”

Lexa smiled brightly, loving hearing that the kids enjoyed her visits as much as she did. “I miss them too. I should have some free time soon so I’ll definitely figure something out.”

“Great, I’m sure they’d enjoy seeing you again… but um, what are you doing right now?”

“I was actually heading up to the hospital. Before barreling into you, that is,” she chuckled embarrassedly.

“Oh, well, I should head back too, the kids will be up soon. Wanna walk together?”

“Sure,” she shrugged casually, motioning for the woman to lead the way.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

“So then she screams, ‘I dod it, I dod it!’, and reaches to use her hospital gown to clean it up.”

Lexa couldn’t stop the fond chuckle that bubbled up, being able to mentally see the little girl in question moving to clean up the spilled red paint with the hem of her tiny outfit, knowing the rambunctious little gem loved to be a problem solver whenever possible. Even if she could barely see over the edge of the arts and crafts table. “Tish is so adorable. I know we shouldn’t have favorites but...”

“No I know, but LaTisha is one of mine too. Secretly, of course. You just can’t say no to that little face.”

“Exactly,” Lexa agreed as they neared the nurses station on the pediatrics floor. “Well, this is my stop. But, please let the kids know I miss them. And that I’ll do my best to be around soon.”

“I definitely will,” Costia smiled softly. “Don’t be a stranger, okay?”

“I won’t, I think I’ve figured out a better version for ‘I Just Can’t Wait To Be King’ that they’ll love. It involves streamers,” she whispered with a grin.

“I’m sure they’ll love it,” she said, biting her lip for a moment. “I had a nice time today. Do you think, maybe sometime soon you’d like to get coffee… or, something?”

“Oh yeah, sure, that sounds great,” Lexa said happily. “Um, I don’t know when but I’ll let you know.”

“Next time you’re here? Maybe?” Costia said hopefully.

“Yeah, that should work.”

“Okay, sounds good,” Costia smiled softly. “I should get going but, it was really nice seeing you again. Outside of work that is.”

“You as well,” Lexa said easily. “Have a good afternoon.”

“You too.” With that, the woman waved slightly, turning to walk down the hallway leading to the playroom. Lexa smiled after her, happy that she had managed to make a friend in her first week without being awkward.

“Ma'am? Hello, ma’am, how may I help you?”

Swiveling to the charge nurse, Maggie, Lexa smiled brightly despite the woman not seeming to recognize who she was. “Yes, thank you. I’m here to see Dr. Clarke.”

“Do you have an appointment?” she asked, frowning up at her.

“Oh,” she laughed, “No. But if you would be willing to page her, I’d very much appreciate it.”

“May I tell her what this is in reference to?”

“Well, I know this sounds weird but… could you please just say a friend is here to see her? I want to surprise her,” Lexa asked, her smile pushing the physical parameters of joyous versus startling. The nurse was quiet for a few seconds before nodding in acquiescence as she turned to her complicated phone system to convey the message.

Drumming her fingers lightly against the large welcome desk, she looked down at the area usually reserved for the kids arts and crafts decorating creations. When she saw the previous glittery hand turkeys had been replaced by small versions of the green blobs obviously meant to be trees, Lexa's heart fell.

'I missed the Christmas project,' she thought dejectedly before rallying, promising herself she would not miss the New Year's art activity. While she was sad she didn't get to be the first one to hear the kids' wishes for presents and candy, she loved hearing about their hopes and plans of optimism for the year ahead.

She was so lost in her thoughts of the children she missed visiting, she didn’t hear the footsteps that approached, jumping slightly when a clipboard was set down on the counter next to her. Looking up, her good mood vanished in an instant.

“Hey, I know you right?” Bellamy said casually as he glanced at her before starting to write on the papers in front of him. “You’re Clarke’s friend.”

Rolling her eyes, Lexa nodded, quirking her brow at the term. “Girlfriend,” she clarified, “and yes, that would be me. It’s Lexa, by the way.”

“Right, right,” he laughed softly. “You guys seemed pretty snuggly the other week. I forgot about that.” She only hummed in response, turning to lean back against the surface behind her as she looked around for any sign of Clarke. “You know,” he started slowly, “it’s probably not my place to say anything, but I just think I should give you a heads up.”

“Oh?” she said drolly.

“Yeah, I mean, I know this thing with you guys is new and all, but I’ve known Clarke a long time now.”

“Is that so?”

“Yeah, we’ve gotten to be pretty good friends since she moved here.” Lexa could only smile and nod in amusement. “Anyway, I just thought I’d give you a heads up, Clarke really hates it when she’s interrupted at work.”

“She does?” Lexa frowned with a mocking look of sad confusion.

“Mhm,” he nodded gravely. “She gets really annoyed when people just drop in. Thought you might want to know.”

“Huh… so you think she’d be annoyed with me being here to take her to lunch?”

“Well if I know Clarke, probably. She likes to keep her work and… play, separate, you know?”

She took a moment, willing her jaw to unclench at his insinuation, eventually painting a small embarrassed smile across her face as she turned to lean in toward him, lowering her voice conspiratorially. “Oh wow, I had no idea. So do you think I should leave?”

“Just to play it safe,” he nodded, shooting her a sympathetic grin.

Sighing deeply, she put a hand on her hip as she leaned away from him. “Well, you do seem to know Clarke pretty well. If you really think she’d be upset, maybe I should g-”

Her words cut off as she felt strong gentle arms wrap around her waist, the scent of lavender and delicate perfume filling her senses had Lexa’s eyes drifting close. A chin settled lightly on her shoulder as the sweetest voice on earth husked softly in her ear. “Hey, hot stuff. What are you doing here?”

“I missed you,” she smiled softly, turning in Clarke’s arms before resting her arms around the woman’s shoulders. “I wanted to see if you had time to grab lunch. I need to tell you about my… really weird morning.”

“Fuc-fudge yeah,” Clarke winced before smiling sweetly at the charge nurse whose eyes had shot up at the slip. “Heck yes, I am starving. I actually just dropped a sandwich off at my office before getting paged so come on,” she said, pulling back to lace her fingers with Lexa’s as she started walking them away from the reception area.

Remembering suddenly, Lexa twisted her shoulders slightly, looking back to flash an excited toothy smile and thumbs up at a sour faced Bellamy as they rounded the corner.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

“I figured ‘fuck it, I’m gonna shoot my shot’. So I did,” Clarke chuckled softly as she finished up her half of the large sandwich they split between them. “Worked out pretty great if I say so myself,” she added smugly, taking a sip of her soda.

“So you agree,” Lexa grumped, tossing the chip she had been about to eat back into the small bag in front of her. She had pulled one of Clarke’s visitors chairs around to sit beside her as they shared their meal, discussing everything that had happened that morning with their exhausting friends. “You really think you look older than me?”

“Baby, it’s a little hard to argue that fact. I mean, I don’t think it’s… outrageous or anything. Nowhere near ‘DiCaprio’ level offensive,” Clarke joked, reaching over to pat Lexa on the shoulder consolingly.

“I barely understand what that means, but I don’t think it’s a compliment.”

“Seriously, Lex, it doesn’t matter. You look younger but are actually older than me. By a fuckton, apparently. Which is wild to think about... And I look older while acting like a perpetually horny fifteen-year-old boy. It balances the equation when you think about it.”

“Your sense of math is deeply troubling,” Lexa scowled playfully before smiling into the kiss Clarke pressed to her lips.

“Have I told you how sexy you look in my clothes though?” Clarke asked against her lips, swiftly and effectively changing the subject as she pulled back.

“You seem to be the only one who thinks so,” she sighed, taking a sip from her own beverage. “Raven and Anya said it’s… what was it… Oh. Right. The official uniform for lesbians.” She ignored the snicker Clarke valiantly tried to hide behind her hand. “They were acting so weird today anyway. I… I hate to even think this but… I think they’re becoming friends.”

“Oh god, please no,” Clarke groaned. “It’ll never end.”

“We’ll never be safe again,” Lexa smirked softly, picking up Clarke’s hand to start threading their fingers in and out of each other, stopping occasionally to massage the woman’s palm and wrist. “They actually left together, which was the weirdest part. Anya offered to ‘walk her out’. That was bizarre, don’t you think?”

“Uh, yeah,” Clarke stated like it was obvious. “I’ve only met her once but yes, that sounds random as hell for her.”

“Exactly, thank you… When I left a little after they did, I looked to see if I could still see them but they were already gone, unfortunately... Ended up running into Costia though.”

“Who?”

“Miss Costia? You know her, she works over in the play area.”

“Oh right, the younger one?”

“Yeah. Slammed right into her,” she rolled her eyes at herself. “Too busy looking for the evil twins... But it was nice, we walked back here together.”

“Yeah? Did you have a nice time?” she asked, her eyes sliding closed as Lexa found a particularly pleasant spot beneath the joint of her thumb.

“Sure, she’s always been friendly to me. We mostly talked about the kids… she did ask me if I wanted to get coffee sometime, so that was nice.”

She didn’t notice Clarke’s eyes slowly sliding right the fuck back open.

“She did what now?”

“She asked if I wanted to go for coffee sometime,” answered absently, frowning when Clarke curled her fingers up to stop her ministrations. Looking up she was surprised by the strange smile on her girlfriends face, blonde eyebrows lifted high on her forehead as her lips stretched thinly across her face.

“And um, what exactly did you say in return?” her voice came out oddly pleasant and wholeheartedly unsettling.

“I… I said sure.”

“That’s it?”

“Well, I think I said I didn’t know when I’d be free. And then she suggested next time I’m here, after I visit with the kids,” she thought back, trying to remember exactly what they had said. She had been having a nice talk with the woman and all, but, as usual, her mind had been half on Clarke and their possible lunch plans.

“... Mmmkay,” she said, clearing her throat lightly. Clarke nodded softly to herself as she sat forward, pulling Lexa’s hand up to brush a soft kiss against her knuckles before resting them in her lap. “Baby?”

“What is it?” Lexa asked worriedly.

“You? Set up a date with her,” Clarke smiled sweetly, looking deeply into grey eyes as they widen in horror.

“No I didn’t,” she said disgustedly, shaking her head rapidly.

“Yes, you did.”

“No I did not.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes, I’m afraid you did,” Clarke scrunched her nose slightly as she tilted her head to the side.

“Clarke, no. She was just, she meant it as friends.”

“Okay well, while there may be a minuscule chance that I am wrong, I’m willing to bet that, no, she didn’t. People generally ask other people out for coffee as a… kind of like a starter date. A mini date.”

“But I... I don’t think, I don’t think she thinks about me like that.”

“Lexa,” Clarke said very seriously. “You’re one of the hottest people I’ve ever seen in my life. Everyone thinks about you like that.”

“Well you’re my girlfriend, you’re supposed to think that way. Not her,” Lexa frowned, even as her heart raced at the words. It was always a thrill to know someone as gorgeous as Clarke thought she was attractive. Objectively, she knew she looked good, as it was all part of the angelic motif. A sad, but true fact about the vanity of the human race was that pretty faces tend to put people at ease. But still, knowing that Clarke thought of her as beautiful was the only thing that made her feel that euphoric glow inside.

“I’m sorry but that’s all kind of part of being human,” Clarke said gently, reaching forward to tuck a random curl that had escaped Lexa’s ponytail. “And… I mean, I get it.”

“Get what?”

“Her being interested. You’re so different now… well not, not different. You’re still you. You’re just… I don’t know. You look so bright now. So open, and free.”

“I feel free,” she said quietly, adoring eyes looking softly at Clarke as the woman shifted in her seat.

“You know… I don’t, I don’t ever want to hold you back. You know that right?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well just… talking about the age thing. And how everything’s so new for you… and then this Costia thing. It just made me think… I want you to know, if you ever changed your mind, I’d get it.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked slowly, the furrow between her brow deepening as a strong wave of terror laced nausea rolled through her stomach.

“I just mean,” Clarke tried again, “If you ever, if there was ever anything you wanted to do or places you wanted to go, it’d be okay to tell me. I’d want you to be honest with me. If you ever felt like, if you thought you might like someon-”

“Enough.”

“I’m just saying-”

“And I said that’s enough, Clarke.” She didn’t have time to ponder the forcefulness of her own tone, which at any other moment she would have been horrified with herself over. But in that moment her heart was trembling and cracking under the weight of the words being levied against it.

“Lexa, I-”

“No. I listened to you speak,” she said lowly, standing up and pulling Clarke along with her. Her hands found the woman’s waist as she crowded forward, backing her into the edge of her desk. “Now I need you to be quiet.”

As the dark words filtered into the space between them, Lexa reached down, wrapping her hands around the back of Clarke’s thighs, swiftly lifting her up onto the surface of the desk, using her forearm to push aside the remnants of their forgotten meal. She threaded the fingers of her free hand through the soft curls at the base of Clarke’s neck, pulling her forward into a bruising kiss. At the small gasp Clarke let out, apparently surprised by the intensity of Lexa’s reaction, she took the opportunity to plunge forward, immediately sliding smoothly into Clarke’s hot mouth. She felt desperate hands clutch at her, moving from her face to her chest and down, wrapping around her hips as Clarke drew her more firmly against her.

When she felt her lungs might collapse under the strain for oxygen, Lexa wrenched her mouth away, breathing deeply as she rocked her hips forward into the woman pinned against her. “I don’t ever want to hear you talk like that again. How you could even think that,” she growled quietly leaning forward to nip and pull Clarke’s swollen bottom lip into her mouth, sucking it harshly before scoring it with her teeth as she pulled back.

“How could you think I could want somebody else?” she asked, frowning almost angrily at Clarke.

“Baby, I just meant if you ever-”

“If I ever what?” she cut off. “If I ever forget that I waited my whole life to find you? If I ever forget that I gave everything up because of how much I love you? If I ever forget how it feels when you look at me… or touch me,” she said, softer now, as she laid Clarke’s hand on her chest, encouraging her to feel the depths of her words. “You think I could forget how my heart pounds every time I see you? How my skin feels on fire every time your hands are on me?” She sighed softly as she rested her head against Clarke’s, sharing each breath between them. “How wet I get just thinking about you?”

“Lexa,” Clarke exhaled, her thighs squeezing sharply around plush hips as her hands gripped reflexively at the collar of Lexa’s shirt.

“It’s true, love. I can’t help it. The way you move, the sound of your voice,” she husked as she caught the woman’s wrist, dragging it down to the button of her jeans. Fumbling quickly to undo the fastening, she pushed Clarke’s hand inside, hissing slightly as she felt the swipe of soft fingers against her. “I’m fucking soaked.”

“Jesus, baby,” Clarke panted slightly.

“Because of you. Just being near you does this to me. Nobody could do this to me but you,” she whispered hotly between long draws from Clarke’s lips, nipping and sucking them in time with glide of her fingers. “Fuck I wanna taste you,” she breathed into supple pink.

“Baby, we’re at my office,” Clarke whined softly.

“Then I guess you’re going to have to be quiet,” she said determinedly, already pulling Clarke’s hand out of her pants as she moved back a step. She guided the glistening wet fingers up to Clarke’s mouth, releasing her wrist as she moved for the tie on the waistband of the woman’s scrubs, undoing the knot quickly. “Suck on those if you need something to keep your mouth busy.”

Not waiting for a response, Lexa dropped to her knees, gently yanking the woman’s pants and underwear down over her hips, eventually managing to work the material past her thighs. She pulled both shoes and pants off, tossing them to the side carelessly before shuffling forward.

She looked up, intending to stare Clarke down as she moved in to take her first taste of the woman, but she choked slightly at the sight before her. Blown dark blue eyes were hungrily taking her in, two fingers sliding past plump lips as she cleaned Lexa’s arousal off of her fingers.

Breathing deeply as her head spun from the image above her, Lexa slid her hands around the back of Clarke’s legs, lifting each in turn to rest over her shoulders. Shuffling forward the final few inches, she latched her mouth on to the milky soft skin of Clarke’s inner thighs, licking and sucking at the creamy flesh, spending time to brand a few marks with tongue and teeth for the woman to feel later whenever she clenched her thighs at the thought of this moment.

Feeling fingers drift over her hair, coming to grip the back of her head around her ponytail, Lexa looked up to see the pleading look being directed at her. Releasing the newly purpled skin with a quiet pop, she nuzzled into the opposite thigh as she licked her lips. “Yes, love?”

“Baby,” Clarke pleaded softly, her hips lifting minutely at the warm breath against her.

“Need something?” she asked, leaning forward to kiss the soft crease of her thigh.

“You know what I need.”

“Yes, but I’m going to need to hear you say it,” she smirked. “Tell me how much you need me to take care of you. To fuck you right here on your desk.” She watched the woman’s hips jump forward at her words as the hand on the back of her head gripped harder, gently jerking her forward. She moved willingly with the silent command, satisfied by the semi-coherent muttering above her.

“Yes baby, please. Please. Your mouth.”

Not exactly what she had been looking for, but, that would do.

Fighting the slight nerves that coursed through her system, she refused the instinct to be hesitant, knowing now that it didn’t matter when or where she did this for the first time, she was going to be anxious about getting it right. Working off of what she had seen and felt Clarke do to her several times over the last few days, Lexa opened her mouth to lay a slow suckling kiss to the woman’s sex, taking extra care to drag her plump lips along the swollen, dripping folds. The taste that exploded over her tongue sent a sharp stab of arousal through her core, her stomach tightening as the flavors burst across her palette.

Pushing in closer, Lexa used her tongue to glide through the slick skin, sliding up and down to collect as much of the tangy liquid as she could find. Clarke was sweeter than she was, she noticed vaguely. Thinking to herself, at least from what she had tasted on Clarke’s tongue after they made love before, Lexa imagined Clarke was more like the sharp sweetness of salted fruit, whereas she was more an earthier spice.

It had honestly never occurred to her that people could taste differently.

Curious.

But wonderful. Because no matter the small excitement she had felt when tasting herself on the mouth of the woman she loved, it didn’t compare to Clarke’s intoxicating flavor. It made her blood run hot through her veins, her heart thrumming with knowledge that she was drinking in the very essence of Clarke’s ardor.

She opened her eyes from where they had fallen closed at the first contact, her gaze meeting an ocean of glittering black staring back at her. Leaning back on her arm while the other still held tightly to Lexa’s bound locks, Clarke’s chest heaved as her hips undulated against Lexa’s mouth.

Humming softly into the skin pressed against her, Lexa lapped lightly at the slick flesh, drawing her tongue slowly upward. When the tip of her tongue glanced across the stiff surface of Clarke’s hardened clit, the eyes watching her every move fluttered and rolled as her hand tightened painfully. Not sparing a thought to the dull ache from her hair, Lexa traced small circles around the sensitive bud, alternating between merciless flicking with the stiff point of her tongue and soft slow rolls of the broader, rough surface. Clarke seemed to enjoy any and every thing she tried, whimpering and moaning in equal measure.

Lexa reached a hand up, sliding beneath the loose material of her scrub top to push aside cotton and underwire and palm a heavy breast, rolling and pinching the nipple in rhythm with her mouth. Her mouth slid back down, drinking and suckling from the source of Clarke’s wetness. Taking a small breath in, she stiffened her tongue and pushed forward through the ring of muscles that clenched around her as she used her free hand to hold wayward hips in place. The intensity of Clarke’s flavor and scent overwhelmed her, making Lexa feel drunk as she rapidly plunged in and out of the clinging warmth.

How Lexa had lived so long without this, this feeling of total immersion in Clarke, she did not know.

She heard Clarke panting heavily above her, head thrown back as her hips tried to move in time with Lexa’s passionate assault. Eventually she felt Clarke tug lightly on her head, pulling her back and up to refocus her attention on the twitching, reddened clit as she pleaded quietly, “I need more. Fingers, please, baby. I love your fingers.”

Ignoring the heat that rose to the tips of her ears and the delightful squirming feeling in her lower stomach, Lexa immediately latched on, sucking the swollen bud as she brought her hand down and around to slide between quaking thighs, sliding two fingers through Clarke’s abundant wetness before thrusting inside. She gave only two long, slow strokes for Clarke to adjust, before quickening her pace, feeling the muscles flutter and dance around her fingers.

“Oh fuck, oh fuck,” Clarke chanted, curling forward, her eyes shut tightly as her legs started to shake. “Yes, baby, just like that. Fuck, just like that.”

Feeling the woman start to clamp down, Lexa slipped a third finger forward, pushing inside quickly to intensify the stretch for the woman, making sure to massage and stroke the special spot that always seemed to make Clarke go off like a bottle rocket.

One thrust had the woman freezing, her fingers grasping at the hair beneath her hand. Another thrust, the thighs on either side Lexa’s head squeezed tightly around her, momentarily blocking out the world beyond their tiny bubble of pleasure. A final hook of her fingers, timed to match a deep suck to her clit while her tongue wetly massaged across the swollen bud, sent Clarke sailing over the edge.

Her hips almost seemed to vibrate against Lexa’s face, sporadic hitches and grinds merged as Clarke came on Lexa’s fingers, seizing them in a vice-like grip. The flood of her hard earned orgasm spilled out, Lexa’s tongue dragging and trailing to collect as much possible while moving to pay equal attention to the still pulsing clit above. Using her new mobility as the hold of Clarke’s thighs lessened as she slumped back, releasing Lexa’s hair to catch herself from crashing against everything on her desk, Lexa shifted to clean up every drop she had missed.

Moving to stand on shaking legs, she leaned forward, capturing panting lips in her own, wanting to share the intoxicating sweetness with the woman she loved. She felt the wet heat clench weakly around her, fingers still deeply seated inside of Clarke, enjoying the feeling of their connection from such an intimate hold.

“I love the way you taste,” she said softly between kisses. “So fucking good. Wet and silky against my tongue.”

“You liked it then?” Clarke chuckled breathlessly, one hand stroking fingertips along Lexa’s jaw and neck, the other keeping them upright.

“I’ve dreamt about taking you like this. About tasting you, feeling you come on my mouth,” she inhaled sharply as she felt the clinging tightness flutter again at her words. “I never knew it would be this addicting. I’m going to be able to taste you for the rest of the day.”

“Jesus, Lex.”

“Think you have another in you?” Lexa grinned smugly, moving to kiss and nip at her neck as she lowered her palm, applying gentle pressure to the woman’s oversensitive flesh.

“No no no no no. No, baby. I’m sorry, but you can’t. We can’t,” Clarke said weakly, regretfully, as she reached to halt Lexa’s movements, gently guiding her to pull out instead and groaning at the loss. “I really fucking hate to say this but, I have to go back to work really soon... God, I hate my job.”

Lexa chuckled devilishly as she brought her newly freed hand up, whispering softly, “You love your job,” before sliding one of her fingers into her mouth.

“Not right now I don’t,” the woman argued quietly, eyes zeroed in on glistening fingers.

“Don’t worry, we’ll continue this later when you get home... If you feel up to it,” she smirked, sliding her lips obscenely down, and then back up, the length of her middle finger, releasing it with soft pop.

“I love you, but you’re going to kill me one of these days,” Clarke exhaled.

Shrugging slightly, Lexa brought the remaining finger up to Clarke’s mouth, tapping gently on her lower lip. She watched fixedly as pink lips opened to envelope her, the woman’s tongue swirling and sliding, cleaning away any evidence of their amorous activities. Removing her finger, Lexa immediately captured Clarke’s lips with her own, licking and coaxing the woman’s tongue forward so she could suck the slick from her mouth.

Tasting Clarke’s essence mixed with the earthy flavor her mouth made Lexa feel dizzy; giddy and exalted on love and lust.

Pulling back when the need to breathe compelled her, Lexa paused to gaze at the woman she adored so much. At the flush of her cheeks that extended down her neck, knowing from experience that the red splashed across her chest and breasts every time the woman orgasmed. It was a beautiful sight and, though sad she couldn’t enjoy the view in it’s entirety right now, the image of her sated and wrecked atop her own work desk was more than satisfying for the moment.

“I love you so much, Clarke. I need you to know that.”

“I do, baby,” she said quietly, reaching up to wrap her arms around Lexa’s neck. “I do. I’m sorry… I just get insecure sometimes.”

“I know, and… it's okay. Despite what my jumping you in your office might seem to convey,” she smiled shyly, only slightly embarrassed by her reaction, “it is okay. But… if you could, rather than say things that, things that make me scared myself… just talk to me. Tell me what’s making you feel insecure, and then I’ll know, and then we can figure it out. Together. Okay?”

“Okay, I will. I promise.”

“Remember what you told me? ‘Communication is sexy’,” she quoted, running her hands up and down the bare thighs bracketing her hips.

“Yes, I’m sorry. I’ll try harder. To talk to you rather than reacting.”

“You don’t need to apologize, but hearing that makes me happy because I always want us to be honest with each other. Because you’re stuck with me… as long as you want me, I’m yours.”

“Mine,” Clarke nodded slightly… before giggling quietly at the resulting frown that flashed across Lexa’s face. “Sorry.”

“Fucking Raven,” she grumbled, kneeling down to scoop up the woman’s clothes and help her redress. She stood after slipping Clarke’s second shoe back on, hands moving to straighten out the creases she had caused in the scrub’s material and failing miserably.

Oh well.

“Here, baby, let me just…” Clarke trailed off while handing her a tissue to clean her face and hand, buttoning and zipping Lexa’s pants before tipping up to reach around her head to pull the ponytail free. “I kinda fucked that all up, my bad.”

“Worth it,” she shrugged, hooking her fingers into the waistband of her pants to pull Clarke against her, slowly kissing her lips in thanks for not letting her walk out of there looking insane. Stepping back, Lexa reached up to smooth out and zhoosh her hair her a bit, hoping it helped to make her look a bit less like she had just mauled/been mauled by a bucking bisexual. “What do you think? Passable?”

Clarke just frowned deeply, shaking her head slowly from side to side. “This is fucking rude. And unfair.”

“What?”

“You. You look amazing, because of course you do. You look freshly fucked but in a glamorous way. It’s insulting.”

Chuckling softly, Lexa moved to kiss her softly, hugging her tightly as she filled her lungs with all things Clarke, wanting to carry it with her for the rest of the day. “Well if it’s any consolation,” she smirked as she pulled back to step around the corner of her desk, “You happen to look very professional right now, Dr. Griffin.”

“Oh lovely, so I don’t look like I just got railed in my office over lunch?” she asked, leaning forward on her palms while exaggeratedly batting her lashes.

“Nope.”

“I’m sure you’ll fix that later.”

“Count on it,” she smiled, bending over the desk to peck her lips softly, murmuring a quiet, “I love you,” before pulling away.

“I love you too, baby. I’ll see you tonight.”

“Okay, I’ll see you when you get home,” she said as she walked to the door.

“Hey, by the way, I’m gonna order pizza tonight, so if they buzz just let them up and sign for it, I’ll already have paid.”

“Oh nice, I’m excited.”

“For the pizza boy or…?”

“Shut it,” she laughed, rolling her eyes as she moved to step out of the office. “I love you, have a good day.”

“I love you too. Make good choices… And don’t plan any more dates with random people,” she called at the last minute, smiling as Lexa scoffed before closing the door.

Turning to walk down the hallway to leave, she made it about five steps before a tall figure rounded the corner, stopping in his tracks at the sight of her.

Inhaling deeply with a satisfied smile, she reached up to fluff a few loose curls against the side of her head, holding eye contact as she drew level with the man. Lexa never broke stride, sighing softly in Bellamy’s general direction as she sauntered past.

“I guess she didn’t mind me dropping in after all.”

Chapter Text

“Have I ever told you how adorable your ears are?”

Whining at the teasing tone in her voice, Lexa turned her head in an attempt to bury herself further into the ample chest cushioned beneath her cheek. Still slightly sticky with sweat from their early morning activities, she felt her face heat up from Clarke’s softly spoken words.

“They’re just ears, Clarke,” she murmured, her words muffled as she spoke directly into the woman’s breasts.

“They’re so tiny though,” Clarke giggled lightly as she ran a fingertip over the delicate shell, Lexa unable to stop the smile that blossomed from feeling herself bouncing along to the rhythm of her love’s beautiful amusement.

“They’re normal sized,” she argued lightly, peppering small kisses across flushed red skin.

“Mmmmm, no.” Lexa could hear the soft affection in the husky voice above her, twisting to rest her chin on Clarke’s breastbone just to confirm her suspicions as she smiled back up, falling hopelessly into a sea of blue bathed in morning sunlight. “They’re tiny, and adorable, and I should really spend more time kissing them,” Clarke said resolutely.

Lifting up onto her arms, Lexa shifted to place a slow kiss to syrupy slick lips, taking an extra moment to pay homage to the most perfect beauty mark she had ever seen, before moving to drag teeth over the dips and hollows of her neck. “I definitely wouldn’t argue with that.”

She felt the rumble of laughter vibrate across her lips as strong hands stopped the sway of her hips against Clarke’s giving body. “Baby, you know we have a long day.”

“I do know, that’s why I’m distracting you.” She mused, hearing the quiet gasp in her ear as she moved to nip the small patch of tender skin at the base of her neck, applying the delicate balance of pressing suction she knew would leave the skin reddened and tender, but having no real danger of leaving an incriminating mark.

Today was the day she had been dreading all week, the day she had fought tooth and nail to postpone, only to lose her crusade the previous evening when she was mutinously outnumbered in a highly illegal voting process that took place while she’d excused herself to the bathroom.

Not that her vote would have altered the results, but it was the principle of it all. The colluding trio of troublemakers had used their impromptu friends dinner to make a mockery of the democratic system.

“While, that feels lovely… we’re still going.”

Huffing loudly, she rolled over and off of Clarke, dramatically flopping an arm over her eyes to block out the world of injustice awaiting her. “They’re going to make this miserable, love.”

“Probably,” Clarke conceded, shifting to straddle Lexa instead. The residual slick from their morning lovemaking pressing against her made Lexa’s stomach to swoop and pull enough to peek out, eyes raking over the glorious image of tumbling messy blonde hair and heavy swaying breasts above her. “But I’ll be there to keep them in check… as much as I can,” she tacked on after a moment of contemplation. “Anyway, we’re going. I’m excited, baby. We get to buy you a bunch of nice stuff, you’re going to look so sexy and professional and laid back... and any other look you want... You’ll feel like a whole new person, I promise.”

“And here I thought you loved me just the way I am,” Lexa sighed heavily, shaking her head in feigned disappointment.

“Oh, you sweet naive lamb,” Clarke chuckled lightly, “I’m purely in this for the aesthetic.” With that, she swung her leg over Lexa’s hips to shuffle to the edge of the bed, reaching back to lightly swat her on the thigh before stretching as she stood. “Come on, hot stuff, let’s do this.”

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Lexa watched her friend grimace with wicked delight after showing her the new trick she had learned. “Human bodies are so disturbing. It sounds like you’re breaking your own neck.”

“I know right, it’s crazy. Listen to this,” she chuckled as she moved forward, pushing the flat backs of her fingers against the palm of her opposite hand, hearing the series of pops loudly crack in the small aisle they stood in. She felt a weird sense of glee at the horrified look on Anya’s face at hearing the grating noise her newly human body could produce.

“You meat bags are so gross.”

“Can we focus for a minute, children?” Raven’s voice filtered over the top of the clothing rack beside them. “We’re trying to get you a decent wardrobe going here,” she said airily as she flipped through various blouses and button downs.

“Right, sorry,” she hurried out, the two of them turning back to the row of jackets on display to their right.

“It’s not like you didn’t know people could do this before you fell, Lexa, I don’t understand the novelty other than the fact it’s obscene,” Anya said as she mindlessly sifted through the choices, her help coming in the form of holding up only the most atrocious of options in the bunch. Lexa knew having her here would be absolutely useless, her friend more interested in making Raven and Clarke laugh then actually helping her find clothes.

“No I know, but actually doing it is bizarre. Okay so, take for instance, sneezing. It looks so violent, and it is, but it’s also… weirdly satisfying? I sneezed last night for the first time and, Anya? What the hell?” she said quietly, turning to stare wide eyed at her friend. “It’s like a mini orgasm in your face.”

“Disgusting.”

“I know, but it was good. Like a tingly relief and your whole like, nose feels relaxed after. Who in the world would think something that looks and sounds so off putting could actually feel good?”

“I’m sure you spewing snot all over the place was a magical experience for everyone. What do you think about this?” Raven said flatly as she approached them from behind, holding up a white loose fitting button down made out of a sturdy soft cotton material to her chest.

“Penny jumped a foot and fell off the bed. She wouldn’t come back into the bedroom for the rest of the night.”

“Traitorous little shit,” Raven mumbled softly as she turned her head from side to side, mentally evaluating the color and shape on Lexa’s form before nodding to herself. “Yeah, I think you got the boobs to pull this off,” she decided as she turned to walk back away.

“She barely has any boobs,” Anya muttered quietly from beside her.

“That’s why she can pull it off,” Raven called back as she rounded the corner of the aisle.

“Ignore her, baby, I love your boobs,” Clarke said from behind her as she motioned for Lexa to slip her arms into a waist length black suede jacket that fit her figure like a glove. Turning her by the shoulders, Clarke’s eyes wandered up and down her body as she took in the full effect of the garment. “Hmm. What do you think, Anya?”

“I don’t really have any feelings on her boobs.”

“The jacket,” Clarke scoffed, eyes never moving from her girlfriends body.

“Oh. Yeah, it’s snazzy.”

“Do you like it, Lex?” she prodded, waiting for her affirming nod, Lexa knowing Clarke fully realized she would go with whatever she said looked good. “Good, because we’re getting it because you look so fucking hot right now. Come, with me please.” Dropping a quick peck to Lexa’s lips as she slipped off the jacket and handed it to Anya, she turned to lead them to a different section of the small store.

The two women followed behind her, moving to join Raven in front of the suits and slacks that lined the wall. It didn’t take long before Clarke had sent an arm load of pieces up to the front to be purchased, Lexa feeling the pit in her stomach grow with each item added to the pile.

“Clarke, this is the fourth store today and I already have two pairs of jeans, a pair of dress pants, three blouses and sweaters, a bunch of shorts and t-shirts… how much do I actually need? I’m never going to wear all this stuff. I... this is too much,” she quietly pleaded. Lexa had nearly choked when she saw the total at the first store, arms ladened with shirts and shorts as she argued softly with Clarke at the register that despite what she said, those numbers were not reasonable for pieces of fabric. After being gently and lovingly told to hush up, Lexa had allowed herself to be led from store to store as they gathered more and more pieces for her to wear.

It all just felt so… excessive.

“Alexandria, let the nice sugar mama buy you pretty things,” Anya smirked, glancing to her right as she received an amused, approving nod.

“Stop teaching her shit like that, Raven,” Clarke scolded as she riffled through a small line of dress pants next to a display of suits and ties.

“What’s a sugar mama?” Lexa asked quietly as she shuffled closer to Clarke, hoping (and failing) to not be heard by the annoying women behind them, hearing the small conspiratorial snickers that erupted at her question.

“I’ll tell you later, babe, ignore them,” she reminded her for what felt like the five hundredth time that day as she held up a dark grey suit, the color looking almost black depending on how the light hit it’s surface, and pressed it to the front of Lexa’s chest. “... I like this… It brings out your eyes. Rave, what do you think?” she asked.

Lexa felt the tips of her ears heat up at the low wolf whistle that sounded from beside her. “Damn, Griff. That’s hot.”

“Right?”

“Hell yeah, really hot. The power bitch, dapper-soft-butch-chic look is working.”

“It really is.”

“Like, I’m drooling.”

“Alright, calm down.”

“How serious is this relationship exactly?”

“Back away, Jolene,” Clarke said absently, holding up a burgundy tie she thought would compliment the rich tone of one of her nicer dresses perfectly.

“I’m just sayin’- jeez, careful with the goods,” she exclaimed, her voice fading as Anya unceremoniously tugged Raven away to the other side of the store.

“Why in the world would I need a suit, Clarke?” Lexa asked incredulously now that they were alone, gaping down at the material draped across her body.

Looking up, Clarke stared blankly for a moment before a wave of realization swept across her face, her eyes widening as she winced slightly. “Did I uh, forget to tell you?”

“Tell me what?” she asked slowly.

“About the um, the hospital’s Christmas party?”

Lexa froze for a long moment, the needle in her mind loudly skipping from the prospect of what her girlfriend was implying.

She had completely forgotten.

Lexa knew every year the woman’s job held an annual charity dinner around the holidays where the staff and local donors would polish themselves up for a night of talking, dancing, and glad-handing. It was just... with everything going on, it had never occurred to her that she would of course be expected to attend on Clarke’s arm.

Her head spun slightly as her stomach clenched, thinking of the myriad of new and inventive ways she could make herself, and by association, Clarke, look like complete and unmitigated dumbasses. She felt a small wave of panic take hold, ballooning in her chest with each passing scenario.

“I-I don’t know, Clarke...” she said softly, shaking her head minutely as she looked down at the fancy attire against her. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“Aw, baby, no. You have to go. I want everyone to meet you.”

“But I’m going to make you look stupid, you know that.”

“Hey... No I don’t, because you won’t,” Clarke frowned, her brow creasing deeply at Lexa’s self-deprecation.

“But I will, though, Clarke. I can barely say anything intelligible when someone asks me a question about myself. Look at how fast I fell apart with you and Raven.”

“So then we practice a little bit, but you don’t need to worry. No one is going to be grilling you there. All it will be is us showing up, drinking some mediocre champaign, bidding on a few things, eating pretentious food, and going home. Easy as that.”

“Not ‘easy as that’,” Lexa huffed, gently taking the suit jacket out of Clarke’s hands as she moved to hang it back up. “What about when someone asks me what I do for a living? Do you really think they’re not going to judge you for being with someone who has to answer, ‘Uh, nothing.’ What do you think people are going to think?”

“I don’t particularly care what the fuck they think about it,” Clarke said, her voice hardening slightly as she leaned a hand on her hip. “And I don’t know why you seem to care either.”

“Because,” Lexa stressed as though it were obvious. “Because you’re so well respected there. Because you have yourself so put together, you’re impressive Clarke. Becau-”

“Yo, how about this,” Raven piped in, holding up a short, slinky black dress as she approached from the other side of the room.

“Not now, Raven.”

“Yikes, what’d I miss?” she asked confusedly, looking between her friend and the ex-angel as they quietly squared off in the middle of the store.

“I just,” Lexa sighed, taking a moment to gather her thoughts. “I don’t want to make you look bad. And I will, I know I will... I’m not ready for something like that.”

Clarke was silent for a long stretch as she stared at Lexa without moving, the tiny flex of her jaw the only thing giving away her emotions. “I am trying to be understanding,” Clarke eventually started slowly, “Because everything is so new to you, and I hate the idea of pushing you… But this is important to me.”

“I know it is, Clarke,” she exhaled, reaching up to pinch the bridge of her nose in frustration.

“Don’t do that. Don’t treat me like I’m being a pain in your ass.”

“I’m not!” Lexa defended immediately. “I would never think about you like that. I just don’t know how to get you to understand where I’m coming from.”

“Hey guys, um, how about you two go for a walk,” Raven interjected, shoving the dress into Anya’s hands beside her as she stepped forward. “This sounds like a ‘you’ talk, not an ‘every nosy ass customer in this boutique’ talk, soooo, yeah. Go on, I got all this shit, we’ll meet you outside.”

Breathing a sigh through her nose, Clarke relented after a moment, nodding as she handed her bag off to the intervening woman. “Here. My card’s in the side pocket.”

“Uh huh, go go,” she waved dismissively, taking the bag before turning to grab Anya by the arm as they meandered away, shooting glares at the few people who had stopped to eavesdrop on the small argument.

Standing there looking guiltily at Clarke, unsure as to what to do exactly, Lexa slowly reached forward to take her hand, gratefully lacing their fingers together when she didn’t pull away. Her stomach was rolling violently with fear that she had messed this up, but wanting desperately to explain herself before this spiralled out even further. She led them out of the small shop, the tinkling chime of the bell echoing loudly in her ears as she guided them down the street. They walked silently for several moments, Lexa taking her time to gather her thoughts as she tried to let the warm rays of the sun overhead calm her.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured eventually, turning to look at Clarke by her side.

“I’m sorry too,” Clarke said immediately, looking down at her feet then back up to the street in front of them. Seeing a small inlet off to her right, she squeezed Lexa’s hand as she steered them to stand in a small pocket of shade, set back and away from the people ambling up and down the sidewalk beside them. “I guess I’m just confused… I thought you’d be excited to do something like this. I thought you wanted to go to these kinds of things with me,” she exhaled, leaning back against the exterior of the building that sandwiched them.

“I am, I do,” Lexa assured quickly, stepping closer to rest hesitant hands on soft hips. “I want to do everything with you.”

“Then why all that?” she asked, vaguely motioning in the direction they had come from.

Lexa slowly wet her lips for a moment as she tried to find the words to convey the confusing and conflicting emotions swirling inside of her. “Before, when I was on the outside looking in… I would sit and daydream about being with you. I would imagine what it would feel like to experience all of these life events with you… But in those dreams I always... like an idiot, I always saw myself already established as a person. I saw myself as someone who took care of you, and who you could be proud of.”

“Baby.”

“No, I-I know,” she said, shaking off the gentle rebuke. “I know you’re not ashamed of me. I just mean, I somehow mentally left out the whole process of me getting my life started.” She stopped for a moment before trying again from a different tack. “I’m so fucking proud of you, Clarke. You’re so good at what you do, it’s breathtaking to watch. I want to be someone you’re proud to show off to your colleagues, someone they see as worthy of you. And I just got overwhelmed, and scared. Watching you spend so much money because I can’t even get my own clothes? And then the idea of you having to explain that I contribute literally nothing to your life, it j-”

“Okay I’m gonna stop you right there, because no.”

“But I-”

“No,” she repeated, pulling Lexa in by her shirt, leaning up on her toes to kiss her words away with gentle presses of her lips. “No.” When she was sure Lexa was sufficiently distracted, she leaned back again, running her hands over her upper chest and shoulders, fingertips trailing lightly over the soft skin of her neck. “If I’m not allowed to talk shit on myself, neither are you, okay?” she dictated, moving to place a finger against the mouth readying itself to argue back. “Saying you bring nothing to my life is shitting on yourself, I don’t care how you try to frame it. Because basically what you’re saying is that you’re only as good as what you have to offer in money or crap... and baby? That’s bullshit. You wanna know what you contribute?”

Lexa only nodded, taking the finger still pressed to her lips as a cue that it wasn’t her turn to talk yet.

“You contribute you, and everything that goes along with that… You,” she stressed, “make me smile, not that other shit. You make me laugh. You make me feel beautiful, and loved and happy. I could give a shit about anything else. ‘Worthy of being with me’? I don’t even know what that means,” Clarke scoffed quietly. “You use the fact that you’re overwhelmed as a reason why I should be... what? Ashamed? That’s exactly why I’m proud of you. I’m so fucking proud of you, because you try, everyday. That’s brave, Lex, whether you get that or not.”

Clarke was quiet for a moment, chewing her lip as she considered her next words carefully. “I’m not going to force you to go,” she continued softer, moving to wrap her arms around Lexa’s shoulders, dragging gentle fingers through sun-kissed locks of gold and brown, “but know the reason I want you there is because I am proud to be with you. I’m proud of what an amazing person you are… I’m proud of myself that you feel like I deserve you, and absolutely nothing anyone ignorantly says or thinks is going to change that.”

Lexa could only stare lovingly into shimmering pools of blue as she fought back tears at the words that mended every fissure of her lightly trembling heart. Clarke was right; of course she was right. Honestly she felt kind of ridiculous now, momentarily letting pride and insecurity overshadow the very reason she had become human in the first place.

Everything was for Clarke. Yes, of course it was for her own happiness as well, but the point was to be Clarke’s partner; her other half in everything they did.

The knowledge that Clarke was proud of her, that the woman she admired and adored thought of her as brave was overwhelming in a completely different way, an excruciatingly heart-melting, foundation rattling sort of way. She felt elated and euphoric, that sensation of being able to take on the world once again swelling within, her chest feeling full to the point of bursting with gratitude and devotion.

Clarke was right. Fuck them. Fuck everyone else but her and Clarke. They had nothing to do with their relationship, with their connection and love...

“Plus, you’d definitely be the hottest person there, and you’d be hanging all over me. Do you have any idea what that’d do for my ego?”

Lexa released a watery laugh at the mischievous smirk that blossomed on Clarke’s face, a few tears escaping over the lifted bow of her lashes as a toothy smile exploded across her face. Leaning down to cup her hands around plush thighs, Lexa rejoiced in the sound of startled laughter as she lifted, feeling legs wrap around her hips as she pressed back into the wall behind them. Smiling up at her, enjoying the weight of the woman in her arms, Lexa moved to cup her cheek, while the other helped her hips support Clarke’s backside. “No one will ever love anyone the way I love you,” she declared quietly.

“I don’t know about that,” Clarke hummed, “I might give you a run for your money.”

“Doubtful,” she smiled, leaning forward to place soft kisses along the slope and bend of her jaw. “But you’re welcome to try.” Before Clarke could manage to express whatever witty comeback Lexa was sure sat poised on the tip of her tongue, she moved to capture pink lips, kissing her deeply and gratefully as she let herself be swept away in emotion, thankful for the love, loyalty, and guidance from the woman in her arms.

Whatever the question, whatever her doubt, Clarke was the answer, and she really needed to start remembering that.

So immersed in the moment, so attuned to the taste and shape of Clarke pinned flush against her, it took her several seconds to register the sound of… clapping?

Breaking away from the kiss simultaneously, they turned their heads, looking back out to the sidewalk. There, in all her patronizing glory, stood Raven, shopping bags littering the ground around her as she slowly clapped, taking the time to swipe away imaginary tears every few seconds. “That’s so beautiful you guys. Lesbian Love in Los Angeles… I want that on a t-shirt,” she said through faux sniffles.

Groaning loudly, Lexa shot her own grinning friend a look of deep disdain as she gently set her girlfriend back down before straightening up to adjust her shirt indignantly.

“I’m bisexual, bitch,” Clarke sniped, rolling her eyes as she walked over to snatch up several of the bags from the ground, ignoring the immediate delighted echo of ‘It’s Britney, bitch’ from Raven. “Jesus, how are there so many more bags? We had like six things picked out?”

“I took some liberties at the register. It’s fine, you’ll like them.”

“What?” Lexa asked confusedly as she joined them, slipping the majority of the bags off of Clarke’s arm onto her own.

“We spent all morning shopping for you, I’ll remember your size until my fucking death bed at this point. I grabbed some extra stuff, it’s fine.”

“Raven.”

“Fuck off. Anyway, I’m hungry. Where should we go? Someplace close ‘cause my ass ain’t driving just to get food.”

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

“I’ll never understand this city.”

“What?” Raven asked around a mouthful of food, a stray bit of sauce coating the edge of her lips before she licked it away. Lexa, cheeks bulging in a similar state of masticating joy, cocked her head at her best friend’s statement while she worked her way through her third taco.

“It’s just weird,” Anya specified, absently handing a napkin to the woman beside her before folding her arms on the empty stretch of table in front of her. “You have these fancy clothing and jewelry shops a block away from a garishly decorated taco restaurant that sits across the street from an adult store that’s next to a surf shop. It’s pure chaos.”

“Oh, yeah,” Raven agreed, nodding as she swallowed her mouthful and wiped her face. “It’s funky as fuck, but that’s why I like it. Like, once I saw a homeless chick trying to plant marigolds in an old cigarette ash bin. Trying to make the world look a little prettier but getting it all fucked up. I think that was the perfect metaphor for this place.”

Lexa watched the small smile slowly creep across her friend’s face as she watched the woman beside her speak, randomly glancing at Clarke to see if she was noticing this too. She wasn’t exactly sure what she was looking at, having never seen the peculiar look on her friend’s face, but knowing something was off about the whole thing. So caught up in her thoughts, the sound of Raven’s phone ringing startled her enough to jump.

“Sorry, sound’s still up from earlier,” Raven apologized for the volume as she boredly answered the call.

“You know, we should really get you one of those,” she heard from her right, turning to look at the woman shifting in toward her.

“One what?” she asked, leaning in as well.

“A phone. It sucks not being able to get ahold of you when I’m at work.”

“That can wait until I get a job, Clarke, we don’t need to worry about that now.”

“Okay, but that’s actually part of the reason to get you one. It’s practically impossible to get a job without a phone. They have to be able to call you and email you for interviews and stuff.” Lexa took a moment to weigh the statement in her mind, seeing some merit to her words. “Besides, I wanna be able to send you dirty texts when I’m gone,” she smiled, darting forward to drop a chaste kiss on her lips with a self-satisfied grin.

“You’re terrible,” Lexa grumbled, rolling her eyes and kissing her again.

“And you’re both nauseating,” Raven’s voice sliced through their bubble. “Anyway, that was work. Dumbass Derek fucked up the paperwork for this new project and now everyone’s acting like they have no idea how a goddamn computer functions. I swear to god,” she exhaled, turning to look at Anya directly, “you delegate to morons and leave instructions a child could follow, and yet…” she said, flipping a hand exasperatedly before turning back to the pair across the table. “Well, as fun as it’s been getting jarring glimpses into your sex life-”

“Fuck you.”

“-I have to go in. You’re good getting an uber?” Accepting Clarke’s nod, she gathered her things from beneath the table. “Perfect,” trilling the ‘R’ for dramatic flare as she stood.

“I guess I’ll pick up the tab?” Clarke teased.

“Oh my god, thank you,” Raven gasped with a smile, clutching a hand to her chest. “You’re so kind. I can’t believe it.” She darted around the table to smack a loud kiss to her friend’s cheek and throw a one armed hug around Lexa’s shoulders before pulling back. “Alright, you crazy kids have fun. Be free, the world is your oyster, maybe you can go 'swing' through that sex shop while you-”

“Goodbye, Raven,” Clarke asserted, drowning out the rest of her words.

Lexa noticed the grimace that crossed her friends face as she shot up out of her chair, the legs scraping loudly against the tiled floor beneath them causing a sharp screech to rip through the mostly deserted restaurant. “Oh uh-uh, no. Hold on, I’m leaving too, bye.”

“Nice,” Raven beamed, “you want a ride or something?”

“I can go anywhere in the world I want, Raven,” she smirked at the woman beside her as they strode toward the door, holding it open as she paused for a second in front of her.

“... Oh, right. Duh. Whatever, come on,” she said tugging the sleeve of Anya’s long black coat as they disappeared from sight.

Lexa stared at the door for several long moments, mulling over everything she had witnessed that morning. It was nice seeing her friend seem so laid back around Clarke and Raven, grateful that she seemed to be integrating rather seamlessly into her new life. It was just odd, bizarre almost, to see her being so open and friendly with someone other than herself (not that she was usually all that friendly to Lexa). Of course there was Barbara, but even that she chalked up to Anya finding more pleasure in their light-hearted banter rather than actual friendship.

“They’re being strange, don’t you think? I mean, considering they barely know each other, they’re kind of… chummy, don’t you think?” she questioned, turning to look at her girlfriend. Lexa frowned slightly, seeing the soft look on the woman’s face, her eyes twinkling brightly as her lips stretched back in a gentle pitying smile. “What?”

Clarke simply inhaled then sighed, reaching forward to lightly cup her jaw as she ran a gentle thumb over the apple of her cheek. “I love you.”

“I lov-what does that… what?” she frowned deeper, the non-sequitur catching her off guard.

“You’ll figure it out eventually, baby. Anyway, I’m gonna order us an uber so we can go home, I think we’re pretty set for now. Will you gather all this stuff while I go pay?” Nodding slowly despite her bewilderment, Lexa agreed, accepting the kiss to her cheek as Clarke stood from her seat. “Okay, I’ll meet you outside.”

Still turning the words over and over in her head, Lexa lugged the seemingly massive collection of bags onto her arms and made her way outside, only struggling for a moment with the door before managing to maneuver everything out without injury.

She stood on the sidewalk as she waited, back leaning against the warm white painted facade of the small restaurant, looking up and down the street at the small shopping area they were in. She had to admit that Anya had a point. The entire street looked like capitalistic controlled chaos.

The shops and stores dotted along the roadway ranged from a hair accessory store to a decidedly quaint looking pharmacy, a decently sized bookstore sat on the corner, large enough to take up an entire quarter of the block. The surf shop looked intriguing, the bright colors and fit, sweater clad bodies filtering in and out of the propped open doorway had Lexa thinking about the possibility of her perhaps looking into the hobby, wondering if she would even be able to stand on a board correctly on land, much less balance on one in moving water.

As she mused over her thoughts, her eyes continued to drift along the street taking in the various signage and exteriors surrounding her… before falling on a specific shop in particular. She felt her cheeks heat up as she took in the large front window’s mannequins, her eyes surreptitiously from side to side as though she were afraid to be caught staring at the lingerie on display.

She knew she wasn’t doing anything wrong, she was an adult in a relationship with an exceedingly active sex life… but still. Just the thought of someone on the sidewalk noticing where the majority of her attention was now focused had her face flaming brighter by the second.

But she couldn’t not look.

Because the moment her eyes landed on the deep blue corset, trimmed and lined with black lace and small strips of fabric reaching down to skin-tight sheer black stockings, a throbbing ache lanced through her core, Lexa's thighs squeezing together on instinct at the mental picture that sprung to mind. With no difficulty at all, she could see the small clips of the royal blue bodice struggling against creamy overflowing flesh, long blonde hair (sans the santa hat… maybe) tumbling down and over a lightly freckled shoulder, the tips swaying back and forth across the satiny material as a certain someone leaned down to kiss her, plush trembling thighs tightening around her as her fingers curled insi-

“Having fun?”

The words whispered directly next to her ear startled her to within an inch of her life, yelping loudly as she jumped a foot, hands darting here and there to grab the handles of the bags before they could completely slip out of her grip.

“Oh god, baby, I’m sorry,” Clarke genuinely apologized through poorly concealed chuckles as she moved to steady the woman, grabbing a few of the more precarious bags in her hold. “I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you like that. Are you okay?”

Swallowing harshly a few times, Lexa nodded like an idiot as she tried to calm her racing pulse. “I’m good,” she squeaked, “I’m fine. Mind was just, somewhere else.”

“Oh I know exactly where your mind was,” Clarke smirked, quirking an eyebrow at the woman in front of her. “I could see the drool through the window.”

“What? No. I- no,” she shrugged off… before tucking her lips into her mouth just to make sure, internally sighing in relief when she, predictably, found no drool and only that her girlfriend was just a shit.

“Yyyyeah, okay. Well, as much as you weren’t looking at that porn shop like it was your last meal, if you had just so happened to want to go in there, unfortunately we can’t today.”

“Why? I mean, not that that’s what I was doing, because I wasn’t... But um, for argument’s sake, why?” she asked completely nonchalantly.

“Because they check ID’s,” Clarke said ruefully, leaning on the wall beside Lexa as she ran a consoling hand over her toned stomach. “Another time, though, for sure. After Raven’s all finished up… we could go. If you wanted to that is.”

Lexa took a second to fight off the burning feeling in her ears, trying not to sound too enthusiastic at the idea. “Yeah, I-If that’s something you want to do… I’d be up for it.”

“Sure, I think it’d be fun,” Clarke nodded easily, looking down as she started to mess around on her phone. They were both quiet for a few seconds, Lexa breathing slowly as she wrestled her slight embarrassment back into check, before Clarke spoke again. “I mean… we don’t have to wait for that place if toys is something you’re interested in,” she continued casually, eyes staying glued to her phone.

“What do you mean?” she asked, her head whipping around to stare perplexed and a little horrified at the blonde avoiding her gaze.

“Exactly what I said.”

“But I don’t know what you mean,” she asked quietly, shuffling in closer as though if she talked above a low murmur, one of the zero people around them would overhear their illicit conversation.

“It’s nothing,” Clarke shrugged softly as she finally looked up, chewing her lip for a moment. “I… may have some things that could be fun. If you wanted to try them, that is.”

“Clarke, I have to be honest. I don’t know that much about this stuff, so I’m going to need you to be less vague here,” she encouraged, not fully getting what the woman was trying to say, but if it had anything to do with something in that store, she was listening very… very closely.

“Shit, of course, I’m sorry,” Clarke shook her head at herself. “I wasn’t thinking. Okay well… not to sound like a total hoe,” she rolled her eyes, waving a hand airily at the disapproving look Lexa leveled at her, “or overeager, whatever. But, I may have… bought a few things… when we first started dating,” she finished, her words trailing off to the point they barely reached Lexa’s ears.

But hear them she did.

She mouth dropped open minutely as she sucked in a soft breath, her stomach flipping pleasantly as the ache below reignited with a vengeance. “You, you got things? For us to use, together? Like a... like a... dildo?” she croaked lowly, her ears burning red at the word as she pushed off the wall behind to circle and stand in front of Clarke, her eyes darkening, mind racing when she saw her girlfriends small nod. “When we first started dating? W-When?”

“After our first date,” Clarke sheepishly admitted, a faint blush creeping up her neck as she rushed on. “I know it sounds crazy, and I wasn’t going to pressure or anything. I just… I was so fucking into you, Lex,” she admitted, releasing a breathy laugh. “I knew you wanted to take things slow but I was not going to take any chances if you changed your mind.”

Lexa listened to her words, her heart hammering loudly in her ears as the words settled into her chest (and decidedly less innocent places), warmth filling her every time she heard Clarke confirm that she had cared about her and wanted her from her the start as well. “Don’t worry, I’m not judging you, I wanted it too. I’ve always wanted you,” she assured, licking her lips in thought. “What you got though, was it- is it for… for you or for…?”

“Whatever you want,” she answered, settling her hands Lexa’s hips as the woman unconsciously continued to slowly crowd her, Clarke not seeming to mind the move one bit. “If you’re not comfortable with me using it, you can wear it. But if you want… of course I’d really like to take you that way too.”

As soon as the words tumbled from her lips Lexa surged forward, swallowing the sudden gasp that tried to escape as she eliminated all space between them. She pressed her hips forward, lamenting the fact that her arms were occupied with the bags rather than wrapped around . Unable to stop the fevency of her reaction, Lexa knew this was a kiss that should be kept within the confines of their bedroom, but hearing those words, the mental images they inspired had her mouth moving wickedly, teeth and tongue consuming Clarke in an unapologetically filthy kiss.

When the need for air overwhelmed her, Lexa pulled way to stare hungrily down at Clarke, feeling strangely powerful and so unbelievably turned on as she took in the dazed look in hazy blue eyes.

“Where the fuck is that uber?”

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

“Let me get the door open, love,” she begged, pausing her fumbling with the lock to turn her head and catch the wandering lips that had been trailing up her throat despite her words. She felt a steadying hand cover her own, managing to guide the key in place and turn the lock before the mouth detached from her own, hands gently pushing her hips to urge her into the now open apartment.

Slamming the door behind her, Clarke rounded on Lexa, moving toward her, her eyes flat and unwavering as she stalked predatorily forward. “Did you really have to make that so unbearable,” she growled softly, advancing equally for every teasing step back Lexa took, trying and failing to close the distance that separated them.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Lexa smirked, dragging the sweater and undershirt she wore over her head as she blindly walked backwards, knowing she had a straight shot to the bedroom behind her. Feeling her nipples tighten further at the rapid temperature change, she tossed the clothes carelessly over the back of the couch as she passed, an exhilarating thrill shooting through her brain as she watched Clarke closing in on her. “I was perfectly well behaved.”

“Whispering to me about how wet you are is not behaving,” Clarke stated, her eyes zeroed in on the long, lithe fingers undoing the button and zip of borrowed jeans.

Lexa could only smile devilishly as she crossed over the threshold to their room, hooking her thumbs tauntingly under the waistband of the tight pants as she stopped in front of the bed. “I just thought you’d appreciate an update,” she said innocently.

Any other words she planned to say were lost in a laugh as Clarke unceremoniously placed a hand on her chest and softly pushed, causing her to tumble back onto the bed behind her. Bouncing slightly through her giggles, she leaned up on her elbows and raised her hips as Clarke dragged the material slowly down her legs, removing them and her shoes in a few not-so-fluid tugs, dark glittering eyes looking up at her during the entire process. She felt the air seize in her lungs, thighs opening wide as Clarke leaned forward to drag her tongue in a long agonizing lick along her slip… before pulling back to stand up.

She wasn’t proud of the needy sound that came out of her mouth, but that was cruel.

“Serves you right,” Clarke smiled smugly, lifting her own shirt up and over her head. Before she could react, Lexa sat up, reaching forward to pull her closer by the waist of the flatteringly fitted dark leggings the woman wore. Kissing along the expanse of soft skin in front of her, Lexa worked the garment down over thighs and calves, helping Clarke maneuver out of her pants and shoes. As she moved to grab the mouth wateringly damp lace that sat on her hips, Clarke caught her wrists in a loose grip, instead bringing them up to rest just above her stomach. “Before we do anything else, I just want to check in… I want to make sure you’re really okay with everything.”

“If you’re talking about the dildo, then very much yes, I am,” Lexa assured quickly, trying and failing to move her hands to more enticing expanses of skin.

“No, hey. Stop for a second,” she said quietly, holding still until Lexa truly focused on her to listen. “I’m serious right now... I want this to be fun, and romantic. And that won’t happen if at any point you’re not having a good time or are uncomfortable. So if I do anything you don’t like, tell me. Immediately.”

“I will.”

“If something doesn’t feel good, tell me and I’ll stop.”

“I will, love, I promise.”

“If there’s anything you don’t want to do-”

“Clarke,” she interrupted softly sliding her hand up to rest over the racing heart beating beneath the woman’s breast. “I love you. I trust you, everything will be okay.”

“I know, baby... I just want to be sure. Sex like this is different. It’s going to feel different for you... and, I mean, obviously, I can’t feel you like I can with my fingers, so I have to rely on you a little bit to tell me some things... I love you, I want this to be wonderful for you.”

Melting inside at the words, Lexa valiantly swallowed her urge to dissolve into melodramatic tears of adoration as she looked up at the woman she loved, she could only nod silently at her request. Leaning forward to place a kiss on one, then two delicate hip bones in front of her, she lightly nipped and sucked at the tender skin, nuzzling softly as she spoke. “I promise, baby. I want you to make love to me like this… to fuck me like this. I’m not worried, because it’s you. You always make me feel amazing, but I promise I’ll tell you if anything feels wrong.”

“Thank you,” she heard from above her, feeling strong hands cup the side her face, moving her to look up as Clarke bent down to kiss her, her lips soft and supple against her own. “I love you,” Lexa felt whispered against her, feeling herself being slowly guided back onto the bed, moving up until she was comfortably resting on the pillows. “Wait here for a minute… I have to get everything ready… but it’ll only take a sec,” Clarke said between long draws from her lips before pulling back, checking to make sure Lexa was okay before rolling off the bed to riffle through her bedside bottom drawer.

Despite it being mid afternoon and the sun still shone brightly through the opened blinds of the window, Lexa rolled onto her side to grab the lighter on her own side table, reaching to light the few candles she now kept there. She was starting to associate the smell of them with being intimate with Clarke, not sure if that was a good or bad thing considering this same scent was peppered throughout the entire apartment.

On paper it sounded good, but the thought of being flooded with arousal while they had guests over was just… icky.

“Don’t laugh when you see this,” she heard, her girlfriend’s muffled voice coming through the door of the bathroom where she had disappeared a few moments before. “It’ll severely bruise my ego.”

“Of course not, love,” she called back, unconsciously running her hand across the expanse of her stomach, trying to ease the ache that hung low in her hips. “You always look sexy to me, you know that.”

“Yeah well, you haven’t seen me with a brightly colored dick strapped to my waist, so- ouch, shit. I’m okay!” Lexa laughed as she heard quiet shuffling from the other room, soft tinkling of... what, she wasn’t exactly sure, but the sound sent a throb through her body nonetheless. “Okay,” she heard as the door to the bathroom swung open. “What do ya think?”

Lexa rolled over, leaning her head on her palm as she watched Clarke round the corner, her eyes looking at the beautiful face she fell in love with before anything else. Slowly sweeping down curves and soft bends of flesh broken by delicious dips of muscle, her eyes finally settled on the black harness fastened securely around full hips, her mouth going dry as she took in the sight before her.

Gone were the small, neat curls of dark blonde and pink folds, replaced instead by soft looking leather. Clarke shuffled forward, talking about something, Lexa’s brain apparently only able to focus on the slightly bobbing toy between her legs.

“It’s purple,” she blurted dumbly, eyes never leaving the bright silicone appendage. “It’s… purple tie-dye.”

“Oh,” Clarke chuckled lightly, bending slightly to look down and then back, grinning sheepishly at Lexa. “I would love to say it was some romantic thought out thing but honestly, I just thought it was pretty.”

Noticing the nervous twist of her girlfriends fingers, Lexa rose up on to her knees, moving to kneel on the bed in front of her. “It is pretty... It looks sexy on you too,” she added heavily, trying to find the words to describe how she felt looking at the toy. Her voice sounded dark in her ears as she threaded her fingers into the base of Clarke’s hair, massaging and pulling the way she knew the woman liked. “It doesn’t feel- I was a little afraid it would feel intimidating, but this is perfect.”

“Yeah? It’s okay?”

“Yeah,” she breathed, looking down between them. “It- it looks... big.”

“I know, I worried about that. But I measured it, and honestly, I don’t think it could be much longer than your fingers. And it’s pretty much as wide as three of mine, which we both know you enjoy,” she chuckled nervously, reaching up to tuck back a piece of her own hair, “so I think it should be fine. But like I said, if it doesn’t feel good or you don’t like it just tell me. I would never want to push you or make you feel like you need to do something you don-”

“Clarke,” Lexa interrupted, slipping her arms around her waist to draw her forward, feeling that same exhilaration that always filled her when they held each other, trying to stop the ramble that was rapidly spiraling out of control. “Stop treating me like I’m going to break. Please,” she added, hoping the soft kisses she pressed to pliant lips cushioned her words before pulling back to leer at the woman before her. “I really want you to fuck me like this, okay? I’m a big girl, I can take it,” she finished with an impish smile.

“... Fuck, I love you.”

Before she could respond to whispered growl, insistent lips pressed into her as steady urging hands found purchase on her ribs, moving her to lay back down on the bed. She felt Clarke settle above her, her slick tongue licking expertly within her mouth, the rapidly warming bit of plastic flush against her belly the only thing separating them had her thighs falling open in mindless supplication. Soft fingers ran up and down her sides, across her chest as nimble fingertips pinched and massaged her nipples into aching points, Lexa feeling as though her body was collapsing in on itself with want.

Her hips canted softly against the gentle assault, hollowly clenching as Clarke kissed down her chest. Already painfully wet from the build up to this moment, Lexa felt herself dripping, the slick heat sliding and spreading with every roll of her body. She could hear the needy sounds escaping her mouth, the breathy gasps turning into low whines as she grew desperate for more.

“Clarke,” she begged softly, reaching up to run a hand over blonde strands as the hot mouth worked and sucked her breasts.

Lexa’s eyes slammed shut as a moan erupted from her mouth, feeling fingers glide over her skin, across her stomach and down to slide through her folds. Long drags spread her wetness upward, slow teasing circles massaged over her clit sent her hips bucking into the touch. So lost in the sensation, writhing at the pleasure being wrung from her body, she keened quietly as she felt the hand shift back down, two fingers smoothly slipping inside, her body hungrily welcoming the small familiar stretch.

Clarke worked slowly within her, gently thrusting and curling and scissoring her fingers every few strokes. The pressure started to build low her stomach, the coil tightening with every move. She felt herself nearing the edge, her mind clouded as she chased the earth shattering orgasm within her grasp… only to groan loudly as Clarke gently withdrew, her head shooting up to level a wide eyed look of betrayal at her girlfriend.

Glittering blue looked back at her, a small smile on her face as she moved up to place an apologetic kiss to her lips. “Don’t worry, baby, I’m going to take such good care of you,” she whispered as she pulled back. Leaning up and over, she pulled open the top drawer of her bedside table, coming back with a small bottle as she lifted up onto her knees. “I’m gonna use some lube,” she explained to a confused looking Lexa, squirting a decent sized amount into her palm.

“But I’m so wet,” Lexa smirked, lifting her hips playfully.

“Believe me, I know,” Clarke indulged as she carefully set down the bottle, “but I’m still not taking any chances.” Lexa’s eyes ignited in hunger as she watched delicate yet strong fingers wrap around the shaft that jutted from the harness, sliding back and forth to liberally coat from base to tip.

Without a second thought she reached forward, smoothly slipping beneath Clarke and pushing her hand away as she grasped the slick toy. She bit her lip, feeling herself clench round nothing as she watched her own hand glide along the modest length, smiling when she noticed plush hips starting to slowly rock forward into her palm. “You like that?” she asked quietly, looking up through lowered lashes as she firmed her grip.

“Yeah,” Clarke nodded, “The base sits right on my clit so when you move, I feel it.”

“Oh wow,” she exhaled, looking back down at the silicon in her hand. “So you can come too?”

“In a perfect world,” Clarke grinned, gently grabbing her wrist to stop her movements. “It doesn’t matter though, right now I want to make you feel good… Here, baby, lay back.”

Lexa let herself be guided back against the pillows, the ache in her thighs spiking as Clarke followed her down, shifting her hips lower as she laid the length of the toy against slick folds. She moaned into Clarke’s mouth, feeling it slip through her, the slightly flared tip bumping against her reddened bud that twitched in need of attention.

A few slow passes set her nerve endings on fire, feeling herself growing desperate as she wrenched her lips away. “Please, love, I need you.”

Her chest heaved as she watched Clarke lean up on her forearm to reach down between them, steadying the toy as she shifted her hips back, slowly dragging the tip down to brush against Lexa’s entrance. “Shh, baby. Try to relax your body,” Clarke said quietly when Lexa tensed, eyes moving between her own as she pushed minutely, letting Lexa adjust gradually to the pressure. Lexa took several slow deep breaths, focusing on Clarke’s soothing voice to center herself. At her nod, Clarke moved forward again, Lexa feeling her start to push inside. She hissed slightly at the foreign feeling. The silicone, while gentle and giving, a far cry from the usual warmth of Clarke’s fingers. “Are you okay? Do you want me to stop?”

“No no, I’m fine,” she assured, opening her eyes from where they had clamped shut. “It’s just different, I didn’t realize it would feel so different than you do, that’s all... Just go slow.”

“Okay, if you’re sure… if you don’t like it though, tell me.”

“I will,” she nodded quickly, running her hands up and down Clarke’s back soothingly. The pressure returned as Clarke worked forward, the shaft beginning to slide inside. She felt full, fuller than she ever had before. There was a brief moment of doubt, a small flash of panic that she wouldn’t be able to handle the length, but right as Lexa considered telling Clarke to stop, she felt the soft leather of the harness settle against her, her eyes flying open to look down at the image of Clarke’s hips pressing flush with her own.

She felt the air punch out of her lungs at the sight, moaning quietly as Clarke leaned down to gently kiss and nip at her neck. “Still okay?”

“Yeah," Lexa breathed, letting her head roll back to look up at her with hazy frosted blue eyes. “Fuck... it feels so big.”

“Painful big?”

“No, just full. But it’s okay.”

“... Okay. If it starts to hurt, tell me. I’m going to start moving, just relax and breathe.” At her nod, Lexa felt Clarke pull her hips back slightly, the toy sliding out an inch before pushing back inside.

Lip firmly tucked between her teeth, Lexa spread her legs a little wider at the feeling of Clarke slowly thrusting into her, each drag and pull against her slippery walls feeling better than the last. She slowly relaxed into the movements, the foreignness of the feeling blossoming into pleasure every time Clarke’s hips met her own.

“Can you go a little faster?” she asked after a few minutes, the tightness in her stomach demanding a firmer touch for relief.

“You sure?” Clarke checked, her raspy voice sounding delicious in Lexa’s ear as gentle teeth scraped across the lobe.

“Yes, yes, please... I need to come. And I, I need you to go faster... Harder.”

Clarke kissed her deeply as she shifted above her, moving to rise up on both elbows as she adjusted her knees on the bed. When they broke for air Clarke gave Lexa only a moment to focus before thrusting again, her hips picking up pace with every push.

Lexa groaned loudly, her eyes rolling slightly with every stroke, loving the solid sound of Clarke’s body quietly slapping into her every time she bottomed out. Looking down, she saw her hips rising to meet her thrust for thrust. Her pussy clenched tightly as her hips faltered, a wave of aroused pleasure washing over her as she watched the toy sinking inside of her swollen lips.

“Fuck, oh my god,” she panted, her hands moving to grab and grip her girlfriend’s rhythmically clenching ass.

“You’re doing so well, baby. Does this feel good?” Clarke asked, her words sounding strained and heavy between soft grunts.

“Good, so good. Fuck, Clarke. I love you... feeling you.”

“You’re taking me so well… I can almost feel you squeezing me.”

“Oh my god,” she gasped, her head lolling back on the pillows, fingers rising to grip sturdy, flexing shoulders as she felt Clarke speed up a little more. “Oh god, I’m so fucking close.”

She knew she would need to apologize later for the way her nails were digging in, marring Clarke’s beautiful skin, but at the moment the force of her grip was beyond Lexa’s control. Her skin felt on fire as the throbbing rapidly surged in her core, feeling herself sway and drag against the mattress to the rhythm of Clarke’s hips, powerless against the woman fucking her in earnest.

“You’re so beautiful. You look so sexy like this, baby, I could come just from watching you get off,” Clarke panted above her.

Whimpering loudly at the words, Lexa’s hand shot down, two fingers furiously rubbing her own slippery clit as she tumbled over the edge.

Her hips lifted forward, frozen and trembling as her body shook with the intensity of her orgasm, feeling herself clamp down as Clarke continued to thrust inside. Pleasure exploded outward from her core, racing up her spine and down through her legs as her toes curled and thighs trembled around driving hips. After a few suspended seconds, seconds that seemed to stretch on forever, Lexa finally collapsed back onto the bed, her fingers slowing in time with the languid undulations of her body. She realized at some point Clarke’s punishing pace had slowed, the woman’s lazy strokes now only serving to draw out the residual pulses between her legs.

Dropping her hand away as she started to feel overly sensitive, Lexa blindly rested wet fingers against the side of Clarke’s waist, groaning gratefully when the woman understood, stopping her movements before slowly pulling out. She felt the warm familiar weight of her girlfriend settle on top of her, their sweat slick bodies sliding comfortingly together as they panted into the thick air around them. Lexa raised a still trembling hand to rake through damp blonde curls, reveling in the small hot bursts of breath across her skin from where Clarke had tucked her head beneath her chin.

“Fuck… I came so fucking hard,” she sighed when her breathing started to settle, working to inhale through her nose and exhale through her mouth for a few moments to calm herself.

“You did, it looked amazing,” Clarke said, Lexa able to hear the soft smile through her words. “How are you feeling?”

“Incredible… I won’t be able to walk for a week,” Lexa hummed quietly, her thighs squeezing softly around the woman cradled between her legs.

Chuckling along with her, Clarke lifted slightly to look up at her, Lexa thinking the small ring of blue surrounding wide blown pupils looked ethereal in the waning afternoon sun that filtered through the window. “Dramatic, but you should be okay… well, maybe a little sore,” she tacked on, the soft apology clear in her tone. “But I mean, you did ask for faster.”

“Oh no, you misunderstand me,” Lexa smirked, trailing her hands down to squeeze the fleshy globes of Clarke’s ass again. “I meant that as a thank you. I can barely feel my own legs I came so hard.”

“Jesus, baby,” Clarke breathed, dropping her forehead to rest against Lexa’s breast bone as she gently rocked into the woman beneath her.

“What is it, love?” she asked quietly, gently coaxing Clarke to look back up. “Are you okay?... Did you not get to come?”

“I did, when you pushed up into me... but fuck. When you talk like that it drives me crazy.”

“Yeah?” she grinned, biting her lip as her eyes darkened with that renewed knowledge.

“Yes,” she confirmed softly, leaning forward to slowly kiss the amusement from her lips. “You know what your filthy mouth does to me, don’t pretend you don’t.”

“You always get so wet for me,” Lexa whispered absently as she ran her hands up and down her back. “I love telling you all the things I want to do to you.”

“Oh? What do you want to do to me right now?” Clarke asked, teasingly nipping at the sharp curve of her jaw. Grabbing handfuls of Clarke’s ass, Lexa shifted abruptly to flip them over, surprising Clarke as she pinned delicate hands above her head.

“I think I want you to show me how to put this fancy harness thing on.”