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Golden Deer but it's a modern college AU group chat

Chapter Text

Claude von Riegan added 7 people, including Hilda Valentine Goneril, Leonie Pinelli, and 5 others to the group chat.

Claude von Riegan changed their name to Lord Prankster

Lord Prankster: sup dumbasses

Lorenz Hellman Gloucester: Claude, what is the meaning of this?

Hilda Valentine Goneril changed their name to beauty queen

Ignatz Victor changed their name to modern nolde

beauty queen: we cant be the only 1s online rn can we

modern nolde: hilda raph and leonie are working out rn

modern nolde: the real question is where’s lysithea and mary

Lord Prankster: don’t worry bout them I saw lysithea studying at the library

modern nolde: and mary?

Lord Prankster: probably being badgered by professor hanneman again

beauty queen: what does he even want from her???? it’s kinda creepy tbh

Lorenz Hellman Gloucester: I heard he asks her questions about something she doesn’t like talking about. It is a shame that he can’t seem to understand that she wishes not to discuss it

Lorenz Hellman Gloucester: Onto a different topic, why are all of you using such strange names? Would it not be easier to identify one another should we keep our normal names?

beauty queen: omg Lorenz tell me this isn’t ur 1st group chat

Lorenz Hellman Gloucester: Of course not.

beauty queen: thank god

Lorenz Hellman Gloucester: My family uses one routinely to communicate efficiently

beauty queen: i take it back

Lord Prankster: hold on I got it

Lord Prankster changed Lorenz Hellman Gloucester’s name to Pretentious Plum

Lord Prankster: viola, my masterpiece

beauty queen: LMAO HOLY SHIT

modern nolde: Claude this is why your class prez

Pretentious Plum: Claude, where are you at the moment?

Lord Prankster: somewhere you won’t be able to hurt me :)

Marianne von Edmund: um...hello?

modern nolde: oh Mary there you are!

beauty queen: hey bby Hanneman give up for the day?

Marianne von Edmund: apologies if this comes off as rude but...who are you?

modern nolde: oh mary, sorry, it’s Ignatz

beauty queen: hilda, gurl!

Marianne von Edmund: oh, so this is…

modern nolde: yeah its a group chat for our friend group

modern nolde: feel free to change your name too

Marianne von Edmund: I see...okay

Marianne von Edmund changed their name to Mary

Mary: how’s this…?

beauty queen: we’ll work on it

Leonie Pinelli: am I right to assume the reason that Raph and I saw Claude running from Lorenz by the dorms is because of this group chat?

modern nolde: scroll up

Leonie Pinelli: well that makes sense

Leonie Pinelli: anyway me and Raphael are at lunch

Raphael Kirsten changed their name to M E A T only

Leonie Pinelli: Raphael I swear to god

Leonie Pinelli: alright we’ll talk to you later

Lysithea von Ordelia: my phone kept buzzing who’s the dunce that thought this was a good idea while I was studying

modern nolde: you’ll have to wait your turn to punch Claude he’s currently running from the pretentious plum

Lysithea von Ordelia: the...what?????

Mary: don’t worry about it, Lysithea…

Lysithea von Ordelia: well, I suppose I should take a break

Lysithea von Ordelia: now, what should my name be…

Lord Prankster changed Lysithea von Ordelia’s name to Babu

beauty queen: CLAUDE IS A GOD

modern nolde: CLAUDE DID YOU JUST


Pretentious Plum: Get in line, Lysithea.

M E A T only: yo, what’s up! 

M E A T only: woah sis why do you wanna kill claude?


M E A T only: I mean, you are the youngest one here


M E A T only: you know you can change your own name, right?

Babu: ............

Leonie Pinelli: I don’t think she did, Raph

M E A T only: well, now she does. problem solved!

Babu changed their name to Lysithea

M E A T only: oh come on sis you gotta do something better than that

Lysithea: Make me.

modern nolde: Raphael my friend

modern nolde: I don’t think you should argue on this one

modern nolde: that message feels like a threat and I’m not even the one it’s directed towards

M E A T only: whaddya mean? she could never kill me

modern nolde: I’m not so sure about that. have you seen her angry?

modern nolde: hello? Raphael?

beauty queen: its been 13 mins where is he

modern nolde: wait did Lysithea actually kill him

Leonie Pinelli changed their name to student athlete

student athlete: so I hate to be the bearer of bad news but uh

student athlete: raph just kinda passed out? I’ve been getting him over to the school hospital

Mary: I’m sorry I ruined your day…

student athlete: Mary I promise you had nothing to do with it. Raph had been complaining about “feeling funny” before lunch.

Mary: still, I feel as though my constant bad luck had some part in it...

beauty queen: leonie heads up natz just ran past my dorm and is headed ur way 

beauty queen: probably read what was here and sprinted right away

student athlete: I mean they’re roommates that makes sense

beauty queen: but srsly is he ok?

student athlete: probably, doctor said nothing seemed out of the ordinary

student athlete: maybe it was something he ate?

Lord Prankster: alright Lorenz finally caught up to me and gave me one of his long ass speeches

beauty queen: that means its Lysithea’s turn to try to beat you up

Lord Prankster: actually she ran past me and was headed towards the school hospital

Lord Prankster: something about Raphael fainting?

Mary: yes, that was my fault…

student athlete: Marianne for the last time I promise you aren’t to blame

Lord Prankster: jeez, with how much she blames herself you’d think Marianne recolored her hair to intentionally make herself look sadder

beauty queen: or 2 fit our rainbow aesthetic

Lord Prankster: our what?

beauty queen: white, pink, orange, yellow, gold, green, blue, and purple

beauty queen: we're a rainbow

Lord Prankster: huh

Lord Prankster: I never noticed that

Lord Prankster: in that case I’ve got nicknames for the both of them. Marianne, do you mind?

Mary: no, not at all. I wouldn’t want to trouble you…

Lord Prankster: I’d be the one troubling you in this case but I’ll take that as a go-ahead

Lord Prankster changed Mary’s name to Sweet Blues

Lord Prankster changed Lysithea’s name to White Lavender

White Lavender: Who said you could change my name?!

beauty queen: shouldn’t you be watching over your brother?

White Lavender: just because he calls me his little sister doesn’t mean I have to call him my brother

White Lavender: we’re not even related, its such nonsense!

Sweet Blues: I like my nickname…thank you, Claude.

Lord Prankster: no problem, Marianne!

White Lavender: Hey! Don’t ignore me like I’m some kid!

Lord Prankster: u’re the one who said it not me

White Lavender: I’m about 2 seconds away from trying to kill you again

Lord Prankster: hey Lysithea guess what

Lord Prankster: babu


beauty queen: f

student athlete: f

modern nolde: f

Sweet Blues: f

Pretentious Plum: For what reason are you typing the letter f?

modern nolde: its a thing people do online to show respect in light of a tragedy if they have nothing else to say

Pretentious Plum: Ah, I see.

Pretentious Plum: f

Chapter Text

M E A T only: alright I’m finally back at my dorm

M E A T only: thanks Leonie for helping me!

modern nolde: yeah seriously I wouldn’t want Raph hurt

student athlete: well I wasn’t going to leave him on the ground like that

student athlete: now can you please tell us what happened

beauty queen: ooo we finally getting the tea?

Pretentious Plum: I was unaware any of you were interested in tea parties, though I am pleased to know that if it were any of you, it was Hilda.

Lord Prankster: wrong kind of tea, you plum

Lord Prankster: anyway I’m supposed to head off with Edel and Dimitri so I’ll see y’all later

Sweet Blues: goodbye, Claude

beauty queen: see ya later!

White Lavender: well, you big buffoon, what happened?

M E A T only: well, I don’t really know what it could’ve been

M E A T only: I ate my normal meal in the morning, and then went to start working out with Leonie

M E A T only: after that I had my typical lunch

M E A T only: we were on our way back to the dorms when I felt my legs give out

M E A T only: next I woke up in bed

Sweet Blues: Raphael, I don’t mean to be rude, but...didn’t you eat on the floor for breakfast?

M E A T only: huh? yeah, why?

beauty queen: raph please tell me you didn’t

modern nolde: Raphael why were you eating on the floor????

M E A T only: I dropped some of my eggs and still had to eat it

beauty queen: you didn't eat it off the floor did you

M E A T only: huh? Is there something wrong with that?

student athlete: RAPH


M E A T only: what, they clean the floors every day!

Pretentious Plum: Are you an imbecile?

modern nolde: raphael you do know that their shoes are also on the ground right?

M E A T only: psh, five second rule exists for a reason

White Lavender: the five second rule is a myth you dunce!

M E A T only: but it was perfectly good eggs! I couldn’t let that go to waste!

student athlete: usually this is when I agree with you but you really need to be more careful raph

student athlete: I mean I love saving money as much as the next person but

student athlete: you can’t just eat off of the floor like that

beauty queen: I’m just wondering why natz has stayed quiet

M E A T only: oh he’s laughing hysterically rn

modern nolde: ALL the worry was caused because he ATE OFF THE FLOOR

modern nolde: sorry I just can’t believe we all thought something was wrong with him

Pretentious Plum: Do you mean to imply that him being okay with eating off the floor is not something wrong?

beauty queen: shut up plum we luv him the way he is

M E A T only: thanks Hilda! :D

White Lavender: begrudgingly yes

M E A T only: little sis D:

modern nolde: top 10 anime betrayals

student athlete: well now that we know the deal with that who wants to play a game

White Lavender: does it have anything to do with sports

student athlete: no I just heard rumors about what Claude, Edelgard, and Dimitri are doing

beauty queen: oh more tea? spill

Pretentious Plum: Why would you ever want to spill tea? It is a delicious beverage that must be savoured.

Sweet Blues: I think they’re talking about another definition of tea, Lorenz.

student athlete: I’m not gonna get into details you guys guess what it is

beauty queen: uhhhhhh

beauty queen: they’re meeting with the principal

modern nolde: what if they’re touring another college to see what improvements could be implemented?

M E A T only: obviously they’re going to Five Guys for some burgers

beauty queen: nah they’d b going to In-N-Out Burger for that

M E A T only: I like a lot of food, but if I was told to go to one of those, I’d go to Five Guys

M E A T only: In-N-Out isn’t even that good

beauty queen: u take that back, plebeian

M E A T only: Natz what does that mean?

modern nolde: she’s calling you something mean

modern nolde: anyway both of you are wrong Wendy’s is better

modern nolde: their twitter account is hilarious and they’ve got good food

Pretentious Plum: You are all foolish. The best burger place is Fuddruckers.

beauty queen: u eat burgers??????

Pretentious Plum: Not often, but yes. And I know Fuddruckers is superior.

M E A T only: Marianne, what place do you prefer?

Sweet Blues: oh, umm...I’m vegetarian…

beauty queen: rip

beauty queen: ly how about u?

White Lavender: it’s pointless to argue something that is almost completely subjective such as the “best” burger place.

White Lavender: that said, I prefer Sonic’s

M E A T only: I can’t believe you’d betray me like this sis!

White Lavender: I was never aligned with you in the first place!

student athlete: guys can we please get back to the game we were playing

modern nolde: oh yeah we got really sidetracked huh

student athlete: (Lorenz is right about Fudds btw)


student athlete: I’m just stating the facts

Sweet Blues: if I may...I believe that they might be going on a nature walk.

Sweet Blues: I often do it as a form of relaxation.

Pretentious Plum: You may have a point, but I would not believe that would prevent Claude from going on his phone. The same with the food idea. That is not to mention that Edelgard despises fast food places.

beauty queen: well then, genius, what are they doing

Pretentious Plum: I believe they are meeting Vice Principal Seteth to talk about the upcoming year’s teaching situation. We had just had Professor Robin retire a couple months ago. Would it not make sense?

beauty queen: lorenz ur thinking to hard

student athlete: actually, I heard they were meeting the new professor

Pretentious Plum: Perhaps if you all thought about the big picture, you would have figured that out.

beauty queen: this is the exact reason we call you pretentious

White Lavender: because he has braincells?

beauty queen: BITCH


student athlete: and just as Raph leaves the hospital, Hilda is admitted in

M E A T only: sis that was really mean

White Lavender: perhaps but she doesn’t need to be so rude to Lorenz all the time

beauty queen: oh pls he knows we’re messing with him

modern nolde: literally our group dynamic revolves around messing with one another

Sweet Blues: I’m not sure that should be the case, though…

beauty queen: wait do you feel hurt that we do that mary?

Sweet Blues: we’re all friends, yet we treat each other as though we’re enemies.

Sweet Blues: should we not be kind to one another to ensure that we are in a safe environment?

modern nolde: Mary’s got a point, but at the same time, I think we all know that if something serious happens, we’re all there for one another

modern nolde: take yesterday for example

modern nolde: when Raph fainted, we kinda all made sure he was okay in our own way. Leonie carried him to the hospital, Claude checked in with him once he was aware, me and Lysithea ran over to the hospital to check on his condition, and Lorenz scolded him for the action that caused it

modern nolde: you yourself came by our dorm to ask if he needed anything earlier

student athlete: ngl that made me tear up that was beautiful

beauty queen: natz summarized it rly well

White Lavender: don’t lump me in there!

M E A T only: c’mon sis you care about us, otherwise you’da left a long time ago

White Lavender: ...fine, yeah, I care

Pretentious Plum: As the one that is picked on, I do tend to bring it upon myself, and I don’t mind it. I have developed quite thick skin due to being the heir to a wealthy corporation.

Sweet Blues: I see...that makes me happy.

beauty queen: happy mary = happy family

Lord Prankster: I had to turn my phone off you guys talked so much

White Lavender: oh great, Claude is back

Lord Prankster: don’t sound too excited

Lord Prankster: anyway yeah they’re hiring two new teachers, siblings who are the kids of a famous professor here from like 20 years ago or something

Lord Prankster: Lorenz was right on the money

Pretentious Plum: Seems my intellect was well used.

Lord Prankster: also Arby’s is the best burger place @ me next time


student athlete: oh god we’re starting a war aren’t we

modern nolde: the great burger war of 2019


beauty queen: day 69; Fuddruckers has wiped out every other burger place in the war. Only In-N-Out and Arby’s remain.

Lord Prankster: nice

modern nolde: nice

White Lavender: you are all such children

student athlete: day 420; Fuddruckers has fallen after wiping out all other burger places. All that remains are the vegetarians. I hope to one day rebuild burgerkind.

Lord Prankster: you could say that they went out in a blaze of glory

White Lavender: I hate you

Lord Prankster: you hate my puns, you don’t hate me

White Lavender: you test that on a daily basis

Sweet Blues: wait...I won?

modern nolde: to be fair I think Mary deserves to win

beauty queen: anything for my bby

Pretentious Plum: I concur.

Lord Prankster: agreed

M E A T only: yeah I can get behind that

Sweet Blues: oh...thank you, everyone?

student athlete: no prob, Mary <3


Chapter Text

Lord Prankster: okay is the plum here?

student athlete: no I think he’s having tea with that new professors you mentioned

student athlete: by the way, is it just me, or are they super young to be professors?

modern nolde: Leonie aren’t they the kids of coach Jeralt?

beauty queen: yeah u’re competitive spirit is showing

student athlete: shut it

M E A T only: it’d be pretty funny if they joined this chat

student athlete: Raph you do that and I will come to your room and steal the beef jerk you hide in Natz’s desk

modern nolde: the what

beauty queen: busted


modern nolde: never mind how she knew that

modern nolde: is that why my desk has smelled like a mix of paint and beef since school started?


modern nolde: ...wait is that why my paint spilled?!

student athlete: I’ll come clean about that one - I did that

student athlete: didn’t you get the money to restock that paint? I thought I left it on your dresser

modern nolde: huh? what money?

student athlete: ...Raph please tell me you didn’t take money from his dresser

M E A T only: I never saw any money on his dresser, only on mine

student athlete: wait, that was your dresser? well damn, sorry about that, Natz

student athlete: Raph, can you give him that money?

M E A T only: yeah no problem! 

modern nolde: god that was a mess

Sweet Blues: moving on to a different subject...Ignatz, when is the first art show this year?

modern nolde: oh, right, you had mentioned you wanted to come to that

modern nolde: at the moment, my professor is trying to schedule it in 6 weeks

Sweet Blues: I see...I look forward to whatever you end up painting.

M E A T only: actually, he started it the other day! 

Lord Prankster: oh yeah? what’s it gonna be like?

modern nolde: well, that’s for you to come find out at the art show

Lord Prankster: disappointed but completely fair

White Lavender: since we’ve exhausted that talking point, I would like to interrogate Claude about what he wanted with Lorenz

Lord Prankster: afternoon to you too, Ly

White Lavender: what are you scheming at Lorenz’s expense this time?

Lord Prankster: nothing serious, just a little thing I bet he’s never heard of

Lord Prankster: anyway, since you’re here, Lysithea, I was wondering if you’ve read anything on this interesting disease I recently heard

Lord Prankster: with how many medical books you’ve gone through, I would think you would

White Lavender: I could tell you almost anything on most of the uncommon diseases and I read all of Professor Casagranda reports on today’s diseases

beauty queen: why don’t you ever just call her Manuela like she wants everyone to

White Lavender: I look up to her medical career, thank you very much. it would be disrespectful of me to call her by her first name

Lord Prankster: anyway, seriously, the name of it is ligma

White Lavender: how curious...I’ve never heard of it. can you please send me a link of where you heard of it? I must know what this is!

Lord Prankster:  

modern nolde: I can’t believe that worked

M E A T only: balls? like meatballs? are they serving them in the cafeteria?

student athlete: no Raph today is pasta day

student athlete: was that door slam...from your room, Ignatz?

modern nolde: Raphael is sprinting

White Lavender: …

White Lavender: I’ll be right back

Lord Prankster: well folks, it was nice knowing you

beauty queen: I can’t believe claude is fucking dead

Sweet Blues: if I may change the subject...Professor Jeralt is coming in as an advisor, correct?

Lord Prankster: according to the word on the street, no

Lord Prankster: Principal said Jeralt would be operating directly under her as athletic director while his kids teach classes together

beauty queen: wait so there's a chance that we might have the new professors in one of our classes?

modern nolde: sounds like it

White Lavender: i, for one, am looking forward to meeting these teachers

student athlete: they’re, what, 25? not much older than us

Lord Prankster: you say that like we’re not all different ages

Sweet Blues: the age order goes Leonie, Lorenz, new year with Hilda, Raphael, Claude, and myself, which is then separated by another year gap with Ignatz, which then leaves Lysithea two years behind him.

Lord Prankster: now that I think about it, how are you living with raphael while in different years, natz?

modern nolde: I was brought in on an art scholarship and they let me have priority for my living space because of that

modern nolde: school seems to think I’m really good at art and don’t wanna lose me

student athlete: tbf you are like the best artist here

beauty queen: yeah ur better than most of the teachers according to the principal

modern nolde: that’s an overstatement, I’m still not that good

White Lavender: Ignatz, if your definition of “good” is better than you currently are, then you have higher expectations than I set for myself

White Lavender: and everyone knows I have extremely high expectations of myself.

Lord Prankster: super high praise from ly

Lord Prankster: I’d take it and run, natz

White Lavender: shut up Claude

M E A T only: I didn’t see any meatballs in the cafeteria but I did see hamburgers, snagged a couple of those

beauty queen: u would wouldn’t u

M E A T only: also c’mon natz, you’re great! I see your work all the time, and I’m no expert, but I never get tired of checking it out!

Sweet Blues: there is a reason I asked about the art show...I really enjoy looking at your work.

modern nolde: gee, thanks guys. I guess I am a bit hard on myself, but I always want to improve!

Lord Prankster: nothing wrong with that, just take a step back sometimes and think about how far you’ve already come. you’re damn good.

Pretentious Plum: Indeed, it may always feel impossible to improve, but only when looking back at the past can you see how much progress you truly have made.

Lord Prankster: ahhhh the plum finally shows himself

Pretentious Plum: I was having tea with our newly acquainted professors. Those two are quite similar and don’t talk often.

student athlete: what were they like? I haven’t met them yet and really wanna know

beauty queen: so that you can be better than them

student athlete: no comments from the peanut gallery

Pretentious Plum: Their names are Zach and Jeannie. Jeannie seems like the more openly kind of the two while Zach is the more logically thinking one. They both seem to have a sense of humor, though Zach is more blunt and crass and Jeannie is more teasing and witty. They seem to have difficulty emoting as we do, so I could only gather this much based on their words.

student athlete: they sound like awful people

modern nolde: called it

beauty queen: leonie I lost 10 bucks thanks to you

student athlete: you guys weren’t running bets on what I’d say were you?

M E A T only: what makes you say that?

student athlete: raph I heard hilda sighing the deepest sigh ever

student athlete: second only to when she was forced to do an intramural sport by yours truly

student athlete: also hilda said money was involved

Lord Prankster: is I can bring it back, I’ve been waiting for you, Lorenz

Pretentious Plum: For what purpose do you need me? 

Lord Prankster: you see, I heard this virus going through the business school and figured you should go get yourself checked. supposedly its deadly

Pretentious Plum: That’s quite a tale. I’ve heard nothing of this virus, but I should certainly proceed with caution. What is it called?

Lord Prankster: Ligma.

Pretentious Plum: I’ve never heard of ligma before. What symptoms are there?

Lord Prankster: Ligma balls, where you suck on deez nuts

modern nolde: IT WORKED TWICE?!

beauty queen: some1 call an ambulance

Pretentious Plum: I'll be right back.

M E A T only: don't worry, Lorenz, I already checked, there’s no meatballs in the cafeteria

student athlete: if anyone tells Raph or Mary what is actually happening they will answer to my fist.

Sweet Blues: i believe i’d rather not know, personally…

student athlete: good