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"Hearts are fragile things. That's why you have to be so careful."
-Delirium, page 8


 

It's been a year, to the day, since I have been cured. Rachel and Carol and everyone else were right; I really am happier, but am I happy?

For now, that question remains unanswered.

It has also been a year since I saw Alex. I thought that after the whole curing procedure, I would forget about him and our... love. (I still can't bring myself to speak that word aloud.) I miss him. Why? Why can't I just forget him and move on? Because the procedure went wrong. They don't know it, though. The men in white still think they fixed their little mistake. But they didn't. They messed me up. I'm still somewhat infected and always will be.

I like it that way.

I got married and supposedly moved on. The wedding was only two weeks after I was "cured." He's dead now, though. Yes, Brian Scharrf is dead. Long gone. And no matter how awful it sounds, I'm glad to be alone; I can mourn my past in peace.

No, I'm not completely alone. Gracie is here with me, asleep in the room next to mine. And Carol was blamed for what happened that day, for me being infected. Really, I think the Regulators were just pissed that someone - me - had managed to slip from their grasp while they slept. I took the key and let myself loose. But they caught me and caged me up again, like I was some savage animal prepared to kill them.

I almost escaped. Almost. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't go out on my own and just forget about Alex. I wanted, needed him with me, right by my side, at all costs. I still do, actually. I don't know how I've managed to get by without him and Mom and Hana. I came back, but it was too late to fix anything. All had been said and done and destroyed.

If only I hadn't scheduled my Evaluation for that day. If only I hadn't gone with Hana to the Dumpster. If only I never met Alex. If only, if only, if only...