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Leslie Jones's Diary

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(OPEN ON: New York City skyline in the rain.)

 (MUSIC: Somber and sad)

 (CUT TO: Kyle walking in the rain with a black umbrella looking  very bleak.)

 

KYLE (VOICE OVER)

If I’m being honest, it’s been a rough couple of months.

 

(CUT TO: Kyle, his hair still wet from the rain, but now indoors looking morosely out the window.) 

 

KYLE (VOICE OVER)

People keep asking me if I’m okay. And I try to put on a brave face, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. 

 

(CUT TO: Kyle sitting on a couch, interview style, looking straight at the camera.)

 

KYLE

Leslie asked me for a divorce. At this point, I just want what’s best for little Lorne. Even if Leslie and I didn’t work out we won’t stop being the best parents we can be. 

 

Kyle puts his head in his hands and begins to sob. Beck comes into frame and puts his arm around Kyle motioning for the camera to turn off. The screen fades to black  

(CUT TO: Photo of Leslie, Kyle and little Lorne in happier days. Pan out to reveal that the photo is being held by Leslie.)

 

LESLIE (VOICE OVER)

Even at good points in our marriage, Kyle was always worried.

 

(CUT TO: A picture of Leslie all dressed up to go out and Kyle in a bathrobe looking worried.)

 

LESLIE (VOICE OVER)

If I came home late from a party, he’d always look worried. If I left early for work, he’d look worried. 

 

(CUT TO: Leslie sitting at her desk looking into the camera, interview style.)

 

LESLIE

I love Kyle, but at a certain point, he was cramping my style. I didn’t want to text him where I was all the time.... I mean, I’m a grown ass woman; I lead my own life.

 

Leslie shakes her head and looks down at her hands

 

LESLIE

And then there was that silly little business with Colin...Kyle would never let it go.

 

(CUT TO: Footage of Kyle shooting Colin in slow motion.)

 (Fade to black)

 (CUT TO: Kyle, interview style.)

KYLE

Colin was a part of our marriage. Colin and Leslie were inseparable. 

 

(CUT TO: Colin and Leslie sitting together at the writers table, laughing together on Weekend Update, etc)

 

KYLE (Voice over)

Even at home, when Leslie would come home from work, and she’d talk about Colin. I know that she said that it was just a work relationship, but she spent more time with Colin than with me. After a while it began to hurt.(K yle voice cracks as he sounds like he is crying .)

 

(CUT TO: Leslie, interview style.)

 

LESLIE

The thing about Kyle was that he was so emotional. He’d cry when I came home; he’d cry after sex; he’d cry at all of Lorne’s recitals. He’s probably crying right now as we speak.

 

(CUT TO: Kyle interview style. He is crying)

 

KYLE

It’s just a lot for me, you know. ( Kyle sobs )

 

(CUT TO: Montage of Kyle crying and Leslie comforting him)

 

LESLIE (VOICE OVER)

At a certain point, I had to ask myself if Kyle was genuinely unhappy or being a needy little bitch. And as much as he is a needy little bitch, both him and me were very unhappy.

 

(CUT TO: Leslie, interview style.)

 

LESLIE

It was certainly not Kyle’s fault. Kyle cares so much; he can’t help it. If anything, it was mine.

 

(CUT TO: Kyle, interview style.)

KYLE

I don’t blame Leslie. I’m just going to put that out there. I don’t blame Leslie.

 

(CUT TO: Footage of Kyle and Leslie in happier times.)

 

KYLE (VOICE OVER)

I really do love her. We just….weren’t compatible.

 

LESLIE (VOICE OVER)

It’s been harder on me than I make it out to be. I’ve just been putting all of my life into work. For some reason, being among my SNL family really makes things a lot better.

 

(CUT TO: Footage of Leslie sitting at the writers table looking exhausted and Colin patting her arm and Leslie smiling at him.) 

 (CUT TO: Kyle, interview style.)

KYLE

I’ve been reconnecting with my friends. Doing just guy things that I didn’t have time for when I was married. 

 

(CUT TO: Footage of Kyle and Beck playing video games in their boxers covered in Cheetos dust, eating Cheetos with their mouth open. More footage of Kyle and Beck’s epic pillow fight. Scenes from Beck and Kyle’s legendary Hannah Montana Dance Off.)

 (CUT TO: Kyle, interview style.)

KYLE

Beck has been my rock. Actually I’m in Beck’s apartment right now. Been staying here for a few weeks now while Lorne’s with Leslie.

 

(Camera pans out to Beck sitting on the loveseat adjacent to the couch looking concerned.)

 

 

BECK

  Hey. (Beck nods at the camera)

 

(CUT TO: Kyle)

KYLE

Beck was by my side at USC. 

 

(CUT TO: Montage of old videos and pictures of Beck and Kyle)

 

KYLE (VOICE OVER)

Beck was there when we both started SNL. He was my best man when I was married, and now he’s by my side again when I’m divorced.

 

(CUT TO: Kyle, interview style)

KYLE

I’m divorced...I can’t believe I’m divorced

 

Kyle puts his head in his hands. 

  Beck appears on camera and sits next to Kyle 

 

BECK

Hey, Kyle. It’s alright man. 

 

Beck puts his arms around Kyle and nods at the cameraperson.

 

BECK (CON’T)

Hey, man. I think we’re gonna need a little time. 

 

The camera shakes and moves and abruptly cuts to black

 

(FADE IN: The sun rising on a New York skyline)

(MUSIC: Hopeful)

 (CUT TO: Leslie walking on the streets of New York)

 

LESLIE (VOICEOVER)

It’s been a year since our divorce was finalized. And though it’s been hard, things are getting better. I’m getting back into the dating scene, seeing what’s new. They say that there’s plenty of fish in the sea, but none of those fish compare to Kyle. 

 

(CUT TO: Leslie walking down the hallway outside the dressing rooms.)

LESLIE

The other thing that’s been worrying me is that there is something seriously wrong with Colin. He’s been suffering from high blood pressure, or something, ‘cause he looks funny, almost constipated all the time. No one else seem to notice, but I’m not crazy! Do I look crazy?? ( Leslie looks into the camera, looking a little crazed .)

 

Colin is walking down the hallway towards Leslie.

 

LESLIE (To camera)

Watch this, watch this.

 

LESLIE (To Colin)

Lookin’ good my yummy little cheesecake!

 

(CUT TO: Colin looks flustered and laughing.)

 

COLIN

What? I’m not cheesecake, Leslie.

 

LESLIE

Well, you are ‘cause you sweet yet firm. ( Leslie squeezes Colin’s bicep. )

 

Colin laughs awkwardly, looks away, runs a hand through his hair and turns bright red.

 (CUT TO: Leslie)

LESLIE (Whispered to camera)

See what I mean? That look ain’t normal. He looks like a lobster!

 

(CUT TO: Kyle, sitting interview style)

 

KYLE

It’s been a year after the divorce and Colin and Leslie are back to flirting like mad. And it’s fine, it’s really fine.

 

(CUT TO: Colin looking admiringly at an oblivious Leslie while Kyle lurks awkwardly in the background.)

 (CUT TO: Kyle in interview setting.)

 

KYLE (to the camera)

The best part of my day is when I’m in my office with Beck. That’s just when I can sit back relax and just really, just, be me.

 

(CUT TO: Kyle sitting lounging in his chair with a green face mask and a margarita.)

 

KYLE (VOICE OVER)

Beck and I have been spending a lot of time together in our office.

 

(CUT TO: Beck in the other chair with a pink facemask and a blue margarita.)

 

KYLE

Not that many people drop in anymore

 

BECK

Yeah, they do. Pete was here just a few hours ago.

 

KYLE

Yeah, but he, like, made a huge show of knocking on the door. He used to just walk in.

 

BECK

Huh...You’re right. But it’s been awhile since anyone has just walked in. Like almost a year.

 

KYLE

Really? I don’t really mind, but it’s kind of weird.

 

BECK

Yeah... (Beck slurps his drink and sighs.)

 

(CUT TO: Kyle in interview setting.)

 

KYLE (to the camera)

I’ve been suffering from low self-esteem recently. But my friends have been really supportive.

 

(CUT TO: Kyle talking to Mikey.)

 

MIKEY

Hey, man. What’re you writing?

 

KYLE

Nothing, really. It’s not very funny.

 

MIKEY

Let me see that. (Mikey grabs the script.) It’s called Homoerotic Friendship: Bromance or Romance? (Mikey flips through it, and hands it back.)

 

MIKEY (CON’T)

Yeah, man. What the hell is this? Did you see that psychiatrist like I told you too?

 

Kyle sighs and shakes his head.

 (CUT TO: Kyle in interview setting)

 

KYLE

Well, not all of my friends. Mainly Beck.

 

(CUT TO: Beck and Kyle sitting on a table.)

 

KYLE

My skits aren’t funny; I’m not funny. Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking

 

BECK

I think you’re pretty funny. You always make me laugh.

 

KYLE

Aw shucks. ( Kyle punches Beck in the arm and smiles at the floor .) Thanks.

 

BECK

It’s nothing, man. ( Beck shrugs and grins .)

 

KYLE

I mean, sometimes it’s hard being both unfunny and not ridiculously handsome, like sort of an anti-Colin. Yeah, I know I’m good looking in a, you know, next door neighbor kind of way, but I’m not a super hot hunk.

 

Beck shrugs again and looks away. 

 

BECK

I don’t know. I think you’re pretty hot.

 

KYLE

Aww, man. (He reaches his arm out as if to touch Beck, but then puts his hand back into his lap. ) Thanks, but you don’t have to make me feel better.

 

BECK

I really do though...Think you’re hot.

 

KYLE

( He shakes his head, looks at the floor, and smiles. )

Nah, man.

 

BECK

Kyle. Look me in the face and tell me that I’m joking.

 

Kyle brings his head up to look at Beck. They stare at each other and then passionately kiss. They break off. 

 

BECK

That was good, man. ( Beck laughs awkwardly .)

 

KYLE

I can’t take this. ( Kyle gets up to leave. ) That was very funny, okay? 

 

BECK

Hey, wait, what?...Kyle?

 

Beck gets up to follow Kyle. Camera follows Beck to another room where they are visible through a doorway. Beck grabs Kyle’s arm

 

BECK

Listen, man. When I said that wasn’t a joke, I wasn’t kidding.

 

KYLE

Why did you laugh then?

 

BECK

I don’t know...I didn’t- I didn’t mean to!

 

KYLE

Maybe I am funny...As in laughing stock of this show. ( Kyle puts his head in his hands .) 

 

BECK

No, no, no. I laughed because I was nervous. I am being absolutely serious. Come on. You know that, dude.

 

KYLE

But I really don’t. ( Kyle sighs and turns his face away from Beck. ) Beck, just leave.

 

BECK

Kyle, please. Let me show you...Please?

 

Kyle slowly turns his face back to Beck and Beck takes Kyle’s face in his hands. They kiss. 

 

BECK

Believe me now?

 

KYLE

( Kyle smiles and ducks his head .) Yeah. 

 

BECK

Good.

 

Romantic music begins. Beck pulls Kyle’s chin up so they are looking at each other and they kiss again. Kyle puts his hands around Beck’s waist and Beck moves in between Kyle’s legs pushing Kyle into the wall.

  Someone clears their throat offscreen. Romantic music grinds to a halt. The camera pans to Aidy who is standing and staring at Beck and Kyle. 

 

AIDY

I’m really happy that you finally figured out your feelings after only, like, literally a decade of sexual tension, but right now I just want to get by you guys.

 

Beck and Kyle break their kiss and stare at her, whilst still embracing. 

 

BECK

 

What?

 

AIDY

I need to pee. 

 

BECK

Oh right, right. Of course. 

 

Beck and Kyle move out of her way. When the move, the camera pans to the door that they were kissing on, the door to the women’s restroom.

 

KYLE

Sorry, Aidy. 

 

AIDY

Thank you. And I am honestly happy for you.( Aidy opens the bathroom door and then pauses .) By the way, if you want privacy, you guys should go to your dressing room. No one’s been going in there because we all thought you’ve been fucking in there for the past year.

 

BECK

Why did they think we were fucking? ( Beck gestures between him and Kyle and looks confused .)

 

KYLE

Yeah...We haven’t even kissed until today.

 

AIDY

Beats me. ( Aidy rolls her eyes, shakes her head in disbelief and disappears into the restroom.

 

(CUT TO: Shots of Kyle and Beck being cute on the SNL set. Beck brings Kyle flowers and kisses him on the cheek. Kyle rubs Beck’s back as he goes over his lines. Pan out to see Leslie watching them from afar with her head in her hand and a small smile on her face.)

 

LESLIE

I’m happy for Kyle. I really am. Beck makes him very happy. And Beck has a fantastic ass, if do say so myself.

 

(Pan back to Kyle and Beck. Kyle puts his hand on Beck’s butt. Zoom onto Beck’s butt and play romantic opera music that suspiciously sounds like “I like big butts and I cannot lie”. The camera stays there for an uncomfortable amount of time. Then pans back to Kyle and Beck smiling happily at each other. Cut back to Leslie.)

 

LESLIE

Seeing them so happy makes me wish that I had someone like that. Someone that’s a good friend, but who I could make sweet love to.

 

(Pan out a bit to reveal Colin sitting next to Leslie with a lovesick look on his face.) 

 

LESLIE

( Sighs .) Unfortunately, there apparently ain’t a man like that within 500 miles of New York. Because believe me, I have looked. I’ve been on every damn dating app, but still no one wants me. 

 

Colin puts his arm around Leslie’s shoulder and Leslie leans into him. 

 

COLIN 

That’s not true. I know at least one guy who wants you. 

 

LESLIE 

Thanks for making me feel better, angel cake, but you know the truth better than anyone. 

 

Colin gives Leslie a lovesick look and then looks away. Then, Leslie gives Colin an equally lovesick look and sighs.

(Cut to: Kate McKinnon walking up to Leslie and Colin.)

 

KATE 

Hey, Colin and Leslie! Here’s a note to you from Lorne. 

 

LESLIE 

(Leslie grabs the note and unwraps it. ) It says we are needed urgently in room 42069. 

 

COLIN 

Do you know why? I didn’t even know that was a room that existed in this building. 

 

LESLIE

Doesn’t say why. 

 

COLIN

Do you know why, Kate?

 

KATE

Nope. But excuse me. I actually gotta run. My cat’s having a seance session tonight and you know what that means. 

(Kate smiles, waves, and walks off frame.) 

 

COLIN

Do we know what that means?

 

LESLIE

Don’t you?

 

(Cut to: Leslie and Colin outside room 42069.)

 

LESLIE

Ready, my sweet white chocolate coconut latte? 

 

COLIN

What?

 

Leslie ignores him and opens the door. Colin follows her in. The door shuts behind them with an audible clicking sound. Nothing is in the room but a bunch of festive vests, ten used Single Ladies unitards, twenty baby hands, a giant cowbell, and a bed almost entirely covered by Jennifer Anisten wigs. Besides the bed, a nightstand holds condoms and lube. 

 

COLIN

What the hell?

 

LESLIE

Those baby hands are creepy as fuck. I’m outta here. 

 

She strides to the door and tries to open it, but it is locked. 

 

LESLIE

The door is locked. THE DOOR IS LOCKED!!!! 

 

COLIN 

What? Let me try. ( Colin walks to the door and rattles the doorknob. ) Fuck! It’s locked.

 

LESLIE

( Leans down to put her mouth to the keyhole .) If I find whoever locked us in here, I will destroy you!!!

 

(CUT TO: Lorne Michaels standing in front of the door with the key to the door in his hand listening to Leslie and Colin’s shouts with the smallest of smiles on his face.) 

 

LORNE MICHAELS 

Normally, I don’t interfere with cast members lives like this. But Colin and Leslie just really needed to get their shit together.

 

Lorne puts the key in his pocket and walks away. 

 (Fade to black)

 (CUT TO: Colin, Leslie, Beck and Kyle uncomfortably squashed together on a couch. Colin and Leslie are holding hands. Beck has his arm stretched around Kyle.)

 

KYLE 

I never thought I’d say this, but getting a divorce from Leslie was one of the best things that happened to me in my life. I found my new soulmate and we all got some of Kate’s cats new kittens. (Kyle holds up a kitten.)

 

COLIN

Is that what Kate meant by her cat’s seance?

 

BECK

Yeah, what did you think she meant? (Beck scoffs.) Communicating with the dead?

 

COLIN

Yeah, I guess? Like the normal definition of seance? I didn’t really know what to think. 

 

LESLIE

That’s okay, baby. You were never really good at that.

 

COLIN

What, thinking?

 

LESLIE

(Leslie pats Colin's hand gently and continues on.) Without the divorce, Kyle would have never realized his deeply repressed love for Beck and I would have never ended up with my vanilla meringue cutie.( Leslie pinches Colin’s cheek. )

 

COLIN

Vanilla meringue? Really, baby? (Leslie kisses him on the cheek.)

 

KYLE

Do I still feel insecure about love? No. I never feel as secure as when I’m with Beck.

 

BECK

Aww, thanks, babe. ( He makes a heart with his hands and shows it to Kyle. Kyle makes a heart back. Colin rolls his eyes. )

 

KYLE

Do I still want to kill Colin? ( Kyle pauses and thinks .) Well, yes. But it’s normal temperate rage that everyone feels around Colin, not a burning uncontrolled passion like before. 

 

COLIN

Wait, what?

 

LESLIE

And while Kyle and I still have the occasional dream about threesomes with Paul Rudd, they feature our partners not each other. ( She smiles at the camera .)

 

COLIN

Wait, can we go back to the part where everyone wants to kill me?

 

KYLE

I’m looking forward to all the adventures I’ll share with Leslie on this journey of friendship. 

 

LESLIE

I am so happy that Kyle can stay in my life as a great friend and confidant. 

 

COLIN

Temperate rage? What does that even mean??

 

LESLIE

I know that the days we spend together and with our new partners will be some of the best days of our life. 

 

COLIN

Um, excuse me? Can somebody answer me?

 

KYLE

A golden age of peace and tranquility, love and friendship. 

 

COLIN

Uhh, what about the temperate rage you apparently all feel?

 

LESLIE 

Kyle, you may be a little bitch, but if anyone else calls you that I will beat the living shit out of them.

 

BECK

Hear, hear!

 

KYLE

And Leslie is one of the kindest, sexiest, strongest--- 

 

COLIN

(Colin interrupts Kyle.) CAN YOU PLEASE STOP IGNORING ME AND ANSWER MY QUESTION!

 

KYLE 

( Stops and looks straight at Colin .) Fine, I’ll stop ignoring you. ( Pulls out gun. Aims at Colin. Pulls the trigger .)

 

(Screen cuts to black. )

 (Text appears on the screen.)

 

“Beck and Kyle got married the next year.”

(The text is accompanied by a picture of Beck and Kyle at their wedding in matching white tuxes.)

 

“Colin and Leslie got married a year and half later.”

(This text is accompanied by a picture of Leslie and Colin looking very nice in their wedding clothes.)

 

“Colin also got a restraining order against Kyle.”

(Picture of Kyle trying to fight Colin, but being restrained by both Beck and Leslie.) 

 

“Both couples are happily married to their soulmates, but Leslie and Kyle still maintain a strong friendship untarnished by their divorce.”

(Picture of Leslie and Beck smiling happily as Kyle is strangling Colin in the background.

 

“The End” 

(A picture of Lorne Micheals appears. Then, Lorne winks and the screen cuts to black.)