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Extinguish

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Varda comes and fills my chambers and myself with a radiance of stars and lies.

It is easy, so easy, to give myself over to her when I am still an awestruck girl only past the cusp of adulthood, to her hands and mouth and the joy that fills and uplifts me to be so chosen, never questioning why, while she allows me to worship her in turn, and I fumble my own mouth over her holy body.

I know that the dark is gathering outside the palace I live in - and within it - but I am in the light.

*

Varda comes and fills my chambers and myself with a radiance of stars and lies.

It has become harder to give myself over to her, wedded and usurped against my will, but her hands and mouth console me as I weep in her arms with the gratitude that someone loves me still, that not all the world is hateful, as I had begun to question. She promises that worship will help me bear it, and my mouth finds a sure path over her holy body until she shivers.

The dark is already very close - but I am in the light.

*

Varda comes and fills my chambers and myself with a radiance of stars and lies.

I struggle to give myself over to her after Nimloth has burned and I have wept and screamed. After my people have burned, and I was silent. She offers reprieve for a while even saying that none of the grimness will lighten. I lie exhausted in her arms after my mouth has found its way over her holy body, still filled with a little pride, and perhaps an illusion of some already-treacherous hope.

I am in the dark, but the light still walks with me.

*

Varda comes and fills my chambers and myself with a radiance of stars and truth.

The earth is shaking and I flee into her arms, begging her to save my people even as the skies open and the hand of the One reaches for my island. She offers no more reprieve, saying only that all is done, and I have done it well, even as my mouth is on her holy body and she takes worship from me one last time. And worship I do, with the fierce determination of fear, the stubbornness of clinging to my final shred of hope.

That she loves me changes nothing, I understand that when she goes, and as she goes I understand also - all of it, the light, and the darkness that I am left in, were the One's work through her - and through me. All the hope I held onto. All the lives extinguished in Sauron's flames.

All the illusion of light falls from me. If all is darkness, I have only myself left to extinguish.

It gives me a measure of comfort, and as I climb the Mountain I stand before the shadow of the wave.

I am ready, my Lord.