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misplaced fingers, displaced feelings

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“Babe, have you-“ Adam stopped, realizing what he just said. Sweat forming on his nape while Amy’s teasing smile slowly register.

 “Did you just call me ‘babe’, Adam?” Her head is now tilted, signifying her amusement and anticipation for his answer. Is she blushing or is it the blush on? They both wonder, but Amy does not want to know.

 “I’m-I’m sorry, I’m just-I’m just used to, you know, on the show.” He should not be struggling to answer a simple question, but like Ben Wyatt, Adam stuttered like he was in a talk show with a live audience. He should not be guilty for the Freudian slip, they were filming for 7 hours straight, 7 hours with Amy, 10 times he called her “babe” as Ben, 6 takes of kissing scenes, 6 times Amy’s tongue slipped into his mouth. Why the fuck does he share a body with Ben? Someone should invent a new way of acting where the body of the character you play will only be worn during filming and will be left on set the moment “cut” is yelled. Oh, with these past years, maybe feelings too.

 He came back to reality when he heard Amy laugh, a soft laugh, not her usual cackle. Sometimes he thinks it might be reserved for him and their inside jokes shared through the years. He brushes the idea of Amy laughing softly over Kroll’s banters away.

“Hey, it’s okay!” Amy stepped closer and rubbed his shoulder. She felt how nervous he is and she knows his brain is about to shut down from millions of thoughts and maybe regrets. A knowledge gained through working and hanging out together even during the break.

 “To make you feel better,” she bit her lower lip, failing to stop the following words, “Sometimes, at the end of a long day, I tend to forget that you’re not really my husband. You know, because of the show.” She almost forgot to say the last sentence, if she’s being honest.

It’s Adam’s turn to tilt his head and throw his teasing smile. Amy’s eyes rolled until she saw the other side of the universe, and before Adam even uttered a word, she managed to quickly say “So what were you supposed to ask me when you came?” as if what she said can just be thrown away. This may be what they teach you at improv, and she’s a natural. She’s always a natural.

 “Oh no no, we’re not changing the topic, Amy.” Adam shook his head, he may be smiling but his eyes are piercing through her. There wasn’t enough time to calculate if this was the right place and moment to thoroughly talk about this and everything in between. The history they have together has become so overwhelming that they never looked back, or properly discussed it.

Amy cursed under her breath how her mouth is always faster than her brain. This conversation has been long overdue. She knows neither of them is ready, but to still prolong it might already be a sin. They were outside her trailer, the breeze now creeping through their skin. Adam was supposed to ask her if she already had dinner, the cast and crew were looking for her when the food was served.

“Adam, what we had and may still have,” she lowered her voice, aware of her surroundings. “It’s not right. It’s not safe. We both know that. Let’s just enjoy Leslie and Ben while we have them. This is hard for me too, you know?” That came out fast and concise, surprising them both.

She was having an internal debate if this conversation should happen inside her trailer. Oh, the two of them in a trailer alone seems to always end up in a haze, she thought. A public place is a safe place.

 “At least you have Kroll now.” Out of all the sentences that he tried to form, this is the only one he was able to complete.

 

 “And you’ve always been married.”

 

 Under the moon, her eyes sparkle a different shade of blue. They share a smile, one that lifted the corner of their lips but not their eyes. Adam walked three steps towards her, etching in his brain again how small she is with just her sneakers on. He pulled her closer, and Amy let him. She settled under his chin, wrapping her arms around his waist. This is very familiar, it is unsettling how right and safe this feels. It is unsettling how right and safe this feels as them, as Amy and Adam, and not just as Leslie and Ben.

 

“Maybe in a parallel universe, babe.” He whispered in her short blonde hair with now growing roots, tightening his embrace.

 

“In a parallel universe.” She exhaled, savoring every tick of the clock. Accepting every was, is, and will.

 

In two different universe, they have their happy ending. And sometimes, it’s enough.