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They Don't Know What This Feeling is Like

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“No.” 

Pernille is stunned by Magdas response. When Pernille asked if she could come in she expected Magda to cheerfully let her in, but instead she paused for a moment, looking Pernille over. By the look she had on her face, Pernile knows Magda could obviously tell that something was up. But, at the last second her face changed. She didn’t seem angry persay, rather just hurt. 

“You can’t just come here and expect me to drop everything when you clearly lied earlier about being tired just to blow me off.” Magda elaborates harshly after Pernille doesn’t say anything. With everything else going on in her head right now, it must have slipped her mind that she blatantly lied to Magda earlier. “In case you don’t remember at practice you were practically gloating about how much energy you had and also more importantly, since when aren’t you down to come over and watch a movie? Anyways, it's just a lot right now. It’s just… I need some space. Okay?” 

Her words hurt Pernille and she supposes that was the point. Pernille should have expected this, she probably would be saying the same things, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. Magda doesn’t know what’s going through her head right now, but to be fair Pernille doesn’t know what’s going through Magdas head either. 

She thought when Magda opened the door it would be this perfect moment and she would have the right words to say. Now, she’s left with nothing and all she wants to do is comfort Magda from the pain that she has caused her, hoping it might help Pernilles as well. But, Magda asked for space and she supposes that’s what she’ll give her. 

“Um, I’ll just…” Pernille points her finger toward the exit, trying to hold back her tears that will surely come later. How could she be so stupid? She surely has just made everything far more complicated. Why couldn’t she just have said how she felt weeks ago? She walks away from Magda's apartment door and the walk soon turns into a jog. She needs to get out of this building before she explodes. 

When she finally reaches the exit, she pushes open the door and is met with a refreshing blast of cold air. She looks up at the sky full of falling snow, lit only by the dim yellow street lights. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, permitting a few tears to fall from her eyes. When she feels herself relax, she opens her eyes and lets out another deep breathe that she can see in the cold. Shaking her head, she heads toward the direction of her car, preparing for yet another night crowded with thoughts that she just can’t seem to escape. Wow has she fucked everything up. 

Just as Pernille is arriving to her car, she hears the slamming of a door and a faint yell of her name, the heavy snowfall muffling the sound. 

“Pernille.” 

“Pernille wait!” She hears louder this time. Once the figure has gotten closer, she realizes it’s Magda. She doesn’t look hurt anymore. She looks a little worried, but at the same time there’s a certain softness to her eyes that makes Pernille want to melt into her on the spot. 

“Hey.” 

“Hi.” Pernille manages to get out, looking up shyly at Magda. She didn’t expect Magda to talk to her again this soon. Magda usually isn’t too bad of a grudge holder, but she does take time to calm down. 

“Um so sorry I kinda freaked out at you.” Pernille looks up at her more closely this time. Magda is looking back at Pernille, her eyes apologizing along with her words. The snow is falling onto her hair in perfect flakes and Pernille thinks she has never looked more beautiful. “It’s stupid I know and its not even that big of a deal, you really didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just… there's been a lot of… you know when feelings… “ 

Magda cuts herself off and Pernilles can’t trust herself with what she thinks Magda is saying. She’s not sure about a lot but standing out in the snow feels almost too perfect of a moment and she subtly pinches her arm to make sure this isn’t a dream. Magda glances down at her lips and she thinks she's going to kiss her, until suddenly the moment is ruined when they both jump from the sound of a car horn honking in the parking lot.  

 

“Earth to Pernille,” Magda says, Pernille must have been spacing out.. She’s not sure how long she was standing there, but it must have been longer than a few seconds. “Hey what’s up with you? Did the cold get to you? Didn’t you hear me when I said we should go up and you can actually come in this time?”  

“Right, right sorry.” Pernille replies, hoping that will suffice the awkwardness. She's not sure how to act now, even though Magda has forgiven her, and so it’s all a bit awkward trying to dance around each other. 

“Anyways what I said before you zoned out on me, was that I was just watching a movie, but feel free to come in and join me.” She pauses for a moment, looking Pernille over, her look tells Pernille she’s confused as to why she is still not saying anything. Pernille just smiles at her. It’s just Magda there’s nothing to be worried about. It's the same with her other friends. One minute they’re fighting about something stupid and the next it’s like nothing has happened. 

“Come here, you look freezing.” Like she’s deciding that maybe it is the cold that has her acting this way. Except she’s wrong, so wrong. She doesn’t even notice the cold. All she can pay attention to right now is Magda. 

When they are back up in her apartment, Magda offers her a blanket and they curl up on the couch together. For a second Pernille forgets what she came here to do and what just happened between them and all her worries fall away. It’s just her and Magda and it feels so natural. It's just like any other night. She lets herself relax into Magda’s embrace and can feel Magda relax against her body as well. 

Magda presses play and resumes the movie she was watching, The Hunger Games. Luckily Pernille has seen the movie a few other times and is able to follow along from the middle of the movie. 

They mostly just watch the movie in comfortable silence, both probably a little emotionally drained from the apparent internal struggles they both have been dealing with. Both having read all three of the books, they occasionally comment on how the movie differs from the book, but agree that this is one of the better book to movie adaptations that has been done. To be honest, Pernille is just happy that everything seems to be back to normal between them. 

Obviously everyone’s least favorite part of the first movie (or book), is when Rue dies. Having never watched this movie with Magda before, Pernille looks over at Magda to see her reaction when Katniss is singing to Rue before placing the flowerers on her. You can always judge someone’s character by how they act when Rue dies, okay not really , but still she’s not that surprised to see that Magda is clearly saddened by this part, even having seen the movie before. It’s no surprise Magda is a softy at heart, even if she doesn’t always act like it. 

“Your not going to risk your life for me, I’m not going to let you.” 

“You would do it for me.” Pernille hears in the background right before Katniss kisses Peeta in the cave on the screen. Except she can’t really pay attention to any of this because Pernille can feel Magda’s eyes staring at her. She thinks that Magda doesn’t realize that Pernille knows she’s looking at her instead of the movie or she doesn’t care (either would be fine with Pernille, it’s just very distracting). 

When there’s a break in the action Pernilles mind begins to wander. Ever since Frido mentioned that they look at each other differently Pernille has started to pay attention to this more. And right now she can still feel Magda’s eyes looking at her, it’s like they’re burning a hole in the side of her head, and she knows this is definitely not just a friendly look. All she wants to do is lean over and kiss Magda’s lips, but that would be counterproductive. What they really need to do is talk, especially after everything that just happened. 

Maybe just one kiss, Pernille thinks. Katniss just leaned right over and kissed Peeta no problem, she can do the same. No she can’t. This isn’t a movie, it’s real life and they need to talk first and she thinks if she starts kissing Magda she won’t be able to stop. 

After that few minutes of Magda looking over at her and Pernille trying not to look back so that she’ll know she saw her, the rest of the movie passes by fairly quickly. 

Not soon after, the movie is now finished and they can’t keep dancing circles around each other. Pernille tells herself she’s going to go to the bathroom quickly, hype herself up and then come back and finally talk to Magda. 

She stands up from the comfort of the couch and turns to head toward the bathroom, but before she knows it her foot catches on the same rug yet again and she feels herself falling. At least she wasn’t carrying anything this time. 

However this time, she falls straight into Magda’s lap, her arms outstretched seemingly ready to catch Pernille. She sits there in Magda’s lap, not exactly embarrassed this has happened again (because really it’s Pernille, when isn’t she falling), but rather mad that this couldn’t have happened at a worst time. 

“I’m sorry.” Pernille whispers. She doesn’t need to whisper. It’s just the two of them, but for some reason she feels like talking loudly will make the moment disappear and she wants to stay like this if only for a minute. Her in Magda’s embrace. Just thinking of this, only this. Not needing to be worrying about her own fears or whatever else could be on her mind. “I’m just always falling around you huh?” 

“Luckily I’m always there to catch you.” Magda replies back huskily, matching Pernilles whisper. 

Their whole interaction is dorky and sounds like something out of a rom com and Pernille would laugh if not for the fact that she can feel Magda’s breath on her skin as she speaks softly in her raspy voice and it is giving her chills (which she also finds is incredibly distracting). Their faces are so close now and she can feel the heat radiating from Magda’s body, instantly warming her up from the loss of heat that the now abandoned blanket had provided. 

Neither says another word for a second or two, not wanting to disrupt whatever trance they are in. What feels like hours has passed before Pernille is brave enough to break the silence. 

“I guess you could say I’m falling for you.” She says, a hint of laughter in her voice. 

“What?” Magda says, louder this time. Pernille sees recognition on her face, like she’s hoping what she thinks Pernille is saying is true. She takes this as a sign to just go ahead and say what she’s been wanting to say all night. 

“The flowers Magda, they were from me. I’m your secret administer.” 

Pernille observes Magda as she fully comprehends what this means. She watches as Magda’s face scrunches up for a second before transforming into a grin. Wow, she is so beautiful. Even with no makeup on, her hair thrown up into a messy pony, and wearing a t-shirt and sweats, she is the most beautiful women Pernille has ever seen. Just looking at her right now, Pernille uses every ounce of restraint she has left in her body to not sternly tell Magda to kiss her this instant or if she doesn’t she’ll take matters into her own hands. 

“You?” Magda points at Pernille. She wants to come back with a sly remark, but nothing comes to her and she’s at a loss of words. 

“Yeah.” Pernille is finally able to croak out, the words getting caught in her throat. 

“I’ve kinda sorta been having these feelings for you.” Pernille says stumbling over her words, finally able to get any words out that make sense. “And it’s okay if you don’t, but I just didn’t want to tell you sooner because I was so scared it would ruin our friendship and I really can’t lose you Magda.” 

“You have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear those words.” 

It’s like her dreams are finally being answered when she feels Magda’s hands on her face, hovering there for a moment, her thumb brushing softly against her cheeks. Pernille moves her own hands to Magda’s waist right as Magda’s lips come crashing into hers. It starts soft, but as she leans into the kiss, Magda deepens it and it quickly becomes more. 

Their lips move in sync as they are desperate for more, more of each other. Magda’s hands are all over as she takes control. Pernille has now moved her hands to Magda’s face and Magda’s have moved to her waist, slipping under the hem of her shirt, just enough that it makes Pernille want more. 

After awhile, Magda softens the kiss and they both catch themselves smiling into it. Out of breath, they both reluctantly pull apart. 

“I think you should go.” 

Pernilles heart drops. Did she totally just take that the wrong way? Weren’t they just making out? For a solid amount of time too. She’s sure she wasn’t subtle with the frown on her face because as soon Magda notices, she takes Pernilles hands in hers, subconsciously rubbing her thumb against Pernilles hand. 

“No, no not like that.” Magda quickly corrects. The look on her face tells Pernille she’s a bit offended that Pernille thought she would just blow her off like that. “I meant to say that you should leave because, well this may sound a little old fashioned but I’d like to take you on a good old romantic date first.” 

“Only if you’d like.” She quickly adds. Pernille can’t help the wide grin that covers her face. This is all so natural and she can’t believe she spent all that wasted time doubting this.  

“Wow Magda your just a big old softy aren’t you.” Pernille quips back. Their normal banter returning. 

“Only for you.” Magdas face seems to redden as she says this and Pernille feels the need to flirt a little further. 

“Oh yeah I bet you say that to all the girls.” Magdas face reddens further and she gives Pernille a shy smile. Pernille leans back into the couch, proud of the way she seems to have an affect on Magda. 

“No I don’t actually.” 

“Oh umm.” Pernille says a bit flustered. All this flirting has affected her in some let’s say not so pg like ways. “Well, of course I’d love to go. I’ve sorta had a thing for you for awhile if you hadn’t noticed.” 

“Oh I’ve noticed.” She says sarcastically before giving Pernille a chaste kiss. It’s just a short kiss, only lasting a second or two, but it feels so natural like they do it everyday before starting their day or before going to bed at night. 

“Ok well you better get going before you change your mind.” Magda says. 

“What makes you say that?” Pernille replies back, digging further. 

“You’ll see if you stay.” Magda says smirking.

“But what if I do stay?” She seems to have taken Magda by surprise, even if that’s not at all what she meant. “No… I um… I didn’t mean it like that.” Pernille is now the one with a red face. “It’s just that I don’t really want to leave you yet if that makes sense. Can’t we just sit and talk like normal? With also maybe a little of this?” She says, feeling more confident now, pressing another chaste kiss to Magda’s lips. 

“Of course, I’d love that.” Magda smiles. 

Pernille concludes that her habit of falling has paid off. For once, Pernille is thankful for her clumsiness. If not for her fall and their somewhat dorky interaction this night might have gone very differently. 

They lay there on the couch together. Magdas arm curled around Pernille as Pernilles arm snakes around Magdas midsection and she leans her head against Magdas shoulder. They talk about nothing and everything. Pernille decides that she never wants this night to end and she wants to capture it in her brain so she can remember it forever. 

“Who was your first kiss?” Magda asks, looking at Pernille. Pernille laughs, knowing that Magda will definitely use this against her some day. 

“It’s so embarrassing.” Pernille doesn’t hesitate to tell the truth with Magda though. “So I was 14 and I was with this boy in the kitchen in my house. For some reason he thought it was a good idea to lean in and kiss me for the first time while my parents were in the other room. We were in the kitchen so we were sitting on chairs and when I leaned in and kissed him I sort of tipped over in the chair and fell into him.” Pernille looks over at Magda to see her reaction. No surprise she is trying to hold back her laughter. “My parents then came into the kitchen to see what all the commotion was about and found me on top of him on the kitchen floor, chairs lying on the ground beside us.” 

“Go ahead, laugh it’s funny.” Magda bursts into the most intense laughing fit after Pernille gives her permission. 

“Was the kiss even good?” Magda says through her laughter. 

“No, it was horrible. So not worth it.” Pernille replies, now laughing herself. 

“Okay, so I don’t think mine will top that.” Magda proposes, after both of their laughter has quieted down. “Technically my first kiss was when I was 14 too. It was the basic young kids date. We went to the movies and then he kissed me after the movie was done. Nothing special, nothing magical. But then, when I was 16, I kissed a girl for the first time. It was at an overnight soccer training camp in the middle of the night by the lake. Now that was magical.” 

“Well the variety in our stories tells you that I was always this clumsy. Are you sure you still want to be seen with me?” 

“Always.” Magda kisses Pernille again. She doesn’t think she’ll ever get over how good this feels, to finally be able to kiss Magda. There’s a lot of unknowns and things that they haven’t talked about yet, but right now everything is perfect and it’s like all is well in the universe. Nothing has felt more right to Pernille than this and she hopes that never changes.