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I Shouldn't Love you Anymore

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Derek has only cried a few times in his entire life. Enough that he can count it all on one had. When his family was burned alive, Boyd was killed, getting married to Stiles and then getting his heart torn apart by Stiles.

Looking down at the photos taken on their wedding day, Derek feels like he’s on the verge of crying. He tosses them back into the shoebox and shoves that under his bed. Having the box under his bed isn’t the wisest choice. It feels like every time he walks into the room the box is haunting him; reminding him of the days when he was happy when things were better, when Stiles hadn’t… A tear slips down his cheek, and Derek rubs at his so furiously that his cheek starts going raw from the harsh rubbing. Standing up he leaves the room so he doesn’t get the urge to open up the box and pull out the shirt Derek stole.

It’s pathetic.

He’s pathetic.

Keeping a shirt that Stiles use to wear all the time around the house, the human wore it so much his scent is practically ingrained in the piece of fabric. He should just throw it away. Maybe burn it. But the moment his fingers touch it he’s rendered useless, his wolf whines and howls for Stiles to come back. It makes him go insane with want and yearning. The feeling of being slowly buried alive. But Stiles isn’t coming back, he’s moved on with his life while Derek’s stuck in time. Like a dinosaur who walked right into a pt of tar and is slowly dying of starvation until they finally just drown in the pit. Stiles may have moved on, but Derek was stuck. He couldn’t move on. He was stuck still loving Stiles because they were-

They were-

He can’t even say the word without breaking down.

Sipping the now cold tea he left in the kitchen, Derek gets lost gazing out the window. After the divorce, Derek made himself vanish from everyone’s lives. He couldn’t go to pack meetings without thinking of Stiles, couldn’t talk to Scott or the Sheriff to help out with the most recent monster of the week without thinking of Stiles, infant he couldn’t be anywhere near or around Beacon Hills without thinking of Stiles. The pain was too much for him to handle. So he chucked his phone off a bridge, moved to some remote location in the woods and wolf his car. He just wanted to be alone after all that happened, living seemed too much for him so now he was here in his cabin. Stuck. Crystalized forever.

He’s not supposed to love Stiles anymore.

Stiles made his peace after they divorced, after he broke Derek’s heart. No. That’s to light of a way to put it. Too gentle, makes it sound like what they had was a high school romance, but that’s not what it was at all. At least not too Derek. Stiles didn’t break his heart, he demolish-annihilated his heart. There was nothing to pick up once Stiles had slaughtered him, and he woke up to an aching gap in his chest. When Derek thought too hard about the ache he thought about the last conversation he had with stiles before vanishing.

They had been sitting in the house they had bought together, signing the divorce papers. Derek struggling to even finish writing his name as his hands trembled with hot white anger. When he finished with the last paper, Derek had thrown the pen across the room watching the thing shatter against the wall, ink splattering against the tan wall.

“Dude! We still have to sell this thing, don’t damage it.” Stiles snapped at him.

“We? There is no ‘we’ anymore Stiles. I don’t care about the damage. It’s yours. Everything’s yours. Just take it all with you, or throw it away, it’s not like it matters to you anymore.”

Sighing, Stiles reached out to place a hand on Derek’s shoulder, only for the werewolf to recoil from he touch. If Stiles had touched him he wouldn’t have fought anymore, he would have folded in half and break down right in front of the human. Stiles made him weak. He made him human. But apparently Stiles didn’t seem to care about any of that, now did he?

“You were the only person I could trust, Stiles.” Derek growled half heartedly, the anger burned inside him but the pain wasn’t easy to ignore. The wolf inside of him felt like it was tearing his insides apart, leaving him wide open. He left after that, slamming the door hard enough he could hear the wood shake beneath his fury.

Sighing, Derek set the tea down and looked over to the couch where it was stacked with chains to hold him.

It was the full moon tonight and Derek didn’t know if he could hold the wolf back anymore. Last full moon he almost lost himself too the animal, but now as the moon begins to rise he thinks, ‘Would it really be so bad?’

He’d be ok with loosing himself. Stiles would have been dissappointed in him for giving up, but Stiles isn’t here anymore. Stiles doesn’t care anymore. This time when the moon rises, Derek lets the animal loose. He goes feral, claws and teeth shredding his last bit of humanity as he cries to the moon. Being a wolf is freeing; the ache is still there but he doesn’t think about it as much, can’t think of it was much when all the wolf want’s to do is run and hunt. So he let’s himself get lost, he forgets his life as a human, he forgets his name.

But most importantly he forgets Stiles.

~~

3 Weeks Later

The Wolf smells something strange in his territory. It growls and snaps at the air when it’s nose picks up the scent too close to his den. The wolf does not remember much. It thinks it had a name, or perhaps lived somewhere else. But the wolf knows that if he tries to remember that bad-pain-ache-hurt-no comes back and the wolf does not enjoy the unfamiliar ache in its chest. It growls and tracks the scent hoping to scare off whatever is rummaging in his den. When the wolf gets a few feet from its den it growls sharper when it smells another wolf, ‘bad smell’ the wolf thinks to itself. Not good.

The rummaging stops and then a two legged creature comes running out of the wolfs den. He has seen these weird things before, the two legs are tall but easy to scare once they see him, so he snarls and snaps. But the two leg does not run. Instead it shouts and makes strange noises the wolf does not understand. A noise catches his attention and he snaps his head to the side to bare teeth at the other wolf, strange-wolf-who-walks-on-two-legs seems confused by his warming and tries to flash red eyes. They seem familiar to the wolf, but the strange-Alpha-two-leg doesn’t deter his hackles from rising, he has no pack-at least not one he remembers.

Loud-two-leg takes a step closer which get Alpha-two-leg to make a noise that sounds like a warning. But Loud-two-leg is either braver than it looks or stupider. The wolf gets ready to pounce and maul the two leg when he catches wind of the scent.

It makes his body freeze up because he knows that scene. The wolf sleeps on a soft bedding made from that scent. That scent brings along bad-ache-pain and makes him feel weak and upset, but this same smell makes him feel things too hard to comprehend as a wolf.

“Derek? Derek are you in there? Give me a sign, please, anything?” Loud-two-leg says to him, the wolf understands simple words and the sound it makes brings back that ache.

The wolf whines when Loud-two-leg gets closer, he can’t fight back, all his instincts scream at him to lick two-legs face or bury himself against that scent. So he does neither and watches as the Loud-two-leg gets closer and closer, a strangely flawed hand reaches out and when he thinks he’s about to be attacked the wolf is frozen when the hands are gentle to touch.

Hands.

Yes. That’s what they’re called.

Loud-two-leg continues to gently pet and caress the wolf until his hackles have lowered and he’s found himself pressing closer into that touch. When Alpha-two-leg tries to step closer he snaps and snarls, pushing Loud-two-leg behind him so he can protect that good-ache-smell. Loud-two-leg squawks and makes another sound that sounds like a wolf pup yipping. Maybe Alpha-two-leg and Loud-two-leg are packmates, but the wolf does not care, Loud-two-leg is his!

Alpha-two-leg walks away after exchanging strange sounds with Loud-two-leg and all the wolf can think is, ‘Good riddance.’ He waits for a time until he’s sure the other wolf is gone before whipping around to push Loud-two-leg down on the ground and roll their scents together. Loud-two-leg huffs and says something but again the wolf does not understand the strange noises Loud-two-leg is making but he feels comforted by them and presses his muzzle against the two legs throat to comfort it. The two leg sighs, a hand reaching up to scratch at the wolf’s fur while continuing to make the noises. The wolf ignores the sounds enough that they become a buzzing sound to him, like when he listens to the woods at night and only hears the chirping crickets, the owls hooting and some of the nocturnal animals moving about.

“Derek.”

The wolf startles at the noise-no, the name. The wolf knows it was something other long ago, once it even understood the noises Loud-two-leg are making right now, but that one word strikes a chord. It makes him…remember…That aching feeling comes back and the wolf-Derek-wolf-Derek-it hurts! He snarls and jumps off Loud-two-leg-smell-good as he feels his skin begin to crawl, bones creaking and his teeth grinding in pain. When his body is done shifting and changing the wolf-Derek; his name is Derek and he…

Derek growls, blue eyes flashing at Stiles who is still sitting on the ground with his mouth open like a fish out of water, “What are you doing here. Haven’t you hurt me enough. I was just fine-“

“Fine? Holy shit, Derek, the little cabin you ‘lived’ in is in ruins. I had to track you by your car-which you sold three towns over, and then Scott heard something about a wolf living out here. He followed your scent to this shit hole, and when we find you your feral! Derek you didn’t even know who I was-how long-how long have you been out here likes this?”

“Does it matter?”

Stiles glares, “Of course it do-“

“Does it?” He snaps, claws extending and fangs begging to drop. Derek knows he would never harm Stiles, but he can’t stand being around him for long or else he becomes human again. “You wanted the divorce re-“

“Derek! That wasn’t me!”

What?

“What?”

Scrubbing at his face, Stiles breathes out through his nose before explaining, “A shaman kidnapped me when I was coming home work and kind of Harry Pottered us by making something that was like polyjuice, and was living as me for months. And then Peter came by after hearing we divorced to kill me, which ended up being how the pack found out it wasn’t me when he found the man changing from me to himself. He was trying to destroy our pack, and almost did until Peter came.” Stiles huffs, “I’m actually-and don’t tell him this, or I’ll ban sex forever-but I’m actually really grateful he came to kill other me when he thought we divorced.”

“How long?” He grits his teeth, “How long has he been you, did you-“

“Derek, if I really wanted a divorce would I have spent the last week spending every second of the day looking for you? Would I have dropped everything all together the moment I heard what the shaman did to you-to us? Just to come here and find you-”

Without waiting for Stiles to continue Derek leaps at the man, teeth clacking as they kiss, Stiles making a noise that goes from startled to pleasure when Derek swipes his tongue against the inside of his mouth. They lay like that for a while just kissing and touch, Derek’s primal need to rub his scent all over Stiles until those other strange scents aren’t driving him crazy, or Stiles just running his fingers through Derek’s too long beard and commenting how the werewolf could be the next Tarzan. They’re interrupted when Scott comes back and chokes as he sees Derek shoving his tongue down Stiles throat, “Seriously guys? Can we go now?”

“Fine. Fine.” Stiles mentions off handedly, before pointing a finger at Derek, “When we get back home we’re having so much sex. I mean all the sex.”

“Ok, Stiles.” Derek grins, stopping as he follows them back to the car to run back to the house and pull out the shoebox that he kept. He sighed in relief when he found all the contents still inside and intact. When Stiles raised a questioning eyebrow at him, Derek opened the box to show him the wedding ring and photos he kept.

“God, you massive sap. I love you so much.” Stiles tells him, tears in his eyes.