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the memior of a broken-hearted spare

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Broken.

Confused.

Alone.

Unloved.

Unwanted.

These were all the things that thirteen-year-old Aster Phantomhive could think about as he sat with his loyal demon butler, Sebastian, and one of his only allies left in the world; Lau, his heart heavy with despair and confusion, completely lost within the world. For the past few days, the three had been plotting and planning against his big brother, Ciel, who had come back only four days prior to reclaim his title and position as Earl of Phantomhive, as well as assert his dominance to his little, 'frail' brother. When he had come back, Ciel had taken everything from him.

 

His so-called 'friends', allies, family, and hell- even the entire damning nation against him, all in one night! He had been stripped of his Earldom, lost all of his belongings, his manor, his hard work, his company, his.....Family.

His support.

His love.

His Everything.

Ciel just had to come back, and steal all that away from him, didn't he? He had to take away the only 'happiness' he had left in this world before that blasted demon of his would swallow his soul in exchange for revenge...And worst of all? The entire time, all the friends he made, the bonds he had created, everything he had done- It all belonged to Ciel.

Everything.

Everything was Ciel's, even in death. His home, friends, family, company, EVERYTHING.

But that wasn't even the worst part... Not only had Ciel taken all that, but he had also taken something....No, someone, that he had come to realize that was the most important thing in his pathetic life. The only person that could truly make him smile joyfully again. The only person that could make his heart race and flutter in anticipation of their arrival. The only person that could make him sing. The only person that could make him dance. The only person that had made him feel like him. The only person that had ever made him happy. The girl that had stolen his heart........

What was her name again....?

Oh, that's right....

Lizzy.

But...She doesn't love me anymore- no, she never has...She's only ever loved one of us, and that had always been Ciel.....

To her, I'm nothing...Nothing more than his stupid spare..... A horrible liar, really. I've always hated it, really.....Whenever she runs to me happily, envelops me in one of her wonderful hugs, and dots my face with those kisses of her's.....

Only to be called by HIS name. I'm selfish. Can't you tell? All I've ever wanted was for her to run to ME happily, envelopes ME in one of her wonderful hugs, and dots MY face with those kisses of her's. I want it to be all about ME, never about HIM. But she'll never love me.

 

For I am nothing more than his spare.

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The poor, quiet boy would sit there, on one of Lau's many couches, as he contemplated his many, many thoughts clouding his brain.

 

The child, in all honesty, had no idea what he was going to do anymore.

His horrible brother had taken every little thing he had, laughing all the way.

 

He was the liar....?

Ciel was a liar.

He promised that he wouldn't get in trouble, that it'd be alright...That he wouldn't be blamed for a thing...That...Ciel......Loved him.....He promised dammit, he PROMISED.

And what did he do....?

He let him get thrown away.

Blamed.

Chewed out.

Beaten up.

Everyone in London believed that he was the culprit of the murders of Sphere Music Hall, as well as planned to come back as Ciel for horrible, unknown reasons.

Why would they blame him? A child....?

Did they have nothing better to do than tear him apart...?

He wanted nothing more than to curl up into a ball and die.

 

It hurt.

So fucking badly.

Why did everyone leave him?

Most importantly, why did the so-called love of his life throw him away, too...? He shared things that he hadn't dared to tell other than Sebastian...Things he was terrified to say because he was afraid of what people would say.

But of course, SHE never cared for that.

SHE loved 'me'.

Wanted 'him' to be happy...

I protected her, loved her-

And for what?

For nothing....?

 

 

Oh dear, what did she think of him now...?

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The small child, the former earl, had obeyed her when she had asked him to step away from the door, to get to him.

 

Shaking and terrified, he'd do exactly as he was asked to.

He was terrified out of his mind, wasn't he?

Was she even really here....?

Was this all a dream?

 

For the past several days, all he had ever wanted was nothing more than to see her again. To envelope her in a hug, and apologize for everything he had ever done, no matter how little.

From when he was a little boy, and she wanted, for once, to play with him and he had declined, holding his favorite stuffed rabbit away from her, in his tiny arms.

She only ever wants to play with Ciel. She's only talking to me because Ciel is busy, and can't play with her- she doesn't like me, not at all! Only Ciel! Ciel, Ciel, Ciel! That's what it'll only ever be. I'm nothing to her, just a dumb spare- just like how I am to everyone else!

 

All the way from when 'it' had happened.

When I had become Ciel for everyone else's sake.

How foolish am I...?

Most importantly, I hurt Lizzy...

I should have just died.

I hate that blasted, stupid demon.

He never planned to be fair from the start.

He likes to see me suffer.

He likes to belittle me.

He likes to make my life hell.

He doesn't care for me.

Oh, what I'd give to never summon him.

Just like everyone else that 'claimed' to adore me so when I was I was Ciel.

Ciel.

Ciel.

I hate Ciel.

The thought ringed in the boy's ears, seemingly neverending.

 

He hurt me.

He took my happiness away.

He gets everything.

I gave him life.

Success.

Pride.

Wealth.

Happiness.

A happy Lizzy.

I gave Ciel everything, to make him happy.

But what does that blasted Ciel do with everything I've given him?

Threw me away.

Let me take the blame.

It hurts.

I want to cry.

.

.

.

Lizzy is going to hurt me too. 

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'I don't love him'

'I only love Aster'

 

Was all the tiny former earl heard before she wrapped his arms around the younger boy? His heart racing, scared and confused...Terrified even, the child would shake his head, grabbing ahold of a chair nearby and pulling himself free.

"Liar...."

The boy whispered softly, refusing to even simply look up at the girl that owned his heart.

"You don't love me. Y-You only love Ciel. That's who you only ever loved...That's who everyone loves...Ciel. Not Aster. No one loves Aster.....Everyone hates Aster....They t-threw him away, and let him t-take t-he blame...."

The child whispered, as if in a trance, practically staring into nothingness as he shook with pure fear and hurt.

"Aster is nothing to everyone...Aster i-is the spare.....Ciel is everything...Ciel is the earl...Aster d-d-id everything for Ciel, so Ciel w-w-ould have a good life....Aster thought Ciel deserved h-happiness...S-S-o Aster gave him everything that h-he had...."

Aster is nothing.

Aster isn't loved.

Lizzy loves Ciel.

Never Aster.

Aster. Is. Nothing.

"Aster g-gave him a company, respect, h-happiness, wealth, a-a happy domain...A happy Lizzy.....B-But Ciel didn't care what Aster did...Ciel doesn't care that Aster loved him...Ciel doesn't care....H-He doesn't care...N-No one does...."

I am nothing.

Everyone hates me.

I'm not Ciel.

I'm Aster.

"Aster was never l-loved.....H-He's the s-s-pare.....A-A- bloody criminal....An m-murderer- e-e-veryone i-is out to use and a-a-buse h-im, j-just like before......."

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"Everyone loves Ciel. Ev-eryone hates Aster."

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"I-I know, Lizzy...And i-it....I-I know how badly you wish to help and p-protect but you can't...No one, absolutely no one can s-s-ave me...Lizzy, didn't you h-ear me....?"

 

He'd ask, not even bothering to wipe his ever-flowing tears away after Lizzy had told him that she was going to protect him, no matter the cost...Promising that she'd never, ever let anything bad ever get to the younger- that she'd be his knight. She had asked him what his soul had anything to do with being on the run from the Yard, his brother, and overall- the entire nation...Clearly beyond confused.

He'd stare at her, shaking his head before practically yanking off his eyepatch, and slowly, yet shakily, opened his left eye...Only to reveal not a scar, not a burn, or even an empty hole....

But a whole, perfectly healthy eye.

Only that instead of the other eye's beautiful sapphire, it was a lovely amethyst...With a dimly-lit pentagram in the middle.

 

"I-I sold my s-s-oul in exchange for revenge, th-hose three years ago...I was s-s-o scared and desperate...F-F-or any fucking way out of t-that hell hole...People came to our home, and killed everyone....Mother, Father.....Our dog, all the staff. everyone....."

 

He'd take a deep breath, mentally preparing himself to give his answer, after Lizzy had asked what had happened, during that month when he and his elder brother had been missing. A thousand thoughts raced through the younger's head as he gathered couraged to finally tell, though he doubted he wouldn't regret it afterward.

"They took Ciel and I away...We were sold to a man who fed, cleaned and clothed us....I thought w-w-e were saved, but I was wrong...S-S-o fucking wrong- he took us to a 'party', and t-they.....H-Hurt us s-s--so b-adly....They raped us for hours and t-then they branded us, j-just like animals...."

 

He'd confess like a waterfall, starting to sob.

 

"T-Then they p-put us in cages, w-ith other children....T-They beat, tortured, r-raped and ex-x-perimented on us for that month...A-A-nd then, that d-d-ay came.....They t-t-ook Ciel away, to an alter.......A-A-nd t-hey killed him...L-Lizzy, C-iel is a monster- he's d-ead, d-d-ead, dead! G-one and murdered, r-r-ight b-efore my eyes...!"

He told her, sobbing hysterically as an ocean of tears streamed down his cheeks, as Lizzy listened, her eyes wide with shock and horror, staring at the younger boy, not knowing what to say as she listened to him, her hands holding his as he spoke, letting him squeeze her hands as hard as he wanted to, not once bringing it up that it ached- she didn't care.

Ciel is all gone.

Dead.

Gone.

"With him, t-t-hey summoned a-a demon...H-He came t-o me and said I p-ayed my way to use him.....S-So I-I made a deal- t-t-o hurt everyone t-t-hat hurt Ciel and I....To make t-t-hem suffer the pain and embarrassment w-w-e did, for taking everything from us! His service helping me find them, a-a-and to discover why they did, and t-then I'd be t-t-he one to end them....H-His payment...."

 

I feel numb.

My heart hurts.

 

The child would collapse, sobbing harder.

"I-Is m-my soul.......I-I'm so fucking sorry f-f-or being s-s-o horrible.....P-Please f-f-orgive me, Lizzy!"

 

I'm pathetic.

I hate myself.

I caused so many people pain.

I deserve what's coming to me.

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Sebastian stood in front of the sobbing teen, a soft smirk on his lips as he'd watch her cry out in agony as she learned the truth- and connected the dots together, not knowing what to feel except pure hatred, as his *pathetic* young master cried like an infant on its first day of life.

 

"Why....?"

 

The demon, flashing his blood-red eyes with cat-like slits for the first time in front of her (Elizabeth), unable to contain that smile of his.

"He needed a way out of that hell those humans put him through, didn't he...? Without me, you do realize that...That pathetic little fiancee of your's would have died of both the heartbreak of losing that puny older brother of his, and after that...Being sacrificed, sharing the same fate as Ciel Phantomhive...."

Sebastian could say, trying to contain his laughter as he watched the pathetic couple, as Aster's love spit curses at the older being, screaming with pure fury and hatred for the demon, simply shaking his head as he'd listen to her worthless threats and insults.

 

"No matter what you do Miss Elizabeth, I shall make sure to claim my reward, just as my master promised he'd give me- servants ought to receive their rewards, he said...And there’s no way in hell I'm going unrewarded for all this work...."

He'd say as Aster laid there, sobbing gently, curled up in a ball as Sebastian came in the room, pushing past Lizzy like she was a rag doll.

 

"Hm...I was right- you really are simply pathetic, aren't you, Master...? You try to act so hard to be the adult that you obviously aren't, only to crumble down to that of a sobbing, annoying, bratty child....Just like how I met you- crying up a storm after you lost your horrible older brother....Why did you cry for him so, Master? You know what he did to you, all those years ago....."

Aster shook his head, shaking, not wanting to remember what his older brother had done to him, years before, continuously.

"He poisoned you all the time, didn't he....? He loved seeing you so sick and helpless...The only person being able to be with you and comfort you...Take care of yourself..."

"N-No, NO! C-Ciel w-w-ould never h-urt me like that, you b-b-loody lia-"

"You remember, don't you...? Your milk tasted funny whenever Ciel gave it to you...Too sweet, right....? Too sweet to be honey.......?"

 

"S-S-HUT UP,  Y-Y-OU DISGUSTING, OOZING SORE OF DEPRAV-"

 

"He was obsessed with causing you pain....Agony.....Sickness...Just so you two could be together, forever...So you'd have no choice to stay with him, ever since you were small...So you could never leave his side, hm...?.... He was so obsessed, that he-"

"S-S-top....P-Please...."

 

~

 

"You really looked forward to that boating trip, didn't you...? a shame he took that happiness away from you, just like always.....Ciel has to have everything, doesn't he....?"

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Pathetic.

 

Was all Elizabeth Midford and Aster Phantomhive were to a distinguished demon such as a certain Sebastian Michaelis, as he continued to listen to the girl’s senseless curses, as if they could actually affect him in some, stupid way. She was clearly not all there, as she continued her ramblings, soon crawling to her fiance, and enveloping the younger in her arms, and letting him rest in her lap as Sebastian watched, shaking his head.

 

The butler would roll his eyes in disgust at her actions before smirking, knowing that even though he'd have to stick around for a while, he'd still win in the end, no matter what the pair of brats decided what they could try to stop the younger teen’s eventual,  horrible fate.

A hopeless, strong-tempered, lovesick girl like Elizabeth was completely powerless to save his sorry excuse of a master.

He'd turn a heal, doing what was ordered before leaving to discuss more things with Lau, sighing in annoyance.

 

She was determined to keep him how she wanted to protect Aster, but she failed to remember that he was a powerfully dangerous demon.

All of her feeble attempts to 'save' Aster were fruitless.

~

All Aster could do was listen.

His body, mind- everything hurt

Everything ached in a way.

 

He felt hopeless.

Powerless.

Numb.

 

He had forgotten what those felt like, he realized, as his dear Lizzy held him close.

He'd sob quietly in her arms, his head and heart-pounding as she told him that all she ever wished to do was to see him smile...And that she should have been happy that he had been with her at all.

 

He didn't know what to say to her, the girl he adored so dearly.

In all truth, he too wanted to smile again...Happily.

 

But with his cursed future, could he ever?

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~

 

“I love you too..."

 

Aster would say to the love of his life in a soft whisper, absentmindedly snuggling to get as he felt his eyes droop with tiredness, as she held him close, promising the younger that they’d make it, even though she knew that they...Er, he, wouldn’t. But in Lizzy's opinion, a world without Aster was a world she wouldn’t want to be in.

 

~

 

She had wanted to take her love, and run far, far away with him in tow, far away from all the monsters, all the bad people…

The painful reality was too much for the older girl.

She knew that he had no chance of making it out alive.

 

Even if her love had just a few days left, she wanted him to have a wonderful last.

 

She wanted to pick flowers and make her prince a flower crown.

She wanted to hold her prince by the hand, and watch the clouds with him!

She wanted to play hide n’ seek with him!

 

Being together, and having a better life ...That's all Lizzy wanted. She wanted nothing more than to pick her little prince up, and carry him far, far away from this hell. To go to a place where they could play together, forever, just like the inner children in her ...And maybe even him wanted.

Maybe then, she could give him the childhood he never had.

Oh, how sweet and ignorant her thoughts sounded….

 

"I'm r-eally tired, Lizzy..."

 

He whispered softly, the last of the tears he had falling beautifully as he spoke to her, enjoying her warmth.

They'd be there like that for what seemed like forever, in each other's arms, safe from harm's way, and in each other's grasp....

At least there was a little bit of happiness there.

"I want to run away from everything...from this mess, from Sebastian, from everyone...If I didn't have this contract, I could run as far as I'd like from this stupid place, and we could be together..."

 

The child mused, smiling softly as he felt himself growing more tired.

"We could play, too...I never got to play outside as Ciel could...If we ran away, I could play just like him...."

 

He'd giggle softly, adorably, just like the child he was.

 

 

"Wouldn't that be splendid, Lizzy...? We could play together for as long as we liked without all those horrible, disgusting adults that want to take advantage of us...We could be free of everything."

 

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"If I could live any life, Lizzy, if want that one."

~

 

It was nice to know that even after everything, we both have the same wishes….

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It was late the next afternoon when Aster had finally woken up again.

 

After Lau found the young couple, he had been kind enough to help Lizzy and Aster to another room where they could sleep for the night, or however long they had needed to- which in all honesty, he felt like it would be a while...And if it was...Well, the Chinese man was trying to figure out if he should give them some type of work to do...? If he did, he should make sure it wasn't serving, like before ...Who knew the former Earl could be so clumsily and utterly useless?

One of Lau's workers came in and dressed them both in fresh nightclothes- and put them both in the same bed, Aster was already fast asleep as he was laid down carefully next to her.

Lizzy would sit there, lost in her own thoughts as she played with her long, wavy golden hair which she had let down a bit earlier.

In all honesty?

She was worried.

No......That wasn't the correct word choice....

More like terrified!

After all, her fiance, the love of her life was practically being targeted by all of Britain for """stealing""" his elder brother's identity, tax fraud, and most ridiculous of all, all the deaths caused by the bloody Sphere Music Hall (no pun intended)!

Who on earth could be so evil as to push all those charges on Aster, who wasn't only traumatized, to begin with from that one month, but he was still barely a teenager as it was- he was a child!

Honestly, she couldn't help but not only be furious at herself for accusing him of being a liar earlier, but also not standing up for him when no one else had, when he was accused of everything- especially when that disgusting, horrible man, Skye Blavat, had accused Aster of being Lord Sirius!

 

....Especially when 'Lord Sirius' happened to be that horrible ex of mine, Ciel. Looking back, yes, he was a wonderful friend back then, and he truly loved and cared for me ...But this is too far ...It's disgusting. I won't stand for this anymore. I can't believe I ever did. I'm despicable. 

 

How Ciel was acting, was nothing like Ciel she knew, all those years ago...From what she heard from Mama and Papa, when they had talked with Ciel after Aster and his servants successfully ran away, Ciel (and Undertaker) had been acting insanely suspicious! Mama had said that honestly if she were able to hear Aster's side ...Even if she couldn't, she felt like Aster would tell them the truth, and tell them whatever the hell was actually happening, rather than continuing to cover up, and (ironically) lie, lie, lie!

Somehow, she didn't know how it had happened, not even in the slightest, but after what seemed like centuries of being lost in her thoughts, Lizzy finally drifted off to sleep...

~

The next day, late in the morning, Lizzy would be awoken to have breakfast by one of Lau's workers, to which Aster was simply allowed to sleep the entire time...For obvious reasons...

She felt insanely guilty leaving him, but she knew that he needed to rest...Lizzy wondered the last time he had even found time to sit down, let alone sleep- she had never seen someone with bags under his eyes as heavy, or as dark as his!

Throughout breakfast, she'd find herself rushing as fast as she could, even accidentally spilling some jam on her nightgown! After twenty minutes of painstakingly sitting through breakfast, and having to be in the same room as a disgusting, repulsive demon (Sebastian), she quickly thank Lau for the food, sneak a couple pieces of bacon and a slice of buttered toast on a small plate, and forgetting to curtsy- all before rushing off to her love.

Soon enough, she'd race back to the room they were put in, only to see that Aster was still curled up in bed, fast asleep with what Lizzy would consider a 'cute' smile on his face.

Lizzy gently put the food she had snuck up for him to eat on a nearby nightstand, before crawling into bed and taking a seat next to him with a soft grin on her petal-pink lips.

 

He, for the first time in forever seemed...Happy.

He looks adorable.

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Oh, how Lizzy adored that smile of his.