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To Save the Earth

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“Sorry to cut you off,” Bond said pithily, ducking past the dastardly villain’s sword and hitting him with an uppercut so forceful that the fiend went out cold.

Standing dashingly over the downed villain, Bond adjusted his cuffs. “It seems I have to save the Earth.”

(“Oh, the entire Earth? I thought the man was just an arms dealer.”

“You know how these things escalate. Now be quiet.”)

Quickly, Bond assessed what he knew of the compound and headed toward the storeroom. He needed to put a stop to the shipment of bombs going out.

In order to save the Earth.

When he arrived, he artfully deduced how to open the storeroom door–

(“That’s not how it happened.”

“She’s right.”

“How would either of you know?”

“I was on comms, remember?”

“And I was there.”)

When Bond arrived at the storeroom door, he found Moneypenny—who had been helpfully keeping the henchmen at bay while Bond had been having it out with an arms dealer who for some reason fought with a sword—waiting with the code. She had managed to locate it in the compound’s files, utilizing skills she’d learned working in an office, so her desk job has actually been quite helpful, thank you very much.

“Need a hand?” Moneypenny asked, opening the door for Bond.

“Excellent work, Moneypenny,” Bond said, for a moment dropping his unnecessarily stoic façade. “Though it’s hard for me to say out loud, I’m grateful for your help and I value you as a friend and a teammate.”

(“I didn’t say that. Don’t put words in my mouth.”

“I’m paraphrasing.”

“I hear you snickering over there, Q.”)

Moneypenny glowed with the compliments. “And even though I’ll never say it out loud and we’ve agreed we’re better off not sleeping together, I do find you devilishly attractive and spectacularly good at what you do.”

(“Now who’s putting words in whose mouth?”

“I’m paraphrasing.”

“You’re both ridiculous. Can we just move this along?”)

Moneypenny and 007 gained access to the storeroom and assessed the situation with assistance from Q branch.

“There are six men total: two on the east end, one on the west, two by the loading door, and one approaching in front from two aisles away,” Q reported. “007, do you still have your weapon?”

“I do not. I threw it away when I ran out of ammunition because I have little regard for your department’s budget or hard work,” Bond answered promptly.

“I still have my weapon because I take much better care of my belongings,” Moneypenny added.

(“Thank you, Q.”

“No, do not thank Q, the loss of my Walther was an unavoidable accident–”

“Isn’t it always?”

“–and it isn’t as though it slowed us down any.”)

Considering they were in a munitions storeroom, it was very easy to find a new weapon for Bond to use – a very nice new weapon that Bond would bring back to Q and that Q would be very pleased with.

Using said weapon, Bond quickly dispatched the gangsters in the storeroom—with some help from Moneypenny—until it came to a standoff between him and the men guarding the truck filled with explosives.

“Be careful where you point your weapon, 007, the load on the truck is very sensitive,” Q warned breathily in Bond’s ear. “I’d like you to make it back in one piece so we can have dinner and discuss how the way you took out those goons has made me hot and bothered.”

(“I did not say that!”

“Well that’s what I heard.”

“Then you’re delusional! I would never invite you to dinner over the comms, for one–”

“You should consider it. I’d accept, if you offered.”

“–that would be highly unprofessional, and I–”

“Now wait, why did it just come down to a standoff between you and the men guarding the truck? I was bloody there, too, you–”


The bickering ceased and three heads swiveled to face M, who was sitting behind his desk looking very like he was contemplating having a drink during working hours.

“I called you three in here to find out why there is a smoking hole in Ukraine where an arms dealer’s compound was when instructions specifically stated to save as much as possible so it could be seized as evidence.” M ground out. “Who blew the bombs?”

“There may have been, ah – some completely and entirely unavoidable remote interference,” Q said, addressing the ceiling as he spoke.

“I have no idea. Apparently, I wasn’t even there.” Moneypenny shrugged.

“It was inevitable, really. That many explosives in one place,” Bond said, entirely nonchalant. “I’d write it off as an unavoidable cost of the mission, if I were you.”

M sighed. “Everyone get out of my office.”

Gratefully, they did so.)

And thus, the Earth was saved, thanks to James Bond.

(“And Eve Moneypenny.”

“And Q.”

“Yes, fine.”)