hyunjin takes his time in falling asleep. he lets his eyes stay open as long as they can while he stares up, up into the ceiling and watches the light. it’s not on, so he’s essentially staring at nothing in the dark and straining his eyes, and his breaths are even but not to a point where he feels tired, where he feels the need to rest. his hands lie atop his chest and go up and down with his breathing, a 1 2 3 then a 3 2 1, and even though hyunjin knows he’s breathing he still thinks that maybe he isn’t doing it right.
lately, it seemed, he was doing everything wrong.
and maybe it’s not everything, but it’s things that hyunjin is too paranoid to not notice, things that are too important to brush off. like a wrong move in their new choreo that threw everyone else off, the wrong turn he’d gave the confused driver which made them very late to their show, the wrong thing he’d ordered at the restaurant because jeongin was allergic and couldn’t even eat it.
but with mistakes like those come forgiveness, gentle pats on the back and easy going smiles that promise ‘ it’s okay.’
or maybe the only wrong thing he’s doing is not talking to jisung, which cascades into a domino effect that leads the other members rolling like marbles at the force of his accidental push.
it’s weird, their relationship, because if hyunjin doesn’t talk to jisung then jisung won’t to him, and vice versa. they give each other lingering stares that hold so much but at the same time break away from each other, pretend as if burning gazes were never lighted.
hyunjin doesn’t understand jisung. doesn’t understand himself, really. it’s not as if they have a long history, no, just the slowly developing turn their relationship has gone in, but hadn’t they acknowledged it back then? hadn’t he kissed jisung and jisung has kissed him back? hadn’t the younger boy been the first to confess all those months ago with the resonating sound of his ‘i love you’ across the walls that made hyunjin believe ‘maybe this is the rest of my life?’
it seemed like a dull dream, because hyunjin, for whatever reason, refused to talk to jisung until he found out what to say, and jisung in turn kept mum. they didn’t fight, the last time they had spoken jisung had pressed a long, hard and lingering kiss to hyunjin’s mouth and seared them shut for the rest of the day, and hyunjin had as well gripped jisung’s waist so tight he was sure the younger had bruises that lasted days.
maybe their spark was temporary. maybe it had went out. maybe it needed to be lighted again, or the match was just a dud that happened to light so ferociously but so quickly until it was out, looking as if it never happened.
hyunjin thinks about jisung’s lips on his, fire sparklers, and hears the vague sound of radio silence before his eyes slip closed and he falls asleep to nothing but the white of the ceiling.
the first thing hyunjin sees when he wakes are large eyes staring back at him.
he’s slow to respond, always is, and he realizes belatedly the weight settled on top of him. it’s evenly distributed and warm but not too heavy to the point where hyunjin feels crushed, but weighted enough where it almost feels blanket like. hyunjin doesn’t need a scientist to know that its jisung.
"sung-ah…" hyunjin mumbles, too tired fully speak, too aware of the boy above him to ignore it. in the very back of his mind, he wonders why jisung is here, now, at the very edge of the morning while the sun has barely come up, when the warm tendrils of sleep still cling to his body and force him to close his eyes again. the wonder, the questioning, it's there , but at the same time hyunjin is just relieved and content; knowing the person he loves— is in love with?— is there now next to him, a warm presence under his arm.
jisung just hums, low and distant, looking down into hyunjin's eyes as if the answers for every question he'd ever had were listed in them, searching. he was beautiful, even with his blue hair faded into a dewy gray and his soft cheeks swollen with sleep, a red crease line running through his left cheek from where it was pressed in hyunjin's shirt. the older boy couldn't help but stare, now more awake and alert, head filling with questions he couldn't bring himself to ask. why are you here? what are we? will you talk to me now, can i talk to you?
do you still love me? because I still love you.
hyunjin wants to ask these questions, so many of them. they are at the tip of his tongue, at the edge of being pushed down a mountain, ready to fall out his lips like leaves falling off tree branches in the fall. yet he hesitates, watches the pretty shimmer in jisung's eyes a little longer, moves his hand from under the blanket to spread it along the curve of jisung's hip bones. can we talk about this?
the question is short lived in his mind, because jisung lowers his head down faster than hyunjin's lips can move. its in a second that their lips are pressed together, the soft slide of jisung's pink lips that are slightly stale from the chapstick he applied last night, against the slightly torn lips of hyunjin's from his absent minded biting on them. it's a slow and deep kiss, just how hyunjin likes it, the soft flick of someone's tongue against the roof of a mouth, the gentle suckle of their bottom lip into the boys other mouth. hyunjin forgets the questions, the lingering doubt settling in the pit of his stomach, kissed the boy on top of him with that expression instead.
jisung's got his hands on either side of hyunjin's head, the soft pads of his fingertips caressing the baby hairs of his hairline. he smells of warm honey and vanilla with a faint musk from a night sweat, and the shirt he's wearing is a navy cotton that hyunjin can feel as he presses his hands on either side of the boys waist under the material, hot skin against cool hands. hyunjin is in love with him. so much so that he doesn't mind the wisps of jisung's hair tickling his forehead, or the catches of their breaths because they haven't yet brushed their teeth, of the fact that they don't talk outside of this, whatever this is. hyunjin loves him through it all.
loves him today just as much as he did yesterday, glancing at him from far away but never so much as speaking a word. loves him as much as he did last week when jisung had clambered into his lap while the other members had dinner in the other room and kissed him so hard that hyunjin could taste the cherry lip color on his lips through his breakfast the next morning. loves him just as much if not more than he had two months ago, when jisung had given himself to hyunjin in a flurry of breathless whispers, sighs and moans, and the pretty panting of his ' i love you's' painting hyunjin's ears pink in the dark. loves him and loves him and loves him, hyunjin has never loved someone so much.
they keep kissing until it's properly dawn, until they can hear the other members wake up and bustle around and pretend like they can't. they keep up the steady, slow kind of kissing, but sometimes hyunjin sucks on jisung's tongue too hard and the kissing gets faster and more sloppy, into something to rushed and sultry for a silent warm morning. it's hard to slow it down, hard to resist the urge to press the younger boy into the bed and make out with him all day, but jisung helps him find a balance in pulling away for a minute or two, regaining his breath. he dives in again to the ring of jeongin's alarm down the hall, again to the running water of woojin brushing his teeth in the bathroom, once more to the sound of minho complaining sleepily of their breakfast choices. its again and again, mouths slotting together, two puzzle pieces in the dark, two feathers dancing around each other in the wind.
hyunjin deeply regrets breaking it off.
"–sung, jisung," he pants, and it feels like waking up again, like he'd been asleep all this time dreaming a wonderful dream. jisung looks like one, fluffy hair and lazy eyes and swollen lips, and he has a pretty flush to his cheeks, a rising smile, a contented look in his eye. "we have to stop, or the members will notice."
jisung sighs but smiles anyway, a pretty one that raises his cheeks and scrunches his eyes. "you're right, for once. though i wish you weren't," he says. "i miss you still."
and hyunjin, hyunjin misses him too. so much.
he tries to play it cool, but he fails at most things when it comes to jisung. he knows what he looks like now, endeared and in love, but he can't help it. "i miss you too, but today's an off day, right? spend it with me."
it's a simple request, but hyunjin's nerves still fire. it's too easy for jisung to say no, to dodge the question, to leave him heartbroken and waiting, but he doesn't. instead, he lights up equal to a thousand suns, eyes still swollen with sleep, and brightly says "of course!" in a way that has hyunjin's heart ringing.
it takes them a while to properly get out of bed. jisung yawns a bit too many times and hyunjin stops and stares at him each time he does, and then he yawns too. they kiss again a few times, quick pecks because jisung is right there and so close, because hyunjin has a crease in his brow and jisung adores him.
jisung decides to leave the room first. "i'm gonna take a quick shower before breakfast, yeah? i'll meet you at the table." hyunjin nods but can't help but think that maybe they won't talk again after this, that maybe he won't find the courage to talk to jisung after this, and therefore jisung won't speak to him. can't help but think that the whole thing is a bit more one-sided then he wants it to be.
jisung's half way out the door before he stops and turns, looking at hyunjin straight in his eyes, a soft smile forming on his face. "you know i love you, right? more than anything in the whole world, ever. i promise I'll say it more often."
hyunjin lights up like a christmas tree and it's only july, but he's happy and in love, so it's justified. it takes him three seconds to process, and even then, he only whispers back, "i love you too, so much. more than the world will ever know."
jisung colors, squeaks, and closes the door in embarrassment after, and hyunjin can't help but think that whatever they have, this, that it's beautiful.
it's the only thing hyunjin's ever wanted.