The smoke from the battle clears only slowly. Sasuke's heart rate calms down even less.
He needs to stop these wars, needs to keep the Alliance from inevitably crumbling, and the Sage said his destiny was to be the Asura incarnation's opposite -
And, from five feet away, comes Naruto's voice: "Hey, Sasuke. Are we, like, related?"
Sasuke chokes on his spit. He turns to glare at the idiot who keeps haunting his dreams. All of his dreams. It's weird.
"I mean! The Sage guy said we were the reincarnations of those Indra and Asura guys, right, and they're brothers, which means we're, like, soul-brothers - " Naruto rambles.
Sasuke will maintain to his dying day that trying to spear the idiot on a chidori was self defense. The stupid might be contagious, after all.
They've beaten each other bloody. Naruto refuses to shut up the entire time. It's probably the blood loss, but Sasuke's seriously considering the fact that even Naruto would have trouble talking while being kissed.
"You know being soul-brothers is really intensely awkward, so much, you're unfairly sexy for that - your whole family's unfairly sexy - hey I'm your family, does that make me unfairly sexy now - " Naruto continues, from where he's collapsed.
"As soon as I can move I'm going to strangle you," Sasuke says, wearily, never mind that he's down an arm.
There's a pause, then:
Instead of a lecture on good and evil and being a traitor, Kakashi gives them a long look (Sasuke's straddling Naruto with his remaining hand wrapped around the blonde's neck as Naruto babbles about spiritual incest) and then launches into a talk about safe sex.
Sadly, Sasuke's too unsteady on his feet to so much as scratch him.
Sasuke's only consolation is that Hashirama apparently did the same 'wait are we soul-brothers' thing to Madara. Madara, at least, deserved that.
The worst part is the little thrill that goes through Sasuke every time Naruto calls him brother.
Sasuke pretends to be annoyed, which is the dumbest strategy he's ever come up with because Naruto just starts doing it more.
Look. Absolutely no one who's ever interacted with him's going to be surprised Sasuke has a, well, weird relationship with the concept of 'siblings.'
Actually the worst part is how Naruto falls off the bed cackling when Sasuke accidentally calls him 'little brother', and Sasuke refuses to cause an Incident while naked which rules out murderous ways of shutting his idiot not!brother up.
Fortunately Naruto is, in fact, incapable of talking while being kissed.