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Deserving

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     One might believe that sleeping in a motorhome would be awful. What with the lack of space, making for a cramped feeling.

     This was definitely true however, when compared to a normal home, there was barely any space at all, but despite this, Amber and Marina would live in the motorhome for the rest of their lives.

     Marina had an innocent reason for it, it’s small, but cozy, and getting to see so many new sights would never get old. Not to mention that the woman of her dreams laid in the bed next to her.

     Amber, however, definitely was a touch more cynical regarding her love for the motorhome, barring the nostalgia the motorhome bore. To Amber, the fact that motorhomes could be moved, meant they could be moved where there were barely any people at all.

     In that vein, she had a massive stroke of luck. She just so happened to stop to rest right on the side of a road where they had maybe seen two cars going the opposite way of them over the course of six hours; and in the hour and a half they had been parked, not a single car passed them.

     So, as they lay there, cuddled up close and comfortable in the quiet, peace was so easily attained. Since the new bed was put in the motorhome, laying together somehow got better. The only thing that could beat this would be reliving the events of the campfire at Zion. The memory would forever hold a special place in both women’s hearts; and that was the only reason they weren’t as comfortable as they possibly could be.

     But even despite that, they were pretty damn close.

     Whilst Marina lay peacefully, her breathing soft as she was preparing to fall into the sweet embrace of sleep, her partner’s rest was not so peaceful.

     Amber had no idea what was going through her head, or why it was even rattling in her mind. She thought she had pushed the thoughts out of her mind three months ago. She stammers on that time. Three months.

     Such a strange amount of time to her. In three months, her life was completely flipped upside down. So much had her life changed, that quite frankly, she felt like a new person. She didn’t mind the change too much. She was happier than she ever was before. Even with Gramps… That time though, still felt off to her. Had it really been three months already?

     She focused on that time for a moment, pondering how it could feel like absolutely no time had passed at all, while at the same time, it felt like it had been like this her whole life. Eventually thinking of time made her think of before Marina was in her life, as well as the first few days of their relationship.

     Amber had noticed how close her girlfriend had been to sleep this entire time, and because of this, she laid there. Part of her wanted to see if Marina would be willing to converse with her, perhaps just be an ear if needed.

     The other part of her, though, refuses to say a word. After all Marina had done for her, even at this point, basically leaving her family in New Mexico while she travelled the country with a girl she basically just met, even. Because of that, Amber felt as if she should just keep her damn mouth shut, and enjoy holding her girlfriend in her arms.

     She looks down, Marina still resting on her chest, her breathing soft and elongated. By now, she must be asleep. Something hits Amber has she examines her girlfriend closer.

     Despite the dark, she could see something, a small detail that could easily be missed if she had examined her girlfriend further. Marina is smiling in her sleep. So happy was she being held by Amber that she fell asleep smiling, and hadn’t stopped smiling since she fell asleep.

     Amber feels her own heart melt, and a smile of her own begins to grow on her face.

     Afterwards, the thoughts begin to shove their way back into her mind. Realizing just how good and pure Marina is in her life, once again, makes her brain think about how she doesn’t deserve the good that is Marina.

     Amber exhales deeply out her nose, and looks up to the ceiling of the motorhome. Occasionally she looks to the pictures hanging on the wall. Paying extra attention to some of the new ones that were added since Marina and Amber began their journey that was their relationship.

     She notices how happy she looks in the pictures with Marina, there’s not one where she’s either not hiding a smile, or not smiling brightly. Again, she questions it. Does she deserve it? Does she truly deserve to be this happy?

     Amber keeps trying to tell herself that it doesn’t matter what she deserves, and she’s not as bad as she likes to make herself think she is, but still she tells herself she doesn’t deserve it. Any of it.

     Another sigh. She decides to look down to Marina, hoping that her beautiful face, and subtle smile will calm her thoughts.

     What she saw when she looked down, however, was not what she expected.

     Marina’s eyes were opened, and looking up at Amber, hints of worry dotted them. She looked as if a frown was going to form any moment.

     ”Are you okay?” Marina is the first to speak.

     ”Sorry, did I wake you?” Amber accidentally tries to avoid Marina’s question. It wasn’t even on purpose, just an old habit rearing its ugly face once again.

     ”Amber, are you okay?” Marina knew Amber well enough to recognize the habit. Even as oblivious as she was at times, she always paid extra attention when it came to Amber, which at times, Amber doesn’t even notice.

     Amber lets out a breath she doesn’t know she’s holding, before finally trying to put the words together. It takes her a moment, but as she tries to think of a way to ease into the questions she’s asking herself, she starts to realize how much it won’t help her. So, she decides to be direct.

     ”Do I deserve you?”

     Marina’s a bit taken aback by the question, part of her doesn’t know what it means exactly, but she has an idea based off of her girlfriend’s past thoughts. Part of her doesn’t like being asked that question, but she understands what Amber truly means underneath the poor choice of words.

     ”Do you think you do?” She responds, a little childishly.

     Amber averts her gaze, “Honestly… I… I don’t think I do. Look at you. So sweet, kind,” she doesn’t realize that she’s smiling as she starts rambling off compliments to Marina, “cute, and you’re just… you. I swear you’re perfect,” then a frown sets back in as she thinks to herself, “And… I’m just… me. I’ve been a horrible person, I’ve put you in danger, and I’ve hurt you. I just don’t understand how you would want me in your life.”

     ”Amber,” a pause is left after Marina says her girlfriend’s name, all as she tries to think of how to respond, “I know you think I’m super weird, but frankly that should be the one thing you should never be confused about.”

     When Amber looks back to Marina, she realizes she’s smiling. It’s presence calms Amber, it puts her heart at ease when she sees it. It warms her heart, like a message saying, “We’ll be okay.”

     Amber lets out a breath, “It’s just… Look at what I’ve done…”

     Marina hoped Amber would say that, and she smiles brighter as she starts talking, “Helped me when there was no chance of you getting anything in return? Taking me on a treasure hunt you didn’t believe in, when my car was stolen? Not to mention getting us absolutely rich, and most importantly,” she stops speaking for a moment to lean up and plant a kiss on Amber’s lips. After the kiss, she whispers in Amber’s ear, “making me the happiest girl on Earth.”

     Marina was definitely right about many things in there. Mainly that Amber thought she was super weird, and many things about her confused Amber. Currently, she was so confused about how someone so chipper, and occasionally even childish could get so serious.

     Finally, Amber returns the smile fully to Marina, and goes to say something, but the quiver on her smile makes Marina put a finger to Amber’s lips, and Marina says one more thing, looking her deeply in the eye, “Look, you’ve messed up. Trust me, I know you have. So have I. I don’t care if you think you deserve me or not. I’m here, and I wouldn’t think of going anywhere.”

     Suddenly the thoughts in Amber’s mind regarding her lack of deserving Marina feel null. She realizes something.

     What does it matter if she deserves something or not? Obviously life gave and took no matter the person, and clearly no matter their actions. If life cared, Gramps would still be around, and Marina would have gotten all of that gold to herself.

     Amber leans in to kiss Marina, the taste of her lips bringing a sweetness that she so desperately needed at that moment. After the kiss, they hold each other tightly again, whispering soft, but heartfelt I love you’ s.

     Amber realizes that it doesn’t matter if she really does deserve Marina or not. But even if it did, as far as she can tell, Marina is happy. Happy as she possibly be, and because of that, Amber puts aside her own thoughts of doubt. If Marina is happy, and she’s happy because of Amber, then that’s all that really needs said when it comes to who deserves what.