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My Name is Loki Laufeyson

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My name is Loki Laufeyson. My father didn't want me. He left me for dead because I was too small. When the Allfather picked me up, I was scared. I had heard the noise from the battle. I'd heard all the people dying. The guttural sounds of people being killed brutally. I didn't know what it was at the time.

I grew up in a loving family where my older brother was preferred and loved more than myself. I didn't understand why, though. I did my best to be a good child. The Allfather claimed to love me. I didn't believe him. I never have, nor will I ever. I was born to hatred and it is the only feeling that has ever been shown toward me.

When I was five years old I found a book on magic. I stayed in my room after that, teaching myself to harness this power. I discovered a spell in the tome to straighten curly hair. I thought that maybe my parents would be more pleased with me if I looked more like Thor. If I had straight hair like his. So I used the spell. It didn't completely fix my dreaded curls, but my hair is straighter now.

When Thor turned ten years old, all of Asgard celebrated. Four years after that when I reached the same age, I was given a single gift and a small feast. Thor told me it was because the Allfather had just woken from the Odinsleep and he was very tired still and didn't have the energy for a large celebration. It had been months since he had awoken.

On Thor's first hunting trip, he went out alone. The golden son was trusted to be by himself. He came back with a large deer five days later. My first hunting trip was with a group of Odin's most trusted guards and, of course, Thor. We killed a bear together. When we returned to the palace, Thor was congratulated and I was frowned upon. I had used magic.

When I was made to stop the construction of the great wall, I ran as fast as I could from Svadilfare. It wasn't fast enough. He caught me and I fell pregnant. I got back to the palace, but I have been shamed ever since. I completed my job, so why does everyone look at me that way? I didn't want the child....

I thought I was happy when I married Angrboda. After Jormungand's birth, we went through a divorce. Four years later I went back to her. It's safe to say that Sigyn was not pleased. My wife  was still nursing our twins when Angrboda told me that she was with child. A short while later, Hela was born. The goddess of the dead. Aggie was killed sometime later.

I will never trust a dwarf again. The feeling of the thread pulling through my lips still haunts me. The taste of blood sends me back to the day when my mouth was sewn shut. While my own brother held me down and my wife and children were forced to watch. All of Asgard watched. My friends. My family. They did nothing.

I watched in horror as Vali ripped out Narfi's throat. Vali was skilled in the use of magic, much like myself. He also had a darkness in him that I could sense from the moment he was born, much like myself. I never imagined that he would be talked into murdering his own brother. Or that he would die by Thor's hand as I cradled Narfi and listened to the gurgling sound of his last breaths as the blood poured from his throat, drenching us both. I barely heard the yelp as Thor broke Vali's spine with his beloved hammer, Mjolnir.

I didn't think I would have to watch as Fenrir was tied down. He broke the first ropes and my hopes rose. He broke the next ropes. He broke the chains they brought out. I knew it wasn't wise for him to keep accepting the challenges to break stronger and stronger chains. But he did not heed my advice. Once they brought out the thinnest of chains I knew something was wrong. I told Fenrir not to let them chain him, but he did. He thought he could easily break such a small, thin chain. He was wrong. I watched as my son starved under chains. Tyr's hand was a small price to pay for the binding of Fenrir.

I never thought I would be taken by the Chitauri and tortured. Taken over and sent to Midgard to destroy Thor's beloved realm. I didn't want to do it. But I couldn't rightly refuse, seeing as Thanos had his cold, cruel fingers curled around my mind. He was playing with my emotions. Toying with my thoughts. Destroying every happy memory I held.

I didn't know how free I would feel when the mindless beast, the Hulk, smashed me around. Normally I would not condone such behavior, especially toward a god, but I have to thank Doctor Banner for his assistance. He tore out the grip Thanos still had over me. He released me. He let me out of my cage.

I knew I would be punished for my actions. I knew I would be thrown into a cage. Into a cell in Asgard where all could mock me and laugh at me. But I didn't think they would put that muzzle around my mouth. I did not know that I would be curled up in a corner every night, clawing and tearing at my own skin, trying to get the thing off. I didn't know I'd still have scars from my own nails digging into my flesh.

I didn't think they'd chain me to a rock with my own son's entrails. I didn't think they'd save them. But they knew I would do something wrong and that this would be the perfect punishment. I don't know what I'd have done without Sigyn to hold the cup over my head. Without her soft, tender words as the venom dropped down onto my face, causing me to scream in agony. I'm not sure what I would have done, but I'm glad I don't have to find out.

I don't know what made me come to the Bifrost to do this. I didn't know that two years after the events on Midgard that I would have written notes to everyone I was foolish enough to grow attached to. My wife. My daughter, who will be of age and sent down to the Underworld soon. My brother who I find truly did love me, even if he had trouble showing it at times. To my dear mother, who held me all those long, pain filled nights. I had to write to these people. To tell them goodbye. To tell them that I couldn't stand the mockery any more. The cruel jests. The jeers. The thousands of eyes watching me as I walk down the streets. The judgment coming from those who don't understand what it feels like to be completely broken. I couldn't do this without telling them.

I look down at the knife in my hand. It's poisoned, so even if I miss, I will die. This has to work. Even if none of my plans ever have, this one must. I align the point of the dagger with my heart and push slightly. I know this will hurt. But I also know that this one last bit of pain will take all the rest away. I will be free of this life. I will no longer be a plaything to the Norns. I am my own being, with my own life. And I am free to take it as the Allfather should have so long ago.

Just as I push the dagger in further, I hear the sound of running feet. Feet running towards me. Who has come? Who has come to stop the trickster from ridding the worlds of his evil? I turn my head to find out and see Sigyn running toward me in a flurry of skirts. Her eyes are wide and filled with tears. Her hair has come out of its braid and is loose around her face.

She tears the dagger from my hand and tosses it off of the bridge. She then takes me into her arms and hugs me tightly. She hugs me close. She whispers something. It takes me a moment to register the words, but when I do, my heart soars.

"I love you."

My name is Loki Laufeyson, and I am loved.