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When You Assume

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James Tiberius Kirk refused to give up. On anything. That includes that book on top of that sign, 30 feet in the air. He stared at it trying to assess it. That book was older then him, and that meant he wanted it. Frank was passed out and no one was old enough to stop him. But how to get up there?

"Why are you staring at that sign?" A voice startled him from behind. The boy looked about seven, when Kirk spun around. "Is it religious or culturally important?" The strange boy asked. Vulcan, with those ears he had to be. He was two years older? He had no say.

"No. I just really want that book." Kirk replied proudly. The boy pulled out a padd and went to hand but Kirk refused. "No! It's not the same. You can't wipe a book's hard drive or hack into it. That's why I love books. I got it!" Kirk yelled as it hit him. The boy seemed to jump a little. Kirk took a few paces back.

"You have less than a 0.0002% chance of reaching that book-" The boy got out before Kirk took off directly at the pole. The Vulcan braces to seem him impact but the boy kicked off the building right beside it. It gave him an extra five feet gain on the distance from him to the ground. The Vulcan watched, shocked, and Kirk made it all the way to the top. The boy was impressive.

Now here, this was the real issue. Kirk had the book, stuffed it into his pocket, but he can't use the laws of motion to get him down. Kirk stared at the Vulcan that was staring at him. He looked around a little and saw a shopkeeper frantically calling someone while staring at him. He was shouting into the phone. A word of fear slammed into his mind. Frank.

Kirk straddled the sign and looked for a way down. He pulled on a wire and it came loose. Kirk looked down and decided to pull on it. It kept going until it was found that it wasn't attached at all. Kirk tied it to the sign then tied the other end to his wrist. This was going to break his wrist. Kirk began making circles. It was going to break his wrist, it didn't have to tear it off completely.

When he finally jumped there was enough energy to stop it from tearing off, but not enough to keep him from screaming in pain. He was still ten feet in the air by the time he stopped spinning. The Vulcan was right below him.

"I'll catch you! Let go!" The Vulcan called. Kirk saw Frank's car barreling at them and he didn't wait. He jerked his hand free and the Vulcan caught him. Jim landed on him hard enough to send them both sprawling. Kirk felt a sting when the Vulcan's hands slid under his shirt to try to catch him by the waist. It was like a salt belt clicked into place. The shock made him forget. Then he was jerked off of the Vulcan and fear flooded him again.  He was thrown into the car. The Vulcan had only moved to keep eye contact.

"You dumbass! Your mother can't save you now! I'm going to send you somewhere you'll be making me some goddamn money at least!" Frank spat. Kirk flinched and curled up. He felt warm all over for that boy. Kirk hoped he had moved here.


Spock stared at the boy as he left. Fear that wasn't his also began growing  before his mother caught up to him. She gushed over him as Spock tried to understand what just happened. Spock was forced to follow his mother. Spock found the boy interesting. Upon further reflection, he found the boy illogical and stupid. Even further reflection he found he wasn't stupid, only reckless.

A mere few minutes after the boy had been taken away, Spock felt discomfort in his ribs. He wrapped an arm around them and stopped. His mother looked around as soon as she noticed and then decided to pick him up. She carried him to the bathroom and sat him on the counter. Spock felt the discomfort ease, but not fear.

"Spock? Kan'bu? What's wrong?" Amanda worried checking him over. Spock sat up straight looking confused.

"I do not know." Spock said plainly. Amanda almost stepped back when Spock's face twisted in pain and he doubled over. Amanda caught him she picked him up and ran straight to where she knew Surak was. He looked surprised to see the fear on her face and their child in her arms. They took him straight to a doctor since the healers were in San Francisco.

There is nothing wrong with him physically. They looked. His body was reacting to injuries it had not received. The doctor was dumbfounded, but Surak was now worried. So they set off, back to Vulcan.

Chapter Text

By the time they reached Vulcan, the pain was gone, now the fear was too. The healer had found something. It looked like the newly planted bond between Spock and T'peu had been severed. But it was clean. Like both minds had rejected it at the same time. Spock was asleep in his mother's lap, or so they thought.

"Surak, he's going to be bullied for this. It's not even his fault. I told you I didn't like the idea of bonding him so young." Amanda said. Surak sat for a moment, wanting to say the right words.

"We will do all we can with our child to prepare him. That is all we can do. Even though he is part human, he wants to be trained and treated as though he is Vulcan. We agreed it would be his choice. Regardless. This is not your fault. Nor is it his. This was not anything that we could have foreseen, Ashayam." Surak said. Amanda leaned against him in a very non-Vulcan way. Spock always took in how different and non-Vulcan his mother was from himself or his father.

Spock almost sat up, as it was illogical to eavesdrop. Right when his muscles tensed to allow him to sit up crushing sadness hit him. Such a hopelessness knocked the wind out of him. He gasped and his mother clutched him closer. Spock reached for the sadness. He felt such a lonely mind. The moment he touched it, the loneliness drained away.

"It's okay. It's alright. You are not alone. I am here." Spock said. The mind seemed to throw a question but clung on to him before he could answer or even interpret it. After a moment he opened his eyes. Surak was stone faced but Amanda was shocked. Spock sat up and got off her lap. This wasn't like the imaginary friend he had when he was younger. He FELT this mind.

"Spock? Who were you talking to?"  Amanda asked. Spock shook his hand and took a stance that looked exactly like his father's thinking pose. The sadness he felt was akin to a craving of some kind.

"I do not know. There are feelings in my mind that are not my own. Someone felt sad. Sad to such an extreme that it was startling. I felt I had to reach out. Would you like to see?" Spock asked as he held his hand out. Spock felt like it was odd not to show her. He had always had her help in identifying his own feelings. Surely she could help here.

She hesitated before nodding and leaning forward a little. He placed his hand on the phsi points that he could reach as he felt their minds snap together. He pushed the emotion into her mind. Surak gasped as well as his mother. Spock dislodged and then pulled back, quickly.

"Spock…" Amanda said softly. She turned to Surak, unable to voice it. He nodded reassuringly.

"Spock, that is a state of mind that, should you ever find yourself in, come to us immediately." Surak said. Spock nodded, still confused. He saw his father and mother were talking in their minds. They didn't talk to Spock the rest of the trip so he sat across from them. He was thankful when he got to the clan mother. She confirmed that the bond between him and the girl.was gone. But said another stood in it's place.

"It is a dark and lonely mind that has joined with yours. But it cannot be removed, it is Th'y'la. You must learn to shield." The Clan Mother said. Surak sighed hard and began pacing.

"Do you know who the mind belongs to?" Surak asked, his voice tense. Spock would have flinched if he weren't Vulcan.

"I do not. However, it is a non-Vulcan child." The Clan Mother said. Spock stood up fast, drawing the attention of everyone in the room.

"The boy. He climbed up a sign to retrieve a book. When he jumped he landed on me and I attempted to catch him. Skin contact was made. If it is him, he is either extremely reckless, or someone is hurting him. We must go back to Earth." Spock said, he felt protective of the mind in his. He was willing to guard it with everything he had. It felt weird to be this protective but he didn't care.

"What's his name, honey?" Amanda asked, stopping Surak. She had never seen her son like this, and she wasn't going to let him think it was bad. Spock almost instantly deflated.

"I know what he looks like. I know what the man who took him looks like, I even know the vehicle model!" Spock said. Amanda sighed and knelt in front of him. She hated to do this to him, but she had to.

"Unless we have a name, they aren't going to let us take him. We would have to adopt him, and that needs his name. I'm sorry." Amanda said. She saw the tears. They weren't wet but they were there.

"Mom…" Spock started. For a human, there wasn't much change in his voice. But for a Vulcan, he might as well have been sobbing and it broke her heart.

"Spock, we cannot simply steal him." Surak said, sounding a little harsh. Amanda felt for his anger but only found remorse. "There are laws we must follow. It would illogical to go after him." Surak said. Spock suddenly snapped straight. The tears were gone, the emotion on his face had vanished, and he stepped away from Amanda.

"Understood. May I leave now, Clan Mother? I must meditate." Spock said. The Clan mother nodded at him. Spock walked away briskly.

Chapter Text

Kirk sat down in the cave as he looked at the other injured kids. His hand was cut. He was so hungry. It all began to sink in. They were all going to die. Kudos had lost his goddamn mind. All those kids and people screaming. He was able to lead out 30 kids. Only 18 had made it to these caves.

The fear, the pain, everything it was so much. He began crying. Not loudly, because he had learned that from Frank. If you cry too loud they'll find you again. A little girl was curled into his side. She was two. He was thirteen and the oldest of all of these kids. He reached for that voice that came every once and awhile, whenever he needed it. He found it. It was shocked and scared, just like him but it grounded him.

He saw guards at the base of the mountain, beginning the climb. That presence was all he needed to ground himself. He picked the girl up and onto his shoulders and quietly ordered the other kids to get further in the cave. He began digging into the ground. The older kids helped. He had to make places to hide. That's how he did it. It took two hours to make sure everyone had a hiding spot. The guards were there in three. They didn't check deep, but thank whatever was out there for that. He gathered the kids together in the cave.

"Here's the plan, we wait twenty minutes and we make it to a cave three minutes from the ridge of this mountain." Jim said and pulled a beacon out of his backpack he had filled with the stuff from his medical classes room. It was an emergency beacon.

"As soon as we get there we rest for the night, I will modify the beacon to set up tomorrow. Then we move to this large cave on the other side of the mountain. We rotate caves until help comes." Kirk said. He vaguely remembered playing with his mom's Starfleet regulation padd. He had read the whole thing cover to cover.

"What about food?" A nine year old asked. Kirk paused. He took a deep breath as a wave of comfort washed over him. It felt like someone had their arms around his neck from behind. Kirk felt there to make sure it was just in his head.

"I will take care of it. I brought some food with us. If we run out I will make a supply run." Kirk said, realizing that the more he leaned onto that comforting feeling the more calm he felt. He started working on the beacon, trying to get on Starfleet emergency frequencies. If he focused the frequency, he could make the range longer and give them a better chance.


Spock gasped awake seeing bodies drop like flies under phaser fire. Panic, fear, shock. He was covered in it. He screamed. Someone grabbed him. He tried to fight them off, he had to escape, he had to leave! Now!

"Run! Follow me! Hurry!" A voice, that was not his own, came from him. Someone slammed him against a wall and it snapped him out of it. It wasn't his fear. It wasn't his panic. It wasn't his mind. Someone was speaking to him.

"Spock! Spock! Calm down. Allow me into your mind." Surak said. Spock went limp, trying to think. Surak's mind met Spock's and Spock felt his worry. Surak helped his son separate himself from his Th'y'la. As soon as he was sure Spock was separated, he left his son's mind. Spock shocked Surak by hugging him. Spock looked at his mom, crying. She stood up from the ground and walked over.

"Spock, what happened? What was that you showed me?" Amanda asked. Spock pulled away from his father. He couldn't find words. What had his Th'y'la seen? Spock walked to the window trying to hide his tears. Amanda sighed.

"Those people... Those emotions… he is in danger. I understand what you are feeling. You must find him. It has never been more important. I will send a fleet after him if you merely give me his planet." Surak said. Amanda was just as surprised as Spock. Spock turned to Surak.

"I do not know how." Spock said with a shaky voice. Surak nodded and glanced at Amanda. Spock was nearly as tall as his father. He was fifteen. It was then that Spock noticed his mother was hurt.

"Ashayam, you must go to a healer, we shall meditate." Surak said. Surak and Spock meditated hard for two days. Spock was looking for ANYTHING to tell them where they were, comforting his Th'y'la as much as possible.


The second day he finally got the signal to work. This voice in his head seemed really curious. He smiled. If he was going insane, he would use it. He'd probably die before leaving this planet anyway. He grabbed a little girl from looking bored so he didn't look crazy.

"Look, I fixed it. In a few minutes, I am going to set this on the highest point on this mountain, then I'm going to set it off." Kirk said. He felt the interest from the presence, like it was asking to say more. Kirk felt wanted, ridiculous, but wanted.

"I put it on frequency 4047.32, my mom, in the year 2242, brought her Starfleet manual home. She printed it out for me. I read it cover to cover. Frequency 4047.32 is this quadrants emergency frequency. I read it every night I was here before all hell broke loose. My book was taken a long time ago. I watched it burn." Kirk said. It hurt him to talk about it, but the little girl couldn't understand him and that thing in the back of his mind was the only thing he could lean on. The little girl had already walked away.

"I'm going to die here." Kirk whispered. The thing in his mind was suddenly shocked and taken back. "No, it's okay. I hadn't realized how bad my concussion was. My symptoms are really bad. I haven't slept, I can't, but if I do, I don't think I'm going to wake up. Thank you for giving me comfort in my final hours. Or days. Depending on how slow it is." Kirk said. It felt like it was someone or something else. Kirk was willing to believe it was a god. But he didn't feel like that was quite right. He was just glad to not be alone.

Kirk stood up and signaled to the others to head to the third cave and he was going to plant the beacon. He would do it for the kids, still. It didn't matter that he was dead. But he didn't need to doom them. He planted it in the ground then turned it on. That's when he heard screaming. He stood up and bolted towards the screaming. Everything after that, is too harsh to describe. But they were down to 12 and he was now on his knees in front of Kudos. He was terrified and sure he would die.


Spock wasn't allowed to be in the ship to save his Th'y'la. He wasn't even allowed off Vulcan. But he knew the moment they had his Th'y'la. The relief screamed at him and the hunger from the other mind was chased away. He had told his father the quadrant and the beacon's frequency. Surak sent five federation ships to save his Th'y'la. They couldn't find his Th'y'la without possibly hurting kids that weren't his Th'y'la, and that is illogical so Spock didn't care. It might've hurt his Th'y'la too. That was out of the question. Spock would find him again.

Chapter Text

Kirk sat at the bar. He was tired and he felt old. He wasn't living with Frank. His mother divorced him after the Taurus VI thing. A shudder ran down his back as it flashed in this mind. He didn't realize he was eating too fast, at first. He felt a tingle in the back of his head. Anxiety. He furrowed his brow. Over what? He felt it. And was sucked into something like it was straight out of a holotape.

"Spock, I will not be mad if you join the academy. I would be proud. Starfleet is just an option. Nothing more." A woman, that Kirk had never seen before, said. She smiled. Kirk snapped out of his seat, confused. He got some strange looks. He paid and rushed to his apartment. The anxiety spiked as he shut his door and he saw a lot of old Vulcand in a circle around him. He didn't say a damn thing but someone was speaking through his mouth, but not using his voice. It was quite a sexy voice.

"To what disadvantage are you referring to?" The voice from him asked. Kirk felt confused as the Vulcans looked around at each other.

"Your human mother." An older one said. Kirk felt shock hit him, along with the feeling of being noticed.

"So it's true that all Vulcans hate humans? Xenophobic dicks." Kirk said before he could stop himself. If it was up to Kirk he'd just leave. He was growing more confused.


Spock heard the comment of his Th'y'la and nodded. He is right, he refused to endure this... illogical bullying. The elder went to continue but Spock stopped him and shook his head.

"Thank you for your offer but I must decline. Live long and prosper." Spock said pulling his Th'y'la's mind close. Spock walked out and paused as he felt panic rising into his Th'y'la. He only paused until she realized his father was in front of him, then he went directly to his room. Confusion flooded his mind as he drew his Th'y'la's mind into his own.


Kirk was pacing. That voice in his head? That presence? It's really WAS someone? Kirk was confused and panicky. He needed to call someone. Who? He froze. He had no one. Would Sam even care? Would his mother? It had been four years since he last spoke to his mother. And nearly 8 since he spoke to his brother, Sam. He pulled out a bottle of romulan ale and poured a glass. What the hell even was his life. He lifted the drink to lips.

"Romulan ale is illegal, how did you obtain it?" A voice said from behind him. Kirk jumped and yelped before throwing the glass in the direction of the voice. No one was there. Oh god. He was losing it.

"I'm going crazy… or someone drugged me. Just my luck. I go crazy all alone, drinking." Kirk said and poured a shot before throwing it back as hard as he could. He hit the table in front of him as it burned his throat.

"You are not crazy. Are you even old enough to drink?" The voice said. Kirk closed his eyes and sighed, rubbing a hand down his face.

"Fine, I'll bite. You are not in my head-" Kirk started and then was interrupted.

"I am inside your mind, but I am also existing on Vulcan." That sexy voice said. Kirk sat down and rubbed his hands on his face harder.

"Okay. How and why?" Kirk asked, frustrated. It was kind of scary. Someone being able to read your thoughts.

"When you were younger you-" The voice said but Kirk's hearing blanked out and was replaced with a blaring high pitched sound.

"Stop. Stop! Stop! STOP!" Kirk snapped, holding his ears. There was confusion from THAT part of his mind. He shoved it away and tried to block it out. It all stopped and it was just him and his thoughts. It felt so empty. It hasn't been this quiet in his head since forever. How long had it been since he had been THIS alone? He decided to get black out drunk. Then he paused as he grabbed the bottle.

"Am I any better than Frank?" Kirk asked himself softly. He picked up his comm. "Damn it." Kirk said and called that number he should have called a long time ago.

"James? How are you?" She asked. Kirk felt like it was hard to speak. Dr. Sarah April. The silence stretched as Kirk tried to get out something.

"Please, call me Jim." Kir- Jim said. He was doing this now. Turning over a new leaf, becoming better than himself. Rising above the pain.

"Jim, we haven't talked in a while. What happened?" Dr. April asked. Jim shook his head with a dark chuckle.

"I needed to pull my head out of my ass. Drinking isn't working." Jim sighed, sounding a little cooked up as he played with the bottle. She paused before speaking.

"What are you having?" She asked. Jim smiled in relief and felt a little better knowing she didn't hate him.

"Nothing legal, you coming over?" Jim asked he needed therapy again. This time he would not stop until he was done, he vowed it.

Chapter Text

Okay, so maybe it helped that there was a Vulcan in Starfleet that he really wanted to talk to, but, regardless, he joined up. He hated that damned test. Bones knew everything. The voice, the Vulcan thing, his past all of it. When he joined Starfleet, Bones became his therapist. Jim even meditated now. Now he was ready for the person that had been in his mind. For so long before.


"Hello?" Jim asked staring into a mirror searching for that mind. He didn't know why but he wanted to do this while looking at his own mouth, making sure it wasn't moving. He got nothing, at first.


"Hello? I am sorry how I reacted two years ago. I thought you were a side effect of insanity, so when you actually existed, it freaked me out, okay?" Jim asked. He tried for an hour before realizing he was late and needed to rush to his test. He passed it. Because he reprogrammed it. Then he got dragged to court. As he was standing there he realized the mind inside of his was mad, curious, and responding, just not verbally.


"I believe I have the right to face my accuser directly." Jim said. He wanted to meet the bastard that was accusing him of cheating. He turned as a man stood.  Of course it'd be a Vulcan. Vulcans love to see those they seem 'illogical' to fail.


"I am Commander Spock." He said. Jim froze. Spock? Was Spock a common name for Vulcans? Jim and him argue back and forth until it was called. On the way to the assignment callouts he had to tell McCoy.


"Do you remember that… thing I had told you about? The voice?" Jim asked. Bones looked surprised at him. Jim was itching to get a reply from that mind. He needed to know. "I have a theory on who it is, but I'll tell you more as I find out more." Jim said. Bones shrugged it off and kept going but was a little excited for him. 


Of course he realized he wouldn't get called. It hurt. A lot. But of course it would happen. Answers were right there. RIGHT THERE, yet still out of reach. Jim closed his eyes and let his head fall. Hopefully the mind wouldn't die.




Spock felt his Th'y'la so suddenly after years of silence. He was confused and worried. But mostly thinking about the human who altered the test to win. He wasn't willing to fight with Uhura, he had reassigned her so their relationship could end, but she wasn't making it easy. He felt like he was cheating on his Th'y'la now. He felt it, he was closer to his Th'y'la than he had been since they met.


As soon as this mission was over the top mission was to find his Th'y'la. That was the right thing to do, right? They were supposed to be perfect for each other, right? But wasn't Uhura perfect enough? She had given him support all this time just fine without the Th'y'la bond. Spock couldn't believe he was suggesting to not hunt his Th'y'la down, but he wasn't even sure he wanted him anymore.


His mother will know what to do, after this, he will contact her and ask. She always knew what to do, no matter how illogical they seemed. Almost all her plans worked. Spock focused on his duties as the ship took off. He put a light block between their minds so that he couldn't see something Spock didn't want him to. His Th'y'la's mind became loud moments before James Kirk came onto the bridge. Spock immediately felt irritated and made the block as strong as he could on a moments notice.


Kirk was acting different towards him, weary almost, and it only served to make him more temperamental. Spock felt odd towards him, and he couldn't figure out the feeling. He gave into Uhura but didn't like giving into Kirk. He was shocked beyond belief when Kirk was right, but at the same time he felt like he should have known.


Spock was all too happy to have Kirk shot out of the ship and onto a nearby planet when Captain Pike was captured. He needed to think and Kirk was somehow preventing that.




Kirk woke up in a pod, and, as the Kirk luck would have it, the moment he let his guard down, something big started chasing him. Then something bigger killed that thing and started chasing him. He was not happy. Spock had to have ordered it. Did Spock not know? Or did Spock not want him? Then, because he was distracted, he slipped. He fell. He turned and watched as it surged for him, accepting that he was going to die.


Then the other side of the Kirk luck pulled up, and suddenly he was saved by someone. The man turned to him and he got ready to need to fight.


 "James T Kirk." The older Vulcan said. Jim was surprised. How in the hell did this Vulcan know him? Jim felt something tug in his mind. A different presence, somehow blocked, but he could tell it was very similar to the one before. One shocked conversation later Jim was walking behind the Vulcan.


"How do I know you are Spock?" Jim asked, this… this… Vulcan claimed to be Spock. The Vulcan turned to him and nodded. He seemed to think about the best way to answer before speaking.


"We met in Iowa, your home state, in Riverside, your hometown, when I was nine and you were seven." He said. Jim thought back to it. That… that Vulcan was Spock? Jim sat down.


"Why did you grow up to be such a dick? You caught me when you didn't have to, and now you hate me?" Jim asked in shock. Now it was older Spock's time to be surprised. "That was you? Then why were you surprised when you saw me change your stupid test?" Jim asked. He was still a little mad over being court martialed for fixing that damn test.


"It is possible that I have not figured out who you are. It seems that more has changed my Nero's and my presence than I had first thought." Old Spock said. Jim nodded and let his head fall into his hands. He took a deep breath.


"Are you the … thing I have been feeling inside my own head?" Jim asked. Suddenly pain was behind Jim's left eye. He gasped and grabbed it. Almost as soon as it was there it left. "Uh, sir I appreciate what you did for me today, but, but if you were Spock you would know we're not friends at all. You hate me, you marooned me here for mutiny." Jim said. Old Spock looked at him confused and stepped forward.


"Mutiny?" Old Spock asked. Jim explained it before Old Spock mind melded with him. He saw everything. He felt a click in his mind and peace overwhelmed him. He saw a much older, much less sad version of himself in front of an older Spock. They were laughing. Spock looked and felt truly happy. Jim started crying. Old Spock pulled away. Jim wanted it back. He got back up.


"This you hates me. He can't stand me." Jim said. Old Spock pulled him close and hugged him and Jim broke down even more. Spock just held him until he was okay again. He felt the warmth of that mind. They made it to the out post and Old Spock told him what to do.


"Jim, you are going to feel what he is feeling if he makes skin to skin contact. Be careful, and be ready." Old Spock said. It felt like it was out of habit that Jim kissed the Vulcan's cheek before getting on the pad. The Vulcan was deep green as he sent them off. Jim felt proud of himself. As his Spock's hands kept him from getting air, he felt the hate and vowed to never tell him they were in each other's mind.

Chapter Text

Spock decided right as he stepped off the bridge that he would NEVER want a human that was not Nyota. He slams the bond closed and clamps it shut. Kirk had gotten to him and he hated it. He hated Kirk but he was in no fit to captain a ship. By the time he got back to the bridge Spock no longer hates Kirk. He hates himself. Kirk seems even more scared of him. It seemed logical. What was illogical was that Kirk seemed to trust him now. 


He seemed to have conflicted feelings. He trusted Spock to do his job, but after Nero was gone, Kirk refused to be around him unless it was his job.




Jim blamed himself so much. He hated it. He knew he had pushed Spock too far. Bones was with him now. He was getting evaluated tenth migraine this month. They were getting worse. Old Spock commedia him then. Kirk jumped up.


"Hey! You still have to-" Bones started but Jim was too excited. He ran to his room to take it. He decided to pretend he just came out of the shower and wetted his upper body before stripping down to his pants. He sat in front of the call. 


"On screen." Jim said with a smirk. The moment he saw the Vulcan he grew worried. The Vulcan looked extremely pale. "Spock, are you okay?" Jim asked. He and old Spock talked often, flirted at every chance, and even did some 'dates'.


"I am nearing my end, Ashayam. But you look beautiful as ever." Old Spock said. Jim was trying to understand what he was being told. He chuckled.


"That's not funny." Jim said. Old Spock sighed and went to speak, but Jim already understood now. "No. I just got you. I can't lose you! Tell me what to do!" Jim demanded. He felt scared and lost. Jim knew there was nothing to be done. Old age is old age.


"Jim. I understand how you are feeling. You are not losing me. You are simply losing this version. If you would only look closely at your first officer, you would see that he and I are the same." Old Spock said. Jim felt tears. They were soft tears.


"I'm coming to you. Please. Let me-" Jim started. Now it was Spock's turn to correct him.


"No, Jim. If it makes you feel better, you can carry my katra, but the Enterprise is needed somewhere else." Old Spock said. After the comm ended, Jim broke down crying. Bones found him drinking and alone.


"Why don't you tell that pointy-eared bastard you love him?" Bones asked Jim. Jim still had feelings for his Spock, but Old Spock was easier to know. He felt something press against his mind. He felt and was surprised to feel his Spock. He had expected Old Spock.


"I can't." Jim said, distracted. He ushered Bones out and felt Spock tug on him. Spock was seeing and hearing him now. He felt a question in Spock. "A friend of mine, a very dear friend, is dying." Jim said. There was shock and he saw through Spock's eyes.


"Who?" Spock asked to an empty room. It was his room. Jim avoided looking at any reflective surfaces.


"No one you know." Jim said.


"How do you know?" Spock asked. Jim had to stop himself from telling Spock everything.


"I just do. Why do you care?" Jim asked a little harshly. Spock was surprised. Jim felt a little bad. "I felt you. We were close to each other. We were in the same room together. I looked for you. You didn't care. You shoved me away." Jim said, trying not to cry. Spock seemed regretful but understanding.


"We serve on the same ship now. Who are you?" Spock asked. Jim felt anger. Old Spock would have answered. Old Spock would have told him.


"I can't. All those years ago, I was ready, willing, even. But now? I don't think I can handle meeting you. I have had a rough life. I am about to lose someone, I can't go chasing someone who might hate me." Jim said and pulled Spock's mind out of his. Spock seemed sad but didn't fight it. Jim paused. The pulled Spock back. "Meet me on the Observation deck this time tomorrow. We can talk… maybe." Jim said and pushed away again. Spock seemed hopeful.




Spock was nervous. He knew his Th'y'la might not show up. But after all this time he might actually meet him. Learn his name, and everything else about him. Spock longed for it. He called his counterpart and waited.


"Mister Spock." His Counterpart greeted him. Spock was nervous. "What is the matter?" His Counterpart asked.


"Our Th'y'la has set up a meet. He has made it clear that he might not come, however I think it is likely he will." Spock said. His counterpart seemed surprised.


"Do you have any suspicions as to who it might be?" His Counterpart asked. Spock looked confused before raising his eyebrow.


"Did you not say you knew his identity?" Spock asked. His elder self chuckled. He thought it strange that he openly smiled and showed emotion.


"I do. However, it amazes me that you do not. I knew our Th'y'la long before this time. Perhaps you focus on things you know you are to lose, rather than the future." His Counterpart suggested. Spock furrowed his brow and thought on it.


"Should I part from Uhura?" Spock asked. His Counterpart took a deep breath and looked away from Spock.


"That is up to you, however, is it not illogical to hurt someone by pretending to think there is something more than there is in a person where an even more powerful friendship can be found?" His Counterpart asked. Spock thought on it after the conversation ended. Then he decided he should return to friendship with Nyota. When he arrived he was even more nervous.


His eyes landed on his Captain. He was the only one alone. Spock froze. Could James Kirk be his Th'y'la? Kirk looked stressed. But Spock had never known him to be in another state of mind. Out of curiosity Spock started forward. Kirk got even more… anxious as Spock drew closer.


"Good evening, Captain. Are you waiting on someone?" Spock asked. Kirk looked like he was on the edge of hyperventilating. Spock was concerned. He felt for his Th'y'la and felt nothing. Could Kirk shield him? It would make sense if James Kirk was his Th'y'la and his Th'y'la thought he hated him.




Jim was nervous as he sat by the chessboard. His skin was itching and he felt like he was doing to explode. What if Spock didn't show? What if he did? Could he even say it? It was mostly empty. Spock came in right on the dot. The bastard. It was obvious that Jim was the only one waiting for someone. Spock clamped his eyes on Jim and Jim couldn't look away. He was having trouble breathing as Spock started for him.


He saw the wheels in that Vulcan mind turning. He looked oddly like Old Spock, when he was connecting the dots. Jim couldn't think. He had to tell him. But how could he? Spock would attack him. Spock looked tense enough to attack him now. Now he was standing right beside Jim. Jim felt his brain screaming inside his skull as he slammed a wall between their minds.


"Good evening, Captain. Are you waiting on someone?" Spock asked. Spock was confused but growing less confused every second. Jim couldn't do this. He couldn't he had to think of something.


"Yeah, but it appears I have been stood up. Bones probably got trapped in med bay." Jim pushed out as he was talk. God, was he good at lying. Spock bought it but was suddenly sad. He looked almost exactly like Old Spock when he tried to hide how sad he was. Jim stood up.


"Do you hate me?" Spock asked. Jim froze. What the hell was he supposed to say to that? 'Yes, but only because you hate me.'? 'No! You're the love of my life!'? He hated that goddamn question.


"No. I don't hate you. Why would you think that?" Jim asked as he turned. Jim hated himself. He was a coward. Always will be when it comes to things such as these. Why? It wasn't worth the risk. The pain of finding out was more the the probable reward.


"Your behavior has been less than friendly. You have kept it professional, however you refuse to interact with me unless you have to." Spock said. 'Yeah, that's cause I can't take the guilt of everything and I am stressing out' Jim thought. Jim felt like dying. He sighed and decided to go as close to the truth as he could.


"Look, I don't want to make things complicated in the workplace. You've made it pretty clear from the get-go that you do not prefer to be around me. I am the same Kirk that you hated for cheating your test, or for pushing too far about your… mom. The same one that snuck aboard, the same one you shot into space. I haven't changed. I figure we don't have to find out you hate me more than we thought." Jim said. Spock looked surprised and Jim got ready for him to say that was logical. He wanted Spock to hold him. To hug him. For him to just know him like Old Spock does.


"Captain, while I can understand why you feel as you do, your feelings are misplaced. My first judgement of you was illogical. My second was equally illogical. My first was based off an action I had not even attempted to understand. My second was made in a time where logic had eluded me. Upon closer inspection, you are not…." Spock trailed hunting for the words. Jim chuckled and then nodded.


"A no-brained-pig-fucking-glory-hunting jock strap that is trying to ride on his father's reputation while thinking he is untouchable?" Jim supplied, amused. All of that, and more, had been said to him. Mostly by family the first time. Spock sighed.


"That is correct. You are more culturally respectful than I first thought you were. You do everything you do with no regard for your life, not for the fame, but for the simple reason you think that it is the right way. You think through your actions long before you even make them. Before we have even come to the problem that requires it. While you do not think with your mind, you think with your heart. It seems that there are situations in which, abandoning logic, is the only logical solution. You are logic without reason, like the universe itself." Spock said. Jim got lost in Spock's eyes as he spoke. That felt like Spock declaring love. Jim's heart swelled. Spock suddenly looked uncomfortable.


"Shit, Spock…" Jim started. He didn't know what to say next. An idea popped into his head. "Well, how about that game of chess Bones is missing out on?" Jim offered. It felt too close and personal but it felt right . Jim would be damned if he walked away now. That was the first chess games of many.

Chapter Text

They were just becoming used to being best friends when Jim faced Khan. Jim felt like an idiot for not listening to Spock. Jim had to let the wall fall when he was on the other ship. He felt Spock's fear, and it felt weird. Jim was falling harder. He was pulling away from Old Spock. Not even on purpose. Their nightly chess games had became weekly. Old Spock was dying, but Jim would have almost forgot if Pike hadn't have died.


Now he was bursting with pain. Heat and pain. He couldn't breathe well. He was so weak. He was reminded of Kudos and that damn planet. He was shaking when Spock finally made it to him. When he noticed Spock, he felt more wake.


"Spock!" He gasped. Spock stared at him with fear. Tears were in his eyes and denial was clear on his face. Jim then remembered he was dying. "I'm scared." His mouth forced out when Spock crouched in front of him. Spock was shaking to you. Jim could barely focused on what was being said. Spock was sad, and it hurt him. He felt Spock's fear and sadness.


"Jim, please." Spock gasped out. Jim smiled at him, trying to look like he was getting better, know in ng it wasn't working. Jim placed his hand on the glass in the Tal'val. He had to tell him.


"Spock… I… I love you." Jim forced out as world faded. Spock was the last thing he saw, he just wished Spock was happier.




"Spock… I… I love you." Jim gasped out before fading away. Spock felt himself trembling in rage. He had finally had happiness. Now he felt stripped of it. His rage screamed out of him. When he stood and began marching to find Khan, EVERYONE cleared his path. Uhura was when scared of him. He felt nothing but rage and pain. Spock didn't begin to feel better until he had snapped Khan's arm like a twig. He took the rest of his rage out on that face of his.


"He our only chance to save Jim!" Uhura yelled through his rage. Spock paused. Khan was nearly awake. Spock looked up at Uhura. He blinked hard. His actions had been illogical. He saw her realize that Kirk meant more to him than she did. That was the third and final death of their relationship.


Spock stood by Jim's bed, day and night, holding his hand when no one was around, but never leaving the room no matter how many people came in. Elder Spock even came in. He was out getting him food when Jim woke up. Jim smiled when he saw Spock. Spock felt tears and not a damn person ever mentioned them. Spock was confused when Jim wanted to speak with his Counterpart.




"Spock. Please." Jim said holding out his arms the best he could. Old Spock hugged and held him. Jim felt better.


"Jim, it is not my job to comfort you." Old Spock said. Jim nodded and held onto Old Spock's sleeve.


"I know. I just… I want to make sure I'm alive. We play chess a lot." Jim said. Old Spock smirked and chuckled, which made Jim smile wider.


"So that is why I have been cast aside. It is because of Chess." Old Spock teased. Jim chuckled and lightly pushed him.


"You are mean." Jim teased back. Old Spock's face went serious. For a second Jim actually believed he might have crossed some sort of line.


"No. I am Vulcan." Old Spock said. When Jim laughed, so did Old Spock. Jim wanted his Spock now. Old Spock traded with his Spock. Jim was glad Old Spock wasn't mad at him or truly jealous.


"Spock, I am sorry. I shouldn't have said that while you are with Uhura." Jim said almost the instant they were alone. Spock nodded and sat beside.


"Uhura and I are merely friends now. And we will never again pursue a romantic engagement." Spock said. Jim was about to say sorry, but Spock stopped him. "I love you as well, Jim." Spock said. Jim was scared now. He wasn't ready to jump yet. Spock was waiting.


"I can't risk this thing between us. I have lost so much. I… I… I can't lose you, Spock. Not just because I want more than I needed. I have done that far too many times now. I can't…" Jim tried to explain. He was crying hard. He shifted into a panic attack and felt arms hesitantly wrap around him. He leaned into them hard. Spock just held him.


"It is okay, Jim. It is okay. I understand. If you are not ready, I will wait." Spock said. Their friendship only grew to brotherhood. Jim was doing great. They went back to chess every night Jim spent as much time as he could with Old Spock until he had to return to New Vulcan.




"I love you as well, Jim." Spock said, feeling a rush just from saying it. Spock realized it a long time ago, but he didn't want to risk ruining their friendship. Then Jim started fidgeting and he grew worried.


"I can't risk this thing between us. I have lost so much. I… I… I can't lose you, Spock. Not just because I want more than I needed. I have done that far too many times now. I can't…" Jim trembled as he confessed as he began crying. Spock held him as he began hyperventilating. Spock understood. He only just got past his fear. He knew, in most cases, Vulcans knew they wanted forever before humans did. Spock only wanted what Jim was willing to give him.


Spock spent every waking hour of his free time with Jim. His Counterpart and Jim played chess twice that he knew of. Spock and Jim played every night. Spock felt pride that Jim still chose him over his Counterpart. Spock didn't care about whoever his Th'y'la was. And that was new. He only wanted Jim. No doubts.

Chapter Text

Jim got the news first. He got it with a shipment of things of his other self. He knew Old Spock was dead before he actually was. He felt as the old Vulcan passed away in his sleep. He felt the dream fade with his life. His favorite book, the one he had broke his wrist to get, was in with the stuff he had gotten. Jim gave Spock that book. He wanted to slowly break the idea to Spock. Now that Old Spock was gone, it finally felt right to go after him. Jim cried for eight hours over Old Spock. Spock didn't know and he wasn't going to break it to him.


Jim figured he'd know when it was time. Old Spock and his Spock was odd like that. Jim had learned they were the same person. Bones was getting tired of Jim being tired. Jim would pull ever so slightly into Spock's mind. Just enough so he didn't feel alone. Spock ignored him and Jim wasn't sure how to feel about that. He felt the moment Spock new. A strange feeling hit Spock right after his shift. It had hit Jim hard and he went straight to Bones.


"A depressed Vulcan?" Bones asked. Jim nodded and he poured a drink for Jim. Bones looked confused but waited for an explanation patiently.


"Old Spock. He died about two weeks ago. Our Spock just found out. Be ready." Jim said. Bones looked surprised and stared at Jim, confused. "Bones… Old Spock and I, we were best friends. But I think, in a few months, it'll finally be time to tell Spock that I am his Th'y'la." Jim said. Bones blinked hard and shook his head. He needed to sit on this a while before he responded.


"Okay, well, first I have a poker game. Let's call it group therapy." Bones said. Jim nodded and followed Bones. He smiled as they went into Scotty's room. Chekov, Sulu, Uhura, Chappel, Scotty, and Carol were around a table already.


"Finally! I thought you were ne'er gon' show up!" Scotty called as he smiled. Jim loved the distraction and welcomed it.




Spock's mind was so loud he couldn't think. His Th'y'la was too loud. He would have preferred Jim's mind at this point, and he was at his breaking point. Right now. He felt like he needed peace and quiet, maybe Jim.


Spock slammed his shields closed, all the way. He couldn't take the pain of himself dying. It was the strangest feeling and he couldn't take his Th'y'la's mind, and his Th'y'la was clearly not taking a hint. He wasn't thinking of his unknown bondmate.




Mid-poker game Jim jerked like he was going to  throw up. It brought the whole game to a stop. Warmth began to trail down his face as his brain screamed to run. He was stumbling out into the hallway, distant, muffled voices crying out to him.


"Spock." Jim gasped as he felt a force begin to shake him. Harder and hard, folding him backwards before collapsing to the ground. He couldn't will his body to move as it thrashed about. McCoy was over him one injection. Two. Jim knew it wouldn't work. Spock must have found out, and decided to shut Jim out altogether. Jim faded, not wanting to live in a universe where that voice, the voice who got him threw so much, hated him. In a universe where Spock, his best friend, hated him.




Spock jerked up as McCoy called for him to report to medical. Spock ran. It was almost always about Jim. This time was no different. McCoy had sounded desperate. As soon as he was in med bay, McCoy jerked him into a room with Jim jerking and seizing. Spock was horrified. M'Benga turned Spock to him.


"His mind is connected to yours! Let up on him! Spock! Throw down your walls or whatever else you did exactly fifteen minutes ago!" M'Benga said urgently. Spock let his walls fall and Jim suddenly went still. McCoy began scanning him.


"He has a small amount of brain damage. Nothing permanent. But he needs to stay under until he is okay again." McCoy said and gave Jim something. Spock was reeling. Jim… Jim was his Th'y'la? Spock made sure that the only mind he was linked with was his Th'y'la's. Did Jim know? Spock reached for Jim but M'Benga stopped him.


"Spock, listen, you can have a heart to liver when he wakes up, but until then he needs rest, nothing else." McCoy snapped as a few nurses came in. Spock was lead out as he processed this.




Jim woke up with the world's biggest headache. He groaned. He felt a hypo and swatted at who he knew was Bones. The headache began to fade. Jim couldn't remember much. Just a drink with Bones, talking about Spock, Old Spock, and telling Spock. He forced his eyes open. He was surprised to see he was in med bay. He looked at Bones who looked sad.


"Bones? What happened? What's wrong?" Jim asked. The longer it took Bones, the more worried he became. Spock practically bust in.


"He is awake and you cannot stop me!" Spock snapped at a doctor trying to talk to him. Jim was shocked but didn't care.


"Spock! What the hell do you think you are doing?" Jim snapped. Spock froze and looked at Jim. Dread filled Jim as Bones leaned over to whisper to him.


"He knows. There was nothing else we could do. We had to call him. He closed the bond with some of you on his side. It messed you up pretty bad." Bones said. Jim felt fear ram into his mind. Spock knows. Jim tried to keep calm. Spock's pissed. Spock hates him now. Bones grabbed Jim and held him close.


"Jim, calm down. Give him a chance. Please! Just breathe." Bones said. Jim forced himself to calm down. He was... afraid wasn't strong enough of a word. Bones held his hand as he pulled away.


"Jim… are you okay?" Spock asked, slowly moving forward. Everything was tense on Jim. Spock couldn't care. No. This has to be a ploy of some kind.


"I… feel okay physically." Jim said, trying to be careful. Spock closed his eyes for a moment walking up to Jim's side.


"You knew?"




"How long?"


"Since I saw you in that courtroom. Right after the Kobayashi Maru."


"Why didn't you tell me?" Spock asked, hivoice strained. He sounded like he was on the verge of crying. Jim felt a pang in his chest.


"I couldn't. At first I thought you hated me. Then I thought you were in love with Uhura. Then I was scared you only wanted me because you chose me. Or that it wasn't real. I couldn't risk you deciding to hate me." Jim said softly. Jim felt helpless. Like he was going to lose Spock not matter what.


"My love for you does not stop because you are Th'y'la. If anyone else was Th'y'la, I would choose you over them. I choose you, not because you are Th'y'la, but because you, James Tiberius Kirk, are the man I have fallen in love with." Spock said. Bones pulled away and walked out. Jim was on the verge of crying. 


"Spock. Isn't this too soon? Aren't you scared?" Jim asked. Spock nearly laughed. Then Jim thought about what he said. Jim started laughing. Spock held two fingers out to Jim. Jim met them. Jim sat up and pulled Spock into a human kiss as well. Their minds snapped together. Jim started crying from relief. Spock held him close. Spock stepped back after a moment.


"I fear we are moving far too quickly, Captain." Spock teased with a straight face. Jim laughed and pulled Spock against him.


"Couldn't we move just a little faster?" Jim whispered. Spock's mouth turned up at the corners. Jim kissed him again.