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Assvengers The Group Chat

Chapter Text



[8:10 AM]


spooder created the group No Name


spooder added Mister Stark, Mother Spider, Thunder-God 3000, Birb, Most Interesting Scientist, Stove, and Doctor Magic to No Name


spooder named the group Assvengers


[ Mister Stark is online 8:12 AM]


[ Stove is online 8:12 AM]


spooder: swiggitty swoogitty look what i diditty


Mister Stark: Kid, what is this?


spooder: a group chat


[ Thunder-God 3000 is online 8:13 AM]


Mister Stark: Why? 


Stove: I agree with Tony. Also, why is there a cuss word in the name? I demand for it to be changed


spooder: lol no 


Mother Spider: wow that’s a surprise




Stove: Wait, how old is Spider-Man?


[ Birb is online 8:15 AM]  


Mister Stark: He’s not my son


spooder: mr.stark isnt my dad




spooder: old enough


Stove: That’s not an answer, son.


Birb: I think youre lying Tony


Mister Stark: I’m not! I don’t have any children! 




spooder: yeah but secret identity, i could be 3. or i could be 98. ull never knoooow


Birb: suuuuuure you don’t Tony ;) 


Mister Stark: Thor, I can gaurentee that he is not my son. 


Thunder-God 3000: OF COURSE FRIEND TONY ;)


[ Mother Spider is online 8:18 AM]


Mother Spider: why is thor in all caps?


Mister Stark: I thought it would remind us all of him more for his phone to only have caps.


spooder: id explain why hes not my dad but its not fun n secret identity


Mister Stark: You don’t have to, kiddie. Everyone just know that he’s not my son and that’s all.


Mother Spider: that’s a little sus 


Stove: At least tell me you’re of age, Spider-Man. 


Birb: Nat are you gonna?


Mother Spider: already on it ;)


spooder: i can not confirm or deny


Stove: Tony did I fight a child?


spooder: not sure if i should be scared or not


Mister Stark: I can neither confirm nor deny that. 


Mother Spider: don’t worry, you won’t get hurt


spooder: and you said mr.stark was sus


Birb: i think it’s sus you both said almost the exact same thing 


Stove: What does “sus” mean? 


spooder: just google it


Stove: ....


Stove: What is a “google”


spooder: its like a search engine that answers questions 


Mister Stark: Kid, it’s not “like a search engine” it is a search engine. 




Stove: What is a search engine? 


[ Doctor Magic is online 8:21 AM]


Doctor Magic: Why am I here?


spooder: bc mr.stark has your number and i hacked friday


Mister Stark: Wait how did you do that?


spooder: im smarter than you 


Stove: I’m still confused.


Mister Stark: I am too. My kid hacked into my AI.


Birb: aha! so you admit he’s your kid


spooder: wat


Mister Stark: It was a slip. 


Birb: suuuuuuuure


Stove: Is no one going to help me?


spooder: i would but ur too old


Birb changed Mister Stark ’s name to Iron Daddy


Birb changed spooder ’s name to Spider Son


Birb: there we go


Iron Daddy: I give up.


Doctor Magic: I have to say, it is unnerving that we don’t know who Spider-Man is. But, if itis his wish to be unnamed then I will comply.


Spider Son: yea bc im a master at keeping secrets. also that would b v appriciated


Stove: I do not understand this colloquialism someone please.


Iron Daddy: No one help Cap.


Stove: :( 


Spider Son: so u dont understand slang but u can use emojis


Stove: What is an “emoji”


Spider Son: o that one is easy


Iron Daddy: Don’t


Spider Son: ok


Stove: :(


Mother Spider: hey baby spider, why did i find a video of you being crushed by a building? And then you lifting it off of you?? 


Spider Son: wait there’s video of that


Iron Daddy: WHAT? WHen were you crushed by a bulkding? Why didn;t Kanren tell me? Howe the fuck did you gett it ogf of yuo????


Stove: Language!  


Spider Son: uhhhh remember when u took away my suit


Birb: whos Karen? 


Iron Daddy: Okay, that’s it you are grounded from being Spider-Man. And Karen is the name he gave the AI I made for his suit.


Spider Son: but im fine! i was able to pick it up!!! that was like a year ago


Mother Spider: it’s concerning how strong you are. 


Birb: so you made him his own ai and you still say hes not yours? doubt.


Iron Daddy: You’re going to give me a heart attack Underoos.  


Mother Spider: you say he’s not your son but you just grounded him. 


[ Most Interesting Scientist is online 8:30 AM]


Iron Daddy: No, I said he’s grounded from being Spider-Man. I can tell his suit to not work.


Spider Son: ok but can u not do that rn???? im kinda bein shot at


Iron Daddy: AND YOU’RE TEXTING? What am I going to do with you? 


Mother Spider: i don't have to be a master spy to see that he’s your kid, blood or not, tony


Stove: I have figured out what Google is! 


Birb: good for you, cap.


Most Interesting Scientist: If it would help, I’d be able to compare Spider-Man’s and Tony’s DNA with a paternity test


Iron Daddy: If Bruce did that, would everyone finally shut up about the kid being my son? 


Birb: mayhaps


Mother Spider: only if it comes back negative




Spider Son: do i have to come and like give blood or smth? bc i hate needles


Most Interesting Scientist: I’m afraid so. 


Iron Daddy: No, we have his blood. It’s just under his real name. I’ll get it and bring it to you. 


Stove: Wait, is Spider-Man still being shot at? 


Spider Son: no i stole their guns and their hearts


Stove: You killed them?!? 


Spider Son: only with puns and kindness


Stove: But are they dead?


Spider Son: maybe on the inside. i mean, arent we all? 


Stove: You worry me.


Mother Spider: hey spider-man for no reason at all is PBP important?


Spider Son: uhhhhhhhhhhhhh


Mother Spider: that’s the only answer i need :) 


Most Interesting Scientist: Spider-Man, why is there spider DNA mixed in with your own? 


Spider Son: oh i was bitten by a radioactive spider thought it was obvious with the powers n stuff


Iron Daddy: What? How? When? Where? 


Spider Son: uh i had a field trip to oscorp and it was boring so i wandered and saw some weird looking spiders and one mustve gotten out bc next thing i know there was pain in my neck and i slapped it and there was a dead spider on my hand. i was sick for 2 days and then i could stick to walls and stuff. it was like 6 months before u found me? 


Iron Daddy: Every day my life span grows shorter from you. 


Iron Daddy: I could have died in a million other ways but it will be from the stress you’’re causing me.


Spider Son: sorry mr.stark.


Most Interesting Scientist: Okay, the results are in! 


Stove: Wait are we going to ignore that Spider-Man was on a field trip??? Like, what people in school do?? 


Mother Spider: no


Iron Daddy: Yes. Bruce, tell everyone how stupid they are for thinking Underoos is my kid.


Most Interesting Scientist: Well I can’t exactly say that.


Spider Son: wat


Iron Dad: Wait what? 


Most Interesting Scientist: Tony, you are the father of Spider-Man. It’s a 99.98% chance. 


Birb: i knew it




Birb: wait why are you guys surprised


Spider Son: my parents died when i was 4 wtfffff


Iron Dad: I have a son...


Birb: oh shit sorry


Iron Dad: My son is Spider-Man. 


Stove: Language! Also, my apologies Spider-Man.


Spider Son: im gonna….gooooo


[ Spider Son  is offline 9:00 AM] 


Iron Daddy: I need a drink


[ Iron Daddy is offline 9:01 AM]


Most Interesting Scientist: I’m going to go make sure Tony doesn’t drink. We don’t need that. This stays here until Tony or Spider-Man say otherwise, got it everyone? 


Mother Spider: yeah, but i’m going to look into it more


[ Mother Spider is offline 9:03 AM]


Birb: yeah, i dont think spider-baby can handle if it gets out 


Doctor Magic: It is not my secret to tell.


Stove: It would invade the privacy of both Spider-Man and Tony if I were to spread this information.




Birb: wait, Thor how did you know about Tony being Spide-Man’s dad?




Doctor Magic: Well, while this was entertaining I have things I must attend to.


[ Doctor Magic is offline 9:05 AM]


Most Interesting Scientist: Oh no Tony is having a crisis. 


[ Most Interesting Scientist is offline 9:06 AM]


Stove: I am going to look at this “Urban Dictionary” that is recommended everytime I look up a word I do not understand. Goodbye.


[ Stove is offline 9:07 AM]


Birb: welp. 


[ Birb is offline 9:07 AM]

Chapter Text

[ Iron Daddy is online 12:51 PM]


Iron Daddy added Honey Bear and Pottery Barn to Assvengers


[ Honey Bear is online 12:52 PM]


[ Pottery Barn is online 12:52 PM]


Iron Daddy: Read the above I can’t explain anything.


Honey Bear: Tony how the hell?


Iron Daddy: I don't know!!! 


Pottery Barn: Who even is he Tony?


Iron Daddy: You’ve seen him, and he wants his privacy so I won’t say where or when. But I’m scared Pep! 


Pottery Barn: Stark I swear if it’s that kid from Queens


[ Mother Spider is online 12:59 PM]


Mother Spider: i’ve done digging. 


Mother Spider: and i think you’re right, pepper


Mother Spider: Remember the winter gala in 2000, Tony? 


Pottery Barn: TONY! 


Iron Daddy: Not really.


Iron Daddy: Oh.


Iron Daddy: And it’s a good thing I found him! He was in a onesie before! I gave him something that can keep him safe! 


[ Stove is online 1:02 PM]


Stove: I am learning slang! 


Stove: Wait...


Iron Daddy: Oh no


Stove: If you don’t remember something from 2000


Pottery Barn: You deserve this, Tony.


Stove: And it was in winter…


Stove: THE KID IS 16??? TONY! 


Iron Daddy: I don’t want to hear it right now, spangles. Sort of dealing with the fact that he’s my kid. 


Stove: This is the most irresponsible thing you’ve done.


Pottery Barn: No, that was getting so messed up at a winter gala that he now has a kid. But it’s high up there. 


Stove: I dropped an airport terminal on a child.


[ Spider Son is online 1:04 PM]


Spider Son: o hi miss potts, colonel rhodes idk mr.stark was gonna add u 2


Pottery Barn: Hello.


Honey Bear: Just called me Rhodey


Spider Son: ok rhodey


Spider Son: also ye im 16


Iron Daddy: Oh but calling me Tony is so hard


Spider Son: thats different


Iron Daddy: How???


Spider Son: u saved my life when i was a kid n ur like my idol


Iron Daddy: WHEN


Stove: So you stan him? Am I using that correctly? It was the first thing I saw.


Spider Son: stark expo. one of those bots was about to hit me and i put up my gauntlet i got from the iron man merch table and then you came up and said “nice work kid”


Spider Son: n ye cap ur getting it now


Stove: :)


Iron Dady: You just have a knack for putting yourself into dangerous situations. 


Birb: its almost as if its genetic


Mother Spider: as much as this warms my heart, we should talk about today’s discovery.


Stove: Agreed.


Pottery Barn: Agreed.


Spider Son: id rather nooot


Iron Daddy: I’m with the kid on this.


Pottery Barn: No, Tony. This is something that needs attention right now. 


Iron Daddy: But underoos said he didn’t want to!


Spider Son: if miss potts says it needs to be talked about im going with her


Iron Daddy: This is betrayal.


Spider Son: she’s scARY! 


Spider Son: o no


Iron Daddy: What’s wrong? 


Iron Daddy: Kid?


Mother Spider: this is concerning. 


Iron Daddy: C’mon Underoos, answering is polite and you’re all about that.


[ Birb is online 1:20 PM]


Spider Son: uhhhhhhh i might have gotten shot?


Iron Daddy: WHAT


Birb: dont do that its not healthy


Spider Son: its ok im heading home


Iron Daddy: Oh not you don’t. You’re coming to the medbay if I have to drag your ass there myself.


Spider Son: its fine ill just take the bullet out with mays tweezers n super healing will take over


Birb: that is also unhealthy. and whos May


Spider Mother: his aunt


Iron Daddy: Nope. I’m coming over and I swear if you have tweezers in a bullet hole I’m going to lock you in the tower. 


Spider Son:


Spider Son: wait how did u know shes my aunt???


Spider Mom: i have my ways


Honey Bear: Cho just left for vacation and Bruce out so I’ll come to the medbay. Lord knows I’ve stitched Tones up enough times to be of some help


Iron Daddy: There’s some painkillers labeled Spidey, get them. They’re the only that will work fully, cap’s are too weak.


Birb: hooow 


Birb: oh right radioactive spider


Mother Spider: isn’t Strange an actual doctor?


[ Doctor Magic is online 1:24]


Doctor Magic: Yes, however i will only be able to guide as my hands are incapable of being steady. I will be there in a moment with a portal.


Honey Bear: Tones uhhh theres an orange portal whhhhat do i doooo there’s a guy and a cape and oh.


Mother Spider: i feel like i summoned him.


Mother Spider: awesome


Doctor Magic: For the record, it is a sentient cloak. Now I must prepare for assisting Rhodey.


[ Doctor Magic is offline 1:26]


Spider Son: that sounds cool


Stove: I am biggleboggled is this normal?


Spider Son: wow u really did go on ud


Birb: i feel like he went with the funnest word for confused


Stove: Mayhaps.


Iron Daddy: Got the kid, bringing him in now


Spider Son: its fiiiiiine i had it handled


Birb: suuuure


Mother Spider: suuuuuuuure


Pottery Barn: Sure, totally had it handled. Totally didn’t scare us all. 


Spider Son: yeah! 


Spider Son: wait


Iron Daddy: We are going to have a new person in the tower for the next month. 


Mother Spider: so he had the tweezers? 


Spider Son: i just wanted to make mr.war machine not have to deal with getting a bullet out


Iron Daddy: For the record, he didn’t disinfect it at all so


Honey Bear: What happened to calling me Rhodey? 


Birb: jfc hes almost as irresponsible as you Tony 


Iron Daddy: Welcome to my life platypus 


Iron Daddy: He called me Tony only once and that was when he was telling me how memes prove that god has abandoned this timeline.


Spider Son: no i was telling u that certian unwholesome memes are why he left this timeline like memes about messed up shit


Iron Daddy: No cursing, you’re like 12


Stove: LANGUAGE! Especially for a child


[ Honey Bear is offline 1:30 PM]


Spider Son: im 16 :((


Iron Daddy: Okay, he’s getting treated now for everyone not here


Spider Son: my side feels like a buffalo tried to make me its bitch




Spider Son: father forgive me for i have sinned and daddy i’ve been naughty are the same thing 


Birb: whyy would you say that


Spider Son: im a disaster gay and thork was the relization of that like hes so pretty hnnngn


Iron Daddy: That’s how you’re coming out?


Spider Mother: a disaster gay was the gay awakening for another disaster gay


Spider Son: maayabeh


Spider Son: wait thor is gay


Birb: i mean Thor made me realize i was bi after a few drinks ;)


Iron Daddy: THERE IS A CHILD! 


Spider Son: who says i havnmt done that


Iron Daddy: Kid, be glad I’m ignoring that and not telling May.


Spider Son: parker is such a weird last name. am i supposed to park things??? or should i keep a park? 


Iron Daddy: Kid, that is coming very close to telling them who you are.


Spider Son: mayhaps they should know i mean the mother spider, the reason mj is gay, already knows bc sheeeeeeees a kick ass spy


Mother Spider: i’m flattered


Stove: Your cursing is why god has abandoned us


Spider Son: go cap! hes gettin gooood at this slagn


Stove: It is disturbing how many definitions on this site are relating to sexual activities.


Spider Son: ok nvmd


Stove: Rude.


Iron Daddy: Kid, stop texting. 


Mother Spider: you’re in the same room as him???? 


Iron Daddy: He’s not paying attention to anything but his phone.  Would take it away but he’s too strong ;(


Spider Son: nooooo onnnne jas control over me i can scream from the rooftops that i am perte benjakijn parkef


[ Spider Son is offline 1:44 PM]


Iron Daddy: Well he’s asleep now.


Spider Mother: and he mispelt his name,


Birb: so it’s not Perte Benjakijn Parkef? 


Spider Mother: it’s close but i think we should wait until he’s not on painkillers to discuss his identity


Iron Daddy: I second that. Give my kid his privacy.


Birb: ok but only because i think Friday will give it away if i try to look up anything


Pottery Barn: Give him privacy or else.


Spider Mom: clint do not make me stab you 


Birb: i wont!!!! 


Spider Mom: good i don't want to wash blood out from the carpet


Iron Daddy: You wouldn’t have to I have people to clean up messes. I pay them enough to stay silent. 


Stove: Tones, that’s not a good lesson to teach your child.


Iron Daddy: I’m Tony motherfucking Stark. I do what I want. 




Iron Daddy: ENGLISH!


Birb: well it was fun being threatened and all but i must hide from Nat.


Pottery Barn: And me. I got the notification, Barton. 


Iron Daddy: And me, this is my kid! I said one thing! Clint I am going to hang your head on my wall! 


Birb: oh shit


[Birb is offline 1:50 PM]


Stove: Guys, violence isn’t the answer here.


Mother Spider: shut it


Pottery Barn: The kid’s privacy was violated shouldn’t you be joining the witch hunt? 


Stove: Oh. Yeah. Okay, that’s logical. I’ll join.


Iron Daddy: Alright, lets hunt a bird.


[ Mother Spider is offline 1:53 PM]


[ Iron Daddy is offline 1:53 PM]

[ Pottery Barn is offline 1:53 PM]

Chapter Text

[ Iron Daddy is online 4:05 PM]


[ Pottery Barn is online 4:05 PM]


[ Mother Spider is online 4:05 PM]


Iron Daddy: He couldn’t have left the tower. I put it on lockdown when he looked up the kid’s name


Pottery Barn: Good thing it’s a Sunday.


Iron Daddy: Floors B3-62 are clear.


Mother Spider: i think i can see him


Iron Daddy: Where are you?


Mother Spider: in the vents on the 63rd floor next to the bathrooms


Iron Daddy: Be there in a second.


Pottery Barn: I’ve cut off that floors vents so he’ll be trapped


Iron Daddy: Miss Potts you are getting another raise.


Pottery Barn: Damn right.


[ Birb is online 4:09 PM]


Mother Spider: you’re trapped clint


Birb: im sorry?


Iron Daddy: Sorry doesn’t cut it come down here like a man and fight me.


Mother Spider: or be a bussy and fight me


Birb: i feel like it would be manlier to stay here


Iron Daddy: That’s…fair 


[ Spider Son is online 4:11PM]


Spider Son: guys…its cool that he knows


Spider Son: dont kill him it isnt nice


Spider Mother: shouldn’t you be resting spiderling


Birb: who care let me be free and living! 


Iron Daddy: But your privacy! 


Spider Son: i wanted to tell but painmeds made my fingers all loopy


Spider Son: and im fine miss black widow fact healing its a scar now


Birb: so am i freed from being hunted??? 


Pottery Barn: Yes.


Iron Daddy: But Pep!


Spider Son: its fine mr.stark 


Spider Son: and for the recond my name is Peter Benjamin Parker


Pottery Barn: And now that Peter is more lucid I believe we have something to discuss.


Iron Daddy: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine


Spider Son: uhhhh what is there to discuss about it? 


Pottery Barn: Well, I think we should tell you aunt.


Spider Son: o ye she might want to know


Spider Son added Burner Of Food to Assvengers


[ Burner Of Food is online 4:15 PM]


Spider Son: maay mr.stark is my dad


Burner Of Food: well, he does treat you like his son.


Spider Son: no i mean like,,biologically 


Burner Of Food: I’m sorry, wat? 


Iron Daddy: We did a parenity test because some idiots kept on insisting that Peter was my son and they came back positive.


Birb: i dont think calling Thor an idiot is a good idea


Burner Of Food: how??? Mary and Richard were so happy with each other STARK WHAT HAPPENED? 


Mother Spider: at the winter gala in 2000 mary and richard got in a fight and then mary started to flirt with tony


Mother Spider: it’s all clear from the videos of that night


Burner Of Food: Ben did have to talk to Richard that night if I remember correctly…


Pottery Barn: Well, with this new delevlopment it would make sense, if Peter is okay with it of course, that Tony has joint custody with you.


Spider Son: im cool with it 


Burner Of Food: well it would help since msot of my money goes to food since Peter eats more than ever.


Iron Daddy: So is that a yes?


Burner Of Food: yes


Pottery Barn: Great! I’ll get the paperwork all organized. 


Burner Of Food: okay. i’ll have to go now, gotta get this bread.


[ Burner Of Food is offline 4:20]


Spider Son: heh 420


Iron Daddy: Hey kid, want to come buy stuff for your room? The one at the compound has stuff in it but not the one here. Since until right now it was an extra room in my penthouse.


Spider Son: uh sure? is there like a limit to how much i can spend


Iron Daddy: Peter. I’m a gazillionaire


Spider Son: thats not a real #


Birb: its not a hastag??


Spider Son: # isn’t limited to what social media made it. the development of social media has corrupted the meaning of several symbols in the modern era in this essay i will-


Mother Spider: clint you were born before it was a hastag why


Pottery Barn: Has anyone told Steve that the bird hunt is off?


Mother Spider: no


Iron Daddy: No


Birb: fuck


Spider Son: mr.hawkeye we dont use the fuck word! 


Birb: frik?


Birb: also call me Clint


Birb: or uncle clint


Birb: blease call me uncle before you call anyone else uncle


Iron Daddy: If he wants to call one of you idiots uncle let him do it on his own terms.


Spider Son: ok uncle clint


Birb: yesssssssssssssssssssssssssss


Spider Mother: in that case call me aunt nat 


[ Stove is online 4:24 PM]


Stove: Why isn’t anyone hurting Clint?


Spider Son: my name is Peter and its cool that he knows


Stove: Oh


Stove: Well in that case back to Urban Dictionary I go. 


Spider Son: lit


[ Honey Bear is online 4:26 PM]


Iron Daddy: Peter you never answered me.


Spider Son: i thought it was obvious???? im in the elevator


Honey Bear: He is. He just scared me half to death by detaching himself from the heart monitor.


Spider Son: sorry rhodey


Spider Son: uhhh someone is getting ontp the private o its mr.captain america 






Spider Son: uh mr.captian america is getting mad




Honey Bear: That’s an overreaction.


Spider Son: also im not a babey 


Spider Son: dad you might want to hide


Stove: you are b a b e y 


Iron Daddy: Good idea.


Spider Son: yyyyy didnt you move i gave warning


Pottery Barn: I think you calling him dad made him short circuit. 


Spider Son: o srry


Iron Daddy: Get out of that suit I’ll find something for you to wear until we have clothes for you here.


Spider Son: ok


Pottery Barn: I’ll have all of the paperwork faxed to you later Tony. I have a meeting.

[ Pottery Barn is offline 4:29 PM]


Stove: Why are you three texting? You’re in the same room?


Spider Son: so were you when you started typing


Stove: Touche


Mother Spider: i think that you should share a picture of yourself peter


Mother Spider: so that everyone can see what you look like


Mother Spider: so we don't have to deal with people thinking youre lying 


Spider Son: ok


Spider Son: [selfie 7548.jpeg] A picture of Peter with messy hair smiling. He’s wearing a MIT sweater that is faded and clearly well loved. Behind him Tony is seen holding an ice pack to his face, where a bruise is blossoming. A blur is seen in the corner, which if you are Natasha or the type of person to stan Captain America is Steve’s left leg walking away.


Honey Bear: Aw. He’s wearing one of Tones’ favorite sweaters. I’m touched. 


Spider Son: wait this is one of dads favorites? 


Iron Daddy: Rhodes you made my kid cry.




Spider Mother: peter, I would kill for you.


Spider Son: please dont


Spider Mother: what about this brat at your school who keeps on calling you penis and getting physical


Spider Son: dont flash is fine im ok with it. better me than someone who could actually get hurt.


Spider Mother: but he has hurt you


Iron Daddy: What???? Someone’s bullying you, Pete??


Honey Bear: Tones, you used to be a bully


Iron Daddy: Yeah but now I defend the Earth. 


Spider Son: i meant like hurting and it lasting more than a few hours n its fine im used to it


Iron Daddy: You shouldn’t be used to being bullied!


Honey Bear: Says you.


Spider Mother: you shouldnt be used to being beat up


Spider Son: i wouldnt say he beats me up…


Spider Mother: really? cos this video i found looks a lot like you being beat up.


Iron Daddy: What video? Nat I’m coming down to see this. And yes Rhodes I’ve made past mistakes but  Igave them all money as an apology.


Stove: Bullying isn’t lit. I am disappointed in you Tony. 


Spider Son: ya mr.captian america ive seen ur psas like 20000 times


Spider Mother: where are you tony


Spider Son: oh im holding him back


Spider Mother: how are you texting??


Spider Son: it only takes one hand to stop him


Honey Bear: Uh


Stove: It’s true. He’s sticking to a wall and is holing onto Tony’s arm.


Birb: what even are the extent of your powers


Spider Son: uh super strength, fast healing, enhanced senses including my spidey sense, fast metabolism, stickiness, super speed uhmmm


Spider Son: i think thats it


Birb: so you cant call spiders to help you? Boo


Spider Son: im glad i cant they scare me


Spider Mother: you're scared of spiders?


Spider Son: well yeah last time i got bit i was sick for 2 days and thought i was gonna die


Honey Bear: That’s fair.


Spider Son: i have been betryaed


Spider Mother: i never agreed to anything


Birb: wat


Iron Daddy: Nat was helpful for me. Now i am going to fight a child.


Honey Bear: Tony no.


Iron Daddy: Tony yes! 


Spider Son: well now mr.captian america is holding him 


Spider Son: anyways, anyone want pizza im starving


Birb: as long as there isnt pineapple im down


Spider Son: youre not allowed pineapple helps bring out the savory and adds a new dimension to the regular, boring pizza. in this essay i will-


Birb: nooooooooo ;(((((((((((


Spider Son: i suppose we can get one that doesnt


Birb: yessss :)))))))


Mother Spider: did you just say pizza is boring? 


Spider Son: its not really i just like having more flavors and contrast


Mother Spider: noted.


Spider Son: should i be afraid?


Mother Spider: no


Honey Bear: No


Birb: probably


Iron Daddy: I swear to do no harm to the idiot that hurts my kid. Happy cap?


Stove: No, but it works. 


Spider Son: yy?


Stove: So that there’s many witnesses.


Spider Son: ok dad can we get pizza pleaseeeee


Birb: yeahhhh pleassse


Iron Daddy: Fine. Peter is getting his own pizza because pineapple is disgusting.






Birb: TONY! 


Iron Daddy: Okay fine, it’s not too bad. But you’re still getting your own pizza.


Spider Son: victory! 


Birb: betrayal 


Honey Bear: So it took a kid for you to agree with what I’ve been saying for literally decades? 


Spider Son: uncle rhodey is my new favorite


Iron Daddy: Now I’m betrayed.


Honey Bear: He’s your kid, Tones. 


Iron Daddy: That’s still weird.


Spider Son: yeah


Spider Son: anyways PIZZA! 


[ Spider Son is offline 4:52 PM]


Iron Daddy: Pizza’s here, whoever wants it come up. 


[ Iron Daddy is offline 4:53 PM]


[ Birb is offline 4:53 PM]


[ Mother Spider is offline 4:54 PM]


[ Stove is offline 4:54 PM]

[ Honey Bear is offline 4:55 PM]

Chapter Text

[ Burner Of Food is online 7:32 PM]


[ Pottery Barn is online 7:32 PM]


[ Iron Daddy is online 7:32 PM]


Iron Daddy: May, I have an offer for you. 


Burner Of Food: go on


Iron Daddy: You can come live in the tower, all expenses paid. It only is fair since Pete is my kid and you’ve been having to raise him this entire time. Repayment in the form of living here with extra security in case something happens.


Pottery Barn: By “something” he’s referring to Peter sharing that he’s Tony’s son and you getting kidnapped due to how close you are with Peter.


Burner Of Food: well it is probably the safest place to live in all of nyc. I’m just more concerned about my lease now, but yes, as long as Peter is fine with it I am too.


Pottery Barn: Don’t worry about your lease. I’ll talk with your landlord and get it taken care of. 


Burner Of Food: let’s get Peter’s opinion on it first.


[ Spider Son is online 7:35 PM]


Spider Son: dad told me to come on, wats up? 


Pottery Barn: read the above, dear


Spider Son: o ye im cool with moving in here


Iron Daddy: Great! We can have some people come by and grab anything you want to keep tomorrow morning and then Pep can talk to your landlord in the afternoon. Is that good?


Burner Of Food: yeah I won’t have work until 5


Iron Daddy: Okay. 


Pottery Barn: Everything is set.


Spider Son: ok well im gonna get back to beating uncle clint at mario kart


[ Spider Son is offline 7:39 PM]


Burner Of Food: we will need to change information with the school when the paperwork with guardianship is ready and then address change after that so that its Pete living with his dad. thats still weird btw Stark


Iron Daddy: You’re telling me


Pottery Barn: Well I’m getting the paperwork set up tomorrow morning. Tony, you should go to the school early with Happy to pick Peter up and get everything situated

Iron Daddy: I feel like May being there might be helpful as well


Burner Of Food: Im not sure if Ill be able to and get to work on time


Pottery Barn: Ok well, how about you write an email explaining all of this to the school and call them, just to make sure. Then Tony will come in about an hour before school ends and get all the paperwork done. 


Iron Daddy: Yes Miss Potts


Burner Of Food: okay Ill do that right now. thanks to both of you, not just for this but for taking care of Peter. 


[ Burner Of Food is offline 7:45 PM]


Chapter Text

“So the kid is going to be picked up every day? And brought back to the tower?”


“Yes Happy, that’s what I said five times. There’s also the fact that he’s my kid. Biologically, I mean.” Tony looked at his head of security, who was pulling up to Midtown School of Science and Technology. Hogan turned to look at his boss wide eyed before turning back to the road. 


“Tony, what in the actual hell?”


“Uh winter gala, 2000. You remember who I left with?”


“That...that was Peter’s mom?”


“Yup,” Tony said, popping the p. 


Happy sighed as he pulled into a parking spot close to the school’s entrance. Since it was an hour before school even let out, there was none of the traffic that the head of security hated. Tony opened the door and stepped out as soon as Happy parked, grabbing the paperwork that Pepper had handed to him after they had settled the split of guardianship. He walked to the front office doors and stepped inside.


He walked up to a star struck attendant, who was looking at her colleagues, making sure that she wasn’t hallucinating Tony Motherfucking Stark being in a high school front office.  


“Hi, I need to get some new developments sorted out for a student here. Peter Parker? Yeah, I’m a legal guardian of him now and he’s living at Stark Tower as of yesterday.” He gave the woman a big smile and she just blinked.


“Oh well I will need confirmation from his current gauriden uhhh May Parker.” The secretary began to type away at her computer.


“She sent out an email last night and left a voicemail. I could also call her right now, and her signature is on the papers I have here. She couldn’t come due to work” Tony handed over the papers with a polite smile, reminding himself that he has to be nice because this is Peter’s school and very important. The woman looked over them before focusing back on the computer. 


“Oh here’s the email. Alright, well I’ll just have to see your ID and then make copies of this for our records. If you want to pick up Peter, I can call him up here.” With a few words Tony’s mind came up with a brilliant (and slightly evil) plan. He handed over his ID while asking the one question that would make or break his idea. 


“Actually, could you tell me where he is? I want to go grab him myself, since he isn’t expecting anything and I want to surprise him. Oh, and try to keep this on the downlow. We’re giving Peter the opportunity to come out to the public with this information himself.” 


“Oh, well sure thing I’ll just need to get you a visitor’s pass. You’ll have to go through those doors and then up the stairs to the second floor, he’s in room 234. And we will follow all procedures necessary to guarantee student confidentiality.” She passed back his ID with a visitors pass and a smile.


Tony smiled and put the visitors pass on his chest, taking back the paperwork after the woman had finished making her copies. The billionaire followed the secretary’s instructions. He looked inside the classroom, where he could see many students. He recognized the back of Peter’s head, sitting next to his friends. Tony smiled as Peter answered a question correctly. He knocked on the door and opened it up, stopping the teacher mid-lecture on Captain America punching Nazis. 


The room was silent as Tony walked over to Peter “Pete, c’mon Happy’s waiting. I was thinking we could go get some ice cream since all the paperwork is done.” He put his hand on Peter’s shoulder as his friend Ted or Ned or whatever started to clearly internally freak out.


“But I want to learn?” Peter seemed mortified. The fact that he wanted to learn about Nazis over ice cream with his dad was proof of that. 


“C’mon, Cap can tell you all about the Nazis he punched.” He closed Peter’s notebook for him and put it into Peter’s backpack.


The teacher sputtered to life with, “You can’t take Peter. Only legal guardians can remove students unless its an emergency.”


“Well, I have the paperwork here saying I’m Pete’s guardian. Along with permission from the front office. Also I’m Tony Stark, I do what I want.” He opened the folder containing all the papers and showed the teacher. He blinked and looked to Peter. 


“ he telling the truth?” 


“Well I mean I knew that he was going to be taking guardianship and that he was going to come get everything set with the people in the front office but I didn't know he was coming to pick me up, but yeah he’s telling the truth uh.” Peter looked at Tony, and the two began to have a nonverbal conversation 


WHY are you here


To embarrass you, duh


Can I tell them you’re my dad? 


Only if you want to. Your choice.


Peter looked back at his teacher “Plus he’s my dad. So-”


“Okay, I could maybe believe the internship, but all of this is just great, Penis. What did you do, get on your knees and do some special begging for this?” An annoying voice came from the other side of the room.


Tony turned to the kid who was speaking with a glare that could probably kill, if not maim horrifically. He took one step to the child. Tony realized he recognized the kid from the video Natasha had shown him the day before. “Shut your fucking mouth about my son. Not only is that so disgusting but it is illegal. ”


“Dad, Uncle Steve said no to you hurting children.”


“He never said anything about verbally threatening, Peter. Get all of your things. Now, back to you. If I hear word of you bullying my son ever again I will have your name blacklisted from all colleges ever for bad mouthing the future CEO of Stark Industries. Or his friends for that matter, since MJ is so terrifying she would probably be a good head of security. And Ted-” 




“Whatever, Leeds is so smart he could probably be used as a personal technological expert for Peter. His name is Peter, by the way not Penis. Not all that smart of an insult really. So, kid who i don’t care enough to even know the name of-”


“Eugene Thompson”


“Thanks MJ, Eugene if you even dare to speak illy of my son again I will personally make sure you will never lay your hands on a piece of Stark technology again. And I will know, Black Widow has shown me videos of you beating him up, and she will look for even more videos because for some reason she loves Peter. The moment your grubby hands touch-” 


“Okay, c’mon stop threatening people with Aunt Nat. See you later Ned, MJ” Peter grabbed Tony’s hand and dragged him as he tried to sputter out another threat to Flash, who looked as if he had pissed his pants. That was confirmed when a moment later he asked to see the nurse and left a puddle in his seat. 


Peter dragged his Dad back to the car, even after he said it was okay and he wasn’t going to go threaten the kid again. He only let go of Tony’s hand when they were outside of the car. Peter made sure Tony got in first before sitting.


“Hey Happy. Did you know that dad just threatened a 16 year old?”


“Was it that Flash kid?” Happy looked to Tony through the rearview mirror as Peter answered. 




“Wait, is that like his nickname? That’s so stupid.” Tony scoffed as he pulled out his phone.


“I consider it a good thing. Now I won’t feel the need to punch him.” Happy began to drive to an ice cream place that was close to the school. And expensive. 


“Watch it Haps, your feelings are showing,” Tony joked as Peter swooned with, “Awe Happy, you do care” 


“Where to now, boss?” Happy said before Peter could say anything else.


“Uh, ice cream place. Somewhere that has mint chocolate chip. I’m feeling minty.” 




A few moments later, Tony and Peter were eating from ice cream cones, Tony with mint chocolate chip, and Peter with strawberry. 


“So, tell me, do you want to be public about everything?” Tony was worried. “Because I don’t think that it would be smart to ignore it.” 


“Yeah, I just don’t know the best way.”


“Well, we can do a lot of things. We can hold a press conference, post it on social media, shout it from the streets to paparazzi,” Tony smiles as Peter laughs. 


“Uh, how about we post it on all Stark Industries social media and all of yours. Just a pictures of us and an announcement. Then after a few days we can have a press conference. Just no daily bugle. They bash on Spider-Man too much.” Peter licked at some ice cream that was melting down the cone as Tony thought it over.


“Okay, sure. What should the picture and caption be, Petey?” Tony wanted Peter to make the decision. It’s a bigger part of his life in a sense. Peter thought his father was dead, but here was Tony being his dad all along. The older man just wanted to make sure his kid was comfortable with everything going on. Lord knew that Howard never gave him that chance.


“How about something really domestic and then like ‘Here’s Tony with his son Peter as they do yada yada’ or something like that?” 


“Domestic, eh? I’m not sure how domestic I can get. Should we put on frilly pink aprons?” Peter laughed almost dropping his ice cream. The two quickly finished as they discussed what would be going on in the domestic photo to be paired with the announcement.


“Wait, do we have to change my last name to Stark?” 


“We can hyphen it. Pep already has the paperwork ready, just needs you to confirm before it goes out.”


“Okay, let’s do that.”


So, father and son went to buy what was needed for the announcement of the youngest Stark.

Chapter Text



Stark Industries Official @siofficial


Here is Tony Stark, with his son Peter Parker-Stark baking cookies because Peter’s aunt isn’t allowed in the kitchens 

[A picture of Peter and Tony baking cookies. They are both putting cookies onto a baking sheet, and both wearing a light pink apron with hot pink ruffles on the edge. Tony’s has “Mr Dad Man” embroidered on his chest, with the same color thread as the ruffles. Peter’s has “Son Child Boy” in the same spot with the same color. Tony has a little bit of cookie dough on his nose, with a chocolate chip placed in the center on the tip of his nose. Peter has a streak of flour on his forehead. The kitchen around them is cluttered, but not messy. In the background, one can see Natasha on the counter, watching the two men fondly. Next to her is May, who is laughing with a cup of coffee in her hands.]


>Luke Love Ana @iloveubish

>Wait Tony Stark has a kid?? 


>Ana Love Luke @iwontstoplovinubish

>Holy shmokes wtf


> Spidey ILY @plsnoticemespidy

>Does @spideyofficial know Peter?


>> Spider-MAN @spideyofficial



>>> Spider ILY @plsnoticemespidy



>Iron Man Run Me Over @ellie_white3

>oo son is hoooot mmm yess dadddy


>>I Am Iron Man @TonyStark

>>Please stop. He’s a baby. 


>Road Work Ahead? @uhyeahisurehopeitdoes

>Mr Dad Man and Son Child Boy off to save the day

>>Whoever Threw That Paper @urmomsahoe

>>Name a better duo, I’ll wait

> Way To Go, Paul @paul.garrettson

>B.W is lookin hella fond did stark have a kid with her? 


>> Beter P Barker (Stark) @peterwithab

>>lol no my moms dead 

> Amanica @joekeeler

>Ew two men in the kitchen? Those ladies should be doing the baking

>> Crisis Sketchbook @emmjay

>>Misogynist. Go back to the 1500’s. 


> Ned Skywalker @gitcleeds



>> Beter P Barker (Stark) @peterwithab

>>ned, buddy  you found out with the rest of our history class


>>> Ned Skywalker @gitcleeds

>>>o rite. wait does that mean that i can come over and meet the avengers?? :o


>>>> Peter P Barker (Stark) @peterwithab

>>>>idk i’d have to ask dad


>>>>>I Am Iron Man @TonyStark

>>>>>Sure. Bring MJ too. 


>>>>>> Ned Skywalker @gitcleeds



>>>>>>>I Am Iron Man @TonyStark

>>>>>>>Just call me Tony, Ned


>>>>>>> Crisis Sketchbook @emmjay


I Am Iron Man @TonyStark

Yes, I have a son. He wanted to reveal via twitter “for the memes” he will from now on be living with me at Stark Tower and we are currently finding a bodyguard for him


> Andrew Loves Music @ad_raley

>yeah that seems smart 


> Tony Stark Is Daddy @tonycouldkillmenidthankhim

>”For the memes” oml he really is a gen z


> Tony Broke Into My Garage @potatogunk



>>I Am Iron Man @TonyStark

>> Harls I just found out. 


>>> Tony Broke Into My Garage @potatogunk

>>>I’ve been replaced. Goodbye, cruel world.


>>>>I Am Iron Man @TonyStark

>>>>Dramatic. If you’re nice I’ll let you visit this summer & you can meet him.


>>>> Tony Broke Into My Garage @potatogunk

>>>>Fine. Only to take my rightful spot as your fav.

Chapter Text

Assvengers Group Chat


[ Honey Bear is online 4:47 PM]


[ Pottery Barn is online 4:50 PM]


Honey Bear: Miss Potts, how are you this lovely afternoon? 


Pottery Barn: I could be better, if Tony actually showed up to meetings on time. 


Honey Bear: I believe he’s in the lab with Peter. They were getting way too sciency for me, so I’m reading a book.


Pottery Barn: I am going to make that man regret skipping out on his meetings. 


Honey Bear: Will you need any sort of assistance? I know you can be terrifying, but maybe we should enlist some help with this problem?


Pottery Barn: I’m all ears.


Honey Bear: Natasha is terrifying. And we could get her on our side easily. Tony is avoiding responsibilities. Steve might be of some assistance as well. And, if all else fails, we could ask Peter to assist us. 


Pottery Barn: Hm. We should create a separate group chat for this, then. One for planning, so Tony won’t find a way out.


Honey Bear: Alright, I’ll set it up. We shall discuss everything there, along with the people involved.


Pottery Barn: Yes, thank you. 


[ Pottery Barn deleted 10 messages from Assvengers ]

Honey Bear created the group chat No Name


Honey Bear named the group Get This Man To Work Task Force


Honey Bear added Pottery Barn and Mother Spider


[ Honey Bear is online 4:54 PM]


[ Pottery Barn is online 4:55 PM]


[ Mother Spider is online 4:57 PM]


Pottery Barn: Hello, Natasha. I have been having difficulties with Tony actually participating in the meetings he has to be present for. I was hoping that with the combined threat of you, Rhodey and myself, it might motivate him more.


Mother Spider: so you want me to scare tony into going to his meetings? 


Honey Bear: Basically.


Mother Spider: I’m in. When is the next meeting? 


Pottery Barn: Tomorrow afternoon at 1. It’s with an Italian company that specializes in vehicles that wants to discuss arc reactor technology being implemented in their newest cars. 


Mother Spider: thats….actually impressive. 


Honey Bear: Yeah, they’re trying to create more green alternatives. THey also specialize in biodegradable options for packaging. It would be good business. 


Pottery Barn: We need to make sure that he’s in the meeting room for the entire time. I was thinking of having Rhodey lead him in talking about how it’s important to him. That will help at least a little bit for him staying. However, if we add in Natasha in the room. I can have it written off as her being a guard for Tony - which is true, in the sense that you’ll be protecting him from me screaming at him once more.  


Mother Spider: and if an emergency occurs, rhodey and myself can assist. even clint can, if it comes to that.


Pottery Barn: Good point. 


Honey Bear: I feel like having Steve assist as well can help. He can be outside of the conference room, if he’s not busy. I’ll add him.


Honey Bear added Stove to Get This Man To Work Task Force


[ Stove is online 5:06 PM]


Honey Bear: Read all of the above.


Stove: How can I help Pepper?


Pottery Barn: If he tries to leave, you can push him back in. He’ll do anything if you


Pottery Barn: Oops ignore that last part. Just ask him to stay.


Stove: That is sus. But okay. 


Pottery Barn: Great. Rhodey, you start talking to him at 12:30 and convince him to actually come. If you’re having difficulties contact Natasha. He should be moving by 12:45 so he can be early. The cars are impressive and safe and can work with people who are disabled. Rhodey, you would really like it actually I can show you a few schematics so that you can find one you like and use it to motivate Tony.


Stove: This feels wrong. Like we’re lying.


Pottery Barn: He lies about fake emergencies to get out. And it’s not lying if Rhodey likes one of the models they’re planning. 


Stove: Alright. He’s getting what’s coming to him then. 


Pottery Barn: Alright everyone, good scheming, oh and F.R.I.D.A.Y be sure that Tony can’t see anything in this group chat.


F.R.I.D.A.Y: Yes, Miss Potts.


[ Honey Bear is offline 5:17 PM]


Stove: Wait how


Pottery Barn: All of our phones have F.R.I.D.A.Y in them. Well, Peter’s has his AI Karen. She’s like a baby sister to F.R.I.D.A.Y


[ Mother Spider is offline 5:19 PM]


Stove: Ah, well that’s good. See you at dinner.


[ Stove is offline 5:20]


[ Pottery Barn is offline 5:20]

Chapter Text

Get This Man To Work Task Force


[ Pottery Barn is online 12:20 PM]


[ Honey Bear is online 12:20 PM]


Honey Bear: Step 1 is going to be put into action momentarily.


Pottery Barn: Excellent. I am in the room already. Steve is here as well. 


Honey Bear: What was the name of the model I liked again? I just want to make sure.


Pottery Barn: The Sicura X. Make sure to tell him about all the safety features since he cares about that a lot for you. Maybe mention how it would be able to keep Peter super safe too. All he wants to do is protect us.


Honey Bear: Roger that. He’s coming up for lunch now. Step 1 is in action.


[ Honey Bear is offline 12:23 PM]


[ Mother Spider is online 12:25 PM]


Mother Spider: it looks like the plan is working.


Pottery Barn: Excellent. What are the current locations?


Mother Spider: tony is actually eating a lunch and rhodey is telling him about that car. tony’s intrigued by the safety features and appears to be asking about them.


Pottery Barn: Is Tony suspicious? 


Mother Spider: he was a little when rhodey mentioned the cars. he just said that you were really interested and he wanted to know why and he was interested with everything being green and super safe.


Pottery Barn: Good. And the possible threat if he questions you in the conference room? 


Mother Spider: ready if its needed. clint and bucky recorded it last night and i edited it quite well. clint did actually get hurt too, for the proof. 


Pottery Barn: Good job. And if Tony gets too worried? 


Mother Spider: i’ll reveal that i know how to stop bucky and staying near him until he’s on private floors will be the best bet possible. fri is ready to assist as well?


F.R.I.D.A.Y: Affirmative. 


Mother Spider: wonderful. 


[ Stove is online 12:34 PM]


Stove: Is everything working? 


Mother Spider: yes. they are on their way. im tailing them but not making it to obvi. 


Stove: Alright. Shall we start discussing the “problem” Miss Potts? 


Pottery Barn: Yes, lets. 


Mother Spider: they are entering the elevator now. 


Pottery Barn: Wonderful. I’ll leave now. F.R.I.D.A.Y it’s your time to shine.


F.R.I.D.A.Y: Yes Miss Potts.


[ Pottery Barn is offline 12:38 PM]


Stove: Nat, where are you? 


Mother Spider: omw in elevator


Stove: Great, Tony’s asking why I was in there.


Mother Spider: k stay stationed outside


Stove: Alright.


[ Stove is offline 12:45 PM]



[ Iron Daddy is online 12:51 PM]


[ Spider Son is online 12:54 PM]


Iron Daddy: Peter? Shouldn’t you be in class?


Spider Son: lunch just started


Iron Daddy: Make sure to bring home your friends. I would like to meet them and test Ned’s skills.


Spider Son: what are u testing him with? 


Iron Daddy: Since he was able to hack your suit I’m going to test him on Fri. 


F.R.I.D.A.Y: Boss, please put away your phone for the meeting before I manually shut it off. 


Spider Son: wow pepper really did that.


Iron Daddy: Fine. See ya later, kiddo.


[ Iron Daddy is offline 1:00 PM]


Spider Son: hey friday are you gonna be ok if ned does hack into you?


F.R.I.D.A.Y: Yes, Mini Boss. There is a section of my code that Boss has set aside for Mr. Leeds to test on.


Spider Son: can you call ned my guy in the chair? it would make him v happy.


F.R.I.D.A.Y: Affirmative, Mini Boss. Ned Leeds identification is now Mini Boss’s Guy In The Chair.


Spider Son: yay.


[ Birb is online 1:03 PM]


Birb: hey, spidey if your dad freaks about Bucky and calls you don’t be afraid or anything. I mean, I did get hurt but not as bad as he thinks.


Spider Son: wat


Birb: Pepper and Rhodey wanted a way to make sure that he would stay in the meeting today b/c it’s v important and it involved me getting minorly hurt. 


Spider Son: kk. 


[ Birb deleted 4 messages from Assvengers ]


Birb: is that Flash kid giving you any more troubles? 


Spider Son: no. i think dad scared him. he pissed himself apparently.


Birb: ohmygod I’m totally having Nat find that video and sending it to me. 


Spider Son: well, he was staying off of it.


Birb: call me. put me on speaker. or the holo thingy that your phone can do now.


Spider Son: i dont have a choice do i


Birb: nope


Spider Son called Birb

In Midtown Tech Cafeteria


Peter calls Clint on his phone and activated the hologram before placing it down on the table. Flash, who was prevoiously teasing Peter about “paying off Tony Stark somehow” glared.


“Hey Penis! Pay attention to me or I’ll break that fucking phone!” 


A hologram of Clint Barton came up and stared at Flash.


“Oh I know you didn’t just threaten to break my nephew’s phone.” The entire cafeteria grew silent as students noticed Hawkeye on a hologram in front of Peter Parker. The superhero began to talk to Flash, “You would think that Tony Stark picking up his kid and posting it on social media would give you the advice to stop bullying Peter! You must be an idiot, how did you even get into this school? I bet I could have Nat find out for me. Hey Peter, remind me to ask her later. Anyways, I’ve seen the videos of you beating up Peter here. And if you think that all the other Avengers haven’t as well, then you’re mistaken. I’d recommend not doing that anymore if you want to not deal with us. Or just ignore Peter. You know, Spider-Man is awfully close to Peter. And Black Widow really likes Peter. Hell, his aunt is downright terrifying. And now that she doesn't have to worry about money as much she can help us if you hurt Peter again. So step off kid.” Clint, whose face had grown darker (and more evil) with every sentence brightened as the hologram turned to face Peter, his tone brighter than it had been for his speech. 


“Hey, don’t forget that tonight your dad is going to teach you some cooking. It’s something his mom taught him. Pretty sure it’s gonna be good since it has bacon. Your friends can stay for dinner I think. Happy will just have to take them home whenever. See ya later, kiddo!” The hologram dissipated and the cafeteria was filled with an eerie silence.


“Tony freaking Stark is teaching you to cook?” Ned said after a few seconds.


“Well, yeah? He said something about passing on recipes his mom gave him.” 


The cafeteria slowly began to come back to life, with the only person still staring at where there once was Clint Barton being Flash. He quickly ran away as a stain began to form around his crotch.