“And now, an update from the Division of Erotic Experiences. The last time I looked in on Jasmine Aashna and Doctor Dunkelwissen they were nowhere to be seen. The only thing I found was a notation on their whiteboard that said ‘better butts’ with a bunch of question marks after it. This was vague enough to be concerning, and also kind of intriguing. What would constitute ‘better butts?’ What metric would be used to assess these new and improved butts? Were they looking to improve upon an existing butt or to create an entirely new one?
Well, shareholders, I can now report that the answer was closer to the latter. After many months of laying low - and, apparently, of highly scientific ass-engineering - the Division announced the culmination of the project late last week. A press conference was held in the basement ballroom which was packed with shareholders, staff, and members of the press all waiting with bated breath to see exactly what these ‘better butts’ might be.
Jasmine Aashna and Doctor Dunkelwissen appeared on stage wearing stark white jumpsuits and dark goggles. They nodded, first to each other, then to the gathered crowd, and then finally to me in my special CEO box on the south wall. Then the lights went out. I was initially worried it might be another assassination attempt and began hastily to don my new Dark Mega body armor, made for me by the Division of Personal Safety and Exoskeletons. But then the stage was hit by a spotlight, we heard a slight whirring noise, and something...blindingly shiny was lowered from the fly. It hung there, suspended and rotating and so very shiny. Jasmine and the Doctor stood beneath the object, arms raised dramatically above their heads.
Shareholders, the more astute among you have probably already guessed - or maybe you were present and this is all old news to you. The sparkling item was a butt. A disembodied butt covered in hundreds of tiny mirrors like a huge, gluteal disco ball. It truly was a sight to behold.
The assembled crowd stared in silence for a minute, just...taking it all in. I heard gasps and cries and at least one person weeping openly. Then the applause began. Those people clapped and cheered and cried and screamed their appreciation for this, the better butt.
It’s...frankly a little concerning. We’ll be monitoring the situation closely. There’s only so many cults one evil corporation can reasonably host.”