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I'm Not Here, No One Is Here

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Marvin was smart, Marvin was educated, Marvin was an atheist who studied the sciences. Marvin was a troll, Marvin was heated, Marvin had met God.

It hadn't always been that way. He'd always been a neurochemist who had some impressive brains, but only recently did he time travel with God after getting his phone turned into a fish.

Oh God, Oh God that Marvin didn't believe in. Can late-night insomnia affect oneself during the day?

That was when it all started. Marvin had been up in the middle of the night after caring for his daughter, as usual. He was unable to sleep, as usual. He logged on to his favorite debate forum, as usual. And then God contacted him, as...not usual.

Well, if it even was God. That was where Marvin was lost. The exact audio he'd received said, "I think this is God." But then it had responded to Marvin's thoughts, so Marvin decided to stop his thoughts and sleep. But then it happened again in the morning.

Marvin would stop being an atheist in a heartbeat if there was proof of a higher power. But was this proof? No, it wasn't. And Marvin hated not having proof, so he asked for some. And his phone turned into a fish. The thing was, this had happened to other people too, other people that Marvin personally worked with. So at least he wasn't alone - or was he? One good thing was that he had a great story to tell. Time travel. Splitting up the sea. So many miracles. But Marvin still didn't believe in God. There were scientific explanations for all of that.

How ironic. Science could explain all of the seemingly supernatural stuff that Marvin had gone through, but it couldn't explain the emotions he was experiencing.

Don't freak out, he thought to himself. Hello Marvin, I think this is Marvin. He saw Little God's eyes when he closed his eyes, her eyes looking back at him, her eyes underneath his eyelids. He was always screaming. Screaming. Marvin thought about what he believed in. He believed in himself. He believed in rational thought. He believed in science. He believed in what he had gone through, that there were worldly explanations for it all.

How did his belief system break down, with the appearance of Little God?

Softly. Without trauma. In a series of imperceptible shifts.

Oh God, Oh God that Marvin had met. Oh Little God, Oh Little God, why have you forsaken me?

This was not an addiction. This was...this was being hanged upside down by the neck and feeling all of the blood rushing to your head and not knowing if it's better to die from a broken neck or asphyxiation or by letting yourself fall out of the tree and cracking your skull into a thousand little pieces and OH GOD, OH GOD THAT WAS WHAT GOD HAD DONE BUT IT WASN'T GOD BECAUSE THERE WAS NO GOD BUT THERE WAS NO TRULY SCIENTIFIC ANSWER EITHER.

Marvin was singled out once again, as the sole friend of Saul that couldn't be helped. They couldn't change what had happened to him. They couldn't change his beliefs, because Marvin wasn't even sure what his beliefs were anymore. And maybe he wasn't supposed to be sure. That was what he hated. He needed to know everything all the time, preferably through science. And suddenly, he didn't. Science had never failed him before. It still hadn't, not technically. But he was so damn confused. So goddamn confused, so Little God damn confused. His experiences made a bit of logical sense individually, but they hardly did when combined into one.

He was okay with other people having nonscientific beliefs! He casted no judgment on Velma's tarot, on Toby's conspiracies, on some of his co-workers' newfound belief in God. But when it came to himself, he was lost. He was lost, and the only way he could be found was by admitting defeat. He was not ready to admit defeat, but he was ready to admit one thing: His experience. He was ready to tell the Friends Of Saul all about it. And after he did so, he was still lost, but now that he had opened up maybe the group could help to lead him back to safety.