Enjouji squeezed his pillow tight at night. He kissed it and humped it and called it princess. When he licked it, his tongue got covered in fluff until he giggled so loud his mother would knock on the door and he would have to pretend he was snoring. Enjouji was good at pretending. He had long talks with his pillow, the sort of talks he wanted to have with Ranmaru but couldn't. He talked about the algebra questions in chapter twelve that baffled him so much he was starting to think he would fail math this semester. He talked about his mother, and how tired she seemed, and how he wanted to take care of her but didn't know how, and how it made him lonely sometimes just looking at her. He talked about this funny girl in the tea ceremony club who had such a crush on him she'd broken six cups out of sheer nervousness.
He talked about how beautiful Ranmaru looked in his kendo gear, with his feral eyes glittering beneath eyelids as fragile as rice paper and his sweaty red forelock peeking out from under the face guard. He loved the way Ranmaru looked so pretty and so rabid, all at once. Sometimes Enjouji imagined Ranmaru was a wild animal at the zoo, and there were crowds standing around ooh-ing and ah-ing and taking Ranmaru's photograph as he paced back and forth inside his cage, glaring at them hungrily. There was a sign up saying 'Do Not Feed The Wild Animal', but Enjouji wasn't scared; he marched right up to the cage and stuck a hand through the wire. Sometimes Ranmaru nuzzled and licked at him; sometimes he bit Enjouji's hand clean off. Both endings made Enjouji reach for his tissues. He didn't like to mess up his pillow.
Sometimes Enjouji imagined that Ranmaru was pregnant with his baby under all that kendo gear. It was such a silly thought it made Enjouji blush and giggle and squirm with delight. He imagined kneeling at Ranmaru's feet and tucking his hands up Ranmaru's pleated pantaloons, and maybe licking at Ranmaru's knees until they shook. He imagined rubbing Ranmaru's belly bump and whispering to it about how beautiful and brave Ranmaru was and what a lucky baby it was to have them for parents and how he, Enjouji, was going to marry Ranmaru and take care of them forever. Sometimes Ranmaru cried with happiness, and sometimes he kicked Enjouji away.
When Enjouji began high school, his mother gave him a kendo sword, which seemed like a weird thing to do. Normally she just gave him stationery and book coupons and clothes. He wondered if he'd said something to make her think he wanted to take up kendo. He never talked to her about Ranmaru, even though Ranmaru was pretty much the only thing on his mind, and kendo was the only thing on Ranmaru's. Sometimes Enjouji thought he might hate kendo.
He took the sword to bed with him at night. The tip of the sword was covered in leather. He sucked it into his mouth, imagining it was Ranmaru's cock. Just thinking about Ranmaru's cock made him smile, and that made his teeth dig into the leather, and that made him mad, because he didn't like to think he might hurt Ranmaru like that. So he tried to not think about Ranmaru and remember that the sword was just a sword and practice was just practice, even if this wasn't the sort of practice his mother had had in mind. He suckled at the tip, keeping his teeth tucked behind his lips, and rubbed at the cool bamboo staves with one hand while he stroked his hot, hard cock with the other.
After that first fucked-up fuck, Enjouji felt nervous. It was one thing to be in love with someone from afar, and quite another to be in love with someone after you've fucked him. It changed things. Maybe he'd hurt Ranmaru, and maybe Ranmaru wouldn't forgive him, and maybe he'd just messed everything up in the worst possible way and was going to lose Ranmaru at the precise moment he realised he couldn't breathe without him.
He knew the safest thing to do was to keep his mouth shut, so he opened it instead. "Ran-chan? Are you all right?"
Ranmaru blushed and muttered, "Yes."
Enjouji's haunches were aching, so he drew Ranmaru from the support of the wall and lay him carefully on the floor. His cock slipped from Ranmaru's body, and limp and exhausted as he was, Enjouji still wanted to cram himself back inside. Instead he brushed the hair from Ranmaru's face and wondered if he would get bitten for his trouble. "You can break my arms now if you want to."
Ranmaru only shook his head, panting. The fucking had made him hard again. Enjouji found some tissues in his pocket and wiped his own cock dry before pressing the tissues gently between Ranmaru's legs. He didn't know whether he should get undressed or not. He crossed to the dojo door, locked it, then returned to Ranmaru's side, leaving a trail of school uniform in his wake. He didn't tell Ranmaru the door had been unlocked all this time.
He'd called them men before, when he'd first taken Ranmaru's cock in his hand. Now, as he took the soggy wad of tissue and examined it for blood, he felt about ten years old. Or maybe a hundred. There was no blood on the tissue. He didn't know what to do with it, so he left it on the floor.
He touched Ranmaru's cock hesitantly, and Ranmaru batted his hand away with a grunt. He covered Ranmaru with his own body, squeezing Ranmaru's legs in tight between his own, and tucking his arms beneath Ranmaru's shoulders so that he could cradle his head in his hands. Ranmaru wrapped his own arms around Enjouji, digging his fingers in. "I can feel your callouses," Enjouji whispered into the humid hollow beneath Ranmaru's ear. It was strange and wonderful to be skin to skin like this. Ranmaru's cock lay sandwiched between their bellies. It felt like it belonged to Enjouji, like there was no difference between them.
Ranmaru tugged at the band in Enjouji's hair until dark strands tickled against their skin. "I can feel your hair."
Enjouji rubbed the tip of his nose against Ranmaru's before kissing him hard. "I want to feel every part of you," he said into Ranmaru's mouth. "I'd like to fuck you all over. Not just your mouth or your asshole. I wish I could shove my cock in your ears, in your belly button. Between your toes, each one of them. That'd be, like, eight separate fucks. Sixteen if I fuck between your fingers too." Ranmaru giggled, a shy, rare sound. Enjouji didn't know why Ranmaru was laughing when he was being deadly serious for once. He could feel Ranmaru's underarm hair, hot and matted with sweat, rubbing against his skin, and he licked his way there and nuzzled his nose in deep. "I want to fuck these armpits too. I love the way you smell."
When he raised his head for breath at last, Ranmaru was watching him with shining, feral eyes and Enjouji thought about digging his thumbs in and putting those eyes out and fucking the blind sockets until Ranmaru's sight was filled with Enjouji like Enjouji's was full of Ranmaru. It scared him to think of how much power Ranmaru had over him. Instead of making him secure about Ranmaru, the fucking only made him feel a thousand times more possessive and vulnerable and insane.
"You haven't let some other guy touch you, have you?" he asked suddenly.
Ranmaru just looked at him as if he was crazy. Maybe he really was. "Don't be stupid."
"It's just..." Enjouji could feel a distinct disconnect between his brain telling him to shut up now, and his idiot mouth which wanted to babble on regardless. "I thought it would be more difficult. I thought I'd need to get you ready, with fingers and lube and stuff. I've thought about it a lot, you know. I thought if it happened, I wanted it to be perfect for you, so you'd want me right back, and never want anyone else except me. But instead I did everything wrong. And you just dropped to a crouch like we were going to play kendo and you took it." Ranmaru bared his teeth, but Enjouji's mouth still wouldn't be quiet. "So how did you take it like that, huh? Ran-chan? You been taking it from other guys?"
Ranmaru's hands twisted viciously in Enjouji's hair. "What is wrong with you?" he hissed. "First you fuck me, then you say you love me, and now you're trying to pick a fight? What have you got to be jealous about anyhow? You're the one who's popular. You're the one with girls chasing after you all the time. And you're the one who's always avoiding me, even after you promised to practise with me. If anyone should be jealous here, it's me. Now get off me."
Enjouji pulled his arms out from under Ranmaru and tried to wrestle Ranmaru's hands out of his hair. He was having a hard time holding Ranmaru's legs still between his own. "You haven't answered me yet. Have you been letting other guys fuck you while I was stupid enough to sit around waiting for us to grow up?"
"Do you really think you're a grown up? You sound like a stupid little brat. I can't believe I ever thought you were good with words, that you were careful of people's feelings. You're not being careful with mine."
"Do you have any feelings? Ran-chan?" Enjouji shook him. "I just told you I'm in love with you, but you didn't say it back."
"Don't force me to say stuff, okay? I'm here, aren't I?"
"You're here because I've got you pinned."
Ranmaru threw him off abruptly and stood up, glaring down at Enjouji. "I'm still here, aren't I?"
So. Fucked-up fuck followed by fucked-up fight. All in the space of maybe fifteen minutes. If that.
Enjouji looked up into Ranmaru's furious face and wondered if he should take comfort in the fact that Ranmaru hadn't stormed off. Given that Ranmaru was stark naked with a painful-looking erection and what was probably a very sore bottom, and that Enjouji was sprawled all over his clothing, Enjouji wasn't prepared to take much comfort at all.
"You have no sense of courtesy," Ranmaru said at last.
And that was just so Ran-chan that Enjouji almost laughed until he remembered that that was a bad idea. Instead he rolled over and offered up Ranmaru's crumpled robe. Ranmaru stared hard at him before rolling his eyes.
Enjouji couldn't help smiling. He couldn't figure out why he'd felt so wild just minutes ago. It seemed very stupid now. He rose to his feet and dropped the robe around Ranmaru's shoulders. "I'm sorry, Ran-chan. I don't know why I was so rude." He pressed his lips against Ranmaru's brow. "I don't want to fuck this up, all right? You're a lot easier to talk to in my imagination and I just didn't think any of this was going to happen today. I didn't know it would ever happen at all. I'm nervous and I'm messing up and my mouth is full of stupid stuff. But I love you, okay? I love you."
Ranmaru's hands crept out from the folds of the robe to touch Enjouji's sides gently. "You're shaking."
Enjouji decided that was as close to 'I love you' as he was likely to hear today. "So are you, princess," he said, before stroking Ranmaru's lips with his own. "Shall I do something about this?"
Ranmaru hissed as Enjouji touched his cock. "D-don't. You don't have to."
"I want to."
"It's too soon. I just came."
"You come on a timetable? I guess that's the sort of thing your boyfriend needs to know." Ranmaru took a swing at him, but Enjouji was already dropping to his knees and holding Ranmaru's hips still. "Gently, gently. I haven't done this before." He took a tentative lick, feeling nervous and strange and almost drunk at the taste of salt and Ran-chan. He thought of all those nights sucking on that stupid sword and could've blushed for his own silliness. The idea of Ranmaru had grown in his head until Enjouji felt flattened by it. And now Ranmaru was standing in his arms, sexy and cranky, trembling and real. The hot weight of Ranmaru's cock was solid between his lips. Ranmaru's fingers were clamped hard around his wrists. This was happening whether Enjouji was ready or not, and he wanted to give way to it. He leant back a little, grinning as Ranmaru sobbed at the loss of contact. He looked up into Ranmaru's flushed, frantic face and said, "Just fuck my stupid mouth, okay? Shut me up before I say anything else."
Ranmaru grabbed two fistfuls of Enjouji's hair and obeyed. Enjouji found his mouth filled with cock and wondered how he'd ever thought he could prepare for this hot, slick slide of flesh, for this feeling of control, and for the loss of control also. Ranmaru's hips pumped urgently beneath his hands, and Enjouji squeezed his fingertips into Ranmaru's ass cheeks, hurrying him on. When he looked up he could see Ranmaru's eyes shut tight. He remembered that he'd been the one to teach Ranmaru that. He'd told Ranmaru that closing his eyes was the proper etiquette. He wondered how he could have been such an idiot. Enjouji wouldn't close his eyes now for anything. He didn't want to miss a thing.
When they moved in together, Ranmaru was surprised to find a kendo sword amongst Enjouji's belongings. Ranmaru had left his own equipment at his grandfather's; there was no point packing things he would never use again. Some nights, when Enjouji was working late at the host club, Ranmaru would take Enjouji's sword and hold it in his hands. His fingers were stale, and the sword trembled before him as he dropped into a crouch. Sometimes it felt like he was entering a trance; sometimes it felt like he was waking up. And when Enjouji came home in the small hours, drunk and gleeful and horny, Ranmaru would hold him tight, listening patiently to his cheerful ramblings and sharing his soft, sleepy kisses.