“Alright, my starlight, we really need a few stuff from the store,” Lucy sighed as she sat down on the kitchen table. Michelle didn’t look up from her phone and waved absently,
Yeah, sure. Just write it down and I’ll get it later today.”
“I mean a lot of stuff… Clothes too. Bean has been growing a lot lately and we need new socks because the kids keep putting holes in them an-,”
“Wait,” Michelle looked up, with wide eyes, “you want to tell me we have to bring…” She paused dramatically, “All of them at once?”
Lucy nodded solemnly, and her husband dropped her phone.
“You remember what happened last time, right?”
“I do, but we can do it.” Lucy placed a hand on Michelle’s and instantly the Dutch girl felt a wave of calmness wash over her.
"I suppose we can.” They both sighed at the same time, dreading to deal with their kids in a public place.
Within 2 hours they were driving towards their local mall. Michelle was driving, Lucy was glancing through the mirror, keeping their children in check. There were 6 backseats. In the last one was placed Anthony, Nico and Lee, since they hardly fought with each other. In front of them were Bean, Lise and Pixel. Bean had to be placed behind Lucy, so she could keep a watchful eye over them and the goldfish, Bread Rolls they refused to leave behind. Once the car started to drive, it turned into complete chaos and Michelle was gripping the steering wheel until her knuckles turned white. Anthony and Nico were both playing on their DS and constantly yelling about which Pokémon they had caught.
Lee was soundly asleep, luckily. Lucy was still amazed at how the little baby grandpa was able to in the situation. Pixelpuns was listening to the music on her phone and staring outside, Lise was drawing and Bean was straight up yelling all the things she wanted to buy. The fish did the same. Lucy turned to the back, shushing Bean before her dear husband would explode out of stress and/or anger. Bean did not listen and knocked the drawing book out of Lise’s hands.
“You ruined my drawing!” The girl yelled as she picked up the book. She looked sadly at the drawing and glared at Bean.
“dijsfjsdfhjkasdfh” Yelled Beans in freaky English.
Ant started to cheer loudly as Nico was trying to catch a rare Pokémon called Rattata. This was all happening at the same time and Michelle looked at Lucy with eyes that screamed: ‘God, have mercy on us.’ Lucy just chuckled and placed a kiss on Michelle’s cheek.
Once they were inside the mall, Michelle hurried to get a shopping cart to dump the kids into. Bean was no way to be trusted so they got placed inside the red kiddy-seat, safely locked up. Lee placed next to them. Lucy got her list and stared at it.
“Okay everyone, we will begin with clothing. I want everyone to stay close to either me or your dad, so we- Kids??” She exclaimed as she looked around. Ant, Nico and Lise were gone. Pixelpuns was still standing there, staring at the floor. “Michelle, where did the kids go??”
Michelle looked up from a Donald Duck magazine. “Oh fuck- I mean, shi—flip-sticks. Oops?”
“What? You were talking to them? How could they have left that quickly? Pixel, where are your siblings.”
Pixel looked up and removed one of her earbuds. “What?”
“I have siblings?”
"I--” Michelle rubbed her temples in defeat.
While Lucy was talking, Anthony, Nico and Lise wandered off like the bad kids they are. They ran through the enormous halls to find an interesting section. Anything better than clothes. Lise found her ‘heaven’ first as she stopped in the art section of the store. Rows of coloured pencils and paints were lined up on the wall. She looked around, in case her parents were still around and… proceeded to open every can and bottle she could find.
Anthony and Nico were still running around until they bumped into the bathroom-section. A big pyramid of toilet paper was sitting in the middle of the room and Anthony’s eyes light up like a Christmas tree.
“I. have. To. Climb. It. ” He murmured. He ran into the fucking paper pyramid and everything fell because Anthony has no control. The fall was soft, luckily. Nico took a few steps back and then sprinted into the sea of toilet paper. They started to throw the stuff around and play with it like it was water. A few people were just staring at the chaos, not knowing what to do.
Michelle was pushing the cart with Bean, Bread rolls and Lee in it. Lucy just held Pixel’s hand as she started to read the list. Michelle went and retrieved the objects as quickly as possible. Bean stared at the huge isles and started to grab random shit and throw it in the cart without any of the parents noticing. Bean opened a can of gummy worms and threw it in the fishbowl. The worms were toxic and as Bread Rolls ate them, their little fishy body started to change, and two legs grew.
Lucy looked at the cart. “Um, why do we have… condoms? I – We don’t need them?” She said while holding the pack.
“What, darling? Wait what?? I didn’t – I know we don’t--- I didn’t do it!!” Michelle exclaimed with worry. The husbands looked at each other and then at Bean, who was already throwing all the pickles in the cart without a care in the world.
“Bean stop it!”
“Bean, fucking stop, bastard!” Lucy and Michelle yelled at the same time.
Bean looked at them and then grinned devilishly. They threw in more pickles.
“Goo goo, gaa gaa. I can’t talk yet bitch. I’m 2.” Said Bean in the lowest voice ever.
“I’LL KILL YO-“
“No killing, my love.” Lucy said through a grimace, “There are people watching us.” She pointed at a few people who were walking past them.
Michelle relaxed but put the pickles back with loud slams.
“Let me push the cart now, you can read the list.” Lucy handed Michelle the list, who sighed.
They walked further, not knowing that Pixel had been kidnapped by a mysterious stranger.
After a few minutes, the couple went into the art-section and they stopped in their tracks, staring with disbelieve at the store. Everything was covered in paints. All the colors of the rainbow were mixed.
“What the hell happened here??”
Suddenly, a little monster appeared in front of them. A brownish goo was dripping from its arms and legs and made loud splashing sounds as it moved.
“What the actual fuck?!??” Michelle took a step back. Lucy kneeled, and it ran towards her.
“There is so much paint!” Lise exclaimed happily.
“Lise?” Lucy asked.
“Yeah!” The brown monster said happily.
“What did you do, you silly thing?” Lucy wiped the paint off the girl’s face.
“Oh, fuck we have to wash her before WE have to pay for this mess!” Michelle said quickly.
“Good idea. Who goes?”
“I’ll go, quickly. You move away from this place and search for the other devils. We gotta get outta here.”
Michelle placed a kiss on Lucy’s cheek and rushed off with Lise in her hands towards the bathrooms, ready to tell the cleaner her child had shit herself so badly as to not raise suspicion.
When she arrived at the restrooms, everyone stared at them.
Nico and Anthony were still happily playing in the sea of toilet paper until a loud voice interrupted them.
“And what is happening over here? Where are your parents, boys?” An employee asked. She had her hands on her hips and looked very strict. The two boys gulped in fear and looked at each other.
“Well?” The employee asked again.
Nico jumped up and ran, Anthony stood there, paralyzed.
“Young man!!” The woman yelled and then grabbed Anthony by the wrist. “Seems I will have to-” She was cut off abruptly as Nico kicked her in the knees and pulled Anthony with him.
“I’m not leaving you behind! Besides, I found this awesome knife!” Nico said while running. He held up a knife as big as a sword.
“Wow…” Anthony said amazed, both at the bizarre long knife and Nico’s heroic action. They made their way to the bedroom section and hid underneath the biggest bed they could find. They waited for a few minutes, afraid the angry employee woman would return and kill them.
Lucy was now pushing the shopping cart with Bean, Bread rolls and Lee in it. Lee was clapping her hands excitedly and Lucy grinned. Lee was literally the only sweet child. Next to the baby was Bean, who was trying to drink the water from Bread rolls fishbowl.
“No?? We don’t do that, Bean.” Said Lucy as she pulled the bowl away from Bean. The toddler immediately began crying.
“GIMME MY BREAD ROLLS OR I’LL HIT TEENAGERS and NEVER SLEEEEEEP AGAAAAAAAIN.” Lucy looked at the toddler with horror in her lovely eyes and handed the fish bowl back.
“Fine, but don’t eat your little friend. Wait, are those legs?” She noticed the little legs Bread Rolls had grown. Nobody answered, so she just continued her list. She bought 200 pieces of underwear, just in case. She looked at some nice clothes. One had an Opossum on it and she immediately wanted to buy it for Anthony. When she turned around, Beans was gone. Lucy swallowed in fear.
“Shit…” She murmured.
Bean had left as soon as Lucy’s back was turned towards them. It was easy, really. Bean was like the boss baby from DreamWorks. Like, a human baby who can talk and wear a suit. Only Bean doesn’t wear suits and isn’t as dumb as a baby. They found their way towards the Animal Section. Bean and Bread Rolls smiled as they realized how much fun they could have. There they saw them: 200 puppies, all running around in the play area. Bean walked towards them and started to play with them. Bread Rolls started to ride one puppy like it was a horse and started to do crazy stuns. Bean looked at them, unimpressed and choke slammed the puppy Bread was riding on.
Bread Rolls cried. Bean had won once again.
Michelle was done cleaning Lise and they walked back towards Lucy. Only, Lucy was gone, and Michelle found herself incredibly lost. “Shit..” Michelle murmured as she looked at the 200 different pathways. Where would her lady have gone… Probably the Bathroom area. Yes, that must be it.
Upon walking into the Bathroom section, the entire ground was covered in white toilet paper. “What happened here?” Michelle asked, and a woman turned towards her.
“Two blasted kids were tearing the place down. I can’t believe their parents weren’t there to keep them in check.” The older woman shook her head. Michelle started to sweat.
“Y-yeah… Where- Uh, where did those kids go?” She asked, stuttering.
“There.” The woman pointed at the bedroom section and Michelle sprinted, with Lise behind her.
Anthony and Nico were scared as fuck.
“Should we leave?” Asked Ant as he peaked from under the bed.
“I dunno… I—AAAAAAAAAAH.” Nico yelled as their cover was blown. He pointed the knife-swords towards his attacker, who fell back on their ass.
“Nico?! How IN HELLS NAME DID YOU GET THAT LONG ASS KNIFE??” Michelle yelled angrily. Nico dropped the knife.
“Did you mess around with toilet paper?” Michelle, the now strict parent asked with an angry expression.
The boys looked at each other, not saying a word.
“Just be honest.”
“Yes…” Anthony and Nico said at the same time.
Michelle stared at the two. “Nice.. it should teach them not to make stupid ass pyramids. Good job.” She ruffled their hair and then took their hands, afraid they would run off again. “Let’s find the boring, but good-looking dad and then we can finally go home…” She said with a tired tone.
The boys were still surprised that they were not in trouble but didn’t question any further.
“But, uhh, boys… don’t tell your other dad… that I complimented you… Udfjgddgk.”
They all nodded.
“How did you make that sound with your mouth???” Asked Anthony.
Lucy pushed Lee and the cart a lot quicker now, desperate to find their toddler. The shopping list was long forgotten. Oh goodness, they had lost all their children except Lee and Pix-. Lucy turned around. Where was Pixel????? Oh no, oh no, oh no. Lucy made her way to the Animal-section. Her head shot up as she heard the familiar sound of… dogs! She made her way to the pit of 200 dogs and she gasped. Bean was wrestling with so many dogs?!! It was unbelievable. Bread Rolls, the fish was riding the dog and rushing towards Bean, who was throwing dogs in the air like they were empty cola cans. Lucy ran towards the dogs and did her best to save as many dogs as she could.
”Bean stop this madness?!! How the hell are you throwing so many dogs???”
Bean looked at her and was punched in the stomach by a dog, who was controlled by Bread Rolls.
Bean fell and died.
Lucy gasped and dropped the 19 puppy’s and picked up Bean. “Öh no??! What??? Why are you so weak???”
Bean opened one eye, looked at Lucy and placed a hand on her cheek. Lucy’s eyebrows raised up, and she looked uncomfortable at the situation.
“Oh my god, they are saying their first word??!!” Lucy exclaimed.
Lucy stared in awe at the toddler.
“Okay just say it Bean….”
“Bean—We- we can’t Keep doing this!!!!” Lucy said angrily and dropped the toddler into the shopping cart. Bread Rolls was forgotten and was still riding a puppy. She was king of the puppy pit.
Michelle started to make her way towards the exit, planning on waiting there for her dear husband to return to her. Luckily, she had all the kids they had lost. There, she saw Lucy walk towards them with Abby and Lee in her cart. Michelle ran towards her.
“You survived!!! Do we have everything?” Michelle asked.
“Yes. I think we are done for today. I am completely exhausted, my love.”
“You did a good job, honey.” Michelle smiled and gave Lucy’s hand a gentle squeeze. They looked at each other with love in their eyes.
“Okay, let’s go parents!!!!” Lise said, pointing at the exit.
“Oh, right! Let’s go.”
They paid for all the objects, which turned out to be their entire budget. (“Why 200 pieces of underwear babe???” “Don’t ask me…” “Fine..”) and they placed it all in the car. The ride home was not as chaotic as before. They were all sleeping peacefully. Nico with his head on Ant’s shoulder, Bean upside down in the baby-chair, Lise with a soft snore. Only Lee was wide awake, screaming for food and attention. Lucy and Michelle looked at each other, not happy at all.
That night, after dinner/tea, Lucy and Michelle got into bed, tired after a loooonng ass day. They kissed each other goodnight and closed their eyes. They hoped not to wake up for another 12 hours. Or more if they had a choice. Suddenly, Lucy opened her eyes.
“Shit, we forgot Pixelpuns!”
Michelle’s eyes shot open as well.