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Missing You

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1 Month Later

He was certain that he’d hear from her. Maybe not the next day but the day after that, but it was two weeks later when he’d tried to see her at her office and found out quickly that he’d been barred from visiting that he gave up. His heart was shattered, and he had to admit he’d never felt such rejection. Bill didn’t even understand what he’d done wrong. After the initial shock and pain of her rejection he put it all behind him. He had to go on, he’d been warned that she was cold hearted, but Bill refused to believe it, but now there was nothing else he could believe about her. Not after the way she’d treated him.

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She was miserable. She hadn’t been this miserable when her marriage ended. She had truly fucked up with him and making it so that he couldn’t visit was low even she had to admit that. She’d expected an angry phone call from him the day she’d been told he did try to come to her office, but all communication stopped.

Hillary wasn’t sure what she thought was going to happen. Maybe he would show up at her house and they’d argue and… She stopped that train of thought, this was what she wanted, and she got it.

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Bill worked the room. He’d pulled himself together and gotten back to work. He didn’t just lobby for money this was important to him. He believed in the work being done by the organization.

She should have known he’d be here. And now she found herself hiding of sorts from him. Although she didn’t want to talk to him or for him to know she was there, Hillary couldn’t stop looking at him. She tracked him with her eyes, struggling to pay attention to conversations she was in. Surges of jealousy overcame her when she saw him talking to a woman and paid too much attention to her for Hillary’s liking.

Hillary longed for the days before she fucked everything up. When they’d be at the same event, never speaking but stealing glances at each other from across the room. He’d make funny faces when no one was looking that made her struggle to hide her giggles. Afterwards they’d find a little hole in the wall and have great food and even better conversation. He wasn’t just a man she was somewhat romantically involved with, he was her friend. Now he was nothing and she was at fault.

Bill felt someone staring at him. He’d felt it a few times throughout the night. This time he slowly turned around and nearly stumbled when he saw her across the room. He hadn’t expected her to be here, yet there she was. A lump appeared in his throat and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He looked away from her quickly, she was the last person he wanted to see, especially after the way she’d just discarded him.

Hillary went through a myriad of emotions when they locked eyes, fear, anxiousness, hopefulness, and then finally dejection when he looked away and never turned back. Her throat felt tight and thick. She struggled to swallow down her emotions.

I'm missin you like crazy

He was in a sour mood after seeing her and worse, yet it annoyed him that she was looking at him. Bill decided to leave the event. He’d pretty much accomplished what he’d set out to do anyway.

 She dropped her head in sorrow when she saw him leaving, knowing immediately it was because of her. Hillary worried about him not loving her anymore, but now he seemed he didn’t even like her. She stayed a little longer and then decided to leave as well.

 Bill sat in his bedroom, he’d lit a fire and grabbed one of his favorite books, Mediations. He let the wise words of the second century emperor wash over him. He needed to calm down. Bill didn’t like to be upset, from his troubled childhood he’d found it difficult to keep his temper in check, but as he grew older he’d employed various ways to do just that. Seeing her tonight had upset that balance and now he was fighting to get back in check. He wanted to just say it was agitation, but it was certainly more.

 She was unaware of when she’d made the decision to do this, but here she was. As afraid of loving him as she was, she was more afraid of him not loving her. Hillary rang the bell for a third time. She tapped her foot nervously, what if he didn’t let her in?

 He heard the bell ringing and he knew who it was. Bill sat still trying to read and ignore it, maybe she’d leave soon. He wasn’t entirely sure what she could possibly want from him.  Hillary for her part was not going to leave. It wasn’t lost on her that she was being a hypocrite, but after seeing him tonight she wanted to fight for him. And she’d sleep outside his door if need be. She was about to ring the bell again when the door opened. He stood before her in his pajama’s his greying hair no longer perfectly style and he wore his reading glasses, in other words he was still the sexiest man she’d ever seen.

 “Why are you at my home?” his harsh tone threw cold water on her wayward lustful thoughts. Hillary sputtered, unsure of herself.

“I…I really need to talk to you” he shifted and leaned against the door frame, still having not invited her in.

 “I think whatever needed to be said was said when you decided to put me on the do not let enter list at your office” he looked at her pointedly. She dropped her head in embarrassment.

 “I’m sorry about that Bill” he pushed away from the frame.

 “If that was all I’d like to get back to what I was doing good night Hillary” he turned and began to close the door, but she pushed her hand against it stopping his motion. He swung back around stunned at her nerve as she slid through the small opening and stood in the foyer. Bill began to lose the thin filament of control he had on his temper. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing? Get out of my house Hillary!” she jumped at the booming request.

 Hillary only shook her head in defiance. “Listen to me Bill, please” she pleaded. He scoffed and shook his head in disbelief.

 “You have some nerve coming here after what you did, after how you treated me like trash.”

 “I’m so sorry I can’t say it enough how sorry I am Bill, but please let me explain” he was angry with her that much was true, but he didn’t want to hurt her like she’d hurt him. This wasn’t about revenge.

 “Fine Hillary” he led her into the living room. Hillary took a seat on the sofa and looked up at him expectantly. Bill blew out a frustrated breath as he sat in one of the arm chairs.

 “My divorce was unexpected. One day I came home and there were movers taking my things out of the house. I’d opened myself to him and been my most vulnerable and he used that against me Bill. I vowed that I wasn’t going to let anyone else get close to me. That I was never going to fall in love again. That worked for awhile until you came along” she smiled sadly at him. “I really tried not to fall for you, but I’m sure you are well aware that is not an easy task. I wanted it to be just casual, something I could just walk away from and you could walk away from as well, but we got in too deep and I was scared” she stopped talking momentarily waiting to see if he had anything to say. As the silence extended between them Hillary started to wonder if she could salvage this.

 “You never even gave me a chance Hillary. I shared things with you that I never told another soul. I talked to you about how I felt abandoned by my mother and the guilt I felt for never wanting to live with her when she came back. And what did you do?” it suddenly dawned on Hillary that she wasn’t the only one affected by her choices and she felt like a piece of shit. She covered her mouth and sobbed, her eyes wide. Bill for his part remained stoic. Several bits of silence passed before either of them spoke again. “I was ok with you needing time but when I came to visit you and I couldn’t. I can’t even explain how badly that hurt” he paused and blew out a breath before continuing. “Hillary why are you here?” he asked again this time the anger had dissipated leaving a broken man in it’s wake.

In all her thoughts of her own fear and pain, she never once thought of how her rejection would hurt him. Hillary had always been a compassionate person, caring about other’s but she had to admit the divorce put a fortress around her heart. Now she was always on the lookout, thinking someone was out to get her. Even though he’d spilled his innermost thoughts and feelings to her, and she had no doubt he was telling the truth. She still had a mistrust that brought them to where they were today.

“I want to fix this Bill, that’s why I’m here. I’m sorry I was selfishly thinking of my own feelings, not thinking of what my actions would do to you. I’d convinced myself that you were using me. I love you, I’m in love with you and I’m so scared” he sat quietly staring at her. She wasn’t sure what she thought would happen with that declaration, but silence was not it. “Don’t you have anything to say?”

 “Oh, was that supposed to make me feel good? You just told me you’re in love with me as an excuse for why you rejected me?” Hillary’s body sagged this was going to be harder than she thought. “I’m in love with you Hillary, which is why this entire thing hurts me so badly.”

 “What can I do to make this better?” he shook his head not sure she could.

 “What is it that you want?”

 “You” the simple statement made his heart leap, but his stubbornness wasn’t going to let her off that easy.

“You had me” he stated looking at her as if to challenge.

“And I let fear ruin that and I’m not going to lie and say I’m not still afraid. I’m terrified shitless right now, but I’m more terrified of letting you go. I love you so much, more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and I don’t want to keep going on without you in my life. I don’t want to keep going on like you don’t mean the world to me. I can’t keep pretending that these feelings aren’t there.”

 “I love you and I want you God knows I do, but I need time. I can’t turn my emotions on and off like that. What happens down the road when you decide this is too much for you and maybe you don’t love me as much as you thought you did. I’m sorry Hillary I am” her world crashed around her she’d convinced herself that they’d work through this, but her fears had pushed him away, possibly for good. Hillary silently nodded before standing and beginning to walk away when she turned back.

 “I’m not going to give up. I’m going to prove to you that you are the love of my life and I am the love of yours. That we should be together” she went to where he still sat, bending and kissing his lips softly before straightening back up. “Good night Bill” he didn’t say anything as she turned and walked out of his house, but if Hillary had her way not out of his life.


Body and soul is achin'
I'm out of control
Missing you so