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What if I can’t help falling in love with you

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  “If life can remove someone you never dreamed of losing, it can replace them with someone you never dreamt of having.” 


After you died I never thought I’d find love ever again. Since then love had been like a cruel joke, something that was just fake and something that just happened in the movies and in the books, I thought that love was stupid and that in reality the guy wouldn’t get the girl, or that in the end she wouldn’t choose the guy she loved over the safe choice who her parents loved but who she didn’t, or that the guy she had known all her life and who she loved so much would die young and that that would break her heart and change her views on love forever...or at least until she moved to London with her sister and met someone and fell in love even though she didn’t expect to at all. 

Sometimes the greatest relationships are the ones you never expected to be in. The ones that sweep you off your feet and challenge every view you’ve ever had. Maybe we wouldn’t have worked out anyways in the end. We were too similar yet too different, And yes sure what we had was love. But wishing you back won’t bring you back no matter how much I hope. And I know that you would want me to be happy. We had a great run but I think it’s time we say our farewells. Cause love is real and love is true, I’m sorry that my greatest love wasn’t you. I don’t want to live my life feeling guilty when I know that that’s not what you would want for me. So I guess we’re over, I guess we’re through because I can’t stay here and wait around for you to come back when you never will or till I waste away and follow you. 

You were my friend and you were my lover but I guess we just weren’t meant to be. I’m sorry or I guess I’m not. Sometimes it kills me because sometimes I’m glad that I lost you so that I could somehow find him. I will always love you. Always even when I die. But my friend, my lover I think this is goodbye. Because I love him, what he and I have is something you and I never had. Something special, something mad and I really hope you understand. 

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12th Of March 1974


I arrived in London today. Mom and dad thought it would be a good idea for me to move to London with my sister Keiko and go back to university. It feels strange though. You’re not here. You should be but you’re not. When I got out of bed to head to the airport I expected to see you there next to me smiling at me. When I got out of the house nervous I expected you to be there to reassuringly squeeze my hand and tell me that moving out, leaving you is the right thing to do. I mean I know that you’re gone and that you’re never coming back again but...sometimes I have these moments where I feel like maybe you’re still alive, that maybe there’s still a small chance that it’s all just a dream and I’ll wake up with you next to me and we’ll laugh about how silly that dream was. But you didn’t come back to me today. 

My first stop after getting out of the airplane was the toilet. My skin was It’s usual almost porcelain shade of white with a taint tan and a touch of red on my cheeks. My wild, curly and dark brown hair that looked almost purple, that I had tied in 2 braids looked a mess but I didn’t really care so I just left it as it was. I wore the light blue denim jacket which had the pins, that we had gotten in our time together. Ripped denim shorts with a perfect fit hugged my legs making me look skinnier than I was. I looked alright and that made me feel sick and a bit happy at the same time. No you don’t understand what a mess I’ve been this past year. 4 months ago I first let the reality sink in that you aren’t coming back. That you’re gone forever and that’s just the way it is. The world just decided that it was not going to be fair to me and that it was going to take you away from me and let me live on without you. 

Anyways...after my stop to the toilet I got my luggage and headed to the exit where Keiko had been waiting for me...with a car. Although she knew that ever since you died in that stupid crash I have never been able to step into one again. Maybe if a stupid car hadn’t ripped you away from me I would have driven with her. Maybe I would have even driven the car myself. I mean it was a lovely car. But...a stupid car was the cause of your death, a stupid car did take you away from me. So being the stubborn  person I am told her “I’m not getting into that car Keiko”. I know that if you were here now you would call me out on being so stubborn. You would call me out on not getting into the car.  You hated my stubbornness. It was the one thing you didn’t love about me. Or at least I hope that it was the only thing. You say you loved me even with my stubbornness but I know that It annoyed you.  Don’t worry...Keiko already called me out for that. “Aika it’s been a year don’t you think it’s time?” Keiko asked me frowning at me obviously disappointed in me. 

Don’t you think it’s time? Ever since that stupid car crash took you away from me everybody’s been asking that. A month after you died I didn’t want to leave the house, I couldn’t. There were a bazillion cars that were too much in my face and I couldn’t even stand to look at one. My mom went into our house, I had forgotten I had given her a key. She said to me “Get out of the house Aika he wouldn’t want you to just stay in here and rot away. He’d want you to have a life and live. Don’t you think it’s time?”. 3 months after you passed away I still couldn’t leave the house and my dad said the same thing “Don’t you think it’s time?”. 4 months ago when Keiko took me to a racing track to meet her boyfriend who is now...her ex boyfriend she asked me the same thing. In a dream a few months before my mother decided that I was moving to London with my sister you asked me in a dream. “Don’t you think it’s time Aika?” You asked me with a smile. But why? Why does it have to be time? Why can’t you just come back to me and everything will be like it was? 

I know I can’t...shouldn’t blame the car crash that you obviously wanted to happen for taking you away from me. All you left me with was a note that they found in your car, covered by your blood saying “goodbye, I’m sorry”. I still don’t understand why you did it. We had a great life. We had just moved into our apartment. You asked me wether in a few years time I would say yes if you asked me to marry you. So basically we were engaged. I should have been enough to make you stay but apparently I wasn’t. It’s your fault that you’re gone I know that now. You now back then I thought it was murder. I thought that the car you had purposefully driven into was to blame. But you’re the murderer. Two people died you know? You and a little child. You’re crazy. I know that now. And I am so mad at you.But still I love you so much. I miss you so much. But I’s time for me to have a life again. Time for me to wake up and get out of bed and eat breakfast. Maybe one day drive again. I know it’s time but... I just can’t. I don’t know how to. 

Anyways I was angry at Keiko for coming with a car although she knew that I was very much not ready yet. So I angrily walked away and she followed me luckily without the car. And then we walked to nowhere really since I didn’t have a clue where I was going to be living for the next years. She ran after me screaming “Come back Aika you don’t know where to go, let’s home”. But London isn’t my home, you are...or at least you were. I continued walking, fighting the tears that wanted to escape. I ignored my legs that were starting to feel like jelly. I ignored everything and just continued walking. I just wanted to get away from everything really. I wasn’t ready. Why did everyone in my life think I was?!? 

Distracted I didn’t look where I was going and didn’t notice the traffic light that had apparently just turned green, I still think it was yellow though. Anyways...a car almost hit me but pulled the brakes soon enough so it just touched me and gave me a light push, enough to push me to the floor. A blonde haired guy and a dark haired guy got out of the car. The dark haired one looking worried, the other with only a touch of concern, his annoyance much more visible. “WHAT WAS THAT IT WAS GREEN THAT MEANS YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STOP!!!! WE’RE GOING TO BE LATE THANKS TO YOU!” The blonde haired ass said frowning at me. The dark haired embarrassed put his face in his hands shaking his head. “Roger come on” He said giving me an apologetic smile. The dark haired walked to me smiling at me. “Are you Alright?” He asked me smiling at me. I nodded not saying a word. Then I sent a glare towards his friend. “I’M FINE THANKS FOR ASKING! You could have killed me!” I screamed to the blonde haired ass who’s name was apparently Roger. He rolled his eyes at me and frowned. “Well you didn’t die love. Do you need an ambulance?” He asked annoyed. I scoffed frowning at him. “Not from you Thanks!” I said shaking my head at him “And don’t call me love asshole!”. “Sweetheart you don’t need to get on my nerves to get an autograph from me you just have to ask” Blonde guy said frowning. You should have been there to save me from embarrassment and to smack him in the face.“Oh I’m sorry! Are you joking I don’t want your stupid autograph!” I screamed back at him. The dark haired helped me up and smiled at me. “I’m sorry about him it’s just that we have a concert soon and he’s had a bad day. I’m Brian by the way” the dark haired said with a smile. I nodded smiling back at him. “Aika” I said smiling. “How can we properly say I’m sorry for almost running you over how about we invite you to a concert of ours?” Brian asked me smiling. I nodded smiling at Brian and glaring at Roger who glared at Brian then at me. 

This is when Keiko caught up with me and actually screamed once she saw me. I thought maybe she was worried about her dear sister that could have died. But apparently Brian was famous and she was more interested in that. “OH MY GOD!” She screeched looking from me to Brian “You’re Brian May”. I looked at my sister proper confused. “How do you know...” I asked Keiko confused. “Brian May Aika! Queen!” Keiko said smiling like a fool. Brian smiled at me and gave me a piece of paper with the address on it and two tickets to a Queen concert. Apparently this band was famous. I didn’t know that. “I’ll see you there” Brian said smiling at me before shaking his head at Roger and mumbling something before pulling Roger back to the car. What an ass I tell you. I know you would probably tell me not to judge a book by it’s cover but I know that Roger Taylor is an arrogant asshole and I don’t like him at all. I know you would say that I don’t know him and that I should give him a chance but I know I don’t like him at all. I didn’t know that it would be this easy to despise a human being. Apparently it is though. 

Anyways...Keiko looked at me proper confused. “Umm what happened?” She asked me confused. “ we just got invited to their concert” I said smiling at Keiko. Keiko stared at me and the two tickets in my hands. “What...How?!?” Keiko asked me confused. “Well...I may have not being paying attention and walked into the street while the traffic light turned green although I bet it was yellow and not green and that Roger should have stopped driving his stupid car” I said frowning at the thought of him. “I can’t believe you don’t know who Queen is!” Keiko said frowning at me. I rolled my eyes and shook my head at her.  Thankfully after this the conversation about Queen was over and the two of us walked all the way to imperial college London which took quite a few hours I have to say. 

When we got there we headed to our dorm where we met all the other people we would be living with. The ones we met were quite interesting people I tell you. We met a girl called Amy who is studying astrophysics and who like my sister is apparently a gigantic fan of Queen. Seriously the girl has all their vinyl records. Then we met this guy who’s name I didn’t quite catch who’s studying astronomy I think. He had posters of all the stars on his celling which seemed pretty cool. Then there was this other guy Steven who’s doing something with sports and has loads of trophies everywhere. Don’t think I’ll be hanging around him a lot. Then there was this girl, heck knows what she studies she didn’t mention anything of it. Her name’s Melissa and she seems alright. She smokes all the time so I might be able to snag a cigarette from her. She says pretty deep shit half of which I don’t understand. She has posters of naked ladies and men all over her room and had vinyl records of artists I don’t know about. Might hang out with her more since you know...I’m trying to have a life here which is going to be hard I know.  I think you would quite enjoy it here. Who am I kidding?... you’d hate it. But you’re not here and you’ll never be here. I thought I’d accepted that but it’s just hard I guess. I’ll tell you more about the concert tomorrow I guess. 

Lots of love, 

Aika Evans

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13th Of March 1974


It’s evening now and I’m here sitting in Melissa’s dorm room with Melissa, a cigarette in my hand and listening to some songs of Deep Purple from a vinyl record of Melissa. I think the song we’re listening to now is the happiness/I’m so glad medley. I have decided that I love it. It’s not the Beatles but it’s great and I could listen to this all day. I have also decided that I quite like Melissa. I don’t understand half of anything that she says but...she’s got good taste in music and has cigarettes so... I guess she and I are friends now.  It just still feels so strange to actually have a life again? Without you? I know you’d probably laugh at me now but it feels as if I’ve been reborn. I don’t know wether to feel guilty about that or not. Because I’m actually trying now to have a life instead of just staying home all day avoiding and isolating myself from the world. Anyways...umm...I guess I should tell you about the happenings of last night? 

As I mentioned yesterday Keiko and I got free tickets to a Queen concert last night. They are currently on Tour and I may have agreed to go to Cheltenham with Keiko to watch them preform again. I met Mary Austin as well and she seems quite nice, we might hang out more in the future. I’ll tell you more if we do. Anyways...Freddie Mercury is amazing, John and Brian are amazing too. And yes I know I said that I hated Roger but...okay I’ll say this...he has skills. I’m not saying that I don’t think he’s a fame spoiled brat and an arrogant asshole anymore because I still very much think so but...he is  good on the drums and his voice is quite killer as well, might it not be as amazing as Freddie’s. But maybe I was wrong to say that I hate him when I don’t really know him. Perhaps he has a good side after all. I don’t know. I don’t know him well enough. I’ll give you more updates on that when I know more. I promise that I’ll tell you  when I find out wether there’s a good side to Roger Taylor. 

Anyways...last afternoon I spent my free hours unpacking my stuff. Keiko went on about how big a fan she is of Queen. Seriously, that  girl is the definition of a total fan girl.  After I had finished some unpacking it was already time to go. Keiko was freaking out wondering what she should wear to the concert. I told her “Oh I was thinking that I’d just wear what I’m wearing now.” and she just stared at me confusion, anger and sadness all visible on her face. I smiled at her shaking my head. “Are you kidding?!?” She asked me frowning. “No?” I answered raising an eyebrow at her. “Definitely not Aika” She said glaring at me. She looked so angry for a second. So I did as she said and made a bit of an effort to look good I guess.

I wore that black dress that you said looked amazing on me. I opened my braided hair that were all wild and curly now. “Now you look hot girl!” Keiko told me beaming. She wore a red dress and looked freaking amazing. Once we were ready to go we left. Although Keiko wanted to tale the car I insisted that we walk. So I may be to blame for us coming to the show drenched in sweat. We showed our tickets and were let in. We made our way to the front row and were greeted with a small wave by Brian May. I smiled at him and gave him a small wave and even acknowledged Roger’s presence with a nod. Keiko was proper freaked out by now and dug into my skin with her nails. We had a blast I’m telling you. We danced we laughed and she screamed the lyrics to the songs into my ears. This was the first time I’ve had fun since...since the world decided to take you away from me. 

After the show I didn’t know wether I was supposed to wait for Brian and the band or not so I awkwardly tried leaving but was stopped by Brian who had jumped off the stage and ran towards me just to greet me. “Where are you headed to?” He asked me smiling. “Oh umm...isn’t the show over?” I asked him smiling. “Well yes but I thought you might hang around and join us for drinks...please?” He asked frowning at me. I looked to Keiko who smiled at me with those sad yet hopeful eyes. “Sure” I said smiling at Brian. “Alright wait for us outside?” Brian asked me smiling. “Sure why not?” I asked Brian smiling. So Keiko and I headed out and waited for the rest of the band. Of course instead of Brian Roger came out first and sent a smirk my way. “We meet again sweetheart” he said smiling at me. “Indeed, don’t call me sweetheart” I said glaring at him. Don’t worry I know that guys like him all just want one thing. It’s most probably just about sex with guys like him. I won’t fall for his charms. I won’t be unfaithful to you I promise. I wonder wether you would be mad if I were.  

“A feisty one we’ve got here” Roger told Brian as Brian stepped out of the building with the rest of the band members and Freddie’s girlfriend Mary. “Hi” Brian said smiling at me “how’d you like the show?”. I smiled at Brian and told him “I loved it you guys were amazing”. Brian smiled nodding. “Wow even me?” Roger asked me smirking and raising an eyebrow. I rolled my eyes at him and tried my best to give him a smile. “Alright you didn’t suck” I said frowning at him. “That’s a huge compliment coming from a girl like you” Roger said chuckling. “A girl like me what’s that supposed to mean?!?” I asked glaring at him. “Roger” Brian warned frowning at me. Roger turned to Brian and nodded. Then he headed to me with the fakest of smiles plastered on his face. Seriously he would not make a good actor. He smiled at me with that look as if he were constipated. “I’m sorry if I was rude earlier when we met” Roger said frowning. “Do you always apologize looking constipated you know if you don’t mean it don’t say it at all” I said rolling my eyes at him. “Right I thought saying it meant something” Roger told me frowning. “Yeah saying it means something...if you mean what you’re saying” I said frowning at him. Roger took a deep breath and sighed. “I apologize for almost running you over with my car and being rude about it afterwards” Roger said sighing. He actually looked like he meant it this time, alright the boy could be an actor after all. I smiled at him and he smiled back at me. 

“Hi I’m Mary” Mary Austin said kissing my cheeks and smiling at me,  thankfully interrupting the awkward silence that had befallen. “Aika” I said smiling back at her. Then I turned to Keiko who’s eyes had gone wide and looked like she could faint any moment now.  “This is my sister Keiko” I said smiling at Keiko. “It’s nice to meet the both of you” Mary said smiling at me. “Thanks you too” I said smiling at her. “I don’t know if I would call it nice” Roger said smirking at me. Brian turned to Roger and glared at him. “Seriously mate?” Brian asked Roger frowning. Roger put his hands up cackling. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry it was a joke” Roger said smirking at me. “Don’t listen to him darling he’s just embarrassed he ran over such a pretty girl and I think it’s because he’s noticed that Brian has quite the liking for you” Freddie said interrupting the knew awkward silence that had befallen. Brian lightly shoved Freddie who just smirked at him. I promise I only see Brian as a friend. But please don’t be mad at me I did something stupid... I think I’ve said yes to going on a date with Brian. I’m sorry. Keiko’s told me that it’s time to move on from you and I know that but I can’t help but think that you’d hate me. Although I know that you’d probably just want me to be happy. I’m a little confused. Although I feel so guilty for agreeing to this because I don’t want to be unfaithful to you and I don’t have any romantic feelings towards Brian. I’m kind of excited to be going on a date with someone again. It’s been so long. It’s just one date I promise. 

Anyways...after another moment of awkward silence John was finally able to introduce himself. “John Deacon” He said quietly smiling at me. “Aika Evans” I said smiling back at John. “Shall we head to the bar then?” Brian asked me smiling. I nodded smiling at him. So the 7 of us headed to the bar and had a couple of drinks. Brian sat next to me and asked me about my life. I answered his questions as vaguely as I could. Unfortunately I couldn’t avoid his question about wether I would like to join him for dinner one of these days. I told him yes... I don’t know why. I’m sorry...The worst part is that I think that you’d be happy for me. But I don’t want you to be. See you trusted me too much. You were never jealous but I have to admit that although I enjoyed my freedom with you I wanted to feel...I wanted you to feel jealous sometimes... I don’t know maybe I’m just stupid. Anyways after this...Brian asked me about home and I wasn’t ready to talk about you. I don’t know wether it was intentional or not but this is when Roger Taylor showed his possible good side. I’m not saying he has a good side he was still being his usual asshole self only this time he used his asshole powers for good. He looked at me and nodded. “Why don’t you ask your girlfriend wether she wants to come to Cheltenham to watch us preform again?” Roger asked Brian nudging him playfully. Brian glared at Roger then smiled at me. “Would you like to? Keiko you’re welcome to join as well if you’d like to.” Brian said smiling at me and Keiko who has dug her fingernails into my skin again and had probably already made a wound. Keiko nodded smiling like a little child who had gotten all the presents she wished for for Christmas. I shook my head at my sister smiling at her. “We’d love to” I said smiling at him. 

After a few more drinks Keiko was drunk and I was pretty drunk myself  although luckily it’s hard to tell with me unlike my sister who turns red when she’s tipsy. Brian offered us a ride home which was problematic as you know...anyways...This is when I told Brian I wanted to just walk back home. Brian tried to insist which I’m not mad at him for, I know he was just trying to be nice and didn’t know about you. Roger offered to walk me and told Brian he should drive Keiko home. Brian agreed to this hesitantly. I’m happy he did though. So ok... I may have been unfair to judge Roger and just say he was a bad person when I don’t know him at all. I should apologize for that, I haven’t been able to yet. I l guess you’ll be hearing from me tomorrow or after Cheltenham which is on the 14th. I miss you.