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Summer Wine

Chapter Text

So the thing was, Shisui mastered half of the Academy's curriculum by the time he was five.

This happened because he had, as a curious child, wandered into his cousin Yasumi's school things and binge-read everything he had, and Yasumi came home that day to find Shisui scrawling all over his homework.

When the screaming was over and Shisui stopped crying from the angry yelling, they - the adults - realised that Shisui had actually corrected Yasumi's essays and had been attempting in childish hiragana to give him better writing tips.

And yes he had also been drawing flowers. But that part wasn't important.

So they gave him the textbooks, the assignments, and Shisui had happily thought they were new toys and puzzles and fun new jutsu to learn.

When he was six, they had him enrolled into the academy for early enrollment, and thought that he'd test out within the year.

No one expected Shisui to take one look at the screaming kids in the playground of the Academy and then refuse to leave at the end of the day.

He refused to take the testing-out exam at the end of the semester, because Shisui had had so much more fun in class, listening to the sensei, and doing the assignments for his table-mates.

When his parents tried to get him to sit and do the next year's test for the nice sensei, Shisui had a screaming melt-down and set fire to the table, the chair, and the sensei's goldfish tank.

Luckily, the goldfish was a special breed from the deep centre of Fire Country and didn't mind a bit of fire now and then.

He had a lot of friends, you see, many of his classmates were happy to fork over half their week's allowance for him to do their homework for them, and he had many more friends in his class than in the Clan. He'd heard that if he'd graduated early, he wouldn't get to spend time with them anymore.

And they had the best games; so many of the games that the Clan did were "Throw the pointy thing at the wooden thing", while his friends had "let's see how many ropes you can skip for how long before you puke on sensei's prize begonias" or "how many snails can you hide in the Headmaster's lunchbox before he notices."

Iruka was one of the best of such gamemasters.

He only had to throw such a tantrum once more at the end of his first year before his parents and the Clan Elders let him continue in the Academy for the full six years with his friends.

By the time Shisui graduated from the Academy, he had a thriving business of ghost-writing every year's assignments, extensive experience in forging handwriting after glancing at a small sample, and a burning desire to become the first Academy Teacher in the Uchiha clan.

The Uchiha were very befuddled by this goal, but by this point, none of them would have dreamed of telling Shisui no to anything.

They all remembered what happened to Tekumi-sensei's goldfish tank.

 


 

He graduated with top honours despite making sure he would get exactly 51% on every particular assignment and exam in his last year - he had wanted to be put in the same team as his best friends Tenzou and Iruka.

Alas, Iruka had worked extra hard the last semester and got a 67%, and Tenzou had done the exact same thing with his take-home assignments as Shisui had then tanked his final jutsu practical by accident and ended up with a pity score of 56%, not exactly the worst, but not exactly the best.

The sensei were far too onto Shisui's hijinks and knew that an exact 51% was far too much to be coincidental and thus it had translated into a 97% in his final grade because half of them were afraid of the Uchiha Clan and their prodigy and Shisui therefore ended up on a completely separate team from his best friends, no matter how many times he'd begged and threatened the glass tank.

(That goldfish tank, having had been threatened so many times by Shisui, was now reinforced with fire-proof glass and steel, and no longer held anything but actual fire salamander summons and a rock.)

 


 

It was the tail end of the war, to be honest, so all the genin teams still got to see some action. Tenzou built up a bit of a reputation for himself; he was one of the handful of mokuton users in Konoha, the most obvious remnants of the Senju clan.

(Most of the time mokuton users were assumed to be direct - if bastard - offspring of Hashirama, the young oak apparently having sowed quite a few wild oats in his time, but to be fair the mokuton was probably lurking in the Senju genes, and they could be descended from any Senju except the Famously Childless Tobirama.)

(They also used to call Tobirama the Famously Celibate - right until they found a stack of letters from Uchiha Madara, also Famously Celibate, detailing in minute and excrutiating detail how Tobirama looked on Madara's cock. Thereafter Konoha only referred to Tobirama as Famously Childless and didn't mention anything more.)

Tenzou was one of the better mokuton users, able to grow many plants without having to bring seeds along, and for the most part they responded easily and fluidly to his demands. Not only was he a great attacker, he was also a good defensive asset; his missions tended to have one of the highest success rates.

Shisui's mission rates were explosive - pushed by the dictates of war and his very vicious jounin-sensei, Shisui finally allowed that his katon were extremely destructive; his speed too meant that he was literally a flaming wreck on his own, and the powers that be back in Konoha took note of him.

The Yondaime had spoken to him in person twice, and his bodyguards giving Tsume-sensei directives several times over the almost full hundred missions Shisui's team ran, and by the time the war was over, Shisui and Tenzou's teams were all field-promoted chuunin.

Iruka hadn't been promoted yet, but his team spent a lot of the war running back and forth from the field to the village, doing intel analysis, and Intel later proved very possessive of Iruka, and demanded that he be assigned to them for proper internship while he trained for the Chuunin Exams that Yondaime reinstated.

In celebration of their chuunin promotion, Tenzou and Shisui dragged Iruka out to the nearest bar that didn't seem to notice their relative youth (and that one of their party was still genin) and got blindingly drunk.

They all three of them later woke up in Shisui's rather dusty apartment on the outskirts of the Uchiha clan compound minus all their clothes, so after they got properly hydrated, Shisui insisted they repeat the non-drunk part of their celebrations so he could properly remember it.



 

It was a time for celebration - peace in the aftermath of war had all of Konoha giddy with the high of survival, their hero and idol of Yondaime finally proposing to Uzumaki Kushina and her accepting without Minato getting tossed off the Hokage monument.

The powers that be started looking into replenishing the ranks of elite jounin in order to start taking on more highly paid missions and refilling Konoha's coffers; Tenzou's field-promotion to chuunin was, within two months, translated into jounin status.

Shisui was fourteen when ANBU approached him with a mask.

Shisui said no.

"What," Monkey said, confused as fuck. "Why not?"

"I want," Shisui said, "To be a teacher."

"No one's turned down ANBU before." Monkey looked down at the blank mask he'd laid on Shisui's kitchen table.

"Is it an offer I can't refuse?" Shisui asked, crossing his arms.

"Yeeees?" Monkey said.

"Bullshit," Shisui said. "I don't want to. That mask will be terrible with my glasses, and it'd interfere with my plans for educational reform."

"You don't wear glasses," Monkey said, uncertainly.

"I do when I read," Shisui sniffed. "Answer is still no."

"I'm going to have to consult with the boss," Monkey said, because when people said 'this is an offer you can't refuse', the other party usually didn't refuse.

"The answer is still no even if Yondaime were to come ask me personally!" Shisui said to Monkey's back.

 


 

"You're really refusing ANBU?" Yondaime said.

"ANBU is a terrible organization that chews up young and able shinobi with the darkness of the darkest missions and spits them out broken and psychologically damaged," Shisui said. "No offense," he said to the apparently empty shadowy corner of the ceiling in Yondaime's office.

"None taken," the shadow said.

"I mean I kind of agree," Minato said, "But you know the Uchiha Clan has been clamoring for one of their own to get promoted to jounin and start earning prestige and A-rank missions…"

"If Fugaku-sama wants me to take on jounin-status, he'd have to come and tell me that in person," shisui said.

Yondaime blinked. "He… hasn't asked you?"

"Nope," Shisui said. "And I don't want to be jounin. The Academy doesn't take jounin instructors."

"As… much as I appreciate your interest in education," Minato said with the kind of tone that people who knew that teachers were important but weren't exactly sure they understood why anyone would want to spend 5 hours a day in a classroom with twenty-to-thirty proto-nin and three times as many pointy things, "that does seem to be a bit of a … - not a waste, not at all, i mean a little below your capabilities. You have an exceptional mind, and talent for ninjutsu and strategy. You did perform extremely well during the war. There are some small villages that no longer exist thanks to you."

"Thank you, it's always good when my superiors acknowledge and appreciate my efforts," Shisui said.

"So you could -"

"No," Shisui said. "I don't want to train for jounin, I don't want to take the promotion, and I want to teach in the Academy." he drew out a bunch of textbooks from a sealing scroll. "I've already started studying for the Academy Certification Exams."

"Um," Minato said. "Those look… difficult? Surely you don't actually want to sit for more exams…?"

"They're fascinating and diabolically hard," Shisui said cheerfully, "You do agree that it takes an exceptional mind to pass, right, Yondaime-sama?"

Minato stared at the books. Some of them were almost as thick as the length of his palm. "Yeeees," Minato said, wondering who had set those textbooks as exam material. Was it Sandaime-sama? It had to be him, man was known as known as the Professor after all.

"And of course such an exceptional mind must be necessary to take charge of our next generation of Konoha's shinobi youth," Shisui said.

"Um. Yes, that - I agree."

"And you think I have an exceptional mind."

Minato felt like he'd walked into a trap, "Yes I know I said that - i just -"

"So obviously I should be teaching at the Academy," Shisui slapped a thick tome on top of another, startling Minato almost off his chair. "Thank you for agreeing, Yondaime-sama!"

"That was not -"

But then Shisui had already sealed his textbooks back into the scroll and shunshin'd right off.

Minato stared helplessly.

"I do like him though," the ceiling shadow said thoughtfully.

"Please shut up, Genma," Minato said and dropped his head on the table.




 

Various ANBU came in and out of Shisui's window with different offers.

A better pay rate. Priority choice of missions. Power of refusal of missions. Apprenticeship to the Jounin-commander.

"Did you really think," Shisui said, "I was refusing jounin rank because I wanted to be the next Jounin-commander? Is that it?"

Hawk shuffled her feet a little. "Maybe?"

Shisui lifted up a heavy tome titled S is for Shuriken: A Pedagogic Guide To Shaping the Will of Fire in Aspiring Shinobi, 5th Ed. and threw it at Hawk's head.

The ANBU managed to duck just in time.

It fell on her foot instead.

"Ow," she said.

"Did you think I read these for fun?" Shisui asked.

"No?"

"The answer is YES. I read these for fun," Shisui said. "Shoo!"

 


 

Two days later, Shisui found a silver-haired ANBU pulling all his tea out of his cupboards.

"Hawk thinks you're actually crazy," the ANBU said without turning around.

"I said no," Shisui said automatically. "Wait what?"

"I think you have deplorable taste in tea. All of these are expired. Are you really an uchiha? Where's the good gyokuro?"

"I finished it last week," Shisui said. "Why are you judging my tea?"

"Because I can," the ANBU said, and dug out all of Shisui's expired tea and dumped them on his countertop. "Terrible, with organizational skills like this you'll lose half your students' assignments in a week."

Shisui picked up a packet of tea and lobbed it at the ANBU's head.

It bounced off his Hound mask.

"Why are you here judging my tea instead of making me some sort of offer I get to turn down? Not that I mind, it's a waste of five minutes of my time, but this is an extra waste of my time."

"I'm here to make you a deal," Hound said.

Shisui blinked.

"Or rather, a dare." Hound said, and picked up a packet of jasmine tea. "This is the good jasmine tea, why is it expired?"

"Because I don't like jasmine tea. What dare?"

"A race. I heard you're fast," Hound said. "If you win, we back off."

Shisui frowned, but … there was a reason why he was known as Shunshin no Shisui. "And if you win?"

Hound turned to look at him. "If I win, you come be ANBU, no promotion, till you're sixteen."

"Why sixteen?"

"That's when the Academy will finally accept your application as an instructor," Hound said. "Why, didn't you know that? You're too young to be an instructor anyway."

Shisui had NOT known that.

"You're making it up?"

"You can always go ask them." Hound cocked his head. "Well?"

"Well, prepare to eat dust, Hound," Shisui said.

 


 

Long story short - turns out that Hound was damn fast. Faster than goddamn lightning, almost, and it took ALL of Shisui's ability to push Shunshin to its limits to almost keep up.

Hound left tracks like silver lightning .

Shisui fell in love.

… though he still threw a packet of tea at Hound's silly silver hair when Hound handed him the mask.

Chapter Text

At the end of his second year, Fugaku called Shisui into his office, in the faint hope that the Austerity and Authority of Head of Uchiha Clan would instill… something in him.

He wasn't sure what, exactly.

At seven years old, Shisui's parents had already decided it was just easier to let him do what he wanted.

But Fugaku was Clan Leader, he sure as hell would not allow himself to be intimidated by a seven-year-old.

"Shisui," Fugaku said, not even needing to stand to loom over the tiny boy standing in front of his desk. "What is this I see about your grades?"

"I got a fifty-percent," Shisui said, eyes huge. "I'm doing so badly, Fugaku-sama."

"Yes, I can see this, it's exactly fifty-percent."

"I know," Shisui said, widening his eyes even further. And when Fugaku kept staring at him, Shisui added a trembling pouty lip. "I'm so sorry, Fugaku-sama! I guess I have to stay at the Academy again!"

Fugaku opened his mouth. Shut it.

Shisui sniffled loudly.

"You learnt this material before you were five," Fugaku said, sternly. "You knew and mastered it long before you even entered the Academy!"

Shisui blinked at him before turning on the waterworks - Fugaku could SEE him actually decide to do it. "I forgot! Everything!"

"You mean you forgot exactly fifty-percent," Fugaku said.

"Yes," Shisui wailed.

"That's not possible to forget exactly fifty-percent!" Fugaku said

"It isn't?" Shisui said.

"Yes! It's not! It takes an extremely good understanding of the material AND the marking scheme to get exactly the minimum required to progress to the next year without being held back OR expelled," Fugaku said, his teeth grinding a little.

He might almost, ALMOST admire the little shit of a Clansman. Almost.

If Shisui wasn't clearly calculating the possible methods to manipulate Fugaku.

Him, a tiny seven-year-old, manipulate the Uchiha Clan Head.

Really?

"Your acting is also a complete disgrace," Fugaku said finally. Kamisama, this kid.

"Is not," Shisui said. Then corrected himself, "If I was acting. Which I'm not. I'm really sad about my grades, and I promise I'll do better Fugaku-sama I just have to work harder next year."

Fugaku resisted the urge to rub the heel of his hand into his eyes - his temple was starting to throb.

"Why do you want to stay in the Academy so much? It must be incredibly boring."

"I passed the year but not well enough to test out," Shisui said, which was not an answer because Shisui didn't want to answer anything.

If Shisui was his own son, Fugaku thought, he'd have probably thrown him into the koi pond. But Itachi was a well-behaved boy of three, and didn't do anything ridiculous like stubbornly act like he was an idiot when everyone knew he was an actual fucking prodigy.

"You know what," Fugaku said. "If you're going to act the idiot, at least take some drama lessons."

"I can do that?" Shisui blinked like he'd never been trying to cry in the first place. "I can join the drama club?"

Kamisama forgive him, Fugaku said. "Yes," he said. "Go pick up some actual proper learning skills before coming back to bullshit me about your grades."

"Thank you Clan-leader!" Shisui said, and dashed out before Fugaku could throw his school report after him.

Dammit.

 


 

Shisui's apartment over the years accumulated all sorts of colourful things - and soft shiny things - and feathery glittery things - and … well all sorts of things that Fugaku didn't want to know .

"They're for the drama club," Shisui said, brandishing a glue gun, when Fugaku stared in consternation at the giant pile of rainbow coloured throw pillows that was piled up in the hallway.

"Do i - No, I don't want to know," Fugaku said, and edged out of the way.

 


 

When he joined ANBU, Shisui was only a little surprised to be put on the same team as Tenzou.

Tenzou had been already been ANBU for almost a year compared to Shisui's fresh induction.

"So you're doing well, Ten-kun?" Shisui said, as the field behind them smouldered gently.

"Yes, they are easy," Tenzou said, "and I get paid very well."

"Yeah i suppose there's that draw," Shisui said. "At least you can spend that huge pay on week-long onsen trips huh?"

"Oh, I only get two days down-time between missions," Tenzou said.

"What," Shisui, who always, ALWAYS got a minimum of 7 days downtime, said.

 


 

"I did think it was exceptionally hinky that one of your offers for ANBU was power to turn down missions," Shisui said conversationally.

"Why the fuck are you sitting on my desk," Shikaku said.

"Turns out that most ANBU don't get the choice," Shisui said.

"Why is my goddamn wardrobe covered in glitter?"

"You're never getting it entirely out of your office now," Shisui said. "So what is this about ANBU not being able to turn down missions?"

"I'm going to throw you out."

"Then you will be getting glitter-bombs in the mail," Shisui said. "Unexpected bombs. Everywhere. Keep an eye out, Shikaku-sama."

 


 

"I found out," Shisui said, dropping a stack of papers on Yondaime's desk, "That ANBU doesn't have actual downtime between missions."

"Why didn't anyone tell me you were at the door?"

"I went through the records of every ANBU's files," Shisui said, ignoring Yondaime stare at the stack of paper with a look of dawning horror. "And that made my eyes hurt, i tell you, most of the writing here is terrible and then it's in code-"

"Do you have clearance for that?" Yondaime said weakly. "I thought you were still a junior ANBU operative -"

"-AND THEN I found that most ANBU are at MOST given two days down-time between missions, and generally have sixteen hour shifts if t hey're stationed in the Village-!"

"Oh," said the man who was literally living the role of Hokage 24/7 ever since he'd accepted the post from Sandaime-sama and now wished that he'd turned it down. "That's… bad?"

"Even during the war no one was sent on missions immediately coming off a sixteen hour shift!" Shisui said, pointing accusingly at another stack of papers. "This is exploitation!"

"Oh," Yondaime said again. "And -"

"You're gonna do something about it," Shisui said, "Or I'm starting a union!"

"You know, I like the sound of that," Said the shadow from the other corner of the office this time.

 


 

"What the hell took you so long to find the mission data from three weeks ago, it should have been easy to find!" Shikaku groaned.

Badger threw his hands up in the air. "I don't know! Someone went through and recategorised EVERYTHING."

"You mean gave it an actual categorizing system," Civet aka Shisui said. "The archives was a mess, it was a complete shame and disgrace."

"What, did. You. do." Shikaku growled.

"I just used a modified version of the Intel System," Shisui said, "And I'm in the process of writing up the cross-referencing system based on jutsu-use, mission-type, mission-location."

"That does sound more useful," Fox said, after a moment.

"It used to work just fine," Badger complained.

"Only if you have the organizational focus of a mouse on acid," Shisui said.

"Fuck," Shikaku said.

 


 

"The HQ is on fire," Shikaku said after a moment.

"Yup," said Rat.

"And we're… not doing anything about it?" Shikaku said with the air of a man whose patience was starting to wear thinner than a shadow.

"It's not within my duties as stipulated in my contract, you can ask the Union Rep," Rat said. "Besides, my suiton isn't that great, it's a huge personal risk to deal with that fire."

"I'm pretty sure you have a decent chunk of earth jutsu that can deal with that!"

"But my affinity is strongest in air, and air is super weak against fire," Rat said. "Snake will be along shortly. Ah - right there she is."

"This counts as overtime," Snake said as she readied a giant water serpent. "Mark that down on my time-sheet, Taicho!"

"Before Uchiha Fucking Shisui," Shikaku said, "We didn't need goddamn timesheets!"

"But we have them now!" Rat said cheerfully.

 


 

"You know it's strange," Civet said.

"What is?" Hound said.

"That we've never gotten to do a mission together until now." The mansion was still smoking a little.

"Well I'm almost sure they thought you'd react poorly to my presence," Hound said, left hand twitching a little in an almost gesture to the general … leftness, of things.

"Almost sure?" Civet said, amused. "You were the one who recruited me. You recruited me successfully."

"I am definitely sure that they're regretting my success," Hound said drily.

"Whyever for," Civet said. "I do what they tell me, I come, I see, I burn it down."

"Sometimes they want the person alive."

"It's my trademark, Hound, keep up."

"Pretty sure your trademark is being fast."

Civet grinned a little behind his mask and nudged closer to Hound. "That wasn't what you were saying last night."

Hound tipped his chin up, a little. "Must you bring up last night?" faux-aggrieved.

"I don't know," Civet said. "You said I owed you, so I'm going to have to keep bringing it up because I always pay my debts. Senpai."

"You're a menace," Hound said, but Civet could hear the fondness, and when he leaned against Hound, Hound braced for his weight rather than stepping aside.

"I am," Civet said, satisfied. "Well then. We're done with this mission. What do we do now?"

"Now?" Hound made a thoughtful sound. "We ought to be heading back…"

"But there was this very nice onsen I saw on the map enroute," Civet said. "And we're more than a day early…"

"An utter menace," Hound said. "I'm not as rich as you, princess."

"The ANBU per diem will more than cover it," Civet protested laughing. "C'mon, I want to get out of the mask. I want to kiss you."

Hound sighed, but it was not really as put upon as he tried to sound. "Alright, alright. How did you manage to wrangle a per diem allowance out of the Boss anyway?"

"How did you learn the hiraishin?" Civet said. "You have your secrets, I have mine."

 


 

"You did what," Shisui said, when they were celebrating Iruka's sixteenth birthday.

"He asked," Iruka said a little defensively, "So I said yes. It's just the one date!"

"Yeah I got that," Shisuis said, eyeing his drink like it was its fault he'd just heard what he'd just did. "It's more the who! He made a bunch of first years cry, remember, and you put snail juice in his bento?"

"That was when we were kids," Iruka sniffed. "Mizuki's gotten better about it."

Shisui made doubtful noises. "I'm not sure about the better."

"He's taking the Academy Certification Exams," Iruka said, "He wants to be a Teacher - that's hardly bad is it?"

Shisui made mournful noises. "Don't remind me of my thwarted goal."

Iruka patted his hand. "You'll get to take the exams soon, don't worry!"

"He'd better be good at kissing," Shisui said as he swallowed down his drink. "Cause I still don't like him."

 


 

"Iruka said he was going on a date, he couldn't come out for drinks," Tenzou said, coming back one week too late for Iruka's birthday.

He dripped in Shisui's kitchen.

"Yeeees," Shisui said, making a face at the puddle on his floor.

"But… but - with whom?"

"With his boyfriend," Shisui said.

"Who?" Tenzou slumped onto Shisui's table and started to look particularly coniferous.

Shisui sighed. "Mizuki."

That didn't seem to enlighten him any. "He's training to be a teacher at the Academy," Shisui added.

"You trained to be a teacher at the academy," Tenzou said.

"My training is on hold while I restructure ANBU," Shisui said, and made Tenzou tea. "Stop dripping, pines don't drip."

 


 

The day Shisui turned sixteen, he had a hangover.

It wasn't because he had been drinking. He would have vastly preferred it to the real reason - which was that he'd been whammied by several genjutsu and had had to be rescued by Tenzou from a very damp, very tedious dungeon and several Kumo-nin's promise to dig out his kneecaps with rusty spoons.

All things considered, having a nasty hangover from the genjutsu was probably the better option than being blinded and possibly lamed. And maybe exploded.

Always the fun last-ditch self-defense of an Uchiha.

So he was in a very grouchy mood when he got the Hokage's summons at his window.

Another mission already?

He was going to give Yondaime a piece of his mind.

"You're retiring from ANBU as of today," Yondaime said as soon as he entered the room.

"What," Shisui said.

"I thought you would be pleased," Yondaime said, eyes wide. "I was told today was your sixteenth birthday and you'd already fulfilled your contract with ANBU?"

Shisui blinked.

Yondaime took a deep breath. "Unless you… want… to continue in ANBU?" he sounded reluctant.

"NO," said a voice that sounded remarakbly like Shikaku's from behind a door.

"Oh," Shisui said, wrong-footed for a moment before he rallied. "Yes. Here -" he pulled off his mask. "You can have it back! I'll go apply for the Academy Certification Exams RIGHT NOW!"

He didn't even wait for Yondaime to catch the mask, he was out of the door and the Tower.

"Thank kamisama," Shikaku said.

"Aw," Rat said. "I liked the kid."

 


 

"Why are you applying to retire, Kakashi?" Shikaku said, frowning a little. With Shisui gone, it ought to be everything business as usual, with the double-paperwork that Shisui's union and form filing system had created, but at least there wouldn't be anymore buildings burning down and for the most part, the Union was surprisingly easy to work with.

"Because I have a boyfriend," Kakashi said, rocking back on his heels a little.

"There's nothing stopping you from having one even in ANBU," Shikaku said. "Retirement request denied. We need you still."

"Ah, well." Kakashi said "You were so eager to have him leave. But I guess he'll just have to visit me with bento instead…"

"............... your boyfriend is Uchiha Fucking Shisui?"

Kakashi hummed.

 


 

"Sweet!" Shisui said. "So that means we can have a proper date tomorrow?"

"Yes," Kakashi said, "Come here so I can kiss you, you crazy civet."

"Princess," Shisui said, "Not Civet. Not anymore."

Chapter Text

"Have you considered just asking him out?" Shisui said as Tenzou looked increasingly mournful at his kitchen counter.

"He has a boyfriend." Tenzou looked even more hang-dog about it. "I might die on my mission."

"Who eats snails," Shisui said. "Argh. Go on your stupid mission - if you die I will hear about it, and I will raise you from the dead and smack you back to death."

 


 

"He asked me what was wrong with me, he said I was smart so why wasn't I applying to be a teacher like him?" Iruka said, scowling as he dug into his ice-cream. "God Mizuki is such a dick."

"Yeah," Shisui said, and pushed another green tea ice-cream tub towards Iruka. "Have you considered… maybe he's not a boyfriend material?"

"I'm getting to that point," Iruka said grimly. "What do you think Intel does?! We're critical to the running of the Village and shinobi missions!"

"Yeah," Shisui said. "That and the 9-5 hours and 40 hour strict work-week is like the best!"

"Yeah, and don't forget the annual bonuses!" Iruka ladled half of the pint of ice-cream into his mouth. "Ow! Brain-freeze."

"Do you wanna watch some stupid tv? I think Tenzou's favourite soap is on."

"I promised Tenzou I wouldn't watch it till he came back," Iruka said.

"Hmm yeah," Shisui said. "Good point."

 


 

"Mizuki tried to fucking kill me," Iruka said hysterically as he curled up in the hospital room. "He fucking tried to sell information to fucking Iwa, of all places! Then tried to kill me!"

Shisui made soothing noises and then grabbed Tenzou before he could slip out of the room.

"You stay here and hold his hand," Shisui hissed. "No killing Mizuki."

"But -"

"No buts!"

After all, Shisui had PLENTY of people who could do it for him.

 


 

Two months later, Shisui gave up and locked Tenzou and Iruka into the same closet.

"Just kiss!" Shisui yelled. "Tenzou, stop being a fucking conifer and kiss him!"

"A conifer?" Iruka said. "A - oh."

And then Iruka kissed Tenzou and the door grew branches and fell onto Shisui's head.

"Man if that's the thanks I get," Shisui said, "I should have washed my hands of you."

Chapter Text

"Yondaime-sama," Shisui said.

"Kamisama, why does no one warn me he's out there?" Minato said. "In fact, why is he even penciled in as 'The Sanitary Committee'?"

"You kept ducking my appointments," Shisui said. "It's very unprofessional, ever since I had taken over from Tekumi-sensei."

The problem, Minato thought, was that the Academy loved him. When Shisui had been in ANBU, Shikaku kept sending him rage-filled memos as if he hadn't been the one to push Minato to talk Shisui into ANBU. and then send him more paperwork to approve.

Shisui himself would come in with a stack twice as high to demand he read and approve, and because Shisui had been sitting right there, willing to make like a statue for however long it took for Minato to read it, he'd just desperately approve whatever Shisui put in front of him.

Everyone Minato knew hated paperwork. Everyone Minato knew knew Minato hated paperwork. The words swam in front of his eyes, he got a headache.

Uchiha Shisui apparently knew this and weaponised the weakness, perfectly willing to sit there and do his nails while Minato struggled with each page. And it wasn't even the kind of paperwork which was just intimidating. No. Every page Shisui submitted to him not only made sense, he also knew exactly what it was about, and he was willing to explain in small, short, simple words exactly what he meant. In detail.

After it eating three times into dinner, Minato had taken to jumping out the window if he knew Shisui was coming.

Minato had once tried to ask the Uchiha Clan if they could rein him in a little.

Fugaku had laughed at him for ten minutes straight and then left the room.

ANBU had coped with Shisui by unionizing and then demanding an increased budget from Minato's already strained ability to make budgets. They had the money, it's just a pain in the ass to sit down and go over it. For every year Shisui had been in ANBU, Minato had had to revise the budget twice.

He'd almost hoped that that would be the last he'd seen of Shisui and his Union Adherence Workplace Hours plans.

But it turned out?

As soon as he'd turned his gaze towards the Academy, they fell lovingly into his lap because in the last year alone, Shisui had come in once a month to demand upgrades for the buildings, better budget management for the training equipment, increased upkeep for the training obstacle course, upgrading of the annual resetting of the recalibration of traps around the Academy to being a high C-rank rather than the D-rank it had been, a revision of the Academic Calendar, more paid holidays since Academy Teachers would rarely even get the per diem allowance that all field agents now got (And that was thanks to Shisui's efforts in ANBU and still made Shikaku growl with anger).

"I'm perfectly professional, and I'm very busy -" Minato protested, and winced when Shisui eyed his very empty desk.

"I asked your secretary to ensure that you had a two hour block of free time after my meeting," Shisui said.

"How?" Minato said. He had been pleasantly surprised at getting free time in his schedule at ALL.

"Secrets, Yondaime-sama, Can't expect me to reveal them! The first item on the agenda is that next week should be a school holiday - there should be one every ten weeks -"

"You should have just taken it up to the Headmaster," Minato said desperately.

"I did, he approved, so now it's up to your final approval, Yondaime-sama," Shisui said serenely.

Minato eyed the giant stack, and hurriedly approved everything before Shisui could open his mouth to explain.

 


 

"How ever did you get Minato-sensei to approve it as a public holiday?" Kakashi asked, as Shisui linked their fingers together and pointed at the sugar-candy dragon. Kakashi obliged and bought it for him.

"You have your secrets, I have mine," Shisui said, and licked his candy till his lips were sticky with sugar, and Kakashi just had to lean in to kiss him.

Chapter Text

As far as Minato was concerned, he was a field agent. He was probably one of the best - his competition was literally a jinchuuriki, and he could still keep up so he wasn't doing too badly, all things considered.

This job as Hokage was something he most definitely felt hard-done by. Surely even Shodaime had not had to do so much paperwork? It must have been the fault of his sensei's sensei, who had obviously loved paperwork and forms with a passion.

He would have loved Shisui, Minato was sure. But the man was off living in semi-permanent sabbatical in the Land of Hotsprings, and Minato wished he'd never taken the hat.

Still he was what, thirty? That was plenty of time to retire NOW right? Shodaime and Nidaime hadn't exactly stayed in the post past that age.

(Let's ignore the fact that they'd DIED in the post)

"No," Shikaku said. "You could pay me the entire GDP of the Fire Country and I'm not going to take the goddamn hat."

"Why not? You're one of the best minds in Konoha!" Minato said, almost pleading.

"I had to spend two years with Uchiha Shisui," Shikaku said, "Did you think I want to see him on a monthly basis again?! Try Inoichi."

Inoichi also said no. Apparently Uchiha Shisui had been going at T&I too.

Akimichi Chouza refused to take an audience with Minato, apparently on a long-term out of village supplies run, which Minato was starting to think actually was 'convenient excuse to avoid Minato'.

Unsurprisingly, Fugaku was very unhelpful. "You might as well try every other jounin," Fugaku said. "No one who's spent enough time with Shisui actually wants to deal with him."

In actual fact, unhelpful advice was actually pretty helpful, in desperate circumstances.

And Minato was desperate.

 


 

"Thank you very much for your suggestions, Shisui-sensei!" Godaime said, which was a bit of a surprise, to be fair.

Yondaime and the Jounin-commander had taken to running out the other door when they saw him coming.

Godaime was made of sterner stuff, apparently.

"It would be better if you could -"

"I am confident that your suggestions have nothing but the best of the intentions for the Youth of Konoha, and that it will allow them to flower to the best of abilities!"

Shisui blinked at the sheer force of personality. "Yes - but woud -"

"If you would leave them here I will let you know of the approval by tomorrow, six am, or I shall run 100 laps around Konoha!"

"Ah," Shisui said, at loss for words and carefull tucked the stack of papers on the corner of Godaime's very full desk. "Alright, but there's a matter of - is it possible to get a day of next week?"

"As much as it pains me, the love of my Eternal Rival, It is a Very Busy Week next week with the Chuunin exams coming up! It is all hands on deck! A holiday next week is impossible!"

"But -"

"I am sure your heart is wide enough to accept that my Eternal Rival still holds you in his affections even if he is at work!"

Shisui didn't quite wince, but had to admit defeat.