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don’t own anything.


Guy Secretan is definitely more of a morning person than Sue White.

Yes, she’s pretty with it once she’s up, yet getting her to actually wake up is a challenge, a rather dangerous one at that.

Guy pretty much takes his life into his hands every single time he attempts to wake her up.

It took several attempts when they started sleeping together when they finally realised that they were in an official relationship to work out a suitable way of waking up in the morning, yet it had not been without trial and error.

In all honesty, Guy still can’t believe that he’s still alive to this day.


Guy first discovered that Sue wasn’t particularly a morning person when he’d brought his alarm clock to her place one night.

It had woken them both up at half five in the morning and hadn’t lasted for very long.

Due to Sue swearing very loudly and throwing it out of her window, calling it a wanker and sticking her fingers up at it vigorously before storming outside, getting into her car and driving over it.

Then she had simply climbed back into bed, wrapped the duvet around herself and wished Guy a ‘good morning fuckwit’ before going back to sleep.


The second time, Guy does believe he could have actually lost his life from.

After being banned from being any sort of alarm clock into their bedroom, Guy had set his phone to vibrate and placed it under his pillow.

In retrospect, he probably should’ve just left her sleeping, his shift really was starting a lot earlier that normal but he likes going to work with Sue.

He enjoys boasting to all the other staff that he has such a gorgeous girlfriend and that she really is his.

He absolutely soaks up every second of showing her off as his girlfriend when they’re at work, to the point where she nearly killed him, yes but somehow it was worth it.

However, when he’d woken her up that morning, he really did nearly loose his life as he’d decided to just roll over and wrap his arms around her tightly, startling her awake and causing her to punch him so hard that his nose bled.

She hadn’t even apologised.

Just called him a fucking moron and ‘what did he think was going to happen’ and rolled over and went back to sleep.


His third attempt was also pretty stupid in hindsight.

Having decided to get up and just make as much noise as possible whilst getting ready so she will just wake up herself.

That had not worked out in Guy’s favour at all.

Yes, she had gotten up.

Yet she had also thrown him against the window and told him under no certain terms that if he ever made that much noise again that she would throw him out of her window and run him over with her car like she had done to his alarm clock.

She had also told him to fuck off and vowed that they were not going to have sex for at least a week.

Yes, Guy has realised that, that was a terrible idea and never intends to do it that way ever again.


The fourth way, Guy thought was an extremely intelligent idea of his.

One which he could not possibly get the blame for at all.

Seeing as Mac is always awake at the same time he is due to them going into work at the same time, Guy had discreetly asked Mac to call him when he wakes up so that the phone will go off and wake both him and Sue.

It had worked in the sense that it got Sue up, it hadn’t worked in the sense that Mac nearly died as a result.

The man having had to basically run and hide from the small Scottish woman all day long for what he did.

In all honestly, both Guy and Mac should’ve seen this coming as, once after a wild night, Mac had crashed at Guy’s flat when Sue was there and had experienced what both of them looked like in the morning together.

There was Guy, a little sleepy yet smiling nonetheless, his curls a tad messy from sleep and looking pretty much the face of purity.

He’d kindly asked Mac if he’d slept alright and called him a twat for their random drinking activities the night before.

Then there was Sue, who if looks could kill both Mac and Guy would’ve been six feet under, he hair sticking up at various angles making her look like the wild witch of the woods, grumbling and swearing as she made her tea and drank it directly from the tea pot and cursing death to both the terrified men in the kitchen.

Little is known about what happened to Mac once Sue had caught up to him, yet Guy had found his best friend sitting in a corner in the hospital, rocking back and forth and whispering ‘never again.’ ‘Never a fucking gain.’


Finally, he had come up with the most effective way of waking her up.

Yes, she’ll still insult him and threaten death to him, but it will be in a more loving way and Guy is convinced that he might just survive the day.

Getting up, he is incredibly silent as he walks around her bedroom.

Going downstairs whilst trying to make as little noise as possible, he puts the kettle on and starts to prepare Sue’s favourite style of tea.

Then, he will quietly carry the steaming mug upstairs and place it on her bedside cabinet.

Waiting a moment before bending down to kiss her gently on the forehead and stroke her hair for a little while before disappearing just as she begins to awaken from her slumber.

“Fuckwit.” She will mumble softly as Guy walks away and he will smile as he believes that he might just make it though the day alive.