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If Chat Noir Had Bought Lipstick

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Chat Noir was a lot smarter than people gave him credit for. He was clever and had guts, just like his lady. For one, he knew that her vision—the one that came after a lucky charm which she had described to him once—was a large part of the reason their superhero duo was so successful. Chat Noir might be intelligent but it was Ladybug’s quick wit that got them so much farther.

He was much more the strategist than someone who came up with things on the fly.

So when Dark Cupid began firing arrows at unsuspecting Parisians who simply wished to enjoy a day with their significant other came, he was quick to react.

Today was the day he had planned to confess to ladybug and this wasn’t going to ruin it.

“Sir, I’m sorry but we’re closed now,” the employee had informed Chat Noir. “Please exit the store and find your nearest Akuma shel—OH, ACK, CHAT—”

“Shush!” Chat flailed his hands, eyes wide as he heard the tell tale sounds of screams outside. He had heard the wretched things people were saying as their lips turned black.

“Uh,” the employee stammered, “w-what—”

“That,” the superhero said quickly, pointing to a tube of black lipstick. “I need that.”

“Just take it,” they squeaked, “on the House.”

Chat Noir thanked the civilian and ran to a mirror on the other side of the store to apply it. With any luck, Dark Cupid would be fooled by the very minimal and poorly thought through plan.

The Cat glanced around until he saw a certain bug dodging arrows in the sky.

He grinned, jumping up onto a ledge and placing his staff in a small crack in the wall. Chat waited for Ladybug to pull away, the strain of the constant moving evident on her face, and twirled his tail in his hand.

Just as he expected, ladybug tossed her yo-yo and caught onto a chimney a few feet away from him.

Dark Cupid didn’t know where to look as the red bug zoomed away, barely catching herself on a roof gutter as she fell.

“Falling for me already, my lady?” Chat joked, reaching for his lady’s hand to pull her down beside him. “I have to talk to you.”

“It’s going to have to wait,” LB said worriedly, glancing behind her. “Dark Cupi–”

Chat grimaced, he was going to have to tell her the plan fast and get this Akuma over with to tell her what he actually wanted.

He placed his finger over her lips. “I swore to myself I’d tell you as soon as I saw you. Ladybug, I-I—look out!”

Dark Cupid let loose an arrow aimed at Ladybug’s back. Chat’s eyes widened as he flipped them around, feeling the projectile wiz past his side just barely.

“Cat Noir!”

The superhero sighed. This was when he had to put his plan into action. He tightened his hold on the struggling heroine, promising to beg for her forgiveness later.

“Ladybug, I-I loathe you!”

“Cat Noir, snap out of it!”

“You’re nothing, Ladybug, and nothing to me! I hate you!”

Anger flashed across her delicate features before she stomped on his foot, using his staff to launch herself into the air. Chat squealed as he scrambled for a grip on the waving staff. Barely catching the silver weapon, he got just a glimpse of Ladybug grappling onto a street lamp before rolling into Le Grand Paris.

Chat chuckled, a lopsided smile crossing his face. “I deserved that.”

Collapsing his feeble staff, he attached it to his back and slowly made his way up to the roof.

The superhero held in a scream of surprise as Dark Cupid appeared, wings flapping constantly to keep him a few feet off the ground.

He extended his hand toward the hero, a purple butterfly obscuring his features.

“I can help you crush Ladybug, but you must give me her miraculous in return.”

That sounded like Kim. Oh no.

“No…” Chat trialed off from his immediate response before he bit his tongue and remembered his plan. “Problem.”

The hero watched Dark Cupid grin, the butterfly disappearing from his face before he flew into the hotel after Ladybug. Chat sighed before jumping across to the Hotel’s roof.

LB came out of the hotel, yo-yo forming a sort of shield as she dragged Chloé out behind her. The blonde ran at the heroine’s command, quickly being pursued by Dark Cupid. Chat Noir—now featuring black lipstick—hopped down in front of his partner who he didn’t get to tell about his plan.

Rest In Peace, Cat Boy.

“Well, well, Ladybug.” Is that what villains said? He was pretty sure.

“I don’t want to fight you, Cat Noir,” she warned.

Chat, maintaining the cruel facade while internally screeching, said, “Ugh, that friendliness. It’s so revolting. You are definitely not my friend!”

Ladybug gave him the most offended expression he had ever seen before he launched at her, staff swinging purposefully in the wrong direction but just close enough for her to worry. Just as he expected, his wonderful partner jumped onto the roof, dashing away.

Suddenly, she spun around to face him and his eyes widened before he flimsily held up his staff.

He wasn’t going to actually hit the love of his life.

LB lassoed the staff, pulling it toward her.

“Why are you so full of hate, Cat Noir?”

Hatred of Akumas screwing up his confession plans maybe.

“Because hate conquers all,” he deadpanned.

“I hate to burst your bubble,” she said through gritted teeth, “but hate doesn’t conquer all! Love does!”

A look of awe crossed her face in what Chat likes to call her “epiphany expression.” He furrowed his brow, if she didn’t do something he would have to. He really didn’t want to do something.

“You’re just buying time!” He declared, hoping Dark Cupid wasn’t close enough to hear the stutter in his voice. “Fight!”

Ladybug smiled sweetly, collecting her yo-yo into her palm. “I’ll do better than that.”

Chat Noir whimpered as she advanced, eyes widening as he came to a certain realization himself. Earlier today in class. The kiss. Love conquering hate. Oh no.

“Huh?”

“Come on, Kitty kitty, just a peck…”

Chat yelped as his partner—the one he was planning on confessing to—nearly missed kissing him.

“Get back!”

Not like this, not like this.

Instead of kissing her, like he pretty much planned to do, he ran. He ran fast.

Oh, Ladybug was so not kissing him under the pretense of breaking the spell. Nope. Not happening. Thanks but no thanks, Hawkmoth.

A yo-yo string wrapped around his legs and he yelled out, dropping his staff and the only method of defending himself as his partner tied him to a lamp post. The string dug into his side as she suspended herself from the post, twin tails loosely hanging as she raised an eyebrow at him.

Chat squirmed. “No, no!”

She sighed and shook her head. “Don’t worry, I’m not looking forward to it either…”

Wait, hold up.

Chat dodged another kiss attempt, seriously considering breaking character to ask why exactly she wasn’t looking forward to it.

Ladybug groaned, reaching out to hold his nose securely. “I can’t believe I’m doing this…”

Chat was first and foremost, offended, but he didn’t have too long to feel like that until Dark Cupid shot an arrow at his partner’s back. With a yelp, Ladybug jumped out of the way and loosened her yo-yo.

The hero sighed, strapping his staff onto his back once more and giving Dark Cupid a weak fist bump as the spotted heroine hid behind a tree.

“How are you gonna fight both of us now, bug eyes?”

Once Ladybug found out about this, he was so dead.

Chat glanced at Dark Cupid who was currently laser focused on the ring the cat themed hero was wearing.

If Dark Cupid switched sides and just removed Chat Noir completely from the playing field...Ladybug would be even more pissed.

“Cataclysm,” Chat called, activating the final defense he had for his miraculous. “I’ve often wondered what would happen if I use my cataclysm on someone…”

Dark Cupid sneered, shifting his gaze back to the tree where Ladybug was hiding. A brilliant red flash made them blink, a signal that she had used lucky charm.

“Hey!” Ladybug suddenly called, coming out from behind the tree. “I’ve got a valentine’s gift for you!”

Chat glanced at the candy apple dotted with spots in her hand, suddenly very worried for the exact plan she had in mind. Either way, he didn’t have a clear idea for where the Akuma was hidden and he didn’t actually want to see what would happen if he turned and used his attack on Kim.

The facade continued as Chat leaped forward, scowling when Ladybug grabbed his tail and yanked him back before jumping on his head.

Well, that hurt.

He spun around to see his partner throw the candied Apple at Dark Cupid. The villain makes the poor choice of removing it, only to find himself in a sticky situation.

Their lips moved as they exchanged banter Chat regrettably couldn’t hear before LB turned to him, a victorious grin on her face.

Oh no.

Ladybug launched toward the black-clad hero, rolling to the side in what proved to be a mistake as Chat landed on top of her. He blinked, vaguely hearing Dark Cupid yelling orders at him.

Sounded like grab her miraculous. Well, no, but alright.

“With pleasure,” he deadpanned. “Finally, I’ll find out who you are, Ladybug. Your little secret will be out of the bag!”

With purposeful slowness, he lowered his cataclysm to her ear. When his hand gets within a few inches, he hesitated. Normally she just pushes him away or presses his nose, why is she—

Ladybug’s hands flew up to either side of his face, pulling him down to crash her lips on his. He squealed, face blushing scarlet as his partner held him in a kiss.

Cnfnenfnenfmdmfmemfmfmcmd, was about the summary of his more coherent thoughts.

Just as fast as she grabbed his face, Ladybug released him and let her hands fall to the ground. She looked at him expectantly but when she was only met with a wide-eyes stare, she pressed two gloved fingers to her mouth and wiped some of the black lipstick off that was there.

The spotted heroine glowered. “Chat—”

“It was a good idea before I almost got shot,” he squealed in his defense.

“We will talk about this later. The brooch, kitty.”

“Of course, milady.”