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Bigger Than Love

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It’s supposed to be perfect, and Jungkook doesn’t understand how he’s supposed to make it perfect if no one will let him see the final export.

Jimin claps him on the back. “It’s a surprise, Jungkookie. None of us are seeing it until it goes up.”

Jungkook frowns. “But it’s my song.”

“Yeah. Your song . That you sang beautifully. And now it’s up to the video team to finish editing.”

Jungkook doesn’t know how to explain to them that he’s not trying to be difficult. It’s just, he could have done the editing. He has enough footage. He could have put together a gorgeous, bomb-ass montage to the remix that Armys would have loved.

It’s his song. His gift. He should have done it all.

But they’ve talked about this. Selfishness. That this is a team effort. That sometimes other people can make things better. To have an open-heart. So. A producer said they’re doing a lyric video, so they’re doing the lyric video. Something aesthetic and dreamy and artsy. More technical terms were used, but that’s what Jungkook gathered from the discussion. He’s not sure why they picked his title song, if anything they should have gone with Seokjin’s. But Seokjin would be releasing his first self-composed track, and Taehyung’s solo was a bit dark for the vibe they were reaching for, and it’s been a while since Serendipity was released.

So. Euphoria. A new arrangement, new digital mixing, and now a new music video that Jungkook forgot existed up until ten minutes ago when he crawled out of the nest he made in his bed after a day of sleeping off their wicked jetlag.

He should shower first. Maybe eat. Maybe he’ll just eat in the shower. Maybe he’ll run a bath and steal Taehyung’s tray, the wooden one he places over the tub so he can set his laptop and a candle on, and eat off of that. Perfect. There’s a plan.

Jungkook is just gathering up a new set of clothes when his eyes flit over his phone, which has fallen out of the hoodie he tossed to the floor in his sleep. The notification light is blinking, so Jungkook scoops it up and pads off to the bathroom after making a detour in the kitchen to reheat some kimchi jjigae they had for takeout last night.

He’s mid-strip when his thumb ghosts over the youtube notif, heart tripping because he forgot, holy shit how did he forget about the video? About his song? No wonder his phone is flipping out.

Before checking messages, not wanting to be spoiled, Jungkook clicks on the link, sees his face fill the screen, and promptly trips over one of his pant legs and careens into the sink counter.

He shrivels up on the floor as a flare of pain spreads through the shoulder that took most of the brunt force, but the video is still playing and Jungkook scrambles across the tile to find, yes indeed, that is definitely still his face shoving a spoonful of choco puff cereal into his mouth.

Jungkook rolls over until his back hits the tub, shivers against the cool porcelain, and rewinds the video to the start because this can’t be right. They said they were doing an illustrative lyric video. They were even hiring out this artist from London or somewhere to animate it.

Instead, Jungkook eating cereal.

Jungkook, busking in Malta.

Jungkook, eating ugly hotdogs on the photoset of Tear.  

Jungkook, sleeping on a mat during a break for Run.

Jungkook allows the video to play, not really understanding the scenes because this isn’t a lyric video. Even more discombobulating, this isn’t his b-roll. This one right here is from Jimin. That’s Seokjin’s laughter off screen. Taehyung zooming in on his nose like he always does in every clip they’ve ever taken together.

And then Jungkook sees it. It’s in the title of course, the one he didn’t fully read, but it really only clicks when Jungkook spots the yellow text in the header.

JK Memories by BTS

Jungkook blanks for a moment, and then it’s there, the final scene. Himself, walking along the path next to a beach in Saipan, shooting for a GCF.

The screen goes dark. It’s much too still, and Jungkook glances up, confused for a second as to why he’s on the ground. Looks back to his lap. Notices his phone is wet.

He startles, thinking maybe it’s spray from the tub; but when Jungkook goes to wipe away the water drops, another lands on his wrist. And then another. And then Jungkook realizes he’s crying, and it’s like once he’s aware of it, he just can’t stop.

He unfurls himself from the floor, chest heaving, and zombie shuffles out the door and into the hall, only thinking about how he needs a hyung. Any hyung. He just needs one. All of them would be great. But Hoseok’s out with family. Namjoon, too. What if all the hyungs are out? What if Jungkook has just been left here alone to deal with these, these feelings on his own.

Holy shit, they’ve been hiding this from him for months .

He needs a hug, he needs a hug, he needs so many freakin’ hugs .

“Jungkook-ah?”

Jungkook stops in the living room. Tears roll down his face, dripping onto his neck. He can’t bring himself to wipe them way.

He is also very much so half-naked, which isn’t an unheard of occurence in the dorm, except the air-conditioning is running and it’s pricking his skin and he’s only in his boxers and still has one sock hanging off and Taehyung is holding a piece of watermelon to his mouth like he was about to bite into it except here Jungkook is.

Half-naked with one sock on.

Phone clutched in hand.

Bawling.

Surprise crosses Taehyung’s face, then fear, and suddenly Jungkook is being folded up against a chest and Taehyung is cooing in his ear and there’s a shout from behind, another body careening into his back. Hands in his hair, on his neck, along his arms. Petting him and pressing in tight as he just sobs into Taehyung’s bony shoulder.

“What the hell happened?”

Jungkook tries to explain what happened, which the answer to that is nothing, he’s just being sensitive. But all that leaves his mouth is a hiccupy jarble of almost-words. Someone’s holding his hand. Yoongi. Yoongi’s holding his hand and Jimin is nuzzling against his spine and Taehyung is rocking them all side to side like this is some kind of terrible slow-dance and there’s only warmth in their faces and Jungkook just wants to tell them how much he loves them but then.

Then .

Seokjin. Standing in the opening to the hall with his phone out. Taking a video. Beaming .

Jungkook’s not sure how it goes down. Maybe Jin managed to catch it on film. But one moment Jungkook is crying in the arms of his favorite people in the world, and the next he has Jin pinned to the floor. Like seeing Jin activated this primal urge within to tackle something.

Jin is laughing though, and Jungkook realizes he’s started crying again and is just warbling on about nothing. About how they’re all terrible. About how he loves them so much. About how life isn’t fair. About how he just wants to eat an entire roll of kimbap.

Jimin’s still shouting behind them. Taehyung has Yoongi in a back hug, the two of them oddly at peace with what’s happening.

Jin did get it all on camera, and they broadcast it on the TV with bluetooth the next day when Hoseok and Namjoon are home. Hoseok immediately starts dishing out sloppy kisses, laughter bleating out of him; but afterwards Namjoon just tucks Jungkook into a hug and gives him a firm pat on the back.

Jungkook’s never been great with words, isn’t quite sure how to express to the others what this truly means to him. But if all he has to go off of is the way Namjoon looks down at him as he pulls away, with the same soft, scrunched eyes he tends to look at everything with these days: his bonsai, his figurines, his music; like they’re important, like they need to be held carefully and cherished--

Well, Jungkook thinks they might understand him just fine.

 

Fin.