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The 'In Which' Oneshots of Chaos

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In Which Billie has a Normal Homeschooled Day And Decides to Make Cookies

 

There were many perks to being homeschooled. First, there was no homework. After all, the whole learning part of homeschool was at home. The second, plenty of freetime. Plenty of freetime meant plenty of time with Finneas. Time with Finneas meant song writing. Song writing meant freedom . Freedom not in, being able to leave a place your captured in-heh, oh never that type of freedom-But rather, being able to let yourself go. Being able to be yourself, to put feelings down on paper and twist and bend music to how you wish. And third, cookies. Home always had cookies. Did school have cookies? No. But home did.

 

Billie decided that was the best part of homeschool. She put down her pencil and smiled at herself, rereading what she just wrote. She liked this. So far, at least. Knowing herself, she would probably deem it horrible in a few weeks and rip it out of her notebook. Again.

 

“I cAnNoT dO tHe SnOwFlAkE-“ Billie chuckled to herself and answered her phone. “Billie Eilish here, fuck off, feind.”

 

“Woah jeez Billie, it’s only me!” Melanie laughed, her tinkling laughter coming through the phone. “Is that really how you answer your phone?”

 

“Uhm, duh? How else would I answer it?” She put on her higher-pitched ‘Melanie Voice.’ “‘Hi this is Ms. Martinez, yes I would like your money, no, I can’t marry you, have a good day sweetheart’?”

 

Melanie’s bell-laughter came through the phone again. “That is not how I answer the phone!” She stopped to take a breath. “I would say ‘darling’ instead of sweetheart!”

 

“Oh right, right, my bad.” Billie leaned back in her chair, praying it didn’t fall back on her.

 

“So what you doing, Eyelash?”

 

“It’s Eilish and you know it, Martnzes.”

 

“Martnzes?”

 

“I came up with something on the spot, okay?”

 

“Fair enough. I’ve seen ten-year-olds pronounce it worse than that.” She laughed again. “But back to the topic, what are you doing?”

 

“Literally nothing. Mama locked me in my asylum to journal my thoughts or some other shit like that.” She made a sour face that was able to come through the phone.

 

“Asy-oh, your bedroom?”

 

“It’s become more of an mini asylum with posters of my face on the walls, but yeah.”

 

“Well how’s the writing going for ya?”

 

“I wrote about homeschool…” she trailed off and looked over her writing again, “and Finneas, and cookies.”

 

“Did you really write about how homeschool has cookies and public doesn’t, again?

 

“Yeah, well that’s not the only thing public school doesn’t have!”

 

“Oh really? What else comes to mind?”

 

“Finneas. And you. I can’t just take out my phone and tell the teacher ‘I’m calling my friend who’s too old for school now, and you can’t stop me b*tch’.” Billie stood up from her chair and flopped onto her bed, rummaging under her pillows for that extra bag of cookies and candy she knew she had there.

 

“Good point, but too old for school? I could waltz in there, dressed like... you , and I would be able to pass for a college sophomore.”

 

“Dressed like me?! What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“Have a short person personality, wear baggy clothes, and slouch all the time.”

 

“Slouch? Melanie you’re already short.”

 

“Offended.”

 

“I am too.”

 

“Offended or…?”

 

“Short.”

 

The call went on for a couple more minutes, and if it turned into an hour, well that’s okay. Eventually Finneas called Billie out for lunch and so Billie said goodbye.

 

“Were you talking to Melanie again ?” Finneas sat at the table, taking a sip of his soda.

 

“Do I have any other friends?” Billie immediately started on her grilled-cheese-and-avocado sandwich.

 

“Me? Ariana? That one girl Elise? And that one girl from the piano project thing?”

 

“You’ll always be my best friend.” Billie smile and laid into her brother.

 

“Aww you sentimental piece of shi-“

 

“Language, Finneas O’Connell!” Maggie entered the room and waved her finger in her son’s face.

 

“Moooooom I’m not a child anymore!” Finneas pouted, causing Billie to laugh.

 

“You are if you use that attitude.” She crosses her arms and leaned back, a smirk on her face. “And you know full and well, that you both can swear not around me or when I’m distracted.”

 

“Yeah but that’s not enough -“ Billie’s mind went elsewhere and she stopped listening.

 

She gazed out the window. Suddenly an old memory of baking cookies with her mom and brother came up. She stood up and slammed her hands on the table. “LETS MAKE COOKIES.”

 

Finneas jumped back, surprised. “You wanna make-“

 

“Chocolate chip with oatmeal and this kind of glaze-y frosting cookies.” Billie snapped her head to him and then her mom. “I saw them on Instagram. Can I use your fancy mixer mom?”

 

Maggie sighed. “Check if we have the ingredients, then maybe.”

 

“Yes!” Billie pumped her fist in the air and ran to the kitchen, Finneas on her tail.

 

“But you already have cookies in your room!!”

 

“But they’re not chocolate chip with oatmeal and glaze frosting!” Billie shot back, rummaging through the pantry.

 

“Maybe finish those before you make more?”

 

“I can always give them to you, or dad. Or that one girl from that homeschool piano project thingy.”

 

“You mean..agh what’s her face, Juliet?”

 

“Yeah her.” Billie dumped a million ingredients into the island in the living room and laughed triumphantly. “We have enough!!”

 

Finneas came up behind her and whispered in her ear, “no avocados? Billie I’m surprised.”

 

“I’m not that obsessed, sheesh.” She pushed him away playfully and headed for the pan cabinet.

 

“Do you need my help or-” Maggie started, before getting cut off.

 

“Nah mom it's okay. Finneas and I will figure it out.” Billie started getting things out and putting the pans on the stove.

 

“Wait I didn't sign up for cookies!”

 

“If you want to eat them you need to help.”

 

“Does that mean mom and dad don't get any?” Finneas sighed, giving in and helped his sister get the ingredients ready.

 

“They help by wrangling us and supporting us in our music career.” Billie replied, preheating the oven.

 

“Fair enough.” Finneas laughed and shook his head.

 

~

 

I made cookies!

 

Billie, you already have cookies.

 

You can never have enough cookies, Ariana.

 

What kind?

 

Chocolate chip oatmeal with glaze frosting.

 

Mm. Sounds interesting. Are they good?

 

Delicious.

 

So when are you opening a bakery?

 

Ha, very funny.

 

I'm serious.

 

I can't open a f*cking bakery. I'm a 17 year old sensational singer.

 

Sure you can. Your fans will love it.

 

I don't wanna give up my music career. Plus Fin said they were horrible.

 

I bet he was talking about the glaze.

 

I did accidently overdo the sugar…

 

You can never have enough sugar, miss Eilish.

 

I guess you're right. Because here I am, voice texting you while licking the glaze bowl clean.

 

Don't get sick.

 

Pffft, me? Getting sick? Over sugar?

 

It can happen Billie. Don't underestimate sugar’s power.

 

Too late.

 

...you finished the bowl, didn't you.

 

Maaaaybeee…

 

If you have to cancel your show this weekend Finneas is gonna be pissed.

 

It's not my fault he's slow!

 

What does that have to do with anything?

 

He tried running after me to get the bowl back. I escaped.

 

Billie.

 

Ariana.

 

I ground you from sugar for the rest of your life.

 

You're not my mom.

Then i'll just go call your mom to tell her what you did…

 

Please don't.

 

No more sugar.

 

...Fine.

 

Good girl.

 

-_-

 

:)

 

~

 

“BILLIE?!”

 

“WHAT?”

 

“WHERE’S THE GLAZE BOWL?”

 

Silence.

 

BILLIE EILISH PIRATE BAIRD O’CONNELL!”

 

“Mom we’re in the bathroom.”

 

~

 

I told you not to underestimate sugar.

 

Oh f*ck off.



Chapter Text

Ar1ana added WhereAreTheAvocados to the group chat.

 

Ar1ana added FinOConnell to the group chat.

 

Ar1ana added LittleBodyBigHeart to the group chat.

 

Ar1ana: Y’all. My house. 9 pm.

 

Beilish (@WhereAreTheAvocados): Ariana? Wtf?

 

Foconnell (@FinOConnell): why am I here.

 

Ar1ana: you’re gonna act like our older brother that will bail us out of jail if we get arrested.

 

Foconnell: What?!

 

Belish: WHAT?!

 

Martnez (@LittleBodyBigHeart): What the hell is this thing for.

 

Beilish: I see you like my nickname

 

Martnez: it was a dare, okay!?

 

Ar1ana: ALRIGHT back on track

 

Foconnell: were we even on track to begin with?

 

Martnez: What even is the track

 

Beilish: I know a really good track. I think it’s called When We All Fall Asleep, Where do We Go?

 

Ar1ana: wow. Shameless self-promo

 

Foconnell: I like it

 

Beilish: Fin did my make up and it actually looks good so I’m feeling good about myself.

 

Martnez: Finneas you do make up?!

 

Foconnell: I don’t. It looks horrible.

 

Beilish: Anyway. Back on track. Again.

 

Ar1ana: YES. GOD, GUYS. Anyway, I broke up with my boyfriend and I want to TP and egg his house.

 

Martnez: and you want us to go with you?

 

Ar1ana: duh

 

Martnez: No

 

Foconnell: no

 

Beilish: HELL YEAH

 

Foconnell: Billie!!

 

Beilish: Fin you know you want to

 

Foconnell: I know I don’t wanna have to bail you guys out of jail AND cancel your show on Saturday, Billie

 

Martnez: we won’t go to jail for egging Ariana’s ex.

 

Foconnell: how do you know that?

 

Martnez: because I’ve done it before. I got a pass.

 

Beilish: how long does that pass last.

 

Martnez: I don’t know this shit.

 

Ar1ana: Mel you’re either in or you’re out. Which ones it gonna be?

 

Martnez: Fine I’m in.

 

Foconnell: why am I dragged into this?

 

Ar1ana: because Billie won’t go anywhere without you.

 

Beilish: it’s true

 

Foconnell: god fine. I’ll go

 

Beilish: FUCK YEAAAAH!!

 

Martnez: someone’s excited

 

Ar1ana: WOOO YES!!!!!

 

Foconnell: someone else is as well.

 

Ar1ana: Alright. To repeat: my house. 9pm.

 

Foconnell: I'm gonna regret this.

 

Beilish: I’ll bring toilet paper!

 

Martnez: I have black beanies.

 

Ar1ana: A plan is in order.

 

~

 

i CaNnOt dO tHe SnOwfLa-

 

“Billie EIlish, yes I'll take your money, no I can't marry you.”

 

“I see you like how I answer my phone.”

 

“I altered it, Martnez.”

 

“Fine. Alright. I forgot Ariana’s address soooo…”

 

Billie swung her legs from the silver Tesla she was sitting on. Ariana was trying on a black sweatshirt and Finneas was counting how much money he brought; in case of emergencies.

 

“Just…” She sighed. “Take a left on Cedar road and…”

 

Ariana looked up at Billie, who mouthed ‘she's lost’. Ariana just snickered and rolled her eyes.

 

~

 

A fucking half hour later and finally Melanie arrives at the house.

 

“The meet up time was 9pm, Mel. Not 9:45.” Billie said.

 

“I got lost, alright?! Also some girls found my house and wanted autographs.”

 

“No more fighting! Let’s just get to ruining his house!” Ariana pushed through Billie and Melanie and unlocked the car. “Finneas you're driving.”

 

“What?!” Finneas caught the keys Ariana threw at him, the same time Billie and Melanie screamed “Shotgun!”

 

“Billie, Mel, it's Ariana’s car. She should be riding-” a slam cut Finneas off as Billie plopped into the front seat, legs on the dashboard and middle fingers flying through the air. He sighed. “It's as if you havent grown up yet.” He started toward the car and slid into the driver’s seat.

 

“I'm 17, so no, I really haven’t.”

 

Ariana plopped into the seat behind Billie and Melanie slid next to her. “NOW DRIVE LIKE THE COPS ARE BEHIND YOU!”

“No, I am going to drive like a normal person.” Finneas pulled out of the driveway and followed Ariana’s directions.

 

Billie put on their special playlist, a combo of everyone’s best songs.

 

“Hey we never named this playlist.” She noticed.

 

“You name your playlists?” Ariana was currently putting on eyeliner.

 

“Call it ‘In Which’.” Melanie suggested.

 

“What? Why? That's so random.”

 

“Have any other ideas?” Melanie looked pointedly at Billie.

 

“Well, no but-”

 

“In Which it is.”

 

~

 

“Here it is-! FINNEAS YOU DROVE PAST IT!!”

 

“You said ‘here it is’ as I was already past it!”

“Turn around!”

 

“Whyyyy did I think this was a good idea.”

 

~

 

“Here it is!” The car slowed to a stop and Ariana leapt out of it. Billie opened the door and got out the same time as Melanie.

 

“I'm staying here.”

 

“Finneas, you're no fun.” Billie pouted, tugging on her black beanie. “Come on! Live a little!”

 

“Do you want a getaway driver or not?”

 

“Billie he might ditch us if you keep pestering him.” Arian unloaded the eggs and toilet paper from the trunk.

 

“Hhh, fine. Alright. Let's egg this house.” She grabbed four and tossed them full speed at the walls.

 

Melanie grabbed toilet paper and tried-keyword, tried-to loop it around the gutters. She failed multiple times.



By the end of the night, the girls didn’t get caught and the house was a mess. They snuck into the car again and only burst out in laughter when all doors were closed.

 

“Finneas!! Drive!! I see a light in the top window!” Ariana screeched. Billie and Melanie couldn’t stop laughing. They zoomed away, leaving a house egged, TP-ed, and covered in love.