The wind picked up, dusting leaves across the sidewalk in front of Damian as he walked. Tugging his jacket tighter around himself, he hurried toward the front steps of Dick's apartment complex. He paused at the door, punching in the code Dick had supplied and slipped inside, ensuring the door fastened behind him. He gave a nod to the security guard at the front desk and chose the stairs instead of the elevator, desperately trying to stop his nerves from skittering under his skin.
Swallowing against the uncomfortable feeling, Damian took every flight in record time and imagined shoving his emotions down further inside himself with every single step. Emerging on Dick's floor, he made his way down the hall and hesitated outside the door, uncertainty forcing him to stay his own hand for just a moment. He wanted to knock and he didn't. Wanted to ask for help and didn't.
Breath hitching, he raised his fist and knocked, doing his best to slide the mask that Robin would wear down over his demeanor.
The door opened and Dick beamed at him, opening it wider to let him in.
Damian slipped inside, giving Dick a bob of his head and a quiet, "Grayson," on his way toward the little kitchen just off the living room. He needed to busy his hands, keep them from obviously shaking or clenching into the fists he wanted to make. Opening a cabinet, he selected a glass and retrieved water from the tap, even knowing Dick had filtered water in the fridge. He didn't want to have to ask for anything and the fridge was an asking zone in his opinion.
Before he could take a drink, Dick deftly plucked the glass from his hands, dumping the water into one of the three plants lining his kitchen island and opened the fridge, pouring Damian some of the filtered water and handing the glass back. He leaned against the island and crossed his arms, tipping his head at Damian, concern in his eyes, though his face remained carefully passive.
Damian sighed, draining half the glass of water before putting it next to the sink and carefully arranging himself to hide as much as he could without it being obvious. His heart slammed in his chest and absolutely nothing had prepared him for how nervous he actually was over this particular ask. "You once promised that if I ever needed something – no matter what it was – that I could call in a favor from you. Just one, no questions asked. Does that promise still stand?"
He glanced up, watching the fear paint itself behind Dick's eyes, his body a lie of relaxation and complete ease. Damian looked away.
Damian gave a slight nod. "Then consider this my official notice that I am cashing in on that promise."
"Tell me what you need and I'll make it happen."
Damian gritted his teeth, ground them until they hurt and beyond for a few seconds before he could unclench his jaw and take a much needed breath for the words to tumble out. "I do not feel comfortable going alone. There are reasons I do not wish to discuss that going is a necessity." He hesitated. There was no going back once he admitted what it was he needed. He wanted to squirm in his own skin, wanted to yank at his clothing and make it stop feeling like it all fit entirely wrong. He picked up the glass and drained the other half of the water, turned and carefully washed and dried the glass while making one last check with himself if he really wanted to admit to Dick where he was embarrassed to be going alone.
Placing the glass back in the shelf, he turned back to face Dick, crossed his arms over his chest and did his best to look sour instead of mortified. "I require a trip to a – " the words strangled in his throat and he had to force them out, saying them louder than he meant to, "sex toy shop." The hot flush that was both arousal and fear tingled along his every nerve, lit them up in quick succession. Glancing up, he watched Dick's face, saw the relief overpowering everything else.
Dick pushed away from the counter. "I know one that's discreet, a bit out of the way, and reasonable in their pricing. May I ask questions that you do not have to answer that would help me ensure they'll have whatever you're after?"
Damian made a strangled sound, following Dick back toward the door where he watched Dick kneel to put on his shoes. Dick glanced up at him and Damian shrugged before looking away. It didn't mean he'd answer, but Dick could ask that kind of question. Just not why.
"What kind of item are you looking for?"
Anguish burned in Damian's gut and he clammed up, gritting his teeth and looking away, staring pointedly at the wall until he heard Dick stand up and open his coat closet. When the rustle of fabric stopped, he looked back, found Dick watching him with some amount of concern. "You know, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. You will be the first few times, nothing will change that, but ultimately it's not something to leave you feeling upset. Sexuality is normal, no matter where you land on the spectrum. Not wanting it all the way to wanting it all the time and hormones dictate a lot of things. It's also perfectly okay to be embarrassed."
Dick waited for a moment and when Damian said nothing, he turned and opened the door, holding it until Damian slipped past to stand in the hallway. Once it was closed and locked, they made their way to the elevator, Dick silent until they were in the parking garage and safely inside Dick's car. "This doesn't count as cashing in on my promise, just so you know."
The car started and they backed out of the space, Damian trying to hide in his jacket, wishing like hell his heart would stop banging in his chest. For all the things they'd learned to calm, never once had they worked on sexual desire. Ultimately, he wasn't sure if it was because his father thought him to have none or if it simply wasn't something that registered on Batman's radar. He supposed Bruce took care of things in his own way, did what he needed to as he needed it, whereas Damian was firmly stuck between a rock and a hard place with his own sexual needs.
He'd always felt embarrassed by the things his body did, even when alone. Once puberty had taken hold, he'd been entirely mortified of the surprises he'd woken up with in his shorts or the constant straining of his body. It had taken months for him to feel comfortable enough to try anything with himself and when he had, it'd been nearly too much to endure, the pleasure too great and his entire system unaccustomed to pleasurable things. He'd limited it at first, denied himself until truly embarrassing things began happening at school and out on patrol and then it had only been shame that had dictated his actions when he was alone in his bedroom or the shower.
Tucking himself further down in his seat, he closed his eyes and allowed himself to think on what had brought him to this point and why he needed to suck up all of his anxiety at doing this and just do it. He'd turned eighteen three months ago and in that time, it seemed Jon had been firmly advancing in his own sexuality, trying to lead them down paths Damian knew he wasn't legally allowed to follow any longer. The most they'd done before Damian had turned eighteen had been kissing. Admittedly, kisses that lasted for what seemed like forever and left his entire body humming with need. But that's as far as it had ever gone... until recently. Jon had started trying to crawl in his lap while they were making out, his body arching against Damian's until he felt like he had to punch a wall to keep his control.
He knew the legality of it, knew that since neither of them had publicly admitted that they were together before Damian was eighteen that there were no laws to protect him. If he were ever caught doing more than they were doing – or really even what they were – he could technically be prosecuted, and leave it to Gotham to actually do that in the face of something so mundane as two teens seeking pleasure in one another.
Damian wasn't stupid. He knew it was up to him, as the older and more responsible of them, to control himself and steer them away from the inevitable until Jon reached his eighteenth birthday as well. To the world it didn't matter that Jon was the only person Damian wanted to be with. It didn't matter that he'd been his first kiss or the first person he'd slept beside of. It didn't matter at all that he felt what he could have easily labeled as emotional attachment and even possibly more toward Jon. The world would only see a young man unable to control his hormones and a younger one being taken advantage of. They'd slander him and his family and drag them through the mud for something Damian had the power to control.
The solution was simple in theory, more difficult in practice. Obtain the sex toys to emulate what he actually wanted. Use them every chance he got until he could control himself enough with Jon that it never went further than it already had.
Damian's toes curled in his shoes and he allowed himself to look out the window, watch as the world passed them by, Dick navigating them through Blüdhaven and toward the sex shop. The neon sign came into view and Damian swore his heart was going to launch itself out of his throat. They parked around the side, the small wooden fence hiding all the cars in the lot from the street. He yanked his seat belt off and crawled out of the car, trying not to gag against the feeling of anxiousness clogging his throat like a horrible cotton ball.
Dick paused at the front of his car, waiting on Damian. "They'll ask for your ID, that's normal. I show them my real one, you may want to as well since they know me."
Damian shuddered, headed after Dick as he began to make his way across the parking lot and up to the building, opening the door and holding it for Damian to slip past. Damian came to a stop at the top of a little ramp, eyes darting over the various items within the shop: the lingerie, novelty cards, bachelorette games and straws and candies with penises on them, and then up to watch a woman make her way toward them, calling out, "May I see your IDs please?"
Damian fished his wallet out, slid his ID out and waited, trying not to let his hands shake as she came toward them. He slid his ID into her waiting hand, taking note of her long blue acrylic nails, the little stars making lines down each one, and then flicked a glance up to her face, watching as she blew a bubble in her bright pink gum. It popped and she handed his ID back, taking Dick's instead, long fingernails lightly raking through pink hair. She smiled and handed Dick's ID back. "Please let me know if you'd like to see anything or if you need any help or recommendations."
Dick said something and Damian focused on not passing out, the ringing in his ears growing until he felt dizzy with it. Dick's hand on his back guided him down the ramp and through the racks of lace and leather and silk toward the back wall. The ringing turned to a rushing sound and Damian forced himself to breathe, trying to focus past his nerves to see the things in front of him.
"Thought we'd start somewhere and this seemed as good a place as any."
Dick's words drifted to him through the haze of his nerves and Damian focused on putting his ID away and then shoving his hands into his jacket pockets and clenching his fists as hard as he could to stop the shaking. His gaze flicked over the things in front of him, taking note Dick had chosen the neutral area between two sections to stop Damian in front of. Anal toys lined the wall going toward his right and toward the left masturbator sleeves and penis pumps.
Damian stood there, stoved up and feeling like he wasn't really seeing anything. Overwhelmed didn't even begin to cover it. He was so anxious that while he was rapidly heading into hornier than he'd ever been territory, he also wasn't even remotely hard. His cheeks felt like they were on fire and his heart felt sluggish from beating too fast for too long already. He wanted to run away and also wanted to try everything on the wall in front of him. He wanted to vomit about as much as he wanted to jizz himself stupid.
He closed his eyes and started trying to build up the walls inside his mind, trying to tell himself this was a mission, not a personal thing. Some case needed the items he wanted.
Dick's hand on his shoulder made him gasp, his eyelids flying open, though he didn't pull away like he thought he would have. Reassuring pressure was applied and then Dick let go, reaching up and pulling a simple sleeve from the shelf and turning the package over, carefully holding it where Damian could see it. It was a tube-like design, a little more flared at one end than the other and held no specification of genitalia like some of the other packages did. The inside featured "pleasure twists" according to the package's wording and the side of the box showed a cross-section of the toy, the design on the inside of the tube.
Dick pulled another from the shelf, also pretty nominal in features, this one looking like an hour glass and the package proclaiming three different "zones" of various ribbing. One looked like spirals, another like nubs, and the third exactly like the other toy's insides. Damian barely held back a pleasured little shudder, his cock finally trying to get with the program, slowly stiffening inside his jeans. He clenched his fists harder and went as still as possible, tensing his thighs and calves, trying to divert the blood flow elsewhere.
He heard the distinct snap of bubble gum and the pink-haired girl was back, smiling as Dick asked her if he could see each of those toys. She opened the packaging, on the first one, extracted the plastic wrapped tube and tilted it toward Dick, showing him the hole. He took it and squeezed it a little as she opened the second package. He held it toward Damian a little, in a manner that seemed almost accidental instead of on purpose and Damian stared at the hole, considered sticking his dick in it and shifted uneasily, his plan of blood diversion fading away.
Dick handed back the first toy, accepting the second and once more holding it toward Damian just enough for him to see, but again seeming like that was just where he was holding it. This one made Damian want to fuck it so desperately he had to clench his teeth and press his toes against the floor through his shoes as hard as he could.
Dick let the sales girl put the toy back in the box and then took that box from her. She wandered off and Damian desperately tried to get himself in order. Dick moved a few feet to the right and selected something off the shelf that Damian completely missed. They headed toward the front of the store and Damian had to force himself to keep walking, wanting so badly to stare at all the dildos and anal play toys but knowing he should probably ramp up, not just get everything at once and get bored too quickly. They paused by a rack and Damian watched as Dick selected a large bottle of lube and a three pack of condoms.
They moved to the checkout and a second girl smiled at them, taking the purchases and opening the packages to inspect the toys for any damage, placing them back into their packaging. The second box – it turned out – had a small corded vibrator with various attachments. Everything from a slim probe to a small plug. Excitement tingled in Damian's veins and he wondered what it would be like to get one for himself next time. Assuming he could convince himself to come back into one of these stores in this lifetime.
Squirming a little Damian pulled out his wallet and handed over the thirty for the masturbator and another ten for the lube, making an assumption it was for him.
Dick accepted the cash and tucked it in his wallet, paying with his card and smiling and joking with the cashiers, holding a conversation Damian couldn't have concentrated on if he'd wanted to. He watched the purchases go into a fancy bag and the tissue paper they put on top. Everything was handed over and Damian followed Dick out of the store, hands trembling when Dick handed him the bag after they got in the car.
He wanted to rip open the package and stare at his new toy, wanted to go home and use it immediately. More than any of that, he wanted to stop having what was rapidly turning into a painful erection so he could go back to being his usual self instead of this uncomfortable, squirmy ball of desire.
"All of it's for you. I figure anyone can give things a try once and if they hate it, then whatever. If they don't, well, own it. Pleasure is pleasure." Dick started the car and tugged on his seat belt, Damian fastening his and trying to shuffle around enough to relieve some of the pressure against his cock.
"Lots of guys try to knock anal play without ever trying it. I say, fuck that." Damian could hear the amusement in Dick's voice at the last two words and when he dared glance at him, he saw the laughter in his eyes before he turned his head to carefully back out of the parking spot.
They headed out of the lot and back through the streets of Blüdhaven. "Want a ride home or want to stay the night at my place?"
Damian knew it was an offer made in case he wanted to hide what he'd gotten from Bruce. But it had always felt wrong to so much as touch himself in Dick's apartment. In all the years he'd stayed there, he'd never once gotten off within those walls, nor did he ever intend to. It was bad enough he'd done such things a few times at Jon's house out of pure desperation to keep his control with Jon. He managed a quiet croak of, "Home," and watched as Dick set a new course.
The rest of the car ride was silent, Dick turning on the music about halfway there and leaving Damian to close his eyes and try to calm down. They were on the last stretch of road when Dick spoke up again. "Just let me know if you want to go back. Just say something like, 'you know that shop we went to? I'd like to go back,' and I'll know what you're talking about."
Damian made a noise of affirmation, remaining quiet until they were in the driveway, wherein he managed a quiet, "Thank you," before all but bolting from the car. It was only learned control that kept him from running up the steps and inside. His joints felt stiff and his heart raced as he took his package inside, pausing to slip his coat off and let Alfred take it, his only words, "Thank you, Pennyworth," before he headed straight upstairs.
Locking his door, he ditched his shoes and went to sit on the edge of his bed, plucking out the tissue paper and peering down into the bag, his cock stiffening in his jeans until it actively hurt to keep it trapped. His hips rocked a few times and he dumped the contents on the bed, grabbing the lube and ripping off the protective plastic, tossing it in the trash bin beside his bed. He opened the box with the sleeve in it and nearly whined as he extracted it from the little plastic bag and experimentally shoved two fingers into it.
Using one foot to shove himself back on his bed, he wrangled open his jeans, breath fast and excited as he grabbed the lube and clicked open the lid. Pouring some into his toy, he squirmed around enough to get his jeans and underwear out of the way. His cock strained and he bit back a needy whine, arching his hips and holding still long enough to push the toy down on his dick. Pleasure shot along his nerves and he shuddered hard, hips starting to jerk, both feet planting on the bed to give him leverage. His mouth opened in a silent cry as he fucked the toy's tight little hole. His muscles strained and he choked on a shout as he began to shoot off faster than he'd ever imagined. Even his first time masturbating hadn't been this fast.
His heart pounded in his chest as he laid there, toy tight against his body, cock buried inside the pleasurable tube, his cum warm around his penis. Still he was hard, achingly so. Tipping his head back, he made himself breathe, tentatively moving the toy over himself. Pleasure so intense it was nearly painful filled him and this time he did make a strained little sound, starting to jack the toy on his cock as quickly as he could, his thighs tensing and his balls exceedingly tight. His cock strained and his belly quivered and he was releasing a second time, this time jacking frantically through it, cumming enough that it began to dribble out the other end of the toy with every movement.
Panting, he pulled the toy off and laid there, hips humping the air, erection still straining, so horny he could barely think. He humped the air a few times, wrapped his free hand around himself and masturbated desperately, breath coming in difficult little gasps. His entire body was on edge and he wanted nothing more than to fuck. Squirming onto his side, he shoved the sleeve back over his penis and turned until he could hold the toy against the bed and hump into it. He closed his eyes and let himself pretend. He imagined it was Jon, imagined he was allowed to do this with him, imagined cumming so fast and so hard with him, imagined Jon clenching around him, pulsing as he came, and Damian came again with a cry he did his best to muffle against his comforter.
Trembling, he lay there, heart beating fast, his entire body feeling like jelly, cock finally softening inside the toy. He gave it a minute and then pulled out, letting out a quiet cry at the intensity of pulling free. Putting the toy aside, he shifted and pulled off a sock, carefully mopping up the mess he'd made on the bed and then balling up the sock. He used the other one to clean himself, shivering at how sensitive he was before getting up and tossing his socks toward his laundry bin. Gently tucking himself back into his underwear, he fastened up his jeans and went to grab his toy, making his way into his bathroom and giving it a quick rinse, carefully tucking the toy into the second drawer and folding a hand towel over it.
Going back to his bed, he put all the items back into the bag and opened his nightstand, pushing the bag into it and closing his little secret away. With any luck this would curb his rising desires with Jon, leave him able to handle the things Jon wanted while directing them away from the ones he wasn't legally allowed to traverse. He flopped back on his bed and closed his eyes, letting his nerves sing with the pleasure of his actions.
Maybe he'd been right to brave such a nerve-wracking thing and to have asked Dick to help him. After all, Dick had always been his judgement free zone and always would be.