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atlantean sex ed for dummies

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There’s a moment of horrible silence, and then Kid Flash falls off his chair.

“Wait, what?” Robin asks, practically choking on his soda. Superboy frowns, and demonstrates with a hand gesture that Robin would pay every dime of Batman’s money to erase from his head.

“Does your penis do anything like that?” he repeats.

“Wh—no. God no,” Robin says, grinning in horror.

“Are you seriously asking us about our—you know he’s like thirteen, right, you are asking a thirteen year-old about his junk!” Kid Flash sputters, scrambling to his feet and fixing Superboy with an accusing look. Superboy looks annoyed.

“That’s thirteen years older than me,” he says.

“That does not make this conversation okay!” Kid Flash protests, throwing both arms up into the air. “That actually makes this conversation worse, how did you think that would not make it worse?!”

“I just want to know if there’s something wrong with my reproductive organs!” Superboy snaps angrily.

“Oh my God stop talking,” Kid Flash groans, immediately covering his ears, and Superboy glares at him.

“Fine, I’ll go ask Artemis or Black Canary!” he fumes, turning on his heel and stalking for the door. Robin laughs in gleeful horror, and Kid Flash dashes after him and blocks the doorway.

“No no nononono, heck no,” he says, bug-eyed with panic. “Just, seriously, no I am not even going there, the only worse idea than that would be asking M’gann.”

“Asking Batman would be worse,” Robin decides. Kid Flash pauses, pictures it, and then cringes in pain.

“Please let’s never go there,” he says. “Why don’t you ask Kaldur? Kaldur’s good with . . . you-questions.” Superboy balks slightly, and then his face turns red. Robin and Kid Flash both stare at him.

“It’s embarrassing,” he mutters. The other two keep staring.

“Wait, it’s not embarrassing to ask us if you’ve got a weird cock, but it’s embarrassing to ask him?” Kid Flash demands. “Dude, how does that work?”

“He already thinks I don’t know enough to do anything!” Superboy snaps defensively, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Do any—” Robin starts, and drops off mid-sentence. “Oh. Ohhhhh.”

“You guys are fucking?!” Wally shrieks, traumatized, then immediately claps his hands over his mouth with a horrified expression, like that’ll retroactively keep his voice down.

“We’re not!” Superboy yells back at him, and then scowls and grits his teeth in frustration. “That’s the problem, he thinks I can’t do it because I’m . . . my ‘age’. So we’re waiting. So I can’t ask him because then he’ll know I don’t know, and if he knows that he’ll make me wait even longer.”

“That is so not aster,” Robin says, then giggles slightly hysterically into his hands. “Oh man. You’re totally dating Aqualad.”

“I don’t think Atlanteans date,” Superboy says, frustration fading into embarrassment for a moment. “He keeps calling it courting.” Robin’s giggle turns very hysterical, and Kid Flash hides his face.

“This is the worst conversation we’ve ever had,” he declares, then shoots Superboy an accusing look. “Okay, fine, your cock. It’s acting weird. Weird how?”

“It isn’t like Kaldur’s,” Superboy says, looking troubled. Kid Flash curses his entire existence, hiding his face again so he can find the strength to continue the conversation.

“Not like Kaldur’s how?” he asks, voice heroically not cracking from the trauma.

“Mine doesn’t move,” Superboy says, and Kid Flash and Robin both wince.

“You can’t get hard?” Robin asks. “Ouch, dude.”

“What?” Superboy balks a little, then scowls again. “No, it just gets hard.”

“. . . and that’s a bad thing?” Kid Flash attempts, sharing a bemused look with Robin. Both of them are wondering what they’re missing on this one.

“I don’t know!” Superboy says in exasperation. “The G-gnomes didn’t explain this part!”

“Okay, let’s try this again,” Robin says, rubbing at his temples in concentration. “You’re dating Kaldur. You’re not sexing Kaldur, but the dating—”

“Courting,” Superboy supplies.

“—the courting,” Robin corrects himself, and giggles incredulously. “The courting got to like third base, then? And you saw his cock. But yours doesn’t look like his.” Superboy nods, and Robin giggles again, burying his face in his hands.

“If this is just a circumcision thing I am going to be so angry,” Kid Flash mutters vindictively. “Or so relieved. I actually can’t decide, that’s how bad this conversation is.”

“It’s not a circumcision thing,” Superboy retorts testily, folding his arms again and glaring at him.

“You know what circumcision is but you don’t know if your cock’s weird?” Kid Flash demands. “How does that even work?!”

“Please don’t answer that. I don’t want to know,” Robin groans, dropping his head onto the table. “I don’t even want to think about it.”

“The G-gnomes—” Superboy starts, and the other two immediately groan and cover their ears again.

“Ahhhh, oh my God, Supey, the last thing either of our developing sexualities needs to deal with is thinking about you getting sex ed from the freaking G-gnomes!” Kid Flash wails, and Robin looks like he’s considering hiding under his cape.

“Not whelmed. So not whelmed. Not even minutely whelmed, why didn’t we just let Black Canary handle this again?” he groans.

“Because he’d tell her he asked us first?” Kid Flash retorts, eyeing him pointedly.

“Okay so the cock thing, let’s get back to that,” Robin says quickly. “What was different, exactly?”

“When we were showering together after—” Superboy starts, and the other two immediately cringe; he scowls at them. “What?”

“Go on,” Robin manages, still cringing. Superboy’s scowl darkens.

“ When we were showering together after the last mission,” Superboy bites off, and Robin and Kid Flash sigh in relief. “He looked nice, so I kissed him, and he kissed back and it was . . . nice,” he murmurs, a distracted note slipping into his voice, and the other two cringe again. “He doesn’t usually let me kiss him when he’s—”

“COCK!” Kid Flash yells, throwing his arms up in the air. “Focus on the cock, please!”

“Oh man, dude, you seriously just said that,” Robin says, laughing with that hysterical edge again.

“Shut up, you think I’m not having enough problems with that fact?!” Kid Flash hisses back at him shrilly, and Robin just keeps laughing in disbelief, curling up in his seat.

“Oh man,” he says. “Just—okay, what was cock-weird? Like, yours was weird or his was weird?”

“How would I know?” Superboy asks, giving him a strange look.

“. . . seriously, they explained circumcision and they didn’t explain the actual penis?” Kid Flash gives him an incredulous look, and Superboy scowls at him.

“I did get pulled out of the pod in the middle of my education,” he points out testily.

“But it’s your penis!” Kid Flash protests.

“Could we please focus before someone walks in on this conversation?” Robin asks wearily, covering his face with his hands. “Weird. Cock-weird. What was different?”

“He hugged me,” Superboy says.

“Dude, I know you grew up in a test tube but people you’re date-courting are going to hug you,” Kid Flash says dubiously, just eyeing him.

“I know that. I just didn’t know they did it with their reproductive organs,” Superboy says, frowning.

“. . . right,” Kid Flash says, glancing heavenwards. “Okay, the mere fact you call that hugging? That means Kaldur’s right and you are so too young for it. Go back to first base, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars, and definitely do not lose your virginity.”

“I’m not too young!” Superboy snaps, bristling angrily. “I wouldn’t want to if I were too young!”

“No, actually, that’s a pretty common problem with teenagers,” Robin says wryly, rubbing at the back of his neck. “I think that’s basically the number one problem with teenagers. You do not even want to know how long a ‘bats and the bees’ speech I got before Batman let me come back to Mount Justice after M’gann joined up.”

“And you’re not even really a teenager!” Kid Flash adds indignantly. “Seriously, you’re three months out of the vat and in that much of a hurry to pop your cherry? Some of us are literally fifteen!”

“Those are some pretty whelming moves,” Robin says, grudgingly impressed. “Can’t say I know many guys who get a boyfriend and to third base before they’re six months old. Not that I know many guys with boyfriends, either . . .”

Do we know any guys with boyfriends?” Kid Flash asks doubtfully.

“At least two, apparently.”

“This isn’t helping,” Superboy says sourly.

“Supey. You just called frotting hugging, there is no help for you,” Kid Flash says matter-of-factly.

“‘Frotting’?” Superboy repeats uncertainly.

“Yes. Frotting. That thing with your dicks, the rubbing and grinding thing?” Kid Flash says, raising his eyebrows at the other and gesturing graphically to make his point. Robin covers his face.

“What is with the horrifying hand gestures today?” he asks.

“It wasn’t grinding,” Superboy grumbles, hunching his shoulders. “It was just hugging.”

“Hugging with your cocks, riiiight,” Kid Flash snorts as he rolls his eyes, and Superboy’s face falls.

“So mine is weird,” he mutters.

“Wait, that’s weird?” Robin asks, frowning. “How’s that weird?”

“Mine doesn’t . . . ‘frot’,” Superboy says, frowning too as he tries out the word.

“Maybe it’s a Kryptonian thing?” Kid Flash suggests awkwardly, and all three of them pause. “. . . um. Please don’t ask Superman about that. Please.”

“How does it not frot?” Robin asks, giving the other a bemused look and then giving Kid Flash a slightly hysterically amused one. “Dude, is there something I don’t know about frotting? You just rub together, right?”

“The rubbing part was fine, it was the hugging I couldn’t do,” Superboy says, shaking his head.

“. . . you can’t hug,” Kid Flash repeats, slowly.

“Just with my arms,” Superboy replies, frowning again.

“. . . what else do you hug with,” Kid Flash manages, voice heroically not cracking. Superboy’s expression turns confused.

“Your penis?” he replies, puzzled.

“Um,” Robin says.

“Um,” Kid Flash says. Superboy’s frown deepens, and the other two share horrified grins.

“Dolphins,” Robin says. “They have prehensile—”

“He has gills, man!”

“Well he also has fingers and toes—”

“He’s cold-blooded!”

“Um.”

“Is something wrong?” Superboy asks doubtfully, and Kid Flash and Robin both cringe and give each other the horrified grins again, then look back to him.

“No?” Kid Flash tries.

“Yeah, no, we’re so not traumatized at all, everything is cool,” Robin agrees quickly.

“You’re lying,” Superboy says, eyeing them suspiciously.

“Well, yes, but on the positive side, your cock’s not weird!” Robin points out helpfully. “And you can go frot up Kaldur!”

“And more importantly, no one has to ask Superman for the bats and the bees talk,” Kid Flash puts in empathically. “Because that right there is seriously the most important part of this, how do you even start telling a guy his clone is gay for his field leader? His field leader who has a prehensile penis? I mean, is there any more awkward conversation than that?”

“The one where you ask him what he thinks about the theory that homosexuality is genetic?” Robin suggests.

“. . . you know what, let’s just forget we ever had this conversation.”

“Yeah, we can do that.”