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Harry Potter and the Muggle bomb

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“Okay everyone.” Lockhart smiled serenely at the class, “get your books out!”

The heavy thud of books hitting desks filled the room, and Lockhart winced. “Be careful children! Do not damage your books! That’s my picture on the front!”

Across the aisle from Harry, Draco groaned and slumped forwards in his seat, almost falling over the edge of the desk. “Goyle - get my stupid book out my bag.”

“Goyle will not accept your orders!” Goyle’s unusually deep voice vibrated throughout the classroom.

Malfoy spluttered. “Goyle? I thought we were friends!”

“Not if you insult the beautiful sexy Lockhart!”

Draco rolled his eyes and pouted. “But I’m the sexy one!” He whined.

“But Lockhart doesn’t wear a diaper - he’s daddy af.” Goyle practically drooled.

Draco shuddered at the thought. Doesn’t wear a diaper?! He’d show Lockhart. But for now-

Malfoy slammed his book on the desk and earned a horrified squeak from the beaming Lockhart on the cover. Standing in the middle of the classroom, Lockhart gasped, but then straightened his unrealistically blonde wig and smiled toothily.

“Now children, turn to page 394.”

Almost a soon as those words had left his mouth, there was a commotion in the corridor, and Snape burst into the room. The professor’s usually pristine black cloak was torn, and his long greasy hair looked windswept.

“What are you doinnggg?” Snape wheezed. “That’s my line!”

“W-whatever do you mean?” Lockhart sweated nervously.

“Cut the bullshit Locky, it’s my line!”

“What- w- that’s absurd!” Two spots of colour rose to Lockhart’s tanned face.

“W- you’re doing it again!” Snape cried, outraged. “You’re absurd!”

“What! No- you’re absurd!” Lockhart shouted back, his face purpling.

“No! You’re absurd!!” Snape yelled.

“Guys, guys, please!” Harry groaned, his head in his hands.

“I wanna learn about werewolves!” Hermione screamed, her hand raised.

Ron rolled his eyes. “Oh my god Hermin, shut uppp.”

Draco was looking around interestedly. “Hey Crabbe, did you know, my father-“

 “Okay you know what-“ Ron stood up, approaching the two teachers who were now nose-to-nose and red faced.

“Snape, I love you but can you just shut the fuck up.”

“No Ronaldddd,” Snape drawled, still eyeing Lockhart, “I can’t I-“

“Want a Redvine?” 

“Ooohh!” Snape smiled. “I’d love one, 10 points from Gryffindor.”

“What-“ Ron sighed, “whatever.”

“Thanks Hermin.” He said dejectedly as he walked back to his seat.

Hermione opened her mouth to protest but then Harry said, “yeah. Thanks,” sarcastically.

“Righty then!” Lockhart began, returning to the front of the class, “its time for us to learn all about-“

“I can’t wait to go to Pigfarts.” Draco sighed dreamily, gazing at the wall. “It’s on Mars.” He murmured. 

“I can draw a picture of it for you if you want.” He said to Crabbe.

“Really, uh, it’s okay-“

“I’m going to draw one!” Draco said determinedly, and began to draw with large crayons.

Hermione looked over at the crayons enviously, muttered to herself, then buried her head in her book.

Opposite her, Cho Chang sighed contentedly. “Ah, Lockhart’s so dreamy y’all.” 

Next to her, Cedric frowned. “I don’t find that to be very appropriate.”

“Aw Cedric are you jealous?”

“Not at all!” Cedric blushed. “It’s just that myself and Locky shared a rather hot steamy make out sesh yesterday.” He gazed lovingly at Lockhart.

“Oh my god y’all, hey Lavender, did you hear that?!” Cho poked the girl in front of her who promptly starting crying.

The bell sounded, and Lockhart beamed at them. “Alright everyone! Lesson over! It’s about time you had some fun outside!”

Draco slid out of his chair and onto the floor. “I WANT TO GO TO PIGFARTS!!!”

Harry stepped over Malfoy.

“Wow, Lockhart’s so fit isn’t he?” 

“Yeah,” Ron replied, “but no way near as fit as Snape.”

“Well, I think-“ Hermione began, but Ron elbowed her out of the way. “Go hang out with the fat lady, Hermionally.”

“That’s not my name, it’s-“

“Don’t know, don’t care.”

Ron munched on a redvine, and he and Harry headed over to the Great Hall with Hermione hurrying behind them. 

They were still discussing Lockhart over lunch, joined by Ginny, Luna and Neville.

“Come on Harry, repeat the pledge again!” Neville begged. 

“With pleasure!” 

Together, with Hermione trying to join in, Ron and Harry chanted: “Lockhart, Lockhart has my heart, Lockhart, Lockhart is so smart, Lockhart, Lockhart, good at art, Lockhart-“

“He’s not as good at art as me!” Draco interjected, walking up to the table.

Ron snorted. “Pfffttttt he’s way better than you, Malfoy!”

Draco gasped, horrified, and then climbed onto the table.

“Malfoy, uh, what are you doing?” Harry asked, rolling his eyes.

“Oooh Harry!” Ginny giggled, “do you roll your eyes during sex, cos-“

“Oh my god little sister shut up!” Ron yelled, and Ginny whimpered.

“Oooh Draco that looks like fun, can I join you?” Luna asked curiously.

Draco looked her up and down. “Do you wear a diaper?”

“Of course.” Luna smiled zanily.

“Huh alright then.” 

Luna climbed onto the table and rolled around with Draco, laughing.

Harry stared at them and then looked away. “We don’t know them.”

“Hey guys,” Ron frowned, “What’s that mysterious ticking noise?”

“Uh what noise dude?” Harry was beginning to think everyone had gone completely mad in two minutes.

“Don’t worry,” Luna said absentmindedly, sitting up on the table, “I hear it too.”

Ron didn’t look reassured, but then McGonagall walked briskly into the Great Hall, clearly agitated.

“Everyone!” She called, and waited until all eyes were on her. “EVACUATE THE BUILDING!”

Albus Dumbledore sauntered in behind her. “Oh come on Minerva, it’s just a-“

“MUGGLE BOMB!” McGonagall practically screamed. “IT COULD KILL PEOPLE!”

“Oh honestly it’ll be fine we’ll just-“

“No we won’t!” The witch retorted. “Potter!” She waved her wand at him, “out! Take your friends with you too!”

“Draco isn’t my-“ Harry began to say, but was interrupted by a sneering voice:

“What the devilll is going onnn hereeee?” Snape drawled, his cloak billowing behind him.

“EVACUATE!” McGonagall screamed at him.

There was an awkward silence.

“I’m a teacher, Minerva.”

“Ah. Yes.” She said, rather flustered. “I see. Well kindly escort Malfoy out with you.”

“Of courseee.” Snape hissed in reply, brandishing what looked curiously like a hook at Malfoy.

“Why does Snape have a hook where is hand should be?” Hermione whispered.

Ginny elbowed her. “Shut uppp Herwin.”

“Potter!” McGonagall turned her attention back on the children. “How many times?? You could be killed!”

“What?” Harry muttered lazily. “They can’t kill me, I’m Harry freakin’ Potter!”

Distantly, Harry thought he heard Draco’s voice yelling; “Having second thoughts about Pigfarts, Potter?!!” But then, he shook his head. Hopefully Snape finished him off with his hook.

“Potter!” McGonagall’s voice got his attention again. “Out with Miss Chang!” The professor pointed at Cho Chang standing next to her. Cho waved, and smirked at Harry.

“Oh sure!” He grinned enthusiastically, “I’m coming right away!”

McGonagall rolled her eyes and followed them all out of the Great Hall, nervously glancing around.

“So,” Cho was saying, “did y’all hear that we’re gonna be camping in the Forbidden Forest because of this bomb?”

“Oh my gosh!” Ginny squealed, “isn’t it haunted?!”

Ron groaned, “coward sister!”

“Well actually,” Hermione began, matter-of-factly, “they say it’s haunted by the infamous Hogwarts Jaguar-“

Harry rolled his eyes. “Oh come on, let’s just hurry up already.”

Soon, different coloured tents came into view, arranged in houses. 

“Well Ravenclaw’s over here,” Cho pointed, “so I guess I’ll be going y’all!”

“Bye Cho!” Harry gazed after her, and then headed with Hermione, Ron and Ginny to the red and gold Gryffindor tents, only to have a horrible shock when he reached them.

“Hello, I’m Firenze.” A man who seemed half-pony and half-human greeted them.

“What the actual flying snitch’s fuck?!” Harry eyed the Centaur suspiciously.

“Have any of you kids seen an abnormally muscly woman in pink?”

“You mean Umbridge?” Hermione frowned. “Why would you want to look for her?!”

Firenze smiled knowingly and said, “let’s say we have unfinished bedroom business.”

Ron gagged and barged past the Centaur to the nearest tent.