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Fat Thor Deserves Better

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In the aftermath of Thanos’ arrival on Earth, and subsequent defeat, the world’s focus was back on the Avengers. They were heralded as heroes for bringing back the missing loved ones who had been snapped out of existence a long five years ago. There were difficult questions that came up: what of those who had remarried in the years since their spouses disappeared? What did it mean for people whose prison sentences had run out while they had been effectively dead?

The only thing with an absolute answer, it seemed, was that Avengers action figures were back in demand beyond what anyone had ever seen. Iron Man, Captain America, the Hulk – all were popular with children everywhere. Far above them though were the sale of Thor action figures. Not just any Thor, though. Fat Thor.

“I just don’t understand it,” the sales executives said. “It was just meant to be a joke run. Why is Fat Thor selling so well?”

“Because,” said every other person on Earth, “This is the first time we’ve seen a hero who really looked like a person. Look at him! A powerful god from another world, and a fat man too! What more could we want from a role model than someone who makes us feel like we could stand up and fight and be incredible just like we are? He is a constant beacon of hope for those of us who’ve been told over and over that we are not worthy because of our size.”

Somewhere, far away in the vastness of space, Thor dropped down from the pullup bar he was using, a tear in his eye. He looked in the mirror, down at his rounded belly, and smiled. Hope. He could be proud of that legacy, no matter what the other Avengers wanted to say.

Also, screw salads.