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2014

 

jimins biggest weakness is his need for validation from others and society. he strives of comments, blossoms under praise and criticism sends him into an anxious, self deprecating mess.

 

he changed to fit in, changes to make sure he doesnt get praise for himself as a person but for what he presents. no one really knows the real park jimin they just know a young kid desperate to fit in and get acknowledged in any way. no matter if its the real him or not.

 

back then they as a group arent as close. not yet at least. they fight, they misunderstand each other, they are young and insecure. it's not easy growing up with 6 other boys in a tiny space. it takes years, endless bonding moments and endless fights, to finally become as close and loving as they are now.

 

teenage years are full of personal growth, full of realizations, heartbreak, happiness, recklessness. it's a mess of emotions and feelings and quite frankly jimin hates it but he has to go through it.

 

they aren't as close as they will be in the future but they are close enough and currently jimin's only friends. he wished sometimes that they were closer. that he could ask his members for reassurance or praise. that he was comfortable enough to go up to them and comfort them if they seem sad. jimins hands itch to touch them and be affectionate. but it's a mixture of contradicting emotions. he's never sure if he's really allowed. if he's annoying. if he's too much.

 

at the end he does nothing. hes loud, he works out to much, he wears clothes he doesn't quite feel comfortable with (but all the cool guys are wearing it so it should be fine, right?).

 

it's a facade. a face he doesn't love or particularly likes.

 

###

 

jimin likes makeup. he always watches their stylist pick out brushes, he asks what they are doing and why. but he doesn't like the sharp, dark looks on him. sometimes he sees other colours intermingled with the darker news, gold, pink, blue. he wonders how he might look with them. wonders if he would look pretty.

 

his thoughts make him feel uneasy, make him feel weird. he feels ashamed even though he doesn't want to.

 

growing up in social conservative society like korea makes it hard. men aren't supposed to like makeup. aren't supposed to be dancers. aren't supposed to wear pink. because are you a real man if you do that? voices from his ex classmates and his family echo in his head and it's tearing jimin down.

 

you want to become a dancer? isn't that… weird for a boy?

 

why are you wearing makeup?

 

bts is already getting criticized heavily for wearing too much makeup. already have people look down on them. jimin knows namjoon is constantly questioning his identity. struggling with coming to terms with who he is. it's painful to watch sometimes. their kind leader nitpicking at himself, tearing himself down.

 

so jimin ignores the thoughts of makeup, pretty, dresses, pink in his head and focuses on who he's supposed to be.



2015

 

its jungkook surprisingly who changes jimin. or at least pushed him over the edge.

 

they are closer now. their hardships together bringing them closer to each other. jimin trust his members more and more each day, feels like they know parts him no one else does. he cuddles often with hobi and taehyung. sometimes jungkook joins but he's still a bit shy.

 

their youngest is one of the most interesting people jimin knows and it's fascinating to watch him grow up. how he first starts off as this very shy boy who wouldn't even sing in front of them to a boy that would giggle alongside, give his opinion and trusted them to keep his heart safe.

 

jimin knows it's not easy growing up in the idol world. not with the constant pressure, criticism, toxic mindset. he himself feels it a bit to much. he hopes jungkook will become a kind person and not break under the pressure. jimin knows jin tries to take good care of their youngest, jimin is sometimes envious of their bond. jimin wished he could protect jungkook from the horrors of the world. make sure he has a happy childhood without toxic influence.

 

he wished he was closer to jungkook.

 

it's late at night when jimin comes home from the practice room. he's too restless and anxious to not work out. he knows its not healthy but he has to do it. has to do something. he criticizes himself and his appearance often. to often. is never happy with himself. he works out in the hope that he'll feel better. he never does.

 

the apartment is dark when jimin enters. all lights are out and doors closed. except for the light of a phone illuminating the profile of one of his members. its jungkook.

 

he looks absorbed in whatever he's watching, screen bright in the darkness of the room, he has his hoodie pulled up over his head and he's snuggled into the couch.

 

“ggukie?” jimin asks quietly. jungkook doesn't hear him, not with his earphones in. jimin walks up to the couch and sits down. thankfully, he already showered at their dance studio knowing that their shower at home was to loud and would wake his members up. jungkook likes to be clean and likes fresh scents. its enduring, the little ticks of their youngest, so jimin is grateful he isn't sweaty and disgusting.

 

jungkook's eyes are big in surprise when he notices jimin's presence. he looks up not having expected another soul so late at night. their youngest takes out his headphones and looks at jimin, “hyung… hi.” jungkook greets. a small smile plays on his lips.

 

“what are you doing?” jimin's asks curiously.

 

“i couldn't sleep,” jungkook answers, “and i didnt want to wake up the others so i went out to watch some videos.” jungkook is kind. he always watches out for his hyung, always is considerate and nice. jimin truly is lucky to be surrounded by these genuinely kind people.

 

jimin feels nervous for some reason. the atmosphere is weird so late at night, only him and jungkook. they are comforted and protected in darkness and it feels like it's just the two of them. jimin feels a bit vulnerable right now.

 

“do you want to come under the blanket?” jungkook asks gently. he sounds confident but jimin can hear the nervous lisps in jungkook's tone. jimin nods not trusting his voice to be stable.

 

“do you…” jimin starts while making himself comfortable next to jungkook. he can feel jungkook's bare legs against his. he has smooth, soft skin. he wants to touch jungkook softly, feel his warmth and weight against his. he doesn't. “do you want to watch something together?” jimin asks.

 

jungkook smiles and jimin feels likes he's never been this emotionally close to the younger. sure they live together and work together and jimin truly cares about the younger. but they arent that close. jungkook being to shy and bad at expressing himself and jimin to scared of opening up.

 

“we can watch whatever you were watching!” jimin quickly says, “i would like to know what interests you.”

 

“i don't think,” jungkook begins and jimin can hear how scared and unsure he is. his heart hurts hearing jungkook's vulnerability. take him into your arms, his mind screams at him. once again he doesn't. he's not sure if he's allowed to. “i don't think it would interest you, hyung.” jungkook ends.

 

“i… i don't care. i just want to get to know you better.” jimin starts, “i won't judge jungkookie.” this conversation felt like a trainwreck. “we don't spend much time together right?” jimin laughs buts its humorless.

 

“no, i guess not.” jungkook agress and looks down at his phone. jimin says fuck it. fuck all the social barriers in his head. all his stupid thoughts. he takes jungkooks hands into his. he might be a bit jealous that jungkook has bigger hands despite being younger but he pushes that thought aside. he has to stop criticizing himself right now. jungkook looks at him with wide eyes and jimin silently begs that jungkook also takes a step into his direction.

 

please dont push me away. please please please.

 

jungkook lets out a breath and smiles, “i can show you what i was watching.” jimin's heart soars in relife. a huge grin breaks out all over his face and he scoots closer to jungkook. he really loves physical contact, glad that he’s close enough to taehyung and hobi to constantly cuddle with them. but he also wants to cuddle with his other members. wants to poke namjoons dimple, wants to hug jins wide body, wants to squish yoongi's cheeks and poke his nose, wants to hold jungkook close to his chest.

 

jungkook turns on his phone and jimin can see that jungkook had been on youtube. jungkook's hands are shaking and jimin wonders why he is this nervous. what jungkook could possibly be this afraid about.

 

“its.. yeah i mean..” jungkook stutters, “its… just... say if you don't like it…” jungkook gives jimin the other earphone and then plays the video.

 

it's definitely not what jimin expected. it's a tutorial, a makeup tutorial. a pretty man has a collection of different brushes, highlighters and mascara spread out in front of him and explains the use of each item. he tries out different things, experiments with colours. jimin completely forgets jungkook is next to him to observed in the video. the guy is pretty . he has soft skin, blonde hair and glossy lips. his makeup is bright and brings out his beautiful brown eyes.

 

he looks so pretty .

 

jimin wished he would look like that.

 

jungkook next to him clears his throat, “its weird isn't it?” jungkook says. jimin whipps his head around and looks at jungkook whos is staring at the video. “its weird for a guy to wear makeup right?”

 

jimin's heart beats painfully in his chest. there is something off about jungkook. as if he doesn't believe what he saying. as if he wants someone, jimin , to contradict him and reassure that it is okay. jimins hands are sweaty and he feels all wrong . he's not sure what he's supposed to do, how he should reply. does jungkook want jimin to contradict him? but what if jungkook actually means it? what if he really thinks its weird for boys to wear makeup and if jimin says he doesn't find it weird would jungkook laugh at him?

 

(jimin doesn't think jungkook would ever be that cruel but he's still scared.)

 

“i-” jimin begins.

 

jungkook turns of the phone, “i don't know why j was watching this. it's stupid.” jungkook quickly gets up, leaving jimin behind on the sofa with a twisted heart and cold, jungkook less whole.

 

###

 

jimin can't get his night with jungkook out of his head. he constantly thinks of makeup, constantly thinks of jungkook's face, constantly thinks of what happened.

 

both of them pretend like it didn't happen. it hurts jimin the indifference and silence but he respects jungkook's decision to not talk about it.   

 

(and if jimin looks up the guy from the video and continues watching every single one of his videos, no one has to know.)

 

###

 

namjoon brings out his mixtape in march. jimin's heart aches when he hears the lyrics. wants to run to their leader and hold him tight. wants to reassure him in some way. but namjoon is a private person and jimin wouldn't even know what to say.

 

it also feels like namjoon changed a lot. as a person. like something shifted inside of him after the mixtape. all of them notice.

 

jimin and jin prepare dinner for all of them and jimin can't help but ask jin, “do you think namjoon changed?”

 

jin looks at him curiously, “yeah. i don't know how to explain it. he put his heart into that mixtape and struggled a lot. but i'm not sure how this change will manifests itself.” jin explains. jimin looks up to his oldest hyung. jin is a bit of an enigma to them all. he's shy and reserved. but also loud and playful. he hides a lot of his pain and insecurities but never fails to be there for all of them. jin is caring person and jimin is glad that their oldest hyung does not abuse his power of being the oldest. jimin feels safe with jin. always has.

 

jimin hums when he hears jins answer not sure how to reply to that. jimin sits down at the table with a knife and the vegetables he's supposed to cut. jin stands at the counter in front of their stove humming slightly. he's beautiful jimin can't help but think. jin has wide shoulders and a wide chest. he's tall and handsome.

 

and he wears pink.

 

he always has and he never feels ashamed about it.

 

jimin thinks his hyung looks pretty in pink. confident, kind and still manly. jimin doesn't know why he's this obsessed with being manly but he is.

 

“hyung,” jimin calls out. hes nervous. like always.

 

“yeah?” jin asks a bit absent minded.

 

jimin can feel his heart stutter. say it. just say it. he won't laugh. he would never laugh. “you look pretty in pink.” jimin mutters out.

 

jin stills and then turns towards jimin. jimins cheeks feel warm. really warm. jin smiles shyly. he seems flustered. “thank you jimin-ah.”

 

“do you…” jimin begins, “aren't you scared people will judge you and see you as less of a man?”

 

jin looks at him with wide eyes, emotions jimin can't quite decipher running over his face. jimin instantly feels bad asking; it's rude and a bit offensive and jimin just-

 

jin is calm when he sits down in front of jimin. his gaze is searching, piercing through jimin's soul and jimin feels so bare, so vulnerable, “no jimin-ah, i don't. i like pink and i think i look good in it. i don't care if others believe im less manly because of it.” jin takes jimin's hand into his, “do you think i'm less manly?”

 

jimin instantly shakes his head, “no hyung never!”

 

jin has a knowing look on his face and jimin doesn't know what it means, “don't think too much of what others think jiminie. you are you and you should stay you. if you think you are male then you are, no matter how you dress and look like.” it's comforting hearing those words. jimins heart flutters a bit and something in him changes upon those words. some invisible barriere lifts. its silent between the two of them until jin stands up to continue cooking their dinner.

 

jimin has one last question though, “hyung do you think i would look…” pretty? cute? “ good with pink clothes?”

 

“i'm not sure jimin-ah.” seokjin answers honestly, “you would have to try it out. i have some pink shirts you can take.”

 

it's so casual, so… normal. jin doesn't laugh at him, doesn't make fun of him, does not make it into a big deal, just silently supports and encourages him. jimins heart soars and he feels a bit warmer, a bit brighter. he smiles while cutting all the vegetables.

 

and no one says a word when he wears a light pink shirt the next day at dance practice.

 

###

 

the most beautiful moment in life.

 

their new album is a change. a big change in many ways; musically, concept wise, performance wise, appearance wise. jimin loves the change. they all portray themselves as softer, a bit more like they actually are. a bit more honest. a bit more them. jimin feels better than before.

 

namjoon and yoongi had discussed it with their managers and producers and then with them. namjoon was the most vocal asking them if they could change directions. it worked well for them. they all seem a bit happier, a bit more carefree and open. it fits them more. they also reach a larger audience with their music. its nice. jimin feels...he feels happy. or happier then before.

 

one day namjoon walks up to jimin. he has a book in his hands and jimin looks at him curiously. “hello namjoonie-hyung.” namjoon smiles. he changed a lot jimin notices. namjoon educated himself on a lot of social topics, he reads academical texts, criticizes their behaviours sometimes, he wears different clothes. he became more open with his feelings, lets his members look into his soul. he also seems happier.

 

namjoon holds out the book towards jimin, “here.”

 

jimin looks at it confused, “what is it?” he takes the book into his hands.

 

“i finished it quite quickly.” namjoon begins, “uhm it's about society and the pressure boys face, i think.. i think you should read ig.” and with that namjoon walks away leaving behind a confused jimin.

 

###

 

jimin likes spending time with yoongi. yoongi usually works on his music while jimin sits in the corner and does his own thing. its comfortable, no one talks but jimin feels comforted knowing someone is here if he needs it.

 

he doesn't like being alone.

 

yoongi was working on their next album while jimin reads the book namjoon gave him. it's...good. it talks about toxic masculinity and the pressure men put themselves under. it talks about how society only accepts certain parts of men and if they show weakness or are to soft often get categorized as something different. it also teaches jimin a lot about misogyny and the struggles woman face. theoretically, it's everything he kinda already knew but seeing it like that black on white, written out in front of him makes it more real.

 

jimin reads the whole book in two days.

 

###

 

taehyung is probably, no certainly his best friend. he loves taehyung, his heart always beats painfully fast when he spends time with his soulmate.

 

he doesn't think to closely about what it could mean.

 

taehyung is tired. hes cuddled up around jimin, a leg thrown over jimin's thighs and his head buried in his chest. taehyung smells good and jimin feels calm in taehyung's hold. but he's not tired so he doesn't fall asleep just lays there and enjoys the short moment of quite. he can tell taehyung is still awake despite wanting to sleep.

 

“taehyungie?” jimin asks softly. taehyung hums his breath ghosting over jimin's skin causing goosebumps to rise.

 

“do you think i could wear make up?” jimin's voice trembles he can hear it himself.

 

“what do you mean?” taehyung asks, “we wear make up all the time.”

 

“i mean like… make up in our free time.and maybe… colourful things… lipgloss.” jimin thinks back at his conversation with jungkook months ago. did jungkook feel like this that night? was he this afraid? anxious for validation and comfort? jimin feels terribly guilty, he wishes he could turn back time, isher he would have run after jungkook, reassured him better.

 

taehyung looks up at him, his gaze is searching but not penetrating, “yeah i think it's fine. if you want you should wear it.” taehyung says. he touches jimin's plumb lips, “i think your lips would look pretty with lipgloss.” taehyung whispers. his finger is rough and warm against jimins lips. it feels strangely intimate and hot . so so hot. jimin feels like butterflies and ants crawl over his whole skin. he stares back at taehyung, stares at his best friends lips.., right in front of him. he wants to surge up, wants to kiss them, kiss taehyung breathless.

 

taehyung drops his fingers from jimins lips and it feels like the spell is broken, “i used to dress up often.” taehyung tells.

 

“really?” jimin's voice is shaky. he has no idea what just happened.

 

“i used to take my mothers dresses and makeup. i liked how the dresses looked on me, you know? i felt pretty. i also like lipstick. i think it's cool.” taehyung says it so normally . as if it's the most normal thing in the world and jimin once again wonders why this is so goddamn hard for him.

 

“you should do it again.” jimin encourages seeing taehyung happy face at the memories.

 

taehyung giggles, “yeah maybe i should. who knows.” and with that they leave the conversation behind.

 

###

 

jimin buys makeup online. he buys lipgloss, mascara, blush, eyeshadow etc. while buying it he cant stop thinking about jungkook. can't stop thinking about that one night.

 

his packet comes a couple of days later. he hides it at first, only wants to unpack it when he's alone.

 

a couple weeks later all the members are gone. all except him and jungkook. it feels to perfect, as if the universe is sending him a sign. jimin contemplates what to do for good half an hour. he paces in the living room, internally debating if he should. if he should ask jungkook.

 

eventually he makes his way to their kitchen where jungkook was sitting at the table. hes sketching in his little notebook. jimin gazes at him for awhile. jungkook is extremely talented in many areas and jimin is sure jungkook will just grow and prosper into a beautiful man. sometimes jimin feels honoured knowing someone as jungkook, someone so passionate, loving and talented.

 

“hey jungkookie.” jimin greets the younger. jungkook looks up from his sketch and greets jimin back.

 

jimins knows this is it. this is when he’ll ask jungkook, “i have a question jungkookie.” jimin mutters out. he hopes he isnt showing how nervous he is. but then he reminded himself that it's okay to show vulnerability and emotions. it's okay.

 

jungkook hums and diverts his whole attention towards jimin. jungkook has pretty eyes jimin thinks; long, delicate eyelashes and big doe eyes that hold the wonders of the galaxy in them. he's pretty. jungkook is so pretty.

 

“i was wondering if you want…” jimin takes one last breath, “if you want to do makeup together.” he's aware that he speaks fast but the words come stumbling out and jimin can't help himself. jungkook's eyes go wide when he processes the questions.

 

“makeup?” jungkook asks again, “you want to do makeup?” jungkook points towards himself, “with me?”

 

jimin nodes, “yeah. only if you want to though.” he's fidgeting. drags his foot behind the other, doesn't dare look jungkook in the eyes. he's scared.

 

jungkook stands up with a nervous smile, “yeah, i think i would like that very much.”

 

“oh okay. cool.” jimin nods but can't stop the bright smile that spreads around his whole face.

 

it's a bit awkward at the beginning. they haven't broken the tense atmosphere yet both of them to scared that the other might judge them. jimin leads them to their bathroom where he already put out his stuff. jungkook's eyes go wide at all the different things but he smiles. jimin is surprised when he sees jungkook getting out his own makeup bag. its small but jungkook holds the bag carefully in his hand. as if it's one of his most precious belongings.

 

“can i put this on?” jungkook asks jimin. he points towards a gold eyeshadow palette. jimin nods nervously. but jungkook's smile is so bright, so full of happiness that jimin feels like he really has nothing to fear.

 

jungkooks touch is soft. he's gentle when he applies the eyeshadow onto jimin's eye leads, speaks in a soft voice, explains what he's doing and he's fully concentrated on the task. jimin feels safe under jungkook's gentle touch. it doesn't take the younger long to finish and he seems satisfied with the result.

 

“hyung... you look so pretty.” jungkook marbles. his smile is so bright, so so bright. jimin flushes under the compliment. warmth spreads through his whole body. pretty. he's pretty.

 

“am i?” jungkook nodds. jimin then giggles and turns towards jungkook.

 

“ggukie let me do you.” jungkook asks jimin to make his lashes long, give him rosy cheeks and pink lipgloss so his lips shine. jimin is still a bit awkward at applying makeup but jungkook doesn't seem to mind, they talk about everything and nothing. they just have fun and discover something new about themselves together.

 

once jimin finishes he lets jungkook look at himself in the mirror. he smiles widely and thanks jimin, “thank you hyung. i love it.”

 

jimin smiles brightly, “you also look pretty jungkook.” jimin didn't think it was possible but jungkook's smiles turns even bigger.



2016

 

jimin and jungkook continue their make up sessions. it happens more and more frequently and they experiment more. sometimes they laugh if they messed something up, sometimes they just sit in the bathroom for ages just talking together. jimin finally feels like he has a deep emotional bond with jungkook that no one can take away. they share secrets and dreams, makeup routines and workout routines. they giggle and laugh, sometimes they cry and hold each other.

 

jimin feels comfortable.

 

###

 

one day jin takes jimin, taehyung, yoongi and jungkook shopping. it's supposed to be a fun trip they don't necessarily need anything just want to spend their free day together.

 

jimin doesn't know how it happens but they go from pants and shirts to dresses. its taehyung who does it. he comes to their changing rooms with some more pants and a dress. it's a white one, wide, breezy. it's pretty. jimin looks at him. looks how confident taehyung looks. he's beautiful in the dress.

 

jin encourages taehyung to try on some more and runs back go the clothes section to grab some dresses. yoongi doesn't stop complimenting taehyung and reassuring him that he looks good. taehyung doesn't stop smiling and beaming. happiness looks so good on it.

 

taehyung tries out many dresses, many colours. sometimes he pairs them with pants, sometimes changes them to make it look like one piece, taehyungs is creative. hes beautiful.

 

jimin knows he's being abnormally quiet. he can feel how everyone eyes him a bit but no one wants to disturb him. eventually jungkook tries on a skirt. he laughs at the feeling of his free legs and hugs taehyung. they have fun together, putting on a show who can come up with the most creative outfits.

 

it's fun. really fun.

 

jimin just wishes he could be part of it because he wants to.

 

at one point yoongi grabs his hand and walks him out of the changing rooms they had occupied, “minie.” his voice is calm, collected, “do you want to try one on too?”

 

jimin nods. he does. he really does. he doesn't know if he likes dresses that much. he likes wearing pants. but he wants something different, wants something colourful, something soft. yoongi without another word takes him into the next section. jimin sees a soft yellow sweater and takes it, then he stands in front of the skirt section. he remembers how happy jungkook and tae were. he grabs a skirt too just because but then also takes some necklaces, rings and jewellery.

 

after trying out the outfit he picked he checks himself out in the mirror, he likes how he looks, likes his dangly earrings, loves his sweater and thinks he looks cute with the skirt but it doesn't stick with him. he doesn't feel as comfortable with it like he feels with make up and jewellery. does not feel as comfortable as taehyung and jungkook.

 

but he smiles because he tried it out. he smiles because he tried and made a new experience.

 

he's learning.

 

when they walk out of the store jimin's gaze gets stuck on the lingerie section. he looks at the pretty black lace panties, looks at all the patterns and wonders if the fabric is as soft as it looks.

 

this time no sense of dread fills him, he isn't scared of judgment or other people (well maybe a bit). he just isn't ready yet. but he will be one day. it's going to be okay.

 

###

 

one day taehyung kisses him.

 

it doesn't surprise jimin as much as it should.

 

they are watching an anime together, the two weebs that they are. taehyung is holding the phone and jimin clings to him. jimin is totally absorbed in the episode and doesn't notice taehyung's sharp gaze on him.

 

“remember when i said you would look pretty with lipgloss?” taehyung says out of nowhere. jimin who was focused on the series has to shake himself first to understand what taehyung was talking about.

 

“yeah?” jimin asks.

 

taehyung smiles, “you do. i'm glad you're more comfortable now.”

 

“oh.” jimin replies. he's glad to, glad that he grew as a person.

 

“jimin.” taehyung starts again after a while. jimin hums still too focused on the fighting scene on the phone, “i really want to kiss you.” taehyung says.

 

jimin stills completely. suddenly nothing on taehyung's phone seems interesting anymore not when taehyung just asked that . jimin looks at taehyung he has a smile on but jimin can tell that taehyung is nervous, extremely so.

 

“kiss me?” jimin has to be sure he understood correctly. taehyung's gaze flickers towards his lips and then quickly back up again. there is tension between the two of them. they are so close. so so close and it wouldn't take a lot for jimin to just move down and plant a kiss on taehyung's lips. he wonders if taehyung would moan, if he would giggle and laugh, if he would smile or stay serious.

 

god he loves kim taehyung. always has.

 

“yeah…” taehyung confirms again. jimin doesn't debate it for long, doesn't think of the possible consequences. he loves taehyung. loves this beautiful human being in so many ways. he knows everything about taehyung and taehyung about him, they shared so much. a kiss could never destroy that only bring them closer together. so ji min leans over taehyung and kisses him.

 

taehyung's breath quickens up, jimin cups his cheek hoping to ground him a bit, taehyung slings an arm around jimin's midsection and pulls him closer towards himself. jimin deepens the kiss, kisses taehyung like taehyung deserves to be kissed. taehyung makes tiny noises and jimin beams. taehyung is so cute, so so cute and jimin giggles. he giggles into the kiss, can feel their wet lips against each other, their chests falling and rising together.

 

it feels so right. like it's always supposed to have been like that. taehyung's eyes are wide and full of wonder.

 

“jiminie…” taehyung pouts, “kiss me more.” jimin giggles and then surges down again. he kisses taehyung in so many different ways, tries everything out, wants to get to know taehyung. wants to learn what he likes and what he dislikes.

 

everyday more and more pieces fall together.

 

###

 

unfortunately nothing stays perfect.

 

its hoseok that tells him. they moved apartments last months and theoretically they could all sleep separately but jimin asked hoseok to stay his roommate. he doesn't want to be alone, loves hobis company, loves crawling over to hobis bed and cuddling him.

 

hobi always complains how bad of a roommate jimin is but jimin knows hobi loves him just as much.

 

it's late at night, hobi reading a book in his bed while jimin scrolls through social media. hobi puts down his book and stares at jimin until jimin looks up with a questioning gaze.

 

“i saw namjoon and jungkook.” hoseok says. jimin raises his eyebrows.

 

“so?”

 

“they were kissing.” hoseok continues. it takes a second for the words to register and when they do jimin can't help but feel cold and… heartbroken. his chest hurt painfully and he dives his fingernails painfully into the soft skin of his arm. he doesn't know why he's feeling that way but…

 

he thinks about jungkook. thinks about his pretty lips and sweet smile, thinks about their times spent together. then he thinks about namjoon. his kind touches, his fond smiles, thinks of namjoons body and his plumb lips.

 

he thinks about himself and how he wants to kiss them. both of them.

 

it takes him a second to notice that he jealous.

 

not necessary jealous of jungkook and namjoon perse. just jealous that he isn't kissing them too, that he isn't allowed to kiss jungkooks glossy lips and namjoons dimples.

 

what the fuck?

 

but it also doesn't surprise him, he loves his members, loves all of the with his whole body and heart. can never imagine a life without them. so really it's not that weird.

 

is it selfish of him? wanting more. wanting everything? he already has taehyung. and now here he is wanting more. wanting more kisses and more loving touches. his heart hurts. he wants to be reassured that the others love him as much as he loves them.

 

hoseok stares at him. analyzes his expression.

 

“i kissed yoongi and jin.” hoseok announces.

 

jimin stares at hoseok. he doesn't know what to say, doesn't know what this means. what this means for him and the band.

 

“i just wanted you to know.” then he goes to sleep leaving jimin with too much to think about it.



2017

 

it's a turbulent year. it's the year they break through as international artist and manage to become global superstars. its weird. jimin sometimes feels detached from it all and in these times he's never been more grateful for his members. grateful they are there every step, grateful that they support each other.

 

it's also the year where everything kinda fits together.

 

one day while he and namjoon compose serendipity together, namjoon looks at him a bit to long. jimin feels hot. but he also feels needy. he wants namjoon. wants to feel his lips, wants to touch him. he just doesn't know if he's allowed to.

 

he knows taehyung won't mind. he knows taehyung sometimes goes over to hobi hyung and gets kisses from him. knows taehyung loves them all with his whole heart. he just doesn't know how namjoon and jungkook have things figured out.

 

“you are staring.” namjoon says.

 

“i want to kiss you,” jimin replies. he is not as shy and insecure anymore as he used to be. comfortable asking his members for what he wants and needs.

 

namjoons gaze is strong, “why don't you then?”

 

“jungkook?” jimin asks.

 

namjoons breaks out in a soft smile when hearing their youngest names, “jungkook kisses jin to, kisses me and hobi hyung. and yoongi. haven't you noticed jiminie?”

 

jimin shakes his head. he hasnt. “why hasn't he kissed me.” jimin pouts. he wants to climb into namjoons lap. so he does. namjoons has warm and thick thighs which in jimin's opinion is perfect for a seat. he's being bratty he knows that but he doesn't care.

 

namjoon holds his waist and gently strokes the exposed skin over jimin's pants.

 

“believe me when i tell you jungkook would love to kiss you, he's just shy.” namjoon responds and pulls jimin closer.

 

jimin stares into namjoons eyes with a smirk. it's fun. this is fun. “he's been driving me crazy. he's so pretty joonie and everytime i put on his lipstick i feel like i'm dying. his lips are so soft and he's so pretty .” jimin notices when he think about jungkook he tends to say pretty every 5 words. he thinks its just fair to call jungkook that all the time.

 

“and you,” jimin starts again, “you too, you have no idea how badly i want to be held by you. how badly i want you to kiss me.” jimin says while hitting namjoon on the chest playfully.

 

“well what are you waiting for.” namjoon replies. jimin doesn't wait long. moves down to capture namjoon's lips with his.

 

in that week he kisses everyone of his members. including jungkook who gets all shy but sighs into every touch. jimin falls in love with each of his members even more.

 

2018

 

he wants to wear lingerie.

 

he looks at instagram, sees all the different kinds, sees the cute lace panties, sees how pretty the models look and he desperately wants it. desperately wants to wear them.

 

he just wants to feel pretty. just wants to be comfortable in his own skin.

 

he's still afraid though.

 

###

 

he mentions it to jungkook once, they are doing makeup again today since they are all going out together in the evening.

 

“jungkookie, do you like lingerie?” jimin asks. he's nervous but its not as bad as it was three years ago when he asked jungkook about makeup the first time. he knows jungkook loves him and would never judge.

 

“uhm i'm not sure?” jungkook answers truthfully, “i like wearing skirts sometimes but i never felt a connection to lingerie. why are you asking?”

 

jimin shrugs, “just because.”

 

###

 

hoseok catches him one night browsing through pictures of male lingerie models. jimin was frustrated. there are good too zero asian males that model for lingerie. he's frustrated… he just wants someone he can identify himself with.

 

he wonders if he would look good? would they be comfortable? would he look pretty?

 

he doesn't notice hoseok coming into their room. doesn't notice how hoseok catches what he's looking at on his computer. doesn't notice hoseok sad but fond smile.

 

###

 

he forgets the whole lingerie thing. he doesn't have time for it. they have a world tour coming up and he can't do anything about his fantasies until he's back in korea. so he forgets about it. sometimes he sees lingerie advertisement on social media. there is a deep ache in him but he pushes it away.

 

later later later

 

he's in amsterdam during his birthday. celebrating his birthday while doing the thing he loves most is honestly the most liberating thing in the world. all his lovers are there for him, celebrating with him and luckily jungkook feels better than he did in london.

 

after the concert and after jimin made his vlive they all meet together in his room. he appreciates the fact that they all sit together to celebrate a bit. he knows how exhausted all his lovers might be from the concert so it means a lot seeing all of them so late at night.

 

they shares some cake and champagne while sitting on the floor. jungkook is cuddled up against jin while yoongi and hoseok whisper to each other. jimin sits between namjoon and taehyung. they talk a bit but it does not go into deeper topics. they don't have the mental capacity for that right now. the energy is loving, comfortable. gentle touches here and there, gentle, loving voices.

 

at one point jin stands up, “jiminie we have a present for you.”

 

“you didn't have to.” jimin tries to intervene.

 

yoongi's hand comes down onto his, “its okay jimin-ah, we wanted to.”

 

jin comes back with a small wrapped packet. he looks nervous, in fact all of his members do. its sets jimin off again.

 

jin hands the packet over, “we hope it's okay jiminie. and please be honest if we overstepped a boundary. we just noticed a couple of things and hoped to make you happy.”

 

jimin chuckles nervously not sure how to identify jins voice. he gently unpacks the present ignoring all the others eyes on him. its nicely packed and jimin wonders who wrapped it so carefully.

 

his breath catches in his throat when he sees what's inside. he can feel his skin heat up and he's sure that hes blushing but he's also deeply touched and can feel his eyes start watering. its a set of black lace panties. the underwear is not over the top, not to dramatic or suggestive but normal, delicate and just pretty . it doesn't feel sexual getting this gift, he knows his members just care how he feels and that he likes what he’s wearing.

 

fuck he loves them so much. so, so much. his heart hurt. it painfully hurts how much he loves his members.

 

jimin touches the fabric with trembling hands. the fabric is soft and delicate. it must feel so soft against his skin.

 

“jiminie your crying.” taehyung whistlers and wipes away a tear. jimin laughs wetly.

 

“you mean so much to me seriously.” jimin cries out and throws himself at the nearest person. its jin. instantly arms wrap around him and he gets a kiss on his forehead, “jimin we love you and we know you. we saw you struggling and thinking about this for a long time and hoped to give you some confidence. this is for you and you only.” jin explains.

 

“thank you. oh god thank you” jimin presses his head into jins chest.

 

yoongis voice is soft, “it was jungkooks idea.”

 

jimin looks up at jungkook whos rubbing his neck shyly, there is a bunny smile on his face and jimin's so goddamn grateful. jungkook has always inspired him, has always been there beside him. he hopes that he had been there for jungkook to.

 

“jungkookie.” jimin whispers and cups their yougest face with his trembling hands. jimin presses kisses all over jungkooks face. his cheek, his lips, nose, eyeleads, forehead, “you precious human. how can i ever thank you.”

 

jungkook looks up, “you've done so much for me hyung. you have no idea how much it means to me when you asked me to do makeup together. i can never repay you.”

 

jimin smiles fondly at his jungkookie. and then looks at all the others. he's really grateful for having them. so grateful and he's going to precious everyday with them.

 

“i love you. every single one of you.”

 

###

 

jimin grew up a lot since bangtans debut. went through many hardships. he can't even recognize his old self sometimes. he's just grateful to have had such supportive people around him. he's grateful for having grown into the man he is today. and he hopes he continues to grow.

 

he loves wearing lingerie. loves wearing panties, finds them nice to dance in. he feels confident in them, finds himself more attractive.

 

he loves standing in front of the mirror and trying on different kinds, likes feeling pretty, likes wearing jewellery, likes trying out new things. sometimes the new things stick, sometimes they don't.

 

sometimes he tries out new things with jungkook, sometimes with taehyung. one time hobi joined them, another time yoongi.

 

but the most important aspect is that he finds himself pretty and he starts showing it. he wears his new underwear when they have tv appearance fully knowing that someone might one day notice that he isn't wearing boxers, he puts on heavier make up, wears pink eyeshadow, he doesn't conceal his lips anymore, flashes his tattoo. they even decide to wear lipstick in their latest music video.

 

he's park jimin and he doesn't care about what other think anymore. he cares about how he feels about himself.

 

and everytime he sees the proud gazes of the others something flutters inside him. he can truly say that he's happy.