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The Lost Victory

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It had been a night of celebrations, a night of reflections, and a night of hard-fought victories.  When Jin and Namjoon had finally made it back to their hotel after the 2018 MAMA Awards, they had tumbled into Namjoon’s bed and expended the last of their energy in each other’s arms.

 

At first Jin was content with ignoring the persistent knocking that had disturbed his sleep.  He was well back on his way to dreamland when Namjoon pulled away from him and sat up on the edge of the bed.  “Ignore it,” Jin told the leader as he buried his head in a pillow.

 

“It’s Tae.”

 

Jin had no doubt that it was Taehyung at the door knocking, questioning Namjoon on how he knew such things…was not necessary, because Namjoon just knew.  “He was really upset tonight,” Jin stated, remembering the tears the younger man had shed.

 

“I know,” Namjoon replied as he flipped on a light, got off the bed, and searched for some clothes in his bags.  “Just a minute,” Namjoon called out to Taehyung, who was at the door. 

 

A tired Jin debated on whether he should get up.  Taehyung knew they were together, and the younger man would not be surprised to find him in Namjoon’s bed.  Jin reluctantly sat up when his modesty made him ask, “Can you throw me something to wear?”

 

After Namjoon finished putting on his clothes, he tossed a pair of pajamas at Jin, waited for him to finish putting them on, and then went and opened the door.

 

A very distraught Taehyung hurried into the room, and immediately engulfed Namjoon in an embrace. “I am supposed to be your unicorn but I’m not.  I’m a wholfyena.”

 

“A what?”  Namjoon asked, at a loss, as he reached back and shut the door.

 

Taehyung clung to the leader tightly, still sobbing as he explained, “It is a terrible beast…I think…my magic is slipping away, so I can’t remember exactly…but it’s bad.  It’s really bad…like me.  I am really bad…I’m so bad.”

 

“No, you’re not,” Namjoon told the younger man, unbothered by the strange things the younger man was telling him.

 

Jin, who was five seconds away from asking if Taehyung was on drugs, kept his mouth clamped shut.

 

“I am not even worthy of knowing you.”

 

Namjoon patted the other man on the back attempting to soothe him.  “You are being ridiculous.”

 

“No, I’m not,” Taehyung insisted.  “I feel like I ruin everything lately.  Jungkook…Jungkook he’s my friend…and he doesn’t know.  He doesn’t know that I don’t deserve his friendship.”

 

Namjoon pulled away from the younger man and studied him closely.  “I think you need to sleep.  I think you need to sleep a lot.”

 

“I don’t want to be this way,” Taehyung proclaimed, looking pleadingly at the leader.  “I don’t want to be such a bad friend…not to him…not to anyone.  I want to go back to how I was before.”

 

Jin, who was still on the bed, couldn’t stop himself from asking, “So, does this mean you are going to stop screwing Jimin behind Jungkook’s back?”

 

Taehyung turned to look at Jin with wide, tearful eyes, but he didn’t respond. 

 

A minute passed without a word being uttered when Jin just shook his head and got up from the bed. “I didn’t think so.  I’m going back to my room to sleep.  I don’t have any patience for all these meaningless theatrics.”

 

“Jin,” Namjoon called out softly. 

 

“No, you can stay here and coddle him, but I can’t stomach it,” Jin, who was already at the door that linked his room with Namjoon’s, told the leader.  “I am going to go before I say something I can’t take back.”

 

Taehyung cried out, “I can’t stop!  I’ve tried but I can’t.”

 

“That is a lie.  The truth is that you can stop, but you don’t want to,” Jin said firmly, correcting the younger man before leaving Namjoon’s room and shutting the door behind him.

 

                                          ************************

 

Jin leaned his back against the shut door and tried to calm his racing mind.  There were so many things he wanted to say.  He hated that his anger wasn’t going away…he could control it most of the time, but it never completely left him.  Namjoon was the picture of calm, perfect understanding with Taehyung and Jimin…but all Jin wanted to do was yell at them.  

 

Because no matter how many excuses they had…in the end they were wrong, and that was the point Jin couldn’t get past. 

 

His room had two adjoining doors…one led to Namjoon’s room and another led to another member’s room.   Jin wanted to rant with someone, but he also wanted to avoid Jimin.   There was only a one and five chance that the other door connected him to Jimin’s room. 

 

He debated if it was worth the risk.  He hoped the room belonged to Hoseok, who would be great to rant with.   Yoongi would listen to him, but he was too much like Namjoon…always putting the group first.  If it happened to be Jungkook’s room then that would be fine, because he’d just say he was hungry and Jungkook would happily join him for a late-night meal.   If it was Taehyung’s empty room, it would be a sign for him to just go back to bed.

 

Daringly he walked to the other door and knocked.

 

The door quickly swung open.

 

Jin couldn’t hide his disappointment as he came face to face with Jimin. 

 

“I…I thought this room was Hoseok’s…sorry for bothering you,” Jin sputtered as he attempted to shut the door.

 

Jimin pressed his foot against the door stopping it from closing.  “Why were you looking for Hoseok?”

 

“I just wanted to talk with him.”

 

“You can talk with me,” Jimin informed his hyung as he entered the room and went to sit down on the bed.  Jimin was dressed in jeans and a blue t-shirt but he looked disheveled like he had dressed in a hurry. 

 

Jin gawked at Jimin and searched his mind for the right words.  Jimin’s eyes were red like he had been crying, and even though Jin had wanted to shout at the other man before he had knocked on the door…now he couldn’t.  Jimin reeked of brokenness, and it would be like kicking a puppy.

 

“Is it about Namjoon?” 

 

“Namjoon…?”

 

Jimin yawned, nodded his head, and explained, “You know…your unrequited love for him.”

 

“Oh,” Jin stated, attempting to hide his surprise that Taehyung had not told Jimin about him and Namjoon.  Jin was shocked…he didn’t know they kept secrets from each other.

 

“Does wearing those pajamas make you feel closer to him?”  Jimin asked sadly as he pointed to the mentioned items of clothing.  “I can understand.”

 

Jin looked down and noticed that he was wearing Koya pajamas for the first time.  “Yes, I suppose it does.”

 

“I know I used…to be more supportive of you,” Jimin added.  “Namjoon always talks about how handsome you are, and the way he looks at you…that is so real.  I really think he cares more than he knows.  I still want to help you, but…”

 

“But what?” 

 

“You just…I didn’t think you really wanted to talk to me lately,” Jimin admitted as he looked down at his lap.  “I know you are angry with me.”

 

“Have I acted angry?”

 

“No,” Jimin replied.  “But I sometimes think it would be better…if you acted angry.  I feel like…the last time I really talked to you…the real you was on the phone that night.”

 

Jin rubbed the back of his neck.  “I think you should go back to your room.”

 

“Why?  Are you afraid you won’t be able to act nice around me…that you will tell me what you really think?”

 

“Just go back to your room. I am sorry for bothering you…I was just hoping I could talk to Hoseok.”

 

“But not me.”

 

Jin closed his eyes.  “I don’t know what to say to you.”

 

“Because of what I am doing to Kookie?”

 

“Yes,” Jin admitted and he cursed himself for suddenly feeling tearful.  He felt like a hypocrite.  He gave Taehyung such a hard time and all he wanted to do was cry for Jimin. “Just go Jimin.”

 

“No,” Jimin told the older man.  “I don’t want to go back to that empty room…because I am too tempted.”

 

Jin opened his eyes and questioned, “Tempted?  Tempted to do what?”

 

Jimin rubbed his red eyes but didn’t cry.  “I was with Tae earlier, and Jungkook disturbed us.  The door was locked, so he didn’t see anything…he didn’t know Tae was with me.  I couldn’t even open the door.  He was pleading with me to let him in…and I couldn’t do anything but send him away.”

 

“Oh,” Jin responded and sat down on the bed beside Jimin, imagining the scene.   

 

“He was so hurt…and we couldn’t do anything.  He wouldn’t leave at first…he kept begging me to open the door.  I just wanted to scream…it was so terrible, but finally he left.  It wasn’t long…before he started calling Tae and leaving him messages.   I tried to get Tae to respond to him, but he wouldn’t.  Jungkook needed him…he needed a friend to talk to.  I told Tae, but he just shook his head and said we aren’t Jungkook’s friends…and then he just left me alone.”

 

Jin clenched his teeth together and kept himself from agreeing with Taehyung…because he was right.  They weren’t Jungkook’s friends…not anymore.

 

“But we are his friends,” Jimin insisted as if he could hear Jin’s thoughts.  “I broke up with Jungkook…before I started…things with Tae.  It doesn’t mean we aren’t his friends.  Just because I have sex with Tae…doesn’t mean I don’t love Jungkook, because I do.  I love him.  I hate that he is hurting.  I want to…like I said I am tempted.”

 

Jin studied Jimin carefully.  “What are you tempted to do?”

 

“To go to Jungkook…I want to go to him.  I want to make him feel better.  I want to comfort him.  I want to be with him, but I can’t be with him…can I?”

 

“No,” Jin stated resolutely.  “You know we will tell him the truth about you and Taehyung if you resume your relationship with Jungkook…you can’t have both of them.”

 

“But I need them both,” Jimin pleaded, not tearful but desperate.  “I need them for different reasons…I have always needed them for different reasons.  I love them both…but for different reasons.”

 

“But don’t you see you had them both…”  Jin paused and then asked the question that has been driving him mad, “Why did you start having sex with Taehyung? You know how jealous Jungkook is of you. You had to know it couldn’t end well…that he would never be okay with it.” 

 

Jimin stared back down at his lap and replied as honestly as he was capable of, “Tae gives me something that Jungkook doesn’t…but no…that isn’t right.  Jungkook gives me too much….and with Tae it is different.  With Tae…it’s not real…it is like a dream…a nice dream.”

 

“So, Jungkook…isn’t as skilled as Tae?”  Jin asked, while shuddering…hating himself for asking such a question.

 

“No, that isn’t what I am talking about!” Jimin quickly replied.  “Jungkook loves me too much.  It’s all too much!  Sometimes it is good to just be…sometimes feelings are not a good thing.”

 

“You know when I was younger before I joined the group…I had girlfriends,” Jin told Jimin, trying to reach the disillusioned younger man.  “I thought that was what boys should do.  I was handsome and girls were always trying to get with me, so I let them.  I even had sex…but it was never good.  It was okay, but as was never good. I always thought it was because I didn’t love them.  I always imagined love would make everything better.”

 

“I doubt it had anything to do with you not loving the girls, but more to do with you loving cock.”

 

“Gawd, Jimin!” Jin declared as he got up from the bed.  “You are so crude.  Some people enjoy being in love.”

 

“And some people don’t.”

 

“And you don’t?” 

 

Jimin shrugged and struggled to find the right words.  “No and yes…maybe I just regret how much I love Jungkook…maybe we both love each other too much.”

 

Jin’s gaze hardened, growing more irritated at Jimin’s claims of love when his actions spoke of anything but love.  “You think you love Jungkook too much?”

 

“Yes…way too much.”

 

“I think you should go now,” Jin stated as he walked back to the door that led to Jimin’s room, holding back what he really wanted to say.  “We are both tired, so we should sleep.  I will be checking on Jungkook, so you better stay away from him, or we will tell him everything.”

 

Jimin, who knew he was being dismissed, proclaimed, “I’m not a bad person…I am not.  If I could have them both without hurting anyone…that would be so great.”

 

“That is never going to happen,” Jin responded as he held open the door.  “You might talk Taehyung into it someday, but Jungkook loves you too much. He’d never agree to sharing you with anyone, not even Tae.”

 

Jimin’s face lit up and smiled at Jin.  “So, you do understand?”

 

“Understand what?”

 

“That Jungkook loves me too much,” Jimin stated as he headed to his room.  “It just isn’t good to love someone so much.”

 

“No, you are wrong,” Jin told Jimin, and then shut the door before the younger man could inquire why. 

 

Jin leaned his head against the door and whispered, “Loving someone isn’t wrong, but betraying that love…is so very wrong.”

 

“You did good,” Namjoon stated from behind Jin, having overheard the two men talking.  “I know you probably wanted to say that to him…and a lot more.”

 

“I did,” Jin replied as he felt Namjoon’s hands on the back of his shoulders massaging him.  “How much did you overhear?”

 

“Enough,” Namjoon replied.  “It’s messed up and I know Jungkook needs to be told.  I just can’t bring myself to be the one to tell him.”

 

Jin closed his eyes and enjoyed the massage.  “I understand…not wanting to be the one to bring such unhappiness into his life…they should tell him.”

 

“Tae…might if given enough time,” Namjoon told the older man. “Let’s go back to bed.”

 

“Is Tae still in your room?”  Jin asked as the other man took his hand and led him toward the bed.

 

“Yeah, he’s knocked out.”

 

“Jimin is so screwed up,” Jin declared as he got under the covers.  “I mean…wow, the things he says…the things he thinks.”

 

“Hopefully he will be better in the spring,” Namjoon stated wistfully as he snuggled close to Jin. 

 

Jin didn’t say anything, because he thought it would take more than a change of seasons to fix what was wrong with Jimin, but he would spare Namjoon his concerns for now.  They might have won the big award of the night, but they were far from victorious.