Work Header

a pair of misunderstandings

Work Text:

Two fat tits landed on the windowsill.


“Lan Zhan! Look!” Wei Ying had never seen such fat tits in his life before. He pointed them out to his jailer.

“Aren’t they perfectly round and squishy.” He wanted to poke at them.  

“Wei Wuxian, no.”


Jiang Cheng had suspected there was something going on between Wei Wuxian and the second young master of Lan.

He noticed how Wei Wuxian always teased the Second Master Lan like how he usually did back in the Lotus Piers with the girls. And rather than detesting the idea of detention he also seem excited.. Third, he always praised the beauty of Lan Wangji to the exasperation of Jiang Chen.

He wondered if something happened in the Library. He was just investigating to make sure his brother was not making a fool of himself, dammit! And not to bring down the reputation of Yunmeng Jiang sect down any further. It’s not absolutely because he was getting worried that his brother was getting seduced in the library without his knowing. Yes, that’s what he tells himself. So he dragged Nie Huaisang - the other culprit for why his brother was undergoing this punishment, the other being Wei Wuxian himself for accepting - to accompany him. What they heard were a bunch of stuffs that made his face red and the other guest disciple busily fanning himself.


“Lan Zhan! Look!”

“Aren’t they perfectly round and squishy.”

“Wei Wuxian, no.”


Jiang Cheng and Nie Huaisang looked at each other. What were perfectly round and squishy? They listened on.


“Have you ever seen a pair of tits this perfectly round and squishy, Lan Zhan?”



Jiang Cheng’s mouth gaped open and Nie Huaisang’s fan stopped. Where they looking at picture books?! And how was Wei Wuxian not yet kicked already or shouted at?

At first, the two boys outside thought the ones inside were just reading picture books, as absurd as it was to them to think of Lan Wangji ever caught reading one, much less with Wei Wuxian of all people. But the following lines made them more suspicious:

“Let me touch them.”


“How come they’ve never gotten this close before.”

“Your noise keeps them away.”

“Haha! Shy things aren’t they?”

“Maybe they’ve grown used to me by now.”


“You didn’t let me touch them last time, even when I wanted to."

And the way they were talking it was as if they had done it for some time.

As if it was a regular occurence

And now…

They were even touching women in the Library Pavillion?!

Jiang Cheng’s mind short-circuited. Nie Huaisang fanned himself, feeling suddenly hot.

Jiang Cheng had dragged him to confirm what’s been going on between the two inside, and he had his suspicions when young master Wei kept teasing Lan Wangji but to think they were already at the point in their relationship that they were now sharing women! And at the Library Pavillion of all places! Scandalous! But it also brought in new ideas for Nie Huaisang’s picture books. He fanned himself, intrigued; his ears perked up to capture every bit of their dialogue.

If his attention towards gossips and dramas were put to his studies he’d been able to get straight As! But then that would mean missing the drama unveiling right now. Nie Huaisang knew his priorities.

Would a picture book about a young cultivator woman being mishandled by two handsome and talented cultivators sell? One a mischievous troublemaker and playboy and the other a prestigious prim and proper young master. Of course! Of course! Why did he even need to ask. It would sell! Young master Wei and Lan Wangji were like fire and ice. The combination would be fantastic.

Not for the first time Nie Huaisang have never regretted in choosing the both of them as models for his picture books. Half the girls in cultivator classes, segregated from ever seeing their male classmates and can only see the male teachers, were responsible for a good chunk of his monthly allowance.

However, his happy thoughts of his prospected profits did not show on his face. He hid it behind a panicked and worried face.

If his face were to show what he’d been really thinking all this time Jiang Cheng would no doubt punch his face.

As of Jiang Cheng’s face right now, after the initial disbelief, the expression was quickly being replaced by rage.

“I can’t believe that - fucker - now Lan Qiren is going to kill us! For tainting his favorite pupil!”

It’s even worse than Jiang Cheng had thought!

“Maybe Wei-Xiong hasn’t corrupted Lan Wangji yet,” reasoned Nie Huaisang although his inner thoughts was actually ‘Yes, go ahead Wei-xiong! Go corrupt that younger fuddy-duddy! For the interest of my readers.’


“Do they sing for you often here Lan Wangji.”

“I bet they do.”

“They seem to like you enough, to keep seeing you here.”

“They are really cute aren’t they?”Wei Wuxian crooned.

Whoever they were must they must be quite the lookers if Wei Wuxian kept complimenting their appearances.

“Hnn,“ agreed Lan Wangji.

Jiang Cheng and Nie Huaisang’s mouth were wide open.

Did Lan Wangji just compliment a woman?

Did Wei Wuxian just succeeded in getting Lan Wangji to be attracted to girls.

‘To attempt the impossible!’ was certainly their sect’s family motto.

“What are you guys doing? Aren’t young master Wei and my brother there?” a voice asked.

They turned around and stilled. It was Lan Xichen!



Lan Xichen saw the two figures standing outside the Library Pavillion. He knew Wei Wuxian was serving his punishment right now with Wangji. What has gotten the two guest disciples curious enough to stand outside the room? He frowned. Eavesdropping was forbidden in the Cloud Recesses and although he was more gracious of the rules than the rest of his clan he was still a Lan. More importantly, he was worried about Wangji. He was about to tell them nicely to leave when he heard words filter out from the library.



“They’re so silent though. They definitely take after you Lan Zhan.”

“I can’t imagine you with someone so noisy after all.”

“You want me to catch them for you Lan Zhan?”

“Do not touch them.”

“But they are so soft.”

“Really, don’t you want to touch them.”

“You will scare them away.”

“Here feel it with me.”

“Hmmm...these tits are really soft.”


Lan Xichen was scandalized upon hearing the words sprouting out of his brother’s and Wei-gongzi’s mouth. His mind was conjuring up images unhelpfully in his mind to accompany their dialogue, with a taciturn and red-faced Wangji trying to keep Wei Wuxian’s hands off the...tits. Oh dear. If their uncle ever heard a word about this...

As if summoned whenever Wei Wuxian is up to no good, Lan Qiren appeared.

“Xichen, Jiang Wanyin, Nie Huaisang, what are you all doing here? Eavesdropping is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses!”



When Lan Qiren gave that punishment to Wei Wuxian he was confident his nephew would be able to handle him. Lan Wangji was his pride and joy, a fellow upholder and stickler of the rules like him.  

But given the troublemaker’s track record even he had his doubts. Having known of the boy’s mother, he shuddered thinking of the hard times she gave him.  

So he had decided to check up on them when he saw his nephew and the heirs of Yunmeng Jiang and Qinghe Nie were waiting outside the Library Pavilion.

Somehow he knew Wei Wuxian was up to no good again.

Just what has the troublemaker gotten into again this time? And with his nephew!?



“They’re kind of fat too. Have you been keeping and feeding them here second master Lan?

“Your uncle would not approve if he knew."

The people outside looked at the uncle.

“Don’t touch.”

“Can I touch them? Pleaaase. I promise to be good! I’ve never touched live tits before!”

Jiang Cheng would have snorted if he were alone, but right now his was red and about to turn the famous violet of the Yunmengjiang sect uniform. For all his flirtiness with girls, Wei Wuxian was still...inexperienced. He better be, with Madame Yu watching for any inappropriate behavior.


“They feel soft don’t they?”



The people outside gasped. Did it mean that Wei Wuxian had succeeded in getting Lan Wangji to be interested in women, much less touching them?


“Do they come here often Lan Zhan?”

“It seems they like you enough to keep coming here.”


Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren were horrified. Wangji has been keeping girls in the Library Pavillion? Blasphemy! And why hasn’t he corrected Wei Wuxian in his crude language to refer to the girls? They were disappointed in Wangji.

And the girls have been coming here for Wangji? No. Lan Qiren refused to belief it was his nephew’s idea! It’s that troublemaker’s fault for corrupting his nephew!

Lan Xichen’s thoughts were different from his uncle. ‘Wei-gongzi would not have been able to sneak any women into the Cloud Recesses. The jade token given to each guest disciple were good for only one entry. It was only a few of the Lan Clans who have the privilege of bringing in guests with their own token. So if any woman were to be able to sneak into the Library Pavillion then they would have to have been smuggled in by Wangji.

Oh Wangji, what a time to be curious. You’ve grown up so quickly, even more than your elder brother anticipated. But I’d have wished you would have gone through courtship at least first.

And not use these women as an excuse to get closer to your crush. Lan Xichen paled.

He knew his brother had a crush on Wei Wuxian, and the guest disciple liked pretty women, but to think Wangji resorted to playing with women’s feelings and bodies to get closer to his crush.

He was disappointed in the both of them. He vowed to give a lecture to his brother tonight on this misconduct.

Maybe… Wei-gongzi has really been a bad influence on my brother..

Doesn’t this mean Wei-gongzi and Wangji are straight now? Or are these women their beards? Aaahh why can’t they just confess already and save this unfortunate elder brother and uncle from this dilemma.


“Don’t touch them.”

“So I can only admire them from afar?”


“They really seem to like you too.”



Wangji sounded..pleased? Xichen thought but he had only Wangji’s voice to go by. If only he could see his face. His brother reading skills was only working partially

Without seeing Wangji’s expressions, Xichen only had the tone of his voice to go by to read his brother.

There was annoyance, but also fondness?

Aah to think his brother would indulge in Wei Wuxian’s fondness for pretty women and Whatever went wrong?

But something did not sit right with Lan Xichen -actually, a lot of things did -  and it’s not because he rather have more faith in his brother. So he continued to listen and was ready to step in if the activities insides were getting more...physical.

He hoped it wouldn’t reach that point. It was his disbelief and shock which had prevented him from barging in earlier.


“Lan Zhan! You really know how to handle them!”

Everyone outside the door gasped.

“They just listen to you but they never listen to me.” They could hear the pout in the voice.  

“Teach me your ways Lan er-gege~” Lan Xichen blushed at the implication. It wasn’t helped any bit by that coquettish nickname.



So Lan Wangji is better at handling girls than Wei Wuxian, was what everyone’s mind in disbelief thought.

That was knowledge we didn’t need to know! Lan xichen thought. Oh Wangji, don’t tell me you’ve been reading porn and playing with girls behind this brother’s back. Lan Xichen internally sobbed.

Meanwhile Nie Huaisang thought, ‘ Wow! This is the good stuff! I’m glad Jiang Wanyin dragged me into here, even if the old coot is looking around as if he wants to kill us all. I know! I’ll just say I know nothing!’

‘The fantasies of the women disciples being touched by two handsome men will be fulfilled by the two of you in picture book form. I owe my latest revenues to you guys!’

Everyone by the outside didn’t want things to continue except for a certain sneek.

They were quickly learning things about the two they didn’t want to know.


“They’re really obedient tits aren’t they?”

Yes, that was the other thing which had bothered Lan Xichen. Throughout the...session, the woman or women inside never said a word. They only heard from Wei Wuxian and the occasional sentences or hums from his brother.

If the women are kept inside beyond their will then they could not condone this any longer.

They barged into the Library Pavillion.

Lan Xichen prayed their clothes weren’t fully taken off and they were halfway decent.

Tweet~ Tweet~ a pair of black and yellow birds fluffed their feathers and flapped their wings at them. They were on the table. Lan Wangji sat upright, posture perfect with a brush on his hand while Wei Wuxian was crouching and leaning on the table, his back faced towards them. He turned around when he heard the commotion and waved at them.

“Hey Jiang Cheng! Huaisang, older brother Lan and old uncle Lan!" If anything, Lan Qiren’s face turned redder from the nickname.

They were still fully clothed. Not a garment was out of place. More than that, they were alone. It was the normal image of two students sitting, one diligently copying notes while the other slacking.

Lan Wangji nodded at them in greeting." Brother, uncle. “


“Where are the women?!”

“What is the meaning of this!? Waangji! Wei Wuxiaaan?!”

“Wei Wuxiaann I will kill you!”

“Wei-xiong! Weren’t you in the middle of something -?”

“Oh dear. It seems we have misunderstood something,” said Lan Xichen.

“Huh? What are you guys talking about? And Jiang Cheng, why are you saying things like wanting to kill me?” he pouted. “I haven’t even done anything wrong this time!” came the objection that sounded like a great denial to their ears.

“Nothing! Then what were you and Lan Wangji doing? P- playing with scarlet women !” Jiang Cheng spluttered.

“Playing? Scarlet women? Are you even hearing yourself Jiang Cheng? I’d be kicked from the Cloud Recesses down the mountain! No never mind about being kicked out. You wouldn’t even be able to find my body! “

“Umm Wei-xiong, what was this we heard about ‘tits’?”


“Here they are.” Wei Wuxian pointed at the two fat birds.

“Tweet~” the birds sang oblivious to the confusion and misunderstanding they had caused.


“We found them on the windowsill uncle.”


“I wanted to play and touch with them but Lan Zhan wouldn’t let me,” Wei Wuxian wheedled, “even when I promised to be good!”


“Uncle, you do not look alright.”


“What were guys doing anyway gathering here? Do you want to join me in my punishment? Haha.”


Lan Xichen wanted to smack himself. Jiang Cheng wanted to strange a certain someone. Nie Huaisang was wholly disappointed but with how one of the party wouldn’t be expelled at least, it meant there would be more fodder for his picture books in the future.

Ah! I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid. Lan Xichen thought. But when he came to the scene of the crime, the two Jiang Cheng and Nie Huaisang were already wholly convinced something was going on and so he got dragged into that line of thinking.

They stared. It was an honest mistake and one that was theirs but..if only Wei Wuxian had not spoken such suggestive lines then their misconceptions wouldn’t have been as exaggerated as it had been. The images were still stuck in their heads.

“Wei Wuxian!!”

“What the fuck! Why couldn’t you call them birds like normal people?”

“Uncle, your breathing -”

“And what’s wrong with calling them by their proper name?”

“I know nothing of this incident! I know nothing!”

“We thought - you and Lan Wangji - arghh! I’m going to kill you! “

Meanwhile Lan Qiren, even if his worst fears haven’t been realized - of his nephew shacking up with wonton women, or him shacking up with Wei Wuxian, he didn’t know which one was worse - it didn’t mean the red cloud of rage hasn’t dissipated yet over his head.  

“Jiang Wanyin no shouting and cursing at the Cloud Recesses!"

“And you!!” shouted Lan Qiren, pointing at Wei Wuxian.

“What did I do?”

The two tits chirped happily.