Lisa remembers what her mother taught her.
When you repeat something over and over again it loses its meaning. It becomes nothing.
It's the same as our existence.
When you watch the sunset over and over again it just becomes 6 pm.
And when you make the same mistake over and over again you just stop calling it a mistake.
What Lisa doesn't get is they've been doing this for as long as they could remember. But it never once felt like a mistake or it never lost its meaning.
"Is the door locked?" Jennie quietly asked. Lisa can see every ounce of fear swimming in her eyes.
Lisa wishes that it doesn't always have to be this way.
"Don't worry, it is." Lisa gave her an assuring smile, caressing Jennie's waist to calm her, she points at the doorknob for proof. Jennie lets out a relieved sigh. Lisa can feel the older girl relax in her touch.
"I just want us to be safe," Jennie rests her forehead against Lisa, her eyes closed, trying to taint every bad consequence that would come into their own euphoria if the outside world ever finds out what they do in solitary rooms.
"I just want to protect you," Jennie whispers and Lisa's warm hands tighten their grasp on the latter's waist.
"The world is too cruel if they ever found out what we do." Jennie opens her eyes and stares at Lisa's own ones. Lisa feels her heart sink as she hears those words.
"I understand," Lisa smiles sadly, understanding the reality, caressing Jennie's cheek in a comforting way.
"I want to protect you too," Lisa whispers. Jennie smiles back and nuzzles Lisa's neck, she inhales the sweet vanilla scent of the Thai. she releases a contented sigh, and Lisa hugs her tightly and placed a sweet kiss on the side of her head.
Lisa wonders how a love like theirs could be considered as something chaotic, wonders how two girls in love could completely halt the world from spinning on its axis.
Jennie withdraws her head from Lisa's neck, the uneasiness in her gaze is replaced by fondness as she immortalizes Lisa's iridescent details. She can't help but trace every outline, memorizing how she feels against her fingertips. One day this could be all over, one day this could all be gone in a whiff, and she doesn't know when she'll get to touch Lisa again, doesn't know if this will be the last time she'll ever get to feel her.
"You look sad today," Lisa points out. "Why is that?" Lisa holds Jennie's hands and kisses her fingertips.
"We're never sure if this would be the last time. So, I'm trying to memorize you as vividly as I could." Jennie replies.
Lisa interweaves their fingers together, placing the back of Jennie's hand against her cheeks as she softly caresses it with her thumb. "I won't let that happen. I would do everything just to be with you in this lifetime."
"You always know how to make my heart skip a beat," Jennie laughs. Jennie isn't usually the type of person who'd say cheesy things like this, but in this moment she doesn't even consider it as something cheesy or shabby, because it's true and she means it.
"Yeah," Lisa chuckles, her eyes and nose crinkles as her lips break into a smile and Jennie can't help but melt at the sight.
Jennie stares at her, she couldn't hold herself anymore and laces her lips with Lisa's plump ones. They explore each other's mouth like it's the first time. Lisa's sure she'll never get tired of Jennie's saccharine taste.
The breath of the latter falls gently on Lisa's shoulders as she traces Jennie's jawline then to her neck with nips and sweet kisses. Lisa slowly removed Jennie's clothing, the way an artist reveals their own finished masterpiece, and Jennie did the same.
Lisa traces the outlines of Jennie's heart. Lisa had always known exactly how to play her, the way she exactly knew how to play the ukelele she bought when she was just a trainee.
Jennie releases a blissful breath, smiling on Lisa's shoulder as the other girl continues to move softly against her skin.
Jennie starts to walk backwards toward the mattress. When Lisa understood what the other girl was doing she carefully guided Jennie toward the bed.
Jennie lays down on the mattress while Lisa hovers on top of her. Lisa breaks the kiss for a moment, she stares at Jennie, stardust in her eyes. "You do know I love you, right?" Lisa breathes out.
"Yeah," Jennie replies, her tone sweet and innocent and honest. "And I love you too,"
Lisa smiles and goes back to interlace her lips with Jennie's. Jennie arches her back at Lisa's phantom embrace, beckoning the Thai to play their own song that they only knew.
Lisa's arm encircles Jennie's hips, caressing her sides in such a gentle and pleasing way, while her tongue plays its own concerto, conducting Jennie's instrument to the sound and rhythm of Lisa's own.
They moved in perfect sync, every musical note was hit perfectly, like they've been practicing for this concerto for years— which they did.
Jennie lets out a breath of amazement every second. Lisa was rhapsody in flesh, bringing her into the highest of heights night after night. Breathing her dulcet melody into the darkest part of her. Glutting her with rapture she could only offer.
It's warmer now, their hearts beating together in rhythm as if it's one. Their closer together, bodies locked in knowing, knowing that this will end so they move slowly, gratefully as one and hearts opening in silent, offering each other what the world refuses to give them.
They know every inch of each other's body because the body of the other is their own too. It flows through Jennie's bloodstream and every fiber of her being is the purest essence of the latter. Feeling Lisa move makes her a whole not wanting any other union, no distinction of mind, body, and soul-- Jennie only wants her.
Lisa wants to breathe Jennie's own heaven, to accept the sweet bliss only she could offer. Lisa wants to breathe her all the way in. She can never rest until she's under Jennie's skin.
Jennie could just arch her back at the contact of Lisa's warm and delicate hands and Lisa has proof that the earth was never flat.
Now, they lay beside each other, the only layer they have is the duvet. They're facing each other, Jennie's asleep peacefully while Lisa just watches her like she's a scene from her favorite movie.
Jennie lazily circles her arms on Lisa's waist and pulls her closer. Lisa smiles and starts caressing the latter's face.
She stares at Jennie and remembers the first time they did whatever this is. She can still remember the memory like it was only yesterday.
They were only eighteen that time, it was Christmas. Two teenagers alone in their dorm, Jisoo was with her family as well as Chaeyoung. Jennie stayed with Lisa, since the Thai wasn't given the chance to be with her family this Christmas year.
Lisa remembers Jennie being drunk that night, remembers Radio Ga Ga playing instead of Christmas songs, remember Jennie being such a steamy flirt that she can't help but blush at every word she says to her, every lingering touch causing her heart to beat madly.
The night felt like a joyride to nowhere, riding the night like a freight train catching itself past midnight. Ranting about life and how it takes too long for them to debut, or if they're ever gonna debut at all, singing on the top of their lungs like they're going mad, and enough tears that could fill empty flasks.
Everything was light and fun until Jennie starts to lean in closer, and Lisa tries her best to not fall for Jennie's lips at that time. Lisa had always felt something for Jennie, something she can't really decipher but it's there, it's always been there since she first saw her in the practice room all those years ago.
She stops her, thinking she was just intoxicated by alcohol, afraid that if they wake up tomorrow Jennie would run away as fast as possible from her, afraid that this will be a mistake that would scar her for a lifetime.
"Jennie, you're drunk..." Lisa holds her shoulders causing her to halt in her movement. Jennie stares at her, eyes narrowed and one eyebrow raised, it looks like she's hurt.
"I may be drunk but this is a sober thought," Jennie replies and catches Lisa's lips in a swift kiss.
Lisa's startled for a quick moment but she instantaneously gave in to the kiss. Her walls and control completely cracking and breaking as Jennie try to deepen the kiss.
Jennie lets out a sound, was it mere moans or something more? Jennie's breaths and whispers make the hair on Lisa's skin stand, it gives her goosebumps.
"I've been wanting to do this for a long time," Jennie breathes out, breaking the kiss for a brief moment.
Lisa stares at her, trying to find the lie that may reside in the latter's eyes but there was none.
"'I've been craving for you," Jennie whispers, making Lisa's blood turn into liquid nitrogen. Pulses of primal craving flowing in her bloodstream.
"Why do I feel like you'd say this will all be a mistake tomorrow morning?" Lisa tells her. She's still afraid it will be. She's always been afraid, and she knows Jennie has the capability to break her heart a thousand times.
"No, no. God, no." Jennie rambles, shaking her head no, cupping Lisa's cheeks. "I want this... and I want you." She rested her forehead against the Thai, her eyes closed, her tone dripping with sincerity trying to convince Lisa this isn't just a silly game.
Lisa finally believes her, she kisses Jennie again this time it's full of sincerity and desire. Jennie kisses her back with the same passion.
Two youths at the peak of omitted innocence, the bass of the music pounding them into rhythm. Jennie slowly lays down on the couch, pulling Lisa on top of her. The kiss never breaking, Jennie not letting it.
Inhaling each other's nicotine, and taking in intoxicating promises. Even if Jennie already assured her, Lisa's still afraid this will be a one-night forever, because people like them weren't born to last.
Jennie kisses her again and again, tainting every negative thought that comes through her head and it did work. Lisa kinds of forget about reality at that moment.
"Take a picture it would last long," Jennie chuckles, her eyes still closed, still holding on to Lisa as if she'll drift if she ever let go.
"Good idea," Lisa smiles and slowly gets out of bed to get her camera inside her bag.
Once she has the camera in her hands she went back to her position on the mattress. "Jennie," Lisa calls out light-heartedly, already pointing the camera at her lover. Jennie got all shy and went to hide under the covers.
"Hey!" Lisa laughs, pulling the duvet from Jennie. "Come on, you told me to take a picture and now you're hiding." Lisa pouts, still trying to pull the duvet from Jennie's face.
"I was only kidding," Jennie replies. "Besides, I'm still naked." She added bashfully.
"So? You're still beautiful!" Lisa counters light-heartedly.
"Ugh, fine. But you're the only person who will get to see this." Jennie finally gives up and Lisa nods diligently.
"I promise!" Lisa chirps, making a cross at her chest.
Jennie giggles at the Thai's childishness and Lisa's quick to take picture after picture.
"Make sure I look good there," Jennie playfully tells her.
"You're always beautiful. What are you talking about?" Lisa comments, still taking pictures of her muse. Jennie blushes at the words.
Lisa took a few more photos and decides that's enough for today. "I need to save memory for another photo session of you," Lisa mutters and sets down the camera on the drawer next to her.
Jennie quickly cuddles with her, nuzzling her face on Lisa's neck. "What were you thinking about earlier?"
"Us" Lisa replies, caressing Jennie's hands as she stares at the wall in front of her.
"What about 'us'?" Jennie quietly asks.
"How lucky I am to be with you," Lisa says, kissing the crown of Jennie's head.
Lisa can feel the corners of Jennie's lips curl into a smile. "Glad we feel the same way,"
Lisa stares at the wall and remembers when they admitted their feelings, remembers Jennie saying 'I love you' first.
It was a year after their debut, a year of messing around in solitary rooms where it was anything but religious, a year of committing omen after omen. a year when Lisa realized she doesn't want, whatever this is, to be over. A year when Lisa realized that she wants to hold Jennie close to her forever, she doesn't ever want to let her go.
All of them were staying at their own rooms, having the rest they well deserved, they just finished performing at another award show.
Lisa's sitting on her bed, reading a book about photography, writing all the important and relevant things in her journal. Music plays in the background, the soft echo of the speaker omits the silent of the room, Lisa wasn't usually the type of person that likes the sound of silence.
She continues reading, the sound of soft knocks interrupting her from her own trance. She looks up at the door, putting aside the book and her journal, she gets up from her bed.
Lisa turns the knob and pulls the door open, it reveals Jennie in her cute matching pajamas. She still looks haggard and deprived of rest, but there was a small soft smile plastered on her face.
Lisa leans on the doorframe, admiring Jennie's cuteness. "Can't sleep?" She giggles, tucking the loose locks behind Jennie's ears.
"Yeah," Jennie nods. "Can I come into your room?" She asks, her arms quickly finding Lisa's waist. Lisa engulfs her in a warm embrace and pulls her inside, never letting her go.
Jennie sits on the edge of the bed, a lazy smile on her face. she intertwines their fingers together, a habit that became natural for her.
"Why are you still awake? You should be getting your rest." Lisa tells her, swinging their hands together.
Jennie looks up at her, there was a playful glint in her eyes. "I should be saying the same thing to you." Jennie laughs humorously, Lisa shakes her head while a smile dances on her face, Jennie's right though.
"But, seriously, what are you doing here?" Lisa asks, sitting down beside her, smoothing out Jennie's hair lovingly.
"I wanted to be with you," Jennie tells her as if it's the most obvious thing. Jennie thinks that there is something about Lisa's eyes that takes her to a sea of currents, a heaving heart, and to a place where desire is rich.
And Lisa didn't say anything, she just grins and kisses Jennie square in the mouth.
Jennie kisses her back, and after that Lisa doesn't remember a word but her name.
Jennie wanted to share her world with hers, and Lisa wanted the same thing. So they created a new one together.
Jennie's eyes are closed and Lisa just watches her sleep, watches her chest rise and fall, listens to her breathe, and Lisa thinks she's the most beautiful person she ever got the chance to hold.
Whatever they're doing, whatever this is, doesn't have its own certain label, it's just assumptions and unspoken words, and they just leave it at that. It's better that way. Because she damn well knows this couldn't be anything other than a secret. And fuck, why does it have to be this way?
Lisa can feel the thick hot tears prickling in her eyes, she tries to hold it in. She doesn't want Jennie to see her like this, but this shit is too painful to bear, if they kept doing this all she could do is fall and fall and fall until there's no way out of this rabbit hole.
She still looks like someone that was never really hers.
"Lis... are you okay?" Jennie quietly whispers, she can hear Lisa's sniffles.
"No, I'm fine, I really am." She tells her, her lips quivering but she's trying her best not to break. She caresses Jennie's hair, convincing her that she's alright and there's nothing wrong.
"No, you're not..." Jennie's eyes fluttered open and she sees Lisa's glistening eyes. "You're crying..."
Lisa lets out a breath, composing herself. "Go back to sleep, Jen."
"I don't want to," Jennie states.
"Don't be stubborn," The Thai tells her.
"You're crying. Why?"
"I'm dismissing the fact that this is all we'll ever get to be. That one day you'd end up with somebody new. And I don't know if I could ever accept that fact."
"What are you saying?" Jennie starts to get frustrated, she can't believe that Lisa thinks she'll ever replace her for another.
"I've seen you naked, I've seen the real you. You never love me, did you?"
"That's not true..." Jennie whispers. "Loving you was the only thing I ever felt good at."
"Wait, what?" Lisa has to make sure that Jennie's words are true, she has to hear it again.
"I love you, Lis," Jennie tells her. It overwhelms Lisa because she can't find any lie in her eyes. She had always wanted to hear those words from her.
"You do?" She's making sure if it's true. When they continued doing this, not speaking about feelings became an unspoken rule. They were never really good at words.
"Yeah, I do." Jennie honestly tells her. And if this was a dream Lisa doesn't ever want to wake up.
"I love you too," Lisa replies.
And they really do, love each other that is.
So, they continued doing this. Jennie knows Lisa can never fully sustain her, but the feelings she gives her in the most prosaic ways makes her want to stay. Lisa gives her a taste of magic and never lets her settle for shadows. So, she stays and continues to love her, doesn't matter how dangerous the consequences are.
You see, we are defiant of the reality when we're often mesmerized by our own bliss— putting reasons to our thinking, transcribing our own world and prolonging the truth.
Jennie's the devotee and Lisa is her sacred space. In Lisa's skin, she finds enlightenment. In her touch, she feels passion. In her face, she gets to hold the freedom she desires. In Lisa's threshold, Jennie gets to leave her worries. Her awareness falls into oblivion, worries getting buried by her love. Immersing herself gently and lovingly at the depths of Lisa's presence, swelling with the possibility of new life.
"Why does it have to be this way?" Lisa asks quietly and softly. The flashbacks that were playing in her head are finished rolling.
"There are things that we have to leave just as it is. No matter how much we want more." Jennie replies. "We're a tornado, Lisa. In here we will be safe. But everything around us would be destroyed by our access."
Lisa understands, she didn't have to say anything because Jennie already laid out every reason why things are the way they are. She can't deny the truth.
And they both fell to a deep slumber.
Lisa wakes up and Jennie's not there anymore. Only the wrinkles of the sheets caused by her body and her sweet scent are still there.
Here she is again, feeling another inevitable heartbreak. Cursing the universe for a fate she both selected and did not.
They see each other in the recording studio but words and conversations weren't exchanged, too busy recording for a new song and too aware of people surrounding them. So, they just exchanged smiles and assuring nods.
Lisa wonders about her a little too much and all of a sudden she wants nothing more but to feel the embers of a fire that still burns in Jennie.
They saw each other again, this time in the practice room. This time jokes and conversations are exchanged, like what normal friends do. They try their best not to initiate contact with each other that much.
Jennie sits on the benches that are sprawled inside the room. Lisa sits beside her.
"Lately, I've been thinking about telling us to Chaeng and Jisoo." Lisa tells her quietly.
Jennie looks at her, the same old fear still swims in her cat-like eyes. "No, not yet.
"But they are our friends. They deserve to know the truth, Jen." Lisa counters, carefully and gently. Not wanting to scare Jennie away.
"Don't you think I know that?" Jennie hisses, not really meaning to. "But not now, Lis. Please."
Lisa defeatedly nods, giving Jennie a pat on the shoulder. She stands up and goes back to practicing their new choreography. Lisa kind of accepts the fact that she'll always be a secret hidden behind closed doors, but it still hurt nonetheless.
Jennie feels bad. She doesn't want Lisa to be her hidden secret forever. It's just that maybe it isn't the right time. And Jennie thinks when it is ever the right time.
Practice is already finished. Chaeyoung asks the girls if they want to eat dinner in this new food chain near their company. Jisoo agrees and the two waited for Jennie and Lisa's answer.
"Actually, Lisa and I are already itching to go home." Jennie announces, holding Lisa's hand behind her back.
"We are?" Lisa whispers, and Jennie nudges her at her sides making Lisa squeak a sound that makes Chaeyoung squint her eyes in a way that scares Jennie. "Oh, yeah, we totally are." Lisa hastily answers, trying to sound convincing but Jisoo only raises her brows at the two.
"Oh, if that's it then Chaeng and I will enjoy the food. See you guys later." Jisoo tells them and drags Chaeyoung with her.
Jisoo shakes her head at the two girls, she knows what they are. she's quite an observer and Jennie and Lisa are anything but friends, the chemistry they have is palpable, but being a good friend that she is she just stays quiet and keeps her mouth shut. She doesn't want to pry the two girls or put the both of them in the hot seat, she knows they are having a hard time and she'll wait for the time they are ready. she's actually glad they're still together as of now, because she understands the hardships same-sex couples face, especially in the entertainment industry. She wishes they could last longer.
Once Lisa and Jennie got home, Jennie quickly tackles Lisa in a tight hug causing the taller girl to lose her balance, luckily she got to hold on to something before she completely falls on her bum.
"Jennie Kim, are you really that desperate?" Lisa jokingly asks, pulling out of the hug to take off her shoes.
"I just really want to spend some time with you. Is it that too much to ask?" Jennie whines and crosses her arms cutely. Lisa rolls her eyes comically, dropping the bag on the sofa and pulls Jennie again for an embrace, resting her chin on Jennie's head.
"Can we go to your room?" Jennie asks, Lisa obliges without another word and Jennie excitedly drags her.
Jennie shuts the door and quickly pulls Lisa in a kiss. Lisa pulls away for a quick moment.
"Woah, calm down." Lisa laughs.
"But I missed you already." Jennie pouts and gives Lisa her puppy dog eyes.
"But we just did that yesterday." Lisa tickles her and the latter slaps her hands away.
"But we didn't get to talk all day." Jennie reasons out and Lisa could only shake her head and chuckle.
"You're such a whiny baby." Lisa comments, chuckling light-heartedly.
"Yeah, only for you." They both laugh. The worries are now gone and the fear, tentativeness, and uncertainty lingering in the back of their minds are now buried.
And they kept falling and falling and falling and falling until they can't differentiate what is flying and falling anymore. until they don't know how to define gravity. and they still do it again and again, telling themselves they are their own universe when in reality they are their own blackhole.
But in the middle of all of the chaos they did. Maybe they found out what it's like to be really happy.