Midoriya shambled into the kitchen, stifling a yawn. Maybe, he thought, just maybe, he should start going to sleep at a time that wasn’t technically the morning. He dismissed the though immediately. No, that was a reasonable time to stay up to. It’s the clocks that are wrong.
He was going to the kitchen of the dorm to grab some cereal when he bumped into someone. Blinking blearily, he looked up to see Shoji turning around to look at him. Slightly baffled at how he managed to miss the tallest person in the class, the now slightly-more-awake Midoriya realized that they weren’t the only ones here. The entire class was clustered around the front door, seemingly looking at something.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
Shoji shrugged. “Beats me. By the time I got out here everyone was crowding around it.”
Midoriya cocked his head in confusion. It? He started moving into the crowd, shuffling his way to the front accompanied by a near non-stop stream of apologies. What he found at the front was… unusual. What looked like a thick pack of papers was taped to the door, the page they could see covered in columns of writing.
“What is it?” Uraraka asked.
Iida stepped forward, pulling the papers from the door. He straightened his glasses and peered at it. “It appears to be a message from our teachers.” He took a deep breath, then began to read out loud.
I want you all to know that I objected to the idea of having you all move into the dorms at first. Not because I thought it was an unnecessary measure, but because I knew that if left unchecked you would raze the whole building to the ground within the week. Nothing you’ve done so far has proved me wrong.
So since the general dorm rules haven’t been sufficient to curb your mayhem so far, I’ve constructed this personalized list. To write this I consulted with the other teachers, coordinated with the principal, called up your parents to ask about you, “borrowed” Midoriya’s notes on you all, and even talked to Sir Nighteye. I will never say the prices I had to pay or the things I had to do to convince a pro hero who specializes in planning and foresight to help make these rules, but suffice to say that if you all manage to find loopholes in them, I will be both impressed and emotionally destroyed.
1. Uraraka: Make sure nothing is floating when you leave a room. We’ve had enough incidents where you released something later only for things to crash to the ground in half a dozen different rooms.
2. Iida: Don’t use your Quirk indoors, especially while barefoot. We don’t need another stubbed toe at mach 2. Maybe just take up speedwalking.
3. Aoyama: While we cannot stop you from purchasing 100 pounds of variety glitter, we can tell you not to open it in the common room. It took us five vacuums to clean that up.
4. Tokoyami: We’re 85% sure that having a bird head doesn’t actually make you act like a bird. Please stop trying to steal Aoyama to “add to your collection of shiny baubles.”
5. Iida: Either don’t talk while cooking or make sure you put down all utensils before you talk. Hand chopping is fine, aggressively swinging knives around is not.
6. Ashido: It doesn’t matter what you set the PH to, your acid is not a viable ingredient in any dish.
a. Yes, that includes coffee.
b. No, it’s not okay if you’re the only one who eats it. Your Quirk or not, whatever it tastes like, there’s no way eating actual acid is good for you.
7. Kaminari: You are not a viable power source for the TV. Please stop frying them.
8. Todoroki: You may not challenge the toaster to a “toast off.”
9. Please stop making excuses to get Midoriya to carry you. Yes, he can do it easily. Yes, he’ll do it in a heartbeat if you ask him. No, you’re not being subtle about your crushes.
10. Kirishima: Your battle cry is not allowed to be “time to get hard!”
11. If you don’t label your food, you have no one else to blame for other people eating it. No challenging your classmates to “meet me in the pit to pay for my soba with your life.”
12. Bakugou: Explosions are not an answer to any of the following:
a. He/she’s annoying you
b. Your lock is jammed
c. The shower ran out of hot water
d. You stubbed your toe
e. Someone else stubbed your toe
f. Kirishima stubbed his toe (walls are inanimate, you can’t make them pay for their sins)
h. The sun got in your eyes
i. You can’t find something
j. Feeling sad
k. Commercial breaks
l. A different brand of chips than you wanted
n. A website is loading slowly
o. You stuttered
p. Losing a board game
q. Winning a board game
s. 2% milk
u. Your own left hand
13. Shoji: Please stop turning your hands into tongues. Half the class is now terrified of high-fives.
14. Sero: We understand that “duct tape fixes anything,” but it doesn’t mean you can stick tape to your classmates’ heads and claim to have fixed their daddy issues.
15. Koda: The correct reaction to rats in the walls is to ask them to leave, not invite them to a tea party.
16. Don’t stack things on top of Midoriya while he’s mumbling just to see how long it takes for him to notice.
17. Similarly, don’t stack things on Shinso when he falls asleep. He doesn’t sleep enough as it is, he doesn’t need to be woken up by sixteen Jenga sets falling off his face.
18. Don’t stack things on me when I fall asleep. I don’t have any proof that you’re doing it, but I’d be more suspicious if you’re not.
19. Shoji: Stop challenging people to “tongue wrestling.” I don’t know if that’s just how you ask people to make out or if it’s an arm wrestling match where your arm is a tongue, but I don’t need to hear about it either way.
a. Tsuyu: Just because you beat Shoji at tongue wrestling doesn’t mean you can challenge everyone to try and take the title of Tongue Wrestling Champion from you.
20. Please stop synching theme songs to play for each of you when you walk into a room. Admittedly hearing “Hot n Cold” or “Defying Gravity” was funny at first, but it’s less so when several of you enter the room and blare ten different songs simultaneously at max volume.
21. Blaring a G note to call Tokoyami is not allowed, even if it does work.
22. Iida’s hand chops are not an invitation to maneuver various items to see if he can chop them in half.
23. Don’t leave your clothes in the dryer for too long. If Iida finds them, he’ll fold them and deliver them to your room. If you didn’t know that already, don’t do it on purpose to exploit his desire to help.
24. Don’t put off doing laundry until you have no clean clothes, then sit naked in the laundry room while you wait for them to finish.
a. Yes, that includes you Hagakure.
25. Aoyama: No stealing other people’s laundry just because you think you look better in their outfits.
26. Sato: Baking pies is fine. Using those mass-produced pies to prank the majority of the student population at once is not.
27. Shinso: Please stop getting people to make fools of themselves. The fact that you’re persuasive enough to do so without using your Quirk just makes it scarier.
28. Koda: Please stop adopting animals. We can deal with the occasional stray dog or cat. A full-grown grizzly bear is crossing the line.
29. Midoriya: Either stop collecting All Might merchandise or keep it somewhere else. The architects are genuinely concerned that the weight in your room is going to cause a structural failure.
30. Tsuyu: Please stop referring to students with insect-like Quirks as snacks, even if its jokingly.
31. “Killing two birds with one stone” is not a challenge to figure out how to make every combat exercise about hitting Tokoyami with a rock.
32. Stop giving Hatsume ideas. We still haven’t caught the robotic mantis-raptor you had her make last month.
33. Yaoyorozu: Stop giving Hatsume supplies. It’s hard enough to keep her in check when she has to request her materials, we don’t need you giving her microreactors and carbonate tesseracts in your spare time.
34. When someone asks you to pass the salt, please pass them the salt. Do not produce a hand-written list of every complaint Bakugo has made about Midoriya and begin reading aloud in a whiny voice. It never ends well for anyone.
35. Vlad King has asked that I tell you not to deliberately pass within Monoma’s range of hearing while talking about how well the class did at something just to see him get smacked down by Kendo. I, on the other hand, would like to bring it to your attention that there are 18 other students in class B who could potentially do it for her.
36. Kouda: You are not allowed to “do a solid” for wild animals. Lunch Rush was very unhappy that you let a pack of racoons into the kitchen.
a. This applies twice over for zoo animals. I don’t want a repeat of the skink incident.
37. Jiro: 2 a.m. is not the appropriate time to play rock music loud enough to hear through the whole building.
a. Nor is it the appropriate time to play classical music at similar volumes.
b. Or nature documentaries.
c. Or recordings of Midoriya’s rants on All Might
d. Or porn.
e. Look, if you can’t see the sun outside and whatever you’re playing can be heard through a wall, turn it down.
38. Midoriya: Yes, everyone in the class and quite a few other students in the school are attracted to you. Yes, you’re very dense to have not noticed before you read this just now. No, there’s not really a rule here, just figure something out before this university gets torn apart by students trying to win your heart.
39. Bakugo: You don’t have to do something just because someone tells you that you can’t. Not only is this usually because they’re trying to goad you into it, sometimes it’s because of actual rules. The time you jumped into an aquarium tank while wearing a wedding dress to punch a shark is an example of both.
40. Sato: Don’t bribe villains with baked goods into leaving the school alone. They’ll just cause more trouble later in hopes of getting more cake. I have cats, I know what I’m talking about.
41. Shinso: Stop stealing my cats. Talk to Koda if you need to pet something cute and fuzzy.
42. Tokoyami: Don’t stand on rooftops to brood.
43. Please stop referring to All Might as Dad or trying to get him to adopt you, the poor man’s going to cough up a lung if you keep flustering him like that.
44. Stop gluing sunglasses to people’s faces while they sleep. “Making them look cooler” is not a valid excuse.
45. If you keep teasing Tokoyami about sleeping with a night light, be prepared for the consequences if he sleeps without it.
46. Dark Shadow: Yes, you, the Quirk. Stop pulling pranks or so help me I’ll find a way to give you detention, and if I can’t find a way I’ll make one.
47. Whoever Taught Dark Shadow About Pranks: You will pay.
48. Hagakure: We know you need to wear little to no clothing to make the most of your Quirk. Please stop reminding everyone of the fact by talking about how nudism has freed you and how your classmates should try it.
49. Please stop spreading the rumor that Iida is a robot. You’re all well-known enough that the newer students actually believe you.
a. No, you’re not allowed to get Hatsume to “make the dream a reality.”
50. Bakugo: Stop trying to get Best Jeanist the company to sue Best Jeanist the hero. I don’t know how you got actual legal professionals involved, but getting the number 4 hero sued by his own company is a bad idea even if it works.
51. Koda: I don’t care what “great unfathomable voices sound from the deep,” you are not starting a cult to a sea monster that you may or may not have made up for the purpose of scaring people who tease you.
52. Shinso: You are not allowed to join Koda’s cult as co-founder on the condition that you be named “the speaker for our great abyssal lord.” We have enough problems without this nonsense.
53. Ojiro: No, the school will not give you a trophy for being the class’s sanest member, even if it’s true.
54. Sato: The school is not going to pay for a warhammer made of fruitcake. Either make your own or consider a different fighting style.
55. Sero: No more taping people together to try and combine them into a single ultimate being. This goes doubly so for taping Midoriya to Bakugo.
56. Kirishima: Stop loudly declaring that you are “the hardest man alive” or challenging Tetsutetsu to “see who can get harder.”
57. Ashido: Stop trying to set people up on surprise dates. Definitely stop daisy-chaining these surprise dates so that the entire class plus several extras are all on one gigantic date where every person involved is there on a date with at least two other people.
58. Yaoyorozu: Please stop making custom badges for made-up accomplishments. I don’t know what it means to be the “seventest best was at the highfor box to of how” but I know I nearly had an aneurism trying to figure it out.
59. Sero: Stop stealing everyone’s socks and taping them to your body. You are not a sock goblin, reverse-sock-Santa, the living manifestation of the socks lost in dryers, or any of the other dozen explanations you’ve given while asked about this.
60. Asui: “Mating season” is not a valid excuse for hitting on people. They have Google, they can find out when frog mating season is. Either stop doing it or own up to your thirst.
61. Hagakure: Just because people can hear you but not see you does not mean you’re their inner voice. Please stop persuading people to do things by claiming to be their innermost thoughts.
62. Iida: Stop visiting Tartarus to loudly talk about how great your brother’s recovery is going in front of Stain. Yes he’s a jerk who deserves to have things rubbed in his face, but I can think of very few good outcomes for taunting a serial killer.
63. Hagakure: Stop using the fact that people can’t actually see you to freak them out about what you may actually look like. Just because we can’t see you to prove you don’t have three sets of serrated mandibles, foot long hooked claws, or eyes on every part of your skin doesn’t mean you can traumatize the first years with stories about being a monster they can never see coming.
64. Midoriya: You are not allowed to offer students “bone hurting juice” with the explanation that it’s what made you so strong.
65. Koda: Do not coordinate the pigeons to crap on people who offend you en masse.
66. Shoji: Don’t use your extra arms to chain bitch-slaps, or at the very least only do so in combat training.
67. Todoroki: You’re not allowed to set a garbage can on fire and bring it to parent-teacher conferences in place of your father. That said, the on-file picture of him will remain as the one we took of said burning garbage until he comes in to retake it. It’s up to you if you want to tell him that.
68. If one of your classmates seems to have developed a sudden fascination with blood, it’s Toga. Please tell a teacher so we can deal with it, don’t invite her to play Mario Kart even if she is the only halfway decent player.
69. Appropriate titles for Principal Nezu are “Sir,” “Principal Nezu,” “Mr. Principal,” or “Headmaster.” Inappropriate titles are “Lord Emperor,” “My Liege,” “President King,” “Almighty One,” or “God.”
70. Asui: You are not the hypnotoad, nor do you have mind control powers. Stop threatening to make people your brainwashed thralls if they annoy you.
71. Shinso: Stop helping Asui by brainwashing people who annoy her.
72. Loud profanity is not the correct response to getting grades back, regardless of the language.
73. If the relationships in the class are complicated enough that you’ve used a full wall in the common room to make a pinboard to keep track of them, maybe you all should consider sitting down together and talking things over.
74. Koda: No having spiders weave out threatening messages to people, even if they deserve it.
75. Yes, Mineta was expelled for being a creep. No, this does not mean you can capture him and use one of the training grounds to “hunt him as the most dangerous game.”
a. No, you can’t skip the capturing part and just hunt him through the city.
b. No, you can’t skip both the capturing and the hunting part and just punch him whenever you see him. At least wait until he does something that gives you a reasonable excuse.
76. Todoroki: You have an oven and a microwave. Use them. Your left side is not an approved cooking appliance.
77. Asui: We know you like baths because of your Quirk, but you’re not allowed to flood the entire bathroom to use as a swamp.
78. Beds don’t just disappear. If you want to sleep over with someone, either just say so or come up with a better excuse, it’s pricey to replace all the beds you all keep vanishing.
79. Bakugo: Grenades are not an acceptable present, especially if the pin isn’t included.
80. Midoriya: Stop talking about how bones grow back stronger when you break them. Recovery Girl wants to throttle you enough as it is.
81. Todoroki: The conspiracies need to stop. You can’t just confront people with posterboards full of “irrefutable evidence” and take their stunned silence as confirmation. As such, you’re not allowed to talk about the following topics:
a. Midoriya being All Might’s secret love child.
b. Uraraka being 13’s secret love child.
c. Shinso being my secret love child.
d. Monoma being All for One’s secret love child.
e. Bakugo being your own secret love child from the future (I’m genuinely afraid of what chain of logic could possibly have brought you to that conclusion).
f. What kind of animal Nezu is (Even if it’s a valid question).
g. If Dabi’s your brother (If you need a conspiracy to tell you if someone’s the person you grew up with, they probably aren’t).
h. If Asui’s actually a toad.
i. Whether Aoyama’s French or just faking it.
j. If Monoma actually exists.
k. If Midoriya’s real Quirk is “being hot enough to transcend sexualities.”
l. If Hagakure is just a mass hallucination.
m. If aliens are real and laughing at you
n. Whether Nezu’s planning to take over the world (This one may actually be true, but it’s best not to get on his bad side).
o. Reflections actually being secret reverse dimensions.
p. The apparent oversaturation of Italian ice shops compared to people who actually eat Italian ice.
q. If we’re all living in a computer simulation (I don’t care what the 1B students are giving you as evidence).
r. Secret elves that hide in the walls and clean the dorms at night (Iida’s the one who cleans up after you all, the least you can do is acknowledge his effort).
82. Midoriya: Skeletons are not the real enemy, and your foolhardy use of your Quirk is not a serious and decisive strike against them. Stop trying to convince your classmates to join you in a Skeleton War, you’re far too effective at recruitment.
83. Yaoyorozu: No creating weapons in the dorms, even if it’s to show up Bakugo by making a bigger explosion than he can.
84. Sero: Tape me into my sleeping bag again and you will pay.
85. Jiro: No making musical remixes of your classmate’s speech without their permission. That said, well done combining Midoriya’s mumbling and Bakugo’s screaming into something musically coherent.
86. “FOR SCIENCE!!!” is not an acceptable excuse for anything, especially when you’ve involved Hatsume and definitely not when you’re saying it to Nezu.
87. It was bad enough when Toga snuck in, stop inviting her over for game night. If Recovery Girl has to help another person with stab wounds they got from their own bad decisions, I think she’s going to quit.
88. Yaoyorozu: You have a microwave. Stop assembling laser arrays to make popcorn.
89. Jiro: Recording and altering Momona’s rants against the class to play back at him is petty and rude. Please give all such recordings to Kendo at your soonest convenience, I think she’ll make better use of them.
90. Kaminari: You are not allowed to charge up the carpet so people can have a “static deathmatch.”
91. Mountains are not challenges to your honor and you are not allowed to level them.
92. No stuffing soap in Bakugo’s mouth, even if his language warrants it and Yaoyorozu will provide you as much as you want.
93. Stop trying to spy on Midoriya playing with his All Might action figures. The idea that he does so at all banks heavily on the assumption that he’s willing to risk damaging them by moving them around.
94. It doesn’t matter how big the villain is, you’re not allowed to lasso and ride them.
95. The middle of a mission is not the place to be making out.
96. Stop trying to submit each other to art galleries, no matter how attractive you find each other.
97. Yaoyorozu: Stop creating and assembling vending machines to place around the school. While your entrepreneur spirit is to be admired, you have no grasp of normal vending machine prices.
98. Tokoyami: “Your immortal soul” is not a reasonable price for a favor, stop asking for it.
99. Iida does not have a “ludicrous speed” setting, stop asking him about it.
100. Stop paying Hagakure to collect gossip on each other, she spies enough already.
101. Midoriya: Your habit of collecting information and coming up with strategies and tactics is admirable. Referring to your collected information as your blackmail folder and citing facts about people for intimidation purposes is not.
102. Sero: You are not Spider-Man. Stop gluing spider legs to tape dispensers as proof of your origins.
103. None of you is “Lord High Commander,” please stop calling yourselves that during group projects.
104. Sato: No, you can’t have people call you Sugar Daddy.
105. Midoriya: Stop bench pressing things to show off. We already know you’re strong enough to lift just about anything, but the items themselves aren’t strong enough to survive the amount of weight you add to them.
106. “It is better to ask forgiveness than permission” no longer applies to any of you or anyone you associate with.
107. “Point and laugh” is not an acceptable combat or first aid maneuver.
108. I don’t know who the throne you all built was made for, but no.
109. Midoriya: You are not allowed to start an inquisition to purge the school of people with an insufficient love of All Might.
a. You are also not allowed to start an inquisition to purge the school of Endeavor supporters.
110. None of you are allowed to start any sort of inquisition using Midoriya as your enforcer.
111. Bakugo: Stop calling people extras. Either learn their names or call them sir/ma’am, no matter how much it kills your pride.
112. Stop talking about your “secret army of ninjas” while gesturing only to Ojiro.
113. You are not allowed to hold another Spice-Off. If you insist, I will remove you as a threat just as I would any villain group.
114. If someone is napping in the common room, you can put a blanket over them or leave them alone. What you can’t do is leap onto them while screaming “dogpile.”
115. No playing “the floor is lava.” With your Quirks involved, you cause far too much collateral damage.
116. When you build pillow forts, make sure they’re shoddy enough that you can get out without digging an escape tunnel through the floor. Again.
117. Shinso: While I agree with the principle, you’re not allowed to use your Quirk to stop people from backing out of Truth or Dare.
118. No judging each other’s fashion sense, Aoyama nearly took out a wall last time someone told him they didn’t like his shirt.
119. You can approach me or any other teacher with requests. There’s no need to call Midoriya Inko to argue on your behalf even if you do consider her your collective mom.
120. Please stop teaching Eri profanity. She doesn’t need to know more about creatively vulgar insults than basic math.
121. Stop trying to traumatize Tokoyami with eggs, he’s eaten an omelet before.
122. Uraraka: No trying to send people into space, even if they ask you to so they can get out of embarrassing situations.
123. Ashido: No turning hallways into slip-n-slides with your Quirk.
124. No having Yaoyorozu create replicas of your classmates’ treasured items to destroy in front of them as a prank. If Midoriya punches you through the building because he thinks you ruined one of his collectables, you have no one but yourself to blame.
125. Independent study periods are to be used for independent study, not barging in on 1B. If you choose to ignore this rule, I’ll let Blood King handle you.
126. Todoroki: No using your Quirk to try and alter the weather. It probably won’t work, and on the off chance if does then you’ll be the one who has to put up with requests for snow days.
127. Ojiro: No more challenging people to fights with hands tied behind your backs. They’ll catch on eventually.
128. If someone asks you what your Quirk is, don’t look them dead in the eyes, say “spiders,” and then walk away without explanation.
129. A gun is not a Quirk and I’ll thank you to stop pestering me to add it to the curriculum.
130. If you want to use the empty dorm rooms as a game room or something, talk to me and I’ll get it worked out with Nezu. Don’t break into them and use them to build superweapons or do “SCIENCE!!!” None of you are qualified for either of those.
a. You are not allowed to bring in someone who is qualified as an excuse.
131. No digging secret tunnels to class B’s dorms. One class is enough of a headache.
132. When Kaminari fries his brain with his Quirk you should keep an eye on him until he recovers, not put him through drunk tests or ask him to do children’s puzzles.
133. No trying to find indecent pictures of Midnight to blackmail her into not giving you homework. It won’t work anyways.
134. Don’t use dog whistles while on UA grounds. I made that mistake once. Never again.
135. Don’t play Big Enough whenever you see Snipe, even if he did it first.
136. On the off chance that Nezu is a mouse after all, don’t buy mousetraps. It might inspire him to build people traps.
137. School grounds are not the place to put up posters berating “Endev-whore” for his poor parenting skills, at least not until you’ve gotten a teacher to sign off on them.
138. The fact that Tokoyami has a sword does not mean he will use it to duel you on a rooftop in the rain.
139. The fact that Tokoyami will use his sword to duel you on a rooftop in the rain does not mean it’s allowed.
140. If you’re going to have another movie night, pause occasionally to get a handle on your feelings. Between sorrow, anger, fear, joy, and awe, there’s not a single thing in the common room you haven’t destroyed during one of your viewing sessions.
141. No more experimenting in the kitchen unless you’re using a recipe. The hazmat team said they’re going to start charging us extra, especially if it’s radioactive again.
142. Ectoplasm is not a “vore ghost” and you will not refer to him as such to his face.
143. Bakugo: No more 3D movies until you stop reflexively exploding everything that looks like it’s coming out of the screen.
144. Tokoyami: No perching on top of bookshelves, fridges, doorways, or anything that isn’t the chair part of a chair.
145. Jiro: Hearing someone playing a song you don’t like is no excuse to delete their entire music library.
146. No challenging Bakugo to anything unless Kirishima’s on hand to deal with him if he loses.
147. Nerf wars are banned, as are water gun fights. Any Nerf guns modified by Hatsume or water guns filled with Ashido’s acid are super banned.
148. No using quills to write assignments. Whenever any of you do you always do them in old-timey British English and that’s even more incomprehensible than your usual English.
149. No kick-me signs. We talked with Iida and though we’re pretty sure he understands it’s a joke and not a request now, Kaminari still had to spend several days in the infirmary for his cracked pelvis.
150. Save the memes for the group chat I know you have. I have no desire to explain what a thot is to All Might.
151. Aoyama: No throwing glitter at people.
152. Aoyama: No attacking people because you’ve covered them with glitter and now you think they’re shinier than you.
153. Koda: Stop trying to see if your Quirk works on Nezu.
154. Asui: Keep your jelly out of the kitchen or clearly mark it, no one else wants to eat strawberry and worm jelly.
155. Tokoyami: “Caw caw motherfucker” is not going to be your battle cry.
156. I know insomnia is the norm for most of you, but don’t let Iida go more than a day or two without sleep. Apparently a few tired nights are all that separates him from “stickler for rules” to “ironfisted dictator.”
157. No fighting Monoma in 20 vs. 1 challenge matches, even if he’s the one who raised the idea.
158. Yaoyorozu: No matter what your classmates told you, rapidly throwing one dollar bills at someone is not a normal form of paying someone when using cash.
159. None of you are allowed to egg other people’s houses, no matter how bad they may be at being the number “one” hero. However, I can’t stop you if one of you wants to egg his own house and I can’t stop the rest of you from supplying such an individual with vast quantities of eggs.
160. Uraraka: Stop writing up invoices to charge people. “A penny for your thoughts” is an expression, not permission to bill someone for listening to you.
161. Ashido: Stop trying to invent “break-your-bones dancing.” Midoriya does not need more ideas.
162. Don’t pretend Toga’s fooled you with her disguises just to give her misinformation to use when she tries to flirt with Midoriya. Even I’ll admit his reaction to “Bakugo” calling him by his actual name was pretty funny but quit while you’re ahead.
163. Just because you’re lesbians doesn’t mean you can carry swords with you to class, keep them in your rooms.
164. Iida: No modern slang for you. No exceptions.
165. Midoriya: Don’t let Monoma copy your Quirk again. Yes, he should learn his lesson after the first time, but we all know he’s stubborn enough to try again.
166. Yaoyorozu: Stop creating items that defy the natural order of physics.
167. No throwing bird seed at Tokoyami.
168. Tokoyami: Stop throwing cereal at people, it is not the logical retaliation.
169. Hagakure: Stop sneaking around to stand directly in front of people before going off like a flash bomb.
170. NEVER replace the normal coffee with decaf again.
171. Midoriya: I know you stay in contact with Melissa Shield, but you’re not allowed to accept whatever experimental gadgets she sends you. I can list half a dozen reasons for this, but the first and foremost one is this: Hatsume.
172. No using Bakugo as an air freshener, no matter how sweet he smells.
173. Todoroki: Stop talking about how “chemicals in the water are turning the frogs gay,” even the Americans know that conspiracy’s nuts.
174. Asui: Stop holding Pride Parades for Frogs in the school hallways, do that on your own time.
175. Koda: Stop bringing hordes of frogs into school for Asui’s Pride Parades.
176. Kaminari: I swear on all that is holy and many things that are not, if I see you eat another power cable like it’s spaghetti I will throw you through a window.
177. Ojiro: You may not crown yourself King of Normal by virtue of not being any of your classmates. Just hold an election, you’ll win anyways.
178. Stop spreading rumors about what Shoji’s face looks like. If he wants to keep it hidden that’s his business, just like how it’ll be his business if he bear hugs you all into a pulp for annoying him.
179. Tokoyami: Never laugh where I can see it ever again. I will have nightmares of that until my dying day.
180. Yaoyorozu: Stop handing out free spears. Why would you even do this in the first place?
181. Jiro: I don’t know if one of the other problem children influenced you or if you’re just now showing your true colors, but no using meme songs as your sonic attacks.
182. Kirishima: Stop trying to switch places with Tetsutetsu. I’m pretty sure you both know it’s not fooling anyone, but it’s still eerie how accurately he can copy your mannerisms.
183. Midoriya: KFC’s motto is not “finger breaking good,” even if you somehow did manage to break several fingers trying to find one in Japan.
184. Uraraka: Stop trying to trick your classmates into signing contracts to give you access to all their money. Also, tear up the contracts you already got signed.
185. Yaoyorozu: When you’re trying to warn a classmate about the beartrap you forgot about, it is not the time to try out a new language.
186. No trying to get Kaminari and Sato to overuse their Quirks and then pit them against each other in a Dumb-Off.
187. Stop throwing random demands at Bakugo to see if he’s talented at that too.
188. No trying to assassinate Bakugo because his wide variety of talents makes you feel inadequate.
189. Bakugo: No trying to counter-assassinate your classmates. We really don’t need to know if you’re talented at that too.
190. Shoji: No mouth-ception.
191. Midoriya: If you’re going to make a user’s manual for dealing with Bakugo, don’t tell him about it. Also, give me a copy.
192. Jiro: Stop validating Present Mic’s tastes in music.
193. Kirishima: Stop playing the Brick Game. I don’t care if it doesn’t hurt you or its unmanly to back out of a challenge, it’s still a bad idea.
194. Midoriya: If you have questions about your classmates, ask them. Don’t mastermind an elaborate series of plans to experiment on them without their knowledge, especially if you need to sign waivers to get the materials you need.
195. Ojiro: You know how to break bricks with your bare hands and Kirishima’s Quirk does make him brick-like, but that doesn’t mean you should try and see if you can break his arm in half.
196. Kirishima: Don’t challenge Ojiro to break your arm in half.
197. Hagakure is not a battle stripper, stop announcing her as one.
198. Stop making up English words to use in your essays. I may not be your English teacher, but I still know that contractions shouldn’t have more than one apostrophe, much less seventeen.
199. Stop trying to maneuver each other into relationships. There’s enough of you doing it that even Sir Nighteye couldn’t untangle the mess of plots. Just go on dates like normal(ish) people.
a. Stop trying to maneuver people who aren’t even in your class into relationships. Your class should be enough to occupy you.
200. These rules are already in effect. Exploding, melting, burning, electrifying, eating, or otherwise destroying this message will not get rid of them
With the final rule spoken, Iida collapsed to his knees gasping for air. He’d run out of breath only a few rules in, but his sheer devotion to the rules allowed him to power through until the job was done. The others would have found it impressive if they weren’t preoccupied with their own thoughts.
Midoriya was nearly catatonic from shock and had been ever since hearing rule 38. Bakugo was trembling with rage, which wasn’t really a change from usual. The rest of the class seemed both disappointed and contemplative.
“So what can we do?” Jiro asked.
The students were quiet for a moment as they thought.
“Arson?” Ashido suggested.
Sero stepped over Iida, who was now unconscious from the sudden influx of oxygen, and picked up the papers from where they’d fallen to the ground. He skimmed through them for a moment, then looked up. “The rules don’t say we can’t.”
There was a moment of silence as the students looked at each other.
Aizawa yawned widely, grabbing a mug full to the brim with coffee from his desk. He hadn’t slept so much as he’d taken several long blinks over the course of the night. Ah well, that was nothing unusual. He could always catch a nap later as long as the class wasn’t too rowdy. Hopefully the new rules would distract them from their usual shenanigans. He opened the door to his room and stepped outside.
What he found was chaos. The dorm was going up in flames, and his students actually seemed excited about it. No, more than that. They were ecstatic. Most of them he could see were cavorting around while chanting and laughing, each holding a burning torch and most missing their shirt, pants, or both. A maniacal laugh caught his attention just in time to see Shinso point a flamethrower into the air and pull the trigger, setting off a gout of flame. Behind him Aizawa could see Yaoyorozu pulling a second flamethrower out of her side to hand to Uraraka, who took it with all the glee of a child opening their first present on Christmas morning.
Through the gallivanting students strode Shoji, the others moving around him as if he were the eye of a hurricane. His many arms braced a stone platform on his back, atop which stood Todoroki. Todoroki’s left side was completely ablaze, with a cloak wrapped around his right side as if to hide it from sight and a strangely shaped black crown atop his head. He shouted something indistinguishable, far from his usual calm and reserved tone, which the students around him joyously echoed.
Somewhere in there Aizawa heard another yell, this one angry rather than excited, followed by an explosion and raucous cheering. Strips of Sero’s tape tangled the air above them like a spiderweb, fire spreading across them and sending down the occasional shower of sparks and ash as strips burned through. Flaming chunks of rubble floated through the air like balloons, one of which had Kirishima hanging off of it, fully hardened, blasting his own flamethrower, and laughing like a loon.
Overseeing this all stood a tall pole, with the unconscious form of Iida tied to the top of it like an effigy of some ancient god, or perhaps an offering to one. The only person who didn’t seem to be participating was Midoriya, who was standing stock still off to the side, staring silently into space as if he’d witnessed a great horror.
Aizawa stared at this for a few moments in utter silence, then shut his door again. He put the coffee mug back on his desk before picking up an identical mug that was sitting beside it, this one full of vodka. He took a deep swig, his eyes not moving from the door as if he could still see through it to the madness outside. He would have cried, but his tear ducts had long since run dry.
Nezu doesn’t pay me enough for this shit.