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The Thing I Hate About You

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I've already told you a thousand times,

Perhaps you'll listen if it rhymes?

Move your Quidditch gear off the floor,

Or you won't own it anymore!

Instead you'll just own rips and slashes,

Or perhaps, a pile of ashes.




F or the last time

U nbunch your pants

C hildren whine less than you

K indly mind your own business

O n my side of the room

F loor can be messy

F loor is mine



S haring a room means we both contribute

H ow about we have a chat?

A nd perhaps come to an understanding?

R ules could be discussed

I ncluded with this note are suggestions

N ote the inclusion of:

G et your shit off the floor



U nlike you, I don't have a stick up my arse

R eally, it must be so far up in there

A ll you do is scowl at me

D raco, chill the fuck out

I don't know what you problem is

C an you please leave me alone

K, bye



An Ode to Dicks

You've said that I'm a dick

I'll take that as a compliment

For without the noble dong

Humanity would soon be gone

There'd be no mothers up the duff

No fathers left to knock them up

People would stop procreating

Pointless, fruitless, copulation

Nothing left but humping dry

I think that I would rather die

Cos though my love of girls is true

I’ll admit a love for all dicks too

Solid, probing, lovely cocks

Keep them coming lots and lots

I've no issue being called a dick

A bell-end, knob-head or a prick

Perhaps I'll call you something too

Something honest, real and true

Perhaps "wanker" would be a fit

Certainly seems appropriate

Considering your nocturnal fun

Almost every night, (each one!)

And you may ask how I know this

It's cos your silence charms are shit

So, see, I know you love a dick

At least your own, The Chosen Prick

Nice try, Potter, but I'm not vexed

Choose a better insult next



You want to talk dicks

Like them in your arse, perhaps?

Join the fucking club



Although I feel honoured, yes

You chose to share with me

The epic tale of your arse

And divergent sexuality


I didn't need any EVIDENCE

You unbelievable heathen

Your dick up his arse on my bed

I could've done without seeing


Do yourself, and me, a favour

Or I'll punch you so hard in the face

Do your dirty work elsewhere

And never again in this space


And you can fucking tell Blaise

I'm not his friend anymore

Because we had an agreement

And he broke it - bloody whore


And honestly, Potter, really,

I'm sure you can do better than him

All he cares about is protein shakes

And 'hitting it' at the gym



Blaise does have protein on the brain

That's how his muscles all sustain

Big long meat-probes

Salty come-loads

He likes it twice, then twice again



I'm well aware of Blaise's kinks

His appetites and thirsts

Yes, you're flavour of the week

But you were not his first



Oh wow, jealous much?

That perhaps you've been replaced?

Cry into your shoes



Not at all, you fool

He's no sense of commitment

And terrible taste



Oh, so it's me then,

That's got inside you head?

Malfoy, dearest , really,

You know, you could've said.

Instead of simply dreaming,

Of me inside your bed.



Oh, of course, Potter,

My loins are all aflame

Douse my dick with water

Or kill me - it's the same


I burn, I pine, I perish

I exist for only you

I love you, need you, oh baby

Oh baby, it's all true


So cast your Blaise asunder

And say you love me more

But most important, dearest

Why’s there tea cups on the floor?



There's a party tomorrow at the pub

It's the only reason I cleaned up



Lord, if you're hooking up with him again

Or perhaps some slattern witch

Could you please not do it in our room?

Go fuck on the Quidditch pitch!



Instead of whinging, come with me

I'm pretty sure that they serve tea

Pack your slippers up, old man

I'll teach you to have fun again



I'm sorry I was in a mood

I'm sorry that I ate your food

I'm sorry that I mocked your mate

I'm sorry that I punched your date

I'm sorry you invited me

I'm sorry that we had to leave

I'm sorry I spewed on your coat

I'm sorry, so I left this note



Are you sorry for anything else?

Can you remember what you said?

Because I can't forget.

Your confession’s like a spider’s web

It's stuck inside my head.



Can we please forget that bit?

I think I feel enough like shit



Did you mean it?

Or did I dream it?



I am not a liar

I am an idiot, though

I can't take it back

So can we let it go?

(I'd appreciate as well

If no one else could know)



Fuck everyone else

I want you to talk to me

Can we just be real?



I’ve languished in a constant state of dread

And looked uncounted days upon your hair

There lives two truths of you I wish were dead

One's that you hate me, two is my despair

My tongue will tell the anger of my heart

And rage against this curse of mine, the pain

The turmoil you have made, and not took part

Each glance you give me rips my breast again

So sit me here to bleed among the waste

As I'm the one in love, you see, a fool

For loving one so deep among distaste

I think I hate the most, myself, not you

Are you the weakness in my very heart?

Or was I weak right from the very start?



Well, fuck - isn't that a piece of luck

Finally, your tongue's unstuck

I definitely do not hate your arse

Our room, tonight, after class

We best not fuck this up