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Detectives on the Job

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It was a nice, sunny day in Austin, Texas.

Detective Tapp was sent to the summer county fair to scope out the pie-eating contest. He was warned of a pie that needed to be removed from the area or someone could get hurt. It could be just a bad pie, or made with illegal ingredients, or worse. Poisoned.

Detective Tapp kept his cool while walking around the fair, the sun shining off his bald head. He was undercover, so he wasn't in his usual orange and purple accented suit. He instead had on a Spyro t-shirt, shorts and black sneakers with orange and purple shoelaces.

As Tapp was enjoying the sights and the wonders of the county fair, he bumped into someone whilst distracted.

"Ey! Watch where you're going, pal!" he exclaimed, his strong Boston accent carrying through. "People today got no respect for the law-er, us law-abiding citizens."

"Well, I could say the same for you, Tapp. No respect from you. Going on undercover missions without me."

Tapp quickly looked up to see someone he hoped to avoid today.

Detective Roger Davis.

Tapp facepalmed and sighed heavily. "Fucking hell. Hi, Davis."

"That's DeTECTIVE Roger Davis to you. But, I'm also looking for the pie of doom. That's what I called it, heh-heh. It's catchy, isn't it?"

Roger Davis was also in undercover clothes, but he wore a grey Diet Coke shirt, dad jeans and white sneakers. And matching his shirt, he had a can of Diet Coke in his hands. Instead of aviators to look cool like Tapp, Roger Davis had on a red cap to block his eyes from the sun.

"God damn it, Roger Davis. The Tapp-meister works alone. What the hell are you doing here?!" the bald one groaned.

"Look, I don't appreciate you going off to do shit without me. We're supposed to be partners and-"

"I said I work alone. Why doesn't the agency get that? I told them that when they hired me, and they still manage to pair me up with the most annoying detective around!"

Detective Roger Davis gave Tapp a hug, but it was an inescapable, tight hug.

"Aw, come on. You don't mean that! DeTECTIVE Roger Davis is never annoying. I get the job done. And now, we can get it done together. Now, let's find the pie eating contest and have ourselves a look see at these pies."

"I would...if I could breathe...Let me go, ya idiot!"

Roger Davis let his partner go and finished his can of Diet Coke. "Gotta love Diet Coke in the summertime."

"You're weird."

"And you're too serious about work, but we're gonna fix that today. Let's start looking."

They went all around the county fair, trying various foods (and also recording each other trying them for the first time. Tapp loosened up a bit and that made Roger Davis happy.) listening to music and looking at the animals. By the time they were done, the pie-eating contest was about to begin.

"Ey, Roger Davis, look 'ere. There's a contest for growing the largest watermelon. We're getting closer to the pies." Tapp pointed out. But his supposed partner was nowhere to be seen. "Mother f- Roger Davis? Where the hell did you go? The pie-eating contest is about to start!"

"Tapp! Come on! Let's line up to get on the Ferris Wheel! I bet we can see the pie-sabtoeur from way up high." Roger Davis waved to his friend from the line.

Tapp threw his head back and groaned. "No! Get over here! The damn stall is close by!" he said in a stage whisper and pointing in front of him.

Roger Davis didn't move.

"Davis! Get over- Oh, my God. I can't believe this guy. Fuck it. Whatever. I didn't ask for his damn help, anyway. He ruins everything with his dumb catchphrases and always having to emphasize his name. Tapp doesn't have to do such a thing." he grumbled, walking towards the pie-eating contest tables. Pies were lined up on two separate tables, and the contestants each standing behind one pie. Detective Tapp examined the situation and decided the best thing to do was to tell the person running the event about what's going on.

"Excuse me, sir." Tapp cleared his throat and tapped the host on the shoulder. The jolly looking man turned around, twisting his handlebar mustache and straightening his tie. For a contest where you have to be messy, he was sure dressed to the nines for some odd reason.

"Oh, hello there! How can I help you? My name is Geoff and the best event in the whole damn county fair is about to begin! If you'd like to watch, just take a few steps back. I don't want pie crusts flying and hitting people in the face. These guys don't play when it comes to competitions." he winked and chuckled.

Detective Tapp pulled out his badge. "My name is Detective Tapp, first name is not important. I was sent here because one of your pies is not good and you need to get rid of it immediately. Someone is trying to poison the competition. Can't even have wholesome pie contests anymore without someone trying to be a wise guy and ruining it for everybody. What I would suggest you do sir, is cancel the event and send everyone on their way."

"Cancel the event?! Fuck that! I've been practicing for weeks now! You're full of shit!" a contestant with curly red hair and glasses stood up in a rage. A slightly taller man, with a rather long nose, helped to sit the man in a rage down.

"Micool boi, it's okay. If it's for the best, and they have to cancel it, we'll just come back next year."

"Bull shit, Gavin!" 'Micool' yelled.

"You two, shut the fuck up! I'm trying to settle something here!" Geoff sighed, then turned back to the detective. "Well, shit, dude. Who told you about one of our pies being poisoned or some shit?"

"I have my sources that I cannot tell youse because of reasons." Tapp replied. "But you've gotta call the event off before someone eats it and things go south for the winter, pal."

"Who would do that to us? And which one of us would they sabotage?" Geoff thought.

"Hey, Sherlock. Where's your Holmes?" Michael laughed. Gavin sighed, but chuckled along with his friend.

"He's being an idiot and having fun instead of solving the case with me." Tapp put his badge away and pulled out a small notepad and pencil from his back pocket. "Lemme see, who's the best here at eating pies?"

Michael slyly raised his hand. "That would be me. I won last year and the year before that. Went on a big diet earlier this year, but I told myself I had to keep my title so I'm competing on my cheat day. It'll buff out in the end."

"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And who else is competing against you today?" Tapp asked, taking notes.

"This asshole over here is Gavin." Michael smacked him in the back of the head, which let out a yell from his friend. He then pointed to everyone else. "Then we have Jack, Alfredo, Steffie and Larry. Larry wasn't originally going to compete, but then someone couldn't make it and we had to sub. 6 competitors, 6 pies, one winner. Me."

Tapp was about to ask another question but he felt a buzz coming from his cell phone. Answering it, he could see it was from Detective Roger Davis. Tapp just rolled his eyes, but answered the call, anyway. "What the fuck do you want? I thought you were havin' such a good ol' la-dee-da time without me."

"Tapp, you gotta listen to me, pal. I'm at the top of the Ferris Wheel and I have been for a while now because the damn thing is stuck. Someone knows I'm here and they're fucking with me. But, I see someone dressed all in black like a ninja, hiding behind the watermelon crates with a slingshot and a giant ball they just put inside it. You'd better duck or try to catch that thing because this dude is trying to take us out." Detective Roger Davis warned.

"Are you going mad right now?"

"Well, some people tell me that I might be-"

"Look. Call me when something serious is happening. I can't help you right now. I'm trying to get some clues about this case. And you're just being-"

"DUCK, TAPP! DUCK!"

Detective Tapp ducked and just in time. A moonball came whizzing by and conked Gavin on the head, landing him head first into his pie.

"Oh shit! Gavin! My boi!" Michael gasped and picked Gavin's head up. Gavin was out cold. He glared at the Detective. "Tapp! Find the fucker and make them pay for hurting my friend!" He then got hit with a moonball and fell into his own pie. More and more moonballs fly and take out the contestants, unconscious in the pies.

"This is serious, dudes! I had no idea! Tapp, you'd better-" Geoff couldn't finish his sentence because another moonball came flying and conked him on the head.

"Shit! Roger Davis-"

"DeTECTIVE Roger Davis-"

"What-the-fuck-ever! People are getting knocked out over here! What's going on from up there?! We might need to work together after all."

Roger Davis looked down to see the strange man getting ready to fire another moonball at the contestants, and another man in all black ninja attire jumping to the pie area and taking out a vial to pour something into one of the pies.

"TAPP! TURN AROUND! SOMEONE'S GONNA POISON THE PIE!"

"Like hell! Tapp attac!"

He turns around and quickly drop kicks the saboteur before he can open the vial. "Davis- And don't you dare correct me! Call the police!"

"I already did. They're pulling up right now. I'm gonna get this ball throwing asshole, though. He's aiming for me. I'll be right back."

"Dav- Hello? Hello??" Tapp hangs up in annoyance. He looks at the vial that's now on the floor. It wasn't poison at all. But it was hot sauce! One of the hottest in the state. "What the f...? It wasn't poison? Tapp spent all this time for hot sauce? Detective Tapp needs a new profession. I'm getting too old for this bullshit. Now, let's see who this guy is." Tapp starts to unmask the stranger as Geoff comes to. As soon as Geoff sees the hair, he gasps.

"Matt Bragg?! What the fuck, dude?!" Geoff exclaims.

Matt was dressed all in black, but still had the Rogue streak in his hair. He looked at his broken glasses on the floor. "Oh, god damn it! You broke my glasses, you bald asshole! Now I gotta get new ones."

"You're not getting a damn thing until you explain to me why you were going to pour...hot sauce...in the pies." Tapp questioned.

Matt just sighed. "Look. The Fake AH Crew in a pie-eating contest? No one is gonna watch that. So, I decided to try to spice it up a little bit. Literally. If I put hot sauce in the pies, they'd run around and scream in agony, trying to find water and shit. People might actually come and watch. It would've been funny!"

"So...why did intel mention poison to me?"

"How the fuck should I know? I don't have poison! Whoever sends you missions needs to do better research."

"Fuck you, Bragg!" Geoff flipped him off.

"Tapp agrees with the sentiment." Tapp joined in as two birds were flipped in Matt's direction.

Matt just rolled his eyes. "Well, excuse me for trying to bring some entertainment to this boring as hell county fair."

"So, can you tell me who was throwing these things at everyone? Or will I have to knock you out again?" Detective Tapp held out his fist.

Matt flinched in horror. "No! No, no, no. I'll tell, I'll tell. It was my partner, Trevor. He's good with a slingshot. Combine that with a moonball and you're set to-" Matt found himself on the floor seconds later, knocked out by a moonball.

"What...the fuck?" Geoff muttered.

"Hey, Tapp! Got something for ya!"

It was Roger Davis, pushing the other ninja-clothed person towards the pie eating area. "Here's the asshole who tried to hit me with a ball."

Tapp looked back at the firefighters safely escorting people out of the Ferris Wheel, then quickly looked back at the other detective. "How the fuck did you get down?!"

"Well, there's a reason why the bouncy castle is out of order now." Roger Davis shrugged sheepishly.

"What the fuck? YOU JUMPED?!"

"Yep! And it was fun, too! Have you ever jumped inside of a bouncy castle? You'll feel young again. You'll want to quote all the latest memes about barrel rolls and letting dogs out."

"Oh, God. Please don't..." Tapp face-palmed and shook his head in embarrassment. "How the hell did this idiot get hit with a moonball if you found the guy that did it?"

"I made him hit his own partner or I'd kill him." Roger Davis announced proudly.

"You are fucking weird." Geoff points out.

"Tapp has to work with the guy. How do you think he feels?" Tapp says, talking in the third person.

"Hi. Uhh...I'm sorry for hitting your friends. Matt said I'd get paid if I did it. I hit his desk at work with these moonballs a lot, so he decided it would be best to take my skills somewhere else. I didn't think he meant doing this, though." Trevor said, feeling a little guilty about what he'd done.

"You've done fucked up is what you've done, my friend." Tapp said.

"I did what you said. You have to let me live now." Trevor looked at Roger Davis, trying to be brave.

"You're lucky the police are almost here because DeTECTIVE Roger Davis doesn't let the guilty parties roam free. I clean the streets." the detective says menacingly.

"Yeah, but blood isn't that good of a cleaner, now is it?" Tapp mutters.

Sure enough, the police arrive and arrest the two idiots for trying to make a pie eating contest more interesting.

"Well, that's another case solved thanks to Detective Tapp. The Tapp always gets his man, and also gives a good kick to the head if you deserve it." Tapp proclaims as Roger Davis clears his throat.

"Excuse me. But if it wasn't for me, you would've missed some important stuff. You needed me. Go on. Say it." Detective Roger Davis looked smug.

Tapp rubbed his bald head and sighed. "D-Detective Roger Davis..." he held out his hand for the other detective to shake. "You've done good today, pal. Uh, thank you."

"I think I've made a friend outta you yet." Roger Davis smirked. "Now, what do you say we enjoy more of the county fair?"

"Nah, I've had enough of this place. Tapp wants to tap on a keyboard, hide from civilization and play some video games. You wanna join me?"

"DeTECTIVE Roger Davis would be honored to join you for some gaming."

As the two detectives walked away to plan the rest of their day, and the pie-eating contestants were waking up, all Geoff could do was shake his head.

"If those two dumbasses are detectives, I'd hate to see them as police officers or we're all fucked."