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Our Heartbeats Becoming Slow

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It had been a rough few weeks. Of course your fiances knew, nothing could get past the all-knowing Dazai Osamu and Nakahara Chuuya was nothing if not observant. Your babies knew you much more than you thought, but they waited until you came to them; they knew you liked your space and would conceal yourself if questioned.


So they waited.


It blew up when you had the day off but they didn't. Chuuya, being the Port Mafia boss, needed to be at work; Dazai never cared about the paperwork and would rather stay back with you, the air was tight with thorns. However, you didn't think you could handle the weight of having others around you - especially your fiances. They'd seen you like this before and although they'd been there for you the entire time, you couldn't stop the thought that you were just too heavy of a burden on them.


Raising on your tiptoes, you planted a kiss on the brunette’s cheek and offered a bright smile with weighted eyes. Lightening flickered in the hazel eyes and fingers brushed over your jawline - almost enough to break your facade. No! They deserved better than that. You could feel the metal inside you pulling you down and twisting itself in your gut. Instead, you distracted yourself with the silky locks before you.


“I'll be fine. You should go before you're late.” Your voice was oddly soft, almost a wisp of syllables.


Dazai could conceal their face when necessary, but they didn't like doing it in front of you. They hated it. Dazai missed that smile that tugged the edges of your lips up into the loveliest arch the world could provide, wanted to see it for real: shining eyes and blushing cheeks. Their fingers brushed over your cheek before burying in your hair to pull you closer and place a kiss against your forehead.  


“I love you.” The words brushed over your hairline and had your eyes tearing up, chest clenching unbearably tight. Those words weren't uttered often, not from Dazai. They used their actions to show affections, not fond of words. This meant they knew something was wrong and ached for you to open up, to trust .


The problem was that you did trust Dazai. You did. But you couldn't bear the thought of burdening them with your worries, your insecurities. Not after everything they'd done to protect and care for you, it was verging ungrateful territory and that was no way to repay them.


Swallowing the lump in your throat, you pulled back from the weaving fingers to push the taller towards the door, not trusting yourself to keep it together for much longer. “Go now, go go. You have to go to work. I hate it when Kunikida-san calls.” You let a light tease lift to the air and you see the softening of Dazai’s tense shoulders.


“Everyone hates it when Kunikida-kun calls~.” You gift them with a light smile, eyes softening as you watch the detective before you. You loved them, oh how you loved them. Dazai had changed so much in the past few years, so so much. They deserved better.


The dark thought flew through your mind and seized your heart and throat. Opening the door, you ruffle the chocolate curls to keep a semblance of the light air, to convince Osamu to just leave before you broke down. Hazel irises meet yours and another kiss is planted to your forehead. Security envelops you and opens your airways - if only momentarily. Your hands had found their way to bandaged forearms as you lean into the affection, hearing what was unsaid and sealing every single emotion in your heart.


“Call me, anytime. Hear me?” Their tone is soft but there's an underlying note you catch and it reminds you that you'd been nothing but a struggle for the past few days. It eats at your mind. Looking into dark eyes, you nod in understanding and before you know it, they had walked out of the house. With shaking hands, you shut the door.  


Numbly you rest your head against the wood for a few moments before turning to walk back to the bedroom.


And then it hits you. Your knees buckle, your chest seizing in trembles, your throat spasming with a hurt you can't describe. One hand fell to the floor to catch you, while the other is resting over your neck. Tears have decided to drape over your cheeks, caress your jawline where fingers once were. It hurt . Everything hurt .


Why had you let them walk out the door once more? You were shivering against your collapsed legs and your throat felt raw in the worst way.




Dazai narrowed their eyes at the closed door, taking soft steps down the porch until they stood before the car. Their feet were dragging, and not in the way they usually did before work. A head of curls shook before a cell phone was pulled out and the person they would need in a few minutes dialed.


The call is answered on the first ring and Dazai’s  internally grateful for the change in their relationship. “Baby. We need you to come home.” There's an edge in Dazai’s voice, a soft edge Chuuya hadn't heard often. The call ends and Dazai places the phone back in the pants pocket before turning back to the house.




The colors of the living room blur together and your hand has now tightened around your burning throat. It isn't until you see the furniture trembling that you realize the burning has arose from your sobs. You can feel your entire being fall apart and you're seconds from dissipating completely before it all disappears.


The furniture and decor stops shaking around you and the earth shattering weight lessens as arms encircle you. You know this feeling, this peace. It's a reason why you'd fallen for them in the first place.


Unable to gather the strength to push Dazai away, your body melts into the hold as bandaged arms pull you into a lap, dropping your head into the crook of their neck as hands roam your body soothingly. Tears continue to fall, your body continues to shake, and your sobs continue to sound in the room.


“It’s going to be okay baby. It's okay. I've got you.” The voice pulls you from your inner turmoil and your body shakes at the sound waves that reach your ears, sound waves that you lose yourself to. Gradually, the hand at your throat loosens and falls to your lap. Whimpers have started to fall from your lips, an ache settling everywhere inside you. You want to move, want to fold yourself closer to the brunette but your body seems completely outside of yourself, unable to sense the commands coming from your brain.


The arms at your waist rearrange to your hips as Dazai shifts you to your side before hooking an arm under your knees and lifts you. Shivering, you cry into their shoulder as you’re taken to the bedroom. Sliding under the blankets you’re placed on top of them before being covered up. The comforter is a heavy weight, but a pleasant one - a safe one. The warmth is enough to soothe your trembling legs and it's not too long before you can move them enough to curl on top of Dazai.


Your hands become yours not long afterwards and you immediately grip the shirt under you as soft shakes work through your body. The entire ordeal has worn you out - hiding everything from your beloveds, trying to control your thoughts, pushing your insecurities to the forefront of your mind unconsciously.


You need to rest, can feel it in your bones but there's something missing, just one thing you need before you can give into the abyss calling for you. You aren't sure of what that is, and it scares you. Soft wails leave your mouth, muffled by the neck you're buried into and fingers weave through your hair as Dazai croons soothingly. It does little to calm the fear that the thing you need isn't near and--


And then it is. You sense it before you feel it and all at once you're crying again. Too many emotions are confiscating your body and it's overwhelming. The shaking in your body starts all over again, the fingers in your hair doing little to calm when what you need is close and yet so far away .


And then it isn't far away. And then it's right next to you. Then you're shifted into another lap and you feel your exhaustion seep from your bones as the scent of lavender, cinnamon, and honey breeches your senses. You grip the soft shirt in your hands and a nuzzle is administered to your neck that you whine at.


Mon cherie ,” There’s a low growl in the words that you feel in your veins, a growl that lulls your shot nerves into submission as you curl into the body under you. Another set of hands runs along your legs and you whine loudly at the need coursing through you: the need to be close .


In the next instant, you're on your side and there's strong arms wrapping around you from behind as lanky legs twine with yours and fingers roam in your hair. Security and warmth envelops you, an essence you craved like a body needs oxygen.


“Go to sleep, kitten. You're safe.” The words ghost over your cheek before lips press against it and you're unable to resist. Sinking into the bodies around you, you're finally able to find rest.




Azure eyes burn into chocolate. “How bad?”


There's an unspoken concern in those dark eyes and Chuuya’s given the answer he needs. He hates how you kept everything buried deep inside, only to burst forward in an earthquake of emotions.


He could empathize with your situation: your gift only amplified your emotions until it boiled forward with enough power to almost shatter your conscious. Your body released overwhelming amounts of energy that could have any object tremble and move with a mere thought.  


It was when you would break that the energy would consume you and put tremendous strain on your brain as well as your bones and muscles. Your gift could kill you.


The way Corruption could kill Chuuya. Worry settled deep in ocean eyes as he turned them on Dazai.


He ached for you, wanted to shield you from any and every thing. His fingers had begun rubbing your stomach, a reminder you had made it through this time. Biting his lip, he looked away as tears stung his eyes. Nimble fingers brushing over his cheek break him and he leans into the offered affection with a hunger he hadn't known he had been hiding.


“This has gone on for long enough.” His voice broke on the last few words and he met resolved hazels.




When you wake, espresso curls are draped over a white pillow, soft hazel eyes hidden behind closed eyelids. The heavier breaths hit Dazai’s neck and those irises open with concern. A smile is given to you - a smile you'd recklessly do anything to see again.


“Hey love.” There was no nickname, no jest. The stunning peace that came with Dazai’s touch was calling for you and you found your hand reaching up to frame the gorgeous face before you.


Regret simmered in your stomach. You'd worried them, forced them to stay out of work, kept them when they deserved to be let go. “I'm sorry…” You whispered in the too silent room. Belatedly you realized the body behind you was missing and you bit your lip as you looked down with tears stinging behind your eyelids. How dare you be selfish?


“No, I'm sorry. I should've talked to you about this sooner. Instead, we let you get steadily worse under our eyes. It's not...not good.” The words force your head to jerk back to the detective with glassy eyes. No, no you don't understand…


You shake your head, unable to speak past the lump in your throat.


And then hands slide onto your waist and you relax into the grip. Selfish . The word snatches all warmth from you and you curl into Dazai’s body as sobs fall through your lips again.


“Baby.” The word sounds from behind you and you shake at the tones. You're shaking your head, trying to get rid of the thoughts flying through your mind: thoughts that you weren't what was best for them, thoughts that you couldn't possibly give them what they needed and today proved that.


All at once, you’re looking into stormy blue eyes as hands rest in your hair. Unable to meet those azures you look away. But Chuuya was never one that took kindly to being ignored. Three fingers under your chin and you're being guided back to those startlingly bright eyes.


“Let us take care of you.” Your body has begun shaking again and your thighs tighten around Chuuya’s hips as you cover your face in your hands.


“I c-can't!” Your teeth rattle and the lamp on the nightstand trembles along with you. “Y-You both deserve better..”


A low growl sounds before kisses are placed to the back of your hands, fingers wrapping around your wrists. “You don't get….to say...what I deserve.” The words are imprinted behind lips that roam your shaking arms. It's too much and you're wailing with broken sobs again.


You're unaware of the mattress shifting next to you as Dazai’s hands settle over your hips and kisses are placed to your back. “Let us love you.” The detective etches the command into your skin and you shiver at the vibrations settling into your veins.


“I-I’m selfish, you need someone who…who’s going able to let you go…” you choke out behind sobs.


Movement stills behind you. “Love is selfish. Love never lets you go, just as you can never leave love.” Every thought is crumbling under their words, every insecurity and every ache is soothed by their presence, hands, acknowledgement. It's so much and yet not enough . “So if you've said you're selfish...that means you love us. Allow us to be selfish too, ____.”


Fight leaves you as you drop forward onto Chuuya’s shoulder. “Let us love you, too.” The words are lulled out through thick syllables as Chuuya presses kisses into your hair.


“You’ve buried so much from us, not wanting to trouble or cause worry. It's considerate, caring. However,” There’s a darker note in the brunette’s words that has you needing to reach back for them - show you're still here. “We want to worry. We want you to lean on us. We want you to tell us everything that goes through that pretty little head of yours. We need you to come to us. Because we care .”


“We love you, ____.”


You're gasping in air as if you hadn't received it for ages - and maybe you haven't. Your fists are clenched in Chuuya’s shirt, your thighs clenching together as you curl in on your fiances. For the first time that morning you notice the flicker of all three silver bands in the light. The fingers around your wrists, the hand at your hip.


You all had come far, very far from the beginning of this relationship four years ago. And yet, there was still much to learn.


And so you think that maybe, just maybe one day you can believe you're not too heavy. Just maybe two people could hold you up when you couldn't fight anymore. Just maybe….you could fully allow them inside.

The thought runs through your veins like oxygen, molding into your brain and coating your nerves with a cooling essence only this could give. You’re looking forward to that moment.