[The following is a transcript taken from a live show of the comedy podcast My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era.]
Justin McElroy: Griffin, can I get a Yahoo?
Griffin McElroy: Sure thing, lemme just-
Justin: BOOP A DUPE BOOP-A-BOOP-A-DUPE-A-DUPE-A-DUPE [the crowd cheers]
Travis McElroy: It’s a Haunted Doll Watch!
Justin: It is! It’s a Haunted Doll Watch! [crowd cheers louder]
Griffin: For our poor, confused first time listeners-
Travis: Sucks to be you!
Griffin: -this is a segment-
Justin: A podcast within a podcast, if you will.
Griffin: -wherein my brother finds motherfucking haunted dolls on freakin’ EBAY.
Travis: And somebody in the audience is probably gonna buy it! I see that phone light, you can’t hide from me! Actually, you can hide, we can’t see for shit up here.
Griffin: Just the way I like it.
Justin: ANYway, this one is a long one, so hang on to your hats, boys. This is, here’s the listing, get ready for a trip, because this is just the listing. “HAUNTED KEN DOLL SEEKS GAY OWNER”
Justin: I’m not done. “Haunted Ken Doll Seeks Gay Owner.” In parentheses: “Lesbian or bi okay too”
Travis: So, wait, does the bi owner have to be with someone of the same sex?
Griffin: Travis, are you missing the part where it’s a haunted Ken doll? We’re not talking the normal porcelain Victorian creepy thing, this doll is plastic.
Justin: [Justin clears his throat, speaking over Griffin] “This limited edition Ken doll is a collectible in its own right, but as it is currently possessed by the spirit of my late uncle”
Griffin: What the fuck. What the fuck?
Justin: “I am selling it at a SIGNIFICANT discount.” By the way, it’s still thirty bucks.
Travis: How much do you hate your uncle that his ghost makes a doll cheaper?
Justin: “BUYER BEWARE, if you buy this doll, you MUST help my uncle’s spirit move on. He WILL trash your place unless you are legitimately intending to help.”
Travis: Oh, okay. But you know someone’s gonna be a dick out there and just take the discount.
Justin: This thing is long, can you hold the interruptions. “My uncle Joey was a wonderful gay man who bought many copies of this limited edition Magic Earring Ken Doll back in the nineties. Sadly, when he recently passed away, his spirit was unable to move on and has taken up residence in one of the dolls.”
Griffin: I just googled “Magic Earring Ken Doll,” and holy shit, this doll is Guy Fieri’s gay son. Look at it! If I was a dead gay guy, I would totally inhabit this doll.
Travis: Wait, that one’s being sold for thirty dollars too!
Griffin: Yeah, but it’s out of the box.
Justin: Boys, we have barely reached the frosted tips of this iceberg. “He has communicated to me via visions that he is unable to move on without experiencing love. Unfortunately”
Travis: Unfortunately, I ain’t gonna fuck my uncle’s doll.
Justin: “Unfortunately, Uncle Joey’s best friend and first and only love passed away when I was still a kid, before my uncle could ever confess his feelings.” UM. Does Uncle Joey realize they’re both dead now? Does he not get that the fastest way to solve his problem is to move the hell on and get ghost banging?
Travis: I think he is afraid to move THE HELL on. I mean, what if they wind up in different ones?
Griffin: What if there’s no fucking in Heaven?
Travis: WHAT IF THERE’S NO FUCKING IN HEAVEN, he can’t bone down when he ain’t got no bones.
Justin: “Uncle Joey says he needs to experience true gay love at least once, even just vicariously, before he can be freed from this mortal coil.”
Griffin: UM, I’m sorry to break the news to you, but I think your uncle’s ghost really wants to perve on someone?
Travis: Can you imagine bringing your Grindr date home and trying to be all, “No, no, please ignore the weird nineties Ken doll on my pillow, it’s okay, he just likes to watch!”
Justin: “I’ve tried to help him as best as I’m able, but, as I am entirely uninterested in romance, he needs better help than I can offer. I’ve tried leaving him” [Justin’s voice rises with incredulity] “outside gay clubs in the hopes something will take, but he always reappears back home.”
Travis: Wait, how many of these dolls did they say their uncle bought? Could they maybe just be abandoning a bunch of different dolls?
Justin: “EACH TIME, I’ve heard reports of the club being especially rowdy that night or even FULL OF ORGIES.”
Travis: Is this a haunted fuck doll?
Griffin: It’s a haunted-as-FUCK fuck doll!
Justin: Yeah, so, buy my uncle’s spirit, he makes orgies appear.
Griffin: For thirty dollars? I mean, I’m a married boy with a lady wife, but now I’m tempted just for the business opportunities. Can you imagine the matchmaking service you could run with this? Holy shit.
Justin: “In his quest for love, Uncle Joey has attracted some unwanted attention, including investigation by the FBI ”
Travis: [high-pitched] Whaaaaat???
Justin: “so he might be lying low for a little while, spiritually. I haven’t seen him since, but I know he’s still in there.”
Griffin: Is this the orgy disclaimer? Orgies not guaranteed because FBI?
Travis: Oh my god, they really were the Federal Booty Investigators all along.
Griffin: The Front-Butt Investigators
Travis: Thank you, Ditto, the Front-Butt Investigators.
Justin: And then there’s an addendum there! “People have asked about the FBI thing. Basically, they started investigating the orgies”???
Griffin: Oh my god.
Justin: “and they saw my uncle’s ghost”???
Travis: What were they doing at the orgy?
Griffin: Oh, I dunno, Trav, what is anyone doing at an orgy.
Justin: “They followed the doll back to my house and told me they were there to help release his spirit-” Pretty sure that’s what the orgies were for, buddy “-but they wanted to burn the doll to do it. Uncle Joey loved his collectible Ken dolls, so I really didn’t want to let them, but then-” holy shit, I really gotta read ahead on these things “-one of the FBI agents revealed himself to me as an angel.”
Travis: He was an agent in the outfield?
Travis: No, no, an agent in the out fieldwork!
Justin: “I know he was an angel, because he healed my astigmatism”??? Sure. Hey, one sec. [Justin leans away from his microphone and yells off-stage] Hey, Syd? Hun? Can angels cure astigmatism? Yeah, angels! [Justin leans back in] My doctor wife says no. Shortest Sawbones episode ever. Anyway: “He promised Uncle Joey would go to Heaven, but Uncle Joey was still too nervous to leave. In the end, I gave the angel and his two FBI agents one of the other dolls to burn. Since then, I’ve kept him in the house, but Uncle Joey still needs to vicariously live out his dream. So, please, if you’re a gay or bi man (though I guess a lesbian might work too) and you’re in love with your best friend, please please PLEASE buy my uncle’s doll before you confess your same sex attraction. I really think it’ll give him the courage to move on.”
Travis: So, wait. Does Uncle Joey want to experience love, or does he want a life coach?
Travis: Excuse me, an afterlife coach to teach him how to score with his dead friend before he reunites with said dead friend? Because now it’s sounding like he wants a coach. Like maybe to lead by example.
Griffin: Are we just skipping over the part where a literal angel works for the FBI? Because that is peak Illuminati, my dudes.
Justin: Our seller concludes: “It might take a little while for Uncle Joey to manifest again after the FBI scare, but PLEASE don’t give up on him OR misuse him. He was a super awesome guy while he was alive, and I just want him to find happiness.” Aww. Well that’s… something.
Griffin: Okay, what I want to know-
Griffin: What I want to know is, which one of you deranged fucks in the audience just bought this doll? [scattered Woo’ing through the crowd]
Travis: Because we know somebody just did.
[a distant male voice shouts]
[distant male voice shouts again]
Justin: Okay, but you’re in gay love, right?
[distant yet distinct female voice shouts: He SUPER is!]
[loud Woo’ing and applause throughout cloud]
Griffin: Oh my god, when you get this thing, you have to write in.
Travis: And let us know if the FBI show up to your orgy.
Griffin: That too! Okay, we’re gonna be taking questions from the audience now. When the house lights go up, if we call your name…
[the following is a transcript from a recorded episode of the comedy podcast My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era.]
Justin: BOOP-OOP-A-BOOP-A-DUPE-A-DUPE-A-DUPE-BOOP! It’s a Haunted Doll Watch, folks!
Justin: But it’s a very special Haunted Doll Watch. This is, in fact, our very first second-parter… Two-parter Doll Watch! Now, some of our listeners may remember a certain haunted Ken doll from- Wait, have we posted the live show yet?
Griffin: Yeah, that went up two weeks ago.
Justin: Awesome. If you’re confused, uhhh, just go two episodes back. Today, “Live Show Ghost Buyer” writes in to give us a follow-up on the haunted Ken doll he bought.
Travis: The haunted Ken doll possessed by the seller’s lonely gay uncle.
Griffin: Their guncle, if you will.
Travis: No, that sounds gross.
Justin: “Live Show Ghost Buyer” writes, “after I received the doll, I put it—and presumably Uncle Joey—in my laptop bag and took it along with me to confess to my long-time crush. I knew I had to, because he knows I went to your live show and he listens-”
Justin: “-to your show too.”
Griffin: Whoops indeed!
Justin: “Long story short, I confessed my feelings, and everything went well! We even had a good laugh when the live show episode aired, even if it was really embarrassing when he recognized my sister’s voice shouting.”
Griffin and Travis: Awww!
Justin: That is cute. “Since my long-time friend and brand new boyfriend-”
Justin: “-is interested in the occult, we took out his Ouiji board to see if Uncle Joey was still around or had moved on. There was no response, so we figure he’s moved on. HOWEVER, I do want to go on record stating that absolutely nothing weird happened with the doll when I was stalling pre-confession, so maybe Joey was just that scared of the FBI, had moved on already, or was never there to begin with. Even so, I’m really glad this happened, and hey, it’s still a mint condition collectible. Thanks for everything, brothers.” You’re welcome, Live Show Ghost Buyer!
Griffin: You’re now obligated to name at least one of your kids after us.
Justin: After all three of us.
Griffin: In the same kid.
Justin: Ah, yes, Griff-trav-tin, the tofurkey of children.
Travis: What I’m wondering...
Justin: Yeah, Trav?
Travis: What I’m wondering is, what if it’s not that Uncle Joey was afraid of the Feds? What if Uncle Joey learned from the Feds?
Griffin: He learned to federally investigate booty?
Travis: No, no, no. What if the FBI agents were in love all along.
Griffin: With each other? Or the angel?
Travis: Is Cupid in the FBI, is what I’m saying?
Griffin: Is Cupid. In the FBI.
Travis: Is he.
Justin: Cupid is clearly in the CSI, everyone knows that.
Griffin: Again, you two, congrats. Okay, next question!