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The ravenous rugarus are dead but Dean can still feel their rotten teeth in his flesh. They'd broken the bones in his wrists easily. Like a twig. A flamethrower could only do so much to an entire pack of monsters with enhanced strength and speed.

So, instead of coming out on top, Dean and Sam are bleeding out in the dirt. "Ready, Sammy?"

"Yeah." Sam sounds as weak as Dean feels.

"No." Cas pulls himself onto his hands and knees and crawls between them. "None of that.”

"Cas, I told you to leave," Dean grits out. He'd been starting to fade and follow Sam into the dark but Cas's hand on him brings Dean back.

“I don't care.” Cas doesn't remove his hand until Dean's bones mend and the bites fade away. All that's left is shallow cuts and bruises. He's going to live.

"You stubborn idiot," Dean says, swallowing back tears. He can't cry. Not yet. Not now. He sits up and turns to look at Sam only to find his eyes are closed. "Oh God... Cas. Look at Sam.”

“Sam!” Cas shakes him, panic entering his voice.

Dean scoots closer, a lump in his throat. He taps Sam's cheek once, twice, three times. “Sammy, I swear to God, you better wake your ass up.”

“S'goin’ on?” Sam glances at Dean before focusing on Cas.

Cas sighs in relief.

“You scared us,” Dean rasps, slapping Sam's shoulder. “Don't do that again, man.”

“Sorry.” Sam chuckles, squeezing Dean's arm before sitting up.

That's when Dean realizes Cas's energy is in the toilet. He looks like he could sink into the earth and sleep for a thousand years. “Cas? What's up, man?”

Cas rolls onto his back, revealing wounds of his own. He'd been bitten, stabbed, and probably punched.

"Sammy, get the first aid kit. We gotta take care of this."

“Treating my wounds is unnecessary. They'll heal, I just need to recover from my weakened state and I can do it myself -”

“I don't give a flying fuck,” Dean says tightly. On edge. He doesn't mean to sound like such an asshole but he's scared. Dean doesn't do well with fear. Not when it involves someone he loves.

Sam nods. He's far from satisfied, Dean's sure, but his concern for Cas pushes Sam to stand up and do what he's told. “Okay. You might wanna talk nicer to Cas, though. He didn't do anything wrong.”

And with that, Dean's pain in the ass little brother walks towards the impala.

Dean huffs. He's itching to touch Cas. But he's so damn angry and freaked out it makes it hard to know what voice to listen to. "How come you never do what you're told, huh? You wouldn't be hurt like this if you'd left when I said."

“And then both you and Sam would be dead. I’m glad that I ‘never’ do as I'm told."

Dean groans and rubs a hand over his face. It was going to be a long ride home.

 


 

 

Dean gazes at Cas through his rearview mirror. “You're so fucked up right now."

"He saved our lives, Dean," Sam points out for the tenth time, running a hand through Cas's hair. There's a fond smile on his lips that's impossible for Dean to miss even though he's the one driving. "The least you could do is say thank you."

"Fuck that.”

"Always happy to bleed for the Winchesters,” Cas murmurs, offering Sam a smile in return.

"What if we had lost you, huh? What then?" Dean demands. Possessiveness surges in his chest. Sam and Cas smiling at eachother like Dean doesn't exist? Yeah, he could do without it.

"I'm fine." Cas shifts closer to Sam.

"Yeah, this time. But if you're always this reckless there might not be a next time. That's my goddamned point.”

Don't think about how close they are. It doesn't mean anything, they're just friends.

“And I should have let one of you die? I refuse to allow that to happen."

Sam groans, running a hand over his face. "Guys... Can't we focus on the positives here? Cas is okay! We're okay!"

"Whatever.” It's a childish reaction, Dean knows this, but between his best friend and his brother getting way too cozy and them not listening to his concerns… he doesn't want to behave properly. He wants to sulk and complain. Screw anyone that says he can't.

 


 

 

Cas makes it inside the bunker with the help of Sam. Dean had stalked ahead of them, saying he'd be drinking if anyone needed him. Apparently, Dean didn't see that Cas needs him now .

The bed Cas rarely uses is calling his name. "WIll you help me to my room?"

“Of course.” Sam walks Cas in the direction of his room without complaint and Cas limps along with him. Sam does it with a smile . Granted, there is concern and worry beneath that smile, but Cas appreciates that Sam is willing to keep most of those thoughts to himself. When Cas is feeling better, he'll be sure to check in on Sam. It's what friends are for, right?

"Need help undressing or anything? Might be more comfortable with less clothes on,” Sam says when Cas's bed is in sight.

Cas just wants to collapse but he can see Sam's logic. "Yes... That would be good,” he says, shrugging his bloodied trench coat off.

Sam sucks in a breath, touching Cas's shirt underneath. "Anything else?"

Cas fumbles with the buttons of his white shirt and Sam joins him in unbuttoning and pushing off his shirt. The blood splattered shirt joins the rest of Cas's clothes on the floor. “Pants too,” Cas rasps. He wants to be bare under the sheets as his body heals. Clothes have lost all appeal. Too constrictive and uncomfortable for his liking.

“Okay." Sam takes a deep, cleansing breath before gently unbuttoning Cas's pants and tugging his zipper down, hands shaking as he does so.

Cas leans on Sam heavily as he steps out of his pants and underwear. By now he’s swaying.

"Let's get you into bed,” Sam squeaks, keeping his eyes firmly on Cas's face.

Cas waits until the covers are pulled back before collapsing into the bed. "Thank you, Sam. You should go make sure Dean's okay."

“All right. See you later, Cas.”

 


 

 

Hours later, Cas's door swings open. “Cas.”

Cas squints at the intruder. It's Dean. Why is Dean here?

"Don't leave me, Cas," Dean says hoarsely as he kicks off his shoes. How he manages to remain standing while doing so Cas has no idea. Dean's eyes are red-rimmed, dried tears on his cheeks.

"I'm not going anywhere, Dean,” he says quietly. Rest hasn't helped much. If anything, he almost feels weaker than before.

Dean shakes his head, ridding himself of all his clothes so he’s naked before crawling into bed with Cas. "You need to stop makin' such risky decisions.” His mouth finds Cas's neck with no trouble at all. "I'm so worried about you. I... I..." Dean nips at Cas's throat.

"What are you doing?" Cas tries his best to push on Dean's chest and put some much needed space between them but Dean doesn't budge.

"What's it look like?" Dean's hand wanders under the covers. He makes a happy noise when he encounters bare flesh. "Oh! You're naked. I can work with this."

"Dean,” Cas says firmly. "I need rest." He has an idea where this is going and he doesn't have the energy for it. Besides, Dean’s drunk. He has feelings for Dean but he wants his first time to be something special. Being too weak to participate and Dean so drunk he's barely coherent hardly counts as special in Cas's book.

Dean ignores Cas and yanks back the covers, exposing Cas to the air and Dean's roaming eyes. "God, I wanna taste you," Dean breathes, shifting so he’s between Cas's legs and does just that, licking and sucking the tip of Cas's cock.  

Cas's hips buck up weakly. "Dean..." He rasps. "Dean, I want this but not right now. We need to wait until I am well."

"Shhh, sweetheart, lemme take care of you." Dean pulls off but only so he can scoot lower and suck on Cas's hole.

Cas gasps, his legs jerking at the sensation. Sweetheart. The pet name makes his chest swell. But his mind hasn't been changed. "Dean, no ,” he says, gripping Dean's hair.

"I need this, Cas. We need this.”

Dean licks his hand and slicks up his cock with spit before he crawls up Cas's body. He kisses Cas all along his neck jawline and presses forward. It's done. That's it. He's inside Cas.

Cas's hands press on Dean's chest, eyes squeezing shut. "No, no, no..." The man Cas had pulled out of Hell and pieced back together, the man he loved and wanted so desperately is here, pressing into his virgin hole. It burns. It hurts and he clenches to stop it from happening. It doesn't work. Tears prick his eyes. Cas is being raped by his best friend and he’s powerless to stop it.

Dean moans when he’s fully seated inside Cas and kisses him square on the lips. His hands travel along Cas's hips. His thighs. He doesn't start pounding away, instead staying still as Cas's body adjusts to Dean's length.

"I love you, Dean, but we need to stop this. We can do this when you're sober. Please .” Cas shoves on Dean, hoping he'd get a clue. Hoping he'd hear Cas.

"Shhh. You don't mean that," Dean breathes, attacking Cas's mouth with kisses as he grinds against his ass.

Cas kisses back for just a moment. He can't help it. "I do mean it, Dean.”

"I gotta show you how much you mean to me,” Dean replies, gently thrusting inside of Cas.

It feels good.

“Enough.” Cas squirms, trying to get away.

“Enjoy this,” Dean demands. Each time he slides in Cas's insides light up.

"I would enjoy this more if you would listen to me.”

"I know what to do," Dean slurs, pulling out of Cas. He doesn't roll away, though. He wiggles down Cas's body and swallows his cock without warning, taking him down to the root.

Cas had been mostly soft but with Dean's lips on him he has no choice but to fill out in Dean's mouth. Dean sucks greedily and bobs his head on Cas's thickening cock. Cas covers his face, toes curling. There’s no denying that Dean is really talented with his mouth and tongue. That being said, Cas doesn't want to finish. “Dean… you can still change your mind. You can do the right thing.”

Dean answers with a whimper, bobbing his head even faster. Cas bites his lip, back arching as he comes down Dean's throat. Tears fall from the corner of his eyes into his hairline.

Dean spits come into his hand and uses it to slick up his cock again. Seconds later, he’s sliding back into Cas. It goes much smoother this time with the extra lube to ease the way.

It doesn't take long for Dean's thrusts to slow.  Soon, he’s fast asleep while buried inside Cas. The alcohol has finally claimed him.

It takes some time, but eventually Cas frees himself from Dean's weight. He dresses as fast as he's able and gets himself outside the room and sits on the floor, leaning heavily against the wall.

I need a safe place. Where do I go?

The thought pains him.

Before this, Dean was a safe place. He bites the inside of his cheek to keep the tears at bay and hauls himself to his feet.

Find Sam.

Thankfully, he isn't far. Sam's in his room, door open. Cas steps inside. "S-Sam,” he says and falls to his knees.

"Cas!" Sam slides off his bed and onto the floor in front of Cas.

Cas presses close to Sam's chest and shivers. How can he tell Sam what happened? How can he speak of such unbelievable betrayal? Who was to say Sam would even believe Cas. And even if he did… Dean's his beloved brother. The world could be burning and Sam and Dean would choose each other. And Cas is supposed to change that?  

No. He can't risk it. At least for now, he'd keep the rape to himself.

“What do you need, Cas?" Sam envelopes Cas in a strong embrace. "How can I help you?"

"Bed,” Cas says, clutching Sam's shirt.

“I thought… I thought you were in bed. Do you want me in here or should I leave you alone?"

"Stay." The word is out before he can weigh the pros and cons. But he won't take it back.

"Okay," Sam says softly. He worries his lip between his teeth. "Can you stand?”

"I think I need your help.”

Sam quickly stands, reaching a hand out to Cas. "Grab on. I'll pull you up."

"Can I borrow a t-shirt?”

"Yes, of course," Sam rasps. He turns and rifles through his dresser, grabbing a white undershirt. "This okay? Or would you prefer a band tee?"

“This is fine." Cas discards the bloody dress shirt and pulls on the t-shirt. He takes off his pants but leaves his boxers on. "Will you lay with me?"

I can't be alone.

"Of course. Get on the bed first then show me where you want me, okay?"

Cas slumps on the bed and after a moment summons his last bit of energy to move furthest from the door to make room for Sam.

Sam gently sits on the bed, keeping space between them. After a few heartbeats, Sam lays down, intelligent, watchful eyes on Cas all the while.

Cas feels safe. Mostly. A small part is terrified Sam won't let Cas's behavior go, that he'll figure the situation out long before Cas is ready.

But there isn't much that can be done about that. Not right now.

 


 

 

In the morning, Dean wakes up to an empty bed and pounding headache. "Cas?" he calls even though deep in his heart he knows Cas isn't in the room. Might not even be in the bunker.

There's no way he can call it anything else. No way he can really justify his actions. Dean raped Cas. The love of his life. It isn't something he'd likely go to prison for... But there’s a very good chance he'll never see Cas again. And that? Fuck . Dean's not sure he can live with that .

“Cas..." Tears pour from Dean's eyes. They drip down his face. Nasty snot comes soon after, and with that his headache intensifies. "Cas, I don't know if you can hear me, but I'm so sorry. Okay? I'm not asking you to forgive me. I just needed you to know... I realize I fucked up.”

Dean's not sure how long it takes but eventually he hears Cas. Sees him. Cas is in the doorway in Sam's too-big sweats and t-shirt. “Hello, Dean.”

"I can't believe you're still here. Why?"

Cas makes no move to enter the room. "Because, despite what happened, I still love you... and I want to know what you have to say for yourself."

"Anything I say will sound like an excuse. And you don't deserve that." Dean wants to hide his face. Looking at Cas… it's too much.

Cas nods and looks away. "Then why did you call for me?"

“Because I love you," Dean says, voice cracking with emotion. "I love you and I hurt you and I don't know if I'll ever be able to fix it.”  

"I kept… I wanted so badly to experience that with you. But not like that. I wanted you sober , Dean.”

Dean nods, wet-eyed. "I know. I'm so sorry." He takes a shaky breath. "Are you moving out?”

"No... But I'm going to need a new room. And I need some time away from you.”

"Whatever you need, whatever room you want," Dean's quick to say. "Um... Are you, uh. Are you gonna tell Sam? About what happened?"

Cas hesitates. It doesn't look like he wants to answer the question.

Fuck, he told him, what am I gonna -

Cas sighs through his nose. "If he asks me, I won't lie... But I won't tell him on my own.”

For now.

If raping Cas doesn't send Dean to hell, hoping Sam won't find out certainly will. He's not sure he's strong enough to withstand losing his best friend and his brother.

"I understand," he finally replies, even though he doesn't. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No... I know that you were drunk. I know that you were not in your right mind. I want to be very clear. I love you. I likely always will. That being said-" Cas takes a deep breath. He looks so fucking sad. "Nothing beyond friendship will happen between us now."

"Oh." Dean's face falls. "I guess I shoulda prepared myself better for that possibility.”

Sure, he thought he was doomed to live the rest of his natural life without gazing at Cas ever again. It had been an awful, haunting thought. But having to see him? Being reminded of what he'd done day after day? It might just be worse.

Cas turns away but not before Dean notices the tears in Cas's eyes. Just like that, the relationship he had longed for with Cas is over before it even started.