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Guilt-part II

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When I first heard Elias's mom telling me that I killed her son... telling me that he is dead... I suddenly felt broken inside. Like all of my darkest thoughts and expectations hit me. I couldn't believe that all of that was actually happening. I couldn't even understand how I managed to drag myself and Elias in such a mess. I couldn't even register what exactly happened, not after she said that simple but horrifying, accusing sentence. Next thing I remember is the nurse standing by my side and telling me something. I couldn't understand it at first, but the idea hit me: maybe she is telling me about Elias too. So I ran away before I could hear her, understand her. All that was too much for me.

When I walked toward the car, I tried to act calm. I couldn't let my father to see me in such condition. I couldn't confess that I am a murderer. I simply said that I can't visit Elias right now because he is still recovering, that I will be able to visit him tomorrow, and that the hospital staff wasn't allowed to tell me anything else about his condition. We were silent after that, and we remained silent all the way during a ride home.

Every second, the thought about me killing Elias, my only friend, was popping in my mind again. And every time, it felt more real and hurt even more.

Elias is dead. Because of me.

We won't talk together anymore, play together anymore, we won't see each other anymore.

His parents lost their beloved son. All because of me.

They hate me, and I hate myself too.

I can't imagine it. Did he look younger too? Like my mom...

I will probably end up in prison. That will ruin my grandmother, and my father. After he already lost his wife... my mom... why did I treat him so badly? He didn't deserve that, I see that now. I am hundreds times worse than him. My mother probably hates me right now too. I keep disappointing her even now, when she is no longer alive. It will ruin me too. I will never be the same, first without mom, and now without Elias. He was the only bright person, thing, spot in my life, and I killed him. He never got to say goodbye to his parents, brother, me. He never got a chance to grow up, have family, accomplish all those things he dreamed about-no matter what those things were.

I can't look in my father's eyes tomorrow and tell him that he doesn't need to take me to a hospital. That I lied to him. That I can't see Elias. That Elias is dead. That I killed him. I am trying to imagine that, but I just can't. It's too horrifying.

I am a coward. Spineless coward, selfish, spoiled little brat, killler, psychopath, I am worthless. It should have been me, not Elias. He didn't deserve that. Nobody does, except for me.

Silo. Roof. That's where evetything started and that's where everything is going to end.

It's four am and I am lying in my bed, awake. My father and grandmother are sound asleep by now, back door unlocked.

The silo is just a few miles away. And I'm a fast runner.