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The Yeetening

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My dearest partner

This note I leave to you now

The Yeetening’s come

 

Gaara was...unamused, to say the least, when he found the note pinned to the fridge. “Every year, Ino,” he said, running a hand over his face. He just wanted the coffee. Just the coffee. That was all that mattered this early in the goddamn morning. “I swear, if you fucked with it…”

Maybe it would be a year of simply getting things thrown at him.

“I thought it was my job to write you poetry,” he yelled up the stairs upon finding the caffeine thankfully un-fucked with. “This doesn’t even rhyme!”

“Just wait,” she yelled back. “It’s coming.”

She had to give it up at some point.

Goddamn Vine.

He went through his morning routine-- routine being a severe word for downing several too many cups of coffee and brushing his teeth before walking out the door-- with only a few stray ‘yeets’ from his partner. He grabbed his lunch from the counter, not bothering to see what sort of note she’d packed today--it was guaranteed shenanigans, and it was too early--and checked the trees at the end of the driveway for any sort of falling objects to deal with.

None.

Suspicious.

The yearly tradition had been started a while back, when on a camping trip with his family Kankurou had insisted they watch that stupid video. He’d given her an ultimatum after that week of yeeting--once a year. Once a year, she could go nuts with it.

That was his first mistake.

His second had been allowing Kankurou in on the secret. Thank god he’d given up working at the greenhouse with Gaara because the poor man did not know if his heart could take the consistent tossing of pots and screaming at every stray bug. Kankurou was more suited for an indoor job, one far away from Gaara’s place of peace.

God help the person who disturbed that.

“Yes,” he mused, running a finger over the newly unfurled leaves of a fern. “What do you think? Is this year the year? Finally, some peace?”

He swore he saw it wilt a bit.

“You’re right, best to just let it happen.” He sighed and set it to the side, searching for his gloves to transfer another flat filled with spines. Cacti weren’t exactly known for being kind to fingers. Perhaps that’s why they got along so well. “Yee--”

No.

No way he started in on it too. He had not been about to say yeeting spines.

Had NOT.

“Don’t look so excited,” Temari said, hip checking him as she walked past. “You look like you got yeeted out a window and bled out on the sidewalk. So pale. Get some sun.”

“Dear god, she’s got you in on it too?”

“Oh, please, Kankurou tells me everything. Expect some fun when you get home.” She grinned and he contemplated pulling a ponytail when she turned to walk away. It’d be well deserved, in any case. “If only you’d yeeted his phone into the lake like you wanted…”

“I’ll...pitch...this cactus…damn it.” Gaara narrowed his eyes as she swept out the door. He wouldn’t dare, and they both knew it.

Lunch came and went, along with a vaguely ominous limerick on the napkin.

 

Gaara refuses to be yeeted

He doesn’t want to be defeated

But he doesn’t know

What goes on below

To a lovely yeet he’ll be treated.

 

“TEMARI!” No answer, and he looked carefully around every corner before muttering “Damn right I should’ve yeeted it.”

The rest of the day was spent cultivating carefully. He fell into an easy rhythm of letting Temari take care of customers as he went about his duties, the familiar feeling of soil sliding through his fingers enough to somewhat take his mind off of the impending doom. It wasn’t until he hung up his apron and walked to the car that...yes, had another note.

 

Yeet, yeeting, yeeted,

O’er the waves to the deep end

Come find the Yeet Queen

 

“Jesus christ,” he growled, but drove home in relative peace. Nothing was waiting in the driveway. Nothing was waiting in the entry-way. Nothing was even waiting in the kitchen except Ino, twirling her keys with a wicked gleam in her eyes. “Oh, no,” he said. “I know that look. Here.” He drew a small cactus out of his bag, wincing as he was poked. “Think of this poor, innocent little succulent. How would it feel being--” he swallowed hard as she advanced-- “yeeeeeeeted--” tucking it close, he hunched over the poor thing-- “out of my hands. Look, it’s cute.”

“One day a year, Gaara,” she said, drawing out the words as she draped herself over his back. “You even agreed.”

“That was a mistake,” he said dryly.

“But you did it.” Ino pulled off his bag and took the plant, setting them carefully on the counter. “Take your pants and shirt off. Any electronics or things you don’t want getting wet, really.”

Oh, dear god.

“Chop chop, or the plant gets it,” Ino said, tapping the small pot toward the edge of the counter like a cat. “Yeet or be yeeten.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” he sighed, but did as she asked. When he was bared, she sidled toward him and slid her hands up his chest and over his shoulders to bring him close for a kiss. “Sucking up isn’t going to make me hate it less.”

“Yeah, but I’m sure sucking your dick later will make up for it.”

“You’re the worst,” he mumbled against her lips. “The absolute worst, you know that?”
“You always say that,” she said, leading him toward the porch door, “but you never stop me. Doubt you ever will.”

“What is that little succulent going to do without its father?” Gaara asked, tone sliding from imploring to intimidated as Kankurou stepped out from behind the porch. Temari came close behind, and Gaara gave in to all the hands laid on him when his eyes fell upon the pool they’d set up. “Temari, you were telling me I need more sun. Water’s like mirrors, I don’t need that much sun, co- shit,” he cursed as they all lifted him. “Do me a favor and make sure I drown.”

“We’ll revive you just in time,” Ino said with a kiss to his temple. “I wouldn’t let you die.”

“Not even if I’m asking nicely?”
“Absolutely not,” Temari said, nearly letting him slip when her foot slid on the wet grass.

“I’m disowning you all,” he said. He let every limb deaden, doing his absolute best to make it as hard as possible to lift him. “Think of the cacti!”

“You’re prickly enough as it is,” Kankurou snickered as he shifted Gaara onto his shoulder.

“Too bad you’ve been getting enough sleep,” Temari said, attempting to point to his eyes. “Could still call you panda, but you’re not fluffy enough.”

“Trash panda?” Ino asked, and suddenly all eyes were on him as he was lifted to the sun.

“Trash panda,” everyone agreed, and Gaara didn’t have time to protest before being--as they’d promised--yeeted into the pool with a mighty yell of “Yeet the trash panda!” from the party. Every year it was different and really, he supposed being tossed in the pool was the least bad of what they could’ve done. Even so, he mustered the saltiest glare he could as he shook like a dog. Maybe some would get on them as payback.

“The worst,” he growled at Ino again, much to her amusement. “I hope you had the foresight to bring towels?”

He barely got the chance to finish before several were thrown on him, varying cries of that damned word coming along with as they blotted out the sun. “Gotta go,” he heard Kankurou say, then the clap of a high five before Temari agreed.

“More shit to pull,” she said, smile evident in her voice. “Later, Gaara.”

“If I don’t decide you’re dead to me.”

“We love you too!” Kankurou shouted just before the door slammed.

Gaara stood there, ends of the towels dragging in the water before Ino pulled them out of his eyes. “It has been done,” she said solemnly. The corners of her lips twitched as they stared at each other, the effort of trying to keep the smile from her face too much as she burst out laughing and buried her head in his shoulder. “The yeetening.”

“You really need to work on your poetry skills,” he mumbled, her hair tickling his nose. “Please tell me you didn’t write those yourself.”

“Kankurou helped.” She flipped the towel off to fall around his shoulders and tossed her arms around him. “The day is not over for about...six hours yet,” she said. “What else can we get up to?”

“I remember you mentioning something about blowing me,” Gaara said.

“Something, yeah…”

“I think busying yourself and forgetting what other pla-ans you might have had--” Gaara groaned as she grabbed him before guiding him out of the water. “Not in public, Ino.”

“Please, we’re in the yard,” she said with a wave of her hand. “But if it means that much to you, I suppose we can go inside.”

“Shower,” he insisted as the wind began to blow. “You might be a different breed in Konoha but here in Suna, we do not swim in the beginning of May. Warm me up. Please,” he added at her half glare. “I am delicate like my poor child you abandoned on the counter.”

“That little thing?” She laughed at his nod before turning and dragging him along to the bathroom to strip along with him, setting the shower to blazing, just as he liked. “You could at least get me a dog,” she simpered. “Puppy or something, not a teeny cactus.”

“You misunderstand,” he said, a little strained as she began to make her way down his body. “I said my child. Not yours. You don’t deserve a cactus after throwing me in the pool.”

“Don’t I?” she asked. She pulled his hips just out of the water to look up at him with wide eyes as she kissed along him. “Is that your way of saying I deserve more?”

Whatever answer he had died on his tongue when she swallowed him and dragged a hand to the back of her head. “The world, Ino. that’s what you deserve.”